Candy Wrapper in the Car Trunk

It's the wrapper from a Snickers bar,
not alone. There are empty donut sacks,
bags from most of the food drive-throughs
in town. They had been tossed on the floor
of the passenger's seat by the driver
whose practice that was. Then, on those days
when a passenger was ti sit there, the driver
frantically collected the incriminating debris
to hide it out of sight. There being no trash bins,
sometimes the trunk became the receptacle.
It hasn't happened in months, though.
What would the trash have to say?
World it long to be full again,
to have the  driver's attention?
Does it want company, another or several
new loads of trash? That won't be happening--
if the driver has her way!
The car now goes to meetings
of Overeaters Anonymous,
and while that continues, the driver
has the strength to eat at a table, planned meals only,
avoiding trigger foods and trigger behaviors
like haunting drive-through lanes
eating things she knows are not what she needs.

What Is a Peppermint?

For some peppermint is an aroma, an oil
a flavoring, an essence utilized sparingly.
For a compulsive overeater such thoughts embroil
the mind which sees red and white candy exclusively.

Is this essentially different, so outlandish
as to be a breach in the meaning of words?
Is there need to analyze, examine, establish
a common core of meaning of nouns and verbs?

The issue has nothing to do with vocabulary
but is relevant to everything about compulsion.
If a person is unable to deviate, to vary
the thoughts, the need for comfort food, the revulsion
that comes with avoiding crutch foods
inevitably brings self-destructive attitudes.

A Recovery Quatern

Keep coming back it really works
assuming you want it to,
if you give up, find a Power
that can manage your life and acts.

It's simple but it's not easy,
keep coming back it really works
an earnest try to to live twelve steps
success is inevitable.

Inevitable truly sought,
the most important part of life
keep coming back it really works
one day at a time all your days.

It becomes your own way of life
the only one you'll ever choose
a source of peace, serenity,
keep coming back it really works!

New to the Rooms

She walked in the door met with stunned silence,
she knew why, stared at the floor
aware some of these people saw horns on her head.
Why had she thought she could come?
They called themselves anonymous,
but she was notorious. How could her mentor have thought it would work?
Tears welled as her headache returned.
"Welcome, we're glad you're here!
We are about to read from chapter two
of this book." She took the book and opened it 
with shaking hands.

Doing Good

All of us want to do well, but if we don't do good, too, then doing well will never be enough. ~ Anna Quindlen

Doing well: doing satisfactorily, nicely,
correctly, properly, fittingly, suitably,
appropriately.
Doing good: that which is morally right;
righteousness, virtue, goodness, morality,
integrity.
Doing well requires meeting society's expectations.
Doing good requires meeting a higher standard,
best if not only done by surrendering to a higher power.

One Marvelous Day

One day, when I can believe
             the things you tell me,
Our home will be improved,
            but you deserve that from me
And I know you've not had it.
Honesty deserves the focus,
               to be a given always.
To be expected, the standard.
That day will come to be, to stay
                 if we both want it.
The best gift we could give each other
                is to make that day today.

Taste

I would have told you years ago
the most important sense
for me was taste.
Of course that's because
eating was my passion,
my pastime, my hobby,
my obsession. I wasn't picky.
Well, not exactly true,
given the choice I'd choose
the food with the most sugar,
the highest fat content,
the largest serving size.
When I say I wasn't picky,
I mean I'd try to beat the dog
to a tidbit on the floor,
I'd clean the table eating
from the plates, depriving
the disposal or trash can,
even to the point of taking trash
and eating it if someone
foolishly put a treat there.
You would think that would make me
be a walking glossary of taste,
a connoisseur of flavors.
Sadly, no. Only in eating what will nourish your body, not perpetuate
your bulk do you begin to understand food remaining
in the mouth more than a millisecond has actual flavor!

Ojalá Que Sí!

Oh how I wish it were so!
But what specifically do I regret?
Too early deaths, Mary Ellen,
Jonathon, others not so close to me,
and could I have prevented them,
I would have, but I could not.
It took a few careers to figure out
what to be when I grew up,
but each of them contributed,
made me who I am. It took years
to find Recovery, and would that
my Recovery had been more diligent,
but sixty years of habits don't vanish
in the blink of an eye. I could name 
a few hundred lies I'm told myself
and others and more I've lived
pretending things didn't hurt.
After thirty-seven years of marriage
I left, returned eleven months later;
I could regret either or both decisions.
Perhaps the largest regret was telling secrets
not mine to tell, but all in all, I agree 
with Old Blue Eyes, my regrets
aren't worth discussing. 
I've done alright, my way.

Of Myself I Am Nothing

Now if, as we seek the real truth about justification, we find we are as much sinners as the Gentiles, does that mean that Christ makes us sinners? Of course not! But if I attempt to build again the whole structure of justification by the Law then I do, in earnest, make myself a sinner. ~Galatians 2:17-18 (Phillips)

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It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85)

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Out of alignment
I reclaim my course,
tried, proven untrue,
but so logical, so cogent, so clear.

And so wrong.
Of myself I am nothing.
I become something only when
abandoning myself
I yield to God, to a higher will
a greater good
to the real truth.
The gifts received, recovery gained,
persist conditionally
dependent on my choice
of acceptance or rejection
each this day.I give up, God.
I still can't run my life.
It's in your hands.

Why Don't You Join Us?

One requirement, only one, that you want
to stop eating eating compulsively.
If got want to stop, have tried to quit,
found that you couldn't, and give up
the chase, you're welcome here,.
you'll find we are you. Welcome
to Overeaters Anonymous, 
why don't you join us?

Yo-yoing Self Esteem

I continued my dieting and bingeing cycle, followed by yo-yoing weight and yo-yoing self-esteem. ~ Overeaters. Overeaters Anonymous, Third Edition (Kindle Location 731).

Self-esteem is a right of every person
but I tossed that right away with
my Brownie Scout uniform.
I got the good feelings I craved
in cookie jars, candy displays,
and the edges of any cake plate
not under the watchful eye
of my mother or some other tyrant,
or so it seemed. The issue for this girl
wearing "plus-sized clothes"
was not yo-yo dieting but the
yo-yo self-esteem that caused it. 

Courage

All courage is a form of constancy. It is always himself the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals come easily. ~ C McCarthy

When cowardice controls me, fear taking over,
being in charge, the cowardice is an entity,
more than emotion, greater than angst,
terror personified, separate, detached,
free-standing. Picking it up, lugging it with me
is furtherest from my mind. I want to flee,
abandon it, distance myself, disown it...
like a fart that came from me but no one should know...
I walk away abandoning the essence of me,
From that point leaving a food plan, meetings,
the Steps, a Higher Power I seem not
ti understand at all.

It need not happen. If I seek courage,
treasure it when I receive it, hold on to it,
I can keep all else that matters to me...
everything that matters.

Different

Same is comfort.
Predictable. Expected.
Different nettles. Chafes.
Different enlarges the horizon,
expands the canvas,
opens doors. 
When you need growth 
give different a try.

The Brick Wall

..before I took off to slam my head against the brick wall of my life. ~ Kirsten Ashley, Hold On

When life is a brick wall, know better is better,
better is doable, better is within reach.
In the Rooms of Recovery we have a name for this.
Ir's called Step One. "We admitted we were
powerless over food — that our lives
had become unmanageable." Then
we set out to fix it with Steps Two through Twelve.
Try it! It feels a heck of a lot better
than head on brick wall!

Make Your Own God

 My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, “Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?” ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 454-455).

In the beginning God created.
Many centuries later in the beginning
of Recovery the addict created God.
It's a way around issues in our pasts
that inhibit accepting the only God we've met...
whether the issue comes from
fire and brimstone sermons, from clergy
who find worldly pleasure with innocents,
from learning of God in a manner
engendering guilt...from a rebellion
tossing away ideas seemingly
not rooted in possibility...
At that point you can write a job description
of a higher power you could respect,
borrow the God someone else believes in,
or act as if there were a God you could respect.
A myth? A wish? A huge reach? Sure.
But the fact is they all can work.

 

"Howard Be Thy Name"

Gratitude for Darkness

Darkness deserves gratitude. It is the alleluia point at which we learn to understand that all growth does not take place in the sunlight.
~ Joan Chittister

Death and dying, illness and injury.
Gratitude? Maybe it comes easily
for the life of the departed,
for how much worse the illness
or injury could have been.
But for the darkness itself?
Can we see it as the alleluia point
where we learn to understand
growth does not happen only
at the happy times?
I speak of 1997 as my hell year.
For me, my sons, my father
six hospitalizations, seven hospitals.
close to sixty-five hospital days.
The effect on my life?  knew
I was physically destroying myself
emotionally. I began a long process
of recreating my life. Ten years later
Rodney Adkins recommended
the option of keeping on going,
a way to see that growth happens
in the dark times.

Greedy SOBs Anoymous

The peer pressure I have has to be the healthy kind…those are the people you can share your life with. - Miranda O

Have you seen the difference in relationships
you have with program people
compared to those whose greed controls lives?
Those folks for whom the kindest thing you can say is,
"He doesn’t have a program, bless his heart."
With dozens of (Blank) Anonymous programs,
life for the rest of us could be improved by one more:
Greedy SOBs Anonymous.

Alone

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. ~ Ecclesiastes 4:12

Loner.
All by myself,
alone.
Standing on the sideline,
watching the action,
acting absorbed,
busy,
so you won’t speak.
Loner.
Lonely.
Lonesome.
I stand in the corner,
sit to the side,
a wall at my back,
silent,
unasking,
protective.
You’d take my back? You’d help
conquer the fear,
the fearsome?
And you, too?
I’m honored.
I’m enlivened.
Unbroken.

God, help me to know

help’s there,

I don’t have to stand alone.

Give me courage to accept

what’s freely offered.

A Time for Verse -
Poetic Ponderings on
Ecclesiastes
(Kindle Locations 344-353)

Overcome the World

31Jesus answered them, “Do you now believe? 32Behold, an hour is coming, and has already come, for you to be scattered, each to his own home, and to leave Me alone; and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me. 33These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” ~ John 17 New American Standard Bible - NASB 1995 (Kindle Locations 46636-46639).

So that you may receive peace.
We receive peace by no act of our own.
Jesus the Christ overcame the world.
We can take courage, turn the running
of our lives over to Him, and we receive
peace, courage, purpose, meaning,
love, and joy.

Claim the Calm

H.A.L.T. stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired.
It's a dangerous state for a person in recovery.
In fact, each of the four is a dangerous state.
But there's a remedy without eating, yelling, crying
or sleeping...or falling into old patterns
that got you to the rooms. Instead, halt.
Find your calm. Be at peace.
Say the Serenity Prayer, not once but as a chant.
Take a walk, a long bath, meet your real needs.
But claim your calm.

Longings

when the keepers of the house tremble,
and the strong men stoop,
when the grinders cease because they are few,
and those looking through the windows grow dim;
when the doors to the street are closed
and the sound of grinding fades;
when men rise up at the sound of birds,
but all their songs grow faint;
when men are afraid of heights
and of dangers in the streets;
when the almond tree blossoms
and the grasshopper drags himself along
and desire no longer is stirred.
Then man goes to his eternal home
and mourners go about the streets. Ecclesiastes 12:3-5

Hurdler,
colonel,
engineer,
captain of the band.
Baritone,
tinner,
mayor,
leader —
you could do everything
but hula-hoop and fix my Timex.
Now muddled of mind,
breathless,
a stranger in your own head,
you plan the ordinary,
relearn the routine.
The chasm gapes.
Daddy, can I be the child again?

Rollins, Barbara B.
A Time for Verse -
Poetic Ponderings
on Ecclesiastes
(Kindle Locations 878-888).

Timeless Truths

I am loved.
I am lovable.
I make mistakes
but I am not one.
I have talents,
abilities, worth
and I don't have
to prove it, earn it,
build it. I am
my higher power's
and that power is in charge
and I can rest and stay
in his care, in his will
but I must continue
to obey, to seek it,
to accept it.
But he's in charge
of that and I only
need accept it,
accept his love,

accept his peace,
accept his making me
worthy.

We're Not a Glum Lot

The diet mentality made us all glum,
defensive, angry. That's what many of us expected
here in the rooms of recovery.
Imagine someone...a lot of someones
learning what you did to hide your eating,
to keep people from knowing
you bought a dozen sweet rolls
"for the office" then drove a longer way
so you could eat them all instead,
stopping by a park to dump the wrappings before getting there.
You'd want to bury yourself first, yes?
But we would not, we in Recovery.
We'd tell the tail and when the others laughed,
we would join in, for everybody else knows,
have been there, too! No, we are not
a glum lot!

A Hundred Days of Retirement

(April 10th is the 100th day of the year.)

Plans to work miracles
with at least twenty-two hours a day
subject to my control, grand plans.
A Kindle book published in February
a major research book out this year.
A hundred days down, no progress
on either. Plenty of time to play games,
take naps, watch Jeopardy ten times
each week...but what needs done,
nothing comes of them. I run behind
on every commitment. I promise
to write gratitudes daily, fall off
after two. Who's in charge here?
I act as if I am, but I'm not. When I truly
turn my will and my life over to
my Higher Power, things get done.
Procrastination is chronic low-intensity fear.
I ought to know that. I live there.

We Resolutely Looked for Our Own Mistakes

I resented you for years,
you old fart, for your meddling
seemed always to make
my best-laid plans fizzle,
fade, die on the vine
and I would have sworn
your collective efforts
secured the failure
if all good things.
Honestly, though, now
as I examine my part,
I can see it's true
I constantly wore headphones
so no input from you,
wise as it might have been,
could mingle with my ideas,
could work into my introverted
interpretation of right and wrong,
of wise and foolish, of my stubborn pride...
I wish I'd been open to you
and hope I've learned to listen
before I judge you and your ideas.

Crisis

they chose
Golden Coral
I can't change plan
texting sponsor
frantic

Surrender

Stubbornness is ego-driven and fear-based. Perseverance is surrender to my Higher Power and is faith-based. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 1164). 

Perseverance - steadfastness,sure, dependable, reliable, constant,
unwavering. Wouldn't unwaveringbe closer to stubbornness, not perseverance?
Certainly there's kinship in the pair.
That's what makes them seem the same.
But stubbornness as doggedness,
bound and determined to not change.

Yes, that's driven by fear and ego.
Surrender which leads to perseverance
comes from surrender.

How do you take prisoners,
accept surrender? A white flag
or raising empty and open hands
above the head. Keep them silent
(they cannot plan an escape),
 Search (for weapons, maps, orders, etc.)
Secure (tie up or guard)
Safeguard (from dangers)
Separate (to facilitate control).
Surrender looks nothing like stubborn.
When you surrender...give up...
to your Higher Power, Stubborn
ceases to exist.

Find Your Happy Place

What's a Happy Place?
Urban Dictionary says
a place inside all of us 
where we are all happy 
and get the warm fuzzies. 
Our happy places 
are insulated from 
the shitheads 
that make up 
just about everyone 
we encounter.
Where's my Happy Place?
Anywhere, everywhere
I happen to be so long as
I have is a daily reprieve
contingent on the maintenance
of our [my] spiritual condition.1

 

1 Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Location 1286). 

Busyness

It seems I'm too busy.

That's ludicrous. Maybe I was
raising sons, playing the role
of a co-dependent wife,
practicing law, being a judge.
And-and-and. Serving on boards,
teaching Sunday school,
researching genealogy, medieval times,
historic women judges, whatever.
Now I sit in this chair more hours
than anywhere else except bed,
but it seems I'm too busy to clean house,
to write books that lurk in my head,
to exercise regularly. Today at a meeting
I was convicted I need daily gratitude lists,
and prayer, meditation, serious Step work.
Busyness gets in my way...until the right stuff
becomes more important. So, that happens today.

I Needed this DiseaseI

 My desperate need freed me to discover the energy source I now call God: the ultimate source of comfort, acceptance, love, and peace. God is the source of my abstinence and the source of my repose from the trials and tribulations of life on earth. I needed this disease to find this solution. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 1119-1121). Overeaters Anonymous.

I've benefitted from maladies from time to time.
Twenty years ago I was so tense I severed my rotator cuff
with a mild movement. Months later I developed
a blood clot too late to have been caused by the surgery.
From that...and the rest of my Hell Year...convinced me
I was killing myself. Still, ten years later I was much the same
and accepted the suggestion of a wise mentor to join O.A.
These last ten years I've moved toward Recovery,
finding peace and joy beyond my dreams. I could not be here
without O.A.  I needed this disease to find this solution.

AsSick As Our Secrets

I dealt with my secrets,
fourth and fifth step stuff,
and now I'm free. But am I?
How many secrets can I have,
and do they stop when I've told them?
How big is a secret? Can it be a bite,
a crumb picked up absently
going past the platter
of that cake I used to love?
Is it limited to what people can see?
Of course not. But if I avoid telling
what I do in public, what I can sneak
and do, is that less a secret
because I could have been caught
but wasn't? I heard a fellow say the other day
"I can't spell, and I don't want you to know
so I stand up here and tell you."
That's silly! If you don't want me to know
then don't tell me, and I'll do the same.
We'll both keep our secrets
and prove just how sick we can be.

Looking For Real

I no longer look for the good in people, I search for the real...Because while good is often dressed in fake clothing, real is naked and proud, no matter the scars. ~ Chishala Lishomwa

We tried to be real while we were in our illness
or at least to seem s, to convince others
we were better than we believed ourselves to be,
but we knew it was fake, for we were not fooled.
Then we found a community that loved us as we are,
and we could be real, and real was good,
for we became the loving community, and our scars
were our strengths, bringing in others trying for good
but needing to be real.

Three-Legged Stool

Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. For we also have had the good news proclaimed to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because they did not share the faith of those who obeyed.  ~Hebrews 4:1-2 (NIV)

To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face. ~Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 44

 A three-leg stool,
they say — 
physical, emotional, spiritual —
recovery requires all three.
But really,
spiritual comes first
for the others to last,
to manifest.
Recovery means
the spiritual becomes primary,
a recovered person an avatar,
God in me,
not like a blueberry
in a muffin
but like the ocean in a wave.

God, I offer myself to Thee.
Build with me,
use me,
freed from bondage,
a picture of
 your power, your love,
and your way of life.

Courage to Groe Up

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~ E. E. Cummings

Bitching is easy. Seeing what others could (should) do
to make your life easier is simple. Accepting responsibility
to make your own life happier just by accepting
you;re not due a bed of roses can be tough. It's not our pattern
to accept responsibility. When we begin to inventory
we begin with those we resent, work gradually to understand
we carry large quantities of the blame. Courage is the Principle
for Step Five, when we Admit to God, to ourselves
and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. When we can do that we have changed, become adults,
become the me we really are. What courage that takes!!