My Feet

Ugly feet, calloused, nails ignored
I sit before him, apologetically.
Aware of hirsute legs, uneven nails
I cringe at his touch, insecure,
embarrassed, chagrined.
How can I ask for a pedicure now?
I remember the compulsion
to clean the house before the maid.
Jesus acted the servant, washing feet
as future saints cringed, demurred,
unwilling, ashamed.
I am not worthy. I deserve no such favor.
But grace takes no measure of merit,
only of love, of acceptance, of yes.

Accountant Needed

I seriously need a personal "accountant" (and it's not the tax kind) to sit on my shoulder 24/7 that I have to be "accountable" to, and I'm pretty sure we all have the same one watching over us...... if I would just listen more closely :/ ~ Julie O'Neal Campbell

An accountant? A keeper I need,
someone to tell me where to go,
what to do. But an accountant as well...
someone to set the agenda, establish goals
and guide me properly, safely, wisely.
I'd deny the need though my past maps
the life I can create, the mess I've made
again, again and another time.
I need a keeper, an accountant, a guide.
Or, perhaps, I need only stop,
seek, listen
and obey.

Warm Blanket of Denial

No comfort comes from ripping off the warm blanket of denial. ~ Julie Trudeau

I see mistakes you make
and know you need strength,
to get real. Compelled to confront,
I set out your failures, your lies.
I'd do you the favor
of granting accountability,
of showing you the truth.
Why don't you see I'm helping you?
Won't you listen to me?
Why don't you see I love you?

You Know What You Are

If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace for you know what you are. ~ Mother Theresa

Knowing what I am
has terrified me,
haunted me,
felt done, complete,
identified as odious.
But I'm not what I was,
and knowing what I am
is knowing surrender,
willingness, discipleship,
a life of peace, of joy,
of love.

Built to Be

We were built to be inefficient because efficient would be a king telling us how to do things. ~ (prompt I saved who knows from WHAT source last August!)

We could be perfect,
built that way.
How easy things would be...
but if we were, decisions?
Unnecessary. Only one way,
no freedom to make mistakes.
Like marionettes controlled
stringlessly but managed
all the same, perfectly,
efficiently. But I have options,
the right to silly moves,
the choice to do – to be — wrong.
Then when I get it right
even a bit, just brush up against it
I've done it. And I have the right
to be controlled, but only
if I choose.

Deeply Realized

Then I was seized with a thought: I am going to get drunk. Our no, maybe I won't get drunk; maybe I'll just go into that bar and drink some ginger ale and scrape up an acquaintance. Then I panicked. That was really a gift! I had never panicked before at the threat of alcohol. Maybe this meant my sanity had been restored. I remembered that in trying to help other people, I had stayed sober myself. For the first time I deeply realized it. ~ Bill Wilson, Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, page 65

Oh, I know compulsive eating —
a disease, they say, a deadly one.
Interesting concept, I see the argument.
Sure, I want to be restored to sanity,
but I'm certainly not not sane!
I work this program, consistently,
enthusiastically — most of the time.

I know the truths of Recovery.
Do I deeply realize them, though?

Only a Step

As we have seen, self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. It is a step in the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God's help. Yet it is only a step. ~  Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous

Easy answer, please.
Not just simple, not merely clear
but easy, effortless, no sweat.
Instead we get a maze
with turn after turn, room after room,
each finer and more pleasant than before
but between the rooms discomfort,
self-searching, acquisition of hard truths.
Sure, we pick up fine mementos
of vision, action, grace as tools to wield,
yet on the way to humility feeling like humiliation,
we move on, receiving God's help the whole way.
Then we find more layers of growth,
more knowledge and hope, a step
beyond the step, to greater glory
before moving on to the next.

I Got Away with It-Ism

When I nibbled at the edges,
chipped away at pieces,
ate just one, a small bite,
got away with it...or so it seemed...
a pattern emerged, and grew,
swelled, blossomed.
A disease, a malady
with symptoms others didn't see
but I knew. And shame grew.
And patterns were set
until I sought the cure
for the dreaded old disease,
I got away with it-ism.

The Fudge of Life

An early recollection is one of looking up and seeing that vast and mysterious mountain and wondering whether I would ever climb that high. But I was presently distracted by my aunt who, as a fourth birthday present, made me a plate of fudge. For the next thirty-five years I pursued the fudge of life and quite forgot about the mountain. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, 52-53

I stand, looking at the mountain,
distracted by the computer game
or TV show or Facebook.
I know I long for the mountain,
don't really forget it, but for now
a game, a show, a status...
Can I settle for an artful print
of someone else's photo atop it?
Can I write of what it might be
should I venture out? Can I just wait
and hope someday, by some miracle,
to sprout wings and fly? Or must I act,
do the next right thing, to make that dream
come true?

The Great Not Me

God is whatever you can hang onto —
at least in the beginning.
Something greater, something needed,
ached for, dreamed of...not expected.
This power can be the group,
universal good, the power of love,
a mighty oak. Names don't matter...
Great Spirit, I Am,
GUS – grin, "Guy Upstairs."
Howard – Howard be thy name?
Rules are just we need to come to believe
some such power could make us sane
again, perhaps, or for the first time.
Then we made a decision to trust,
to release, to surrender to something —
anything — not me and more than me,
The Great Not Me.

Somebody Else

Everybody around here
used to be somebody else.
It’s just what happens.
We can't sit in these rooms
with half an ear open,
with any inclination to wish,
with despair at our lives
with hopelessness
and not catch a taste,
see a hint,
have a fertile seed of hope.
And when that wall we've set up
begins to erode, springs a tiny leak
then the flood of recovery
will follow, washing away who we were
and leaving somebody else.

Guilt Riddance

The surprising news for many of us is that every unloving encounter with someone else is an opportunity to deal with guilt. What this means is that we see ourselves in others. Always. ~ Karen Casey

"Every unloving encounter."
Cleaned up description, it is.
Temper tantrum, peevishness,
petulance, passive aggressiveness...
resentment, old hurt, jealousy.
I see it in you instantly
for I know it well,
having fought my demon
of the same vein every day
of my life.

Faith that Works

This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 31.

Sunday school faith,
sermon sanctification,
Christian piety. The creeds
of the devout.
We assign religion to its place.
But faith knows no cage,
cannot be contained,
permeates the universe.
Faith, if we surrender to it,
works under all conditions.

Saltines

Sometimes people are like broken saltines, cracked in pieces. You handle them too rough, you ain't got nothing but crumbs. ~ Twist of Faith

Handling most folk gently —
sure, I can do that, naturally.
Handling me too rough
comes easier, faster, is the default.
I don't know how to love me.
I don't know how not to break
at the cracks and make more,
how to hold together, one cracker,
worthy not to be called derisive names,
to be a saltine or even a club cracker.
I have worth. I deserve to be loved
even by me.

Stand by the Fire

Who has not made mistakes in life. Do you know Psalm 130?...Well, when you want to stay warm you stand by the fire. ~ Jacob in Twist of Faith
Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption. ~ Psalm 130:7 NIV

Stand by the fire.
Don't look for warmth, for comfort
in the icy wilderness. Don't seek heat
in a frozen wasteland. Go to the source,
the life, the hot-blooded warm-hearted,
the wellspring. When you need love
go where it grows, where it warms
heart and hand, where you're loved.
Energy awaits your melancholia,
ardor your depression, your despair,
your hopelessness. Love stands ready
to welcome you home.

Terror and Dread

I was using food so I didn't have to be different from other people. I could fit in. I could be "normal." My terror and dread of being different, of not being accepted or approved of, was being taken care of by food.  ~ A New Beginning page 20

Food as a tool, something to "fix" me,
to have a common bond, to blend in.
Oh, though, had they known how I used,
how I abused the food when they weren't there
when I could get by — or think I was —
while hiding my stash, plotting and planning,
wishing they'd go to bed, anxious to try,
to taste, to relax in decadence.
So, I used food to fit in, hoping against hope
they wouldn't see me as I hid in the open,
drove from one store to another, buying one sweet
after the same from another store, knowing the while
these people I wanted to impress would roll with amazment
if they saw what I hid from them trying to use it
just to fit in...

I Surrender All

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

Surrender. I've known the feeling,
felt the spirit, bowed to mercy,
lived in love. I've lived in faith,
served with wonder, soared to heights
and lived in peace.
I've destroyed a life of blessings
wandered aimlessly, lost and  cold.
I'm not excluded for my folly,
am welcome back with open arms.
Grateful, humble, I stand before You.
I surrender all.

Pardon My Asking, Lord

Lord, did you hesitate, waffle or pause
before touching the crusted and unseeing eyes?
Did the odor distract from your virtuous cause,
did the man disappear amid lice and the flies?

How did you feel when the leprous came
calling “Unclean!” as the Hebrews required?
Were you repulsed by the old and the lame
reeking with filth and with feculence mired?

Probably not. I guess perfected love
overlooks filth, can set foulness aside.
Love in its essence would tower above
bias, see vile folk beautified.

Perfect I’m not. But you told me to be
and your life is my model, your spirit my goal.
Lord, hear my prayer. Give me grace, set me free
to bypass my hang-ups, to love every soul.

Let me shake any hand when a tender is made,
hold the patient with AIDS in a heartfelt embrace.
Inmates and homeless I would greet unafraid,
passing to others the strength of your grace.

We

...most of the world doesn't understand scribblers. We're loners. We're odd. Our thoughts go off on tangents and we tell bad jokes. ~ Michael T. Huyck, Jr.

Everybody hates me,
nobody likes me
I'm going out to eat worms.
I'm the only one to feel that way
except for those who know the verse,
or feel it, even the first time.
Like most folk I know.
Scribblers sit alone in their writing,
addicts come together,
laugh at awful things, devastating before,
now the fodder to guide, to bond,
to assure worm-eaters they're not alone.
Most of the world doesn't understand us.
We're loners, we're odd.
Our thoughts wander on tangents
to the tune of bad jokes...
and collegial laughter.

What We're Prepared For

The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend. ~ Robertson Davies

The solution was always here,
before me, staring at me,
waiting for me.
The solution has never changed
but when I changed,
when I accepted some truths —
of powerlessness,
of inability to manage,
that perhaps some power could —
only then did the blinders fall off
so I could at long last see
what had always been
right there in the open, waiting.

Cooperate

So cooperate; never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1220-1221)

Inanimate ideas
owned by living folk
who hear their creation crushed
and feel the force, own it.
Yet to build on that,
accepting while modifying
includes all, accepts all,
affirms. What makes the change?
Love. Acceptance. Honor
for every person, for their worth.
Even when needed change
would come in lives, love,
acceptance, honor
lead the way.

Stuck?

If we're stuck in the past
its resentment.
If were stuck on the future
its fear.
If we stay in the present,
acknowledge the past
for making us who we are,
for readying us to serve,
for examples to help others
we free ourselves from shame,
from resentment, from anger.
If we leave the future to a Power
able to handle it, surrender control,
do today's next right thing,
then we're living the serenity prayer,
stuck in peace and love.

Recycling

Recycling...it's not relapse but recycling, feels like the same place but it's on a higher plane. ~ Anne B

Paul said, "What I would do,
I don't; what I don't want to do,
I do." Don't I know the feeling!
Like a game of Mother May I,
I follow the rules, move forward,
then get cocky and don't...
just once, just when I have the chance
to take several long steps. But it's back
to the beginning, starting over.
But not quite. I'm better at the rules,
listen, know the tricks. It may feel
the same as all the way to the beginning,
but it's not. I still need to move ahead,
to learn to do it, to quit presuming I can
if I just behave, just have the willpower.
I've learned about who I am, what I can do
and even when I have to learn again
the path is familiar, I know the way.

Not So!

How much does she know that isn't so? ~ Rugh Limbaugh

How much did I know
that wasn't so?
That I was superior,
smart, able to do
what others failed.
That with willpower —
just a bit more —
I could conquer anything.

I didn't know willpower
served no purpose against this —
this disease, this addiction,
this insanity.  I saw no worth
in those around me, lacking IQ,
short on vocabulary, uneducated.
I couldn't believe them my equals,
my peers, people from whom
I might learn.

I didn't know the God I professed
cared enough to help with my food,
to stanch the sugary river ending
in the ocean of my neediness.
That he would and could when I hinted
ever so slightly, as timidly as could be,
my willingness.

I didn't know the ocean of love,
the acres of care, the universe of help
waiting for me to know
what I didn't know.

Various Haiku

major project...chaos afoot
real pressure
call of comfort food
refrigerator seducing
food addict
a magnet
rooms of recovery
loving people
living room
make a meeting
recovery in concert
welcome home
decades of gluttony overcome
a flavorful bite endows joy

It Has to Happen

Once we truly make the leap to believe, no matter what, that a power greater than ourselves will restore us to sanity and will take care of every other issue in our lives as well, we cannot ever fail to recover, and the compulsion to binge disappears. It has to happen! ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 758-760).

It has to happen.
Cause and effect,
the laws of physics,
the basic truths
of the universe,
it has to happen.
Inevitable, sure,
certain, assured,
unavoidable.
It has to happen.
IF I truly make
the leap to believe.

God Is a River

God is a river, watering my life,
nourishing the dormant seeds
of creativity and confidence,
of love.
God is the bubbling spring
and the endless ocean,
the beginning and the end.
When I open myself
to know what is within,
when I allow the power
and majesty of God
to not merely pass through me
but to be integrated,
when I become one with the flow,
then all I could ever need is mine,
and I am wealthy
beyond any possibility of hope,
the true wealth of peace.

Too Much in My Head

Inside my head, insane, unable to cope,
unwilling to admit a lack of power,
an incapacity, a self-proclaimed failure —
but only in my mind, proclaimed to shame,
declared to reinforce. To the world,
I must appear perfect, indefatigable,
invincible.
When the charade draws to a close,
when I find people who tell my story
so convincingly, so completely,
so spookily on the mark...
when I escape from the cage of my head
it's then I find that mind I lost...

Keep on Walking

Sometimes it's good to know you don't have to turn your life around. You are on the right road and simply need to keep moving forward. ~ Maureen G

Stasis. Standing still,
resting on the promises...
or my laurels?
Benches along the path
just call for resting,
for catching breath,
for letting understanding
catch up. Yet the bench
holds no hope of permanence,
grows hard and tiring soon.
Time to move on, follow the course,
find that pot of gold at rainbow's end,
treasure the gold dust along the way.

Tulloch Castle. (Read stopping at benches on the hike up the hill.)

Lying Optimism

Half our misery comes from our lying optimism about ourselves. ~ Bill Pittman, Dick B., Courage To Change (p. 61).

As a child I pretended to be a princess,
part of Queen Elizabeth's children,
the adopted one. Other times I could fly,
or make a home under the sea
made and furnished with turtle shells.
I still make up stories, play the hero,
save the world or at least a major chunk.
But inside I know – just don't want you to —
how foolish, how pretentious, how frivolous it is...
And, when I give up the pretense,
I know that if I admit I'm powerless,
that I can't control, cannot manage,
if I surrender then suddenly it feels
like I can fly...

Judgmental

The fattest abstinent person at a meeting is in a better place than I am if I don’t have abstinence. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2834-2835).

Arrogance. Pretty darned high
on that list of character defects,
my shortcomings, the things
I've admitted objectionable.
I'll find myself superior
any way I can,
comparing my outside
to your inside, or my inside
to your outside,
depending on where I shine.
Not for long, though, for deep within
I know the awful truth, my slips,
my failures, my "little white lies"
and remember how good it feels
when I clean my side of the street
and leave yours alone.

Fragmented

Insanity is like being fragmented. Sanity is like being whole. ~ Elizabeth

Falling to pieces, coming apart at the seams,
holding life together with duct tape
the whole world is nuts...and so am I.
Then, hopeless, giving up, unable to cope
or manage or carry on, I surrender.
Something or someone else might could,
but not me. Perhaps a higher-up,
a god or something could, not me.
Funny thing, giving up...the pieces meld,
the shards take shape, puzzle pieces match.
Renovation, the rebuilt structure
eclipses any dream or idea from before.

Free Cheese

There’s always free cheese . . . in a mousetrap. ~ bumper sticker seen by Sally Jadlow

A frozen puddle, looks like thick ice,
I'd try it, gingerly, but try it.
The old diet mentality, try a bite,
even a piece, then exercise, starve,
purge, pretend...maybe I can get away
this time. Things abound that I want,
seeming so inane, so minor, why not?
Tell that to my fingers each time I've tried
and been caught in the awful trap...

Staying in the Saddle

Then my appetite reappeared. I quickly surrendered to it, thinking how little will power it would take to get started again. But I couldn’t get restarted, and I learned another truism: It’s easier to stay on than to get on. ~Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2811-2812)

Many years have passed
since I sat astride a horse,
faced the impossibility
of putting a foot in the stirrup
then lifting a leg to the other side.
Impossible because I could not
no matter what the effort.
Instead, I was pushed and shoved
into position, a feat accomplished
with no small effort on my part —
and seriously more by the others involved.
Aching bottom couldn't be helped
for getting off would necessitate
a greater miracle and more chagrin.
Once in the saddle, I think I'll stay
for the whole grand ride.

Humor

Humor is a most important ingredient of love. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Location 3109).

Addiction is serious,
life-threatening, deadly...
but recovering people laugh
at their past, at their beliefs,
at their mistakes, about hurts.
Recovery people laugh
because they've met joy,
have found the solution,
because now, finally, there's hope
and hope makes them laugh
with joy.

All or Nothing

...if we couldn’t be the best, we didn’t want to play the game. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Location 180).

I have to earn your approval,
to tell you honors I've received
or degrees earned or impress
with recondite words.
I cannot compete with you,
haven't audacity to hold myself out
as your equal, anything near your peer.
I hero-worship you, venerate you
from afar, far down the ladder
of relative merit.
Those others, the ones I can denigrate,
those I can easily see myself to best,
to leave in my dust, to be the masses
looking up... The pitiable, the ignoble,
I can treat with gracious compassion.
But I'm lonely, forlorn here, all alone.
And that's all past, buried in those years
when I had no respect for me, no peace.
I've learned the judgements all were lies.
Now, accepting me — and you —
I stand amid friends, nothing to prove,
just real people to love. Including me.

Trust

Our last three "kids" just loaded onto a trailer bound for New Mexico. My mare, Lisa, hasn't loaded in 3 years, but she just climbed right up there and stood quietly waiting for the next move. I remembered one of my friends saying that we take a horse, which is essentially a wild animal, and ask it to get in a little cage and it does because we ask it to and it trusts us. I'll bet God wishes I was as compliant as Lisa. I could learn a lot from that mare. ~ Mary Craig

God, take away my fears
and show me what
you would have me be.
Your will, not mine.
God is the director,
we're the players.
He's the principal,
we the agents.
He's the father
to us, the children.
I don't need to know the path,
the plan, the grand design.
I need only show up,
surrender again
and wait for my marching orders.
And peace comes when, compliant,
we do his will with trust
in love.

Appreciation

Appreciation: ... (3) increase in monetary value: the appreciation of the franc against the dollar. ~ Application to recovery pointed out by Kitt Merritt

Appreciation of people tends to take
other, earlier dictionary definitions —
recognition, enjoyment of qualities,
gratitude, sensitive understanding
of value. But like a well-built house
worth more today than before,
a person appreciates in value
with careful attention,
with care to the maintenance,
to daily inspection, quick repair
of flaws or wear...
Living a life of recovery
makes one more precious today
than any day before.

Smiling Dolphins

Dolphins are mean but they have a smile. ~ Bettsy Paige

Don't judge others' insides
by their outsides.
Look past the smiling face
as well as the disfiguring scars
to the actions,
to the heart showing through,
to the core. Don't see powerless,
insane, unable to manage.
Glimpse the power inside,
and whether it's heeded or not
act yourself as you know
the will of your god would direct
no matter whether the dolphin smiles
or the puppy yelps.

Namaste

Namaste: The God In Me Honors The God In You!

Getting along with people isn't hard
if we get ourselves out of the way.
Whether I love you, hate you, fear you,
prefer eating rocks to bearing your chitchat,
want to meet all your needs, knowing then
you'll need me...getting along is easy.
Just get me and you out of the way,
ridding the encounter of our emotional dreck 
and my power greater than me can greet yours
and love happens and we both thrive.

Leaving Trivial Behind

When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. (Galatians 2: 11-12NIV)

---

---

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. (Alcoholics Anonymous, Tradition Two)

---

---

Tough call, leaving trivial behind.

Hard job to set aside old prejudice,

see people as people —

not as Jew or Gentile,

not male, female, old, young,

hale, infirm, addict, "normie,"

straight, gay, citizen, stranger.

If behavior stands up, rings true

before God,

why censor it

before disapproving others?

Who is a leader?

One who talks, influences, coerces?

Or one who takes the high road,

the ethical path

no matter what vocal others think?

God, when you show me right,

walk with me,

shoving me in right direction

when you must

but hopefully filling me with

conviction replacing fears.

Gratitude

A year ago today, I could have died.
Of course that's true of each day,
those past and those to come.
But this day last year first responders
talked of how much blood...
Independence is me,
I am independence, resolutely
self-sufficient. Except when I'm not.
Unable to do normal tasks,
suddenly left-handed,
dependent is me.
A year later, self-sufficiency comes easier,
freely passing as able bodied,
the hand a distraction, a nuisance.
A year of learning vulnerability,
dependence, the value of friends
and family... How much better I am
having thought of possibilities
of no longer being.
I'm grateful to countless folk.
May God bless you all.

A Love Poem

It was plain to see that my wife was radiantly happy. All of the differences that we seemed to have been having, all of the tenseness, the worry, confusion, the hectic days and nights that my drinking had poured into our life together, vanished. There was peace. There was real love. There was kindness and consideration. There was everything that goes into the fabric of a happy normal existence together. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 2782-2784)

I love you, my family...
my husband, my sons,
my daughters in love,
my grandsons, sisters,
and all. I wish heartily
that love had rung true
these long years past.
I regret the fear, the envy,
the resentment, the insanity
that drew me inside,
self-absorbed, unable to show
the love these long years past.
I love you, my family.
And I love my new family,
the recovery family,
who taught me to love me,
who showed me through
the barrier, the selfishness,
the fear. Who showed me how
to let the love I've always felt
grow and show and glow.

Enough

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. ~ Meister Eckhart

Three kinds of prayer.
Give me, help me, use me.
Good prayers, each in its way.
Give me serenity to accept...
Help me do your will...
Use me as you choose.
But then the fourth,
the kind that comes
from relationship,
from give and take.
Thanks, God.
For giving me,
helping me,
using me.
Thanks for making me
enough.

Laughing at Me

I’ve tried laughing at myself and I like it. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 417-418).

I hung back, a wallflower,
hiding in the open,
hoping you wouldn't see me
unless you wanted to praise,
to build up, to boost me.
I shut my mouth, watched,
listened, hoped to blend
with curtains, to be innate.
If I should speak, would I blurt
some stupidity, some evidence
of ineptitude? Please,
don't notice me.
Then people pulled me in
by loving me, accepting me,
wanting to hear me no matter what.
I dared to tender tendrils,
to sprout new growth,
to try new things,
and you loved me, accepted me,
wanted more. My heart melted
and I took root, dared speak,
risk, live. And you loved me.
And little by slow
I loved me, accepted me,
dared more. Until I learned
to let you laugh, to clown,
to dare. I learned to laugh
at me.

Not Defiance

Belief meant reliance, not defiance. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 31. Belief. An opinion, a view, an achievement of logic to accept a premise. Shall we discuss, debate, analyze, flesh out? Colleagues collaborating, equals scrutinizing. But belief as tenet, canon, creed, eternal truth... Not equals mutually benefited but a benevolent suzerain with nothing to gain save satisfaction, delight, pleasure in the thrall's growth. When I stop telling the object of my belief the course to take, when I begin to listen and obey then both liege-lord and liege advance.

Simple as Porridge

Haiku, as Jack Kerouac once said, should be as simple as porridge. ~ Michael Dylan Welch

How simple is porridge?
As familiar as nursery rhymes
and mysterious as hasty pudding —
which turns out to be about the same.
Speak of oats – or some other grain —
boiled in milk or water...now that's simple
and that's porridge, so porridge is simple.

Recovery is simple. Really?
My first meeting, only one for twenty years...
gibberish, they spoke. Chanting, rituals,
insanity! Who could get anything from such?
But when they greet you, welcome you,
make sure you can ask questions...
when you sense some kind of hope
amid the gibberish, a tad of peace in the chants...
when recovery becomes comfortable – like oatmeal —
then it's as simple, as familiar, as right
as pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold,
pease porridge in the pot
nine
days
old...

Watering Weeds

Don't water your weeds. ~ Harvey Mackay

I can't get rid on the weeds in my life —
the defects of character —
any more effectively than I could shed pounds
and keep the new weight. I'm powerless over food,
powerless over weight, powerless over willing willpower.
And I have just as little luck ridding my life of fear,
of lying, of stealing, of arrogance, of pride
as I did with weight. Still, while I turn them over,
release control, surrender to God's will
one thing I can do is to cease and desist
the things I do to reinforce the defects,
to hold them tight, to keep these broken crutches handy.
Only God can weed my garden
but I certainly don't have to water the weeds!

Who Are You to Say

“Who are you to say there is no God?” ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Location 851)

My facts are my facts
and I will defend them,
argue them, rationalize them,
stand on them even when doubt
creeps like a vine tangling them,
choking me. I will not listen
to arguments casting doubt —
much less aspersions —
on my facts. My confidence,
my nature, my self resides
smack dab in my facts
and to disavow them,
even to explore them,
could toss me tumbling down
this life's ladder I've built.
I will not question my facts —
until insanity drives me to thresholds
of powerlessness, unmanageability ,
and insanity.

Difficult then Easy

All things are difficult before they are easy. ~ Thomas Fuller

They call it a simple program,
simple but not easy, destruction
of self-centeredness required.
Tough, near-impossible —
to give up a lifelong obsession
with getting it right, finding willpower,
perfection. But little by slow
vision clears from moments of success,
from examples lived by peers.
Then, later – eons later? moments later? —
the unthinkable happens.
A dayful of sanity, of joy, of serenity
without even a passing thought
of the old obsessions, the life of hell,
the past.

Sanity

I feel a calmness and a confidence that produce realistic expectations under adversity. Now that’s sanity. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 455-456).

Sanity. The dictionary says ability to act normally,
rationally. Something a normal person would have,
would do. Something so ethereal, so illusive,
so like a target floating away just out of reach.
How do grab hold it if you're not a normal person?

You don't reach it. You sit calmly in the moment
and calm yourself, understand yourself, feel the force.
Sanity, a gift from a benevolent God who knows what we need
and gifts it!