Courtesy of the Heart

There is a courtesy of the heart. It is akin to love. Out of it arises the purest courtesy in the outward behavior. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe [Overeaters Anonymous, For Today (Kindle Locations 2249-2251)]

I met George W. Bush, candidate for governor;
on the same ballot I sought reelection to a county bench.
I'd met others. John Tower, Kay Bailey Hutchison,
Carole Rylander, Patricia Lykos, Barbara Culver...
many more. Many were kind (one noticeable exception)
but courtesy of the heart – the kind I remember clearly
these seventeen years later – emanated from Bush.
People in the rooms of Recovery have that same heart,
the love, the acceptance, the guilt-free trust.
They care. They believe in possibility in each person.
Without condoning negative behavior or words,
still they respect the individual.
Courtesy of the heart cannot be applied,
adopted, acquired. Nor can it be
forgotten.
 

Redefining Literal

...had to redefine what literal is... ~ Jo Cox

Literal – usual or most basic sense,
no metaphors, no allegory,
without exaggeration, undistorted,
exact. Lacking wiggle room.
Take it or leave it.
But what if I don't ​like ​it?
What if it doesn't fit my needs?
What do you mean,
no easier, softer way?
Half measures count for ​something!
Don't they? After all, they're called ​suggestions!
Guides to progress! ​What about that phrase
"progress, not perfection?"
Sure, it's simple, at least easy to say.
But to do it?
Yeah, my way has never worked.
But you can't mean all this stuff ​literally!

As Life Begins with a Cry

...but religion begins as life does, with a cry of hunger – and reason comes long after. ~ Bill Pittman and Dick B. Courage To Change (Kindle Locations 345-349)

Jesus told Nicodemus he had to be born again,
not to study the law and the prophets.
Knowledge gets us nowhere —
we have facts, statistics, experience,
reason, understanding of all the data
but cannot solve or even grasp how solving
would look. We can only find new life
like an infant, bursting into something big,
something bright, something beyond
and cry out with angst, with hope,
with hunger for the prize long-sought
and suddenly ours.

Fly, Boy

Ordinary ain't your style boy, it's like a jacket way too small. ~ Elliott Park

Would that you were hot or cold
but you're not so I'll spew you out.
Do – or do not. There is no try.
Lead, follow our get out of the way.
We of the rooms of Recovery
come from isolation, longing to be
of the crowd, normal, a part.
We've lived in our mental hierarchy,
above most – jealous, fearful of the rest.
We avoid attention-getting endeavors —
don't look at me! Let me blend in...
Then that Power we decided to yield to
beckons what we least want to do.
"What anybody thinks of you
its none of your business."
The outcome of your risking
is out of your hands, not your concern.

So go on and fly, boy —
To the sky, boy.
Win or lose, you are free.
But wherever you go, boy
Clouds above or rocks below, boy
You don’t belong here in between.

It's not plagiarism if everybody knows I'm quoting God through John's Revelation and Yoda. The last quote is from Elliott Park's "Fly Boy" from the album Flyboy.

How to Take

One can know nothing of [anything] that is worthy to give unless one also knows how to take. ~ Havelock Ellis (as quoted in For Today)

Say, "Thank you" and then shut up.
I am worthy. Oh, how false that feels!
I am something, deserving recognition.
I deserve to be heard, to be honored.
I am precious, lovely, loved —
all those words that make me cringe,
make me want to bury my head
and not be seen.
But I am worthy. I am capable. I am loved.
God, teach me to honor the truth.

Shadow Standing

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

My biggest impediment
usually is me. I get in the way
with fears, with plans,
with grand schemes
of my own, crowding out
voices of reason from folks
or from God. I doubt,
therefore I set myself up,
falling flat on my face.
I give up when the going gets hard.
Fortunately, though, friends and God
don't usually buy into
my follies.

Self-portrait in Madrid

No, Thanks!

Moses could have said, "No, this is too weird." ~ Jo Cox

Imagine following an errant sheep
up a mountain, pausing at a burning bush
not being consumed. Some voice speaks,
"Take off your shoes, this dirt's holy."
Then he asked Moses to return, facing warrants.
He said, "Tell Pharaoh to let his slaves go free,
the lot of them." Throwing down some shepherd's staff
that turned into a snake...
Would you have gone?
Just what kind of God's will are you willing to do?

Ruthlessly

I ruthlessly faced my sins and became willing to have my new-found Friend take them away, root and branch. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 13

Ruthlessly – without pity, lacking compassion.
Merciless, cruel, heartless. The word works well
for someone I scorn, for enemies.
For my sins? Sure.
But wait a minute.
Some of those are attached,
deep-rooted, part of me.
Do I want to ruthlessly attack me?
Root and branch harkens back to England,
the year 1640, and even then it meant
removing entirely because it was bad.
Life as I've known it is bad,
rotten – root, branch and trunk.
Yes, I'm willing to ruthlessly
face my sins, to remove the rotten core,
to embrace recovery fully.

Unreservedly

There I humbly offered myself to God, as I then understood Him, to do with me as He would. I placed myself unreservedly under His care and direction. I admitted for the first time that of myself I was nothing; that without Him I was lost. I ruthlessly faced my sins and became willing to have my new-found Friend take them away, root and branch. I have not had a drink since. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous,​ page 12

Unreservedly.
How do you remove reserves?
Frank and open,
not booked in advance.
Without reservations.
Like going on a trip,
trusting right decisions,
not controlling before,
not locking in plans.
Relying on the stock, the troops
engaged, holding nothing back,
all in. Betting the pot,
trusting, No second team.
Giving up control,
actually trusting this Power
I came to believe
could restore me to sanity.

Legacy of Mistrust

I've changed. Believe me.
Forget the times I betrayed you,
belittled you, undercut you.
Trust me, I've changed.
Why won't you believe me?
What can I say to convince you?
You've got every right not to believe.
What you think of me
is none of my business.
Living a life you can trust
is.

Comfort Zone

"Your comfort zone is a weakness." Victoria Lee quoting RYLA counselor.

Inside comfort zones progress unnecessary growth will atrophy

Transference

Dog hairs rub off on everything,
even things they never touched,
got no closer than fifty yards.
Black streaks generously relocate,
a lighter surface draws gleeful rubbing.
Coal marks float through air
while peaceful colors — beauty —
stays put.
Grace and peace have much to share
with bitterness, resentment, hate...
But why does the transfer never work?
Why do negatives always convert
positives, never yield to the light of hope.
As you offer service find ways
to replenish the good, restoring
what curmudgeons scrape off.

Monster, May I?

Monster, may I ignore you today?
Monster, may I give you no power over me?
Monster, may I make thoughts of you
fleeting, powerless, puny pop-able balloons?
Monster, may I go my way in power,
confident, with purpose, at least today?
Monster, I may.
Monster, I will!

Inwardly Reorganized Plus

I saw that my friend was much more than inwardly reorganized. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 11-12

Housekeeping chores abound,
compound, confound.
It's hard enough when you can see,
when measuring progress is physical,
thing by thing, area by area.
Yet the harder rearranging is internal,
and oh, how much more needed!
How great the increased potential.
Toss out the hatred, the spite, the envy.
Resentments piled in boxes,
ready to haul away.
Priorities set straight,
rabbit trails discarded,
a shine on the new-found hope,
trust covering everything in confidence
like pixie dust. Housecleaning done,
we survey the results to find new growth —
potential —
blossoming in long-abandoned plots.

Dank you for my sins

"Dear God, dank you for dis day. Dank you for my mommy, daddy, bubbas, and meself. Dank you for my sins. Help me sleep so I rise up and do your 'Will... and Aaron.' Safe and warm. Amen".  ~ quoted by Barrett Thomas

My sins. They're mine.
And none of your business.
Leave me along if nobody's hurt.
My sins. They're mine.
And they are my business.
I can fool the whole world
but not me...
When I'm honest with me
my sins accuse me
haunt me
convict me.
When I'm honest
my sins pull me up.
When I'm honest
my sins make me whole.

Why?

“Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?" ~ Luke 6:46 NIV

Why do you say these Steps don't work
when you've never worked them?
Why do you set a foodplan
and ignore it whenever you please?
Why do you call your sponsor
when your day's been good
but never when you're struggling?
Why do you come late to meetings
and slip out before it's over?

What have you done today
to draw closer to the Recovery you want?

Basics Are Basic

Forty years ago I was darned good at math
but lousy at arithmetic which yanked some rugs.
I never practiced the piano enough, and scales?
I saw no use in those, disdained the repetition.
Yesterday I played tech guru, piddling with controls,
pulling my hair about silence on the other end,
wishing I were there to fix the problem — there —
when halfway through I recognized a signal
staring right at me — and unmuted on my end.
How often do we revel in Recovery, in promises
and progress, ignoring the fact we, each of us,
have a daily reprieve contingent
on the maintenance of our spiritual condition?

Paradox of Healing

But if you decide to work on your relationship post-affair, you must accept a hard truth: Another affair can happen. This is the paradox of healing, Seidel said. ~  Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

How can another hurt heal an owie?
Sure, sometimes a hangnail hurts
until you smash a toe and forget the nail!
But it still hurts, the new one didn't change it —
just refocused the mind.
But that's enough, isn't it?
A baby falls, protests loudly
then a bouncing ball banishes all pain.
Sometimes, though, pain lingers through coddling,
through self-pity, through grudge-building.
Sometimes we deal with the pain
by planning vengeance, by trying to change another.
Sometimes we hurt for taking on life-living
for someone else, doing none of our business.
And when we stop
hurts heal.

The Bridge of Reason

Some of us had already walked far over the Bridge of Reason toward the desired shore of faith. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous ​page 53

Reason has no substance, no load-bearing span.
But reason can bridge as a verb,
can bring minds together.
And reason can be the noun bridge
so long as it's the conceptual kind,
connecting, reconciling, bringing minds together.
Limitations hinder, though, the bold explorer
cognitively striding it's span,
for this metaphysical connection
cannot reconcile a single mind,
cannot harmonize a solo voice.
Fear not, though. This bridge of reason
unites the would-be pilgrim
with power greater, bolder, vaster
than mind can imagine. And Power
stands, watching, waiting, anticipating
the prodigal penitent
stepping forward,
anxious to receive the gracious gift
of faith.

Simple, Practical

They had told of a simple religious idea and a practical program of action. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 9

A simple religious idea:
Believe as you want to believe,
but know you're not god,
that a power greater than you
can heal your soul, bring sane living,
bless you beyond belief
when you decide to surrender
that which you couldn't manage anyway.
A practical program of action:
Not some philosophy or theology,
they're called steps for a reason.
It's  not grand ideas, eloquent words,
the right frame of mind.
It's doing what the book says,
listing grievances against us,
then getting real. Admitting the truth,
becoming honest and humble,
making amends, walking the walk
every day, not just the easy ones,
meditating, following, and serving.
Nothing complicated.
Just a simple and practical miracle.

Musing

With a certain satisfaction I reflected there was enough gin concealed about the house to carry me through that night and the next day. My wife was at work. I wondered whether I dared hide a full bottle of gin near the head of our bed. I would need it before daylight.

My musing was interrupted by the telephone. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 8.

Grand plans, excellent concepts,
a proposal to excite Wall Street
and loosen expense accounts.
Bill W had lived the high life,
had mused of fame, fortune, acclaim.
Small comforts, minute encouragement,
diminutive plans to placate powerful passions.
Unable to care for himself, dependent on Lois,
he schemed to deceive, pondered possible loss
of gin. How miniscule are our musings
from addiction's death grip...

Waiting for a Miracle

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
For by it the elders obtained a good report.
Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear. ~  Hebrews 11:1-3 (KJV) 

Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 16

The elders obtained a good report.
How many people have stayed
in the rooms, waiting for a miracle
based on the substance – the import —
of things hoped for,
evidenced by recovery in others.
Evidence of potential miracles
can be peace in a face,
serenity in a life,
potential incarnate
in the formerly hopeless.
We may never see these hoped for things,
yet want what these folks have.

God, grant me faith,
give me courage to demand
nothing more, wisdom
to know that’s all I need.

From A Cloud of Witnesses 

Equal Unequals

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~ Hebrews 11:1 NIV

How can things not meaning the same
be defined so well in the same words?
Faith is not Recovery,
Recovery is not Faith,
but both are the substance
of things hoped for,
the evidence of things not seen. 

Emptied

An empty shell,
abandoned.
I walk away from my defenses,
the fat that protected me,
from regrets and shame
paralyzing me,
from resentment and blame
that released me from culpability,
from lies I carried and enhanced
to keep the first slip concealed.
I may look the same
but that's not me.
I have a brand new start.

Perspective

Nose to a barrier, it looms, formidable.
A slight, an embarrassment, a stumble
can focus the eyes of the world, disapproving,
scorning your ineptitude.
With distance, though, the barrier shrinks,
shows clearly how easily passed it is.
When your nose is too close, back off.
See if under or over can't be replaced
with a simple around.

Might As Well

As the whisky rose to my head I told myself I would manage better next time, but I might as well get good and drunk then. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​page 6

The old "might as well" attitude.
I messed up, failed,
so I'm a failure,
and I'll wallow in that mud
for now with all the intention
tomorrow - or on Monday,
or January 1st,
or sometime
I'll get it right
by doing
the same thing again
and proving
I'm a failure
and worthless
again.

Thank God
there's an exit sign
if we just pay attention
and we can escape
the miserable funhouse.

Winning!

If I couldn’t win, I refused to play... ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition

"Card shark" my uncle called me
near the floor heating vent
of my grandparents' home
about the time he brought me
a toy banjo from Minnesota to Texas.
"I'm glad you won
because you don't lose well,"
Mother said when I telephoned
with election results.
I can know another Toastmaster
spoke better than I, but rue
not getting the nod of the votes.
I can do it myself! My refrain
for decades, heartfelt, proved false.
In running my life
I place a distant second
since I learned to let go
and reap the rewards.

Meditation

Meditate
on who's not god
and who is.

Meditate
on will gone awry
and on yielding to will
and power.

Meditate
on life lived
as personal best
producing chaos
and on life lived
surrendered
where best
means best.

The Best

We deserve the best. We are willing to accept the best. ~ Louise Hay. Power Is Within You

I deserve the best.
I'm a child of God,
beloved, loyal —
at least most the time,
at least as I understand
what's expected,
what's allowed,
what my part is and how.
I deserve the best.
How, though, do I transmogrify
into someone
who might be willing
to accept
the best?

Live, Laugh, Love

Today is the day you have —
live it well.
Don't take yourself seriously,
fearing to speak, ruing what you said,
dwelling on what others think of you —
laugh often, make your world smile.
Know the insecurities, the fears, the hurts
of people you encounter.
Understand they share your doubts —
love them all without reserve,
hoping only to make their lives glow
and your own will as well.

Today!

I've spent my life regretting the past,
scheming, dreaming the future, what if's.
I don't have yesterday, can't grasp tomorrow,
but choose to live, conscious, engaged, alive!

Alloy to Weapon

Out of this alloy of drink and speculation, I commenced to forge the weapon that one day would turn in its flight like a boomerang and all but cut me to ribbons. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, page 2

Mixing the metallic harshness of excessive drink
and risking large quantities of currency
to make an alloy, something more potent —
as in inherently more dangerous —
than either, the weapon of self-destruction.
Take one talented woman constrained by '50s mores,
add relationships with people expecting excellence,
seldom ratifying the achievement, stir in co-dependence
and conflicting world views, and produce the weapon
that protected me with layers of blubber
impervious to harshness but also to love
and acceptance.

I Gave Up Knowing

I gave up having to know when OA showed me a better way to live. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 1938-1939)

When I'm in charge of the world,
I must plan, order, structure... know!
for the world revolves around me,
depends on my insight and guidance.
Certainly I can never relax, have no one
to help, to guide, to counsel on the course.
When I admit the awful secret, >
acknowledge failure at times to have answers...
When I divulge my overwhelming ignorance
then I can do what I can, find solace and companionship,
set down the world from my shoulders
and find peace, hope, a world worth living in.

Surrender

Surrender is merely faith active: it is the way by which the desire of faith turns into determination, and it has to be made before the forces of grace can operate in any human life. ~ Courage to Change, Bill Pittman and Dick B.

If I were brave enough to fly
from trapeze to trapeze
the catcher would have to earn
allegiance, to be someone awesome,
a master at his task.
If I am brave enough to surrender,
to yield control of my life and will,
the recipient must be a master,
expert, awesome, and capable.

Lacking Humility

If we are surprised, shocked, deflated, or discouraged when a defect returns, we lack humility.  ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Location 740)

Perfection wasn't mine,
isn't now. Pride says
when I surrender a trait
I must abandon it completely.
After all, I identified the wrong,
became willing to release defects,
humbly offered up shortcomings —
if they come back have I done it wrong?
Is my work incomplete?
Or is there some deeper meaning,
a new level of growth awaiting,
understanding my then maturity
couldn't tackle? Do I trust?
Do I know I'm not in charge?
When can I learn to relish
another chance to bloom?

Excuses

I didn't sleep well,
have yawned all day.
I got organized, made a list,
ready to move through it.
In the process haven't emailed
Sponsor, skipped readings,
sloughed off. But hey,
I made a meeting, yawned through it.
Surely Sponsor and God will get it,
I need sleep.
Okay. I understand,
they get it.
I can sleep after I finish
recovering today.

Consent

Later, he requested the privilege of being allowed to tell his story to other patients here and with some misgiving, we consented. ~ Dr. William D. Silkwood

We consented.
Bottom line.
Sometimes decisions
come with misgivings,
with doubt and fear
and dread, with qualms
and trepidation.
Doing the right thing
doesn't always feel right,
gives no warm fuzzies
in the doing.
But when the right thing is right
damn the misgivings,
it's out of our hands
and we stand by to watch
the miracles.

By the Time

By the time we got to Woodstock we were half a million strong. ~ Song lyric, Joni Mitchell

Improbably results from a shared dream,
whether a crowd of people on six hundred acres
in the Catskills or a hundred sober alcoholics
with a solution. When the time is right,
when the need is there, world-changing events
and cultural shifts happen.

Of a Tyoe

In late 1934 I attended a patient who, though he had been a competent businessman of good earning capacity, was an alcoholic of a type I had come to regard as hopeless. ~ William D. Silkworth

When an individual has tumbled deep
into addiction, distinguishing the one
from the mass strains perception,
taxes scrutiny. Descriptions degrade
to anecdotes, incidents, stories of life before.
As to character, habits, behavior,
distinctions evade selection.
Recovery recreates our hope and individuality.        

Jake Harper

His family put the fun in dysfunctional,as Jake stood by -- actually sat, lounged --

subject to financial, sexual, disparaging jabs

about parents, disdain from hedonistic uncle,

antipathy and manipulation by and about grandmother.

And Jake ate as Charlie belittled his knowledge,

as Alan fretted about his his eating, his weight, 

as even Berta belittled his wild-child living out

the weed-culture nurturing. We watched him grow,

cute child to chubby puberty to thinned-down teen,

but the issues remain, make you wonder, which route

will he walk to recovery? What addiction will dominate?

To food, sex, porn, gambling? Where will Jake finally find

his own, his home?

Simple and Personal

In spite of the great increase in the size and the span of this Fellowship, at its core it remains simple and personal. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Foreword to the Third Edition

How can anything be more personal
than one-on-one counseling?
Simple. In a crowded room
or with a single person
when life-or-death grasping
yields recovery, that's honest,
that's real, that's personal!

Principle of Good Enough

The principle of good enough (sometimes abbreviated to POGE) is a rule for software and systems design. It favours quick-and-simple (but potentially extensible) designs over elaborate systems designed by committees. Once the quick-and-simple design is deployed, it can then evolve as needed, driven by user requirements. ~ Wikipedia

Adequate for the task,
tolerable, satisfactory —
acceptable. Ninety-five
of a hundred, better than average.
Who could fault good enough?
Only those who choose not to settle,
who accept only top-notch,
who demand consummate magnificence.
Just folks who know
the greatest deterrent to the best
is good enough.

Erstwhile Erratic Alcoholics

Our Society then entered a fearsome and exciting adolescent period. The test that it faced was this: Could these large numbers of erstwhile erratic alcoholics successfully meet and work together? ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​Second Edition

Erratic capsulizes my life.
This way, that way, around again.
Public dieting, private drive-through queen.
Professional, competent, respected
to browbeaten, insecure, guilt-ridden.
Confident talking to crowds,
nonplussed in smalltalk.
I was powerless, hopeless, incompetent
until a higher power restored (or brought) sanity.
I'm just hoping the old negatives
are erstwhile.

Wholesale Miracle

Wholesale miracle, they called AA in 1955.
Wholesale, an odd modifier of miracle.
"Done on a large scale; extensive" as an adjective.
As a noun, "the selling of goods in large quantities
to be retailed by others." By use, a lower cost.
Well, that's true, for me with weight.
I've given hundreds of dollars to WW,
a few thousand to Metabolic,
and bunches of thousands to counselors.
But Twelve-Step programs are free, wholesale.
A wholesale miracle —
"surprising and welcome event
not explicable by natural or scientific laws,
the work of a divine agency."
Highly improbable or extraordinary,
bringing welcome consequences.
Yes, recovery is inexpensive, widespread,
an improbable event, worth fortunes
but all I need pay is surrender.

Anywhere

If he is conscientiously following the program of recovery he can go anywhere your business may call him. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​page 147

Anywhere. I've learned to be in recovery
wheresoever I may be. Emotions roil,
tempers flare, words fly, but I don't have to fall,
need not lose serenity, may continue in love.
I'm not in charge, need not change others,
cannot cause others to see things my way.
I take orders, do the next right thing,
and stand ready to be used as a tool —
for a power far greater than I – to mend turmoil,
to bring peace to people who need some,
who may see in me a state of mind
they'd love to find somewhere.

Quick and Easy

Stopped they must be; on this all depends. Only a fully trained Jedi Knight, with the Force as his ally, will conquer Vader and his Emperor. If you end your training now - if you choose the quick and easy path as Vader did - you will become an agent of evil. ~ Yoda

The steps are too tough,
old-fashioned, meant for old drunks.
Why bother? They were just beginning,
didn't have the power of meetings,
tbe advantage of seventy-plus years
of psychological development.
But look at those numbers...
Seventy-five percent sobered?
Is that just hype? Probably not...
liars would set the number even higher!
Maybe the steps really are the way to do this.
I certainly don't want it hanging around my neck
that people didn't make it!
I don't want to lose it after years
of the quick and easy way,
just going to meetings.

Even

You sound different. Even. ~ Maureen Gibbons

On a level plane, balanced.
I've never been called "even" before.
But it's descriptive. I'm on an even keel
at a turning point in my life. And at peace.
I enter a new phase from a position of strength —
thank God, not mine. I know I'm powerless
over people, circumstances, and results
but I have a power supporting me who's powerful,
in charge, and capable of making shards fit together
seamlessly, as though never broken, made new.
I'm satisfied whether this scrap that is me becomes merged again
of if I remain separate, bearing broken edges,
but useful, art in powerful hands
capable of using even me
to create serenity from chaos.

A Fool of Me

Gullible, I’m not —
well, most the time.
I look at you askance
when you suggest the incredible,
when you tell tall tales.
One person, though, I must admit
can shroud me with wool
time, then time again.
I should get mad at the falsehoods
making me seem witless, mindless, brainless.
How, though, do I hold a grudge
when the prevaricator
is me?

Thank You For Your Service

We stand indebted to you who walked before us
who suffered and died, who lived and worked
for a glorious idea, an ideal worth dedication, sacrifice.
Our debt to you cannot be paid but by honor freely given.
Our only course for giving more is not to you
but to those to come. We carry on your proud example
as we pass it forward, serving others.

Don't Fence Yourself In

...my life will be as fair to me as I allow it to be. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition, Kindle Locations 1978-1979

I set the barriers, up close, right around me
for protection, security, safety...
but most of the time they hold me in,
don't let anybody, anything – even luck —
near me. So, how much protection do I need?
Am I not secure enough just being reasonable?
I can't keep what scares me most from me
with any fence – physical, emotional or spiritual —
because it rests inside me, festering, fomenting,
yeast in the oven of my fear.
But in my fears I protest disparity,
chances slipping past me, refusing to admit
I fenced them out.

Slider

Throw it at me and I'll hit it out,
I'm waiting on it, counting on it,
Ready to defend against it —
but where it's supposed to be.
An insult from a nemesis,
A close call against me, fine.
But a compliment with a hidden barb,
a slight from a friend,
an honest but painful evaluation,
and resentments flare, fear crops up
shoving serenity aside.
Beware the slider, hold on to your program
when the unexpected hurt happens.

Entirely Ready

What does entirely ready mean? It means absolute trust. When it looks like God’s careening down the wrong path with your life, it means you resist the urge to grab the wheel. It means whatever is most precious to you – your reputation, your wealth, your family, your career, your abstinence, anything! – will not stand in the way of your blind obedience to God’s will. He has no obligation to show you the whys. ~ OAStepper, Slender Steps to Sanity

About those defects of character,
the ones I've said I was entirely ready
to leave behind. I really don't want them.
I'd say I don't want them back, but they're here,
prominent again, because I'm back in the nursery
where they matured, ran rampant, seemed to be hope,
felt as safe as I could get. They salute at triggers pulled.
God, if you take them away, will you protect me?
You won't do what I can do myself. Are you sure I can?
If you remove my crutch can I walk? Can I run?
Can I dance?
God, I'm entirely ready to do what I can
and to trust you to substitute what I need
for what I already threw away as ineffective.
God, you'll have to lead in this dance. 

Stranger Danger

I talk to crowds easily, lead meetings naturally
but one-on-one clam up. Small-talk left to me
soon peters out, fizzles, yields to silence.
So I don't talk to strangers. End of discussion,
silence swells. It's God's will.
Isn't it? He made nature, it's my makeup.
And if it's not? Moses turned him down,
said he wasn't eloquent. Isaiah's unclean lips,
purified, answered, "Here am I, send me."
I don't want to red-rover run through – or to – the line of strangers.
But I'm not at the wheel.
God, remove my fear, show me what to be,
and if you wish, send me.

Kindling

Tiny twigs, leaves, even paper
useless trash, small with trivial use
fuel ignited instantly, vanishing in seconds
leaving a legacy of fire for warmth
for cooking, for making memories
on which to build a life.
Little words, said carelessly
shared as background for larger thoughts
snippets of understanding, nuggets of hope
incorporated into a life not open to big
incapable of grandiose concepts
a tentative flame of possible
a flicker of recovery
fodder for building a life afire

A Minor Detail

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87.

A pregnant pause, a break in conversation,
a normal element of dialogue, of interaction.
An ellipsis in life...
Who cares what others think? It's not my business
what anyone perceives, but likely folk —
those few who actually notice —
assume searching for a proper word,
putting thoughts in order, pondering
the brilliance of the words just heard —
these account for the moment's silence.
We know, though. We understand
a connection to surrender, recollection of role,
of Whose will controls, of awaiting power
to act in sync. The time of a deep breath,
a minor detail. What a difference, though,
in relationships, in serenity, in living
recovering lives.

Love Me to Death

Aunt Laura, I know how good your pie is,
and yes, I've always eagerly eaten it
and come back for more.
But it's not on my food plan, and no,
I won't even taste, and actually you're wrong —
a little bite  could kill me. 

Grandma, I'm not skin an bones.
You told me five weeks ago, "You're getting fat,
you need to watch that weight!"
While I'm flattered, Doc Brown disagrees,
wants me to lose fifty pounds.

And you, my dear husband, you're right —
I disagree with you more often these days.
I lived in a food fog all these years,
and clear thinking unnerves me
as the emotions I tamped down with food
spew forth. I'm working through them,
and while I will still speak the truth
I hope you'll love me until I can speak truth with love.

I'm scared you see the changes in me
while at the same time elated you ratify my truth.
I've found a new home, a family of choice,
people who know me as I've never known myself.
But you, family of my heart,
my flesh and bone, I cherish your love,
your concern, your involvement,
I ask you, though, please —
Don't love me to death.