Life in Between

The turning point came at age 27 when my sister Twelve Stepped me into OA. I had witnessed her life of hopeless eating. Within days of starting in OA, she had a sponsor and a plan of eating. I watched her change before my eyes into a loving person who had life between meals. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Third Edition (Kindle Locations 604-606).

You can hide your nature from co-workers,
from acquaintances, from people with whom
you socialize. But family members, close friends,
your inner circle knows you, sees you, understands
sometimes better than you do, your nature, your habits,
your foibles. We can sometimes hide from ourselves,
but they see us. What an accomplishment, for a sister to say,
"I had witnessed her life of hopeless eating.
Within days of starting in OA,
she had a sponsor and a plan of eating.
I watched her change before my eyes
into a loving person who had life between meals."
We are the message. I pray that I may be the message,
I don't need to live for food. I eat but meals aren't life.
That's the meaningful things I do between the meals.

Something's Wrong with Me!

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. ~ AA World Services Inc. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (p. 90).

There's a difference between rebuilding self-esteem,
if not creating it, and identifying my part in an inventory.
Yes, of course someone else may have been wrong as well,
but if I'm disturbed, it's my part, my actions and reactions,
that are the cause. Perhaps I was arrogant, believing I was right
and blaming their misconception...thinking surely it was
deliberate, devious, calculated, malicious. Perhaps
my reaction was fear, believing they disregarded my needs,
my safety, my failure to prepare, Perhaps they had a duty
to do something I wanted done and filed to meet my schedule.
No matter what "they"did, it is a spiritual axiom
that every time I am disturbed, no matter what the cause,
there is something wrong with me.
An axiom is a statement or proposition
that is regarded as being established,
accepted, or self-evidently true. I have no control over
"their" acts or words, only over mine.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
It's my responsibility to change myself.

My Time

If I'm a good girl, will you like me?
Why do I feel the necessity to barter
for appreciation? Is that my only path
to self-esteem? How do I feel about myself,
so how do I treat myself? Do I delegate,
outsource my emotional process
to something or someone else
that backfires? Am I defensive
about being seen...really seen..?
I want to defend myself, mold what you think
about me. I want to amend me, to fix me
to be as I want to seem. I want control
of how you see me so you feel good
because I let you seem good.
So I'm happy to be with troubled folk
for I look good, and they are happy
and I can take care of them, suiting us both.
Until the care-taking is noxious
and I'm empty, I can no longer comfort them,
can't make them happy, I'm a failure.
I'm empty, depleted, exhausted.
I have to discover my ability to achieve.
I must learn to say,"I need help"
and allow myself to receive it.
I need to claim my time
so I can find self-respect and
find a surplus so, having, I can give.
It's my time to feel, to express feelings,
to have serenity, and to discover self-respect.

Major source: YouTube -- How to control emotion and influence behavior | Dawn Goldworm

Love of Money

Those who love money will never have enough. How meaningless to think that wealth brings true happiness! The more you have, the more people come to help you spend it. So what good is wealth – except perhaps to watch it slip through your fingers! ~ Ecclesiastes 5:10-11 NLT

So, how do you get it?
True happiness.
Fly first class?
Go to exotic places?
I’ve tried the second,
not the first exactly.
Fun while it lasts.
Sort of.
Gift giving?
Sometimes. And sometimes
I resent the gift I gave.
Life’s easier with it,
the money.
But with enough,
not with too much.

Thanks for the money.
I know it’s in trust.
So use it —
and me —
as you will.

From A TIME FOR VERSE

Lost and Found

“I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess.”  ~ Martin Luther, Family Groups, Al-Anon. Courage to Change—One Day at a Time in Al‑Anon II 

My hands, I drop what I hold
or need to pick up something else,
put the other somewhere I falsely believe
I can find it. I can't. God can.
I hope to heck I have the courage
and forethought and trust
to let Him have it so that
when I need it most
it's there for me, safe and sound.

Emotionally Sober

I went to an open AA/al anon/family meeting tonight with my husband (he had asked a couple weeks ago and it’s the first Friday I could go). It was really good and I’m very glad I went. I’m pretty emotionally raw tho, for sure. I’m considering this my emotional sobriety day 1. This includes food. Because emotionally sober people don’t use food (or controlling or perfectionism or anger, etc) to cope. I am going to do what I need to do, what the program asks. ~ MG

Are you emotionally raw?
a health professional told me Friday
my emotions were skewed,
over the top. So when this friend
used the phrase "emotionally raw"
I knew what she meant,
how she felt. Do I need a day as
my emotional sobriety day
in addition to a day of beginning abstinence?
Maybe if I did my abstinence day
would find fewer bumps in the road
to derail my food. I need
an emotional abstinence, too.
Today works for me. What about you?

Confess Your Own Sins

Even A.A. oldtimers,...will tell how they tried to carry the load alone; how much they suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression; and how, unconsciously seeking relief, they would sometimes accuse even their best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal. They always discovered that relief never came by confessing the sins of other people. Everybody had to confess his own. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (p. 56). AA World Services, Inc. Kindle Edition.

It's so much easier to tell you what you're doing wrong,
to inventory my housemate's shortcomings,
but that list...not helping to change sheets
on his bed, for instance while I do his resenting the deed
and leave my own for week after week after week,
changing them only when company will sleep there.
He sits in the house,  his life defined by television,
and while that draws my censure, my phone
has alarms set to avoid missing Jeopardy.
I can critique his piles, but at least he has me
stack them neatly. My piles are heaps awaiting
that great time of setting the junk in order!
I have They always discovered that relief never comes
by confessing the sins of other people.
I must confess my own.

The Set Aside Prayer

In Recovery they say, "There are none too dumb
for the 12 step program - but many are too smart."
and that, "The smartest thing an AA member can say
is, 'help me.'" Someone, in reading the chapter
"To the Agnostic" in the Big Book put thought together
to create the "Set Aside Prayer" along these lines:
"Dear God please help me to set aside
everything I think I know about [fill in the blank]
so I may have an open mind and a new experience.
Please help me to see the truth about [fill in the blank]
AMEN." Now all I need is not to believe the simple words
too dumb but instead to be smart enough to pray it
as often as needed.

The Timing

And if you will relax and begin saying, "Everything in its perfect time. Everything is unfolding. And I'm enjoying where I am now, in relationship to where I'm going. Content where I am, and eager for more," that is the perfect vibrational stance. ~ Abraham

How do you know you're where you need to be?
Some of it is obvious, having an abstinent food plan
and following it. Having a sponsor and reporting.
Going to meetings, doing service, reading, writing,
working the steps, at least the last three...
That makes sense, rings true, is an easy checkmark.
But we tend to be perfectionists, to need to go to extremes.
and not know where to stop. But as we pray for serenity,
we need to take time to feel our feelings,
and if we are enjoying where we are at that moment,
stand in the path we choose to take,
if we are enjoying where I am now, content where we are,
and eager for more, we are just where we need to be.

Dispelling Arrogance

Not knowing is a state we all visit at times.
Denying we don't know from arrogance
is a decision to remain in that state,
a choice of living in arrogance.
Contentment with not knowing is to welcome
the misery of confusion,
to opt that good enough is good enough.
To turn your life and your will
over to the God of your understanding
is to welcome improvement
and choose not to agonize
over your own limitations
but to accept the loving guidance
of someone who wants more for you
than you could ever accomplish
through your own determination.

Needing a Nudge

So I pray for the willingness to do whatever my Higher Power nudges me to do. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 3988-3989).

I hadn't realized dictionaries suggest an elbow nudge:
to push slightly or gently, especially with the elbow, 
to get someone's attention, prod someone into action, etc.
But I see the logic of it, know people I trust whose suggestion
with the touch of an elbow or the pointing of a finger
communicate completely what they think I should do.
If I'm that attuned to my Higher Power,
can the nudge not be a thought, an idea, a feeling,
enough to let me know what the phrase not my will
but yours means at that instant.
So I pray for the willingness to do
whatever my Higher Power nudges me to do.

Fresh Air

Stale scents from body odor,
proximity to food odor,
in our disease we can ignore
cleanliness, productivity.
Change is right, though
when our lives reflect Recovery,
for our past bad acts were smelly
but in these rooms, in Recovery,
The air is so fresh up here.

Simple, Not Easy

 They're simple, not easy.
Twelve steps,
Eleven hundred forty-five characters,
Two hundred one of those spaces.
"Awakening, principles, meditation,
overeaters, and unmanageable"
the only words with four or more syllables,
thirty-two two-letter words,
Memorize the steps in a day,
work through them in a few months,
but spend the rest of your life
understanding what they mean.

Fear of Complacency

There is one fear that I hope my Higher Power never relieves me of: the fear of complacency. ~ Voices of Recovery, page 347

The Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous
tells us "What we really have
is a daily reprieve contingent
on the maintenance of our
spiritual condition.
Every day is a day when we must carry
the vision of God’s will into all of our activities."
That's the danger of complacency,
a feeling of smug or uncritical satisfaction
with oneself or one's achievements.
That has no place in Recovery.
There is one fear that I hope
my Higher Power never relieves me of:
the fear of complacency.

The Key to God's Inner Sanctuary

So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. Jesus has already gone in there for us. He has become our eternal High Priest in the order of Melchizedek. ~ Hebrews 6:18-20 (NLT)
Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 65

It’s impossible for God
to lie.
Well, I’m better at that than God —
if being able to is better
but it’s not. I know.
I’ve lived that life, lived that lie.
I don’t want to ever return there.
Honesty is the anchor,
the key to God’s inner sanctuary,
and I’m welcome there!
God wants my honesty,
my soul laid bare before him,
he knows my secrets,
loves me anyway,
and sends me people
who incarnate
such love.

God, make me honest with you,
with others, and with myself.

From A Cloud of Witnesses -
Two Big Books and Us.

The Problem

"The  problem is, I don't know what the problem is."
We understand the conundrum when
we get out of our area of expertise,
when we summon support for a software program,
for trying a kind of home repair for the first time.
We older types watch with amusement
as someone forty years our junior
consults a YouTube video as they take on a task.
But what if neither Youtube nor Google has the answer?
That's where Recovery comes in.
Before we found the rooms, our problem was
not knowing what the problem.
But we don't need to know, for
we came to believe a Power greater than we
might...probably did... know what the problem was
and turning our lives and wills over
gave us access to understanding the problem
as well as the solution when we needed to.

No Condemnation

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. ~ Romans 8:1-2

Condemnation: the expression
of very strong disapproval;
censure, with synonyms... censure, criticism, strictures,
denunciation, vilification.
the action of condemning someone
to a punishment; sentencing.
We have been set free from the law of sin and death.
Just where does the New Testament...
or the Old...more clearly sing the same song
as the rooms of Recovery?
Once we realize we feel condemned,
which we describe as powerless over
our compulsion, living unmanageable lives,
once we've come to believe there's hope
and turned our wills and lives over to that Hope,
then got real about our obsessions on our past,
admitted the dirt and lived through it,
released our bad habits, and made amends.
and before we were halfway there,
our dreams of life came true and all condemnation
had vanished, replaced by freedom and serenity.

Dare to step through the door to
promises fulfilled.

Sanity and Anger

Sanity is not how well I can hide my anger; it is having no need to react to people, places and things by becoming angry. ~ For Today, March 30

So, I need to hide my anger?
It's not that I, individually,
need hide anger.
Unless I'm angry at me,
my anger is none of my business,
but chances are my anger
shows my opinion about
what someone else
has said or done.
The opinion, should it need expressing,
would most likely meet the need for honesty,
to avoid a lie of omission,
"What did I need to say to this
person so they knew
how I honestly felt about them
and the situation?"
and that should be gentle,
free from judgement and blame;
anger is neither needed nor useful.
But sanity as a solution for the situation
when formerly I would rant.
blame, and play "poor me!"
requires no anger but recognition
of how greatly I have changed,
how little purpose anger now holds
for my life.

 

See My Soul

A definition of "apology" ~ a reasoned argument or writing in justification of something, typically a theory or religious doctrine

I find a three-word introduction
on Facebook, "See my soul,"
research and find lyrics of a song
with that title by Push Play.
Am I not honest as I write these poems?
Do I not tell my deepest secrets,
disguising only others' whose tales
are not mine to tell?
What do you see when you see my soul?
Do you see only the public persona,
professional, known, intelligent,
educated? Or, can you see that which I hid
and denied those long years? Do you see serenity,
surrender, positive traits?
Or, do the ignoble, sordid, and rebellious show?
I am who I am, a compulsive overeater
with good traits and bad. See my soul.
If you see Recovery and promises come true,
I'm delighted and hope you can find these,
can adopt them from me.
As for the negative, may you see
in my foibles your route to serenity!

Teach Me to Pray

As you enter the house of God, keep your ears open and your mouth shut. It is evil to make mindless offerings to God. Donʼt make rash promises, and donʼt be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few. ~ Ecclesiastes 5:1-2 NLT

Take the cotton from your ears
so you can hear God.
Put cotton in your mouth
for you have nothing to teach Him.
When did Sunday dresses
become t-shirts and cut-off jeans?
Who let people start applauding in
church?
Holy, holy, holy.
Holy is his name.

Lord God, teach me to pray,
and teach me that listening
is worth more than telling in prayer.

The Concerm

Any concern too small to be turned into a prayer is too small to be made into a burden. ~ Corrie Ten Boom

What, me worry?
Well, yes, I'll worry about anything!
For years and years, reliving chagrin,
importing humiliation.
It once, for decades, seemed to me
God was too busy to be concerned
about my out-of-control eating,
my weight, my health.
Then I learned He cared all along,
wanted the responsibility,
welcomed my releasing it.
And gradually it has become clear
that's true of any worries, all worries.
They're not my concern
unless I decide to deprive God
that part of my life.
What? Mr worry?

My Responsibility

If you want to get rid of it, you have to do something to make it go away. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. Your codependency becomes your problem; solving your problems is your responsibility.~ Melony Beattie. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (p. 16). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

It's none of my business what others do to me,
none of my business what anyone thinks of me,
none of my business what others are doing or why.
The Big Book says, "We should be sensible, tactful,
considerate and humble without being servile or scraping.
As God’s people we stand on our feet;
we don’t crawl before anyone."
As long as I turn my life over
to my higher power and earnestly seek
to be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble,
I can and should stand firmly in my decision,
in my Recovery, in the Serenity I seek
and I need not crawl or scrape, or feel myself inferior.
I need not please people beyond my best efforts.
It is my responsibility to find peace without groveling.

Saints Before Me

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ~ Hebrews 12:1-2 (NASB)
"Many a man, yet dazed from his hospital experience, has stepped over the threshold of that home into freedom. Many an alcoholic who entered there came away with an answer. He succumbed to that gay crowd inside, who laughed at their own misfortunes and understood his. Impressed by those who visited him at the hospital, he capitulated entirely when, later, in an upper room of this house, he heard the story of some man whose experience closely tallied with his own. The expression on the faces of the women, that indefinable something in the eyes of the men, the stimulating and electric atmosphere of the place, conspired to let him know that here was haven at last." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 160)

So great a cloud
of witnesses,
saints preceding,
people of faith,
a crowd of witnesses
through ages and eons —
people who know the rigors of the path,
watching for us to
shed our baggage,
take off and run – or fly —
for the joy set before us,
for the promises,
the hope
pulling those
after us into
the cloud of witnesses.

Thank you, God, for saints
surrounding me with love.

The Wonder of We

One person comes. One person comes.
One person comes. One person comes.
One person comes powerless,
with an unmanageable life.
One person comes, sick to death
with this illness we've fought for years,
filled with shame, with rage, with despair.
But as we come one by one, the ones become
two, three, four, seventeen, three hundred twenty.
And the I's become we's and as we find health,
joy, serenity  we find to our amazement
the illness of each one has become the wellness
of the we. Together we can do
what we could never do alone.

This Time...

One day I walked into a cafe to telephone. In no time I was beating on the bar asking myself how it happened. As the whisky rose to my head I told myself I would manage better next time, but I might as well get good and drunk then. And I did. ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 380-381).

When you're in the food, the alcohol,
the drugs, you manage to put together
some clean days and swear, this time you'll make it.
When you're in the food, the alcohol,
the drugs, you manage to put together
some clean days and swear, this time will be different.
But if the clean days are not based on change,
fundamental life-changing, if you have not had
a spiritual experience and surrendered your life and will
to a Power Greater than yourself, if you look
to will power for the change, It won't be different.
If you're not a changed being, failure waits,
but have hope. Find the path in Twelve Steps.

Rocking the Stool

The disease of compulsive overeating is threefold: physical, emotional, and spiritual. What happens to my body, my emotions, and my spirit when I eat compulsively? ~ Overeaters Anonymous. Twelve Step Workshop and Study Guide (Kindle Locations 571-572).  

What happens to my body
when I eat compulsively?
Simple. A bite at a party
becomes twenty, thirty, fifty...
and the next day trips through
fast-food spots for sugary treats,
days become weeks and more
until my body makes my clothes too small
and the cravings are petrified,
insisting on frequent appeasement.
What happens to my emotions
when I  eat compulsively?
Primarily guilt sprinkled with
shame and mortification
that I play loosely with the truth.
What happens to my spirit
when I  eat compulsively?
My spirit wants to ignore God
and perhaps even more
to be ignored right back.
Fortunately when I keep
making meetings, talking to
program people, knowing better,
so far I've been able to stumble back
into Recovery.

Pampered Pet

Today in meditation, it came to me that what I need and want in a Higher Power is a being who loves me, takes care of me, and gives me affection. I pictured myself as a trusting dog, taken care of and petted with love the way I take care of my dog! ~ Overeaters Anonymous. Taste of Lifeline (Kindle Locations 415-417).

Jesus Loves Me, this I know...
Yes, I know it's true but I worked
in Christian education and know
it's hard to answer a child's request for proof.
The book of John speaks of John
as the disciple Jesus loved.
He loved Martha, Mary and Lazarus.
He loved the rich young man.
He loved His disciples.
He implied He loves us all:
Greater love has no one than this,
than to lay down one’s life for his friends.
It's easier to prooftext God's love for us,
for He is Love, but as to the love
our Higher Power has for us
can be set out in the job description we set.
I expect most of us would accept
that our Higher Power should
love us, takes care of us, and give us affection.
The God of Our Understanding
is kind, concerned with our needs and comfort
more than any among us could love our pets!

Restless, Irritable, and Discontented

Restless, irritable, and discontent AKA uneasy, annoyed, never satisfied ~ Jennifer R. R.

The Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book
gave us a now-familiar phrase,
"To them, their alcoholic life
seems the only normal one.
They are restless, irritable and discontented,
unless they can again experience
the sense of ease and comfort
which comes at once by taking a few drinks—"
A descriptive term, useful
in seeing our past behavior,
in picking out another as we once were.
But not language that rings true
when the old desires attempt
to wriggle back in. A translation
less archaic, closer to vernacular,
approaching the starkness of P-Oed,
can nab my attention.
When I find myself uneasy, annoyed,
and never satisfied, it's time...and past...
to get to meetings, call my sponsor,
seek out program people,
and claim serenity!

My Home Meeting, Ten Years Later

The first meeting I went to was in the basement
of one of the largest churches in town,
posters on the wall I recall fondly.
We moved to an old grocery store
converted to a non-denominational Bible church
in a room used for storage, interesting,
changing, dynamic.
Next was an Episcopalian (Anglican)
site, soon followed by an office conference room.
Consistent locations assist, but Recovery is anywhere
the people of Recovery come together...

Solution Search

Only by being willing to give up the safety of the old can I find out what the new has for me. ~ For Today (Kindle Location 2344).

Giving up the safety of the old
means giving up living in self-hatred
with holier than thou mixed in liberally,
means never turning to food
to ease soul sickness.
I need to save my life.
Doing better does not equate
to tolerable
and certainly not to hiding from the world,
I have to act on my fears,
forgiving the other
because I know the pain
from which the words come
is no solution.
But the  Big Book says,
THERE IS A SOLUTION.