Pay to the Order of You

 5. Anything that you can imagine is yours to be or do or have. As you ask yourself why you want it, the essence of your desire is activated, and the Universe begins to bring it to you. The more intense your positive feelings, the faster it is coming to you. ~ A Synopsis of Abraham-Hicks' Teachings 

What do you want?
If you could choose
would it be money (wealth),
health, freedom from addiction,
a home, an education,
a family...or one you'd prefer,
sanity, serenity, joy, love,
talent, a job, fame, power,
peace?
What would the negotiable instrument look like?
Who would sign it?
How does it happen?
Is it from your Higher Power?
A rich uncle? The public?
Is it really what you wamt
or what you think you should desire?
If you think it and it is good
the thought brings it into existence.
Go ahead. The gift is yours.

The Epitome of O.A.

If Overeaters Anonymous were defined

in the dictionary, the picture would be of Vesta.

The first to arrive for each meeting,

we order tokens for her each year

because nobody else has abstinence

as long as hers. She's held office

from Intergroup rep through Region

and World Service levels,

speaker at workshops and conventions

around the world, the epitome of OA.

She retired two years ago,

lost her husband and a daughter

soon after, began skipping meetings

and when we called had no time to talk.

When I saw her downtown,

she was several sizes larger

and hurried away as though she hadn't seen me.

She's here today, at a meeting

and took a chip we had,

one to re-establish.

Steering the Car

Planning a trip can take many forms.
It can be a broad general concept
to be adapted as the mood may strike
or the plans can be complete at the first
and obsessively detailed.
And the trip to sobriety, to restoration of sanity
can be either as well.
For Recovery a loose idea of a plan is preferred
since a precept is that we don't run the show.
But we have a map
(literature) and guides (sponsors)
and the basic route in the Steps.
There's no one way to do it,
as we depend on daily direction
from the Power in charge.
One rule exists, though.
Surrender your anger, your resentments,
your self-righteousness from the start.
Remember one hard-and-fast rule:
You can't steer the car with the horn!

To Tell the Truth

 A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth, to say no. That's where toughness comes into play. Toughness is not being a bully. It's having backbone. ~ Robert Kiyosaki

How can I say no to a good cause,
to a person who believes I owe them,
a person I've established long history
of rescuing, of placating, of serving...
no matter how harmful my "service"
in truth may be?
For years I've complied done each "ought"
but I'm learning I ought not do the oughts,
not if the doing serves no real purpose.
To tell the truth I forgot years ago
what my truth actually was.
I want your favorable opinion
more than my own.
But I'm brave enough now
to tell the truth, even if it's to me.
When the next right thing is to answer, "No,"
I will tell that truth.

A Place for God

Not everyone needs or wants to know that I’m saving a place for God, and that’s just fine. ~ B., Misti. If You Leave Me, Can I Come with You?: Daily Meditations for Codependents and Al-Anons . . . with a Sense of Humor (Kindle Locations 1088-1089). Hazelden Publishing.

It's talking aloud to God when to all around
I appear to be talking to myself.
Once leaving the courthouse
I suddenly saw someone staring at me
as though my mental health needed
the attention of a judge in the building
I surely must have escaped.
I still could feel conspicuous in public
but since I found Overeaters Anontmous
more than eleven years ago
I announce it freely, occasionally
to a gathering of O.A.'s from several states
and countries, speaking of that Sunday morning
when I bought sugary treats on my way to church,
getting in the car and telling God, "This is stupid!"
I tell them because that was the moment
I joined O.A., nobody around but God and me,
And God used that admission and chagrin
to lead me to surrender myself to His Power.
Yes, God's with me whether anybody else hears
the conversation, and I intend forever more
to save a place for God.

Why Love?

Infantile love follows the principle: I love because I am loved. Mature love follows the principle: I am loved because I love. ~ Erich Fromm

Once we believed it was all about us,
either that we needed to run the world,
that we were on everyone's mind,
that everyone hated us and opposed us...
or all of the above. Then we found Recovery
and discovered definitively
that it WAS all about us...that our anger
for cruelties long past resulted
not from some mistreatment
we "recalled" and resented for years
but that we played a part...usually the major one
in setting up the situation causing our own grievance.
We learned others didn't make us angry
or sad or lonely or enraged...that only we could do it.
We learned that others could not make us happy
by treating us kindly but that as we treated them with love
as we wished to be treated we received love
in giving it away.

I Love You

How would you write the words “I love you” to someone you love, using twenty-five words or less and without using the words “I love you”? ~ Dean, Amy E. Morning Light: A Book of Meditations to Begin Your Day (Kindle Locations 609-611). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Longevity, understanding, comfort through years.
Rough seas calmed, expectations coalesced.
Your concern chafes at times
but in watershed times undergirds.
Death cannot severe two united.

What Do Sponsors Do?

What do you do if I ask you to sponsor me?
    Do you know what a sherpa is?
I guess, kind of.
    Well, I'd be a little like a sherpa.
You mean a Himalayan who lives
on the borders of Nepal and Tibet,
renowned for their skill in mountaineering?
   Yes. I'm like a sherpa.
    We're climbing this mountain and I know this trail.
    I'm not the boss, will not dictate.
    But I'll point out issues, rough spots.
    make suggestions, and I'll stay as long as you
    feel like my suggestions are helpful
    and we can share the trail.

Holy Is Your Name

That first covenant between God and Israel had regulations for worship and a place of worship here on earth. There were two rooms in that Tabernacle. In the first room were a lampstand, a table, and sacred loaves of bread on the table. This room was called the Holy Place. Then there was a curtain, and behind the curtain was the second room called the Most Holy Place. ~ Hebrews 9:1-3 (NLT)

Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 87

What a holy place
these rooms seem,
as we enter to find ourselves
at home
where we’ve never been before.
Wondrous, love incarnate,
understanding, soul mates.
How holy do these rooms feel, 
spiced with years
of  memories,
recovery
glowing with a fine 
patina.
These holy rooms
grow more holy
as more is revealed.
Holy, holy, holy,
holy is your name. 

Thank you for sharing your
name with your children.

Rollins, Barbara. A Cloud of Witnesses -
Two Big Books and Us
(Kindle Locations 1221-1239).
Eagle Wings Press imprint
of Silver Boomer Books.
Kindle Edition.

One at a Time

I am a slow walker, but I never walk back. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Recovery can be a sudden change or
a sudden spiritual or a gradual spiritual awakening.
Appendix II states "...it is true
that our first printing gave many readers
the impression that these personality changes,
or religious experiences, must be
in the nature of sudden and spectacular upheavals."
But "Most of our experiences
are what psychologist William James
calls the 'educational variety'
because they develop slowly over a period of time."
Once you begin the road to Recovery
even with setbacks, you move forward
toward your goal. Keep walking forward,
never backward and a marvelous change appears.
But you'll be pleased when you reach Serenity
that you never walked back!

Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 –
April 15, 1865)

Self-Awareness

We have liabilities, all of us, and it’s generally easier to see them than our assets. Self-awareness is recognizing both. ~ Casey, Karen. Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women (Kindle Locations 317-318). Hazelden Publishing.

My liabilities...failure to remember names,
not only those met once or long ago
but worse, people I know well
or at least work with, see often,
am embarrassed not to have the tag
on the tip of my tongue.
Asked once for family history facts,
amazed my sister assured the woman
that was my area, not hers
then enthusiastically agreed
she knew the live ones, I, the dead!
Another liability, though good at math,
arithmetic, amounts of currency
proves a proclivity to unconditional surrender.
It's long been a joke at events I attend
for someone to declare when I walk in the door,
"She's here, so we're all here, let's begin!"
We won't discuss my spelling and getting dates wrong.
My assets require more thought, except intelligence.
Too many tests through too many years
defy contradiction. But to bolster the catalog
of assets requires sorting through. evaluating.
We have liabilities, all of us,
and it’s generally easier to see them
than our assets.
Self-awareness is recognizing both.

Because It's Right!

“We do right because it’s right.” ~ B., Misti. If You Leave Me, Can I Come with You?: Daily Meditations for Codependents and Al-Anons . . . with a Sense of Humor (Kindle Location 994). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

What is the right thing to do?
What you said you would do
unless you were pressured
or intimidated into saying so.
What you have considered quietly,
calmly, talking with wise people,
seeking guidance from the God
of your understanding.
What the law requires,
What is the commitment,
the responsibility you accepted
with due consideration.
What do you do when you have found
the right thing to do?
You do it, because it's right,
because it's just,
because you have found...
after due consideration...
it to be the right thing to do
and because it feels right.

Heaven on Earth

Here is the main point: We have a High Priest who sat down in the place of honor beside the throne of the majestic God in heaven. There he ministers in the heavenly Tabernacle, the true place of worship that was built by the Lord and not by human hands. ~Hebrews 8:1-2 (NLT)

The wars which had been fought, the burnings and chicanery that religious dispute had facilitated, made me sick. I honestly doubted whether, on balance, the religions of mankind had done any good. Judging from what I had seen in Europe and since, the power of God in human affairs was negligible, the Brotherhood of Man a grim jest. If there was a Devil, he seemed the Boss Universal, and he certainly had me. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 11

Heaven – high above,
distant, apart, away.
The antithesis of Earth, 
Nothing in common with wars,
burnings, chicanery.
Negligible connections.
Heaven – nothing to do
with life on Earth —
except everything!
What love, what grace
pulls even a thought
from perfection to chicanery,
to squalor, to me?

Amazing grace,
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me!

Rollins, Barbara. A Cloud of Witnesses -
Two Big Books and Us
(Kindle Locations 1113-1129).
Eagle Wings Press imprint of
Silver Boomer Books. Kindle Edition.

Never!

We never recover from being human. ~ Janice S

 After a thousand or so miracles happen
and we have come to expect more.
sometimes it's necessary to recall
that while we're changed tremendously,
we still are human and some things
are beyond our reach. I'll never fly,
levitating then floating through air
as I could in my preschool years.
I'll never have it revealed I'm a princess,
daughter of Queen Elizabeth...
We never recover from being human.
But greater things can and will occur
if I live the Steps each day that comes.
I really can reach a healthy body weight
and once there, stay there the rest of my life.
I really can respect myself...even love me...
through thick and thin, joy and sadness
and still have everything I need,
peace, serenity, and love, though it still is true,
We never recover from being human!

I Stand Amazed in the Presence

I will let God know that I seek just to dwell in His presence, to be near Him, not so much for teaching or a message, as just for Him. ~ Anonymous. Twenty Four Hours A Day: Meditations (p. 23). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

How marvelous, how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
How marvelous, how wonderful
is my Savior’s love for me!
God, I hear you tell me,
"Slow down, listen,
be still and know I'm God,
I hear, I care."
But I have a roll...to listen,
to be available, to set aside the trivial.
I want a heart that waits for You,
to know You're here, to hear.
I know You are love,
and my heart longs for Love.
You'll more than do.
Can it really be that all I want,
all I've ever wanted,
that accepting you, the Heart,
the Love, is me becoming whole?

Feeling like a Hug

She kneeled in prayer
feeling the underdog,
cringing at the day just past
and began to lambast God
for her feeling tense,
her song, the blues.
She'd had her say
but somehow stayed,
taking time to feel tension wane,
to recall words long forgotten,
"But they who wait for the Lord
shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."
Tears fell as warmth surrounded her
feeling like a hug.

Mother's Influence

I didn't fit the mold.
Sewed too carelessly,
failing to conform.
Dishes I had dried
sweated still.
Sitting like a lady
seemed physically impossible.
Grades good enough for me
failed to meet her standards.
She encouraged diets
but the pounds piled on.
I wore out slacks and shoes
in nonconformist ways.
Spelling challenged me
and neatness in writing
was unattainable.
I was a challenge for Mother
but the nurturing I retained and conquered
became adequate for life.

Stranger in My Mind

As I take the Twelve Steps
a group of sober drunks
came up with eight decades ago,
simple steps, easy to remember
but far from easy to live...
As I take the Twelve Steps
again and again, coming nearer,
and nearer still, to living the concept
that a Power greater than I
can, could, might actually
restore me to sanity,
I find someone I didn't know
my first six decades. 
I find understandings,
ideas, peace inside of me,
actually me without Recovery
and study her, learn of her,
surprised to know this stranger
in my mind.  

The Children Within

 We come in adult bodies,
all ages, sizes, descriptions.
We come with unmanageable lives,
tied to substances that comfort us.
We stay as both the adult who came,
better able to cope, but also
as the children within, learning
to live with the pain and to repair
what we had done to others,
learning to live as responsible adults
who find we can love the child within.

Why Do I Break my Abstinence?

Let me count the ways...

1. I remember the taste and the feeling
   like I deserve it, like a pat on the back.
2. I have extra time before interacting with others
   and want to put off social ineptness as long as possible.
3. Everybody else is doing it, I don’t want to be different.
4. In the process of eating I forget my concerns,
   my discomfort, my inability to fit in.
5. I’ve been good, it won’t hurt.
6. It brought comfort so long...maybe it will again.
7. Just one won't hurt...but ?I've never stopped at one, though.
8. They gave this party in my honor...it would be rude not to.
9. The normal eater I live with brought it home
   but doesn't want it now. It's a waste to toss it.
10. Why do I break my abstinence? I don't have a clue.

Abstinence is a state of grace by which I am balanced physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s about food, but it’s much more. It’s a way of living that incorporates the principles of the Twelve Steps and gives meaning to my life. ~ Abstinence, Second Edition: Members of Overeaters Anonymous Share Their Experience, Strength and Hope (Kindle Locations 296-297). Overeaters Anonymous. Kindle Edition.

Stumbling on Recovery

Keep on keeping on...
my plan of action.
I have Recovery,
know the answer,
but too often slip and slide.
But I know the destination,
have maps and guides
in literature, meetings,
the tools. So I'll forge on
toward the prize
until I stumble into it.

Making Decisions

In Step Three we “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” This is a big decision for those of us who have a tough time making even small decisions. ~ Family Groups, Al-Anon. Courage to Change—One Day at a Time in Al‑Anon II (Kindle Locations 327-329). Al-Anon Family Groups. Kindle Edition.

The size of the decision.
How do you know how big it is...
deciding to go to a meeting
because Peggy believed it would help...
choosing to try one more time
when surgery seemed the answer,
and you had...or had not...
tried the surgery, but had decided
it wasn't the miracle we'd seen in the ads?
How do we make big, bold decisions
when it has been our custom
to waiver, to vacillate, to stumble
over minor ones? The answer is simple.
We make a decision
to turn our will and our lives
over to the care of God
as we understood Him,
and we surround ourselves
with Recovery people until we know
without a doubt we have made
this big decision then lean
on that Power greater than ourselves
for all the problems, no matter the size,
for the remainder of our lives.

Excuse Us?

In the past, excusing ourselves of all responsibility prevented us from being blamed. We have learned that it also prevented us from feeling worthy, from fulfilling our potential, from feeling the excitement that comes with achievement. ~ Casey, Karen. Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women (Kindle Locations 325-327). Hazelden Publishing. 

It's not my fault. He made me do it.
She made me feel this way.
I did the best I could.
If you had just listened to me...
All my life I've avoided being blamed.
Maybe I did that on purpose.
Surely I did it so my heart and head
would stop hurting, so I could feel
worthy...at least not unworthy...
but it didn't work. Instead I felt nothing,
stumbled through life in a muddle,
inert, static, uncomfortable,
stagnant, inert.
But I was not blameless,
not innocent, sometimes
I was at fault. But stopping the lies.
the ones I told you, him, her, me...
I learned how to feel, how to enjoy,
how to fly, how to be worthy,
to have no need to be excused.

Eventually

The "diet" began at age thirteen with diet pills,
I meandered through "chubby" clothes
the 1/2 tag, slacks wearing out first
at the inner thighs, chiding comments
from Mother and others, called in Red Rover
by the description, "Let Fat Domino come over,"
band uniforms having to be altered,
the embarrassment of hight and weight
being announced before eighth-grade peers,
most weigh-and-pay organizations you could name,
some you never heard of, carb blockers, amphetamines,
a metal pin at an acupuncture point on my ear,
graphs and charts projecting how much I’d lose by what date
counseling (3 times, years at a time),
hypnotism, and anything else marginally relative,
fasting one day each week,
beginning to write a book about how with a partner
I attained a total weight loss of 500 pounds,
knowing I lacked well over a hundred of those
before publication, and giving myself shots in the stomach
twice daily with a medication approved for diabetics,
which I was not, but not approved for weight control....
The "diet" lasted until 36 days before age 60...
Unlucky? Certainly.
Stubborn? It would seem so,
but no, neither luck nor mulishness
had anything to do. Fortune stepped in,
led me to understand it's a disease,
and led me eventually to Recovery
in the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous.

Age-Old Wisdom

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5–6 NIV

God, I offer myself to Thee - To build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt. The book of Proverbs
predate the Third Step Prayer by more than
twenty-two hundred years, but the message
rings true in either context. Turn your life over...
surrender by trusting your God with all your heart...
and if it's truly done your Recovery is bound to happen,
God will make your paths straight!

Reaching Forward

The past is past
but I look at it,
study it, glean tidbits.
A wise woman tells me
pneumonia often implies
extreme guilt, and we ponder
the meaning when I was a child.
And what have I sought
my whole life long?
Why did I turn to food
as my source of solace?
How have I chained my spirit?
How do I learn to loosen the fetters now?
I look at the past, examine the present,
and ponder how best to change
for the future as I better the future.

To Tell The Truth

I'm what has come to be known
as codependent.
I offer to help all the time,
act willing when you control me,
aim to please.
Inside, though, I'm yelling,
"So, do it yourself, Lazy!
And when you come back
could you bring me..."
But I don't have to act
in a codependent way
any more than this compulsive overeater
has to eat compulsively.
The two issues yield
to the same Twelve Steps
and considering the issues I have
the same ones led me to both
compulsions and surrendering
to my Higher Power
leads to Recovery from both.

Step Three

Settling on the need
To surrender our will and our
Egos to a
Power greater than we...

Then doing that
Has marvelous
Results,
Ensuring
Everlasting tranquility.

I Have Rights

The call the behavior
codependent...
excessive emotional
or psychological reliance
on a partner,
typically a partner
who requires support
due to an illness or addiction.
I try my best to avoid
rocking the boat,
causing the wrath
to target me.
I have opinions,
ideas, solutions,
but maintain my silence.
I'm determined
to change my ways,
to state my mind,
to let the world know.
I really do have rights of my own.

Changing Me

 No one can make me change. No one can stop me from changing. No one really knows how I must change, not even I. Not until I start. I will remember that it only takes a slight shift in direction to begin to change my life. ~ Family Groups, Al-Anon. Courage to Change—One Day at a Time in Al‑Anon II (Kindle Locations 82-84). Al-Anon Family Groups. Kindle Edition.
My daddy often said,
"There's nothing new and improved."
We have three old dogs
and two senior citizens living here.
None of the five of us adapt well
to changes of procedures.
But I need to change
from the inside out.
I believe my tension, my fear,
my trying to change me and others
is affecting my body, causing physical pain.
So how do I make this old dog newly improved?
I'm reading the wisdom of other people
who found such a path in Recovery.
I'm internalizing it.
I'm reading the Bible cover to cover this year,
absorbing the text. I'm learning to pray,
asking for help and considering trying suggestions.
No one can make me change.
No one can stop me from changing.
No one really knows how I must change,
not even I. Not until I start.
I will remember that it only takes
a slight shift in direction
to begin to change my life.

Inevitable if You Take Step Three

Once we compulsive overeaters truly take the third step, we cannot fail to recover. ~ Anonymous, Overeaters. The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Location 317). Overeaters Anonymous, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

How do you "take" a step that says,
"Came to believe a power
greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity?"
What is involved in taking a step?
What does that have to do
with coming to believe?
Most of our lives
we don't think about
physically taking a step.
For a beginner, someone
overcoming an injury
and the aged, thought
is mandatory.
Put your weight on one leg
then move the other,
preferably involving
knee flexing.
Is there a correlation?
Shifting the weight
can be, "don't think so hard."
Flexing the knee
is an upward shift... (or kneeling?)
looking toward a Higher Power?
Moving forward is almost
a controlled fall,
certainly one relying
on being caught, a proper landing.
Coming to believe
a higher power
could set you straight
Involves diverting your mind,
reaching up, knowing
Daddy's up there,
you're going to be fine,
then repeating until
it becomes obvious, a given,
everything's going to be fine.

The Things I Don't Say

I swallow my words when I want to yell them,
stuff them down like for so many years
I ate comfort food. The problem is,
the words and the anger that caused them
too often trigger the stuffing food again.
I choke on the words I don't say
and my life and the one I'm touching
both suffer for the deceit.

Acceptance

View everything that comes your way—the good as well as the challenging—with acceptance of whatever you are given. ~ Dean, Amy E. Morning Light: A Book of Meditations to Begin Your Day (Kindle Locations 268-269). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

"Thank you." Have you ever said that
when you would prefer to spit in their face?
I certainly have. When the comment is an insult,
when the act is a token in the right direction
but you feel it's so minimal as to be an affront...
Harvey Mindess says, no hypocrisy, injustice
or foolishness (only) but life but "to accept ourselves,
not blindly and not with conceit,
but with a shrug and a smile."
Maybe that's what I'm doing with "Thank you."
If I'm being ridiculed, insulted, belittled
I can accept it, knowing it's not my due,
but understanding not "rising"to the insult
actually places me on an elevated plain,
and I can be comfortable in knowing
who I am, what I'm worth, that words
aren't sticks and stones and I need not
acknowledge their impact. What a person thinks of me
is none of my business so long as I behave
as I know I have a right to acceptance.

Haunted

The pain, the constant search for acceptance and love in the eyes and behavior of others, still haunts us. But those days are past. We are daring to be ourselves, one day at a time. ~  Karen Casey. Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women (Kindle Locations 207-209). Hazelden Publishing.

When our self-esteem yields
the right to analyze, to assess ourself
to those around us...and, in doing so
choose to spend our lives with those
whose analysis falls nearest to the baseness
we self-assign, we end up haunted,
believing ourselves morally bankrupt.
But all things can change...even self-appraisal.
That happens sometimes quickly,
sometimes after a while,
as we learn to be ourselves
one day at a time.

To Whole

From wholly His to whole. ~ Anonymous. A Day at a Time: Daily Reflections for Recovering People (Hazelden Meditations)

The story of Recovery:
We came.
We came to.
We came to believe.
But for some of us, it begins to get tough
with "We came to believe."
Have I truly come to believe
that only through utter defeat
am I able to take the first step
toward liberation and strength?
Do I instead harbor reservations
about the principle of
letting go and letting God …?
If so, I truly have moved
From wholly His to whole.

Sleep

Sleep is a sandwich,
coming after a nightly inventory,
after amends have been made,
and recitation of gratitudes.

On awakening we think about
the twenty-four hours ahead.
We consider our plans for the day.
We ask God to direct our thinking,
especially asking that it be divorced
from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
Sleep is a sandwich, wrapped between
such goodness, we sleep well
recovery percolating into joy.

Recovery Day

Monday, Monday
So good for me,
a week begun grounded
in Recovery.
After breakfast
I call my sponsor,
soak up wisdom,
her words, her guidance.
Then shortly after
five of us gather
in three countries,
two states, three time zones.
A meeting, then coffee
We share our lives,
mold our recovery
and bear up our fellows.
We disconnect,
to live our lives
in Ireland, Mexico,
California and Texas.
Until again we have
Monday, Monday
So good for me!

The Days of the Weak

I missed my meeting on Monday,
considered getting to Tuesday's
to touch base, be encouraged.
Wednesday's was so early,
and I forgot to set the alarm.
I could have gone online
or called in on a phone meeting but didn't.
Saturdays are to be at home, not to get a meeting,
and Monday was just around the corner
so I skipped Saturday.
By Monday I'd missed a week.
It didn't seem crucial
and that was it, my days of the weak.

Pay Attention to My Obvious Misery

It is likely someone will
pay attention if I wear misery like a badge,
if I wallow in it and wail of it,
spreading the misery.
I know I do when someone's obvious misery
be-smudges my world.
We don't have to search for misery.
It's all around you. But if you find support,
join a group where Recovery abounds,
you can find positive addiction
and with it, peace.

A Living Faith

 If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm. ~ Mohandas Gandhi

When we come to believe
a Power greater than we
could restore our sanity
then decide to surrender
our will and lives to the Power,
then that commitment must last,
good times and bad without end.
But the special part is the good times
and what would have been could-be-called-bad
aren't so bad...can be even meaningful,
important for growth, because of the choice
to release the reins and keep the Power
at our side
every day that comes.

How to Welcome Change

I have learned that when the pain of where I am is worse than the fear of where I’m going, I welcome change. ~Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 2483-2484). Overeaters Anonymous.

Step Six declares we “Were entirely ready
to have God remove
all these defects of character.”
Our traits we once identified as our nature
once served a purpose, made us who we were.
They are as comfortable to us
as the foods and eating behaviors
that pulled us yo Recovery.
But we got uncomfortable enough with the food,
we can do the same with other traits, and like the food,
we'll learn the comfort comes when we change those as well
and for comfort, less fear, we'll be entirely ready!

My Real Task

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~ Rumi

I'm lovable...or so I've been told.
I'm respected, so I'm respectable.
Why is that easier to accept than lovable?
I know there's an issue with using the song
"Jesus loves me" with children
because it's so tough to proof text it
with inquisitive and literal children
but God loves me. "So we have come to know
and to believe the love that God has for us.
God is love, and whoever abides in love
abides in God, and God abides in him."
and "In this is love, not that we have loved God
but that he loved us..." I know I'm loved
by people, by Jesus, by God, but
that's not the point. My task
is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find
all the barriers within myself
that I have built against it.
Thank God!

Fear of Fear

Fear can become a power greater than myself. I may not be able to fix it or make it go away. ~ Al-Anon Family Groups. Courage to Change—One Day at a Time in Al‑Anon II (Kindle Locations 3916-3917).

Step Three doesn't look  toward finding
only a Power greater than I, but one
capable of restoring me to sanity.
What other powers can be greater than I?
Certainly food, my curmudgeon of an addiction.
For me, a more omnipresent great power
is the overwhelming need to keep another
from spewing my way confidence-eroding verbiage
I allow to do just that. What other powers dwarf me?
Procrastination: chronic low-intensity fear.
Guilt. My prized possession in the past,
a niggling presence of my present.
Whatever the other powers greater than me may be,
there is another I call God or Spirit or Demiurge,
and that Power is not only greater than me,
but greater than any would-be competing higher power,
and that Power claims me when I turn to Him
and reigns supreme over all the rest
so I have no need ti fear fear or any other power.
I choose to honor and surrender to the Power
that is well able to confront any other power
and fix it or make it go away!

Declare Me Righteous

⁸  ...Declare me righteous, O Lord,
          for I am innocent, O Most High! ~ Psalm 7:8 New Living Translation (NLT)

God, teach me the lesson here.
It feels wrong, arrogant, presumptuous.
What is the effect of declaring me righteous?
It doesn't change Your mind.
Is the purpose to assure me,
to remove my doubts, my self-loathing?
¡Ojalá que sí! Let it be so!!

Real Power

Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings. ~ MelodyBeattie. The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series (p. 8). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Blame. My Blame, your blame, his blame, her blame.
Surely society is to blame. Who's to blame?
Blame: responsibility for a fault or wrong.
Responsibility, guilt, accountability, liability, culpability, fault.
Responsibility. Perhaps a synonym but stronger,
responsible, even. Vulnerable, human,
having real power BECAUSE we allow  ourselves vulnerability.
We know that because we feel hurt. Perhaps once
we did not feel the hurt, blocked the feelings with addiction,
feeling no pain...or other feelings.
Powerless. Powerless over addiction,
unable to manage our own lives.
Until we found by surrendering to Power
instead of to addiction we began to accept responsibility...
not blame...for the feelings we discovered
and began to feel, to understanding by surrendering,
giving up, and...SURPRISE...found we had REAL power...
besides having Power!

Hooray for Abstinence!

Years and years of eating
for comfort, in rebellion,
as a reward, for no reason
other than the trigger tripped
so eating goes on, inertia-driven.
Then a simple plan, people who know you
on first introduction, your doppelgängers.
Eating gains sanity,
with a fellowship's backing,
and abstinence happens
bringing what seemed impossible
but now just happens,
one day at a time
with friends and a Power
greater than you.

I Trust You, HP!

I WANT YOU TO LEARN A NEW HABIT. Try saying, “I trust You, Jesus,” in response to whatever happens to you. ~ Sarah Young. Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence. Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

"God, I offer myself to Thee
to build with me & to do with me
as Thou wilt."
"My Creator, I am now willing
that You should have all of me,
good and bad."
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
"Not my will but Yours be done."
"I trust you, Higher Power."
A prayer that comes readily
to mind among people,
spoken when alone
whatever comes to happen
solidifies the surrender,
puts all things in perspective,
brings true Recovery.

Be Beautiful!

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

We once may have taken on the world to manage,
trying hard but doing a miserable job. We could control nothing,
especially not ourselves. Miserable in the failure,
we turned to substances, behaviors, people, habits...crutches.
For a while they dulled the pain until they caused more pain
than we'd ever known before. Angry with every person in our lives,
we still tried to control them, needing their good will
so we could soak it up, so we could approach respect for ourselves.
We felt betrayed by everyone, that they had no worth
and we had less. We needed their respect,
their admiration so from that we could kindle
our own regard for ourselves.
Sometimes from the depths we are led to help,
begin to understand how wrong we've been,
surrender our role as director of the world,
find the truth we never could control anyone else,
nor even ourselves, but if we released the reins,
if we turned the whole mess over to a Power
capable of handling it all, if we did only the part we could
and gave up control of the rest, if we accepted who we were,
what we could do...if we accepted ourselves,
leave the rest to others, we find all we had tried to fix is fixed,
and we are okay...more than okay. We're beautiful!

Torn Down and Remade

She gave me a book, asked me to read it.
I did, the collection of people's stories,
tales of finding new life in Overeaters Anonymous.
I decided to try it...but after the new year,
not to ruin Christmas and a European trip.
So much for my plans, though.
I was zapped December 17th,
knew I could not wait. I became committed,
eating sanely despite the plethora of food,
hurt myself badly yet declined treating pain with food.
The flight to London was miserable but safe.
Internet cafes were my friend as I reported
to a worldwide circle what I ate.
Flying home hurt less, and the reward
was a report by the scales I'd gained no weight.
in three weeks of holiday abundance.
A schedule rearranged and a snowy day
when I alone got to the OA meeting place,
then two days after I turned sixty
I passed up the offer of a newcomer's chip
but accepted one for thirty days of a brand new life.
Eleven years ago I chose Recovery
over comfort food, leaving behind the life I knew
for one a million times better.

A New Way in the Wilderness

This is what the Lord says — he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. ~ Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 (NIV) 

What is more a wasteland than a person
relying on substances, behaviors, control
of chaotic circumstances...on self...
to muddle through? How can we traverse the swamp?
How can we overcome ourselves and find a path?
Must we rely on tales of Adam and Eve,
of Noah, Abraham, Jacob, Moses and David?
Sure, there are tales of miracles, but how and why
should we perceive them as other than those of Hercules,
Thor, Poseidon, Odin, Mercury, Adonis, Loki?
The tales seem to read the same. The past,
before real history has no pull on my soul.
But what of real history? Of people alive now?
If real people tell me, show me from their own path
of  a new thing springing up; of changed lives
that once were hopeless like mine?
Can it really be true there is a Power
making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland, transforming lives
as hopeless as mine? Surely it's worth my time
to talk to such people, to try their path,
to take their steps, to allow myself the thrill
of passing through the wasteland
to find what they swear to be real!

A Better Person

Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Be at war with your vices.
Hating yourself is not being at war
with your vices; not even
hating your life, your addictions,
your habits is being at war
with your vices.
Only reaching the point you know
you're powerless over your addiction,
that your life is unmanageable
approaches being at war with the vices.
Add coming to believe a Higher Power
could lead you to sanity
and deciding to jump off the bridge,
deciding to let the Higher Power manage
constitutes being at war with your vices.
Being at peace with your beighbors
comes from working the other nine steps,
admitting your part, making amends,
daily being at war with your vices.
And that opens the door to your really, truly
having a happy new year and being
progressively, day-by-day
a better person!

All Things Are New Again

Old things have passed away: behold, all things are become new. ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17(b) (New Matthew Bible)

It's the dream of every New Year.
We'll start over, do it right this time.
With a list of our good intentions,
often recycled from last year
and several years beyond that beginning.
But the magic of a new year failed before,
probably will again. At least without
the first part of the verse:
"Therefore if any person is in Christ,
he is a new creature." But for most
of a hundred years, Recovery people have found
the new creature, new person can come
from an acknowledgement we are not supreme,
from any Higher Power greater than us,
even one we create by writing a description
of a Power we could respect, we could accept,
one to whom we could yield our will,
surrender our lives, hand over control.
It is the process of surrender that matters,
for I believe the creator of the universe
over centuries has answered to countless names,
and if our attitude reflects a new path,
a true surrender,  a single universal
Power Greater than we
stands ready to make us new again.