I Don't Know

Shortly afterward I came home drunk. There had been no fight. Where had been my high resolve? I simply didn’t know. It hadn’t even come to mind.~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 245-246)

It's that pesky question a sponsor asks when you report a slip.
Why? The honest answer for me often is, "I don't know."
But how can that be? Let me count the ways.
1. I'm distracted, busy, haven't had time to use the tools.
2. I'm mad. I've been "good" and nothing's changed.
3. I deserve it!! And I can take it and "forget" since I'm in charge.
4. I'm sad, mad, distracted, jealous, embarrassed...I need it.
5. She offered it and I can't turn her down.
6. Everyone is eating it and I have to fit in.
7. I forgot.
8. They were on sale.
9. It's a holiday! It's expected.
10. I don't know! (and don't want to.)

Greatest Need

Our group, our recovery, our friends, our support.
So important to my getting better, this weekly time
that means so much to me. I really don't need to explain,
to answer questions, to start at the beginning,
to read all the instructions, to deal with tears, denial,
timidity, temerity, all the issues that come with someone new.
Then we read that Twelfth Step. Having had a spiritual awakening
as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message
to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles
in all our affairs. As the result. It's part of the steps.
That ridiculous thing people say to a newcomer,
"You're the most important person in the room."
Well, yes, they are more trouble when they come
but we need them to carry the message, to learn
from what we say to them and from what they say to us.
They really are the most important people in the room,
these newcomers.

Not God

That you’re not God means quite simply that you don’t dictate the laws of reality. ~ AA Agnostica

If God can be defined by any person
in recovery and outside, how can you know
that you're doing what they say,
that you're not being God? Or behaving as if.
The opportunities, actions, attitudes to act as God
could look like anything, could differ from person to person.
But there is a definition, a way to figure out.
If you act as if, if you believe that--whether openly or not...
that you're in charge of running the world, then you've
got no god. Instead, for you, you fulfill that role.

Why Not Choose Your Higher Power

You can accept as your higher power the reality that you can’t get loaded safely, no matter how much you wish you could. ~ AA Agnostica

The year was 1934, the date nearly 81 years ago,
at a kitchen table, exasperated by excuses
Ebby suggested Bill choose his own conception of God.
That option remains open, and considering a person
looking for an escape from addiction, from a life
turned unmanageable, a person in desperation
need look not very hard for a power greater than that.
How low can it be? Anything. A chair that holds you up.
A tree. or something less concrete, but not the "god"
who scares a person away from recovery. Try anything,
even the fact, the truth, the reality that your addiction
rages out of control, that try as you may, as you have,
as you still might yet to come, you're honest enough to know
you'll never make it by resolve or willpower alone.
That desperation, that reality, is enough. Grab hold of that,
and take it to the Bank of Recovery.

Bill Wilson and Ebby Thatcher

Pride in Abstinence

Some of these people will get loaded again and eventually die of their addictions because they can’t bear to come back through those doors minus the badge of however many years they had without a drink or a drug. That pride in their clean and sober time was in essence their new drug. ~ AAAgnostica.org

They call they dry drunks in AA,
white knuckle folks, those who come
to use their willpower and hang on
without really recovering, just stopping,
swapping the addiction for their mulish pride.
Promises, shomises, no such stuff.
Instead, the bedevilments describe them.
Troubled relationships, emotions run rampant,
prey to misery, to depression, to blaming others,
circumstances, chance, the world...
anything but their defiance against 12 Steps.
Prey to depression, unemployment,
uselessness, unhappiness, to life.
But they cling to staying stopped
at the peril of all around them,
spreading misery and pain.
Their pride in the fact alone
is what they look to, their salvation
so to speak. They are their higher power,
the pride in switching addictions
their new drug.

from http://www.leadrecoverycenter.com/

What Is Your Name Before God?

I was grown before I began
to wonder about faith, to look at the church,
to ask questions. But I was curious
and I kept on. I went to an old man,
a minister, but retired, one foot in the grave,
and asked him about how to learn,
how to know if I belonged, how to grow.
He asked me a question I didn't understand
and said nobody knew the answer but me.
But that meant that nobody knew,
because I didn't have a clue as to,
"What is your name before God?"
But he said God knew and that I could
if I listened. I wanted to know.
But I still didn't. I left, disappointed
but asked again and again, stopping,
sitting just by myself, staring off
into space. And I listened. I heard nothing.
But all of a sudden it wasn't true
that nobody knew. Because the answer
was in my head, or maybe just my heart.
I'm querier and God knew that
and knows more...all that I want to know.

A Ha(Na)Ku Sonnet

Fear
gives tasks
illogical difficulty levels

Friends
make tasks
go quickly, comfortably

Recovery
transforms tasks
impossible to joyful

Love
dissolves tasks
into delighted play

See: http://haynakupoetry.blogspot.com/

When We Retire at Night

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all?~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 86.

Did we do a good job of getting dressed today?
Did we do a good job of putting our toys away?
Did we do a good job of showing respect?...
And the answer to each from each four-year-old is, "Yes, sir,"
which sometimes leads to reminders of activities,
to reassessment  by the child. And when the answer stays yes
a magnet communicates, "well done" with a quarter
in the bank those days with seven affirmatives.
Coming clean at the end of the day.
Not beating yourself up, not ignoring the faults,
just an honest look at the day to got to bed,
to sleep, free of the turmoil of shortcomings not set right.

Honest

I swore to you I'd be honest.
I told you I can lie well,
have proven I can fool you.
I swore to you I'd be honest.
I told you I'd report my food
and eat right. I'm being honest.
I'm not sending the report.

What's the Hurry?

One of these days
I'll start a new program,
a new diet, a cleanse,
a new exercise regimen.
I'll take control of the weight,
of my life, of my fate,
of my happiness someday.
But I've got so much to do
and I've got to eat so many things
one last time before I give them up...
One of these days I'll do it.

What? My life is falling apart.
I've got to have help because I can't...
I don't care if it's not convenient,
I can't wait. I need recovery NOW!

 

Real

Analytical minds demand real...
logical progression from point A
to points B, C, D, E, F...in order.
Scientific explanation, hypotheses
proven, rationale, arguments.
Real triumphs, thrives, flourishes...
until it doesn't. Sometimes real
can't bridge the chasm,
can't yield results. Sometimes...
you have to act as if until it's true
and then look back and see
how it happened, how miracles work.

Bridging the Chasm

Alone. Standing on the precipice
filled with fear and trepidation
paralyzed by the knowledge
of what lies behind, the abyss,
the addiction, the self-loathing,
the utter defeat and humiliation
but seeing no way out after years
filled with trying, failing, trying again,
asking for help and grabbing
at every twig offered for support
only to find yourself falling backwards
but deeper than ever before
in the mire and the dregs and the muck.
We stand alone on the precipice
and if we're desperate enough
and perhaps if we have contact
with someone else who found
a way out, whose life we can see
radiating a hope we can only dream of
then on that precipice we can see
twelve steps, footprints,
a bridge across the chasm,
the pathway to dreams.

Integrity

Honesty is telling the truth to others. Integrity is telling the truth to yourself. ~ Israelmore Ayivor

Honesty stands beside reliability,
the truth never changing in the telling,
only when it was one thing but became another.
Integrity stands beside self-respect, sanity, serenity.
Integrity is virtue, surrender, self-respect,
morality in the truest sense.

The Art of Living

The art of living is probably the highest form of personal expression: one is not concerned with who is behind or ahead, but rather with the enjoyment of now. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 161-162)

We grow up competing...or at least we did when I was young.
Run faster, gather more pecans, score highest on the test,
write the longest paper, get more praise than my sibling...
I have no use for competition trophies, for not counting scores,
for praising everybody equally. Well, I do think we need praise
but sincere praise, an adult who seeks out areas where we do excel.
I've seen the harm in expecting excellence, in noting the lack
but failing to acknowledge how near we are or how far we've come.
But past growing up, past learning who you are, past competition
there's more. That's when it becomes an art. Living on your street,
ignoring the urge to control anyone else, satisfied, serene, joyful,
living, learning who I am and what I am and living it. Completely.

Grace Notes

I lie, meditating. To music.
It occurs to me many small notes
grace the score. Grace notes.
I lie, becoming inspired.
A theme for tomorrow's poem.
Grace notes. Neat sounding theme.
Obvious illustration. Double entendre,
the word grace, another in the word note.
Grace notes. Bits of love,
the undeserved, unearned,
freely given blessing kind.
Not needed, just extra gifts
at non-gift-giving moments,
spicing life, the sprinkles of love.

When the Device Dies

Battery dead. Nothing else near.
Waiting. What can you do
if not check email, glance at Facebook,
look at the calendar, edit the minutes,
play blackjack or Angry Birds?
What can you do?
Try out that Constant Contact
that needs no electronics, jump ahead
on tonight's inventory, journal.
By hand??!! Yes, you can write
and read it if you try.
There are paperclips to string.
Why does that appeal? Could it be
I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts,
my fears, my jealousies, my compulsions,
with my self...? Hey. I'm not alone.
But that Power that's here scares me
more than insanity. Yet if I dare to reach out
I can learn how to live with solitude,
with simplicity, with Power.

Signing Up or Showing Up

I was good at signing up. For weigh-and-pay,
for gym, for a brand new exercise device,
for any new gadget, for hypnotism, metal ear balls,
pills of all varieties, charts, dares, partners,
promises...I was good at signing up.
The closest I got was wedding preparation,
getting close for mine, still seventy too heavy
for a son's. I signed up for recovery as well.
The difference was they didn't ask what I weighed,
didn't chide my mistakes, didn't expect results,
just loved me, welcomed me, suggested Steps,
told me they had felt like me and didn't any more.
I signed up like I was accustomed to.
So I stayed, I showed up, I did the work,
I provided service, I listened, I talked,
I read and I wrote. I didn't merely sign up any more.
I showed up for duty, loving every minute...
or most of them. And growing from those that hurt.

Wide Arms

The Infinite Goodness has such wide arms that it takes whatever turns to it. ~ Dante Alighieriac

Wide arms. To hug a whole world.
Big enough to include compulsive overeaters
along with anorexics and bulimics.
Large enough to include Jew, Christian,
Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, atheist,
Sikh, Pentecostal, Catholic, Baptist,
Episcopalian, those who look to Thomas
and Alexander Campbell
whether they recognize their cousins or not.
People of faith, people of science, people
who see no conflict between the two.
Recovery groups of fleeing addiction
to countless actions and cravings.
One wide world, united even amid fighting,
a single entity united by fitting within the embrace
of the Infinite Goodness who can hold them all
no matter what name they may give themselves
or that Infinite Goodness.

Because We Have Boats

Hurricanes are kind of our claim to fame – because we have boats.~ James Cummings, Game Warden

What do you have to offer?
How can you help? Experience?
Equipment? Understanding?
What boats do you have
to rescue compulsive eaters?
Can you remember stories told
at your first Recovery meeting?
Did someone get you there?
What can you do to rescue
because you have boats?

Unity

...the unity of OA is a matter of life and death to us.~The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1213-1214).

Organizations are important to who we are,
what we are, how we fit. Some more than others.
Of great importance for many are the church,
the educational structure, the state (government)...
others with a place in the structure of lives.
The family is the of-all-and-be-all for many of us,
a place of great loyalty, a source of marvelous love.
Other organizations like service clubs, social groups,
like-minded study associations, united aficionados
of particular activities...these add significantly to lives.
But how many bodies of people can be described
as a matter of life and death to the membership?
Overeaters Anonymous is that to those who come and stay.
And that phrase...a matter of life and death...
takes on new meaning when we realize the phrase is true
but the matter of life is the creation, the realization,
the fruition of the life we've lived as automatons
and, in OA, learn to live as recovered human beings
experiencing that life in a new way...
beyond our wildest dreams!

On Purpose

Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to the compulsive overeater who still suffers. ~ Tradition Five, Overeaters Anonymous

Eight in the morning, Sunday evening, the crack of dawn...or before.
Members uniting by Skype, by conference calls, by email chains...
Groups studying only the first three steps as a forum for newcomers
or those who choose to speak then share, using no literature.
Groups are different, but they all have one purpose...
Carry the message.
Not only to each other, not only to those who seek you out,
but to all compulsive eaters who suffer. Anywhere, any time.
And many times we carry that message...by having the meeting.
By being there. Able to be found. But carry it, no matter what.
On purpose.

Qualifications for Membership

A person can never be too overweight, too underweight, or too normal in weight to be an OA member. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Location 1404).

Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous.
Welcome home! Yes, home.
Come and feel it, meet us,
hear us, watch us, talk to us.
You're home. If you've experienced
the pain, the insanity, the discomfort,
the unbreakable habit of compulsive eating
then you're home. The only requirement is easy.
Want to stop. That's all. Surgery,
bulimia, anorexia, morbid obesity,
a single food ... where the ad is right
if it says you can't stop with one
but more than right because one is too much
and a thousand too few.
You'll hear suggestions for food plans,
urging to work the steps, suggestions of tools,
offers of sponsors...but turn them down
and you're still welcome. One requirement,
that's all. Listen at the meeting
and you'll hear what it is.
The only requirement 
for OA membership 
is a desire 
to stop eating compulsively.

My Pleasure Source

What brings me pleasure?
Is it the resentments I cherish,
replaying them each morning,
keeping them fresh, nurturing
the victim identification they give me?
What brings me pleasure?
Eating to oblivion, stuffing my face
to dull my brain, to disguise my fear,
to anesthetize my disgrace, my self-mutilation.
What brings me pleasure?
Putting you down, making fun of his hair,
belittling her accent, gossiping about my friends.
What brings me pleasure?
I should have always known
but my answers were all wrong.
What brings me pleasure is doing right,
living sanely, surrendering to a power
greater than I, accepting myself as lovable
so that I can pass that love on to you
and relish the fellowship, the friendship,
the sense of togetherness I never expected
to find.

Love Is Selfless

Love is selfless, yet it exhilarates the self. ~ Karen Casey, Each Day a New Beginning

A conundrum, it is. Confusing, difficult,
seemingly contradictory. Love is selfless...
unselfish, concerned with hopes and dreams,
wishes and needs of someone...everyone...else
before your own. Love exhilarates the self.
Makes happy, elevated, elated.
A happy, elevated, elated self. Self.
A person's essential being, that which sets them apart.
One's own interest or pleasure. But love is selfless...
unselfish, concerned with hopes and dreams,
wishes and needs of someone...anyone...else.
And love exhilarates the self.
Which, of course, is included in that word...anyone.
Or, as it proves itself, everyone.

The Pinocchio Effect

It's simple cause and effect,
the desire to look good,
the need to tell others
what we want them to believe,
our truth as we've constructed it.
But the result isn't an improved image
but a lowered head...not really
because of a growing proboscis,
but the confusion, not remembering
who we told what, not knowing
how to hedge the truth,
not able finally to hold head high...
But as surely as there's cause and effect
from dishonesty, there's a cure.
Inventory your resentments,
find your part, admit the truth
to yourself, to God and to another person
and make amends to those you've harmed.
It will raise the head, give a lift to your step,
improve your whole world, guaranteed.
Every time. Cause and effect. 

Those Who Had What We Hate

Sometimes I ask a trusted servant to do my inventory, to tell me what I'm not seeing. ~ David S

We're told to look for somebody
who has what we want
and to ask them to sponsor us.
But does it go further?
Are they often not only people now
who have what we want
but also those who had what we have,
who had what we hate, and who have found
a path to recovery, a way out of the mire?
We don't do others' inventory...at our wishing.
That doesn't mean we can't be a mirror
to whose still suffering, that we can't answer
when our observations are sought.

Let Go

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~ Joseph Campbell

As long as I hold on to all that is mine,
to what I'm accustomed to, to comfort
I will have exactly what I had, and less,
for it will dwindle away, wear out, rust,
become obsolete. But if I let go, if I trust,
if I reach for the next toehold, the next branch,
for the possibility of the day I will gain
and most of the good I had already attained
will remain there, enhance and made vibrant
for what I reached out for in faith.

Anti-Independence

It was by faith that the people of Israel went right through the Red Sea as though they were on dry ground. But when the Egyptians tried to follow, they were all drowned. It was by faith that the people of Israel marched around Jericho for seven days, and the walls came crashing down. It was by faith that Rahab the prostitute was not destroyed with the people in her city who refused to obey God. For she had given a friendly welcome to the spies. ~ Hebrews 11:29-31 (NLT)

Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 62

I can do it myself!
So natural, young children
proclaim it.
So inherent in our approach
to living, the need to
show you, to show myself,
to show off.
How can I dare
trust, release,
how can I let it go?
How can I not be in charge
of this decision,
of this relationship,
of my life?
How?
By faith.

God, give me faith
and the humility
to rely on faith.

From A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us

It's Not a Triangle

Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better…
that I may better what? Oh, I know the prayer.
That I may better do thy will. But do I mean it when I pray it?
This feels important. Okay, remove the bondage of self
so may better do God's will. What does the bondage of self mean?
Slavery or involuntary servitude of my own nature and character.¹ What is my nature or character I’m trying to deal with?
Surely it’s codependency. Wanting so desperately to please a man,
to “earn” his appreciation. I will never ever be appreciated by him.
I believe that. Is it true? What does appreciated mean?
He appreciates me if he acknowledges I have talents and abilities;
even if it means envy, he does that. The first definition is “recognize the full worth of" with synonyms like value, treasure, admire, respect, hold in high regard, think highly of, think much of…
Does he do that of me? He would certainly think so...but he doesn’t. So, I offer myself to thee...Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. It’s even worse when I get to
take away my difficulties because I would tend to name him
my first and foremost difficulty. Can I not be tacky to him
and still honor my self? Is that my bondage of self?
I don’t know. God help me. I don't know.

¹ http://indisincted.blogspot.com/2007/11/bondage-of-self.html

How Not to Make Amends

I resented you for years,
you old fart, for your meddling
seemed always to make
my best-laid plans fizzle,
fade, die on the vine
and I would have sworn
your collective efforts
secured the failure
of all good things.
Honestly, though, now
as I examine my part,
I can see it's as though
I constantly wore headphones
so no input from you,
wise as it might have been,
could mingle with my ideas,
could work into my introverted
interpretation of right and wrong,
of wise and foolish, of my stubborn pride...
I wish I'd been open to you
and hope I've learned to listen
before I judge you and your ideas.

Every Secret

But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 1142-1143).

It's not really the secret. If it had been forgotten
the recovery might not have been as strong,
but the inventory would be an inventory,
the attempt to tell all the secrets to myself, to God,
and to another human being would have been real.
Obviously not as complete as possible, certainly lacking,
but enough. An honest attempt, a real admission
of our part in the past. No, it's not forgetfulness.
It's guilt that demands we take it to the grave,
we bury it from ourselves, we try earnestly to forget.
It's those items we hold under our control,
we make believe we did no wrong, we wallow in guilt...
It's those times we're filled with fear, we're too proud,
we're intentionally dishonest if even by omission...
It's maintaining command of the situation
that makes us fail to find the beauty
of admitting our wrongs and how they are wrong,
it's withholding the juicy parts declining to turn over reins.

Copyright: dahum1 / 123RF Stock Photo