Considering Recovery

They start by praying for serenity

then talk of unmanageable lives, of surrender
to a power greater than me, of no grand plans, but day
by day being honest with myself and facing my fear.
They say it's not religious but it is spiritual,
this plan of recovery step by step.

You know, easy as it sounds, it's a big step
to walk into these rooms when serenity

is some distant pipe dream and "spiritual"

makes me want to run away, not surrender,
and I'd like to say I don't need this, have no fear,

but truth be told, I battle many fears each day.

They don't ask for commitments -- just this day

take a chance, want to lose obsession, a baby step

at a time. And while even that is enough to cause fear

it's not as though if I didn't face this monster serenity

would be my lot. I've tried that, tried by surrender

to the easy path, relying on me, denying anything spiritual.

Why should I be so scared of that word "spiritual?"

They say the scary part of my memories back in the days

I had to go to church, I can set aside, don't have to surrender

to the God the preacher talked about, hellfire, vengeance - just step

toward being willing to think one greater could give serenity

to me, could give me peace to replace these constant fears.

Can there possibly be peace from the ever-present fear?

I've known people who seem to have none, spiritual

folks whose lives at least from the outside seem all serenity

and peace, who actually wake up ready to greet each day,

who walk around the whole day through, a bounce in their step.

Now that's a picture of life that could lead me to surrender.

So, the fears I'm more than willing to surrender --

I'd go to 'most any length to get rid of the constant fear,

and as to unmanageable, yep, that's me, it seems I step

into the muck even when I try my best. And a spiritual

being? I can take the fact good people believe, at least today,

and I'm willing to do that if it really can lead to serenity.

So I guess I'll try their Steps and find a god to whom I can surrender

and act as if until their serenity really takes over, managing my fear,

and I might just find I feel spiritual, accepting it all, for today.