Keep on Walking

Sometimes it's good to know you don't have to turn your life around. You are on the right road and simply need to keep moving forward. ~ Maureen G

Stasis. Standing still,
resting on the promises...
or my laurels?
Benches along the path
just call for resting,
for catching breath,
for letting understanding
catch up. Yet the bench
holds no hope of permanence,
grows hard and tiring soon.
Time to move on, follow the course,
find that pot of gold at rainbow's end,
treasure the gold dust along the way.

Tulloch Castle. (Read stopping at benches on the hike up the hill.)

Lying Optimism

Half our misery comes from our lying optimism about ourselves. ~ Bill Pittman, Dick B., Courage To Change (p. 61).

As a child I pretended to be a princess,
part of Queen Elizabeth's children,
the adopted one. Other times I could fly,
or make a home under the sea
made and furnished with turtle shells.
I still make up stories, play the hero,
save the world or at least a major chunk.
But inside I know – just don't want you to —
how foolish, how pretentious, how frivolous it is...
And, when I give up the pretense,
I know that if I admit I'm powerless,
that I can't control, cannot manage,
if I surrender then suddenly it feels
like I can fly...

Judgmental

The fattest abstinent person at a meeting is in a better place than I am if I don’t have abstinence. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2834-2835).

Arrogance. Pretty darned high
on that list of character defects,
my shortcomings, the things
I've admitted objectionable.
I'll find myself superior
any way I can,
comparing my outside
to your inside, or my inside
to your outside,
depending on where I shine.
Not for long, though, for deep within
I know the awful truth, my slips,
my failures, my "little white lies"
and remember how good it feels
when I clean my side of the street
and leave yours alone.

Fragmented

Insanity is like being fragmented. Sanity is like being whole. ~ Elizabeth

Falling to pieces, coming apart at the seams,
holding life together with duct tape
the whole world is nuts...and so am I.
Then, hopeless, giving up, unable to cope
or manage or carry on, I surrender.
Something or someone else might could,
but not me. Perhaps a higher-up,
a god or something could, not me.
Funny thing, giving up...the pieces meld,
the shards take shape, puzzle pieces match.
Renovation, the rebuilt structure
eclipses any dream or idea from before.

Free Cheese

There’s always free cheese . . . in a mousetrap. ~ bumper sticker seen by Sally Jadlow

A frozen puddle, looks like thick ice,
I'd try it, gingerly, but try it.
The old diet mentality, try a bite,
even a piece, then exercise, starve,
purge, pretend...maybe I can get away
this time. Things abound that I want,
seeming so inane, so minor, why not?
Tell that to my fingers each time I've tried
and been caught in the awful trap...

Staying in the Saddle

Then my appetite reappeared. I quickly surrendered to it, thinking how little will power it would take to get started again. But I couldn’t get restarted, and I learned another truism: It’s easier to stay on than to get on. ~Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2811-2812)

Many years have passed
since I sat astride a horse,
faced the impossibility
of putting a foot in the stirrup
then lifting a leg to the other side.
Impossible because I could not
no matter what the effort.
Instead, I was pushed and shoved
into position, a feat accomplished
with no small effort on my part —
and seriously more by the others involved.
Aching bottom couldn't be helped
for getting off would necessitate
a greater miracle and more chagrin.
Once in the saddle, I think I'll stay
for the whole grand ride.

Humor

Humor is a most important ingredient of love. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Location 3109).

Addiction is serious,
life-threatening, deadly...
but recovering people laugh
at their past, at their beliefs,
at their mistakes, about hurts.
Recovery people laugh
because they've met joy,
have found the solution,
because now, finally, there's hope
and hope makes them laugh
with joy.

All or Nothing

...if we couldn’t be the best, we didn’t want to play the game. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Location 180).

I have to earn your approval,
to tell you honors I've received
or degrees earned or impress
with recondite words.
I cannot compete with you,
haven't audacity to hold myself out
as your equal, anything near your peer.
I hero-worship you, venerate you
from afar, far down the ladder
of relative merit.
Those others, the ones I can denigrate,
those I can easily see myself to best,
to leave in my dust, to be the masses
looking up... The pitiable, the ignoble,
I can treat with gracious compassion.
But I'm lonely, forlorn here, all alone.
And that's all past, buried in those years
when I had no respect for me, no peace.
I've learned the judgements all were lies.
Now, accepting me — and you —
I stand amid friends, nothing to prove,
just real people to love. Including me.

Trust

Our last three "kids" just loaded onto a trailer bound for New Mexico. My mare, Lisa, hasn't loaded in 3 years, but she just climbed right up there and stood quietly waiting for the next move. I remembered one of my friends saying that we take a horse, which is essentially a wild animal, and ask it to get in a little cage and it does because we ask it to and it trusts us. I'll bet God wishes I was as compliant as Lisa. I could learn a lot from that mare. ~ Mary Craig

God, take away my fears
and show me what
you would have me be.
Your will, not mine.
God is the director,
we're the players.
He's the principal,
we the agents.
He's the father
to us, the children.
I don't need to know the path,
the plan, the grand design.
I need only show up,
surrender again
and wait for my marching orders.
And peace comes when, compliant,
we do his will with trust
in love.

Appreciation

Appreciation: ... (3) increase in monetary value: the appreciation of the franc against the dollar. ~ Application to recovery pointed out by Kitt Merritt

Appreciation of people tends to take
other, earlier dictionary definitions —
recognition, enjoyment of qualities,
gratitude, sensitive understanding
of value. But like a well-built house
worth more today than before,
a person appreciates in value
with careful attention,
with care to the maintenance,
to daily inspection, quick repair
of flaws or wear...
Living a life of recovery
makes one more precious today
than any day before.

Smiling Dolphins

Dolphins are mean but they have a smile. ~ Bettsy Paige

Don't judge others' insides
by their outsides.
Look past the smiling face
as well as the disfiguring scars
to the actions,
to the heart showing through,
to the core. Don't see powerless,
insane, unable to manage.
Glimpse the power inside,
and whether it's heeded or not
act yourself as you know
the will of your god would direct
no matter whether the dolphin smiles
or the puppy yelps.

Namaste

Namaste: The God In Me Honors The God In You!

Getting along with people isn't hard
if we get ourselves out of the way.
Whether I love you, hate you, fear you,
prefer eating rocks to bearing your chitchat,
want to meet all your needs, knowing then
you'll need me...getting along is easy.
Just get me and you out of the way,
ridding the encounter of our emotional dreck 
and my power greater than me can greet yours
and love happens and we both thrive.

Leaving Trivial Behind

When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. (Galatians 2: 11-12NIV)

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For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. (Alcoholics Anonymous, Tradition Two)

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Tough call, leaving trivial behind.

Hard job to set aside old prejudice,

see people as people —

not as Jew or Gentile,

not male, female, old, young,

hale, infirm, addict, "normie,"

straight, gay, citizen, stranger.

If behavior stands up, rings true

before God,

why censor it

before disapproving others?

Who is a leader?

One who talks, influences, coerces?

Or one who takes the high road,

the ethical path

no matter what vocal others think?

God, when you show me right,

walk with me,

shoving me in right direction

when you must

but hopefully filling me with

conviction replacing fears.

Gratitude

A year ago today, I could have died.
Of course that's true of each day,
those past and those to come.
But this day last year first responders
talked of how much blood...
Independence is me,
I am independence, resolutely
self-sufficient. Except when I'm not.
Unable to do normal tasks,
suddenly left-handed,
dependent is me.
A year later, self-sufficiency comes easier,
freely passing as able bodied,
the hand a distraction, a nuisance.
A year of learning vulnerability,
dependence, the value of friends
and family... How much better I am
having thought of possibilities
of no longer being.
I'm grateful to countless folk.
May God bless you all.

A Love Poem

It was plain to see that my wife was radiantly happy. All of the differences that we seemed to have been having, all of the tenseness, the worry, confusion, the hectic days and nights that my drinking had poured into our life together, vanished. There was peace. There was real love. There was kindness and consideration. There was everything that goes into the fabric of a happy normal existence together. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 2782-2784)

I love you, my family...
my husband, my sons,
my daughters in love,
my grandsons, sisters,
and all. I wish heartily
that love had rung true
these long years past.
I regret the fear, the envy,
the resentment, the insanity
that drew me inside,
self-absorbed, unable to show
the love these long years past.
I love you, my family.
And I love my new family,
the recovery family,
who taught me to love me,
who showed me through
the barrier, the selfishness,
the fear. Who showed me how
to let the love I've always felt
grow and show and glow.

Enough

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. ~ Meister Eckhart

Three kinds of prayer.
Give me, help me, use me.
Good prayers, each in its way.
Give me serenity to accept...
Help me do your will...
Use me as you choose.
But then the fourth,
the kind that comes
from relationship,
from give and take.
Thanks, God.
For giving me,
helping me,
using me.
Thanks for making me
enough.

Laughing at Me

I’ve tried laughing at myself and I like it. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 417-418).

I hung back, a wallflower,
hiding in the open,
hoping you wouldn't see me
unless you wanted to praise,
to build up, to boost me.
I shut my mouth, watched,
listened, hoped to blend
with curtains, to be innate.
If I should speak, would I blurt
some stupidity, some evidence
of ineptitude? Please,
don't notice me.
Then people pulled me in
by loving me, accepting me,
wanting to hear me no matter what.
I dared to tender tendrils,
to sprout new growth,
to try new things,
and you loved me, accepted me,
wanted more. My heart melted
and I took root, dared speak,
risk, live. And you loved me.
And little by slow
I loved me, accepted me,
dared more. Until I learned
to let you laugh, to clown,
to dare. I learned to laugh
at me.

Not Defiance

Belief meant reliance, not defiance. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 31. Belief. An opinion, a view, an achievement of logic to accept a premise. Shall we discuss, debate, analyze, flesh out? Colleagues collaborating, equals scrutinizing. But belief as tenet, canon, creed, eternal truth... Not equals mutually benefited but a benevolent suzerain with nothing to gain save satisfaction, delight, pleasure in the thrall's growth. When I stop telling the object of my belief the course to take, when I begin to listen and obey then both liege-lord and liege advance.

Simple as Porridge

Haiku, as Jack Kerouac once said, should be as simple as porridge. ~ Michael Dylan Welch

How simple is porridge?
As familiar as nursery rhymes
and mysterious as hasty pudding —
which turns out to be about the same.
Speak of oats – or some other grain —
boiled in milk or water...now that's simple
and that's porridge, so porridge is simple.

Recovery is simple. Really?
My first meeting, only one for twenty years...
gibberish, they spoke. Chanting, rituals,
insanity! Who could get anything from such?
But when they greet you, welcome you,
make sure you can ask questions...
when you sense some kind of hope
amid the gibberish, a tad of peace in the chants...
when recovery becomes comfortable – like oatmeal —
then it's as simple, as familiar, as right
as pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold,
pease porridge in the pot
nine
days
old...

Watering Weeds

Don't water your weeds. ~ Harvey Mackay

I can't get rid on the weeds in my life —
the defects of character —
any more effectively than I could shed pounds
and keep the new weight. I'm powerless over food,
powerless over weight, powerless over willing willpower.
And I have just as little luck ridding my life of fear,
of lying, of stealing, of arrogance, of pride
as I did with weight. Still, while I turn them over,
release control, surrender to God's will
one thing I can do is to cease and desist
the things I do to reinforce the defects,
to hold them tight, to keep these broken crutches handy.
Only God can weed my garden
but I certainly don't have to water the weeds!

Who Are You to Say

“Who are you to say there is no God?” ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Location 851)

My facts are my facts
and I will defend them,
argue them, rationalize them,
stand on them even when doubt
creeps like a vine tangling them,
choking me. I will not listen
to arguments casting doubt —
much less aspersions —
on my facts. My confidence,
my nature, my self resides
smack dab in my facts
and to disavow them,
even to explore them,
could toss me tumbling down
this life's ladder I've built.
I will not question my facts —
until insanity drives me to thresholds
of powerlessness, unmanageability ,
and insanity.

Difficult then Easy

All things are difficult before they are easy. ~ Thomas Fuller

They call it a simple program,
simple but not easy, destruction
of self-centeredness required.
Tough, near-impossible —
to give up a lifelong obsession
with getting it right, finding willpower,
perfection. But little by slow
vision clears from moments of success,
from examples lived by peers.
Then, later – eons later? moments later? —
the unthinkable happens.
A dayful of sanity, of joy, of serenity
without even a passing thought
of the old obsessions, the life of hell,
the past.

Sanity

I feel a calmness and a confidence that produce realistic expectations under adversity. Now that’s sanity. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 455-456).

Sanity. The dictionary says ability to act normally,
rationally. Something a normal person would have,
would do. Something so ethereal, so illusive,
so like a target floating away just out of reach.
How do grab hold it if you're not a normal person?

You don't reach it. You sit calmly in the moment
and calm yourself, understand yourself, feel the force.
Sanity, a gift from a benevolent God who knows what we need
and gifts it!

Just about to the Extent

We discover that we do receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and on our terms. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 104

God, get Joe that job he needs,
the one he liked at the interview.
And make Mary understand
how her actions hurt so many.
I need to find that contract,
so show me where I put it.
And this weight! Get rid of it —
make me a size eight, please.

God, no directives now.
Wait, that's not quite true.
I do ask that you grant serenity
to accept what I can't change —
even by telling you what to do.
I ask you to give me courage
to change what I can change.
And I humbly ask for willingness
to know the difference.
Oh, I know that's not in the prayer.
But it's what I need. Most times
I have the wisdom, just lack
willingness to accept it.
Oh, one more request.
Shut me up and get me to listen
to your list for me.

By Name

God always calls everybody by their name. ~ Sister Bea M

A politician singled me out
picked me from a throng
gathered in a coliseum
weeks after we'd met,
called to me, knew me,
went back to bring his wife
to meet me. How special I felt!

God can look out over the whole world,
see millions and millions of people
and focus in on me, call me by name,
know me, love me, lead me.

What's there to Lose?

There is nothing to lose in seeking the God of my understanding except my false pride, my food obsession, my fat and all the life-destroying illusions that this illness breeds. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 323-324)

What would I give up for recovery?
My loneliness, belief I had no friends.
My massive body, size 28 clothes,
chaffed thighs, broken furniture,
worn down sides of shoes.
My insecurity, relying on others
for thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes,
plans for the day, the week, my life.
My misery, hating the trap I lived in
but unable to bring myself to spring it.
My insecurity, believing with three degrees
I couldn't support myself, my sons.
My mastery of the art of lying.
My rationalization, excuses, anger,
hatred, apathy, emptiness...
I don't have any of this collateral now
but I know where to find it
if I forget to cherish Recovery.

Giving Eating Away

My work is to give my eating to Him each day. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 404)

I'd have told you
I could manage everything,
that I needed nothing,
that God and people
weren't listening.
I can manage nothing,
I need a God in charge of everything,
who manages the whole shebang.
I'm not just observing.
I've got responsibilities...
to turn my will and life over,
to seek nothing for myself alone,
to shut up, show up and do. God manages
me, my food, my life, my thoughts
as long as I allow it. The trade-off, though,
makes it all worthwhile. He makes me sane
and my plain life awesome!

Jump In!

When your pants are on fire and you're standing by a river don't ask why, just jump in. ~ Kristen (paraphrase)

Analysis has been my mainstay
but has become my stake,
the stick that holds me fast —
but to my peril. Faced with options
my head debates, analyzes, categorizes,
diagrams, digests, scrutinizes, probes,
evaluates, equivocates, immobilizes.
Braininess is fine, but only after asking
freedom from self-pity, from lying,
from self-seeking. Then analysis
becomes sharp enough to decline
the proffered stake, choosing life.