To My Knees

You've kept me standing
three-score and ten years,
from childhood
sitting on the floor, forming a W
to sitting on a stage struggling
to keep you discreetly close.
You've walked across stages
exiting four times with diplomas,
many others with recognition.
You've held me up in 28 states,
maybe more, 18 countries,
maybe more. You stood valiantly
carrying enough of me two adults,
carrying sons...until they could
carry me, but I've hurt you badly,
need to replace you, and still
you serve. I pledge to treat you better,
to live a life of Recovery
moving to a healthy body weight
to give us both
well-kneeded relief.

Escape from the Quicksand of Stinking Thinking

Be calm. Others have been there,
worked their way out.
You won’t sink far past your midsection.
Breathe deep, you'll float.

All that stuff you want to hold on to,
your comforts, your respectability,
your independence, toss it. It got you here,
won't take you away.
Ditch it, wriggle out of your shoes.
Don't hold on to anything you thought important,
stuff will pull you down like suction cups.
Flailing, wiggling makes the mess liquid
The further you sink, the squishiness eases.
You reach stability as the thick sludge
thickens, something to hold you.
But don't stay there. The bottom
can pull you deeper if you're complacent.
So move! Lie flat on your back on the mess

where you can float. If you decide you can fix it,
stand up, and take over...you'll drown.
Wiggling your legs, though, loosens the quicksand,
allows you to turn over, get on your knees,
and surrender, crawling out of the yuck of your life.
On solid ground keep it so, knowing you got
to the quicksand doing it tour way.
Build a bridge of Recovery over the bog
and find the life of your dreams.

 

It's a Job

I'm not in charge.
Normally in my life,
that's a way of saying
I'm only marginally involved,
watching from that periphery.
But it's different
in the context of recovery,
and EVERYTHING
is in the context of recovery
if I am truly working my program.
And when I turn myself over to God
to build with me and to do with me as He will,
I'm noI turn my t in charge,
but God is in charge,
and he's my boss.
So, I do what my boss tells me to do.
No, that's not making the decisions
as is my natural way to function.
Rather, it's taking orders,
doing what I'm told,
feeling free to ask for clarification,
for guidance
whenever I lack the grasp necessary
to do the assigned task.
Just get it done,
and when it's done
I have no need
to explain what and how...
it's not my job. I'm not in charge.
But what a paycheck I get
each day I'm abstinent,
serene, and filled with joy.

Teach Us To Pray

What do we say when we talk with God? We say whatever we feel like saying. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 93

 

Lord, teach us to pray.
Through centuries we've asked
for the script. And we've used them.
The "Our Father" and many others.
In "high churches" we have the liturgy,
a prayer for every purpose. In contemporary
worship, the words often rhyme and
are set to music. St. Francis, Evan Rogers.
Ignatius of Loyola, many other saints
and preachers gave us prayers.
The Big Book added two or more.
We've been taught prayers,
but we have many more...
the words of our mouths
and the meditation of out hearts...
prayers without limits, without rules,
these are the best. Except for all the rest
that communicate what we're led to say.

The Giver of the Gift

It was only when I became aware of all the gifts I had received that I asked who the giver was. What a shocking realization: because the gifts were surely divine, then equally as surely, the giver must also have been divine. ~Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 926-928).

Have you ever been at a time of gift opening,
Christmas, a birthday, a shower, and tried to reconnect
after the fact the gift and the giver?
It can be just as confusing if the gifts
are exactly what you've wanted for years and years
but those years of experience convince you
it's nothing you've done, no act of yours
that has brought them. Rather the giver
can be no other than that Power Greater than You
you've been acting as if it existed.
And the gifts are proof positive this idea
those Twelve-Steppers proclaim
really exists...despite your best logic!

I Want the Promises!

The Big Book promises
before we're halfway through
Step Nine the Promises
will come true! I want that!
I want to be amazed!
I want a new freedom
and a new happiness.

I don't want to forget the past
or wish to shut the door on it.
I want to comprehend "serenity"
and to know peace.
I want to see how the mess
that's my life can benefit others.
I don't want to feel useless
or to pity myself.
I want to have no interest
in selfish things but to gain interest 
in my fellows. I want Self-seeking 
to slip away. I want my whole attitude 
and outlook upon life to change. 
I want fear of people and 
of economic insecurity to leave me.
Most of all I want intuitively to know 
how to handle situations 
which used to baffle me. When all that
has come true, I will suddenly realize 
that God is doing for me what I 
could not do for myself.

It's Up To Me

We have been abandoned and neglected so often that we also abandon ourselves. - Beattie, Codependent No More, page 99

Hanging your hat on someone else
for happiness, for fulfillment,
for feeling whole, leaves you feeling less,
looking for someone else,
yet often finding that someone cannot
or will not carry that load.
I am capable, competent,
dependable...but have accepted
other opinions long enough,
often enough, I easily doubt these facts.
It is nobody else's job to the care of me.
My Higher Power and I have it covered.
And we choose not to abandon or neglect me.
I am capable, competent and dependable
and I do no good for anyone when I forget it,
when the power of being emotionally stuck
is far greater than the power of reason.

I Need You!

I need Thee,
O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

 

I can't...I'm powerless over food,

my life unmanageable.

God can. I came to believe

a Power greater than me could.

I think I'll let Him. I made

a decision to turn my life and my free

will over to Him. It was a good decision,

trusting somebody trustworthy,

Surely more than me!

I need Thee, O I need Thee.
All's well and good, but I goof
and trust myself, forgetting
the choice well made before
and trying again to do it myself.
Pretty soon things slip one by one,as tempers flare and fifty-three

resentments roil. Distress rages

triggering the urge to eat

once dormant but despite each plea

every hour I need Thee! 

I still can't. Good still can.

I need to let him consistently.

I know it's me, not God rebelling

and when I trust surrendering,

each day works well, I live in peace,

joy, serenity, when otherwise poor

decisions constantly trip me up.

But His rich blessings sustain

my life add I live in favor

O bless me now, my Savior.

 

Time after time I've learned again
the lesson that I can't, God can
the only sane decision is to let him.
Surely the sum of times had reached
a point of surfeit so  no longer need
the test repeated. I need no longer have to see
the results of further repetitions.
From this point on I'll pray for wisdom,
understanding, surrender, to be free:
I come to Thee.

My Sponsor

I came to her

an education slob,
convinced degrees
identified worthy 
friends. I heard her speak,
knew she married young,
her husband signing 
her report cards. 
I knew she'd been
in Recovery decades
while I had wore
unmatched shoes.
I needed a sponsor
and my friend trusted her,
I asked and she accepted.
I still want to edit her emails
but edit my recovery...
nobody can do it better than she. 

Simple Enough!

What exactly is meditation? Is it something hypnotic, strange, and beyond my capabilities? The dictionary tells me it means"to think contemplatively." When I look up "contemplative" it says "to view thoughtfully." ~ Courage to Change, p. 173, Al-Anon

So meditation is quite moments.
I should have known that!What
It can be reciting a prayer,
a quick SOS to HP, even
something like the prayer of
Thomas Merton:
“My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain
where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think
that I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always,
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
Simple enough!

Why Should I Care?

We allow others to determine when we will be happy; when we will be peaceful; when we will be upset; and what we will say, do, think, and feel. We forfeit our right to feel peaceful at the whim of our environments. -- Codependent No More, Beattie

I sit in the airport, ready to take hold of an adventure I planned six years ago,
showing my grandsons Lake Michigan.
I'm defying their grandfather by going.
And his words as we got in the car
to go to the airport ring in my ears.
My instinct is to forfeit my happiness
at the whim of an angry man. I am not responsible for his opinions, actions, words.
I'm only responsible for mine, and having considered the needs
of everyone inclined, including my own,
for once, I'll stand on that decision
and fly away, choosing serenity and joy.

We allow others to determine when we will be happy; when we will be peaceful; when we will be upset; and what we will say, do, think, and feel. We forfeit our right to feel peaceful at the whim of our environments. -- Codependent No More, Beattie

 

I sit in the airport, ready to take hold
of an adventure I planned six years ago,

showing my grandsons Lake Michigan.

I'm defying someone special by going.

And his words as we got in the car

to go to the airport ring in my ears.

My instinct is to forfeit my happiness

at the whim of an angry man.

I am not responsible for his opinions, actions, words.

I'm only responsible for mine,

and having considered the needs

of everyone involved, including my own,

for once, I'll stand on that decision

and fly away, choosing serenity and joy.

Noy Too Tough

Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another’s conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps. We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 844-847).

Construct a God. Long before Minecraft,
Ruby on Rails, any of the ultra-modern
phenomena so beyond the 1930's modern!
But we are to construct a God, clumsy,
inadequate as our attempts may be!
Admit the possibility of Power beyond me,
past your grasp, unorthodox as may be...
and a new sense (recognition), an idea
of Power, of direction, and it's a start...
a sufficient start to recognize this God.
this Power who starts with fondness,
with acceptance of those of us bold enough
to seek him, to reach for his hand.

What I Can Change

 “You haven’t been able to control your son, but you can gain control of yourself,” he said. “You can deal with your own codependency.” -- Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, page 24

Codependents are me
(or at least include me!)
Codependency is doing for others
(excessively, obnoxiously)
in a way  of setting out
to meet needs but for others
(in our opinion more needy than we)
but actually getting no needs met.
I can't change your needs,
his needs, her needs...
I can change only my needs.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
And God, I need the willingness
not to mess with what I have no power
or right to change!!

Spreading Dogbane

It may really be a wildflower,

but I'd bet most compulsive eaters

would agree, it's a description

of their life now, or before Recovery.

Spreading describes how problems

once small propagate endlessly.

Dog is what you feel like,

not a manicured purebred show-dog

but a cur, a stray, dirty and despicable.

The spreading dogbane plant

is beautiful despite the name.

The compulsive eater who identifies

with the name and not the beauty

can change the image, inside and out.

The solution is Overeaters Anonymous.

Spreading Dogbane

For the Long Haul

You're either in it for the long haul or you're not. ~ Crystal Gayle

I'm a compulsive overeater. I was ten years ago
when I found these rooms and I am now.
If I'm alive ten years from now, I'll still be.
It's like the Big Book says, What we really have
is a daily reprieve contingent
on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.
Every day is a day when we must carry the vision
of God’s will into all of our activities.
“How can I best serve Thee —
Thy will (not mine) be done.”
These are thoughts which must go with us constantly.
We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish.
It is the proper use of the will.
I'm in this for the long haul!

It Makes No Seense

Misery is optional.
You can't think your way
into a new way of living...
you have to live your way
into a new way of thinking.
It's a simple program
for complicated people.
The newcomer is
the most important person
in any meeting.
Many meetings, many chances;
few meetings, few chances;
no meetings, no chances.
To keep what you have,
you have to give it away.
If you do what you always did,
you'll get what you always got.
Resentment is like drinking poison
and expecting someone else to die.
Nothing is so bad, a drink won't make it worse.
Nobody ever found recovery
as a result of an intellectual awakening.
An addict alone is in bad company.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
One drink is too many
and a thousand not enough.
Seven days without a meeting makes one weak.
I'm perfectly imperfect.
Circumstances do not
MAKE us who we are,
they REVEAL to us who we are.
We're all here because we're not all there.
You can DO what you want,
or you can GET what you want.
To keep it, you have to give it away.

Dedicated to Me

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO ME. ~ Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (Kindle Location 36). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Why dedicate a book? What is the purpose?
A name and often a message prefixed
to a literary, musical, or artistic production
in tribute to a person or cause.
Who would have the nerve to honor
not some mentor, a family member,
a friend, someone they respect?
Who has the hubris to write the words,
" THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO ME."
Certainly not someone who is codependent,
"a psychological condition or a relationship
in which a person is controlled or manipulated
by another who is affected with a pathological condition
(such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin);
broadly:  dependence on the needs of or control by another."
The dedication can be written only by one who can say,
"I take responsibility for my choices."
It is someone with no need for
"the set of coping behaviors
we’ve come to label as codependency—
who learn what it means to take care of themselves."
I hope it can become someone like me.

Plutonium

Plutonium is not normal,
made by bombarding
something else explosive.
It's heavier than 80 percent
of elements. In public
exposed to air it forms
a dull surface not wanting
to be seen. It looses weight
slowly, taking almost 88 years
to lose half its mass.
Named for a planet like other elements,
even the planet was found not to be real.
Fatman plutonium bombs, well...explode.

Compulsive overeaters are not normies,
not like normal people.
Bombarded by trauma, by hurt,
by life, they become abnormally heavy.
yet seldom sparkle, internalizing
negativity so they feel ugly.
They try all kinds of diets, surgeries,
mind tricks, devices to be smaller
but any change for the better
will slip away leaving them heavy.
Compulsive overeaters need not remain
anathema, though, but can learn
to transform to balanced, non-explosive '
beings who function, when maintaining,
without exploding.

Fatman Plutonium Bomb

Petty Does Not Become You

 They failed to coddle you,
to make sure you were content,
that your needs were being met.
They considered a hundred other folks,
believed the setting invited your request
for extra help. You grew your resentment,
well fertilized, tended with care.
The solution is not for you to threaten lawsuit
but to work a Fourth...or Tenth...Step
to deal with your resentment.
Then don't neglect Step Nine!

My Dear Relapsed Sponsee

Would that I had wisely guided you.
You are missed. I could blame myself,
welcome a dung beetle role, but I won't.
It's a shame I couldn't have guided you
through the oceanography of Recovery,
kept you from becoming some exoskeleton
of a creature in this strange universe.
I tried to share my truth but heard my words
echoing and empty as though I were
a politician, so determined to spare your feelings
I led you nowhere at all, to a toilet flushing away truth.
There is hope here, waiting for your return.
I love you and wish for you the elation this program
holds out for you.

Wasted Lives

Bottom of the barrel,
dregs in the mug,
a plastic grocery bag
become a surrender flag
giving up from the treetop.
A hole dug so deep
it's become a grave.
Hope seems in vain
but hope anyway.
Better is the only path open.

What Was the Last Straw?

For me, knowing I was killing myself.
For Dee, being weighed on the freight scale.
For Jody, breaking his grandmother's chair.
For Sue, weighing 74 pounds.
For Chrissy, waking in the hospital alive anyway.
For Vanna, not finding slacks she could get into.
For every one of us learning we were powerless over food
and living unmanageable lives.

Words to Soothe

Words hurt, soothe, inspire, demean, demand, incite, pacify, teach, romance, pervert, unite, divide. Words be powerful. ~ Inga Muscio

What kind of work do you want your words to do?
Would you ever task your words to hurt? to demean?
Should they ever incite, bite, pervert? Have you needed
to soothe yourself with the salve of attempted indifference?
Have your words or deeds compelled that in others?
Is it better to smooth ruffled feelings or to expose
dark corners of life? Is one or the other always better?
Where does honesty fit in? Is a lie justified
by the hurt someone else feels? Words that heal
are soothing. Niceties  to give a person what they want
do not soothe if the speaker is lying.

Fixing My Recovery

I pray for willingness to get on with the twelve steps of recovery. That is the only way I know to replace my fears and insecurities with confidence and courage. When I am willing, there is no void and all things are possible. ~  For Today (Kindle Locations 208-210).

When I'm in charge my Recovery cannot thrive.
How do I repair serenity when that happens?
I must reclaim  the state of being "entirely ready."
When I do what my mind declares reasonable,
seeking self-preservation, the result shown time and again
is instead self-destruction. Trying to save myself
works against their my best instincts. Then...only then
God's grace enters and expels the obsession,
surrender bringing serenity, sanity, and true Recovery.
If you are trying, you are relying on yourself.
If you are willing, you are asking for guidance.
Willingness to have Recovery, is in a sense, a prayer.
Trying to be abstinent is an act of separation from God.
How do I fix my Recovery?I surrender,entirely ready.

At the End

We carefully work the Steps,
One, Two, Three, Four,
Five, Six, Seven, Eight and Nine.
Then Ten, Eleven and Twelve...
continuing the first ten.
But at the end of the Steps,
we're spreading the message,
increasing the fellowship 
and newcomers and we
begin at Step One 
as the circle continues.

In the Beginning

They're in order these Steps.
To begin we figure out
we're powerless over food,
our lives are unmanageable.
In other words, we can't.
We move to God can,
and we decide to let him.
After that it falls into place,
if we remember they're in order.

We Failed Her

She came in angry, roaring for a fight.
We greeted her, asked about her,
heard her recitation of grievances.
Most of us tried to calm her, to accept her,
to make her feel among friends.
One or two called BS on her,
told her to put it behind her,
to work the steps, inventory the issue,
consider restitution. Most of us
knew crosstalk when we heard it,
suggested she work with her sponsor,
talk to individuals after the meeting.
She stormed out, slammed the door,
roared from the parking lot.
We failed her today,
and we'll each be doing inventories
watching for selfishness, dishonesty,
resentment, and fear. (in us, not her).

When these crop up,
we ask God at once to remove them.
We discuss them with someone immediately
and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.
Then we resolutely turn our thoughts
to someone we can help.

Making a Sponsor

Take one newcomer
powerless, unable
to manage life.
Add a non-newcomer
who has worked the Steps,
at least some of them.
Combine with literature,
meetings, telephone,
email, a touch of texting
if both amenable.
Mix with care, communication,
honesty, humility...
Stir well and frequently.
Continue regularly
with frequent Step work.
Add a newcomer and
you'll have a sponsor
and a grand sponsor.

Spark Lighting

What's wrong with your life?
Where is your program not working?
Is your recovery broken?
All over? Or just physical?
Only emotions out of control?
Is your Higher Power
a mystery, a stranger to you?
Where is the problem?
Where do you need to ask
for a spark to reignite
something in your life?

Where I Cannot See

Holy Spirit, shine your healing light on the areas I cannot see.  ~ The Overcomer's Workbook, Monica P. and Megan F.

What can't I see?
During the years
before Recovery
now, certainly.
the answer resounds.
What of residual blindness
all these years later?
What of habits, mannerisms
I see in others that infuriate me?
How often have I learned
they're my traits as well?
Are you acting like your parent
but bitter they treated you that way?
Do you communicate you know more,
have more, are more than others?
Do you honestly think they agree?
Do you strive to control others
since you know the answers for them
as well as your own?
Chances are before Recovery
you believed yourself better
than the common folk,
or the opposite, at the bottom of the pile.
Do you still?
Are you co-dependent?
Do you let feelings
and actions of another
affect you to the point
you feel you've lost control
of your own life?
What can you now see
by praying "Holy Spirit,
shine your healing light
on the areas I cannot see."

A Miracle in Waiting

Simple rules, do as you're told

understanding you've learned it wrong

you've chosen to use an inadequate mold.
You're not alone, we've all been there

you'll find the way and grab ahold,

simple rules in just twelve steps.
put into use seem made of gold

so life itself becomes a song
improving through time a hundredfold.