A Life's Work

As you draw nearer to life's end
you begin to consider the course
that life has taken. What is different
because you have lived? So, what?
Can you change the pattern of your life?
Only in one way, and that way differs not
from the options open to a youth
many years your junior. What can you change?
Only today. Yesterday and tomorrow
cannot be changed. But today can...
as to your own actions thoughts,
achievements...others are outside
your reach. But what cab you do today?
Some spiders build a masterpiece,
only to start again the next day.
Can you do a masterpiece today?
Yes, if you consider only your own business,
and surrender to a Power greater than you!

A Few Tools, A Few Syllables

Literature daily food
to nourish the soul

Sponsors, maybe wiser or not
not enmeshed in the problem
needed insight

 

Meetings where you hear
what happens to cause relapse
not there can't hear

 

Anonymity
if you're not here
what happens here
not for you to hear

Ramadan

A month of fasting.

My guess is this would be tough
for compulsive eaters.
Both not eating during days
and the idea of making it up
come sundown.
That feeds both major obsessions,
anorexia and bingeing.
I decided once to fast one day weekly,
discovered conflicts with Holy Communion
and my birthday. How do you fast
when people expect you to eat?
One weekend a group fasted,
to be broken Sunday morning.
I went grocery shopping Saturday
with a youth not participating.
When he offered me gum, I declined
not because I thought of the violation
but not liking chewing gum.
Why do I remember that
forty-four years later? What did I learn?
That fasting in the right spirit makes sense
but when it's an external order
the meaning is lost.

The Real You

The real you is loving, joyful, and free. The real you is just like a flower, just like the wind, just like the ocean, just like the sun. ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

When did you lose the real you?
When did you lose the real you?
For many of us in Recovery
we spent most of the time
before we found the rooms
with a false persona, one we neither
liked or wanted. But it was safe,
or seemed so. We had our addiction
to protect us from fears, anger,
resentment, and despair.
Wr must learn as adults,
when fundamental change
is strange how to be real,
to be a flower, like the wind,
like the ocean, like the sun.

To Thrive

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. ~ Maya Angelo

We need not settle.
Our well-developed
diet mentality
says we're deprived
eating sanely,
taking only what body needs,
not what mind craves.
But we can learn the joy
inherent in right choices,
the satisfaction of sanity.
And when we let go
of control, choose health,
sobriety. sanity, we can thrive —
we can feel passion...as positive,
have compassion, humor, even style!

It's Called Meditation

Look, cat, leave me alone.

I know I'm sitting on the floor

that you think everything on the floor is yours,

but it's called meditation. I sit here,

my mind at ret, listening for inspiration,

for guidance. My Higher Power

speaks to me, sometimes in thoughts,

things I need to see to,

sometimes nudging me to see what is needed.

So, leave me alone so I can listen.

What is it that just caused me to think

about little people, insignificant people

or things that I see every day?

Why are you looking at me, cat?

Not Today

I'm Jocelyn, and I'm a compulsive Overeater.

I have the disease, and it's hopeless.

I'm powerless over food and my life

is beyond my power to control.

I'm a Compulsive Overeater and I always will be

but just for today I'm in recovery,

with a daily reprieve
contingent on the maintenance
of my spiritual condition.

And for today, I will not eat compulsively.

Higher Power Emerges

Who can see HP?

Who perceives his presence?

Who is this entity to whom
we surrender our lives and wills?
Who is this HP when he varies
with the person trying to find him?
When however we understand him
is sufficient, when we describe
the job description, the powers he has?
And what superpowers does he have?
More than we do, and that's enough.

Claiming Isolation

Occasionally, I try to reclaim my isolation. I do it by being the know-it-all at OA meetings, by not really being honest with my sponsor, by being too proud to ask for help. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 1662-1664).

Why would anybody claim isolation?
Who would want isolation?
We should know. We lived isolation,
knew no other life because our anger,
fear, trepidation, apprehension,
foreboding, dismay...the angst
we came in with surely proved
conclusively the isolation,
the misery of our lives.
We claim OA because we have seen
the changes that are ours to enjoy
in  Recovery. But old habits die hard
and the anger, fear, trepidation,
apprehension, foreboding, dismay...
the angst returns when we cease to remember
what we have is a daily reprieve 
contingent on the maintenance 
of our spiritual condition.
And just so long as we remember this,
we have no need to claim isolation!

Mad as Heck

Taking responsibility for my anger by admitting it is the first step toward a return to sanity and balance. ~ Overeaters Anonymous. For Today (Kindle Locations 1426-1427).

What is the source of anger?
Anger is an essential source
of power and strength.
Anger lets us know.
This is who I am.
This is what I believe.
This is where I stand.
These are things
I will no longer do or tolerate.Denying and avoiding anger
hurts the holder as does
using anger ineffectively.
Only in accepting anger
can it be beneficial.
Anger is a signal something
is not right.
Speak calmly, say
what honesty to yourself requires.
Take time to think and be calm.
You are responsible for your needs.
Others are not trying to hurt you
but to get their own needs met.
Turn your anger over to your Higher Power
and seek to do his will.

Joy Multiplied

My joy in recovery is multiplied in direct proportion to the extent to which I share it with other compulsive overeaters. ~ Overeaters Anonymous. For Today (Kindle Locations 1389-1390).

In numbers there is strength.
A group of people
has more influence or power
than one person.
When that group of people
consists of individuals
seeking Recovery,
that strength, be the numbers
two, three, twenty-five,
a thousand, the size matters little,
the companionship,
the common cause
is paramount.
I put my hand in yours,
and together we can do
what we could never do alone.
No longer is there a sense
of hopelessness, no longer
must we each depend
upon our own unsteady willpower.
We are all together now,
reaching out our hands
for power and strength
greater than ours,
and as we join hands,
we find love and understanding
beyond our wildest dreams.(The OA Promise)

A Change of Course

“We will no longer simply do what we feel like doing or what we think we can get away with. Instead, we will earnestly seek to learn God’s will for us, then we will act accordingly.” — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 24

""This time I mean it!"
And it was true...every time,
again and again and again!
And again and again and again
I gave in to my baser nature,
to my cravings, to my insecurities,
to my rationalizations. to my baser self.
But Recovery...real Recovery
means relying on a Power
greater than I, truly surrendering,
releasing controls, setting getting away
with slips, with indiscretions,
and acting as HP guides, come what may.

:et the Child-like Come

I'm not real smart, kind of dumb in fact.
I never made good grades, just got by.
I heard a fellow say one time
you can't be too dumb to get recovery
but you can be too smart. Me, I'm used to
reading what it says, accepting that as true,
but you can be too smart. My sponsor says
that's 'cause they have to analyze it all,
to make it logical. Anyway, for once
we dummies win, so I'm glad for that.

I Am Silver

I am silver, I'm shiny, soft,

Prone to turn ugly and black.

I am silver. People consider me special.

valuable, worthy. Some,  though,

think I'm old-fashioned, out-dated.

I am not perfect, but I have value.

I am neither better nor worse

than lights, but I am what I am

and I have the value I was intended to have.

I Am the Engine that Can

I knew starting out I was little.

that I didn't have the strength

to deliver those presents.

I feared failure, didn't want to disappoint,

but I did what I could,

kept on, ignored the doubts, the certainty

I wasn't capable, I just did what I could

and listened to those cheering me on.

And I made it. I thought I could

and I've found in the years since then

I can do more today because I feared to try,

to believe...back then.

 

Remembering

It's great fun to be in a Recovery community
when people gather from far and near.
The old-timers share recalling times decades before
when desperation drove them to the rooms,
describing the crises, passing photographic proof
as evidence, and newcomers see
people working the steps, using the tools,
coming to meetings and finally see these have worth,
that if it's good enough through decades,
it merits attention now, to discover the merit
these actions have to transform newbies
into those taking 30-year chips.

The Numbers Are Climbing

A 28 dress size, the scales pushing three hundred,
the numbers keep climbing...not just the real ones
but the ones on the chart that swear if I eat this much,
if I get that much exercise, then the numbers will be right...
five then ten then seventeen months in the future...
Willpower, they preach, push away from the table,
you're intelligent, you can do what it takes...

 

Step One, admit I'm powerless over food,
have an unmanageable life. Step Two, came to believe
a greater Power can do this. Step Three, let Him...
Those numbers I can deal with.

Passing Through

Faces I don't know
places I could not possibly find again
Lonely, isolated, depressed
All I can do is carry with me
a hope in heart, a power who can
and leave a trail of psychic breadcrumbs
perhaps someone else will find
and finding them find me
and neither of us will be alone 

Faith

What is faith?
The dictionary says,
"complete trust or confidence in someone or something."
The Bible says
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for,
the conviction of things not seen."
The Second Step says, "came to believe
a power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity,"
enhanced by the Third,
"Made a decision  to turn our will
and our lives over to the care of God
as we understood him."
I would define faith as trusting,
believing there is a Power
able to do what I can't do
and if you can do more than I can
it doesn't matter to me
because what you do...or can do...
is none of my business.
So when I find a relationship
comfortable t0 me,
and if it is comfortable to me
it's going to be comfortable for God
because if I have it wrong he's not going
to allow my comfort there.
So my faith...and yours...
are our own business and
nobody can say we're wrong.

Giving Up

...it is not enough to want to be rid of the unpleasant side effects of my illness. I need to be willing to give up that which attracts me in the first place: the gratification, sedation or whatever other payoff I get for practicing my compulsion. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 1302-1304).

What are you willing to give up for Recovery?
Certainly those things that made you say
when you first entered the rooms,
"I admit I am powerless over food —
that my life has become unmanageable."
Are you also willing to give up your doubts
there is a power greater than you
or the limits you've placed on God as to
what you'll allow in His purview?
Are you willing to give your life and your will
to your Higher Power? Are you willing
to make a fearless and searching moral inventory
and admit it all to yourself, God and a person?
Can you give up your character defects?
What about your pride as you admit your wrongs
to those you hurt most?
Will you give up the payoff you once got
from your compulsion? Time for daily prayer and
meditation, reading program literature,
writing, phone calls, holding service positions,
sponsoring, being sponsored? What about
a food plan, a plan of action? Honoring anonymity?
Are you willing to give up things that matter to you
or only the inconveniences?

Pretentions Becoming Real

Knowing that I could become the person I pretended to be filled me with peace. I no longer have to try to be “good.” God does it for me. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 1999-2000). 

Pretension is what you're guilty of
when you boorishly try to impress other people
with how important or clever you are.
When you speak with pretension,
you're boastful and you puff yourself up
as someone very important or of great worth.
If you have literary pretentions,
you mostly likely think you're a great writer,
but you most likely are not. [vocabulary.com]
A little girl, I pretended I was a princess
and could fly. When my sister Carol
and neighbor Linda Kay played dolls,
I took the hunter/gatherer role.
As I grew older I wanted to be a popular socialite
like sister Mary Ellen, to wear clothes
not marked "husky," to run fast enough
to break the Red Rover line, to know names
of people who knew mine. I pretended to be real,
knew it was not true. Finally I found Recovery,
learned to act as if, found promises coming true,
started to find pretend and real could merge,
I could be who I wanted to be.

As We Understand

This may sound stupid but I feel like
I have someone yelling in my ear
WHAT DO YOU NEED?????
STOP TAKING IN ALL THIS JUNK YOU DON'T NEED!
IT'S HURTING YOU!

 Maybe it's my Higher Power.
Either that or I really am losing it
and have more than one person in my head.
I'm only partly kidding.
I just happen to be on my knees because
my phone is plugged in there (whatever it takes I guess).
And when I landed here I feel like I'm getting totally yelled at,

it feels like "I'm sick of whispering.

I'm sick of you ignoring me and pretending you have

all these things wrong. I'm sick of you killing yourself."

I don't know. Maybe it's my voice.

Ooh. I want to argue with the idea of HP yelling,
but I'm serious, I think that's what's happening

 I didn't ask for help. Well I kind of did earlier. I
admitted to myself that I am depressed again.
In that hole. Not as deep because I can get out some every day.
But unless I get my ass (sorry) back to serving I'm done.
(like making dinner tonight)

I guess I'm admitting to you too.

I didn't ask for help but sure as shit know
I can get me here like effing clockwork under stress.
Withdrawing. From society. Myself. Recovery.

Where the HELL is all this coming from???

Sorry for the potty mouth.

It's hard having someone who understands. 

Yes. I really think the day had been significantly significant.
No problem. A line in Slender Steps quoting God is,
"Honest discourse doesn't offend me."

Yeah. I'm at one of those places. The real ones.
I was in the car today eating candy on the way home (bought for John)
and asked myself "if someone said you couldn't eat one more piece
or you'd die, could you stop?" I wasn't sure I could. 

Wow. Acceptance. This is who I am. Now to be the best me.
Not the best "I wish I was" or someone else

I'm just looking for a daily reprieve I guess.

Enough

"No." is complete sentence. 
But we look at it and it seems rude.
"No." is complete sentence. 
We owe few people an explanation.
"No." is complete sentence. 
Even if we speak to a parent or boss,
"No." is complete sentence. 
Explanations sometime are owed though
"No." is complete sentence. 
When asked to eat foods not on our plan
"No." is complete sentence. 
When our time is imposed on
"No." is complete sentence.
To others for family or friendship
"No." is complete sentence. 
Bear up and be honest 
"No." is complete sentence. 
and "No," is enough.

What You Know Today

What you know today can affect what you do tomorrow. But what you know today cannot affect what you did yesterday. ~ Condoleezza Rice

Paul said, "When I was a child, I talked like a child,
felt like a child, reasoned like a child:
when I became a man, I put from me childish ways."
How often do we chide ourselves for what we "should have" known?
If you're on the right path now, do you rue  your not finding
that right path sooner? Our history has its own value,
that being bringing others into the rooms of Recovery.
After we ourselves find the rooms, it is then that we learn more
day after day, putting to excellent use each new growth
on making Recovery work best for others
and for ourselves.

Why and Because

Why should you work hard at recovery?
Because it won't come to you without a fight.
What if you've proven too many times you're a failure?
Just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive.
Why should I love myself?
Because it is important to stay positive because beauty comes from the inside out.
Why should I try if I'm miserable?
Because so many people live within unhappy circumstances
and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation.
Why should I try when I'll probably fail?
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Why should I bother to go outside, somewhere where I can be quiet,
alone with the heavens, nature and God.
Because then does one feel that all is as it should be.
Why should I trust a god I don't know whether I understand?
To have faith is to trust yourself to the water.
When you swim you don't grab hold of the water,
because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.
Why is it important to work on the little things?
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Why should I keep going when I fail?
In your deepest, darkest moments, pray. Sometimes pray 'Help me.'
Sometimes pray 'Thank you.' Intimate connection and communication
with your Higher Power will always get you through. Support, help, is just a prayer away.
Why should I do the right thing?
Because it is right.

Anonymity Results in Humility

Thus, it is to promote our own recovery that we cultivate the attitude of humility implied in Tradition Twelve. As we continue to grow spiritually, we begin to lose our desire for prestige in OA and in other areas of our lives. — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 205

We come to this program with shattered self-esteem.
We might have accomplishments but we feel of minimal worth.
The urge is huge to let people know we're someone,
someone worth knowing, someone with credentials.
OAStepper knew someone asked to speak at an OA event
several states away from her home. She had normie credentials
(references that would draw respect from normal people)
but her sponsor directed her not to name either her profession
nor her avocation...in other words just to be an average person.
She did as told, though it made no sense to her, but years later
it made perfect sense. It's true..".it is to promote our own recovery
that we cultivate the attitude of humility implied in Tradition Twelve.
As we continue to grow spiritually, we begin to lose our desire for prestige
in OA and in other areas of our lives."

Right Result Wrong Reason

More than six years ago Barbara Rollins
with OAStepper were putting together
A Cloud of Witnesses -- Two Big Books and Us.Each had a book published by Eagle Wings Press
but we wanted to publicize the new book.
We decided to publish a poem each day,
call it Recovery Daily Dose and sell books.
It didn't particularly work.
Eighteen hundred twenty-four books classified
Christian Books & Bibles > Bible Study & Reference >
Meditations > New Testament sell better.
In two other classifications it does far worse.
But the poem-a-day begun in preparation for marketing
has six years, two thousand one hundred eighty-nine poems,
and this begins year seven. It may not have sold our books
but it's done wonders for us. Thank you for reading,
for coming back, and for keeping the authors coming back!

A composite list