Recovery Is a Process

Slowly, what I heard began to take hold. First was acceptance. I’d been angry with myself for my relapse. I finally began to accept that relapse was part of my process and to let go of the self-hatred. I accepted that God and others loved me. I was able to let them see the real me—not just the part I chose to show the rest of the world. With the understanding and support of my husband, sponsor, and friends, I slowly learned to love myself….

I learned humility. Being myself was enough. I am neither better than nor less than anyone else. I can listen, learn, and keep an open mind, but comparisons had to stop! Last, I learned about belief. I had always equated belief with faith. Through study, I discovered that belief means simply how we think. It comes before faith. When I act on belief, I think something will work. Faith happens after I have proven to myself that something is true. I heard someone say: “We become what we believe.” Suddenly I realized I never thought I could recover. I became willing to believe in the possibility of success and recovery for myself. ~ Story: “Losing Pounds, Gaining Ground”, Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition. Overeaters Anonymous. Kindle Edition.

I’ve been coming back to Overeaters Anonymous
since 2007. I’ve never stopped learning,
never stopped growing, never been permanently cured
of compulsive food behaviors. I’ve grown to respect myself,
I’ve learned the hard way what “outside issues” means in
Tradition Ten by sharing the wrong gifts.
I learned humility in many ways, most directly
by not talking about major parts of myself
when asked to speak about what it was like,
what happened, and what it was like then.
I could not believe it when my sponsor
directed the omissions. She was right!
I have come to admire the wisdom of Recovery.
I am willing to believe in the possibility of success
and recovery for myself…and everyone else
who keeps coming back!  

DoingItSober site

Exalted Humility

 9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ 

13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Luke 18:9-14 (NIV)

Are you proud of your humility?
Do you gloat about being different?
Can you point to your praiseworthy
nature, number your excellent traits?
Do you point out to God your superiority?
Are you confident in your righteousness?

Had Jesus seen you as lacking righteousness
would you have cringed and claimed humility?
Would you have argued he’s misunderstood superiority?
Surely he should have understood how different
were your nature and the unrelated traits
of the other man who certainly couldn’t be as praiseworthy

Could Jesus possibly call an admitted sinner praiseworthy?
How could the sinner see himself as having righteousness?
Did he see no difference in greatness and in lesser traits…
well, naturally the fellow would have humility
though it certainly would be a very different
way of defining the term superiority!

Looking at the tax collector, he deserved superiority
at least in boldness, since praying in person was praiseworthy,
for the man’s gall though in a totally different
direction…but it did seem he admitted lacking in righteousness
and he had to have humility
to show up and admit his traits!

He did stand at a distance, showing traits
indicating a level of understanding superiority
to people who disdained him and his humility
which in a different context might be praiseworthy
and evidence of an innate righteousness
to say the least, from the norm, different.

Jesus showed righteousness of praiseworthy humility
and communicated different traits demonstrated righteousness.

Personalized Religion

There is no such thing as a good hand-me-down religion. To be vital, to be the best of which we are capable, our religion must be a wholly personal one, forged entirely through the fire of our questioning and doubting in the crucible of our own experience of reality. ~ Peck, M. Scott. The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth (p. 182). Touchstone. Kindle Edition.

Give me that old-time religion
Give me that old-time religion
Give me that old-time religion
Its’ good enough for me!

It will take us all to heaven
It will take us all to heaven
It will take us all to heaven
Lord it’s good enough for me*

How do you understand God?
How comfortable are you
in creating the God of Your Understanding?
Is He/She a wholly personal one,
forged entirely through the fire
of your questioning and doubting
in the crucible of your own experience of reality?

Do you feel like you’re cheating
to choose your own idea of God?


*traditional gospel song

Image Copyright: Cathy Yeulet

How Will You Spend Your Day?

Today you will spend solitary moments of conversation with yourself, either listing your complaints or counting your blessings. ~ Tripp, Paul David. New Morning Mercies (p. 242). Crossway. Kindle Edition.

Why is complaining so easy?
Tripp’s response is, they’re
easy because sin still causes us
to make it all about us.
Because sin really
is selfishness at its core,
we all still tend
to shrink our worlds down
to the small confines
of our wants, our needs,
and our feelings.
What about
counting your blessings, though?
We’re leaving out sin, selfishness,
wants, needs, most feelings…ours
as well as those we perceive in others…
running through a field,
gulping in fresh air, smelling flowers,
listening to children laugh,
even sitting alone and remembering
such times!

Image Copyright :
Valerie Garner

Am I to Blame?

 

And if your hours are empty now, who am I to blame ~ lyrics “Goodbye Again” by John Denver

Why didn’t I hear this song years ago?
Why didn’t I know I wasn’t to blame,
couldn’t fill his hours, couldn’t give him peace,
couldn’t make it right. Why didn’t I know
the brokenness could only be cobbled
by him? Why couldn’t I bolt from the cage?
Countless people told me, years ago,
to leave, that I wasn’t broken, to go.
I knew in my heart, years ago,
he never had been, never would be,
comforted by anything I might do.
I knew. I heard the song. But I couldn’t
hear.

Image Copyright : Ion Chiosea

Chase Perfection

 Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence. ~ Vince Lombardi

Perfection: the condition, state,
or quality of being free
or as free as possible
from all flaws or defects.
“Surely there is not a righteous man
on earth who does good
and never sins.” Ecclesiastes 7:20
“There is no fear in love,
but perfect love casts out fear.
For fear has to do with punishment,
and whoever fears
has not been perfected in love.” James 4:18
“You therefore must be perfect,
as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5:48
“Not that I have already obtained this
or am already perfect,
but I press on to make it my own,
because Christ Jesus has made me his own.
Brothers, I do not consider
that I have made it my own.
But one thing I do:
forgetting what lies behind
and straining forward
to what lies ahead,
I press on toward the goal
for the prize of the upward call of God
in Christ Jesus.
Let those of us who are mature
think this way, and if in anything
you think otherwise,
God will reveal that also to you.”
Philippians 3:12-15
Maybe I can attain perfection.
I’ll try, and rejoice if I catch excellence!

Human Nature

 

Human nature is a concept that denotes the fundamental dispositions and characteristics—including ways of thinking, feeling, and acting—that humans are said to have naturally. The term is often used to denote the essence of humankind, or what it ‘means’ to be human. This usage has proven to be controversial in that there is dispute as to whether or not such an essence actually exists. ~ Wikipedia

Is there a human nature
If so, are Recovery People aberrant?
Or were we aberrant only before
we became Recovery people?
I’ve long believed that to be the case?
After all, Step One is admitting we’re powerless
over our obsession of choice and our lives
are unmanageable. And by the time
we’ve taken the Steps, internalizing them,
living them, our lives have become pleasant,
successful, the issues resolved…
We’ve found life to be a three-legged stool,
balanced among physical, emotional,
and spiritual needs. We have discovered
the essence of humankind,
or what it means to be human!
Our lives have become balanced
and well-worth living!

We Include Me!

 I need my friends,
those I know, those I never met.
We share Recovery
and know each other
for we share a common obsession.
More alike often than our family
or long-cherished friends,
They’re more like me
and understand my struggles
as I do theirs.
Welcome to Recovery, my friend,
Welcome Home!

Let Me See What You Show Me, God

 Grant me, O Lord, to know that which ought to be known; to love that which ought to be loved; to praise that which pleaseth Thee most, to esteem that which is precious in Thy sight, to blame that which is vile in Thine eyes. Suffer me not to judge according to the sight of bodily eyes, nor to give sentence according to the hearing of the ears of ignorant men; but to discern in true judgment between visible and spiritual things, and above all things to be ever seeking after the will of Thy good pleasure. ~ Kempis, Thomas à. The Imitation of Christ (Illustrated) (p. 175). LiberWriter.com. Kindle Edition.

God, I seem to control our conversations,
not to yield the lead to you.
It’s not my conscious choice to dominate,
to blaze the trail, to set the path,
to choose the topics….
I have no need to control,
know I have nothing to offer you
other than my responding to guidance.
I want to love you, to obey you, to discern
your guidance, your intentions.
Forgive me for arrogance, for forging a path,
for plodding on. Let me seek understanding
and true discipleship.
God, lead me all the time!

Thomas-à-Kempis

Everything in Life Is a Choice

 Everything in life is a choice.

The key is to make those choices from a place of joy and abundance and happiness—from the energy that flows through everything, including you—rather than making a choice based on fear or lack or feeling rushed. Choice in the moment made in the service of joy or happiness always wins. The actions based on fear or lack always feel like burdens rather than like freedom. ~ Gibbons, Maureen. Happy First How to Win Life in the Moment at Home, at Work, at the Gym, and Even in the Kitchen (pp. 54-55). Stand Smiling Press. Kindle Edition.

The washing machine is running.
I did the best I could to turn the top inside out
as the washing instructions directed.
I could have done it yesterday
when I read the instructions.
I'll try to remember not to put it in the dryer later.
But all is well.
I could have washed a load yesterday
rather than two loads today.
But it's all good.
I'll be glad tomorrow it's done.
The kitchen floor needs repair.
I dread it but chose the timing
to search tomorrow for the service company.
So the inconvenience will be
the path to freedom from further damage.
Today my choices will lead to abundance.

The Manchild

 Written immediately following the hearing on April 19, 2000

 

I am the judge.  He is the man child, just past the watershed seventeenth birthday.  Before three other judges he is an adult, charged with adult misdemeanors.  In my court he is a child charged with murder because nine months ago he followed the home boys.
He followed the home boys and drank beer.
He followed the home boys and drank gin.
He followed the home boys and took Valium.
He followed the home boys and smoked weed.
There was a pecker wood, a white man who presumed to invade the sanctum of the Hood.
The wood was a loser.
The wood was an old man at 38.
The wood was HIV positive.
The wood as drunk.
The wood was contentious.
The wood was in the wrong place.
The wood singled out the lady sitting on a car and demanded a light.
The wood and the lady argued.
The lady was friendly.
The lady had been friendly with the old home boy.
The lady had been friendly with the young home boys.
The lady had been friendly with the man child.
The old home boy socked the wood for the name of the lady and the Hood.
The wood lay on the pavement.
The young home boys hit the wood with quart beer bottles.
The young home boys hit the wood with gallon gin bottles.
The man child hit the wood and he hit him and he hit him.
The heat came.  Everybody left.  The wood lay dying on the pavement.
I am the judge of the man child.
I am not the judge of the man child's mother who let him grow up a wild child and would not come to get him when called.
I am not the judge of the man child's father who disappeared after the genesis and does not know the man child.  It is said the man child's father now lives with the man child's step sister as her man.
I am not the judge of the man child's step father whose leaving prompted the man child to transform from a good student to a Crip home boy in two brief years.
I cannot judge the juvenile system that kept slapping his hand and sending him home to mama, when she would take him, and to his aunts and grandmother when mama would not take him.
I am the judge of the man child.  God help me, I am the judge of the man child.

Needing People

 Attaching ourselves to others seems like a natural response. The feeling of aloneness, of separation from others, is palpable and haunting. So then we cling to whoever wanders too close, much like a moth to flame. This isn’t something to be ashamed of, however. Wanting connection with others is good. It’s normal. It’s also very healing for both parties. But nurturing a connection for the purpose of healing our wounded inner spirit and forming an attachment that stifles the growth of either party are not the reasons we have found each other on this journey. We have found each other solely to act as listeners, healers, prayerful companions, not to be hostages to each other. ~ Casey , Karen. Let Go Now (p. 76). Mango Media. Kindle Edition.

Do you need people?
Who doesn’t need people?
Do you have enough people in your life?
Have the changes in the past months
deprived you of people you need in your life?
My answer, yes! Is your answer yes?
What do we do about it?
I have despised the telephone for decades.
Into the seventh decade to be honest.
But I commit to pick up
the hundred pound phone daily
and to talk to a person,
solely to act as a listener, a healer,
a prayerful, caring companion,
not to believe others will feel like my hostages,
nor for me to believe others will resent my call.

The Source of Help

 This old age ought not to creep on a human mind. In nature every moment is new; the past is always swallowed and forgotten; the coming only is sacred. Nothing is secure but life, transition, the energizing spirit. No love can be bound by oath or covenant to secure it against a higher love. No truth so sublime but it may be trivial to-morrow in the light of new thoughts. People wish to be settled; only as far as they are unsettled is there any hope for them. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, Essays, First Series

Every moment is new,
even as we grow old,
but the myriad new moments
keep life fresh when retirement
and slowing down may mean
the four walls are usually the same ones.
The bonus offered by the new, the different,
brings new possibilities like
dealing with problems, adjusting as needed
finding the thoughts differ and no longer
necessarily send me to the refrigerator,
but I can learn to change, to head to
my Higher Power instead of old survival tactics.
Only as long as we are unsettled
is there any hope for finding positive solutions,
moving toward hope and Recovery!

Made of Braided Stardust

Nancy,  

According to astronomers, every atom in my body was forged in a star. I am made, they insist, of stardust. I am stardust braided into strands and streamers of information, proteins and DNA, double helixes of stardust. In every cell of my body there is a thread of stardust as long as my arm. ~ Chet Raymo

We are a part of a mighty whole.
In the beginning the world was without form and void
and the Spirit of God moved
upon the face of the waters.
And God said, Let there be and there was.
We are part of a master plan.
And it was and is good.
We were worth making as a universe.
We were worth making as matter.
We were worth making as spirit.
We are worthy.
We have value.
We matter.
You matter.
I matter.

Hubble telescope image, public domain

The Most Important Factor

If I were asked what in my opinion was the most important factor in being successful in this program, besides following the Twelve Steps, I would say Honesty. And the most important person to be honest with is Yourself. ~ “Bum. Radio, and Rebellion,”  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. First and Second Editions, Kindle Edition.

Are you honest with yourself?
I’d like to say yes, of course!
The truth is, I skip over the lie,
don’t even nod toward it.
And I can put myself in danger.
When I haven’t had enough to eat,
and I’m the only person awake in the house,
the sensible choice is to eat more acceptable food,
but lying to myself, hunger sneaks in,
suggests the wrong options, and I listen to the lie.
So tonight I planned around it, are right food
at the right time and am going to bed
satisfied, dwelling in truth. 

Image Copyright : Rui Santos

To Seek Is to Find

 

The first step I took when I admitted to myself for the first time that all my previous thinking might be wrong. The second step came when I first consciously wished to believe. As a result of this experience I am convinced that to seek is to find, to ask is to be given. ~  Story: “Educated Agnostic” The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Second Edition, Kindle Edition.

Wasted thinking. All the analysis
that had gone before, detailed,
systematical, meticulous, orderly,
ordinal, encyclopedic, satisfactory,
acceptical, non-refutable…
I admitted to myself
for the first time
that all my previous thinking
might be wrong.
Then, that knocked down,
I first consciously wished to believe.
At that point I was willing
to become convinced
that to seek is to find,
to ask is to be given.
Once the debris of our own analysis
has been dismissed and laid aside,
at long last we can stop ruling the universe,
and accept the marvelous truth
awaiting our openness,
our readiness to accept
the abundance, the copious gift
that has always been ours for the taking.

Honesty, Spiritual Principle for Step One

 

When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in front of them all, “You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?…”  ~ Galatians 2:14 (NIV)

 Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.  We must, or it kills us! (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

Hypocrite!
Pretender! Phony!
A sanctimonious sham!
Was Peter deceitful?
Are we all when we claim
to disown selfishness
but recruit for our own benefit?
Others may be – it’s not my concern.
What matters is my fraud,
writing such truths when mostly
they’re to tutor me,
to school me in my own deceits.
I hear myself share what I wish to be true,
what I strive to receive,
what I know awaits me
when at long last
I lay down my piety
and finally figure out
surrender.

Forgive me my hypocrisy, God.
Please give me true faith.

If You Walk, It Works

If You Walk, It Works
If you do as we say
walk our simple path
bedevilments dissolve
abundance transpires
lives evolve to radiance
as the fifth dimension
of existence homesteads
in your heart and home 

Limits

God is everything
or nothing.
Nothing? God
can’t be nothing.
Nothing can be
so complex,
so real
and come from
nothing.
God is everything
so he’s in charge.
Of everything.
What does that
leave for me?
Nothing.
Except
everything.

How to Stop Eating Compulsively

Admit you've tried before
hundreds of times
Acknowledge it won't be easier to try again.
Look around and find your former peers
who no longer eat compulsively.
Get their suggestions, ask what they're doing.
List how many said they gave up the, got help.
Did they turn control over to a
Power that Could, a More Powerful Force?
Do they recommend a person who's walked the path
as a guide? Do they talk about self examination?
About sharing the results with the person and the Power?
Do they figure out from there
their character defects?
Do they clean up the issues with people they've hurt?
Do they find it all to be a new way of life they want to share?

Is God Ignoring Me?

 

Lord, what cause can I have of complaint, if Thou forsake me? Or what can I justly allege, if Thou refuse to hear my petition? Of a truth, this I may truly think and say, Lord, I am nothing, I have nothing that is good of myself, but I fall short in all things, and ever tend unto nothing. And unless I am helped by Thee and inwardly supported, I become altogether lukewarm and reckless. ~ Kempis, Thomas à. The Imitation of Christ (Illustrated) (p. 154). LiberWriter.com. Kindle Edition.

Recovery makes us new people
but we’re created of old parts.
We may cling to the old
even aware there’s better for the accepting.
Sometimes, the old feelings creep back in.
The soul sickness is so familiar, so known,
so easy to slip into old patterns…
But we really do have a Higher Power,
ready and eager to gently lead us back from the brink
when we lose our way and find ourselves again
feeling altogether lukewarm and reckless!

Naturally

 I roar, a lion incensed
you deign to cross me.
I scurry, a trembling mouse
as you approach.
Like a wood rat I claim
your bauble for its sparkle.
It’s natural
For an animal.
I want to be more,
I need to be more.
I need a new nature, God.

Meditate

Wait. I hesitate, 
I can vacillate, translate, inflate, 
celebrate, masticate, conjugate… 
But meditate? 
When I wake my mind skates 
straight to figure eights. I cannot sate 
the breakneck gait. 
Meditate? 
It’s some mistake. 
Wait. Intake breath, deflate. 
Thoughts abate, calm, sedate. 
God awaits. 
Relate.

From Slender Steps to Sanity:
Twelve-Step Notes of Hope
by OAStepper

Helping Us Cope

 Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships—the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationships—the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us! ~ Beattie, Melody.The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series (p. 94). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

The purpose of our difficult relationships
is teaching us to cope?
That must be my greatest need,
for it’s certainly the most persistently used
teaching tool I encounter!
How do I learn to cope with emotions
without sabotaging myself?
An online list includes…
playing with your kids
watching a funny movie
might cheer you up.
Calming down before saying something you might regret.
can be approached by
clean the house (or a closet, drawer, or area),
Coloring, yoga, drawing,
drinking tea,  gardening,
going for a walk,  exercising,
listening to music,
writing a gratitude list,
meditate,
pray,
put on lotion that smells good,
read a book,
squeeze a stress ball,
take a bath, treat yourself
to a manicure, pedicure, massage,
write in a journal…
call a friend.
My go-to solution is my old standby,
stupid computer games,
but obviously there are  dozens of ways to detach.
I will use a different one next time
I’m confronted with my need to detach
and absorb the current lesson in detachment!

Image Copyright : Mehmet Dilsiz

Coming Home

 

I went trembling into a house in Brooklyn filled with strangers . . . and I found I had come home at last, to my own kind. There is another meaning for the Hebrew word that in the King James version of the Bible is translated “salvation.” It is: “to come home.” I had found my salvation. I wasn’t alone any more. ~ “Women Suffer Too”, by Margaret “Marty” M. of New York City And Connecticut, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. 1st and 2nd Editions, Kindle Edition.

The website AncientHebrew.org agrees,
“The word ישועה (yeshu’ah, Strong’s #3444)
is a noun derived from the verbal root ישע
(Y.Sh.Ah, Strong’s #3467)
which means “relief” in the sense of
being rescued from an enemy,
trouble or illness. The King James Version
translates this word as help, deliverance,
health and welfare, but most frequently
as salvation.”
Do the concepts involved in faith words
such as salvation, God, Lord, and surrender
stand in your way in finding an acceptable
Power greater than you to whom you’re
willing to turn your life and your will over?
If you need to approach this power
analytically, feel free to!  (even if,
like the young man I met early in recovery
whose Higher Power was “Howard”
as in Howard be your name.
Don’t let your need to analyze
keep you from finding
the treasure-trove of Recovery!

The Wellspring of Recovery

 The word wellspring from Old English

welspryng, means living spring, fountainhead.
The wellspring of Twelve Step Recovery
lay close to that of the word.
Frank Buchman, from the United States,
discovered the Oxford Group,
which as The Holy Club, was earlier
a wellspring of Methodism,
Buchman called his First Century Christian Fellowship
and stressed Four Absolutes:
honesty, purity, unselfishness, and love.
Members attended regular meetings,
and stressed personal transformation
that appeared to work for individuals
who needed to heal their alcoholism.
Bill W and Dr. Bob were familiar with
the mutual support of one another
of the Oxford Group’s Four Absolutes
which helped them both,
and the two began to help each other and
adopt the wellspring of 12-Step Recovery.

Image  Copyright : Stanislav Komogorov  

Needing Your Hand

 The day is smooth,
Recovery moves forward.
But days of hard choices,
physical/emotional/decisional overload
day after day
giving way to exhaustion.
Recovery hangs by a tenuous thread.
Quivering I reach out to you
determined to cling until the tottering stills.
Grateful for your upholding my fecklessness.

Image Copyright : joseelias

 

 

(Written long ago to a specific prompt… I’m tired tonight but not feeling these feelings!)

Why does she chose to hang on in a life
tied to a self-absorbed dominant god?
Why should she feel obligated to wife
when glacial silence drifts ever unthawed?

As frostbitten psyche grows putrid and dies
she shudders and hunkers to hold back what’s left.
The longing, the hope, the need etched in her eyes
dislodges her soul, strands a body bereft.

Yet ages and years day by day flicker by
as her specter attends to his fancy and whim.
A shadow perhaps but a soul to defy
his abuse and hold hope be it ever so dim.

Image Copyright : annebel146