Tomorrow's Yesterday

It’s more comfortable to sit in a corner than to sort out a meaningful path, to stay in stasis at yesterday. I meant for my life to matter, I yearn for difference tomorrow though comfort means to sit around. How boring – though safe – to sit around, sucking my thumb, a tot in a corner hiding from fear of tomorrow, fear of the forks in the path but heck, does it really matter whether I fear the unknown or yesterday? How soothing is the fiend yesterday? Resentments dance with shoulds around oughts and regrets. A trivial matter lurks there for years, leaping from a corner into my way, blocking the well-chosen path to imagined triumphs and honor tomorrow. What if I fall on my face, humbled tomorrow as I have been these countless haunting yesterdays? Does nobility, courage of the chosen path shine brightly, or does disaster peek at me around another inevitable blind corner — ubiquitous “theys” say only todays matter. I could have been a contender. I could matter in grand schemes of the history of tomorrow. Does fame – or infamy – lurk around that corner? When I look at the future as another yesterday will it seem to have changed for I was around? Will admiration trace my innovative path? Like Merlin, God lives backwards, the path clear from one end as the other, matters’ meanings un-muddled. He turns around and surveys, satisfied, countless tomorrows and the coming versions of yesterday laid out clearly, unblocked by turns and corners. God’s present, around as I ponder each path knowing what a corner may hide. It doesn’t matter I can’t see tomorrow. It’s my God’s yesterday.

About Recovery , a Sestina

She’d hit bottom and recovering must come. In the clinic detox section she fought back demons and faced the dilemma — telling the kids. Maybe fascinating stories of a handsome baron or about Turks needing services she could volunteer? No! Lies were out. But should she volunteer the truth? She’d hid it, always. Recovering from drugs was not enough. Her kids knew about her “medications” though she’d tried to section her life to protect them. Fascinating how young they’d grasped her life’s dilemma. She’d lost a husband to the dilemma, knifed him for suggesting she volunteer for treatment. So he’d left. Fascinating now how right his leaving seemed. Recovering in the cold, sanitary detox section clarified what past and future were about. The truth be told, she didn’t mind about him. But their sons were ten and twelve, a dilemma. She should be sitting in the cheering section of Mark’s softball game and ought to volunteer for Joe’s field trip. But she lay recovering, safe. And clarity was fascinating. How could she bask in clarity, fascinating or not, and not do anything about the boys? What was the use of recovering without them. She had more than one dilemma. Without them she might as well volunteer for permanent residence in detox section. But she couldn’t stay on in this section. Watching drunks and druggies wasn’t fascinating but disgusting. She’d better serve to volunteer once through, but she must do something about the boys. How could she call her sons a dilemma and say the same about her own recovering? The detox section was for her sons, about them, not some fascinating abstract dilemma. For them she’d volunteer to push on, recovering.

God Doesn't Need Interpreters

For I neither received it of man, neither was I taught it, but by the revelation of Jesus Christ. ~ Galatians 1:12 (KJV) With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. (Alcoholics Anonymous, Spiritual Experience appendix) All around me, voices knowing better, people more experienced, others who’ve walked this path before, and they may be messengers, sometimes, a mouthpiece for God, but I know if I miss the point in a group, or studying alone, hope’s there, help’s there, guides may lead me step by step toward the right direction. Sometimes God speaks through them. Other times, they’re giving advice, not really working program, not in sync with God. When I’ve listened long enough, I recognize his voice, hear his message. But I need not wait. He’s ready for me, any time. God, protect me from leaving the path you’re trying to send me along no matter who speaks for you. Remind me you don’t need interpreters.

Our Trusted Servants

When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. ~ Galatians 2:11-12 (NIV) For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. (Alcoholics Anonymous, Tradition Two)

Tough call, leaving trivial behind. Hard job to set aside old prejudice, see people as people — not as Jew or Gentile, not male, female, old, young, hale, infirm, addict, "normie," straight, gay, citizen, stranger. If behavior stands up, rings true before God, why censor it before disapproving others? Who is a leader? One who talks, influences, coerces? Or one who takes the high road, the ethical path no matter what vocal others think? God, when you show me right, walk with me, shoving me in right direction when you must but hopefully filling me with conviction replacing fears.

Grace Sufficient

Grace is available for each of us every day . . . but we’ve got to remember to ask for it with a grateful heart and not worry about whether there will be enough for tomorrow. — Sarah Ban Breathnach (Cohen, Alan. A Daily Dose of Sanity (Kindle Locations 5105-5108). Hay House. Kindle Edition.

Grace: the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings. • a divinely given talent or blessing: the graces of the Holy Spirit. Asking with a grateful heart without worry there'll be a shortage of God's blessings the next day, week, month, year... ever! Surely God's grace is sufficient!

Living in the Promises

She comes to several meetings every week, doesn't talk about decades in the program. says she's "recovering from compulsive eating" "and I'm a sponsor." She's given service on every possible level and still does mundane tasks without a murmur. She contacts other members, active or missing for a while, says thanks for contributions, and I missed seeing you. Through times we could have lost the community she kept coming back so there were meetings we could return to. Through personal losses and medical issues she's a picture of Recovery, living in the promises.

Struggling with the World

Nothing, I am sure, calls forth the faculties so much as the being obliged to struggle with the world. ~ Mary Wollstonecraft

Do you feel obliged to struggle with the world? Why would someone need to grapple with our planet? to wrestle all we know? Or is the need to redefine our juxtaposition with attitudes and needs we attribute to our kind?

We Are Commissioned

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. (Alcoholics Anonymous Step 12)

The chapter is, "How It Works" and as far as spreading the message Step Twelve is essentially our commission. In Christianity, the Great Commission is the instruction of the resurrected Christ to his disciples to spread his teachings to all the nations. Our Twelfth Step work may be the good commission, for the process leads toward finding not only physical Recovery but Spiritual as well, and surely there's a parallel between the commissions, and we need to bring the spiritual awakening so surely we are commissioned.

Surrender

Have no weapon Accept protection Await instruction. Accept the fact you surrendered to a Power able to do what you cannot. And know life will never ever be the same... Thank God!

Social Media Meets Tradition Eleven

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, television and other public media of communication. ~ Tradition 11 You know people you see and think of a product. Hugh Hefner with Playboy, Calvin Klein, Madonna with Smirnoff, Martha Stewart, Flo for Progressive Insurance,  the Sonic guys, Elsie the cow, Dave Thomas for Wendy’s… you could go on and fill a page. You know the face, associate the brand. And it works. But not in Recovery. There is no face for OA or sister/brother organizations. Once we identify, say we belong, we don’t show our face. We decline to state full names, work to remain anonymous. Sure, a picture is worth a thousand words. But it’s not worth our letting the best thing that’s happened be merely a way for someone to be seen, to become known as who this program is.

Whoop! Laudy!

Grandmom nabbed the only Breedlove fit to know except the ones she raised. She wed the greatest preacher, tolerated few others. Yet all err. When Pop misspoke he was corrected mid-sermon from the choir loft. She gorged on jalapeños but Coca-Cola burned her throat. Three saccharine tablets to a goblet of tea, squashed in spoon with little finger - pepper coated biscuits... In her closet stacks of sugar sacks insured against the next Great Depression.

Helping someone else at the very time we feel unbalanced mysteriously guides us back to our own center. It’s almost as though our Higher Power is reaching us through the words we share with someone who is struggling. The result is clarity for both of us. ~ Casey, Karen. A Life of My Own: Meditations on Hope and Acceptance (Hazelden Meditations Book 1) . Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition

As I teach you what I've heard, what I understood at some time in Recovery, I'm hearing me say what I need to hear. And God leads me to say these things I know/knew and believe/believed, so that both of us hear exactly what we need! Thanks, God!

Credited

So also Abraham “believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.” Galatians 3:6(NIV) We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 1207-1208). Credit, debit, it's a spectrum, a swinging door, a teeter-totter. It's more fun to be the have than the have not, to be able to give than to need to take. But what if the chips are not symbols of money but are blessings life righteousness, like love, like understanding? It's more fun to be the have then as well especially for we lose none of the blessings we share. God, thank you for flowing blessings. Give me the wisdom to pass them no and see them expand to us all.

We Are Our Own Rescuers

Teachers may come our way, but they will not rescue. They will teach. People who care will come, but they will not rescue. They will care. Help will come, but help is not rescuing. We are our own rescuers. ~  Beattie, Melody. The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series (p. 329). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

I'm older than most people I know. Before. I could look to parents, teachers, employers, supervisors... hoping they would rescue me. Now I more often look to my children. I know I more often need knowledge, suggestions, ideas, a listening ear. I don't need to be rescued. I may turn down advice. If it's not the course I want  to take, I'll ignore it most likely. I am my own rescuer, but God will lead me when I allow it. He's there  when I finally give up accepting the right answers I ignored! 

Looking for God

They say I need find a Power one greater than I, a “God of my understanding,” someone to whom I’m to surrender, a personal god. I’ve heard others call their power Howard, from “Howard be thy name,” or Gus for “guy upstairs.” Some use the group or a massive tree, or simply a chair that can hold them up. But why do they seek their power in such places? Isn’t it obvious? I only looked within and found a power there all along. After all, where else would a personal god be...

Recovery In the Bedroom

Ten years and more I seldom missed a Wednesday meeting across town at eight in the morning. Fast friends and confidants year after year. Then the global pandemic changed the world including moving from a church on Wednesday morning to my bedroom. New friends have joined from different states, other countries. The group conscience has chosen to Zoom the others to my bedroom in a post-pandemic world. Friends on the screen are grand but hugs there lack the warmth!

Never Normal Eaters

Recovery in OA is based on the recognition that we are not—and never can be—normal eaters. ~ Anonymous, Overeaters. For Today (Kindle Locations 3101-3102). Overeaters Anonymous, Inc.. Kindle Edition. All my life... at least the last sixty years... I've imagined living in a right-sized body. But having reached a BMI below obesity I understand I'm never more than a binge or two away from again facing the trauma of total relapse! Recovery in OA is based on the recognition that we are not— and never can be— normal eaters.

Hallelujah for the Disease

Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters. ~Hebrews 2:11 (NIV) We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyous­ness and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to Captain’s table. Unlike the feelings of the ship’s passengers, however, our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways. The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us.~Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 17

Powerful cement, brothers bound, family forged, made holy — outside in, inside out — holiness from horrible, friends and family from fiends and foes. Peril perishes, a coterie congeals. Unashamed of ghastly pasts we revel in wretchedness remembered, made powerful cement. Hallelujah for the disease, the dis-ease, that propelled me to your loving arms and my fellows hurled here, too.

Helping Someone Helps Us. It's part of the Plan!

Helping someone else at the very time we feel unbalanced mysteriously guides us back to our own center. It’s almost as though our Higher Power is reaching us through the words we share with someone who is struggling. The result is clarity for both of us. ~ Casey, Karen. A Life of My Own: Meditations on Hope and Acceptance (Hazelden Meditations Book 1) . Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

As I teach you what I've heard, what I understood at some time in Recovery, I'm hearing me say what I need to hear. And God leads me to say these things I know/knew and believe/believed, so that both of us hear exactly what we need! Thanks, God!

Bringing Light to the World

Buddha trod the path of self-indulgence when he lived as Gautama, a prince in a luxurious castle. Then he renounced his royal riches and became an ascetic, spending years fasting and mortifying his flesh. Finally a woman took pity on Gautama and gave him a bowl of rice. The moment he accepted, he became the enlightened Buddha. He discovered what he called “the middle path.” He ceased to focus on the body and became absorbed in the spirit. Waging war on your body only glorifies it. “Do not fight yourself” (T-30.I.1:7). Beating yourself up physically or emotionally saps love from the world. Treating yourself gently, gracefully, and respectfully brings more light to humanity. ~ Cohen, Alan. A Course in Miracles Made Easy (p. 75). Hay House. Kindle Edition.

Buddha ceased to focus on the body and became absorbed in the spirit. Waging war on your body only glorifies it. “Do not fight yourself”  Don't sap love from the world by guilt, but bring light to the world... and yourself in it by treating yourself gently, gracefully, and respectfully bringing more light to humanity.