She's Your Teacher

She cheated me. She lied to me.
She made me look like a fool
with my new partners.
I'm a lawyer and had no contract
and hate myself for the oversight
but I had tried so hard to please her,
to show her how talented we are.

She took over the meeting, ignored
the group conscience, disdained it,
insisted on her way, left the room
in a huff when she didn't get it.
Her vehemence was aimed at me,
her jealousy wanting to take over,
to be in charge though she never said
she'd take a service position.

She grates on my nerves like nobody can,
drives me crazy with her perfectionism,
her lies, her procrastination, her intentions
that fail to come to fruition. How can I deal
with someone like her? How, indeed,
since every single defect she has
I share.

It's obvious she's got problems, all kinds,
and maddening at that! She talks program
but does nothing of the sort, just causes problems,
refuses to act like a person in recovery,
like anyone who has hope, who tries,
who wants to become better. It seems
she has no function other than to be an irritant.
But it's not the truth. My wise program friend
listens as I rant, hears me out then says
she does have a usefulness. She's here
as my teacher.

cliparts.co

Faith and Courage

By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future. By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff. By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions about his bones. ~Hebrews 11:20-22 (NIV)

The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. ~Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 68

Sightless.
Sight unseen.
Doing what we’re told
when it feels insane,
insanity itself.
Trusting what we can’t see,
going against every single instinct,
every cogent thought.
Clinging to faith when
there’s nothing else
to hold on to.
Faith means courage.
Courage comes only
when I let go and know
I’m not in charge,
that I don’t have to
have courage.

God, the gift of faith
cannot be imagined when I don’t have it.
Living without it
can’t be imagined otherwise.

From A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us

Your Lying Eyes

You look at me
and see fifty pounds
excess contributing
to deterioration
of worn-out knees.
Another senior
sliding down the hill,
picking up speed.

 

You're right as to the pounds,
the knees, the age
but your conclusions
prevaricate, mislead,
deceive. You see
a while ago I discovered
the rooms of recovery,
and I belong here.
I'm not accelerating
toward futility
but soaring to recovery
and the weight's impetus
is downward, moving toward
a healthy sum and the knees
have eclipsed the doctor's guess.
You see seediness.
I know seeds of recovery
continue to germinate and thrive.

CC BY-SA 3.0

My Way

But I know better, understand the way the thing should go
and when you tell me "fourteen syllables" unstressed then stressed
you contradict the way I like to write and force a scheme
inherently constrained and lacking depth of thought, contrived
to douse a plan or meaning I might have, imposing yours.

But I know better, understand the way the thing should go
within the rooms with you. You tell me that I should each day
take time to meditate, to read the books, to write, to phone
my sponsor plus some more, to render service, go to group,
and all the rest. But don't you understand? I came to lose
some weight, to drop a size or two, and don't need you to say
what I must do. They're just suggestions, don't you know, these steps,
and then the god I choose is merely that, a god I choose,
and you can't tell me how to do this stuff, just what you did.
But even so, I need to know one thing. How did you reach
the peace of mind, serenity and joy I see in you?

Nine Tools

We could want our lives
to function like a well-oiled machine
working consistently, automatically,
but we're not guaranteed that,
just that if we surrender our will,
yield to a power greater than we,
and see to the next right thing
this day and only this day
one day at a time
we can have what we long to have.
We don't have a machine
yet we do have tools
and using them can give us rhythm,
regularity, predictability like machines.
We telephone, go to meetings,
do service, have a plan of action,
a food plan, a sponsor and sponsorees,
read literature, write, give service
and respect others enough to honor
anonymity, and the gears fall into place.

Home

At the first meeting
you told me, "Welcome home!"
You didn't ask what I weighed
must less lead me to scales.
You asked if I was a hugger
then you did, hugged me
even though I stank
and you couldn't reach around.
You don't look at me
like I'm a freak, a tragic figure,
like I don't belong.
Instead you tell my story,
call it yours, and reveal
what I have never ever said
but always felt.
You told me, "Welcome home!"
And then you made it true.

Supremely Satisfied

Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it's a day you've had everything to do and you've done it. ~ Margaret Thatcher

Do what you cannot to to learn how to do it.
Take on an impossible challenge and grin
when you get ninety percent done, when you see
that you can finish it...or do better than you imagined.
Throw down the gauntlet and invite yourself
to accept the dare. Don't look for comfort,
for self-indulgence, for pampering yourself
but make a difference, do the best, be your best.
No, you probably can't of your own accord
but when you ask your Higher Power for help
not to make yourself look good but to do great things
that others may benefit, to be relieved of difficulties
not for your ease, your pleasure, your achievements
but for removal of my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power,
Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.Ask to over come character defects
that stand in the way of your usefulness
to your God and your fellow pilgrims.
Do all you can do and find out how it feels
to be supremely satisfied. 

from clipart.com

Dreaming Dreams Or Making Them?

What is twisted cannot be straightened; what is lacking cannot be counted. ~ Ecclesiastes 1:15

Oh, but I could try, couldn’t I?
No. He’s right. Even straightened,
bends make weak spots.
And you can’t count what’s not there
though it’s never stopped me from trying.
When this book is finished, I can sell it.
With the money I’ll...
I’ll count it when it’s done and sold.
Now I’ve 207 verses to go.
Here and now is what I’ve got.
Yesterday’s saved as joys or regrets.
Tomorrow’s beyond my reach.
So right now, today, I might affect —
might make joys – for tomorrow.
Or regrets.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.”

Barbara B. Rollins A Time for Verse - Poetic Ponderings on Ecclesiastes (Kindle Locations 279-291).

Not Selfish

Like putting on a your life vest
before a child's. Like taking a plank
from your own eye before a splinter
in another's. Like getting a strong foothold
before reaching out to help someone,
a good grasp before offering to help
the person climbing behind you.
It's not selfish to take care of yourself.
Sure, it's counterintuitive for a codependent,

it's hard to do when you've been taught
to put others before yourself, but it's right,
it's true and it's smart. And it's the only way
to survive, or at least to have some worth
to contribute to the rest of humanity
and to your God. Do what you need to do
for you then do for others
as you would have someone do for you
and that requires being able, not just willing,
to help.

Home

At the first meeting
you told me, "Welcome home!"
You didn't ask what I weighed
must less lead me to scales.
You asked if I was a hugger
then you did, hugged me
even though I stank 
and you couldn't reach around.
You don't look at me
like I'm a freak, a tragic figure,
like I don't belong.
Instead you tell my story.
call it yours, and reveal
what I have never ever said
but always felt. 
You told me, "Welcome home!"
And then you made it true.

Relapse

I'll be leaving now
but you won't know it...
I don't even know myself.
But you can see the clues
if you know where to look.
I carried the key but missed
so many meetings
I was embarrassed
and passed it on.
I haven't called my sponsor
in months, ignored her
when she left messages.
I slipped a bit and got back
to pretty good food choices
but never great and pretense
evades me now, I'll start again.
Someday. I hate to share
because I can lie or cry
and hate them both.
I want to be here, I belong...
I want to stop eating compulsively.
But not enough, it seems.
So, I'll be leaving now.
It seems there's nothing more
to say.

Do What You Cannot

I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. ~ Pablo Picasso

"But I'm too weak, I'll never make it."
Don’t worry; we have all thought and said the same thing.We've heard these words so often in Overeaters Anonymous
it feels like home when we do, but like many dearly loved words
they loose their meaning when we actually try to live
day by day by day working the Steps, living a life of Recovery.
Certainly there's comfort in their being so familiar,
in the fact they found their way into the standard format
as representative not just how one lonely person sitting there
may feel but how everybody feels, if not right then,
some of the time. And to hear the old-timers share,
to learn there's still struggle, there are still things to learn...
can feel comfortable. But too often the comfort is in giving way,
in believing, "But I'm too weak, I'll never make it."
But the hope comes when we acknowledge the fear,
the inadequacy, the feeling of panic at the very idea,
in hearing further, The amazing secret to the success
of this program is just that: weakness.
It is weakness, not strength, that binds us to each other
and to a higher power and somehow gives us an ability
to do what we cannot do alone.Welcome to Recovery, welcome home, welcome to learning
how to do that which you cannot do.

www.oa.org/pdfs/suggested_meeting_format.pdf

About that Pain

My disease used to tempt me into thinking being abstinent “made me” feel the pain. Today, I understand that the more uncomfortable my feelings, the greater the freedom I’ll experience by walking through the situation abstinently. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 1387-1379).

Food fog. So stuffed you want to sit in the den
with football games parading one after another
and thanks given before the meal, antacids taken afterwards.
Stuffed like a turkey, sprawled all over a platter or couch
continuing to munch and groan and cram more inside.
Abstinence. Those first few days when suddenly it seems
the program works, the use of tools and reading,
of meetings and chats, or one-day-at-a-time sanity,
the food fog lifted so jagged words really feel like sticks, stones.
Recovery. Freedom to feel, to hurt, to long, to fear
but untied from the need to bring in the clouds, to eat
to oblivion, to mask the feelings and hide from hurts.
Food fog a memory, abstinence a practice, a habit,
a comfort, recovery a way of life.

What Ignoring You Means

You say I ignore you, but you're wrong.
The word means "refuse to take notice of
or acknowledge; disregard intentionally."
There's also, "set aside, pay no attention to,
take no account of." You seem to believe
when you say something and I answer,
do what seems logical to me, and am wrong
that I've ignored you. No, I've acted independently.
When I choose to go out, to attend a meeting,
have coffee with someone, go to the gym
my not being present to do what you need
is ignoring you. No, it's trusting you
to meet your own needs when I'm not there.
You act as if when you tell me you need something —
you haven't seen it for a year or so, but want it now —
and I can't find it, your needs don't matter to me.
But they do. I look, even when I don't remember it,
when I've never touched it, when I don't know
where to start, I care. I just didn't find it
and see no purpose in looking longer.
When I'm ready to leave the house and you ask
me to heat a snack, to check the mail, to walk the dog
before I go, if I show irritation I'm ignoring your wishes,
don't care about you. But I do, I just don't like the habit.
When I don't hear you I'm not listening
but when I speak, you hear, and you don't acknowledge it
I should know the difference between that
and your not hearing what I said. I don't always.
Though strikingly often I do know the difference.
When I do what's best for me, for my mental health,
for my spiritual growth I'm not ignoring you.
When I set aside my proclivity to function
as a codependent to you, I'm not ignoring you —
I'm fighting the pattern destructive to us both.
When I practice what I'm told that what you think of me
is none of my business, it's so very tough, but it's not
ignoring you. When I want to be the best person I can be,
when I want for you a meaningful and enjoyable life,
when I try to perceive and follow a higher power
above both you and me, believe me, I'm not ignoring you.
I'm just not ignoring me anymore.

Perfection Keeps You Sick

The perfection is what kept me sick! ~ Jhe T. James

How can being perfect be a character defect?
Because it's not possible. It's an illusion,
one you don't really believe but have to pretend
because if you don't then people will know!And all people besides me are either too stupid
to know anything and deserve no consideration
and wouldn't realize it even if I failed to perform
or are one of those other few people who are perfect
and they would know and I must keep up the illusion.
But it's all not true, and this poem is far from perfect
and it's past time for me to go to bed and I quit...
being perfect, that is. At least for the rest of today.

Too Late

I guess it's too late
to live on a farm,
although it's never appealed,
I'd never have chosen it.
Some things, though,
I wish I'd done.
And as I sit here at sixty-eight
I'm prone to say it's too late.
I sat with a friend recently
who had pondered parallel universes,
three of them, and jobs she might try.
I've imagined things I could do
but fear held me back.
And fear says 68 is old,
too old for new endeavors.
Am I to sit down and wait for 94?
My parents  were that old.
At my age they were entrepreneurs.
I need not be concerned about tomorrow,
how much older I'll feel, be, feel confined by.
I need not regret the yesterdays
I failed to fill with my dreams fulfilled.
I have today and today I can be
who I can be.

Doing Nothing Can Be Doing Right

Often we can help each other most by leaving each other alone; at other times we need the hand-grasp and the word of cheer. ~ Elbert Hubbard

Our best function is not
the gift of advice, becoming counselors
(maybe especially if we're trained
in the field but asked as recovery people)
but merely listening, asking questions,
helping highlight the problem.
We talk of our experience, what worked for us
but back away from the expert role.
Just live the life and model serenity
and others will find their own way
to recovery.

Not Promotion

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we  need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, television and other public media of communication.

Sure, it would be easy
to get on television...
or YouTube or even Facebook...
and tell people what OA has done,
how it's changed my life.
It's not that I wouldn't love to,
that it would scare me
(though it would, to tell the truth)
or that I doubt the viability of the idea.
It's that the people out there,
the ones I'd want to reach,
would see me, focus on me,
believe I had some inordinate willpower,
some ability they've tried to find
and could not. They'd look at me,
not at the program, not at the steps,
not at the fact it's not about me...
or them, or anyone else...
but it's about the twelve simple steps
and surrender and a life beyond
my wildest dreams...
the life I'm living now.

OAStepper found her voice in books and in these poems. But not a face, a name, a touch of fame.

What Are You Listening To?

Too loud. Can't stand the ruckus,
can't tolerate the criticism,
the disdain, the list of things to do,
the cacophony ringing all around.
Even those things just in my head,
supposedly controlled by me.
But those of others, expectations,
obligations, commitments,
the world's expectations. Insanity.
Too loud. So don't listen.
Not across the board, not to the unwelcome...
Listen to the silence, to the guidance,
to the still quiet sound. To your breath,
to your heart, to the birds. To the Power
you choose to hear. Listen to what you need.

Keeping Quiet

...I often keep quiet when confronted, instead of speaking my mind. This might be a legitimate response, except that I don't consciously make the choice. This is not responding, it's reacting, giving up my self-respect out of fear and out of habit. ~ The Courage to Change, page 172

I have a right.
I am entitled.
I don't have to accept abuse,
to set my needs on the floor
inviting all to stomp on them,
treading over them myself.
I have a right to my thoughts,
to my interests,
to my passions.
I may choose not to claim
my right, to respond,
to express an opinion,
to speak at all.
But I will respect my right
to do so and if I don't
I will do it of my own will,
respecting me as well
as others whose rights
I so easily defend and honor.

Alone

We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Location 1168)

Alone. Tolerable with something to do...
even if it's no longer food, creating the fog.
Alone with obsessions...computer games,
knitting, reading, research, cleaning, sorting...
Alone without obsessions, at least diversion ones,
but with the thoughts, the feelings, the guilt,
the shame, the fears, the hatred, the resentments...
Alone at perfect peace and ease when all those things,
those thoughts, have been set at peace. Alone
serenely, with our higher power, with our thoughts,
with our love, with our recovery. Ahhhhh!!!

Unreachable

Why should I stare at the night sky,
ponder the distances, enjoy the beauty,
wonder about fundamental questions
of life here, of life there, of living?

Why should I try for recovery,
for turning everything over to God
or Power or the Universe or Truth
or whoever, whatever, I may call
a higher power? I can't let go,
can't escape the powers of the disease,
the grasp of the addiction even 
when long years stretch since last I yielded.

Why should I claim to be entirely ready
for my character defects to be removed?
They're ingrained as thoroughly
as my love of sugar, as my breath, as my life,
I cannot release them.

Why should I reach for the stars, dream the dreams
when I can't achieve what I wish to?
Because the stars, the dreams, the recovery
is wonderful when I can drink in what I can receive
knowing how much more is out there for me to crave
the rest of my life as I look up.

Set It Aside

Dear God, please help me set aside everything I think I know so I may have an open mind and a new experience. Please help me see the Truth. Amen. ~ one version of The Set Aside Prayer

I know this stuff, have read it all
(well, most of it) and been to meetings
(well, a lot of them) and worked the Steps
(back then, been there, done that)
and lived the program (pretty well.)
I'm an authority. Just watch the people
come up with an issue and look to me.
They know I know. They trust me to know.
But what I really know is that I don't know.
And I know I'm not honest when honesty means
What did I need to say to this person
so they knew how I honestly felt about them
and the situation? Was I wrongfully silent?My mind is closed to the more, to the better,
to the possible. If I want to grow, to become,
to discover the unexpected, the undeserved,
the magnificent, I must set aside what I know
and admit I don't know except that I know
the Set Aside Prayer.

Looking for Life

Seeking, searching, 
uncovering, exploring,
dissatisfied still.
Yearning, restless, 
craving, needing, 
wanting still.
Discontent, heart ache,
rootless, thwarted,
humiliated.
Humble, sought for,
found, completed,
standing in illumination.

cliparts.co

Start Over

This was when I learned that you have to give up your life as you know it to get a new one: that sometimes you need to let go of everything you're clinging to and start over, whether because you've outgrown it or because it's not working anymore, or because it was wrong for you in the first place. ~ Kelly Cutrone

Sometimes a rough draft, even a final manuscript,
is worthless, something you can learn from
but never repair to give it the vitality, the integrity,
the cohesiveness to be worthy of going forward.
It's a learning tool, a way to sharpen skills...
but not much more. It's time to start over.
But even writing something never to see daylight
you've grown as a writer, gotten better, honed skills.
It's like that in life. Wasted years are never, really.
They serve to learn what not to do, to identify
with people we can help, to give us depth and heart
and a chance to become who we're brave enough to be.

 

Metaphysics

Recovery. The process

of gaining again; of pulling

from mountains of waste

the precious essence

entombed. An idea

so large, so vague,

so elusive we could believe

it illusive. Until it's ours.

On Your Knees

...we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Location 1430)

Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices...at a parent's knee, knee-deep in, bring to knees,
knee-jerk reaction, put over dad's knee,
weak at the knees, take a knee, kneel...
Two masters don't work. You can't kneel before both,
can't serve them equally. Can't have one subservient
for he becomes not a master. If our lives are bound
to a person, an addict, a tyrant, a mate whose needs
come first not only for that partner but for us
we're at his knee, knee-deep in codependency,
too weak at our knees to find a way to fall on our knees
before the power who's Power is real, not forged in guilt,
not worthy of our devotion, our service, our knees.

Whispering Shadows

Secrets, shadows,
ghosts of should-haves,
wraiths of good intentions
haunted,  goaded me,
embroiled my heart and soul.
Destiny led us to these rooms,
all my fears and me. Love held
and healed me, set me free,
relieved me of the fears.
They linger still, my haunts,
and yet befriended now,
are allies as I spread the love
to folks like I once was.

A Decision

Like a diabetic, you make a decision whether to eat what your body can effectively use. ~ Rebecca

What you put in your mouth...
obviously you decide. But for years
I chose to think with my cravings,
with my insecurities, with my loneliness,
with my fear. And the decisions
were like ruts, well-worn paths
to solace...solace that had moved,
that no longer was there,
a vacant shed, long-since deserted.
For instead of comfort self-hatred,
loathing, disgust lives there.
Like learning a the way to a new home
changing from habitual turns,
rote-route memory, to the right path
to where we've chosen to go.
What you put in your mouth...
obviously you decide.
And you can choose new
and disdain choices that lead
to ruins.

Harbinger

He did that on purpose.
Unrepentant. How dare he?
I used to put up with that,
but not now, not in recovery,
not when I'm trying,
working so hard.
Shut up, mind. Of course
it's resentment.
He did it on purpose, though.
What do you mean I can't afford it?
He did it. He meant to be mean.
Hurt me more? Sure. He's not hurt.
I am. A slippery slope? Hush.
Oh, all right. I'll fix him
so he can't hurt me.
I'll forgive him.

Healthy Body Size Is a Cat

Happiness is like a cat. If you try to coax it or call it, it will avoid you. It will never come. But if you pay no attention to it and go about your business, you'll find it rubbing up against your legs and jumping into your lap. ~ William J. Bennett

Coax it? Go ahead and try. Maybe after a long, long time.
But staying power? There's a yo-yo for that, up and down,
down and up, but a special one, climbing higher every time.
I tried for oh-so-many years to manipulate it...mind games
and I lost each time. But then I found the way, so simple.
So counterintuitive, at least for an analytical person
who assumes all things work by reasoning, by planning,
by manipulation. But body weight for those who struggle
by definition doesn't behave that way...that pesky healthy body.
It comes...wants to...but on its terms, not ours. And it comes
when we are calm, confident, not afraid, acting as we should,
giving off vibes that say we're happy, we're recovering.
Then the healthy body weight crawls up in our chair,
sits with us or follows us around the house, as close as can be
for we have become the person "he" wants to be with.