Trying Love

My truth can't be running but can't be overbearing. I want to try love. How he needs it. Not attachment how I need it. ~ Patricia M

What is love in an intimate relationship?
Not in those in the giddy stage, new OR old...
no, the question then is silly, superfluous,
redundant. But what is love after decades,
some of them chafing the ties that bind,
staying in matches that have survived
smoldering tension, friction, corrosion?
What is love that has endured
duplicity, playing with rules, bruised,
damaged, defaced, mutilated alliances?
When the urge is to bolt, to quit,
to wallow in remorse,
how do you mend scraps and rags?
If your way of living is rescuing,
enabling, clinging, how do you rediscover
the ability to love one another
especially if the other is a loved one?

Changing

Changing may actually require that I MAKE some changes! ~ Susan Y

We come to the rooms of Recovery.
see people living lives of sanity
while telling stories proving
they were...are...as sick as we are.
Enough proof we can see
they have the lives we want,
what we're looking for.
We begin to read, to listen,
to wish, to hope we can find
what we see in them.
We can try for weeks, for months,
sometimes for years
until finally we hear, we absorb.
the truth we need.
Yes. we want to be changed.
But the path to get there is to change...
to change our thoughts,
our habits, our emotions,
our lives. And understanding happens.
For things, for our lives to change
we ourselves actually have to change
even if only becoming willing to be willing
to CHANGE!

Today's Concerns

When I look back on all these worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened. ~ Winston Churchill

Jesus said, “So don’t worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will bring its own worries.
Today’s trouble is enough for today."
Twelve Step programs direct us to take it
one day at a time. The Big Book
suggests we pray for strength to do the right thing,
and from that we come to seek to know
the next right thing. When we get ahead of ourselves
we find that we, too, have a lot of trouble in this life,
most of which never happened.

The Things I Cannot Change

The only time that I can ever change somebody else is when I change a diaper. ~  Janice S

We are powerless over food
and our lives have become unmanageable...
but everybody else's?
Surely we're competent enough
if not to manage them ourselves
at least to tell them how it's done.
But no, the further we go
in understanding this Recovery stuff
we better we come to understand
once a toddler gets pull-up training pants
and conquers them
we've lost our chance to actually change
another person!

Credited as Righteousness

So also Abraham “believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.” (NIV)

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We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 1207-1208).

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Credit, debit,
it's a spectrum,
a swinging door,
a teeter-totter.
It's more fun to be the have
than the have not,
to be able to give
than to need to take.
But what if the chips
are not symbols of money
but are blessings
life righteousness,
like love,
like understanding?
It's more fun to be the have,
then as well
especially
for we lose none
of the blessings we share.

 

God, thank you for flowing blessings.
Give me the wisdom to pass them no
and see them expand to us all.

God Recalls the Future

Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account. ~ Ecclesiastes 3:15 (NIV)

What will be has been before,
and our God remembers it.
God recalls the future
like we remember
the past.
He’s got the whole world in his hands.
God has the universe
and the time/space continuum
in his hands.
What? Should I worry? Me?

God, give us the power to trust
like a baby grinning up
at the
outstretched arms
of a loving parent.
Amen. So be it.

Rollins, Barbara B.. A Time for Verse -
Poetic Ponderings on Ecclesiastes
(Kindle Locations 259-268).
Eagle Wings Press imprint
of Silver Boomer Books. Kindle Edition.

Two-Handed

God has given us two hands, one to receive with and the other to give with. ~ Billy Graham

We are social beings, never meant to go alone.
We have our Higher Power always with us
but need other people as well.
While we need their help, a hand extended,
we need just as much the opportunity to serve,
to extend our own hand to offer help,
to pass on that which has freely been given to us.

Pay to the Order of You

 5. Anything that you can imagine is yours to be or do or have. As you ask yourself why you want it, the essence of your desire is activated, and the Universe begins to bring it to you. The more intense your positive feelings, the faster it is coming to you. ~ A Synopsis of Abraham-Hicks' Teachings 

What do you want?
If you could choose
would it be money (wealth),
health, freedom from addiction,
a home, an education,
a family...or one you'd prefer,
sanity, serenity, joy, love,
talent, a job, fame, power,
peace?
What would the negotiable instrument look like?
Who would sign it?
How does it happen?
Is it from your Higher Power?
A rich uncle? The public?
Is it really what you wamt
or what you think you should desire?
If you think it and it is good
the thought brings it into existence.
Go ahead. The gift is yours.

The Epitome of O.A.

If Overeaters Anonymous were defined

in the dictionary, the picture would be of Vesta.

The first to arrive for each meeting,

we order tokens for her each year

because nobody else has abstinence

as long as hers. She's held office

from Intergroup rep through Region

and World Service levels,

speaker at workshops and conventions

around the world, the epitome of OA.

She retired two years ago,

lost her husband and a daughter

soon after, began skipping meetings

and when we called had no time to talk.

When I saw her downtown,

she was several sizes larger

and hurried away as though she hadn't seen me.

She's here today, at a meeting

and took a chip we had,

one to re-establish.

Steering the Car

Planning a trip can take many forms.
It can be a broad general concept
to be adapted as the mood may strike
or the plans can be complete at the first
and obsessively detailed.
And the trip to sobriety, to restoration of sanity
can be either as well.
For Recovery a loose idea of a plan is preferred
since a precept is that we don't run the show.
But we have a map
(literature) and guides (sponsors)
and the basic route in the Steps.
There's no one way to do it,
as we depend on daily direction
from the Power in charge.
One rule exists, though.
Surrender your anger, your resentments,
your self-righteousness from the start.
Remember one hard-and-fast rule:
You can't steer the car with the horn!

To Tell the Truth

 A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth, to say no. That's where toughness comes into play. Toughness is not being a bully. It's having backbone. ~ Robert Kiyosaki

How can I say no to a good cause,
to a person who believes I owe them,
a person I've established long history
of rescuing, of placating, of serving...
no matter how harmful my "service"
in truth may be?
For years I've complied done each "ought"
but I'm learning I ought not do the oughts,
not if the doing serves no real purpose.
To tell the truth I forgot years ago
what my truth actually was.
I want your favorable opinion
more than my own.
But I'm brave enough now
to tell the truth, even if it's to me.
When the next right thing is to answer, "No,"
I will tell that truth.

A Place for God

Not everyone needs or wants to know that I’m saving a place for God, and that’s just fine. ~ B., Misti. If You Leave Me, Can I Come with You?: Daily Meditations for Codependents and Al-Anons . . . with a Sense of Humor (Kindle Locations 1088-1089). Hazelden Publishing.

It's talking aloud to God when to all around
I appear to be talking to myself.
Once leaving the courthouse
I suddenly saw someone staring at me
as though my mental health needed
the attention of a judge in the building
I surely must have escaped.
I still could feel conspicuous in public
but since I found Overeaters Anontmous
more than eleven years ago
I announce it freely, occasionally
to a gathering of O.A.'s from several states
and countries, speaking of that Sunday morning
when I bought sugary treats on my way to church,
getting in the car and telling God, "This is stupid!"
I tell them because that was the moment
I joined O.A., nobody around but God and me,
And God used that admission and chagrin
to lead me to surrender myself to His Power.
Yes, God's with me whether anybody else hears
the conversation, and I intend forever more
to save a place for God.

Why Love?

Infantile love follows the principle: I love because I am loved. Mature love follows the principle: I am loved because I love. ~ Erich Fromm

Once we believed it was all about us,
either that we needed to run the world,
that we were on everyone's mind,
that everyone hated us and opposed us...
or all of the above. Then we found Recovery
and discovered definitively
that it WAS all about us...that our anger
for cruelties long past resulted
not from some mistreatment
we "recalled" and resented for years
but that we played a part...usually the major one
in setting up the situation causing our own grievance.
We learned others didn't make us angry
or sad or lonely or enraged...that only we could do it.
We learned that others could not make us happy
by treating us kindly but that as we treated them with love
as we wished to be treated we received love
in giving it away.

I Love You

How would you write the words “I love you” to someone you love, using twenty-five words or less and without using the words “I love you”? ~ Dean, Amy E. Morning Light: A Book of Meditations to Begin Your Day (Kindle Locations 609-611). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Longevity, understanding, comfort through years.
Rough seas calmed, expectations coalesced.
Your concern chafes at times
but in watershed times undergirds.
Death cannot severe two united.

What Do Sponsors Do?

What do you do if I ask you to sponsor me?
    Do you know what a sherpa is?
I guess, kind of.
    Well, I'd be a little like a sherpa.
You mean a Himalayan who lives
on the borders of Nepal and Tibet,
renowned for their skill in mountaineering?
   Yes. I'm like a sherpa.
    We're climbing this mountain and I know this trail.
    I'm not the boss, will not dictate.
    But I'll point out issues, rough spots.
    make suggestions, and I'll stay as long as you
    feel like my suggestions are helpful
    and we can share the trail.

Holy Is Your Name

That first covenant between God and Israel had regulations for worship and a place of worship here on earth. There were two rooms in that Tabernacle. In the first room were a lampstand, a table, and sacred loaves of bread on the table. This room was called the Holy Place. Then there was a curtain, and behind the curtain was the second room called the Most Holy Place. ~ Hebrews 9:1-3 (NLT)

Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 87

What a holy place
these rooms seem,
as we enter to find ourselves
at home
where we’ve never been before.
Wondrous, love incarnate,
understanding, soul mates.
How holy do these rooms feel, 
spiced with years
of  memories,
recovery
glowing with a fine 
patina.
These holy rooms
grow more holy
as more is revealed.
Holy, holy, holy,
holy is your name. 

Thank you for sharing your
name with your children.

Rollins, Barbara. A Cloud of Witnesses -
Two Big Books and Us
(Kindle Locations 1221-1239).
Eagle Wings Press imprint
of Silver Boomer Books.
Kindle Edition.

One at a Time

I am a slow walker, but I never walk back. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Recovery can be a sudden change or
a sudden spiritual or a gradual spiritual awakening.
Appendix II states "...it is true
that our first printing gave many readers
the impression that these personality changes,
or religious experiences, must be
in the nature of sudden and spectacular upheavals."
But "Most of our experiences
are what psychologist William James
calls the 'educational variety'
because they develop slowly over a period of time."
Once you begin the road to Recovery
even with setbacks, you move forward
toward your goal. Keep walking forward,
never backward and a marvelous change appears.
But you'll be pleased when you reach Serenity
that you never walked back!

Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 –
April 15, 1865)

Self-Awareness

We have liabilities, all of us, and it’s generally easier to see them than our assets. Self-awareness is recognizing both. ~ Casey, Karen. Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women (Kindle Locations 317-318). Hazelden Publishing.

My liabilities...failure to remember names,
not only those met once or long ago
but worse, people I know well
or at least work with, see often,
am embarrassed not to have the tag
on the tip of my tongue.
Asked once for family history facts,
amazed my sister assured the woman
that was my area, not hers
then enthusiastically agreed
she knew the live ones, I, the dead!
Another liability, though good at math,
arithmetic, amounts of currency
proves a proclivity to unconditional surrender.
It's long been a joke at events I attend
for someone to declare when I walk in the door,
"She's here, so we're all here, let's begin!"
We won't discuss my spelling and getting dates wrong.
My assets require more thought, except intelligence.
Too many tests through too many years
defy contradiction. But to bolster the catalog
of assets requires sorting through. evaluating.
We have liabilities, all of us,
and it’s generally easier to see them
than our assets.
Self-awareness is recognizing both.

Because It's Right!

“We do right because it’s right.” ~ B., Misti. If You Leave Me, Can I Come with You?: Daily Meditations for Codependents and Al-Anons . . . with a Sense of Humor (Kindle Location 994). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

What is the right thing to do?
What you said you would do
unless you were pressured
or intimidated into saying so.
What you have considered quietly,
calmly, talking with wise people,
seeking guidance from the God
of your understanding.
What the law requires,
What is the commitment,
the responsibility you accepted
with due consideration.
What do you do when you have found
the right thing to do?
You do it, because it's right,
because it's just,
because you have found...
after due consideration...
it to be the right thing to do
and because it feels right.

Heaven on Earth

Here is the main point: We have a High Priest who sat down in the place of honor beside the throne of the majestic God in heaven. There he ministers in the heavenly Tabernacle, the true place of worship that was built by the Lord and not by human hands. ~Hebrews 8:1-2 (NLT)

The wars which had been fought, the burnings and chicanery that religious dispute had facilitated, made me sick. I honestly doubted whether, on balance, the religions of mankind had done any good. Judging from what I had seen in Europe and since, the power of God in human affairs was negligible, the Brotherhood of Man a grim jest. If there was a Devil, he seemed the Boss Universal, and he certainly had me. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 11

Heaven – high above,
distant, apart, away.
The antithesis of Earth, 
Nothing in common with wars,
burnings, chicanery.
Negligible connections.
Heaven – nothing to do
with life on Earth —
except everything!
What love, what grace
pulls even a thought
from perfection to chicanery,
to squalor, to me?

Amazing grace,
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me!

Rollins, Barbara. A Cloud of Witnesses -
Two Big Books and Us
(Kindle Locations 1113-1129).
Eagle Wings Press imprint of
Silver Boomer Books. Kindle Edition.

Never!

We never recover from being human. ~ Janice S

 After a thousand or so miracles happen
and we have come to expect more.
sometimes it's necessary to recall
that while we're changed tremendously,
we still are human and some things
are beyond our reach. I'll never fly,
levitating then floating through air
as I could in my preschool years.
I'll never have it revealed I'm a princess,
daughter of Queen Elizabeth...
We never recover from being human.
But greater things can and will occur
if I live the Steps each day that comes.
I really can reach a healthy body weight
and once there, stay there the rest of my life.
I really can respect myself...even love me...
through thick and thin, joy and sadness
and still have everything I need,
peace, serenity, and love, though it still is true,
We never recover from being human!

I Stand Amazed in the Presence

I will let God know that I seek just to dwell in His presence, to be near Him, not so much for teaching or a message, as just for Him. ~ Anonymous. Twenty Four Hours A Day: Meditations (p. 23). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

How marvelous, how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
How marvelous, how wonderful
is my Savior’s love for me!
God, I hear you tell me,
"Slow down, listen,
be still and know I'm God,
I hear, I care."
But I have a roll...to listen,
to be available, to set aside the trivial.
I want a heart that waits for You,
to know You're here, to hear.
I know You are love,
and my heart longs for Love.
You'll more than do.
Can it really be that all I want,
all I've ever wanted,
that accepting you, the Heart,
the Love, is me becoming whole?

Feeling like a Hug

She kneeled in prayer
feeling the underdog,
cringing at the day just past
and began to lambast God
for her feeling tense,
her song, the blues.
She'd had her say
but somehow stayed,
taking time to feel tension wane,
to recall words long forgotten,
"But they who wait for the Lord
shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."
Tears fell as warmth surrounded her
feeling like a hug.

Mother's Influence

I didn't fit the mold.
Sewed too carelessly,
failing to conform.
Dishes I had dried
sweated still.
Sitting like a lady
seemed physically impossible.
Grades good enough for me
failed to meet her standards.
She encouraged diets
but the pounds piled on.
I wore out slacks and shoes
in nonconformist ways.
Spelling challenged me
and neatness in writing
was unattainable.
I was a challenge for Mother
but the nurturing I retained and conquered
became adequate for life.

Stranger in My Mind

As I take the Twelve Steps
a group of sober drunks
came up with eight decades ago,
simple steps, easy to remember
but far from easy to live...
As I take the Twelve Steps
again and again, coming nearer,
and nearer still, to living the concept
that a Power greater than I
can, could, might actually
restore me to sanity,
I find someone I didn't know
my first six decades. 
I find understandings,
ideas, peace inside of me,
actually me without Recovery
and study her, learn of her,
surprised to know this stranger
in my mind.  

The Children Within

 We come in adult bodies,
all ages, sizes, descriptions.
We come with unmanageable lives,
tied to substances that comfort us.
We stay as both the adult who came,
better able to cope, but also
as the children within, learning
to live with the pain and to repair
what we had done to others,
learning to live as responsible adults
who find we can love the child within.

Why Do I Break my Abstinence?

Let me count the ways...

1. I remember the taste and the feeling
   like I deserve it, like a pat on the back.
2. I have extra time before interacting with others
   and want to put off social ineptness as long as possible.
3. Everybody else is doing it, I don’t want to be different.
4. In the process of eating I forget my concerns,
   my discomfort, my inability to fit in.
5. I’ve been good, it won’t hurt.
6. It brought comfort so long...maybe it will again.
7. Just one won't hurt...but ?I've never stopped at one, though.
8. They gave this party in my honor...it would be rude not to.
9. The normal eater I live with brought it home
   but doesn't want it now. It's a waste to toss it.
10. Why do I break my abstinence? I don't have a clue.

Abstinence is a state of grace by which I am balanced physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s about food, but it’s much more. It’s a way of living that incorporates the principles of the Twelve Steps and gives meaning to my life. ~ Abstinence, Second Edition: Members of Overeaters Anonymous Share Their Experience, Strength and Hope (Kindle Locations 296-297). Overeaters Anonymous. Kindle Edition.

Stumbling on Recovery

Keep on keeping on...
my plan of action.
I have Recovery,
know the answer,
but too often slip and slide.
But I know the destination,
have maps and guides
in literature, meetings,
the tools. So I'll forge on
toward the prize
until I stumble into it.