I Promise

To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing. ~ Mark Twain

Resolution: a firm decision to do
or not to do something. A promise
to yourself. Most people each year
resolve — promise —to loose weight,
to exercise, to quit smoking.
Eight in a hundred succeed.
We of OA tried and tried and tried.
Always, the promises—and the diets —
were fuel for the compulsion.
I know now that no promise,
no temporary submission to restricted eating
would relieve me of my food obsession.
In OA I was given a suggested program of recovery
and all that was asked of me in return
was that I have a desire to stop.
That, I can do! I promise!

This poem utilizes ideas and phrases from For Today (Kindle Locations 3504-3512). Overeaters Anonymous, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Thank You For Believing in Me

Thank you for not judging g promise in me,
for not taking your cues from me,
seeing the miserable, lonely wretch I knew.
Thank you for seeing me in terms of weight,
dress size, for the dangling flap below my arms,
the thighs that rubbed together causing friction burns.
Thanks for liking my giggle when it bubbled out
betraying efforts to be dignified, respectable.
for saying i had a nice smile, a pretty face —
that bus station attendant couldn't have known
sixty years later what that still means.
Thank you for affirming me all that time
when I could not. Thank you for keeping my mind
fertile enough to understand I did have merit.
Thank you for believing in me until I came home
to OA and could accept that journey was complete.

Lust

Lust or lechery, intense longing, often sexual
but not stopping, sliding to rape, adultery,
incest, pedophilia, the seedier side of life.
Lust adversely affects important matters, interrupts  business.
Disordered love for people.Sometimes seemingly harmless,
sometimes wanting power or prestige almost erotically.
Lust is putting trivial desires higher than God.

Gluttony

Gluttony, overindulgence and overconsumption amounting to waste.
a Latin word for gulp down or swallow.
A sin depriving needy others of essential food.
When food is scarce, indirectly killing others.
Even obsessive anticipation of meals, constant eating.
A malady drawing crowds to Overeaters Anonymous
where fellows abound. Welcome. You're home here!

The Road Atlas

The trouble was that there was no road between me, the miserable failure, and me, the thin saint. So I retreated to eating and daydreaming. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 60-61). 

How do you get there? There's enough male in me
I'm not likely to stop and ask directions. And if I do,
I can't remember them or if I jot them down,
read what I wrote.
Even with a GPS I can get miserably lost.
I know the feeling well, There's  no way there from here.And I spent decades looking for the psychological path
to the me who had to be possible despite no evidence.
And finally I found the atlas, a book called Alcoholics Anonymous
as well as the road map I personally needed, The Twelve Steps
and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous. 

We Have Cures for That

If a rulerʼs anger rises against you,
do not leave your post;
calmness can lay great errors to rest.

There is an evil I have seen under the sun,
the sort of error that arises from a ruler:

Fools are put in many high positions,
while the rich occupy the low ones.

I have seen slaves on horseback,
while princes go on foot like slaves. Ecclesiastes 10:4-7

Fools equal the poor?
Rich means wise?
Rulers are fools?
Sometimes.
Certainly not always.
We generalize by the person on our mind,
assuming the example typifies the class.
We have names for that.
Blindness.
Intolerance.
Bigotry.
We have cures for that.
Tolerance.
Perception.
Love.

God, remove my prejudices.
Free me to see people as your children,
my siblings,
even when I’d prefer to be an only child.

Rollins, Barbara B.. A Time for Verse -
Poetic Ponderings on Ecclesiastes
(Kindle Locations 760-765).

Teachable

Today I am teachable, with freedom to grow, to change, to resolve problems and feel good. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 3440-3441).

Teachable sounds like trapped in a classroom,
subject to lectures, to drills, to frequently boring instruction.
Does the condition really imply freedom,
the probability of being enabled to grow,
to resolve vexing problems, to eventually feel good?
What would I give for a quality of thought,
a willingness, excitement to acquire a cure for my issues?
If the price is full commitment to working all twelve steps,
It's quite minimal payment for a huge upgrade in being!

Peace on Earth

The angelic message spoke not of the political,
social or geographic situation of the hearers,
The emperor in some place called Rome
had commanded people to travel days or weeks
despite illness, poverty, or other reasons,
so that stranger who had conquered them
of each of them. A crazy king held sway
over their homeland who thought nothing
of ordering all young boys in an area be slaughtered.
The message was for the shepherds and those they told,
for those who would hear the newborn in a cattle trough
when he began to spread the good news.
The message is for us no matter the news
if we choose to listen and accept the gift today.

Only You Choose for You

The choices that others make cannot negatively impact your experience unless you include them in your experience through your attention to them. Things come to you only through your Vibrational invitation—and they remain only by your continuing attention to them. ~ Abraham

It's your plate, your food.
That other stuff, remember,
"That's not my food."
Peace I ask of thee, o river,
When men to live serenely
cares will cease.It is a day of Peace on Earth
but it's up to us to claim our peace
and by doing that you may aide
those around you to claim their own.

Greed

Greed, a human-caused desire for possessions.
A sin because man condemns the eternal 
for the sake of mere temporary things.
Greed begets violence, theft. manipulation, Hoarders show. 
A state of restlessness of the heart, and 
consists mainly of craving power and possessions.
Making a higher power of lesser things. 

Sloth

Laziness we would have called it. Absence
of interest of habitual disinclination to exertion.
Not only physical but mental, spiritual — pathological.
Absence of affect producing boredom, rancor, apathy.
Forgetting the good stuff, forgetting our responsibility.
Look at a bloom, at an infant, untouched.
Powerless over food, living an unmanageable life.

Wrath

The Wrath of God? Hardly. A human emotion.
A deadly sin — anger, rage, hatred —uncontrolled.
Seeking vengeance. Endemic, to the seventh generation. 
Anger promoted to sin when fixed on innocence.
Desiring someone else suffer misfortune or harm.
Dante's  "Love of justice perverted to revenge 
and spite." Wrath enslaves people to themselves.

Envy

Some might believe envy just longing for.
But it's really almost frantic internal emptiness,
a heart-sucking pump, selective blindness, nonsight.
The envious don't see what they have,
God-given and humanly nurtured, in themselves.
They claim superiority, minimizing others with contempt.
Not seeing our fortune, we begrudge others'.

The Next Time You See Me

My home office will be a mess…
all the more so than It is today.
which is substantially.
I’ll have started on the task list
I made, added to, shaped up yesterday.
I’ll have done ten things
that needed to be done before now.
I’ll have not eaten sugar for more than
a dozen weeks, plus.
I’ll claim ownership to nothing
at the courthouse, even
the roll of gift-wrap paper
I left five years ago and it seems yet untouched.
I’ll hold dear new friends made
the past fifteen months, new memories
of decades-long friends,
gratitude galore for kindnesses done,
but also for time to rebuild myself
to relearn typing, to write and create,
to build the me I want to be.
I’ll remain as passionate about
twelve-step programs as I’ve been for a decade.
The next time you see me,
I’ll be retired again.

Ten Years Yet Just Begun

December 17, 2006
I considered myself from then
a member of Overeaters Anonymous.
On my way to church, having eaten breakfast,
I stopped for a cappacino and sweet roll,
got into the car, told God, "This is stupid."
If planned to try OA...after that holidays.
Who would start a week before Christmas?
Me. And thank goodness. When I fell
on Christmas Eve, hurt my rotator cuff
then went to England anyway on the 27th
I could have stacked on more stupid pounds
more misery, more self-loathing.
But thank God for the nudge.
So today it's ten years with many more to come.

OAStepper

Pride

The worst of the seven, corrupt selfishness,
pride not only precedes but causes falls.
Dangerous and corrupt selfishness, pride puts me,
my desires and whims above the welfare
of anyone else. Pride in my faith deceives,
disguised as humility,  so confidence in me
perverts self-love. Pride makes me the anti-god.

Prescription for Relevance

Coming to Recovery,
deciding this is for you,
is not joining a club,
but a voluntary
restyling of your life
as you consent to safeguards
that first feel like limitations
but as you continue like privileges
so that you come to rely
on the constraints
for your health and sanity
and a program that keeps
the context of your life relevant.

Eating for Wrong Reasons

Woe to you, O land whose king was a servant
and whose princes feast in the morning.
Blessed are you, O land whose king is of noble birth
and whose princes eat at a proper time —
for strength and not for drunkenness. Ecclesiastes 19:6-17

“Eat at a proper time. For strength.”
I’ve often eaten for weakness —
stuffing my face —
to bury pain, anger, humiliation.
I’ve eaten for strength, under God’s strength,
ignoring the compulsion to eat
but nourishing my body.
Like an alcoholic, I yield to my compulsion
unless God sets it aside
by mending the feelings,
by giving me joy beyond what compulsion
could ever yield.

God, move us beyond patches to real cures,
to comfort that really comforts.
Thank you for this gift.

The Grocery Store

When the day begins with surrender,
"Your will, not mine be done,"
even when cravings hover

near the surface, sanity prevails.
Even when it's necessary to shop for food.
You walk in the door and the featured display
offers not the dreaded pastries but pot plants.
The vendor offering samples has ginger snaps
and since you hate the taste of ginger,
you truthfully answer, "I wouldn't care for one."
You see the newcomer from yesterday's meeting.
visit with her, answering questions,
encouraging her, visiting, and when you part
you realize you've walked through the ice cream
without giving the cartons a single thought.
You complete your shopping list, temptations
at bay and check out knowing your will
stayed in its place, comfortable with
serenity in the market.

 

Delegate to the Manager

Delegate it to the manager. You have this really good staff that will take care of everything for you. You just have to delegate it — and trust it. ~ Abraham

Would you consider your Higher Power
to be your manager? How do you feel
About delegating to your manager?
Is that what you do? To delegate: entrust
(a task or responsibility) to another,
typically one who is less senior than oneself.
Would you turn your life and your will
over to someone less senior than you?
What about your hopes and dreams?
Is it right to have hopes and dreams
if you pray, "Your will, not mine, be done"?
Aren't we promised some hopes and dreams?
"If we are painstaking
about this phase of our development,
we will be amazed before we are half way through."
Hopes and dreams are fine, are within the plan
so long as they do not become
more important than the consciousness
of the presence of God in your life.
When you delegate to the manager
he remains the manager and while it may well suit His plan
to grant your hopes and dreams, and to accept your delegating,
He remains the manager and His will takes precedence.

Gift Source

It was only when I became aware of all the gifts I had received that I asked who the giver was. What a shocking realization... ~ Anonymous, Overeaters. Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 926-927). Overeaters Anonymous. Kindle Edition.

Every good and perfect gift...
What has 2016 brought?
Did the blessings just come?
Have you given thanks for them?
To other people? To your Higher Power?
Will you?

Accept Yourself

Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better. ~ Flannery O'Connor

You find the rooms of Recovery,
begin to work the Steps,
find yourself improving,
hear others telling you
you've changed.
Physical Recovery begins,
just happening,
no real effort.
You've found the path.
you're here forever.
Then you stumble,
try to hold on,
berate yourself,
claim guilt.
But why?
You've come so far.
You've changed so much.
Relax. Have faith.
Accepting oneself
does not preclude
an attempt to become better,
to continue to grow.

 

Weeding the Garden

Step6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Weeding ideas from http://www.finegardening.com/six-tips-effective-weed-control

Weeds are nature’s healing remedy for sites that are in a wounded,
plantless state, but weeds and gardeners
have different ideas of what makes for a good recovery.
Character defects are nature’s healing remedy for people
who are in a wounded, growthless state, but shortcomings
and we have different ideas of what makes for a good Recovery.
Every square inch of a garden contains weed seeds;
those in the top inch or two get enough light to trigger germination.
There's a reason the Seventh Step prayer gives H.P. the option to choose.
Don't rush to rid your life of shortcomings —
every single defect of character which stands in the way
of my usefulness to You and my fellows.
Use mulch to keep light from awakening weed seeds
Prayer and meditation protect us from exposing defects,
letting them germinate. Get today's weeds today.
Tomorrow they'll be tougher and twice as numerous.
Weed your garden one day at a time.
Chop off weed heads, use a sharp tool to get roots.
Use your recovery tools, meetings, sponsor, literature,
writing, a plan of eating, an action plan, anonymity
and service. Keep the soil warm and dark with mulch.
Work a hardy program, living in the spirit
to warm your heart.

To Fight For

This was the king to fight for. ~ Monica McCarty, The Ghost

The king is the leader, not the sole combatant — usually —
but as the armies gathered at the agreed battlefield
of Bannockburn, the decisive battle
of the First War of Scottish Independence,
a young English knight in full armor saw Robert the Bruce,
Scotland's king, riding a pony armed only with a battleaxe.
Thinking he could win the war by running the Bruce through
he reined his war horse and thundered toward the "Pretender"
sure that Sir Henry DeBorne had won the war before the battle
began. The Bruce acted as no king would, held his ground
rather  than trusting his men, turned the pony at the last moment
and drove his axe through helmet and head.
The next day as the English felt confident they would prevail,
they saw a "new" army approach, the servants and camp followers
who had grown tired of idly watching the battle.
So with sticks for weapons,
and with sheets tied upon tent poles for banners,
they marched down the hill to join the fight.
We have a program to fight for, a winner we've seen work.
We have a program that pulls us in, making us more than ready
to give service to pay back a plan to fight for.
 

Robert the Bruce killing Henry De Bohun

Worried to Death

This death thing is so misunderstood that you use it to torture yourself never-endingly and just absolutely unnecessarily. There are those who feel such fulfillment of life and such Connection to Source Energy, who understand that there is no separation between what is physical and Non-Physical; who understand that there is not even a lapse in consciousness, that "death" is a matter of closing one's eyes in this dimension and literally opening one's eyes in the other dimension. ~ Abraham

Relax. Take it easy. Take it one day at a time.
Fear Not. Do not let your heart be troubled.
Feeding fear creates fat, misery, more fear.
Treating fear with surrender to your Higher Power,
with dealing with today's issues, setting aside
yesterday's and tomorrow's, doing the next right thing,
brings a sense of well-being, of accomplishment,                      
of serenity and recovery, of freedom from fear.
Relax. Take it easy. Take it one day at a time.
Fear Not. Do not let your heart be troubled.

A Snare for Us

I will not drive them out from before you; but they shall be as thorns in your sides, and their gods shall be a snare unto you. ~ Judges 2:3 KJV (story told by Quanah Parker)

Gods we put before our Higher Power
are a trap, a snare, set for us, hidden
in dark corners but on a path we're likely
to choose. That trap is set for us, just for me
or you, the lure one we'll fall for, familiar,
a comfortable fallback, our god du jour.Sugar, chips, fried stuff with a crispy crust,
power, sell-will, a substance or habit
we've chose before. It is doubting the power
of the Power we came to believe
could restore us to sanity,
the Power to whom we surrendered
our will and our lives but jerked them back
when we stood in the dark
unable to see the waiting snare.  

Sincerely

None of us can follow this way of life perfectly, but we find that our success in recovery and our freedom from food obsession are in direct proportion to how sincerely we try to live in this manner. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 308-309). 

Freedom from obsession is in direct proportion
to how sincerely we try to live in this manner.
This is not speaking of sincerely as "a formula
used to end a letter, typically a formal one
in which the recipient is addressed by name."
We don't state our list of rationalizations
then tack on, "I'm sincere about this. Amen!
Now fix it." No, this is, "God, I know the way
to do this, you've shown me how it works.
And if I'm not speaking genuinely, honestly, really,
truthfully, wholeheartedly, earnestly, fervently,
then please grab hold of me and make your will mine.
I've tried it my way and screwed it up for years.
Teach me to shut up and understand you're willing
to take the helm, to sail this ship home, and
keep my hands off things unless I'm in your will, not mine.

Capable of Reasoning

If steppers were capable of reasoning, there wouldn’t be any steppers.
"It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere.”--Voltaire ~ Reverend B

What chains do we revere?
This is like the question raised
in the Big Book, "When 
many hundreds of people 
are able to say that 
the consciousness of 
the Presence of God is 
today the most important fact
of their lives, they present 
a powerful reason 
why one should have faith."
What is left in our lives
more important than
the Presence of God?
Is it food, independence,
material possessions,
our good reputation,
our intelligence, our family,
beliefs we grew up with"
What is more important
than God's presence in your life?
What are your revered chains?

Living in the Promises

She comes to several meetings
every week, doesn't talk about 
decades in the program.
says she's "recovering
from compulsive eating
And I'm a sponsor."
She's given service
on every possible level
and still does mundane tasks
without a murmur.
She contacts other members,
active or missing for a while,
says thanks for contributions,
and I missed seeing you.
Through times we could
have lost the community
she kept coming back
so there were meetings
we could return to.
Through personal losses
and medical issues
she's a picture of Recovery,
living in the promises. 

As You Love Yourself

What do you feel about you?
contempt, disgust,
abominate,
down on, grossed out?
Despise, detest, loathe, scorn,
Hate? Does not that describe
powerless over addiction,
having unmanageable lives?
Did any of us enter the rooms
of recovery with a single
affirmative affirmation we could
say into a mirror?
Do we make the mistake
of "loving" others as we love
ourselves?

Make Peace

Make peace with outrageous abundance. ~ Abraham

I can make a book, cook supper, design a web page.
write a poem. I can knit a sweater that doesn't fit,
play a crazy lady convincingly, paint with acrylics,
make a three-foot marionette, untangle the strings,
take a thousand photos in a week, edit audio files,
create a YouTube video, give a speech, spew facts
about Texas women judges ad nauseam, trace
my genealogy to link to kings and presidents...
but a far more worthy endeavor is something
ant one can do, to make peace!

Last Chance

She came in with  a persistent sore.
They weighed her on the freight scales
because nothing else could do the job.
Over seven hundred fifty.
Her doctor was out, she talked to another,
covering his cases. He said, “We can’t help you.
If you need tests run, they’ll have to be done

In a larger city, with better equipment.
If you need surgery, it will have to be done

In a larger city, with better equipment.
Are you on disability?” She answered, “No,
I work in the accounting department
for the city.” “Really? You’re still working?
How do you get there?” “I telecommute some,
but I drive a pickup when I need to.”
“And you really do still work?
I can give you a prescription
for the skin issue, but you’ve got decisions to make.
Are you resigned to subsist, to scrape by
until you die, which won’t be long
with what you’re doing to yourself,
or are you going to change?”
She went home, sat for five days
surviving then called a hot line
for Overeaters Anonymous.
“I need a miracle,” she told the phone.
That call was twelve years ago today,
and it’s my pleasure, remembering
being on the other end of that call
to give Victoria her twelve-year coin
and to slip it in the pocket of her
size 12 dress!

Whole Heart?

he man she married deserved to have her whole heart, and until she could pry the last fingers of James’s grasp away, it was not hers to give. ~ McCarty, Monica. The Knight 

Who owns your heart?
Your souse, your children,
your siblings, your best friend?
Where does your Higher Power fit?
Who do you most desperately need
to talk through your most pressing issues?

Do you ever get around to talking to HP?
Does that conversation ever change your mind?
Who do you trust with your will and your life?
Do you need to first pull away your own
or somebody else's fingers?   

Our Founder

Rozanne S. was called the cofounder
of Overeaters Anonymous from 1960,
although she was the only one 
for most of the years before her death 
fifty-four years later. She was certainly a leader,
guiding the organization, writing literature.
heading the fellowship. But she was truly
a compulsive overeater, ready to serve
whether she worked a good program or not.
She had the courage to surrender again,
to reclaim recovery. She showed us
how to serve and how to live through
our missteps.

I'm Back

Ten years ago I was a member,
in a different town, another state.
And I was a good member,
came to meetings at least once a week,
gave service, sponsored,
released a hundred fifty pounds
dropped from a 5X to a large,
knew Recovery backwards, forwards,
inside out. Then I moved,
got divorced, had money problems,
never started meetings when I moved here.
And I turned to food for comfort,
knowing I could get back,
that I knew the path, had the tools.
Weeks passed, then ,months,
five years. Obviously the large size
multiplied by x's. I need OA now
more than I did when I first began.
Thank you so much for taking me back.

I'd like to reestablish. I'm here to stay.

Play Likr

“Act as if,”
they call it.
It means
if you don’t think
there is a god
you can “play like”
until…and unless
something starts to feel real.

What you call this essence
doesn’t matter.
You can begin and end
by saying this is bull,
crap, folly, stupid…
You won’t offend

Your play-like god.
The Reverend Shoemaker
in 1954 said a man
"acted as if he had faith"
until faith came by accident,
or "until there was an opening
for God to come through."

Restore Us to Sanity

We admit we're powerless over addiction,
have unmanageable lives, then, Step Two
talk of a need to be restored to sanity.
But were we really insane?
So, what is sane? Not having a substance
or habitual action that you can't hold in check.
Having a life that feels right, not in need
of wresting back control. A life that feels serene,
one you would choose, appropriate
for joy, love, fulfillment, a life you relish.
God, restore us to sanity!!

 

The Real Prize

Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain? ~ Galatians 3:4 (NASB)

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---

We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 24

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---

WhenEVER will I learn?
Must I allow the same lesson
to be pounded into my head
again
and again
and AGAIN???
I know I do it to myself,
that I have a taste of recovery
then toss it away
again
and again
and again.
But at some point I learn
recovery feels better
than my addiction
that I don't want the illusive prize
and choose to hold the real one
and my experience
can bless others
doing what they would not do
again and again and again.

 

God, let it be sooner
rather than later.
Let me listen to those
who have learned the lesson.