Terror and Dread

I was using food so I didn't have to be different from other people. I could fit in. I could be "normal." My terror and dread of being different, of not being accepted or approved of, was being taken care of by food.  ~ A New Beginning page 20

Food as a tool, something to "fix" me,
to have a common bond, to blend in.
Oh, though, had they known how I used,
how I abused the food when they weren't there
when I could get by — or think I was —
while hiding my stash, plotting and planning,
wishing they'd go to bed, anxious to try,
to taste, to relax in decadence.
So, I used food to fit in, hoping against hope
they wouldn't see me as I hid in the open,
drove from one store to another, buying one sweet
after the same from another store, knowing the while
these people I wanted to impress would roll with amazment
if they saw what I hid from them trying to use it
just to fit in...