Waiting for a Miracle

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
For by it the elders obtained a good report.
Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear. ~  Hebrews 11:1-3 (KJV) 

Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 16

The elders obtained a good report.
How many people have stayed
in the rooms, waiting for a miracle
based on the substance – the import —
of things hoped for,
evidenced by recovery in others.
Evidence of potential miracles
can be peace in a face,
serenity in a life,
potential incarnate
in the formerly hopeless.
We may never see these hoped for things,
yet want what these folks have.

God, grant me faith,
give me courage to demand
nothing more, wisdom
to know that’s all I need.

From A Cloud of Witnesses 

Equal Unequals

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~ Hebrews 11:1 NIV

How can things not meaning the same
be defined so well in the same words?
Faith is not Recovery,
Recovery is not Faith,
but both are the substance
of things hoped for,
the evidence of things not seen. 

Emptied

An empty shell,
abandoned.
I walk away from my defenses,
the fat that protected me,
from regrets and shame
paralyzing me,
from resentment and blame
that released me from culpability,
from lies I carried and enhanced
to keep the first slip concealed.
I may look the same
but that's not me.
I have a brand new start.

Perspective

Nose to a barrier, it looms, formidable.
A slight, an embarrassment, a stumble
can focus the eyes of the world, disapproving,
scorning your ineptitude.
With distance, though, the barrier shrinks,
shows clearly how easily passed it is.
When your nose is too close, back off.
See if under or over can't be replaced
with a simple around.

Might As Well

As the whisky rose to my head I told myself I would manage better next time, but I might as well get good and drunk then. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​page 6

The old "might as well" attitude.
I messed up, failed,
so I'm a failure,
and I'll wallow in that mud
for now with all the intention
tomorrow - or on Monday,
or January 1st,
or sometime
I'll get it right
by doing
the same thing again
and proving
I'm a failure
and worthless
again.

Thank God
there's an exit sign
if we just pay attention
and we can escape
the miserable funhouse.

Winning!

If I couldn’t win, I refused to play... ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition

"Card shark" my uncle called me
near the floor heating vent
of my grandparents' home
about the time he brought me
a toy banjo from Minnesota to Texas.
"I'm glad you won
because you don't lose well,"
Mother said when I telephoned
with election results.
I can know another Toastmaster
spoke better than I, but rue
not getting the nod of the votes.
I can do it myself! My refrain
for decades, heartfelt, proved false.
In running my life
I place a distant second
since I learned to let go
and reap the rewards.

Meditation

Meditate
on who's not god
and who is.

Meditate
on will gone awry
and on yielding to will
and power.

Meditate
on life lived
as personal best
producing chaos
and on life lived
surrendered
where best
means best.

The Best

We deserve the best. We are willing to accept the best. ~ Louise Hay. Power Is Within You

I deserve the best.
I'm a child of God,
beloved, loyal —
at least most the time,
at least as I understand
what's expected,
what's allowed,
what my part is and how.
I deserve the best.
How, though, do I transmogrify
into someone
who might be willing
to accept
the best?

Live, Laugh, Love

Today is the day you have —
live it well.
Don't take yourself seriously,
fearing to speak, ruing what you said,
dwelling on what others think of you —
laugh often, make your world smile.
Know the insecurities, the fears, the hurts
of people you encounter.
Understand they share your doubts —
love them all without reserve,
hoping only to make their lives glow
and your own will as well.

Today!

I've spent my life regretting the past,
scheming, dreaming the future, what if's.
I don't have yesterday, can't grasp tomorrow,
but choose to live, conscious, engaged, alive!

Alloy to Weapon

Out of this alloy of drink and speculation, I commenced to forge the weapon that one day would turn in its flight like a boomerang and all but cut me to ribbons. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, page 2

Mixing the metallic harshness of excessive drink
and risking large quantities of currency
to make an alloy, something more potent —
as in inherently more dangerous —
than either, the weapon of self-destruction.
Take one talented woman constrained by '50s mores,
add relationships with people expecting excellence,
seldom ratifying the achievement, stir in co-dependence
and conflicting world views, and produce the weapon
that protected me with layers of blubber
impervious to harshness but also to love
and acceptance.

I Gave Up Knowing

I gave up having to know when OA showed me a better way to live. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 1938-1939)

When I'm in charge of the world,
I must plan, order, structure... know!
for the world revolves around me,
depends on my insight and guidance.
Certainly I can never relax, have no one
to help, to guide, to counsel on the course.
When I admit the awful secret, >
acknowledge failure at times to have answers...
When I divulge my overwhelming ignorance
then I can do what I can, find solace and companionship,
set down the world from my shoulders
and find peace, hope, a world worth living in.

Surrender

Surrender is merely faith active: it is the way by which the desire of faith turns into determination, and it has to be made before the forces of grace can operate in any human life. ~ Courage to Change, Bill Pittman and Dick B.

If I were brave enough to fly
from trapeze to trapeze
the catcher would have to earn
allegiance, to be someone awesome,
a master at his task.
If I am brave enough to surrender,
to yield control of my life and will,
the recipient must be a master,
expert, awesome, and capable.

Lacking Humility

If we are surprised, shocked, deflated, or discouraged when a defect returns, we lack humility.  ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Location 740)

Perfection wasn't mine,
isn't now. Pride says
when I surrender a trait
I must abandon it completely.
After all, I identified the wrong,
became willing to release defects,
humbly offered up shortcomings —
if they come back have I done it wrong?
Is my work incomplete?
Or is there some deeper meaning,
a new level of growth awaiting,
understanding my then maturity
couldn't tackle? Do I trust?
Do I know I'm not in charge?
When can I learn to relish
another chance to bloom?

Excuses

I didn't sleep well,
have yawned all day.
I got organized, made a list,
ready to move through it.
In the process haven't emailed
Sponsor, skipped readings,
sloughed off. But hey,
I made a meeting, yawned through it.
Surely Sponsor and God will get it,
I need sleep.
Okay. I understand,
they get it.
I can sleep after I finish
recovering today.

Consent

Later, he requested the privilege of being allowed to tell his story to other patients here and with some misgiving, we consented. ~ Dr. William D. Silkwood

We consented.
Bottom line.
Sometimes decisions
come with misgivings,
with doubt and fear
and dread, with qualms
and trepidation.
Doing the right thing
doesn't always feel right,
gives no warm fuzzies
in the doing.
But when the right thing is right
damn the misgivings,
it's out of our hands
and we stand by to watch
the miracles.

By the Time

By the time we got to Woodstock we were half a million strong. ~ Song lyric, Joni Mitchell

Improbably results from a shared dream,
whether a crowd of people on six hundred acres
in the Catskills or a hundred sober alcoholics
with a solution. When the time is right,
when the need is there, world-changing events
and cultural shifts happen.

Of a Tyoe

In late 1934 I attended a patient who, though he had been a competent businessman of good earning capacity, was an alcoholic of a type I had come to regard as hopeless. ~ William D. Silkworth

When an individual has tumbled deep
into addiction, distinguishing the one
from the mass strains perception,
taxes scrutiny. Descriptions degrade
to anecdotes, incidents, stories of life before.
As to character, habits, behavior,
distinctions evade selection.
Recovery recreates our hope and individuality.        

Jake Harper

His family put the fun in dysfunctional,as Jake stood by -- actually sat, lounged --

subject to financial, sexual, disparaging jabs

about parents, disdain from hedonistic uncle,

antipathy and manipulation by and about grandmother.

And Jake ate as Charlie belittled his knowledge,

as Alan fretted about his his eating, his weight, 

as even Berta belittled his wild-child living out

the weed-culture nurturing. We watched him grow,

cute child to chubby puberty to thinned-down teen,

but the issues remain, make you wonder, which route

will he walk to recovery? What addiction will dominate?

To food, sex, porn, gambling? Where will Jake finally find

his own, his home?

Simple and Personal

In spite of the great increase in the size and the span of this Fellowship, at its core it remains simple and personal. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Foreword to the Third Edition

How can anything be more personal
than one-on-one counseling?
Simple. In a crowded room
or with a single person
when life-or-death grasping
yields recovery, that's honest,
that's real, that's personal!

Principle of Good Enough

The principle of good enough (sometimes abbreviated to POGE) is a rule for software and systems design. It favours quick-and-simple (but potentially extensible) designs over elaborate systems designed by committees. Once the quick-and-simple design is deployed, it can then evolve as needed, driven by user requirements. ~ Wikipedia

Adequate for the task,
tolerable, satisfactory —
acceptable. Ninety-five
of a hundred, better than average.
Who could fault good enough?
Only those who choose not to settle,
who accept only top-notch,
who demand consummate magnificence.
Just folks who know
the greatest deterrent to the best
is good enough.

Erstwhile Erratic Alcoholics

Our Society then entered a fearsome and exciting adolescent period. The test that it faced was this: Could these large numbers of erstwhile erratic alcoholics successfully meet and work together? ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​Second Edition

Erratic capsulizes my life.
This way, that way, around again.
Public dieting, private drive-through queen.
Professional, competent, respected
to browbeaten, insecure, guilt-ridden.
Confident talking to crowds,
nonplussed in smalltalk.
I was powerless, hopeless, incompetent
until a higher power restored (or brought) sanity.
I'm just hoping the old negatives
are erstwhile.

Wholesale Miracle

Wholesale miracle, they called AA in 1955.
Wholesale, an odd modifier of miracle.
"Done on a large scale; extensive" as an adjective.
As a noun, "the selling of goods in large quantities
to be retailed by others." By use, a lower cost.
Well, that's true, for me with weight.
I've given hundreds of dollars to WW,
a few thousand to Metabolic,
and bunches of thousands to counselors.
But Twelve-Step programs are free, wholesale.
A wholesale miracle —
"surprising and welcome event
not explicable by natural or scientific laws,
the work of a divine agency."
Highly improbable or extraordinary,
bringing welcome consequences.
Yes, recovery is inexpensive, widespread,
an improbable event, worth fortunes
but all I need pay is surrender.

Anywhere

If he is conscientiously following the program of recovery he can go anywhere your business may call him. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​page 147

Anywhere. I've learned to be in recovery
wheresoever I may be. Emotions roil,
tempers flare, words fly, but I don't have to fall,
need not lose serenity, may continue in love.
I'm not in charge, need not change others,
cannot cause others to see things my way.
I take orders, do the next right thing,
and stand ready to be used as a tool —
for a power far greater than I – to mend turmoil,
to bring peace to people who need some,
who may see in me a state of mind
they'd love to find somewhere.

Quick and Easy

Stopped they must be; on this all depends. Only a fully trained Jedi Knight, with the Force as his ally, will conquer Vader and his Emperor. If you end your training now - if you choose the quick and easy path as Vader did - you will become an agent of evil. ~ Yoda

The steps are too tough,
old-fashioned, meant for old drunks.
Why bother? They were just beginning,
didn't have the power of meetings,
tbe advantage of seventy-plus years
of psychological development.
But look at those numbers...
Seventy-five percent sobered?
Is that just hype? Probably not...
liars would set the number even higher!
Maybe the steps really are the way to do this.
I certainly don't want it hanging around my neck
that people didn't make it!
I don't want to lose it after years
of the quick and easy way,
just going to meetings.

Even

You sound different. Even. ~ Maureen Gibbons

On a level plane, balanced.
I've never been called "even" before.
But it's descriptive. I'm on an even keel
at a turning point in my life. And at peace.
I enter a new phase from a position of strength —
thank God, not mine. I know I'm powerless
over people, circumstances, and results
but I have a power supporting me who's powerful,
in charge, and capable of making shards fit together
seamlessly, as though never broken, made new.
I'm satisfied whether this scrap that is me becomes merged again
of if I remain separate, bearing broken edges,
but useful, art in powerful hands
capable of using even me
to create serenity from chaos.

A Fool of Me

Gullible, I’m not —
well, most the time.
I look at you askance
when you suggest the incredible,
when you tell tall tales.
One person, though, I must admit
can shroud me with wool
time, then time again.
I should get mad at the falsehoods
making me seem witless, mindless, brainless.
How, though, do I hold a grudge
when the prevaricator
is me?

Thank You For Your Service

We stand indebted to you who walked before us
who suffered and died, who lived and worked
for a glorious idea, an ideal worth dedication, sacrifice.
Our debt to you cannot be paid but by honor freely given.
Our only course for giving more is not to you
but to those to come. We carry on your proud example
as we pass it forward, serving others.

Don't Fence Yourself In

...my life will be as fair to me as I allow it to be. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition, Kindle Locations 1978-1979

I set the barriers, up close, right around me
for protection, security, safety...
but most of the time they hold me in,
don't let anybody, anything – even luck —
near me. So, how much protection do I need?
Am I not secure enough just being reasonable?
I can't keep what scares me most from me
with any fence – physical, emotional or spiritual —
because it rests inside me, festering, fomenting,
yeast in the oven of my fear.
But in my fears I protest disparity,
chances slipping past me, refusing to admit
I fenced them out.

Slider

Throw it at me and I'll hit it out,
I'm waiting on it, counting on it,
Ready to defend against it —
but where it's supposed to be.
An insult from a nemesis,
A close call against me, fine.
But a compliment with a hidden barb,
a slight from a friend,
an honest but painful evaluation,
and resentments flare, fear crops up
shoving serenity aside.
Beware the slider, hold on to your program
when the unexpected hurt happens.

Entirely Ready

What does entirely ready mean? It means absolute trust. When it looks like God’s careening down the wrong path with your life, it means you resist the urge to grab the wheel. It means whatever is most precious to you – your reputation, your wealth, your family, your career, your abstinence, anything! – will not stand in the way of your blind obedience to God’s will. He has no obligation to show you the whys. ~ OAStepper, Slender Steps to Sanity

About those defects of character,
the ones I've said I was entirely ready
to leave behind. I really don't want them.
I'd say I don't want them back, but they're here,
prominent again, because I'm back in the nursery
where they matured, ran rampant, seemed to be hope,
felt as safe as I could get. They salute at triggers pulled.
God, if you take them away, will you protect me?
You won't do what I can do myself. Are you sure I can?
If you remove my crutch can I walk? Can I run?
Can I dance?
God, I'm entirely ready to do what I can
and to trust you to substitute what I need
for what I already threw away as ineffective.
God, you'll have to lead in this dance.