December 17, 2006

I sought professional help a third time, attempting to sort through my psychoses (my term, not a clinical diagnosis). Something this time was prodding and piercing my protective wall. The gift from my counselor of the second edition of the book Overeaters Anonymous finally cracked through it. I read the whole book, thought it would be something I would look into after the holidays, and plowed ahead. Until December 17, 2006.
Driving to Sunday school where I’d taught the same class more than 20 years, I stopped at a convenience store. The routine, both Sundays and weekdays, varied only in the name over the door of the dispenser of sweet gooey treats. Sundays included cappuccino with the sweet roll. Back in the car, I addressed God aloud, a custom sometimes embarrassing when I think I’m alone but I’m not. “This is stupid.” So, I threw it out, yes? No. I ate it all. But, had I known it would be the last, I would have held out for an apple fritter from AM Donuts and Croissants, not a greasy old convenience store sweet roll. ~ OAStepper. Slender Steps to Sanity - Twelve-Step Notes of Hope (Kindle Locations 88-95).

One moment.
After forty-six years of dieting,
fifty-nine years of comfort food,
three hundred pounds carried around
wearing out knees, knocking me down,
humiliating me.
One moment.
"This is stupid, God!"
Apple fritter in one hand,
cappuccino in the other,
prepared to drive as I ate,
having practiced the coordination
daily for too many years.
Self-loathing, "FAILURE"
stamped on my forehead...
at least from the inside.
Then one moment.
One life-changing honesty,
one giving up, admitting "I can't!"
One moment.
One realization.
One putting off procrastination,
rationalization, justification.
One moment of hitting bottom
knowing the only way out is up.
And somehow believing up could happen!
One moment,
followed by nine years
of learning to surrender,
of trying more often than sloughing it off,
of being sponsored and sponsoring,
of reading and writing recovery,
of countless hours of tapes working into my head,
of twelve simple steps and the courage to take them...
One moment
that gave me my life
for the very first time.