Exiled from Me

Without a healthy inner life, one is exiled to trying to find fulfillment on the outside. This is co-dependence, and it is a symptom of a wounded inner child. ~ John Bradshaw. Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child

What should I do? I asked him.
What do you want to do? he answered.
You've spent your life pleasing others
and it's time to take care of yourself.And the answer, of course, is I don't know.I've spent those years exiled from myself,
doing what you/he/she/it/they wanted me to.
I won't change people I hire to serve me
because it might offend them. Even when I know
I'd rather try someone else. I join and I'm a lifer
because what would you think if I left?
Honesty, openness, awareness of who I am,
what my patterns are, step work on how it came to be
that I need to stop being exiled
from me.

Understand

Thus, to know humanity,
understand earth.
To know earth,
understand heaven.
To know heaven,
understand the Way.
To know the Way,
understand the great within yourself.
Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life:
Living the Wisdom of the Tao

God is in me not like a blueberry in a muffin
but like the ocean in a wave.
I am in God not like a blueberry in a muffin
but like the ocean in a wave.
Being in God and God in me,
I am in harmony with all that is.
I am a part of history, of humanity,
of eternity and infinity.
But I am not a puppet.
I have free will. I can remain
in comfort and harmony
for that is my natural state.
But I can rebel, dissent, defy,
kick against the symmetry
and wallow in misery, in pain,
in anger, in defiance, in seeking.
Or I can be still and know where God is
and reside within him in joy.

paper4pc.com

Prisoner in the Sheets

The waiting comes hardest

in single-digit night hours,

as absurd thoughts nag

and grandiose plans leapfrog logic.

When the offering of your presence,

as anchor in islands of consciousness

tie you there rather than giving up
and starting tomorrow too early,

the body may rest as the mind

seeks to bring the sun's chariot

to the horizon.

I Thank You

Practice silently repeating I thank You throughout your waking hours, and as you fall asleep and awaken. It really doesn’t matter whether you’re thanking God, Spirit, Allah, the Tao, Krishna, Buddha, the Source, or self, because all those names represent the great wisdom traditions. ~ Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

I thank you, God of my understanding, for the morning,
for a sound sleep, for that interlude between night and day.
For health, for toothpaste taste and fresh, clean teeth.
I thank you, God, for wet grass, a hose that works, birds and flowers and sun,
for the comfort of knowing breakfast, no decisions, routine, accustomed,
for the morning paper, plans for the day, a quiet time with you.
I thank you, God, for morning commute, familiar sights and sounds,
for folks at work who welcome me, a worthy job, people to serve,
for respect and camaraderie, simple tales, the lives of friends.
I thank you God, for people I love, those I would help, whenever, however.
For people who love me in that way, who support me, encourage me,
make me a better person. For your making me, crafting me, teaching me,
enabling me to find the best path for me, for showing me the next right step,
for using me for good.

Too Taboo

9.  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. - Step 9

My grammy raised me and her rules were dumb.
Once I got someone else to sign as parent
and got an abortion. She found out and asked
and I lied up a storm, finally convinced her I didn't.
To tell her I did and I lied would injure her, you know...
she'd be disgusted with me, hate me, never trust her.
That's what it means about injuring in making amends, yes?
No.
When I was eight I stole a sack of candy from 7-Eleven.
Since I work there now, and I could get fired for theft,
maybe even twelve years ago, I can make anonymous amends, yes?
No.
I can't stand Bud. He drives me crazy, hangs around me,
talks to me, calls me his "bestie!" Please!He does such stupid things! My major entertainment
is talking about him behind his back, but he's too dumb
to even know. That one, I know, I should make amends,
tell him I've always thought him a buffoon, talked about him,
belittled him when he's not there. That's got to be okay,
to tell him what I've always done when he thought we were buds, yes?
No! You make amends to him by talking in praise of him,
by being the friend he thought you were. But you don't tell him.
Now that' s taboo.

Negativity

Illness or pain is just an extension of negative emotion. When you are no longer feeling any resistance to it, it's a non-issue. ~ Abraham

It's logical. Angry, embarrassed,
bitter, jealous, engaged...
what happens? You smash things,
yell, use your go-to comforts,
make those around you miserable.
It doesn't cause the cause of the anger
to diminish. Instead, it grows,
multiplies, makes more misery,
causes negativity in other people,
but more in you. What else does it do?
Raise blood pressure, anxiety,
headaches, depression, heart attack,
strokes...anger hurts you physically.
The cause and effect make sense,
tell us what we know.
But the inverse? Can that be true?
Lack of negativity heals, cures,
causes pain to end? Yeah, sure.
Sure? What if? If you give it a chance,
allow the negative traits to be removed,
seek a positive mind, soul, body...
if all that happens is you no longer have
the known results you don't want
that's a good. And if the impossible comes,
if illness and pain go away,
would you turn that down?

Copyright: ipopba / 123RF Stock Photo

One Day at a Time

A year's calendar isn't long enough,
so they make them for eighteen months.
Experts expect a five-year plan, short term,
but a twenty-year outlook for the vista.
I'll buy their calendars, list goals far-fetched,
but the only way to get there is forgetting
the plans, not considering even next week.
I recover, I live, I have peace
one day at a time.

I Am Not a Crow

We have a lovely murder of crows around here.…[They will eat stale bread.]...as long as I keep reminding myself, “I’m not a crow, I’m not a dustbin." ~ Miranda O

What to do with food. Never an issue...before.
There were no leftovers worthy of us left.
Many of us were raised with reminders, starving children,
far away, don't waste the food.
But how did my eating three servings
fill any one of them? Not that I ate it all.
Oh no, anyone I fed had excess weight...
like the dog claimed from the Pound,
"Oh, is that fat dog yours?"
Of course it was. Anyone I fed ate to excesses.
But it's different now. There's a food plan.
And like the literature says, I have learned
to love myself enough to want recovery
and be willing to do the footwork required
to get and retain abstinence. I am not a crow.
I am not a dustbin. I love myself enough
to want recovery.

Where's Your Rope?

He granted me a private session in which he wisely tugged on an imaginary rope that would eventually guide me out of the self-made quicksand. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 1610-1611).

Please, please, please, release me
from all the self-made quicksand!
I'll pull the rope myself. Just show me!
But sometimes I can't rescue myself,
occasionally I've sunk so deeply
there's no way out, not by myself.
It's imaginary, so why not? Because it's me.
Because I dug the pit, supplied the quicksand,
knew it was there, and plopped myself into it.
Who can see the rope? Someone who's been there,
someone who once dug their own pit,
who escaped, who has moved far enough away
to see clearly. A sponsor. A counselor.
Even someone writing literature, speaking,
sharing in a meeting. We can find the rope,
we have nine tools, and the rope can be any one:
meetings, sponsorship, service, literature,
a plan of eating, an action plan, the telephone,
writing, and even anonymity. Grab hold of tools.
Your quicksand is endangered when you do.

Sort of Recovered

I can tell you how to mend
relationships, find satisfaction —
even joy – in life, alone or together,
hale or unwell, in spite of others.
Find a meeting, get – and use – a sponsor,
work the Steps, recover. Yet,
I won't. So why? How could I deny
your happiness, your wholeness?
Because I know – or at least fear, believe —
you would hear only to go to a few meetings,
and you would, but to sit and listen,
share your wisdom along with disdain
for vulnerability expressed,
the weakness confessed.
You'd find repugnant the very idea,
the humiliation of showing up, of implying
by silent – or vocal – presence your flaws.
But having gone through the motions
you'd come to me, haughty in having followed
the guidance. Then you'd be repulsed
when I denied you'd changed, you'd complied
with the directive. You'd rage when I said
it's not recovery when you sort of submit.

 

Finding the Giver

It was only when I became aware of all the gifts I had received that I asked who the giver was. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 926-927).

An attitude of gratitude?
A waste of time. We know our gifts,
our luck, our good fortune.
Why should we list them,
even write them down?
Often the same things day by day
give us joy. We know what they are.
But what about that God of your understanding...
or the god you really don't understand.
If that Power is giving you good things,
even if it's a sunny day seven days in a row
or the person you get to ride to work beside
or your family or friends...
You're lucky enough to receive them
and to name them one by one,
day after day, may remind you who Power is
and how much he shows his love for you
in his benevolence.

Your Mission Should You Choose to Accept It

You are not a creator of things or a regurgitator of what someone else has created or a gatherer of stuff. You are a creator, and the subject of your creation is your joyful life experience. That is your mission. That is your quest. That is why you are here. ~ Abraham

One day at a time. Not yesterday.
Not tomorrow. You only have today.
What can you do today?
You can do what you did in the past...
blame everybody else, procrastinate,
spend the day resenting, planning revenge,
playing the victim, drowning in self-pity,
hiding in your addiction. You can live tomorrow...
dreaming of being recognized, renowned,
lionized, venerated...or exonerated.
You can dream of showing them, of vindication,
of glory.

One day at a time. Not yesterday.
Not tomorrow. You only have today.
You are a creator,
and the subject of your creation
is your joyful life experience.
That is your mission.
That is your quest.
That is why you are here.
Today.

KerPLOOP, KerPLOOP

Ponder the word "percolate."
Is your first thought the sound
as the percolator is plugged in
(or placed on a burner)
and coffee brews to the tune?
Or do you envision a liquid
finding its way molecule by droplet,
purified or enriched in the process?
It can mean ooze or seep, dribble
or disseminate. But all meanings
represent action, usually slow,
gradual, pervasive.

Have you watched Recovery percolate?
It can surge up, joyfully becoming new,
full of flavor, soothing. Sometimes
we go through the Steps time after time,|
and realize something happened in the process,
that we've absorbed the essence of the Steps
and have become something new,
carrying with us the bounty of the Steps.
Sometimes it spreads so slowly, so quietly,
we find person after person change,
renewed, recovered, remade as the essence,
the flavor, the meaning transforms us.

And We Ate

We ate to sate the fears, the anxieties, the angers, the disappointments. We ate to escape the pressures of our problems or the boredom of everyday life. We procrastinated, we hid, and we ate. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 102-104).

We ate to sate...
to satisfy with fullness.
to consume as much or more
than is desired or can be managed.
Like Thanksgiving, Christmas,
Valentine candy, Easter eggs...
we ate to sate. But not the hunger.
We stuffed full the fears,
anxieties, angers, disappointments.
We used the only drug we knew,
calories, carbs, sugar, chips.
We tried to fill anger with food.
It's childish, really.
But isn't that what it's all about?
A disease, an incurable disease,
one some of us contracted in childhood
and decades later stand hostage to it,
acting as if we can eat enough
to sate fears, anxieties,
angers and disappointment.
When I was a child, 
I spoke as a child, 
I understood as a child, 
I thought as a child; 
but when I became a man, 
I put away childish things.In Recovery, we call that surrender.

Curiosity

...a person at the threshold of curiosity is not yet open to personal change. Curiosity is still essentially passive, but it’s more than mere trust. ~Mark Shea

Came to believe then Made a decision.Is that the whole progression?
No, probably not, though everyone's path
differs from everyone's path.
What is necessary for coming to believe?We know from listening in the rooms
about those who act as if, who choose the group,
who think of the chair that holds them up.
We can accept that others have had results
and believe in third person for a while.
But it's passive when it starts, curiosity,
a willingness for it to be true but acting on it...
that's a further step.
But is that Step Three? Not really. Not always at least.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives
over to God as we understand Him.Deciding to and turning it over are not the same.
It's closer, though. It's longing to be able to trust
and trust implicitly, knowing we'll be caught,
that we're safe in His Hands.

Copyright : dmosreg 

It's Not

...that's what your moments are about. They're not about justifying your existence. It's justified. You exist. It's not about proving your worthiness. It's done. You're worthy. It's not about achieving success. You never get it done. ~ Abraham

Acceptance of who you are,
of what you are, of your right
to be you. Who would think
that could be an issue?
My guess is everybody, all of us...
or at least all who need Recovery.
Those of us who spent our lives
believing ourselves lower than a few.
better than the multitudes.
yet all alone, isolated, solitary.
But two truths can bring us peace.
What I think of anybody else
is none of my business.
What others think of me
is none of my business.
Only then can we grasp
our right to exist, our having worth,
the fact it's okay to be me.
And then we can begin to grow,
to become who we want to me,
who we long to be, and know the truth
that we can be free.

In the Present, the Eternal Presence

(See http://recoverydailydose.blogspot.com/2016/05/meditating-on-meditation.html)
4  The wicked are not so,
But they are like chaff which the wind drives away.
5  Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
6  For the LORD knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the wicked will perish. ~ Psalm 1 NASB

Not so. Not like a tree beside water,
helpful, thriving, serving, prospering.
Roots play no part, hold to nothing,
allow fickle winds to capriciously scatter,
separated from normal, from comfortable,
isolated. These are the wicked, the self-centered,
the detritus. The blessed, rooted and steady
stand for inspection, for fulfillment, for completion,
ready to be in the presence. The eternal present.
Ready, finally, to learn what true meditation is.
And ready for the way of the wicked to perish
and for them to find recovery, sanity, and life!

PAG 188 XXX

Meditating on Meditation

1   How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
Nor stand in the path of sinners,
Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
2  But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
3  He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does, he prospers.  ~ Psalm 1, New American Standard Bible

Want to be blessed?
Don't walk in the where wicked people advise,
(or does it mean among lawyers?)
don't stand where sinners walk,
or sit where scoffers sit.
Do walk where positive advise is given.
If you know bad folks will come along, leave.
Find where good people stroll.
If you're sitting among disparaging
nitpicking people, get up and leave.
If you want to be blessed know HP,
hang around until you're comfortable,
happy, delighted, at peace.
Think about HP's will for you,
the next right thing, his constant presence
not just at a set time for reading and meditating
but hang out with him, feel his company.
You can become a picture of strength,
amid all that fulfills all your needs,
flowing around you, being your home.
Those around you find their needs met
at your armchair, in your space,
your essence nourishing them.
Even when lean times come
you maintain seeds of hope,
signs of good things to come.
As you develop your custom of being,
of emanating positivity, of fully living,
you will find your needs met,
your life fulfilled, your being blessed
and passing the blessing on to your fellows.

Scoffer's Seat

The Root of Our Troubles

Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 1019-1020).

The root. The basic cause, source or origin.
The essential substance or nature.
Established deeply and firmly.
Selfishness, self-centeredness.
That is the root of our troubles.
But we feed these roots, encourage them,
nurture them, develop them, propagate them.
Our fears are the nutrients, our self-delusion
the fertilizers, self-seeking aerates the soil,
our self-pity waters them with tears.
The plant thrives. With prickly spines,
thorns, barbs, spikes! We nourish the plant
and it turns on us, betrays us, poisons our lives
and those around us. And our fellows
don't turn on the vicious plant but on us.
And the drama continues until —
selfishness and self-centeredness
no longer control our lives.

The Whole Truth

Step Three is about commitment. Most compulsive overeaters find it difficult to keep their word. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 1396).

I spoke with my sponsor Monday,
told her of a person talking to me
about lies, about deceit, about secrets.
Her first reaction, amazement, a question:
Are you sure you're the one to counsel on this?Of course I am! Lying is my speciality.
Lying I understand. I swear in people,
and I understand what it means,
that whole truth, nothing but the truth bit.
Not that I manage to live by it. Oh, I intend to.
But I fail, and I give excuses. I never bring up
my shortcomings, divert attention
when others do. And sometimes play fiction writer
when that's not what I'm doing.
But the temptation to lie is obvious.
When I don't want to admit I'm slipping,
I'm failing, I'm trying to fly on my arms
and eschew available wings. So today I resolve
to tell the truth, the whole truth,
nothing but the truth...and to recover.

Copyright: ginasanders / 123RF Stock Photo

Over My Head

I jumped in the water and it was over my head. But it wasn't over Daddy's head. ~ Justin

Daddy. That's what Abba means, Daddy.
The Daddy in the sky...and the dirt and the waves
and the butterflies and in me.
I'm scared. I don't want to jump in,
don't know what I'll do when I get there,
don't really know if it's over my head
until I get there. But it doesn't matter.
Daddy's there. And it's never over Daddy's head.

In Wellness Here (III of III)

Come on in, we're all in wellness here.
I can accept or decline.
I could. If I were willing.
God, make me willing...or at least
willing to be willing...It's childish to remain in rebellion,
to decline what I heartily desire
because nobody's going to tell me
what to do. It's letting the thought control,
moreso than actually being told to act.
It's like that "moreso" word
used more than twenty years now
though disapproved by spellcheck,
by the authorities. I could make it two words
and get rid of the pesky red dots yelling.
But it's not wrong, so I'll use it.
I'll use moreso when I don't really want red dots
and decline to accept a healing community
when I long for it desperately.
Okay, I'll tolerate the red dots,
knowing they go away when the post is published.
And I'll tolerate the command to come in,
accepting gratefully what I really want to do,
and I will enter completely the healing community
I've eyed from a distance for far too long.
I believe. Help my unbelief!

In Wellness Here (II)

Come on in, we're all in wellness here.
Wanting wellness. It's what I've pursued all my life.
Am I willing to make the offer,
but unwilling to have the offer accepted?
Why? Mother told me what clothes to wear,
packed them so I'd know when she wasn't there.
She chided me for what I ate, for clearing a formal table
and stacking plates! She still speaks in my head
Millennia ago Paul told wives to submit to husbands.
Isn't there a statute of limitations? Why does he control?
Don't tell me what to do! Don't tell me,
Come on in, we're all in wellness here.
You could say, should you care to join
you're welcome here — if you choose wellness.
I wonder if I could get him to change the line.
But no. I need to change. To stop turning down
opportunities that appeal to me because it seems
I must cede control. I'm not governed by the invitation,
and I can accept or decline.
I could. If I were willing.
God, make me willing...or at least
willing to be willing...

In Wellness Here (I)

Come on in, we're all in wellness here.
I knew it was a dream, a vision, something —
but not real. But it felt real as I stood outside,
at the door, looking in, but not being in, not in wellness.
The invitation was there, so why not?
I wanted to say I wanted inside.
I thought about saying it but knew he/it/thatwould know it wasn't true.
Why would I not want wellness?
What advantage could there possibly be
in not going in? Do I not really want wellness?
We're all in wellness here. But not me?
Even with an invitation? He/it/thattold me to come in. Like ordered me.
I don't like to be ordered. I don't like
my decisions being made for me.
I want to be in charge, to decide things,
to manage my life. But still...
I've been saying for years, a chant,
a ritual: God, I offer myself to Thee — 
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!Am I willing to make the offer,
but unwilling to have the offer accepted?

Mens Rea

The guilty mind.
Why did you do it?
If you did it intentionally
it's far different than accidentally,
a default of equipment,
a fluke event.
Intentionally is easy enough...
to understand, at least.
But knowingly?
You knew when so-and-so happened
and whatever happened,
then such-and-such would happen?
Carelessly? What standard of care?
How careful is careful enough?
But the guilty mind can ignore nuances,
and we judge ourselves guilty,
carry the weight for years
loading us down like Atlas's globe,
and when we finally do a Fifth Step
and discuss the nuances
we can begin to understand
the burden we carry should be simply
"not guilty."

Bless Your Heart

That we are able to bless one another at all is evidence that we have been blessed, whether we can remember when or not. That we are willing to bless one another is miracle enough to stagger the very stars. - Barbara Brown Taylor

The Urban Dictionary says "Bless your heart"
is a putdown. Fifteen hundred years ago
Pope Gregory prescribed "God bless you for sneezes,
symptoms of the Plague. But "bless"
packs a powerful punch with no other words.
Look at something small, insignificant,
common, an object you'd never normally notice.
Think of its contribution to life, its import,
benefits involved, and be grateful.
Then consider a stranger in the same light.
Sometimes people say, "I'm blessed"
when asked, "How are you?"
Make sure they are...because you do.
Talk to the God of your understanding
and figure out how to bless, what it means to you.
Be willing to bless one another...and stagger the stars!

Things I Knew

May 4, 2011. I knew on that day
writing a poem each day, publishing it,
and getting people to read it
would be the ideal way to sell books!
We had written three - Slender Steps
to Sanity by OAStepper,
A Time for Verse by Barbara B. Rollins
and A Cloud of Witnesses by both.
I know a thousand eight hundred
twenty-seven days have passed.
I know at RecoveryDailyDose.Blogspot.com
the list of posts published exceeds that
by five, that EagleWingsPress.com/daily
lists exactly the 1827. I know I've spent hours
the last few days figuring out why the lists
don't match. I know we really haven't sold
a lot of our books, maybe not one a week
for two hundred sixty weeks, surely not
one a day. I know my life has changed,
my recovery bloomed and grown
through writing a poem each night,
publishing it each morning.
I know the good I expected didn't happen
but that the good God expected...did.

The Rusted Useless Tool

Sometimes it feels like I'm trash, worn out, useless.
Like an old rake that lets leaves through,
refuses to move those that don't stick on the tines.
Like a broken screwdriver that comes apart
at the handle with the slightest pressure.a
aSometimes it feels like I'm trash, worn out, useless.ac
I can see being tossed away, hurled in the junk pile,
recycled for usable bits and pieces. It's what I deserve
when I forget the basics, mis-state facts I should know,
can't get out of my chair if I've been there for a time
without struggling, stumbling, getting functioning legs.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trash, worn out, useless.
But I don't belong to me. I decided years ago.
And I turned my will and my life over to the care of God
as I understood him, or even if I didn't. And he deserves
not something broken, giving up, laying down the load.
He deserves me useful, ready, needing to try,
willing to do what it takes to repair me. He deserves better.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trash, worn out, useless.
That happens when I give up, revert to all-about-me
and refuse to accept help so I can do my part.

Fooled Fool

I could tell myself I was educated,
respected, affluent, successful,
appreciated, living a meaningful life.
I could tell myself those things —
I could convince other people they were true,
but I couldn't persuade myself to believe.

I knew from the bottom of my heart
I was a fraud, a failure, a pathetic creature.
I knew I lied, pretended, faked my way through,
made a putrid predicament of a pitiful parade.
I was a buffoon, a dolt, an idiot, a clown,
dull and tedious, insipid and uninspired.

Until I was not. Until I found Recovery.
Until I turned toward home and began,
at last, to comprehend. Yes, I was a fool.
But one who didn't have to be. I was a fool
who eventually stumbled on the truth,
that the fooled fool could have it all,
be it all, realize it all, and live a life of joy,
of peace, of understanding, love, and serenity,
no fooling!

Excessive Personal Importance

... the path of the Tao needs to be cleared of any weeds of excessive personal importance. ~ Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao (p. 113).

I hate weeding the garden,
even the easy kind with chemicals.
It's always, "Maybe I'll get to it...
before the first hard freeze.''
It's like that in my life as well.
Those pesky weeds sprout up
and I could simply grab them
as I walk by, just do it, make a call,
pay a bill, answer a question.
But I don't...until the first hard freeze
and for these, they don't just die off,
they're harder with more thorns and stickers
by the time they've set that long.
And the reason was, I had more important tasks,
significant things to do. And if I could say
that I'd done those things, it wouldn't hurt
but I wasted the time studying the weeds,
deciding it was below me, too trivial.
It's time I concentrate on all those weeds
of excessive personal importance
and learn how to live...in the present moment.