Stuck in the Mud

When life pulls you down,
obscures your path,
bogs your footfalls,
adds ruts to potholes,
captures you in its tendrils...
it's easy to declare yourself
powerless over your nemesis,
that managing your life
is a pipe dream, that
any power that might once have been
has become flimsy, meager,
dubious...Yet dire as it seems, it's mere illusion,
a sense of desperation adequate
to cause surrender, to turn to some greater
Power to steer you out, to rescue.
For that Power exists, ready, at hand.
You need only grasp it, ask for it.
mimic it as you see it in others
for soon, very soon, it to become vibrant in you,
to free you from the muck, to begin your better,
freer, suddenly meaningful
next great adventure.

“Roots,” by Frida Kahlo

 

 

 

 

So You Say

 

You always hurt the one your love they say
but will you love me tomorrow, Love? Can you
pledge your troth and hold the course today,
tomorrow, day by day, and follow through?

 

You cannot buy my love, you know. Amend
means change, not doing what you've always done.
To purchase things, to spend the dough, won't send
the message, heal the hurt, make done undone.

 

To live amends, to stay the course can prove
you've changed, can show sincerity is real
and build the trust that hate and fear removed.
But ancient hurts take time to fully heal.This ninth step stuff is well and good, as long
as honesty prevails and love grows strong.

 

 

 

Family of Choice

"I am the black sheep of the family. I came to Alcholics Anonymous and found the rest of the herd." ~ Source

Terminally different or unique.
Those who don't fit in.
Unlike, deviating, night and day,
poles apart, unique, singular,
particular, rare, uncommon.
I'm guessing most people
occasionally feel like square
pegs in round holes but not
terminally different or unique.
But we do...or at least I do.
And I've found my home, my people,
those with whom I fit. And we're a tribe,
a family, my people. I've come home!

 

Apart

Sit in the sunshine
thirty minutes a day.
Doing what? Computer work?
Games? Catching up?
Writing tomorrow's poem?
Sit in the sunshine
thirty minutes a day.
I can do all that
but watching the birds
drinking from the dog dish,
considering the clouds
floating, morphing,
being. Listening
so I might hear
what I've asked,
that a power, a god,
might show me
who I am, what I need,
what is the next right thing.

Because

This may be a fine program
but it's not going to work for me,
I know since I've tried everything,
most of them multiple times...
like Weight Watchers, Adkins diet,
those candies, do you remember,
Aids before that meant something else,
counting calories, carbs, protein,
grapefruits, and lots and lots of them,
exercise, yoga, walking five miles a day,
and hypnosis, ear staples, therapy,
public dares, incentives, charts...
even giving myself shots in the stomach
daily, not approved for weight loss,
just for diabetes which I don't have,
but they might have worked,
and didn't any more than the carb blockers,
the appetite suppressants, even amphetamines,
you name it I tried it, and it didn't work,

so this one won't either, even though you swear
it worked for you, even if you tell my story
like you sneaked a peek in my mind,
even if you seem different from any other group,
but it won't work for me, and I tell you this
to say I'll take your dare and try it just to prove to you
it won't work for me.

Time Out

Enough. I've worked, struggled,
tried to perfect, come close,
lacking some. But that's it.
Anything more is smearing the paint,
too much salt, spoiling the brew.
I'll stop now. It would be good 
to meditate, to exercise, to pamper me.
But that's too strenuous, too much work.
I'll vege out, play mindless games,
stare at the sky, frolic with the dog.
Time out. It heals the soul, the body, the mind.

None of My Business

 

You tell me I've lied,
You throw words at me
attempting to smother me,
to hit your mark, to bother me
and start an argument.
Or so you say.
I am not judging your words
or the intentions behind them,
merely recounting.
It appears you long for my ire,
you revel in ideas of my dissolving
into accusations, of causing a fight.
And I can see your frustration
when I listen, accept, consider.
If you understood the truth
that what you think of me
is none of my business,
perhaps it would be easier
to see that what you say
colors you and when I accept no hues
it leaves me untouched.

 

Pushing Right Back

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger — something better, pushing right back.” – Albert Camus

Winter comes sometimes in smoldering, oppressively hot days.
Forty days ago my world crumpled around me. People would ask,
"Is this your first stroke" and my instinct was to scream
(which would have sounded like inaudible diatribe,) "Yeah but my last one, too.
Forget doing this again!!" But I have found strength within,
I can and will refuse to be the victim here.
There is, in me, a strength never tested,
something making me  stronger, giving me a platform
to prove strength within, to push right back!

Three Kinds of Better

We come for the weight loss,
for recovery of the body.
That's all we've sought
our whole lives through,
convinced once the body's right
everything else falls in place.
We find when we come
they speak of other recovery...
of the mind. That we've believed
we were hopeless, helpless,
unworthy of love, of good, of peace.
But we hear stories of others
who found a way out,

whose minds were healed,
who quit thinking those thoughts,
began to accept that we might
possibly, perhaps, be worthy
of respect, of love, of something real.
And finally we find our spirit healing,
our peace becoming something
we not only have but can share,
our souls calm, filled with joy.
And, by the time we actually find
the body recovered as we came for,
our spirits and minds have been there first,
welcoming the rest of us home.

You Know Them

A Scot can look at a stranger's clothing
and know the surname of the wearer
and perhaps which branch of the clan,
a more exact analysis of the ancestry
of the wearer.

 

My son gave his father a sweatshirt
Can you see the difference in the burnt orange

identifying the University of Texas
and that of the University of Tennessee,
exactly described in computerese as #FAA13B
Is #FAA13B so unique from #F77F00?

 

Have you met a stranger, spent some time,
and recognized recovery? The catch phrases,
the attitude, the countenance, the joy...
we can't be anonymous among us
when the recovery is written on our souls!

A Thousand Steps

Distance looms, impossible chasms,
between where we are
and where we want to be.
Between who we are
and who we want to be.

It's too far, I'll never reach it.
I might as well stay, save, sound,

albeit miserable, longing to go there.

But I can't. It's too far.
But I can take one step.
Then another. And finally,
one step at a time,
I reach the impossible place.

A Channel of Peace

“Lord, make me a channel of thy peace — that where

there is hatred, I may bring love,,,.”~ St. Fransis, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
Alcoholic  Anonymous, page 99

How can i channel God's peace?
Channel as a verb: to form, cut, or wear a channel in
to make a groove in , to convey or direct into or through a channel

but "a" channel says noun, not verb.
A noun would bethe deeper part of a river, harbor, or strait
but then again there's a middle ground. a way, course, or direction of thought or action
or  a band of frequencies of sufficient width for a single radio or television communication.
And there's a related word, channeler: a person who conveys thoughts or energy
from a source believed to be outside the person's body or conscious mind;
specifically :  one who speaks for nonphysical beings or spirits.
can I be that kind of channel? A phrophet means a person who speaks for God.
Like  when Isaiah was called. Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying,
"Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace — that where

there is hatred, I may bring love.

We Think Not

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. ~ The Big Book and A Study Guide of the 12 Steps (Kindle Locations 1509-1510). AlExtravagant: lacking restraint in spending money or using resources.

"it was rather extravagant to buy both" spendthrift, profligate,
improvident, wasteful, prodigal, lavish...valuable, precious

 exceeding what is reasonable or appropriate; absurd.

"extravagant claims for its effectiveness"
So, why don't we think these promises extravagant?
Aren't they these things precious? Yes, they're precious.
But they're  also becoming commonplace in our daily lives,
a treasure we live with.    They are being fulfilled among us—
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize
if we work for them!

Situations Which Used to Baffle Us

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. ~ The Big Book and A Study Guide of the 12 Steps

Renovation...of people!
like changing carpet, furniture,
light fixtures, paint, drapery,
Wipe out dominant characteristics,
the nature of the thing.
Under new management,
with new identities,
promises come true!

Our Fellows

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. ~ The Big Book and A Study Guide of the 12 Steps (Kindle Locations 1505-1506).

MacKay, et al in When Anger Hurtsmake the point that in a disagreement
each person is not trying to flaunt the needs
of the other but rather yo get his or her needs met.
The solution is a give and take, so multiple
needs are addressed. That's what happens, working the Steps.
We realize our own needs fired our resentments
and find ways to accept our fellows as equals.
It is then self-pity becomes unnecessary
and we begin to perceive the whole picture and
see needs in others, What a promise when
we accept it and perceive the joy it creates!

It's the AA Big Book!

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. ~ The Big Book and A Study Guide of the 12 Steps (Kindle Locations 1504-1505).

I grin when O.A. people read the promises,
Could "The Scales" be anything but the old nemesis?
Of course. Alcoholics understand it as that obscure definition
the dictionary eventually reaches:   "a graduated series or scheme
of rank or order."With that meaning down the scale is not 
a result to be craved, the ultimate goal.
But then "no matter how far down the scale we go
doesn't matter. Whether we feel good about our position or not,
it is true our stories are perhaps our dearest treasure, for
they are our way of sharing the good parts, of showing from any starting line
we can reap the promises. We're no longer useless
but can / have found true happiness.
through working the first nine Steps!

If... Then

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. ~ The Big Book and A Study Guide of the 12 Steps (Kindle Locations 1502-1503).

Steps One through Nine are done.
We've admitted we were powerless,
had unmaneageable lives, came to believe a
Higher Power might restore us to sanity,
made a decision to turn our will and lives
over to thatPower, made a fearless and searching
morol inventory of ourselves, admitted to ourselves,
God and another human the exact nature of our wrongs,
became completely ready for God to remove our character defects,
humbly asked Him to remove them, listed people to whon
we owed amends, made them when we could,
and these are the action steps , leaving the three we
continue for life. and we mind this ptomise...the list of promises
on pages 83-84. Before we're halfway there? Four abd a half steps done?
ptobably nobody knows a definitive answer.
But people who have tried on these nine find some...most?
of the promosesare coming true.  Certainly we're amazed.
Life utself finally makes sense And that yields new freedom, amazing freedom
and a new happiness ;ike we couldn't imagine before!.

How Welcome, Really?

A room in the basement,
easy access except the elevator
hasn't worked for years.
Stairs down to the meeting,
up to go forth. How pleasant
for people whose obesity,
diabetes and other complications
make it unaccessible.
Colorful non-rectangular frames
filled with artwork by students
now long-since parents.
Each week get chairs out,
meet and put them back.
But don't sit in that corner.
The airflow drowns out sounds.
Posters occasionally,
not mimes...those hadn't been named.
But like that. Like relics
of performances, long since left
in teenage sanctums. Like ads
in magazines extorting benefits
of congregational life.
A room so familiar,
the value of the gathering so great,
it really didn't seem overpriced
at five bucks a month.

 

 

The Senior Partner

That enduring “something” confirms your greatness, your absolute connection to the infinite. There’s a sense of being permanently aligned with a sort of senior partner that is greatness itself. ~ Wayne Dyer. Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao (p. 118).

Perhaps it's necessary for us to "come to understand"
the Power greater than ourselves, but that need could not be less
mutual. The Power knew us intimately before our birth.
With an innate understanding of the interconnectedness
and our individual role in time and matter, the senior partner
guides our path, crafts our talents, our nature, the strengths and weaknesses
we bring to the mix, reaching out when the moment arises,
and waiting for our words, your will be done.

Welcome Home

What was the big deal,
going to a meeting?
She knew what they did there
though not from having tried it.
Heck, she'd even read
the "Standard Meeting Format"
and knew how robotic,
how rote memory,
how repetitious it was.
But Sally wouldn't relent,
so she humored her. Maybe with dread —
well, certainly with dread.
Maybe with skepticism —
yeah, whole chunks of that.
Maybe with curiosity, a bit of interest —
to be honest more of those —
almost. With the dread.
But she'd go.
So she did. Nice people.
They seemed interested,
didn't stare at her bulk,
at arms as big as her waist should be.
They read all that stuff,
like she'd read on the website,
but it didn't feel canned.
They read like they meant it.
And then they got to the end
of that long, long reading,
and the reader said,
"Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous."
And the whole group answered,

"Welcome home!"
And she knew. She just knew.
She'd found home.

Last House in the Block

Been there, done that.
Tried every diet that came along,
every exercise regimen...
at least for a day, sometimes less.
Resolves, weigh-and-pay organizations,
faith-based plans, ear pins to twist,
hypnotism, special occasions
as incentives, dream trips
as promised rewards...but
nothing
worked.
Then I found OA and have no need ever
to try anything else.

Restored to Sanity

Sometimes it seems wrong,
speaking of restored to sanity.
Were we ever there to begin with?
Probably, but so long ago,
it seems to predate memory.
But whatever, it does come true.

We come in hopeless, helpless,
unable to manage life,
much less the addiction.
But it happens. We admit the truth.
We hear enough tales it seems —

perhaps – it might be possible.
Then we make a decision,
sometimes – most times? —
filled with doubt but we decide
to turn our will and our lives
over to the care of God
as we do – or don't – understand him.
And as we follow directions,
work the steps, dare to believe,
we find sanity restored
whether we remember having it
or not.