Moonless Darkness

Out of the night that covers me

Henley had the image when he wrote

Out of the night that covers me

black as the pit from pole to pole.That's the hell of addiction,

of hopelessness, of unmanageable life.

But hope remains past hopelessness,

life managed by greater power,

addiction tamed. The moonless darkness

prepares the way for promises,

for hope, for light where darkness

echoed moans. Where in newfound brilliance

spirits harmonize.

Simple

Simple as uncarved wood. ~ Tao Te Ching

They say the steps are simple. Not easy.
They're not easy because we want to mess with them,
to interpret them, to clarify them, to improve them.
They take commitment, surrender, dedication,
the seriousness that comes at rope's end,
at the last house on the block, when we know
the rest doesn't work  for us. Oh, they work
for somebody, for lots of people perhaps,
but not for addicts like us. Who mess with things.
Who need to be in charge. Who hold to power.
Until, in desperation, we don't.
Then it's simple. Act as if. Go to any lengths.
Work the steps, no matter what.
Go to meetings. Use the tools.
Talk -- and listen -- to program people.
Then it's simple. Not easy.
But something you never want to lose
so you do...whatever it takes.

Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. ~ Marianne Williamson

It's major. Related to a premonition,
perhaps, a reaction to a story
told by my father and his cousin
about their grandfather.
So many years ago,
and never fading, never dimming,
but never becoming true.
Now she tells me I'm close.
That something will happen,
not that, but related to it.
And it scares me to death.
I want it, but know wanting it
will never bring it, for the ability
comes only with humility,
being worked through, not starring.
Nor my work, buy my being a vessel.
I crave the experience, the honor,
but how do I react? With fear,
running from potential greatness,
hiding in ordinary where I feel like
I belong.

A Modest Craft

It's easy to be tempted by the new and luxurious models…but a modest, reliable craft will allow you to dream beyond your means! ~ Rose is Rose

Have you ever saved up to get the best
only to discover the best drains, demands,
must be preserved to remain the best?
Have you wondered if what you had...
old, well-used, new-long-gone, comfortable...
was more fun than the new and improved?
Have you ever set out to prove if you could be,
could earn, could save, could acquire, you'd have it made?
And when you finally reached "there" was it a drag?
Your dreams are not tied to the luxury limousine
but to needs met, to the basics, to the inanimate,
the internal, the eternal. Your dreams can't be bought
but in giving away your things, your self, your time,
your dreams can be achieved.

Rose is Rose

Independent

...it’s crucial to remain independent of both the positive and negative opinions of other people. Regardless of whether they love or despise us, if we make their assessments more important than our own, we’ll be greatly afflicted. ~ Dyer, Wayne (2007-07-31). Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao 

Ladders or pedestals.
It's odd how often
compulsive eaters
in recovery describe
their tiers of society.
Some above, some below,
but nobody aligned with us.
We fear the disdain
of our supposed betters,
pour our own on lessers,
and live in isolation,
lonely, forlorn, hopeless.
Oh, how much joy
is there to be found
in discovering tiers
to be figments of our minds,
to learn we're all alike,
all different, not to be disdained,
none to be envied, all to be loved,
and we're treated that way.
And finally we learn to treat the rest
as we wish to be treated,
and we leave their improvement
to them, satisfied we have enough
to think of ourselves
and how we can grow
to gain more insights,
more joy, more serenity.

It's Your Group

Okay, use the Lord's Prayer.

It's not on the suggested list

but if it's your group's choice,

fine...but does it impede anyone

attending from recovery?

You have a great book to study

though not approved for OA?

Your choice. World Service

doesn't dictate. Just suggests.

But diversity is good

and the group is higher on the chart

than any other part of OA.

Immanuel, God With Us

You would think to build a statue
then to worship it would make you closest
possible to your god, but it doesn't.
You're the god since you created that one,
so you're greater and therefore better.

You would think being independent,
declining to believe something greater than you
could possibly exist would be exhilarating,
If there is no god but you, then you are god,
and there is no higher and you could not be
more close.

If you assist your god by taking over little things,
those he couldn't possibly worry about,
things like what you eat, how you spend your leisure,
but you'll leave the big things to him, praying
he heal your uncle, get you the job, do your will.
There's little togetherness when you ignore your god,
just attempt to control and be hurt when he doesn't listen.

The only thing left is to give up, to turn things over,
acknowledging you have no control, no power.
That this god, whoever, whatever, wherever he is
must have more power than your none. The only thing left
is to turn things over, to acknowledge he allows you near,
welcomes you, enjoys you, acknowledges the rightness
of our allowing Immanuel, God with us.

Just Do It

Those things we know to do,
promise to do, believe eventually
we'll have done them...just do them.
Sure, it's an ironic day, season, time
to start, but it's a Thursday,
and that's all it is. A Thursday
with company, with abundant food,
with stress and roiling emotions
and sibling rivalries erupting
but it's a Thursday. And we know
to do those things, promise to do,
believe we'll eventually do them
but we can relieve part of the stress
by starting now, this Thursday
we know by other names,
anticipate more keenly, dread more,
but a Thursday we can just do it.

Learning to Lack Guilt

Guilt is one thing in a court of law...
either an accurate assessment
or a distortion of justice.
But what about the mass of us,
the "good girls" — or boys —
who feel guilty without adjudication
or even justification, feelings of culpability
especially for imagined offenses
or from a sense of inadequacy.
What about those of us who
consistently self reproach?
What if unjustified guilt
is your dominant character defect?
They say to look for the opposite,
to practice that as a substitute.
Try to look up the opposite of guilt!
Having the trait, you can even feel guilty
for not being able to find one...
What about acceptance of who you are?
How about developing growth?
Can you learn to forgive yourself
for feeling guilty?

United We Recover

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon OA unity. ~ OA First Tradition

I disagree with you.
I don't believe you take seriously
the program, the commitment,
the Steps. You irritate me.
I want to guide you, to lead you,
to teach you and you dismiss me.
I disagree with you
but you're faithful to come,
you have the right to work a program
alien to mine. You meet the criteria
desiring to stop eating compulsively.
I disagree with you but welcome you
as we journey by different paths
to a common goal.

Closet-Cleaning Benefits

Cramming life with possessions, pleasures, pride, and activities when we’ve obviously reached a point where more is less indicates being in harmony with ego, not the Tao! ~ Dyer, Wayne (2007-07-31). Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

Enough is enough.
Forty-plus-year-old clothes
pulled out so they can fine homes
where they're worn rather than stored.
But wait. That one's too good
to give away, for a donation.
Don't we know anyone who needs it?
We can't give that away.
But that one, it's an ugly shirt,
put it in the pile.
We probably have close to 50 pieces
in the car trunk ready to give away...
and 200 plus we couldn't part with,
didn't need but needed to keep.

Enough is enough.
Stop eating when you're full.
You don't need the extra, will not starve,
can eat again tomorrow.
Eat. But stop eating when satiated.
Don't fall into the trap of believing
you must have more, in believing
that more will bring you happiness.
Enough is enough.

Shadows of My Soul

Nightmares haunt my sleep,
anxieties plague my days,
regrets burden my leisure
as guilt drives me to escape,
to find such peace as once I knew,
to behaviors in times past
that comforted my fears.

 

The world remains the same.
Anxieties, regrets, fears.
All that changed is me
but nightmares have vanished,
serenity rules my days,
regrets are tamed by amends
as guilt becomes understanding.
Shadows remain, my story to share.
Yet in the light of recovery
among the shadows of my soul
I dare to dream as dreams come true.

Reentry

After a retreat filled with recovery,
with love, with concern, with one mind...
After the speakers, the sharing,
the meditation, the close friends just met...
After high resolve, surrender, understanding,
finally understanding the whole 12 Steps...
After standing on the mountaintop of insight,
the peak of commitment, the heights of caring...
The day after can be an afterglow but too often
is a plunge into doubt and solitary willfulness
to escape from the power of the grandeur.

Ideal

Giving birth and nourishing;
having, yet not possessing;
working, yet not taking credit;
leading without controlling or dominating. ~ Lao-Tzo

Surrender. Balance. Serenity.
To create and to build,
to have but not be possessed
by possessing, by the importance
of having. Working for the glory
of accomplishment, undiscussed,
perhaps unnoticed by others,
receiving joy from the labor,
from watching pieces come together,
an entity take shape, but without pride,
without being puffed up, without the need
that others see and understand and recognize.
To do what comes naturally, moving forward
when you comprehend the need, the direction,
the steps necessary. Having no need
for validation, for appreciation, for admiration.
Reveling in the being, in the doing,
in the companionship and in the solitude.
Surrender. Balance. Serenity.

December 17, 2006

I sought professional help a third time, attempting to sort through my psychoses (my term, not a clinical diagnosis). Something this time was prodding and piercing my protective wall. The gift from my counselor of the second edition of the book Overeaters Anonymous finally cracked through it. I read the whole book, thought it would be something I would look into after the holidays, and plowed ahead. Until December 17, 2006.
Driving to Sunday school where I’d taught the same class more than 20 years, I stopped at a convenience store. The routine, both Sundays and weekdays, varied only in the name over the door of the dispenser of sweet gooey treats. Sundays included cappuccino with the sweet roll. Back in the car, I addressed God aloud, a custom sometimes embarrassing when I think I’m alone but I’m not. “This is stupid.” So, I threw it out, yes? No. I ate it all. But, had I known it would be the last, I would have held out for an apple fritter from AM Donuts and Croissants, not a greasy old convenience store sweet roll. ~ OAStepper. Slender Steps to Sanity - Twelve-Step Notes of Hope (Kindle Locations 88-95).

One moment.
After forty-six years of dieting,
fifty-nine years of comfort food,
three hundred pounds carried around
wearing out knees, knocking me down,
humiliating me.
One moment.
"This is stupid, God!"
Apple fritter in one hand,
cappuccino in the other,
prepared to drive as I ate,
having practiced the coordination
daily for too many years.
Self-loathing, "FAILURE"
stamped on my forehead...
at least from the inside.
Then one moment.
One life-changing honesty,
one giving up, admitting "I can't!"
One moment.
One realization.
One putting off procrastination,
rationalization, justification.
One moment of hitting bottom
knowing the only way out is up.
And somehow believing up could happen!
One moment,
followed by nine years
of learning to surrender,
of trying more often than sloughing it off,
of being sponsored and sponsoring,
of reading and writing recovery,
of countless hours of tapes working into my head,
of twelve simple steps and the courage to take them...
One moment
that gave me my life
for the very first time.

Service Above Self

Serve the needs of others, and all your own needs will be fulfilled. Through selfless action, fulfillment is attained. ~ Dyer, Wayne (2007-07-31). Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

Service Above Self is a Rotary motto
and in 12-step programs, Service is Step Twelve,
the culmination of all the others.
Servant leadership. Armed services.
Thank you for your service.
May I be of service to you?
If you would be great, first be of service.
For even the Son of Man did not come to be served,
but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.Love your enemies, pray for — and serve —
those who hate you. It is more blessed to give
than to receive. Use your freedom to serve one another.
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit,
but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
Serve the needs of others, and all your own needs will be fulfilled.

https://shareasimage.com/i/bccaf40d

Not a Lifetime

If I had to do anything for a lifetime
I would never start today.
Oh, if that's my intention — a lifetime —
I see the advantage, the benefits.
But especially if it's good for me,
a right step, a new direction, a new course...
I can put it off one more day today.
And tomorrow, and the next tomorrow.
But I also know tomorrow never comes,
and even if I doubt I can do it only tomorrow
I won't unless I decide to, commit to it.
And when I have that day done,
the next doesn't intimidate so. I can add a day.
And I can keep on adding them if it's right,
if it's good, if it's healing me or others.
Not for a lifetime. No, never for lifetime.
But for today, each day, I can.

A Needed Change

9. Change is often resisted when it is needed the most. ~ MarcAndAngel.com

This is the pits! I can't take another moment.
I'd give anything to escape from this insane
rodent wheel. Get me out of here!

What? You want me to take action?
To admit I need help? To ask for it?
To stop the behavior that causes problems?
To look to a power greater than me?
You want me to do anything other than gripe?
Well, maybe tomorrow. I'm too down in the dumps
to climb out today, even if offered a hand up.

via GIPHY

Not Today!

Rain, rain, go away,
come again some other day?
Are you serious? In West Texas?

Recovery, sanity, go away,
I'm tired, depressed, don't want to.
Oh, but I want you, Recovery.
I want all the benefits, all the joy,
all the self-worth, the peace I've found.
I just don't want to work the program.
Stay around, pour your blessings on me,
just do it without my willingness,
without my work, without my commitment,
without my being involved. I don't want to be a puppet.
I've said that many times. But today I do.
Pull my strings, drag me along, pour the bounty on me
but don't make he hold up my end of the commitment.
Okay?

No.

Don't Hoard the Manna

It’s impossible to use it up — if we consume more, we simply receive more. But if we attempt to hoard it, we’ll experience shortages ourselves, along with the failure of having even a wisp of understanding. The Tao and its inexhaustible powers paradoxically disappear when we attempt to exclude anyone from its unprejudiced nature. ~ Dyer, Wayne (2007-07-31). Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

When you receive good stuff, be grateful.
Don't be grasping, avaricious, hoggish,
don't compete to get the first, the best, the most.
Receive. Accept. Appreciate. Welcome the gift.
Receive it as your benefactor would have you be,
in a spirit of generosity, of sharing, of rejoicing,
of abundance. You have wealth. But if you covet it
you will have sparsity, need, an inadequate supply.
Look beyond the object to the spirit, the experience,
the view of possibility. Don't hoard the manna.
In receiving you may also distribute,
in welcoming you may also please, honor, share.

Gathering manna Exodus 16:14-16

The Sage Governs

The sage governs
by emptying minds and hearts,
by weakening ambitions and strengthening bones. ~ Lao-Tzu

The sage governs…
and the definition of a sage
is a “profoundly wise man…”
It’s a word that skipped
the tendency to create sagess or sagette
but would you call a woman a sage? 
Would you use solon or wise woman?
The “sage” doesn’t argue semantics,
doesn’t feel overlooked
by failing to be defined. 
The sage governs.
The sage governs by emptying minds and hearts,
by weakening ambitions and strengthening bones.
Weakening ambitions makes sense.
That’s part of being a sage, being wise,
of governing rather than ruling,
rather than being an autocrat.And governing, ruling, even autocratism
can happen in normal life of course.But what does strengthening bones mean?
One suggestion is strong bones
mean strong will.
Maybe strengthening bones
is taking what is already strong
and building on that.
We concentrate on strengths
and know when we would be weak
there's a greater entity,
a more profound truth,
that is the strength
on which we concentrate.

Recovery Rondeau

Would that I could but I can't control me.
I swear that I'll change but cannot agree
for I bicker and protest and fall on my face
seek the good but instead to pitfalls I race
disgruntled and hopeless, for help is my plea.
Desperate, entangled, without sanity
from obsession and craving I constantly flee
pursuing serenity somewhere, any place.
Would that I could but I can't control me.
Is there not hope, could I ever be free?
I'll do anything! You ask, I'll agree.
Where do I go? What's the time, where's the place?
I've not earned any hope, must depend just on grace.
But there's hope in twelve steps for recovery!
Would that I could, but I can't control me.

Only Because There Is Ugliness

Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty, only because there is ugliness. All can know good as good only because there is evil. ~ Lao-tzu

I've quipped for years
Hell is floating around
playing a harp all day,
every day, forever and ever.
No, it may not be Hell
but it sure as heck isn't Heaven.
I've obsessed over many things,
activities I loved, projects fascinating,
but they grow old, become tedious,
lose their appeal, make me want more,
different, a new challenge.
Would you enjoy full-time life
with the four people you love best?
Isn't there a need for different?
Ugly is not ugly
any more than beauty is beauty.
An evil act may be the best way
for the person doing it to show love.
Our job is to clean our side of the street.
Other people are not ours to judge,
to condemn. Other people are there to love
even when society has mandated
certain responses to actions.
Society doesn't tell us
who is beautiful, who is ugly,
who is to be loved.

Arcing Toward God

On the whole, my life is arcing toward God. ~ Miranda

It's not a straight line...it's an arc.
But it goes up. Sometimes, always?
Not obviously perhaps, when it's a line
flat on a page. But rainbows are arcs
and lift our hearts, make our eyes follow,
lead us to beauty. A welder's arc
is a tiny arc, energy jumping from heat
to heated, a beautiful creative process.
Arc is part of an arch, triumphant,
historic, an entry to a city, a church,
a future. It's not a straight line
but gives the impression God is in charge
and reassures us all is right in our world,
we're not in charge, but there's a Power
with inherent beauty waiting for us,
to arc to us, sending the power to change
from heat to heated, from heat to heart.

Picture borrowed from Dezi Muse Rollins

Layers

We start with Step One.
Our lives are unmanageable.
By that we mean we're miserable,
perhaps suicidal, depressed as heck,
at the end of our rope.
We work the rest of the steps
and find it so much better,
a life we could not have imagined.
But then we read Step One.
Our lives are still unmanageable.
Oh, better than possible, but still...
There's anxiety, confusion, too many slips...
We hear in meetings of peace, of serenity
and know we're not there yet,
not as close as we could be.
We work the rest of the steps
and find it so much better,
a life we could not have imagined.
But then we read Step One.
Our lives are still unmanageable.
The character defects begin to make sense.
A program friend asks a thoughtful question
and we see how wrong we still are
in an area really close to our hearts.
We see the big picture, find peace,
realize moments or true serenity,
better lives than could have happened.
But then we read Step One.
We rejoice in knowing we have room
to reach greater levels of understanding,
of love, of identification with HP,
of recovery. We know we'll work the steps
and it will be better, but we've got a lifetime
of working the steps, never reaching the height
we know we can reach, and rejoicing in the fact
we will work the steps.

Well Intentioned

...about many well-intentioned Christians and clergy. Their religion has never touched them or healed them at the unconscious level where all of the real motivation, hurts, unforgiveness, anger, wounds, and illusions are stored, hiding—and often fully operative. They never went to “the inner room” where Jesus invited us, and where things hid “secretly” (Matthew 6:6). ~ Richard Rohr, Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps

But when you pray...
I can do the going into a closed room,
shutting the door. Praying. Well,
maybe not well, the praying part.
But did I miss something?
What's hidden in there, secretly?
It's not the unconscious level
with anger, wounds, unforgiveness,
illusions stored there...
Or is it? Is there a way to go there,
look at those things, surrender them
and walk away leaving the hurts,
the discomfort in there? Is that
what prayer's all about?
Maybe I can do that. I see the point
now.

Copyright : jarenwicklund

The Life Cycle of Recovery

Decades ago a wise woman said,
"Too many people are born again and again
but never grow up." Starting over. Honorable.
Essential so often. We eternally return
to the First Step. Yet if it's the same place,
the same unmanageable mess, identical insanity,
then sometimes that needs be done
for maturity comes with a higher reality
of helplessness, of inability to manage.
We need move from egg to caterpillar
to chrysalis to butterfly, not to remain an egg,
then an egg then another egg.

 

Building Foundations

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Realism. It's not realistic
to build castles in the air
for clouds aren't stable enough
to create a footing,
to be the bedrock.
But have you seen
a house on a truck
poking down the highway
as before and after
the way is made safe
to ferry the house
where it doesn't belong?
And once there,
it becomes a house again
perhaps balanced on a frame
but more securely
placed on cement,
a real foundation
built to fit the house
waiting to take its place.

We build lives sometimes
up in the air, lacking foundation,
a fantasy we would have made real
but cannot. We may have "lived"
if it can be called there for years,
knowing we're not secure,
having no idea how to repair ourselves.
But foundations can be built

after-the-fact, and at last
the house we inhabit
becomes the life we would have it be.

What Not Being God Means

  You may have seen the truth of this quite clearly at times in the past, but there was always something lacking in your relationship to that truth. ~ AAAgnostica

It's not that God's not "in the sky"
and all's right in the world.
It's not that I disdain Him, dismiss him,
fail to give lip service to Him.
It has nothing to do with God at all,
this alienation I feel so often,
this failure to thrive in the relationship.
He's not distant, not hiding,
not mad at me for cheating,
for anger, for lying, for wasting time.
There's nothing wrong with God
or Demiurge or "Howard Be Thy Name"
or Good Orderly Direction
or any other name. He wears them all,
accepts them, accepts me. No,
there's nothing wrong with God.
It's me, coming as though
a remedial student,
denying there's a problem,
hiding the fact I'm not as comfortable
as anybody else, as the defendants
who stand before the judge and say,
"I'm blessed," as all the people
who make me feel...
no, who I make myself feel...
they've got it when I don't.
There's something wrong with me
wanting to run the show
and let God know who He can be.

Measured by Measurements

who measured her by her measurements….
a life of boredom wrapped in a ball gown….
this life was too big to be bottled ~ June Rose Dowis

How often have I measured myself
and everyone around me
by my measurements, the tape measure,
the scale, the dress size?
Are those who look like I would choose to look
more praiseworthy, more lovable,
more to be envied? Do I look at a bulimic
or anorexic and, they having different manifestations,
consider them hale, well, to be emulated?
Decades ago my mother donated
the dress I was once-again going to wear,
and when I wore it life would be fine,
I would be beautiful, and in reaching that
brilliant, precocious, able-to-leap-tall-buildings
in a single bound...
How long will my life be bottled
in a body image I need not own?

Take Back

Thy will be done is something I try to do but a lot of times I take it right back as I go back into the house. ~ Joan B

Let go and let God?
Great idea.
But there's an issue.
I'm quite sure my hands
came permanently endowed
with superglue, special, though,
so it never hardens over,
never loses its grab power.
Easy to say, let go and let God.
But darned near impossible to do.
I'm powerless over letting go,
my life as far as releasing
is unmanageable.
Let go. Let God.
Let God pry it from my hands
when I pray not my will, Thine.