The Elephant in the Room

You visit with your friend
sick at heart he's gotten even larger
since you saw him a few months back.
You want to say something, tell him
you found your answer, lost that kind
of obesity, know the way and want to share it
but you don't. You've been there,
heard family, close friends, strangers
tell you what you need. You've felt that,
desperation, hopelessness, massive embarrassment,
and don't want to make him feel that way,
so you wait, hoping for someone to Twelfth Step him
and you sit there and sit, ignoring the elephant
in the room, the one now, and the one you used to be.

 

Claim the Calm

H.A.L.T. stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired.
It's a dangerous state for a person in recovery.
In fact, each of the four is a dangerous state.
But there's a remedy without eating, yelling, crying
or sleeping...or falling into old patterns
that got you to the rooms. Instead, halt.
Find your calm. Be at peace.
Say the Serenity Prayer, not once but as a chant.
Take a walk, a long bath, meet your real needs.
But claim your calm.

Could Have Beens

Here's to the call I didn't hear
The signs I didn't heed
The roads I didn't take
The maps that I just couldn't read ~ Walt Wilkins

Regrets. We have them, or do they have us?
We rethink our past, our choices, our disappointments
and obsess over them.
Foreboding. Apprehensions. We have them
or do they have us? We borrow tomorrow's outcomes,
max out the panic before there's anything there.
"Don't worry about the past...you can't change it.
Don't worry about the future...you can't predict it.
Don't worry about the present...
I didn't get you one."
We do have today, and a present it is.
Rejoice and be glad.

Pick Your Comfort

I used to feel my fear as a black warm hole. -- L.B.B.

Feeling fear as a warm black hole...
It had its benefits. It's warm which is good
unless the warmth is affect to a blistering day.
It's dark, so nobody sees us,
And living in fear, that's what we want.
It's a hole and the likelihood of being found
is minuscule, leaving us safe, protected.
But it's lonely, the  company's miserable,
conversations limited to regrets and guilt.
Many of us, most of us chose it, though,
But to stay there after we learned of comfort elsewhere
has no appeal. Not we'll choose our comfort
with a warm presence, a guidance
we've come to select, on whom we rely.
Or we gather with like-minded folk
who know their own warm black hole
but choose to live in fellowship
where joy abounds and hour prevails.

Victa

Into the day that reveals me,

   White as the lamp from every side
I blame the Powers that I imagine
   For the defeat that claims my very being. 

In the caring  arms of the whole plan 

      I have winced and cried aloud. 

Amid the triumphs of destiny 

      My head is dizzy and bowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

      Looms a life I cannot control, 

And my attempts through the years 

      Find me inadequate and full of doubt.

It greatly matters how wide the opening, 

      How detailed the responsibilities the path, 

I need not change my circumstance, 

      A Higher Power controls my will, my life. 

You're Not Illegal

Guilt does weird things
like convincing you what you did
just had to be a crime. Of course,
you might have committed one...
but what you did could not have
created the offense. Governments

alone make laws. And if your act
was illegal, there are procedures for that
and you quell your guilt by addressing it,
owning it, accepting the consequences.
And if it's not a crime, address the guilt,
accept it. make amends, find your peace
but you are not illegal.

Who's Afraid of Fear?

I don't ever want to NOT be afraid.
There's no need not to be afraid.
Luke Skywalker said he wasn't afraid.
Yoda said, "You will be!"
Fear can keep you safe.
Gather up your fear
and take it to what you need to confront.
Love your fear. Use it to refrain
from compulsive habits.
Master fear.
Let it make you stronger than you were before.
What do you have to fear?
Dare to step through the door to promises fulfilled.

Dare to step through the door to promises fulfilled.

?

Three Plans of Eating

OA says one of the tools
is a Plan of Eating.
I find it necessary
to have three.
Under normal circumstances
I choose no sugary foods,
limited flour, preferably dark,
virtually no chips or fried food,
using an online program
to stay between 1200 and
1600 calories, breakfast
virtually the same daily.
When traveling airlines
and stops control, days can last
and last and last. Those days
I choose wisely and do the best
I can. The third food plan?
What I eat with others
in the fellowship works fine,
the only stipulation being
eating the same meal with
different people is verboten!

 

Who I Want to Be

My sisters would say, "When he gets here everything seems to be all right." And I decided I wanted to be that kind of person, one who brings peace with me. ~ Wanda S

The risen Christ said, “Peace be with you.”
Paul began letters with " I greet you
with the grace and peace
poured into our lives
by God our Father
and our Master, Jesus Christ."
Congregations Pass the Peace.
Campers sign,
"When I learn to live serenely
Cares will cease.
From the hills I gather courage,
Visions of the days to be."
We need peace. We know people
who live peace, who are peace.
Pray with me, "Lord, make me
an instrument of your peace..."

Living in Recovery

My sponsor says she had found it unnecessary to do anything different than the first day she walked into this program...she does everything everybody suggests she do. ~ Jhe T

We don't recover by shoulds.
We have no set of rules.
The only requirement is clear:
The only requirement for OA membership
is a desire to stop eating compulsively.Choose your own food plan.
Find the Higher Power
of your own understanding,
write the job description.
The Steps aren't commands.
They're introduced as, "Here are the steps we took,
which are suggested as a program of recovery."
So, how do we know what to do?
We go to meetings, we talk to recovery people
and we accept that our Higher Power
uses others to communicate.
We listen to what works for others,
and we try it ourselves.
And we recover!

Hearing the Yets

But instead of seeing the truth when all of the “yets” (as in, that hasn’t happened to me— yet) started happening, I just kept lowering my standards. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 3956-3957).

Denial. Living in the insanity.
Always, always someone is around
who lives deeper in the insanity than you.
And if you live with that person,
how much easier the denial comes.
I'm not so bad as he is. She's larger than I am.
I'm not there yet. And as I inch up on the worst,
I lower my standards, find others still worse
and refuse to hear the yets!
Until someone breaks through,
denies me the blindfold, shows me the yets I've passed.
and loves me past denial and into bliss.

Trying to Be Good

Knowing that I could become the person I pretended to be filled me with peace. I no longer have to try to be "good." God does it for me. ~ Voices of Recovery, page 175

Doesn't everyone pretend to be?
Maybe not. I guess there have to be people
who reach the age of reason lacking
the compulsion to claim blame
for all possible wrongs!
I wasn't one, but I have
this remedial class called recovery.
And now I live in peace and joy!

What Do I See?

"There's something Cezanne said that I think about a lot, something like, 'I know what I am looking at, but what am I seeing?' That's what reviewing feels like to me. It's very much to 're-view,' to see again, to try to see farther and see deeper." -- Parul Sehgal

That's what happens in a Fourth Step.
Familiar stuff...you wrote it yourself,
it's tattooed on your memory.
Still, you can honestly say, "I know
what I'm looking at, but what am I seeing?"
My anger places the blame, clearcut,
beyond question. I'm the victim here,
I know how wronged I am.
Now, though, I'm to look at my part?
At how I started out all,
why it happened to me.
And suddenly I see, I view again.
And when I review, my innocence
shrinks dramatically.

Our Warped Minds

It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us...But upon entering A.A. we soon take quite another view of this absolute humiliation. We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength. ~The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 21

Jesus said, “Truly I tell you,
unless you change
and become like little children,
you will never enter the kingdom
of heaven. Therefore,
whoever takes the lowly position
of this child is the greatest
in the kingdom of heaven."
We knew it all when we got here...
or at least the last time we fogged out
on our drug of choice. Nobody,
but NOBODY could teach us,
tell us, enlighten us, educate us.
But when we reached the Rooms
and learned we were helpless,
powerless, unable to function
absent a Higher Power,
we really did come as little children
taking our first tottering steps
into Serenity and Joy!

I Made This for You

A plan of eating?
Surely not on Christmas!
But it's your birthday!
I made it just for you,
I know it's your favorite!
But it's vacation!
You've got to eat some,
if you don't I'll feel guilty.

Thanks for the thought.

I love you and thank you.
But if I'm going to respect myself,
I have to turn it down.

Taking a Meeting

To take a meeting snuck into the language
under my radar, but the web implies
an origin with "Hollywood types."
I believe perhaps it fits better with Recovery types.
A meeting is a necessary tool for recovery,
best with other real people perhaps
but effective with telephone or online meetings.
Overeaters Anonymous  has a monthly periodical
Lifeline called "A MEETING ON THE GO"
and that's a wise meeting to take.
After all, "Meeting makers make it,"
and "People who don't go to meetings
don't hear what happens to
people who don't go to meetings!"

Out Family of Choice

We're not a family legally.
We have mothers, fathers,
brothers, sisters, spouses,
children, cousins and such.
A family of origin, a nuclear family,
am extended family...they're important
but sometimes issues there
have caused pain...through abuse,
bad habits, pressure to conform
they may not be the most comfortable
companions.

The other family, our family of choice,
we choose because we share common lives,
the same obsessions, a community of Recovery,
the same problems and solutions.
We love both families, but feel more comfort
with the second.

About Yesterday

Karen, strange to see you here
at the library. I found the meeting
yesterday interesting. I had no idea
you'd ever been overweight. All these years
we've been friends and you were going
to those secret meetings. You seem so in,
so popular, so together. Believe me,
I won't ever say anything to make you
remember the secret!

Sandy, don't be silly. It's something
I'm proud of. My whole life has changed
these years I've been a member

of Overeaters Anonymous.

 

I can't believe you said that here!
Don't you believe the anonymous part?

 

Of course I do. You know I'm a member
and when I qualified yesterday,
offered to sponsor, you know I said
I've been going and abstinent
more than ten years. To be honest
I was embarrassed when you came

that I hadn't told you before,
hadn't invited you to come.

 

You couldn't, could you? Have told the secret?

 

Of course, I could. I can tell anybody
unless it would end up in the media...
even social media...that I was a member.

 

You mean you're not embarrassed
I found out? I thought you'd be mortified.

Of course not. I'm glad you found us
despite my failure to speak to you about it.

Whew! I'm glad. Could you explain, then,
what a sponsor does? Why would I need one?

If you have time to talk, let's sit down and visit! 

 

Doubtless You Doubt

Doubtless you are curious to discover how and why, in the face of expert opinion to the contrary, we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 541-542).

How could it have happened?
A hopeless drunk, recently homeless,
sober for months, employed,
a community leader. How?
Confined to bed, not by injury,
debilitating diagnosis, but by body mass,
hundreds of pounds on a frame
incapable of holding her.
Hopeless, both of them.
They have illnesses they must convince others
are actually diseases. Hopeless, yet curable.
And the cure comes encased in Twelve simple steps.
No human can cure these two, but...
There Is a Solution wrapped in a Power Greater than we are.

All of Me, Good and Bad

I was to analyze my character defects
before tomorrow. And to write a poem.
So, two birds, one stone.
Procrastination, failure to take action,
that's a biggy! Frequent anger.
at me as much as toward anyone else.
Overly anxious...can I claim that
and apathetic as well?
Overly apologetic. Daddy told me
sixty years ago, "don't be sorry, don't do it!"
Arrogance, not so much these days, yet remnants.
Avoiding confrontation? That's not fair,
it's self-interest. But living a lie, as well.
Beating myself up? I'm sorry. I really am
or believe I am.
Boastful. Even if it's incongruous with self-flagellation.
Codependent, guilty as charged!
Avoiding communication (read smalltalk.)
Complaining. Including this list?
Cowardice. Present!
Dishonesty, every kind of it:
Direct lies: Not telling the truth.
Lies of Omission: What did I need to say
to this person so they knew how I honestly felt?
Was I wrongfully silent?
Lies to Self: Telling me I’m not good enough.
I’m stupid. I’m not smart enough. I’m unworthy.
Disorganized, yep, like this poem.
Envious, Fearful,
Gluttony, it's my nature.
Not asking for help. Oh, yeah!
Impatience. Insecure in my own skin
Irresponsible. Don't ask!!
Messy. And blaming it on someone else!
Pessimism
Physical health, neglect of.
Playing God -- sigh!
Procrastination
Remorseful
Secretive (Don't tell anybody!)
Self Pity
Self-absorbed
Sloth
Ungrateful, unable to do a gratitude list.
Worry. Did I do this right?
“My Creator, I am now willing
that you should have all of me,
good and bad.
I pray that you now remove from me
every single defect of character
which stands in the way of my usefulness
to you and my fellows.
Grant me strength,
as I go out from here,
to do your bidding. Amen.”

A Compulsive Overeater Powerless to Stop

I've eaten all my life, hungry or not.

Food is more than nourishment of body
but a comfort when afraid, a solace
for insults suffered, a way to rejoice,
a remedy to placate guilt when I act
without thinking through and hurt someone else.

I am a compulsive eater and powerless to stop.

 

Surely my willpower is as strong as all around.
Others see the issue and give advice

that surely I can follow if all those others can.
Sometimes it works and I conquer the urges
but as soon as weight is lost and I relax
eating with a vengeance starts anew, but more...
more food, more weight, more powerless than was,
up and down, more determined, more depraved, worse.

I am a compulsive eater and powerless to stop.

 

Others tell my story, claim it as their own,
tell of working Twelve Steps, how they learned
it is a disease, that they and I really can't do this
but there's a Power that can, that works for them
erasing urges, setting aside resentment, surrendering.
Glory be, it works for me a day at a time holding strong although

I am a compulsive eater and powerless to stop.

 

Our Family of Choice

We're not a family legally.
We have mothers, fathers,
brothers, sisters, spouses,
children, cousins and such.
A family of origin, a nuclear family,
am extended family...they're important
but sometimes issues there
have caused pain...through abuse,
bad habits, pressure to conform
they may not be the most comfortable
companions.

 

The other family, our family of choice,
we choose because we share common lives,
the same obsessions, a community of Recovery,
the same problems and solutions.
We love both families, but sometimes feel more comfort
with the second.

 

A Compulsive Overeater Powerless ti Stop

I've eaten all my life, hungry or not.

Food is more than nourishment of body
but a comfort when afraid, a solace
for insults suffered, a way to rejoice,
a remedy to placate guilt when I act
without thinking through and hurt someone else.

I am a compulsive eater and powerless to stop.

 

Surely my willpower is as strong as all around.
Others see the issue and give advice

that surely I can follow if all those others can.
Sometimes it works and I conquer the urges
but as soon as weight is lost and I relax
eating with a vengeance starts anew, but more...
more food, more weight, more powerless than was,
up and down, more determined, more depraved, worse.

I am a compulsive eater and powerless to stop.

 

Others tell my story, claim it as their own,
tell of working Twelve Steps, how they learned
it is a disease, that they and I really can't do this
but there's a Power that can, that works for them
erasing urges, setting aside resentment, surrendering.
Glory be, it works for me a day at a time holding strong although

I am a compulsive eater and powerless to stop.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

It's called the Big Book, classic aid
for all who look to substitutes to guide
their lives, as food or drink betray
their user's hopeless flailing far and wide.
The truth resides in simple Steps set out
in eight score and four pages filled with hope
transforming lives and freeing folk from doubt
while gifting souls with ways to climb the slope.
The secret is we're sick, an allergy
takes hold, and draws us back against our will
despite the best-laid plans and strategies
resources fail until we try God's Will.
I can't, God can, I'll let Him lead the way
to lives that count and fill me day by day.

We Are Not a Glum Lot

The diet mentality made us all glum,

defensive, angry. That's what many of us expected

here in the rooms of recovery.

Imagine someone...a lot of someones

learning what you did to hide your eating,

to keep people from knowing

you bought a dozen sweetrolls

"for the office" then drove a longer way

so you could eat them all instead,

stopping by a park to dump the wrappings before getting there.

You'd want to bury yourself first, yes?

But we would not, we in Recovery.

We'd tell the tail and when the others laughed,

we would join in, for everyone else knows,
has been there, too!
No, we are nota glum lot!

Haunted House or Treasure Hunt?

Step Four.   Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Fear often predominates as we begin Step Four.
After all, we'e searching for Resentments,
hurts we've nourished for decades, our part
in starting lifelong feuds. Fear has a place.
But as we continue to work the Steps,
as we begin again to set on paper
a searching and fearless
moral inventory of ourselves, after time
the search for these same character defects
to reveal themselves brings not fear
as it did at first but, in light of earlier trips
through Steps Four through Nine,
we recall results, dread missing,
and promises fulfilled before
we're halfway through, and anticipate
treasures to be found.

Selfishness!

Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 1019-1022).

I'm trying to run the whole show!!
I just read the passage on pages 61-62
of the Big Book with first person pronouns!
How telling it is!! I don't delegate.
I feel like I've got to do it all, that nobody else
can take care of it. Need a volunteer?
Choose me, pick me! I'll explain your part to you.
Who needs a god while you have me?
Selfishness — self-centeredness!
That, I now understand, is the root
of our -- at least my -- troubles.
Driven by a hundred forms of fear,
self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity
I plod ahead, shoving aside all, even God.
I'd rather do it myself, by nature.
God, teach me to turn it over to you!

Running Away

I never ran away. My sister Carol

and I would take mystery walks,

tossing a coin at street corners,

heads for left, tails right...

until we were getting tired

and tossed until we'd get home quicker.

The one time I really left, moved out,

was a free woman...as soon as possible

I went to see sons, daughters-in-law

and a good friend, Abilene, Frisco, Tulsa,

St. Louis, Springfield, Grand Rapids,

roaming about Michigan with and without

adult kids, back by way of St. Louis,

Cape Girardeau, a Mississippi casino, 

Little Rock, Frisco to Abilene.

I'd love to repeat the trip, but I have no

need to run away. I have no need

for a geographical cure, no idea

life somewhere else would 

miraculously be better. I know
wherever I am, there I am,
my issues with me. If I were to run away
it would be somewhere OA is strong,

a meeting available every day,

and I'd have reached my ideal place.

So Transformational

The change in our physical bodies

is obvious when we pass around

the pictures dated before

we found the fellowship.

Not so clearly seen is the prevalence

of smiles on our faces, decrease

of worry wrinkles across foreheads,
the strained relationships at home and work.

Least obvious is the cessation
of roiling digestive systems,
replaced with serenity, peace,
a joie de vivre never known before.

Fitting In

The universal goal,

to fit in, to be normal,

to be what we perceive

to be normal...and try,

try, try to be. But no,

it's not to be for the goal

is illusive, there is no "Normal"

for all see different, and we're

part of all. When we admit

we're chasing dreams,

and surrender to H.P.

we learn to love in peace,

above nobody, below no one,

we finally can fit in.