Pleasure Each Day

Remember your Creator
in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
and the years approach when you will say,
“I find no pleasure in them” —
before the sun and the light
and the moon and the stars grow dark,
and the clouds return after the rain; Ecclesiastes 12:1-2 (NIV)

Youth need not be wasted
on the young.
Nature may lead a child
to myopia
but grandparents,
teachers,
occasionally a parent
wise beyond years, may plant seeds
of prescience, of discernment,
of faith.
Blessed indeed is the beneficiary
of such a bequest.

God, let me remember you now,
even when my youth has passed.
Let me remember you in sunlight and gloom,
in fair weather and foul.
Let me find pleasure in each day, with you.

Barbara B. Rollins A Time for Verse - Poetic Ponderings on Ecclesiastes (Kindle Locations 867-877).

To Do Your Bidding

My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding. Amen ~ 7th Step Prayer

Strength. Strength to do Your bidding.If the give-me-strength part is absent,
I'm volunteering, setting myself up,
doing it without assistance. And I fail.
My will, not yours be done...that's how I act.
But it works better...like, at all...if the prayer
asks the opposite. Your will, not mine, be done.
And that starts with strength, and not the strength
that comes with ego...edging God out.

Snoopy, Can I Be You?

You live in the day,
or rather in the moment,
content with a bowl of food
delivered on time,
or even late, for the delay
is forgotten in the receiving.
You know how to play,
entertaining the birds,
caring for those smaller,
weaker, different than you.
You're content in your head
concocting tales, playing the hero,
needing nothing but minimal props.
Snoopy, can I be you?
Will you teach me contentment,
joy, compassion, and loyalty?

My Outside Enterprise

6. An OA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the OA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. ~ Overeaters Anonymous Tradition 6

I call myself OAStepper
and write under that name.
Of course, I'm writing about OA,
my time in the program,
my recovery, what it means to me.
And I've made many friends,
OA friends, the people most likely
to get something from what I write...
I've done this a long time,
the writing, using the name...
publicly at least for five years.
I'm proud of what I write,
the books, this blog, another two...
Give me a chance and I'll give you a book
but not anywhere, not any time.
In meetings of OA, large and small,
local and worldwide, I'll not mention
this hobby of mine. I'll tell you about OA
any time, any where,
but I've learned from folks who understand
not to tell OA about the writings.
I love OA too well to tell you about how well
I can describe how I love OA.

Burning Bush Need Not Apply

We need no burning bush and ethereal voice to tell us what God wants for us in most of our choices each day. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous

I'm special. Surely God will talk to me
as he has others down through the ages.
The roll call grows lengthy.
Surely I, who gave up sugar,
who sacrifices my donuts,
who goes to meetings at ungodly
(pardon the usage) times
deserve a burning bush.
Sure, sure, I know the Big Book,
how it says, Here we ask God
for inspiration, an intuitive thought
or a decision. We relax and take it easy.
We don’t struggle. We are often surprisedhow the right answers come
after we have tried this for a while.
What used to be the hunch
or the occasional inspiration
gradually becomes a working part of the mind.

Yes, God, I'm special, and when you need to,
you'll send me a burning bush. But not when I want it,
not when I'd show off, not when it would build my pride.
Talk to me. In a still small voice, and lead me.
And let me save the store of miracles you have for me
for your timing.

Constellations

Thousands of years ago
people selected star patterns

and gave them names.
All societies created them,
made up tales, attached them
to stories they already knew,
made them a familiar sight.
Stories vary, names proliferate.
They are there, and we relate
as we choose. Like a Higher Power.
We can create them...by naming,
by describing, by labeling.
We can design our own
then as time passes,
as we come to know
this constellation of ours,
we can learn how similar it is
to others and to others'
and we yield to this constellation,
this Power whatever it is,
to guide our daily walk.

Trusted Servants

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. ~ OA 2nd Tradition

Our leaders are trusted servants.
Election to a position is a gift
of the right to do service,
to use a valuable tool,
a way to obtain and preserve
abstinence.

Our leaders are not selected
on the basis of their proficiency.
Rather, our higher power,
instead of selecting the qualified
qualifies those who are selected.

Our leaders are but trusted servants.
They leave the governing to a Power
who can.

Authority

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. ~ OA 2nd Tradition

Elections come and elections go...
in recovery groups. But meeting after meeting,
month after month, year after year
there may be changes, but the essentials
remain the same. We elect leaders,
and they lead where the group choses to go
through the unique concept of...
agreement. But we're many people,
from around the world,
from both sides of the tracks,
from church and synagogue and mosque and golf course.
How can we agree? It's called group conscience.
It's called the good of the whole over personal preference.
It's seeking to do what's best for the organization
that gave us our lives back, trying to hold together
the entity that can be the salvation of suffering people
everywhere.

Give Up Sainthood

Give up sainthood, renounce wisdom,
and it will be a hundred times better for everyone. ~ The Tao

Perfectionism. Seemingly something to be sought,
to be cherished, to gradually attain, but no!
Perfection can be recognized not by advancement
but by its paralytic properties. It seems like something we want
but the tier concept, the levels of people (determined by us),
destroys the idea of excellence rather than creating it.
We perfectionists seek sainthood, and if we're fortunate
we leave the concept and the movement toward it
as detritus along the the path we choose.

Wisdom. Scholarly, learned, elite, erudite.
A person to be admired, one who ascends to the pentacle
of knowledge, of control, of mastery. What is wisdom
when we claim it but status, separation, a tier above?
Like perfection the urge to attain wisdom
has nothing to do with real wisdom, real excellence.
Instead, we seek recognition, admiration from our peers.
We're slaves to their opinions and to our efforts
to fool them to believing we're as we pretend.

No, Wisdom and sainthood are not to be sought.
Instead, we learn to surrender, to become real,
to grow into what we can be, forgetting our efforts
and what others think of us.

And sainthood? Wisdom? They may come
because we reflect not our efforts
but our essence, the manner in which
we were made.

Remembering

I bought a 70th birthday card...
and didn't send it, a silly card
declaring a desire to not grow older.
She was in the hospital on the birthday.
Forty-nine days later she was gone.
Who but a lawyer would think in terms
of the "third degree of consanguinity
or affinity"... but I remained
with one person within that grouping
older than I, two more among the fourth.

Time passes. Death is not the end.
I recently heard a term I like:
in body. Meaning "living."
But we remain in other ways.
She understood addiction and recovery.
She understood me. And lived
by her principles, avoiding alcohol
no matter what occasion,
how important the people involved
in her life. She knew the meaning of "NO!"
and that other people made their decisions,
she made hers. She knew
what others think of us
is none of our business.
She understood loyalty,
dealing with what you have,
and doing the next right thing.

She lives on. I miss her.
But she's with me
and I'm with her.

Silver Polish

The best way to deal with tarnish is not to let it develop, the easiest way to do that is use it regularly.  Frequent handling dramatically cuts the development of tarnish. ~ Silver Magpies

Why would I use silver?
Sure, it's pretty, and I've had it...
lots of it...for more than forty years.
But who wants to polish it?

Why would I want to spend the time
to really learn to pray, to practice,
to make it a habit, to put it high...
highest?...on my list of things to do?

It's not that big a deal, having the tools
needed to live. Cleaning silver
happens only occasionally
if you use it and don't set it aside
for years at a time, putting it off
when you might put it on the table
because it needs to much work.
Just use it. Regularly. It's not
that big a deal.

We may want rules, but we don't need them.
We know how to pray, to meditate,
to have a closer walk with God.
There are no rules, no rights, no wrongs.
Just do it, an everyday habit,
a comfortable pattern, something of beauty...

Seeking Favor

Why are favor and disgrace alarming?
Seeking favor is degrading:
alarming when it is gotten,
alarming when it is lost. ~ The Tao Verse 13

Seeking favor.
Trying to make someone like me.
Doing favors for favors,
for attention, for admiration,
for warm fuzzies.
Placating him so he'll show
the love I know he has for me,
the love that holds us together
with barbed wire and handcuffs.
And when he gives it, how empty,
how insipid, how anemic it– I – feel.
It's not my business what he thinks of me.
Codependent. A functional relationship
where one person supports or enables
another person's addiction,
poor mental health, immaturity,
irresponsibility, or under-achievement.
To cede that power, to surrender your you,
to bind yourself into servitude
with no more appreciation received
than the garbage truck driver
who damages the hedge.
It's none of my business what he thinks of me.
I need no favor from others.
When it's not given I'm crushed.
When it's received I feel a fraud.
Self-esteem comes from who I am,
from worthiness when I can't own it,
from paying attention to my own wellbeing...
of body, mind, and spirit

Emotional Health

It's a three-legged stool,
recovery is, with mind,
body, and spirit.
So, where do emotions fit?
In the body?
They give you
pain in the back...or chest,
headaches, high blood pressure,
a stiff neck or racing heart...
Emotions affect our body.
In the mind?
You'd think that's where,
because aren't they mental?
The body things don't happen
without the mind's reaction.
In the spirit?
Emotions can prove
we're spiritual...
awe and wonder,
calm, joy, commitment...
But what about foreboding,
terror, bewilderment, rage,
shame, sorrow?
Catharsis brings wellness,
crying heals, walking through storms
can end on a higher level,
greater health, increased completion.
Emotional wellness has three legs, too.

Cheese

When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 897-898)

What is most important?
Myself? My spouse,
children, grandchildren,
relatives, friends?
My job, my service,
my making the world
a better place?
My home, my privacy,
my time apart, sanity,
security, comfort?
My hobbies, obsessions,
knowledge, interests?
My history, my ancestry,
my famous kindred?
My country, my state,
my city, my neighborhood?
The people I can help?
My interests, hobbies,
obsessions, avocation,
what interests me?
My addiction, my comfort source,
my foods, liquor, sex-play,
gambling, travel, shopping...
My will?
Cheese? Apple fritters,
Blizzards, sugar?
The Presence of God
in my life, a personal kinship
with a power great enough
to manage it all?
What's most important
in my life?
How do I change that
to who it should be?

A Yard Is Hard

Inch by inch life's a cinch. Yard by yard life is hard. ~ Fortune cookie

Grandiose plans come naturally,
as my pride demands I prove to you
how marvelous I am. It's not conceit,
oh, no, not that. I stand deficient, though,
and have to fool the world because I cannot
fool myself. But fear comes in to cripple me
so I while away the time, dreaming dreams
and playing games, I plan my eminence.
But still I strive for fame, prestige, my crown...
for outside folks to tell my soul it really has some worth.
It doesn't work, I tried for years, and never could believe
I had a place, I fit the world, I could have friends
and your respect. I've learned that I approached it wrong
and now can live in peace. I wanted great, tremendous,
leaps-and-bounds improvement. But now I simply set aside
my need to prove myself. I surrender to a power that can,
to love for me as me. I ask for guidance, accept advice,
and do the next right thing. And grandeur, love,
success and peace, I find along the way
when I lay aside the grandest plans...
and do the next right thing.

 

The Past

The regrets, shoulds, ought tos
over time accrue and aggregate,
solidify and petrify, expanding,
harden.
And as they accumulate
debris sticking, adhering,
they harden hearts as well.
Minds avoid guilt, shoving it away,
and hurl it toward bit players
on the scene, sighing relief
as it adheres...then etch the scene
on psyches as a resentment replay device
getting comfort from it until the time
we make a fearless moral inventory
and turn over the mechanism
being honest with ourselves, our god
and another human being.

Constellations

Thousands of years ago
people selected star patterns
and gave them names.
All societies created them,
made up tales, attached them
to stories they already knew,
made them a familiar sight.
Stories vary, names proliferate.
They are there, and we relate
as we choose. Like a Higher Power.
We can create them...by naming,
by describing, by labeling.
We can design our own
then as time passes,
as we come to know
this constellation of ours,
we can learn how similar it is
to others and to others'
and we yield to this constellation,
this Power whatever it is,
to guide our daily walk.

 

Promise!

I promise you that when you adjust rule-based thinking to a heart-based attitude, your life will change! ~ Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

You know, I knew what he was talking about,
it's better to live a moral life, to do right
without considering doing wrong,
to never contemplate stealing, assaulting,
destroying somebody's stuff.
But then there are those pesky character defects.
Like lying. I know better. I resolve to do better.
But I'm so good at lying. It's so much easierto say what he wants to hear. I'm not responsible
to tell her all I know, to not mislead him
with artfully crafted statements.
Can I approach lying with a heart-based attitude?
The guilt would appreciate it...
And then there's the food. The list of foods
from which I abstain. When I follow the rules.
The record keeping I do when it's convenient.
The times the plate of cookies just call my name...
And not just food. Using the tools,
reading the literature, living the life.
It's so hard to get around to doing it all just right.
But if I could manage a heart-based attitude...
Isn't that what they've been trying to tell me
these years I've worked at being in Recovery?
Isn't it time I lived it instead of trying?
I promise you that when you adjust
rule-based thinking to a
heart-based attitude,a
your life will change!

Taking the Plunge

A toe in Recovery,

one meeting, a book read,
a discussion. A hint
of what you'll find.

Taking a wade in Recovery,
attending for a while
when it's convenient.
A support group.
People united.

Engulfed in Recovery,
willing to work a program,
listening to a sponsor
and seeking a Higher Power
for guidance, surrendering.
Living Recovery

But, God!

I do believe, but you’re not giving me what I want. Wah!! - Miranda

But I prayed!I told God what I needed,
how to fix it, and what happened?
Nothing! I'm consistent.
Every day I tell God
who to bless, what they need,
how to make my day better,
what I need out of my way.
I pray. Consistently.
Insistently. And it's like
I'm talking to myself.

And I prayed!
I decided to try to connect
not because I believed
but because Sarah did,
and Dani told of blessings
that came from prayer.
I just recited simple words,
the same ones every day,
asking God's forgiveness
for the day's failings,
asking what constructive measures
I should do. I ask God
to direct my thinking,
that I not get mired
in self pity, that I be honest,
that I not put my self first.
When I do that, I have good ideas,
guidance when I need it.
I stop during the day,
listen for guidance,
and when I stop struggling,
the answer comes.
I ask to know my next right step.
If I can't remember what to ask,
I say, "Your will, God, not mine!"
And it works. It's like
God's talking to me.

Indebtedness

Indebted. Obligated.
Owing. Compelled, bound,
required, forced. Beholden.
An action done, a bond made,
often from the will to help,
the willingness to extend a hand,
but from a position of power,
of ownership, of control,
of sovereignty.

Gratitude. Grateful.
Appreciative. Thankful.
A benevolence. Kindness,
good-heartedness, generosity.
Compassion, grace, love.

I've learned I cannot loan money
to anyone, for that creates entitlement,
obligation. Instead, they may ask
that I lend, but when I deliver the funds
I've learned they are a gift. If they are returned
I have them to give away again, but if not,
the acrid heart is not created,
does not poison my soul and build resentment.
If I share my bounty with my friends
I keep the friend and that matters more.

Causing Change

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change! ~ Wayne Dyer. Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

Change one person in the group.
Well, change yourself,
for even if you try you can't
change anybody else.
Or watch a group where one has changed.
The others cannot remain the same.
But it's more complex than that.
It can be the watcher who changes,
not a single one of the participants.
and still the group changes.
So, you're watching, not changing,
just observing and evaluating,
considering, and what you watch changes.
So, is it true you can only change yourself?
No. You change your attitude,
your observation, your analysis,
your mindset, and others change.
So, you can change others...
but really you can only change yourself...

Once Upon an Angry Liver

Anger resides in the liver, I'm told.

Spewing bile, a walking reservoir

of venom, jealousy, enmity.

Eat, they say, to fix it. Garlic,

grapefruit, beets, lemons, greens...

Maybe it helps, but other eating helps --

abstinence. With a side of Twelve Steps.

Get rid of the anger through Four and Five,

Eight and Nine with a side of Ten.

Anger will vanish and you can skip

that garlic.

The Guilt-Dump Dream

When amends have been made,
lessons learned, responsibility nurtured,
maturation triggered...still, guilt lingers.
For years. Decades, lifetimes, and beyond...
guilt converges, amasses, amalgamates,
melds like plastic peanuts in a land dump,
perpetual, imperishable, perdurable.
Useless. Toxic. Malignant. Pernicious.
Toxic waste of the mind.
Enter the Guilt-Dump Dream.
The setting familiar, borrowed
from discarded dreams, a cruise ship
but parked, static, a part of the shore.
The cast familiar, my world, my people,
my guilt-gift-exchange posse
from ages past and present.
The guilt familiar, too. Inventory of books,
wasting space, testament to improvident choices.
Unfashionable, indecent,
surely-you're-not-wearing-that
choices in my luggage, nothing else.
Promises made, promises broken,
I acted impulsively, avoided confrontation,
never where I should have been.
The finale found me under open-riser stairs,
Mother climbing them, me in open-front robe
hiding, caught, admonished by her eyes.
Unable to bear the guilt, I woke up,
leaving it all on the set.

I let the dog out,
climbed into bed though the alarm had rung,
woke late enough to start again
rebuilding my inventory of guilt.

Muddy Waters

But the muddiest water clears
as it is stilled.
And out of that stillness
life arises. ~ Lao-tzu

In the harshest drought
a hard-pounding downpour
fills lakes, washes clean the world,
restores hope and heart, but...
persistent showers, pooling,
puddling, lingering, muddying
the world brings truer recovery...
dawdling, soaking, becoming
the lifeblood of new growth,
of life rejuvenated.
Sit in the sludge.
Bog down in the mud.
Soak in rejuvenation.
Take time for seeds to incubate,
for kernels to germinate.
If you believe in the Power,
trust the process.

They're Watching Us

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, television and other public media of communication. ~ 11th Tradition of Overeaters Anonymous

Sure, we're anonymous

at the level of press, radio,
films, television
and other public media

but they know us out there.

Most of us have told our families,
many our co-workers and friends,
and they see the difference...
if there is a difference.
If we act like it's just a diet
it seems like every other one we've done
time after time in years past.
But if we change, they see.
Acquaintances see body size.
Compadres see peace, serenity,
joy, freedom from fear, acceptance...
They're watching us and that way
we carry the message without speaking
a single word.

Accept

God, grant me the serenity to accept... ~ The Serenity Prayer

To accept. To understand I have enough.
To grasp the concept I have no unmet needs.
To trust that sufficient grace will come my way,
and to know that today's troubles are sufficient
to the day, need not be supplemented with those past
nor for those that might come to be borrowed.
Grant me the serenity to accept who he is,
what she believes, how they live and to know
it's none of my business. God, let me become
someone who allows others to help,
who surrenders the idea of always giving,
never receiving unless something equal...
no, greater...has been given in return.
Grant me the ability to accept life,
to welcome what I've learned to believe
I could never deserve, to embrace benefits,
to claim my failures when they should be,
my successes just as willingly, friendship offered,
love bestowed, and serenity.

Immersed in Inspiration

...to immerse yourself in inspiration rather than information, to become at one with that which has always been. ~ Dyer, Wayne, Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

How big is the big picture?
What does it mean to reach a point
beyond our wildest dreams?
What does it mean, Yoda,
when you say, "Do. Or do not.
There is no try."
Surrender? To whom? How?
"Not my will, but thine be done."
Do you work on managing "it"?
How is that the opposite of what you need?
Immerse yourself in inspiration
rather than information.
Become at one with what is,
what was, what will be,
with what has always been,
will always be. What is
on the deepest level.

Endless Day

Pain. Ambiguous answers,
better now. Now dying.
Maybe burping, maybe fear,
maybe needing attention.
Late night. Hospital?
Wait. Hospital. Surgery
in hours that only happen
in the p.m. but now
through endless night.
Food. What is it you eat
when you've been awake
around the clock?
Freebies brought by nurse?
Not enough. One is too much.
A case, too little.
Vending machines?
Black coffee. None of it...
except the coffee.
Back then home again,
another meal. Breakfast?
How can you help?
Eating over it doesn't help.
Abstinence is thinking straight.
Abstinence is not a food plan
but the best you can do
living in faith, dealing with fear,
solving it...not with food.

Eating Traditionally

Did you have black-eyed peas,
ham hoc, cabbage, mustard greens
or some other lucky food yesterday?
Will you have good luck or wealth?
Why would that work?
It seems black-eyed peas
became good luck
when Yankees took the food
but left that, considering it unfit.
These lucky foods are homey, humble,
unpretentious. And therein lies the luck,
the alignment with fortune, with creation.
Given a menu when we don't have to pay
how often do we choose classy,
expensive, urbane? We eat to impress
ourselves because it's high end,
others, because it's high end.
But our food and our lives should be honest,
simple, to the point, healthy, appropriate.
We have no need to impress
but have good cause to care for ourselves,
to conserve, to think, to eat smart.
Compulsive overeaters or normies,
what we eat is who we are
and we can choose to be healthy,
to be lucky, to be blessed.

Present

Can you think of today?
Only today? Media tells
of events of the past year,
people no longer embodied
who changed states
in the last year.
Projections abound
for the coming months,
for tomorrow and tomorrow
and those days to come.
But stop. What of today?
No, not black-eyed peas,
cabbage, resolutions,
bowl games, parades.
Not looking back or forward,
but in the moment.
Can you live today,
aware, feeling, being,
in one single solitary moment,
the fireworks not the illegal kind
set off within city limits
but metaphysical...
Can you feel your heart beat,
your blood surge, your skin
containing your essence,
your being? What are you doing,
feeling, being, this moment?
Is it important? Are you aware?
Can you think of now?