Every Day

Hasn’t this been our greatest problem: truly committing ourselves to refraining from compulsive eating on an ongoing basis? ...In Overeaters Anonymous we believe in abstaining from compulsive eating every day, one day at a time. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 2073-2076).

Truly committing.
I'm good at that.
I mean it…every time
I make the commitment...
one more time.
I mean it like I meant it
every time I started a diet,
a plan of eating, a regimen,
again. But I never got there,
never could succeed.
And now again I mean it.
every time, every day,
each time I commit again
one day at a time
but knowing that must be again
and again and again, each day,
every day. But the old patterns,
the old idea of diets,
still hold real estate in my head
and call me to old habits.
But OA calls, too. Power calls.
It's not my recommitment
but giving up, surrendering,
each day every day
without considering
changing my mind.

Deference

deference |ˈdefərəns|
noun
humble submission and respect: he addressed her with the deference due to age.

God is due reverence,
honor, respect.
But those things
seem to put me at par,
on the same level
as God. That's not true.
God os due deference,
which means I cannot be equal,
I cannot react as confident.
Instead I just learn to defer,
to respect, to have do doubt
he's due humble respect,
to be perceived where he is,
on a higher plain than I have seen.

Raising the White Flag

Surrender, then, is an unconscious event. It is not willed by the individual. It can occur only when one becomes involved with one’s unconscious mind in a set of circumstances which signal the undeniable need for an external greater power. The definition of surrender can be understood only when all its unconscious ramifications and true inner meaning are glimpsed. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 3027-3029)

I give up. I thought I could do it
at my own time, in my own way,
keeping my control, my management,
my supremacy. Incredible, huh?
That's called insanity. And it is.
I guess I thought I could control it all.
How many prisoners, laying down their arms,
retain control? Can they set the terms?
Can they determine the time of events?
Can they remain in control albeit in chains?
No. I give up.
I really do surrender.

Of the Battle of Sexes

So I turned my mind to understand, to investigate and to search out wisdom and the scheme of things and to understand the stupidity of wickedness and the madness of folly.

I find more bitter than death
the woman who is a snare,
whose heart is a trap
and whose hands are chains.
The man who pleases God will escape her,
but the sinner she will ensnare.

“Look,” says the Teacher,
“this is what I have discovered:
'Adding one thing to another to discover the scheme of things —

while I was still searching
but not finding —
I found one upright man among a thousand,
but not one upright woman among them all.

This only have I found:
God made mankind upright,
but men have gone in search of many schemes.” ~ Ecclesiastes 7.25-29 NIV

Grrr.
A woman needs a man
like a fish needs a bicycle.
Grrr.
Still...
A leader cannot be tethered to
an over-possessive or manipulative
partner.
There’s truth behind the idea
behind every leader there’s a good
spouse,
even if he’s a husband.

God, help me understand
I tend to reach the level of those around me.
Lead me to associate with great people
and to listen to an awesome God.

Barbara B. Rollins A Time for Verse - Poetic Ponderings on Ecclesiastes (566-577)

The Basis

Stubbornness is ego-driven and fear-based. Perseverance is surrender to my Higher Power and is faith-based. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 1164).

The opposite of my character defects
is that quality I should have in its place.
Stubborn I can be. Saying the same thing,
insisting in the face of having tried and tried
to prove that for which there is no proof.
Because it's the way I've reasoned this out,
the result I want it to bring, the logical thing…
if my mind can be considered logical
but I have no thought of such a ruse.
Yet that's the fear showing. Back off.
Slow down. Trust the Power. Believe.

Perseverance will slip into the void
when stubbornness is exiled, is expunged.
Perseverance resembles it's naughty cousin
in many ways, yet the fear is banished
and faith moved in. Perseverance feels right
falls right into the void, but like serenity
for terror, like recovery for worry,
the self remains but completed,
a recovering being ready to be
of service and to show others people,
other pairs within myself,
the basis for becoming whole.

No Egos

Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon OA unity. ~ Tradition 1, Overeaters Anonymous

We are a group.
We are insane people.
We are powerless,
our lives unmanageable.
We come in usually
with no self-respect,
believing ourselves worthless
while trying to pretend
we're the top of the heap,
God's gift to you.
We stay to learn
we're equal, excellent,
worthy human beings.
But to stay healthy,
to be restored to sanity,
to be a family of choice,
the ones who don't
let each other down,
we leave our egos behind
and just do the one job we have
keeping clean our side of the street.

Proof

Disobedience is as much a proof of authority as obedience. You cannot be a rebel without acknowledging a government. You cannot be a heretic unless you are first a believer. ~ Tiffany Reisz

It's not so hard,
coming to believe
a power greater than I
can restore me to sanity.
Evidence exists in people
those around me who have changed,
those I watch transform
before my eyes.
It's not necessary
to buy a theology
fully formed,
take the ancient wisdom
incorporate it into mine,
walk off an evangelist.
I can just say "more likely then not"
and "I can act like that."
And that's enough.
That's all the proof I need
and that which comes
with my changed life
is enhancement,
so to say…
icing on the cake.

Life's Journey

Adrift in a morass of regrets
I stare at the ocean liner
offering to lift me to luxury.
Restrained by fear,
chained by inertia,
petrified by panic.
I'm going nowhere
but surely that can't be
my fault.

When Love Becomes an Instinct

Amazing what's happening when love becomes an instinct. ~ television story about a man with Alzheimer's out to buy flowers for his wife the day before Mother's Day

There's an etiquette of gift-giving, one that mothers knew
way before Sheldon's pacing the stage of Big  Bang Theory
holding multiple packages to have one in a reciprocal range.
There's a purpose for presents higher than looking good
when a day of designated thoughtfulness  comes around and to not won't do.
There's a place for the love of doing for the doing's sake,
of sharing because I'm happy and I want to spread that to you,
of seeing a need and responding — so long as the response isn't codependence…
There's a time for love way above and beyond expectations,
a time to do it because it's the right thing to do.

New News

Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does? ~ Alcoholics Anonymous: the "Big Book" (Kindle Locations 800-801)

We sat in the hospital room
hearing a doctor recently back from Harvard
tell the latest news — for the elderly
blood pressure at an erstwhile normal rate
may be too low, causing falling, that the new right
is 150. We visited, talking of coffee —
good for you, bad for you, good for you —
then there's the theory of global warming…
or is it cooling…just climate change?
And the cause? We live in a time when news
repeats the old, thousands of years old,
and happens again but different, day after day.
But our age, just like some eighty years ago
is characterized by ease in discarding,
in readiness to accept…
But truth is truth, right is right,
and while all thing change there are principles
that remain the same
forever.

Envy

Envy is nothing more than a hostile form of self-pity. ~ Courage to Change, Page 170

The green monster tells me
you've got better than I.
He's not very credible,
being green and all,
But he's so accomplished
at spinning the tales,
convincing me, making me long…
But the problem is he wears a mask
a disguise to keep me from seeing
he's really just me, my worst face forward
and that when I see his green
I'm feeling unworthy, denied,
less than favored, rejected.
I am rejected, for I'm doing it myself.

What We Think We Can Get Away With

We will no longer simply do what we feel like doing or what we think we can get away with. Instead, we will earnestly seek to learn God’s will for us, then we will act accordingly. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 24

What I can get by with...
I can eat in the car,
ditch the wrappers
before getting home
and get away with it
if only a few times
if day doesn't follow day.
I can lie and make you believe
smoothly, convincingly.
I can remember what I read,
recite it pretty darned well,
convince you I read more often
than true the literature,
Big Book or Bigger Big Book.
I can talk the talk,
convince you I walk the walk...
or
I
can
recover.

To Die For

I choose to see that as poison, not to die for. It is to die for, it will kill you!....I need to change my frame of reference about how I describe food. ~ Miranda O

When they speak of the newest recipe,
the food from the greatest bakery,
from the most famous chef
and call it "to die for"
they speak the truth!
Like from the mouths of babes,
from those who don't understand,
from people who draw their pleasure
from that which is destructive,
from the old patterns we've long-ago learned
bring humiliation, self-hatred, misery…
from them we hear "to die for"
and know it's a message from the Power
that Is, and it's absolutely true.
That food is to die for but I choose to live.

With an Open Mind

...if you will read our literature and that of Alcoholics Anonymous with an open mind… ~ Overeaters Anonymous "Our Invitation to You"

"More will be revealed"
goes the legend of mysterious content
missing from the Big Book.
But if not the words, the truth is there…
if you will read our literature
and that of Alcoholics Anonymous
with an open mind…How many times have we read them
though more often in a meeting
than in our living room, our office,
our private spot? How often do we read
and use the words to confirm, to pat our backs,
to jump to what we planned to say
even before we read? Reading
means more than mouthing words,
than reciting truths, than going through motions.
Reading the material with an open mind,
ready to hear, expecting communication,
knowing more will be revealed
if we just listen… THEN recovery is guaranteed
and the 12-step roadmap will lead us home.

Part if the Group, Recovering

...if you will keep coming back to meetings to talk and listen to other recovering compulsive overeaters… ~ Overeaters Anonymous "Our Invitation to You."

And listen to other recovering compulsive overeaters.Do you see the presumption? The assumption?
It's not just an instruction to listen to those around,
the ones you see to be recovering. Instead, you're there,
one of the recoverers. How do they know?
It's an invitation read to newcomers,
part of what you hear that very first meeting,
and still you're included…I'm included.
But how do you get there? Simple.
If you keep coming back to meetingsand listening! That's how you get to be one,
how you're included. Without even knowing it
or seeing it happening to you. You can see it in them
and they can see it in you.

Whatever!

...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. ~ Philippians 4:11b-13, NIV

Anywhere. I can be miserable and take a geographical,
moving to make things better in a new place
and I take the misery with me, accomplishing less than nothing.
But if my head is in the right place, if I'm in recovery,
if I have surrendered and I'm right in my mind,
I can stand before a judge and when she asks
how I am, I can say, "I'm blessed." And when I'm the judge
and hears that response, I learn again the wisdom of a prisoner
named Paul who learned the lesson I yearn to learn
so I can really be content wherever!

Honesty

  If you will honestly face the truth about yourself and the illness… ~ Overeaters Anonymous "Our Invitation to You"

Face the truth about me.
I can cheat on an abstinent meal,
rounding the measures just barely,
getting one more grape to make enough
but never stopping short of that.
I can hedge about my weight,
telling the truth but wording it
so it's the total amount I lost
no matter how long ago that was,
how pounds have creeped back up.
I can go six calories over the top
of a two-hundred count day's limit
but never that much below the bottom
of the range. I'm a compulsive person,
I'm an eater who eats that way,
and I'm compulsive about the way
I measure even when I call it
recovery.

 

The Answer

Can we guarantee you this recovery? The answer is simple. ~ Overeaters Anonymous "Our Invitation to You"

Simple, not easy. And not a bequest.
Recovery is not given to all,
whether or not sought,
no matter the attitude toward receipt.
It's not some divine right,
a doctrine of authority given,
a natural right, something unquestionable.
The answer is simple...but that simple sentence
is followed by a string of clauses
beginning with if.
But for a person who wants sanity,
who wants to recover, who needs the answer,
for a person willing to go to any lengths,
the truly, The answer is simple.

Testaments

As our personal stories attest, the Twelve-Step program of recovery works as well for compulsive overeaters as it does for alcoholics. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, "Our Invitation to You"

A last will and testament...
evidence of the desires of a person.
surviving, taking effect, after death.
Testament, a word meaning proof,
evidence. The effect of having attested.
a formal certification.

That's what personal stories do —
sometimes around a table at a meeting
of two or three of four hundred people
of like mind, seeking recovery —
occasionally set out in a book,
an anthology of stories, the basic book,
the evidence of the effectiveness
of twelve steps, as apropos for gluttons
as for alcoholics — these are the core,
the heart, of the program. These stories
bound together in a volume touched me,
told my story, showed me the possibility
that still hope could bring peace, attain joy.

The words of those who went before,
living and dead, are the proof I needed
to find life, to set aside living death.

I sought professional help a third time, attempting to sort through my psychoses (my term, not a clinical diagnosis). Something this time was prodding and piercing my protective wall. The gift from my counselor of the second edition of the book Overeaters Anonymous finally cracked through it. ~ Slender Steps to Sanity - Twelve-Step Notes of Hope (Kindle Locations 88-90).

Where's the Fight?

She was angry that she didn't hurt me like I hurt her. ~ An OA Sponsor on her Sponsee dissolving the relationship

It probably takes two to tango.
It usually takes at least two to fight
though as we replay our resentments
in our heads we carry on decades-long feuds
at times. But out in the open, outside a head,
two are required to engage in combat.
That can be a problem when one of the two
lives by the wisdom, "What she thinks of me
is none of my business." When one of the two
sees that setting limits on time, on involvement,
on hand holding, on playing through arguments
time after time after time and again
is the saner course, the way of recovery...
when one of the two accepts recriminations,
accusations, attacks and understands them
as part of the other's state of mind, of illness,
of insanity...
when one of two doesn't join the fight
then where's the fight?

Daughter of a Daughter of a Victorian Mother

The expectation for each grade, an A,
and for dishes washed, dried…not in the sink.
Chew your food, never talk with your mouth full.
Do you not know prepositions? Don't end with "of."
Surely you don't intend to wear a dress that dirty.
Can't you plan meals with color-compatible dishes?
The rules of a lifetime come back, rules my
mother lived by. On how many different mornings
did thoughts of rules, followed or ignored, eclipse the dawn?

I'm dead center, sitting on Granddaddy's lap, between Grandmother and Mother.

All the World Needs Recovery

The OA recovery program is patterned after that of Alcoholics Anonymous. We use AA’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, changing only the words “alcohol” and “alcoholic” to “food” and “compulsive overeater.” ~ Overeaters Anonymous "Our Invitation to You"

Everybody needs a twelve-step program.
And how many dozens of identified problems
have found his answer, discovered the sameness,
created a new "Anonymous?"

Twelve-step programs benefit everyone,
not just those lucky enough to find their program.
The truths are universal. But sometimes I wonder...
Bill Wilson got sober and within a day or two
his delusions of grandeur had him spreading salvation
to a world of drunks. But it's not a delusion if it's true.

Not that Wilson did it, not even Wilson and Smith.
It was a community growing through the discoveries,
through experiencing recovery without knowing how.
The twelve steps were a gift to Bill and Bob...
and through them to the whole wide world,
those who have found their "Anonymous"
and those who have found life better by knowing
those.

Forgive EVERYBODY

That is why even the first covenant was put into effect with the blood of an animal. For after Moses had read each of God’s commandments to all the people, he took the blood of calves and goats, along with water, and sprinkled both the book of God’s law and all the people, using hyssop branches and scarlet wool. Then he said, “This blood confirms the covenant God has made with you.” And in the same way, he sprinkled blood on the Tabernacle and on everything used for worship. In fact, according to the law of Moses, nearly everything was purified with blood. For without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness. ~ Hebrews 9:18-22 (NLT)
It is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 77

“Forgive us our sins
as we have forgiven those
who sin against us.”
I’d rather shed blood
than forgive sometimes —
my own, even, not the blood
of calves or goats.
In fact, I’d rather shed my blood
than kill – or hurt – calves or goats.
I feel so unworthy,
so low, so base
nothing could matter less than me.
Nobody could rank lower.
But this is about forgiveness —
how did I get here, to the ladder rungs?
Who’s sinned against me?
I have. I’ve dismissed me,
shunned me.
I forgive me.
I matter.

God, teach me to accept gifts —
yours, and others’.
Teach me to reach out when I need help.

A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us by Barbara Rollins with OAStepper (Kindle Locations 1353-1374).

Proven, Workable Method

We have found that the reasons for the illness are unimportant. What deserves the attention of the still-suffering compulsive overeater is this: there is a proven, workable method by which we can arrest our illness. ~ "Our Invitation to You"

Would there be a need for a new kind of AA,
for Analytical Anonymous? Populating it
would be a breeze, for it seems many folk
in rooms of recovery might admit to membership.
I've tried to analyze why I eat, why I fail to diet,
why enough food to make me sick is not enough still...
I've sought to scrutinize the way the steps work,
how it fits together. But that's me, stuck in my head,
drowning in my addiction, in my ineptness,
in being powerless... But analysis, identifying causes,
explaining the problems — unimportant!

Investigation means nothing. It's just the simple truth...
the steps work! And simply accepting the steps,
calmly doing them, that's all it takes to stop the chaos,
to arrest the illness, to begin to become free and sane.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. (Confucius)

A Discovery!

We of Overeaters Anonymous have made a discovery. At the very first meeting we attended, we learned that we were in the clutches of a dangerous illness, and that willpower, emotional health and self-confidence, which some of us had once possessed, were no defense against it. ~ Overeaters Anonymous "Our Invitation to You."

There's the "ah-ha" moment,
then there's the "well, duh!" moment.
Ah-ha makes you feel brilliant,
on top of the game, the heap,
even the world.
It's not a lot different from well, duh! —
maybe none except the way it feels.
And the dejection, the self-loathing,
the stupid-feelingness happens
when we're in this disease,
the one we don't know we have
even when the primary sympton
is the focal point of our lives.
But it is a sickness, one we have no way
to stubborn-it through.
We can't fix it, cure it, endure it.
And in the rooms of recovery
miracles happen. And one of those
is making this well, duh! into ah ha!!

What Disturbs Me

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us. ~ Hermann Hesse

Egotistical do-gooder know-it-all!
You cannot hear of a problem
without gallant expressions of caring,
condolences, comparison with your own
memories, the bad times, the extreme,
how yours were even worse than theirs.
You criticize, correct grammar,
answer with spite
when to say nothing would be better.
You tell me what to do, how to do it,
but I know  you — you don't practice
that preaching you so freely give.
I know you well. Because you are me
and the defects I see so clearly in you
I can easily ignore in me.

Beautiful Anyway

They dressed up beautifully and they grubbed down beautifully. ~ Lanaya Baker

Beauty is not sold at the cosmetic counter,
on the dress racks, at the plastic surgeon's.
Beauty arises from the inside out,
and shines in the eyes, in the smile,
in the kind word. Beauty bubbling up
a well of love and loveliness
refreshes all around, spreading peace.

Claiming Attributes

Ask me to name one outstanding quality about myself, and I will hem and haw, knowing deep down that my best self-appraisal is unreliable. It seems safer to be derogatory than complimentary, to criticize rather than praise. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 1497-1498).

Intelligence and education.
That summed up my positive points
in my mind for many years.
I've got those, can't deny them,
for they're well documented.
But there's more. I'm a decent judge...
of character, of veracity, of people.
I'm a leader, capable of independent work
but able to lead large groups as well.
I'm a listener, and my analytical brain
can catch those threads most central,
the key. I write easily and well,
have become a decent editor,
have no need to be embarrassed
by those who think I know computers,
no reason to put down the compliment.
I am loved and I love, and I'm a friend.
I'm not all bad, but then again
my better qualities come to the fore
when I have the confidence, the humility,
to turn the unuseful ones over
when they harm my service to the good.

Six

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

The sixth step, miniscule
in direct coverage, verbiage,
in the Big Book. One little paragraph,
restating willingness is indispensable,
a couple of questions, a what-if answer,
and it's done. But the minutest may be mighty,
the miniscule massive. Humility reigns,
with knowledge we cannot,
and after full disclosure and self-awareness,
ready can really happen.
Entirely. And for the first time perhaps
we're willing for it to come from outside,
that God needs to do it, that our Power
can remove our pesky,
irritating,
irascible,
once indispensable...
defects.