What??

To succeed in life you need two things: ignorance and confidence. ~ Mark Twain

You need both? Ignorance and confidence?
Is that a political joke? Can you possibly succeed
possessing both characteristics? And is there an order?
Should you be ignorant so you can learn
and, learning, become confident?
Or should you be confident
and forget you are confident,
become humble, malleable, amenable?
Maybe you can be both simultaneously.
If ignorance is lack of information
then certainly all of us are there...
we cannot have all possible information,
can't know everything there is.
Does that mean we can't be confident?
But are we supposed to be both? How can that be?
If confident means feeling or showing confidence
and confidence is a feeling or believe we can rely
on something, on someone, having firm trust
then we can be ignorant and confident...
ignorant because we know we can't,
are aware we're powerless, unable to manage
and confident because we came to believe
even if we could not that a power greater than we,
a god as we might understand that term,
could...then that's what I want to have.
Ignorance and confidence.

If I Were Able

I I were able,

I would be svelte

or at least fashionable.

If I could do this

with willpower,

I'd have done it,

written the book
and told the world

how to succeed.

If I could have,

I would have,
freed from shame,
released from guilt.

But I couldn't.

I can't. But fortunately

I don't need to.

I received it all
as a gift for the taking.

Juggling Grenades

It's playing with explosives,

trying a bite or two...

no, honesty here. A sweet roll

or two, ice cream, a sugary treat

when the counting's been done,

the tabs turned in. It's flirting

with disaster, these lapses,

accepted without panic,

pride coming when it's just one item

no matter how big, an old haunt

revisited. It's set to explode,

these careless food behaviors.

I've not yet found the honesty,

the willingness, the recovery

not to play the flirt sometimes,

not to give up the sugar today

each today that comes.

Enough to Go Around

No matter how many people were on the beach, there would be enough sun for everyone. I realized that the same was true of God's love and guidance. No matter how may people seek God's help, there is always enough to go around. To someone who believed that there was never enough time, money, love, or anything else, this was amazing news! ~ COURAGE TO CHANGE, page 301

A people pleaser. No, you choose first,
I'll take what's left. I don't care,
we'll go where you want to.
I'll wait on you, bring your things
but it embarrasses me to ask, to need.
God, you don't need to worry about me,
about my little wants, about my requests,
about my fears, my tears, my hurts.
I may need your help but you're so great,
so grand. How could I ever call on you,
bother you. I am nothing, you are all.
You have no time for me.
But you do. I know it's true.
Yet to sit and talk to you,
to wait for answers from you...
I don't deserve anything so fine.
But I thank you for being there.
And I ask you to bring me before you.
to sit me down, and move me past my fear
of receiving your great gifts.

Look at Me!

We must come to the truth
as a little child, innocent, trusting,

unashamed, full of trust.

Then we can say, "Look at me!"

for we come innocent — lacking guilt.

We come trusting — expecting acceptance.

We come unashamed for we have not learned

that we are not loved, lovable, loving, good.

We come full of trust for we have known trust,

have known acceptance, have been proud

of our development, the tiny steps and giant leaps.

We come to the truth as a little child

finding again the joy of being me and living in joy.

Leadership

Running the house,
being something close
to a proper household,
cleaning sometimes,
keeping others
from thinking badly of me.
I know how to do things right
even when I resent them
and eat over them
because I hate appearing
to do things right when I know
I'm lying, kidding, pretending.

But when I turn things over
to a power greater than I,
when I seek not do do what I need
to just get by but to follow,
to pray with meaning,
Not my will but yours...Then I get things done
not for show but for right,
for doing the next right thing,
for serving as I should.
I can't manage though I pretend to
but I can lead when I choose to follow
the leadership of an unseen power
who actually allows me to do his will,
not mine.

Jesus, Take the Wheel

I'm glad I got here

because where I come from
was no place to be.

I had buddies there,

not really friends

but co-addicts for rapport,

for sharing the guilt,
for practicing the coping.

One especially, but she says no,
she won't come over here

to sanity, to freedom.

I'm gonna miss her.

My wish is that I might live

so she can see hope

in my life, hope she needs,
that she might feel the fire,
that of the destructive blaze I've left
but of the sacred flames I've found.

I can't fix her, can't mend me.

All I can say is

Jesus, take the wheel.

Despicable

After you have tried other ways, and run out of people to blame, you realize your inability to control yourself. Your heart becomes contrite. That means you feel deep sorrow for your actions. You find your sins detestable. ~ Jo Cox in unpublished manuscript GOD MAKES US HOLY.

When you run out of people to blame...
We have a name for that in recovery.
It's called a Fourth Step.
It's a sneaky step, sounds easy.
Just make a list of all the wrong
people have done, a list of their names,
what they did, a full recitation
followed by how that hurt us.
The names and facts and outcomes flow.
Then you get to the fourth column
and the devious part.
We turned back to the list, 
for it held the key to the future...
Putting out of our minds 
the wrongs others had done, 
we resolutely looked for our own mistakes.Our mistakes? Now wait a minute.
What's the gain in that? THEY offended,
I was hurt, why should I find my missteps?
Surely I had no selfish acts, no dishonesty,
did not seek my own and they be damned,
I was enraged, not frightened!
Well, maybe I was scared of the questions.
And I sure as heck was of the answers.
And I did figure out I wasn't always the victim.
Do I have to be honest and say never?
But it was worth the pain.
When I found the truth,
lived through telling about it,
found freedom and release...
Listing my despicable acts
was the best thing I could have done
for healing all of me.

 

Divine Right

The arrogance of kings
to claim to channel God,
to punish rebellion as
sin, as defiance of holiness.

Yet I pray for knowledge
of God's will, for power
to carry it out and in him
to do his work, to be his hands.

Humility would preclude the claim.
But...when it works, when I'm aligned —
my actions, thoughts, and deeds
really do channel God.

Self Portrait

Times were when contemplating
who and what I am
was too painful to imagine.
Now, though, I make it a practice
to look at myself — inside and out —
often...not just daily but repeatedly
day in and day out, somewhat like
when on diets I would weigh myself
obsessively. Not that self examination
has become some sick obsession,
though. Instead I live in health
inside out, mental and physical.
Sixteen years ago I weighed
three hundred pounds and fell around
as often as I walked around.
My size twenty-eights
have become twelves,
my inability to answer a question
about what I believe or want
without instead responding for my man
has faded away to a true understanding
that what he thinks of me
is none of my business,
that the best thing I can do for him
is care for me... I have become a senior,
third from oldest of all my close kin.
And my portrait of myself
most the time wears a grin.

Hermetic

her·met·ic (adjective)1. (of a seal or closure) complete and airtight. "a hermetic seal that ensures perfect waterproofing"
2. of or relating to an ancient occult tradition encompassing alchemy, astrology, and theosophy.

Airtight, all wrapped up.
Or...a single, true theology
present in all religions
given by God to man.
Thirty minutes of reading
of Hermes Trismegistus

and his ilk yields minimal grasp,
insufficient understanding.
But how lovely the idea of recovery
hermetically sealed, all wrapped up,
preserved to fight off all...
how appealing a gift, unmerited,
requiring no struggle. 

But isn't that what we have?
No matter which god
(goddess, power, being, spirit)
a single, true belief
set out in twelve simple steps
no matter which god
but open to all, true within all,
the truth, serenity, love
all wrapped up
hermetically sealed
as long as we protect
that seal.

Darkness is Nothing

Darkness is not the opposite of light. It is the absence of light. One small match illuminates a vast cavern. Our eyes cling to the light, while fears retreat to far corners. Light has measurable properties, physical substance. Light is real. Darkness is nothing. ~ Jo Helen Cox

Cling to the light of recovery,
force the fears to retreat,
to flee to the corners, to diminish.
The light is real, darkness is nothing.
Your mind's craziness is not real,
need not control, has no power.
Hold to the light, to the hope.
Know that the light will grow,
that the fears lose their power,
that a better life awaits if you believe,
if you accept, if you cling to the light.

A Tenth Step

The promises, those glorious descriptions,
a life of recovery. New freedom, new happiness,
all the others...intuitively knowing it all, 
God doing for us. The promises, 
materializing if we work for them.
Okay, sign me up. What's next?
A Tenth Step every day. An inventory,
covering the day. When was I selfish,
dishonest? What have I resented today?
What's my fear doing today?
Find the answers. Enough, right? Wrong.
Set them right, now! 
Am I growing in understanding?
Do I seem more effective today in any way? How?
I look at my answers as I check the day's doings,
as I pull up the unwanted emotions and feelings.
Is it working? Have I really ceased fighting anything, anyone?
Am I drawn to my drug of choice or free from obsession,
just for today? Am I standing in the midst of neutrality?
Am I spiritually fit today? Am I maintaining spiritual condition
to relish today my daily reprieve? What vision have I?
Can I see God's will in all my activities?
Have I asked God how to serve him, sought his will?
Have I carefully followed directions today?
How have I seen God's spirit in me this day?

Sense the Flow

Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 85

If we followed the directions...
Whatever happened to the idea
the steps are merely suggestions,
to the claims of OA not to demand
this, that, the other, only one requirement...
the desire to stop eating compulsively.
Then we get nearly to the end,
just before Step Eleven and hear this,
that it depends on our following the directions.
Not that we're required to.
Not that we're not welcome if we putter,
if we don't take the steps seriously,
if we consider them suggestions.
But if we do, we're not going to get to Step Ten,
not going to have been relieved of fear,
not to have gotten the promises.
No, it only happens when we're desperate,
when we know they are suggestions
but that they work and the alternative...
well, we've lived that. And it's true.
We haven't earned it by flawless stepwork,
haven't deserved it for our willpower, our resolve.
No, we listened to others in person and in readings
and learned. And sure enough, that Spirit of Power
starts to flow, the Spirit living in us. Peace.

 

The Big Book

I love the book, sexist, staid,

opinionated...truly written by committee

but by inspired men, the scum of the earth

become its salvation, a bright light,
a beacon through the years

comforting people to know they really aren't

the only one so crazy, the only square peg,

the loneliest person in the world.

The Big Book makes a comfortable nest

for everybody in the world, especially

those lucky enough to need it desperately.

The Proper Use of Willpower

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee—Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the Will. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85

Strong in the head, as in bullheaded.
Determined to control, to be in control,
to guide all lesser beings into the right path,
to thrive, to glow, to be recognized.
Then I'm told to pray consistently,
regularly, daily but lots more, "not my will, God,
but yours." And if I listen, if I release,
my will's stuck away in the keepsakes box,
forgotten...except it's a pretty darned good
escape artist! But look at the book, at what it says!
We can exercise our will power along this line
all we wish! And that line is figuring out
how best to serve. Not my first choice,
but I still have a handle, still have a grasp,
and hanging on to that, watch me fly!

 

A Daily Reprieve

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85

We have arrived. That's what it is, what it feels like,
and that's the truth. We have become who we want to be,
have ceased fighting, have seen sanity return.
But while we're recovered we are not cured!It's a daily reprieve but it doesn't continue to "just happen."
It continues to happen if and as long as we maintain
the spiritual condition that got us here.
How can we do that? We admit we're powerless,
that our lives cannot be managed by us,
that there is some power greater than we are
who might be able to, and we turn our will and lives
to the care of that power. We look at ourselves,
we share our truths, we become willing and release our wrongs,
we become willing and make amends...
then we repeat ad infinitum, day after day,
rejoicing in the life we've found
and vigilant to hold on to it, to keep our daily reprieve.

It's Just Gone

    And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1170-1173).

The forward to the Big Book, in 1939, said
We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, 
are more than one hundred men and women 
who have recovered 
from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.It seems hard to believe, that "have recovered."
We listen to people talk about it,
hear the stories, desire it but doubt it.
Until it happens. Then we talk about it,
tell the stories, have what we desired,
never again doubt it. It has happened
and belongs to us so long as we hold on.

Love and Tolerance

Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, (Kindle Locations 1515-1516)

Resolutely turn our thoughts to others...
when what we just did was address our fears,
our resentments, our dishonesty and selfishness
we don't linger, don't search better control,
don't stay stuck in ourselves. No. The next right thing
is not me but you. Our thoughts don't dwell in us,
in me, in mine. But I set out to do service,
to help you find the path, to see what I can do
for others. Love for myself no longer dominates...
at least the unhealthy kind, the queen-for-a-day kind,
the woe-is-me kind. No, love for you and
tolerance of others. That's the important part...
once I've put my own house in order.

The Checklist

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84

A barrage of emotions can overwhelm
especially those who have spent chunks of life
avoiding having emotions...drinking or eating,
gambling, drugging...anything to keep from feeling.
But with a list...a handful of reactions,
something simple enough to remember,
to tick off quickly, to analyze. With a list
we can do it even if they still seem to meld together,
to blend into one. We can understand they are separate
and conquer them.

Selfishness. When am I selfish?
Not when I acknowledge I have my own needs,
not when I stand up for myself,
not when I ask for help. Selfish
is thinking I'm the only one whose needs exist,
that I'm the center not just of my own thoughts
but that I should be of yours and his and hers as well.
When have I been selfish today?

Dishonest. When am I dishonest?
I recognize the dishonesty in direct lies,
outright untruths, made up history
to take the place of that I dislike.
But dishonesty also means when I should speak up
and don't, when I am wrongfully silent.
And the biggest one, dishonesty to myself.
This little bite won't hurt...sure, something like that
has caused binges before, but this one won't.
I just can't do the right thing now because...
there's no good because. 
When have I been dishonest today?

Resentment. Who and what do I resent?
I remember writing inventory, listing resentments.
And I recall looking more closely, figuring out
I wouldn't have the resentment but for my part,
but for my goading, but for my making it all worse.
What have I resented today? And why?

Fear. When have I been fearful today?
Am I afraid of losing what I have, what I've gained?
Do I fear not getting what I want?
Am I afraid of what others think, of what they say, of them?
Does fear of not having enough paralyze me?
When have I been fearful today?

God, let me use what I find when I ask these
and let me rely on you to give me the courage,
the insight, the wisdom
to make it right.

In Case of Doubt

If doubt is challenging you and you do not act, doubts will GROW. Challenge your doubts with action and YOU will grow. ~ John Kanary

Doubt comes, normal in the process of life
but it's not a stop sign. It can be lack of conviction,
uncertainty, hesitation, questions present
but conviction is not necessary for movement,
uncertainty doesn't halt action, the best option,
the next right step even if the one after that
lies shrouded in mystery. Hesitation's fine
so long as it doesn't become statue-like,
cast in stone. Questions show consideration,
searching, the yearning to make clear right choices
but questions can't remain questions forever
and stop all action or they actually have become decisions
but decisions to stop, to give up, to cease to grow,
to build a wall. Doubt comes, but movement comes
if the doubt is to be a teacher and not a captor. 

The World of the Spirit

We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84

Once we have vigorously commenced
we find ourselves in a new place,
a new world, a new essence.
We have entered the world of the Spirit,
And what do we do in this new, strange world?
Our function is to grow in understanding,
in effectiveness. What a task!
How daunting, how awesome, how awe-full.
But not so much as to be impossible
for overnight growth, immediate effectiveness,
instant understanding is not expected.
Instead, it's a roadmap, a path, a goal, an ideal.
We've turned a corner, found where we are,
the road we'll travel the rest of our lives,
the road to sanity, to recovery, to peace.

Vigorously Commenced

We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Location 1209)

Methodically we work the steps
and carefully take them in order...
but that doesn't mean we wait
until we've finished the first nine
to have recovery. Understanding or not
even after the first meeting we're different
and recovery has started to happen.
We vigorously commence,
heartily continue, enthusiastically strive
to find the path, to grasp the principles
and rewards come, not only at completion
but moment by moment. 
Eventually we learn we never get there,
we've always got a way to go
but that's acceptable — to be coveted! —
for the further we go, the longer we walk,
the fuller the recovery and the greater the reward
of living. Really living.

Recovery Around Here

I've watched the fellowship grow here

from the five people 

at a Wednesday morning meeting

when I first came through the doors.

The only meeting in town, we met

around a single table, plenty of room.

The glory days of the fellowship 

rested in the past, and for years

a few brave souls hung on, held together,

hope for compulsive eaters in our town.

Now, seven years since I arrived, 

five meetings thrive, we're alive.

In the same way we, the individuals,

have gone through times of thriving

and bleak cold days when we barely held on,

but we, like the fellowship, can survive,

can prosper, if we keep coming back

and walk the steps.

The Oxygen Mask Lesson

If this happens, place the mask over your nose and mouth, and adjust it as necessary. Be sure to adjust your own mask before helping others. ~ Preflight instructions

I can't take care of you
when I haven't taken care of myself.
I cannot raise a confident child
when self-assured is a foreign concept.
I cannot take the speck from your eye
when the beam remains in mine.
Even the role of wife and mother,
one that seems created to serve others,
bears out the lesson. Meet your own needs first
so you have the ability to meet 
for others. 

How Do You Eat?

Do you go from Kroger to Safeway,

from Sonic to McDonald's,

from bakery to confectionery

so no one clerk see how much

you will eat?

Do you begin a diet each Monday

and by noon bemoan its demise?

Do you starve yourself, exercise

for hours, use laxatives or purge

to end a binge just to begin again?

Is food all you think of?

Must you finish the package

or two or three, buy for the family

and eat it all, grab food from the garbage?

Is your behavior around food insane?

Have you given up, reached the bottom,

lost all hope? Are you ready to stop?

Then welcome to Overeaters Anonymous.

Welcome home!

Fingers and Fingerprints

We are as unique as our fingerprints, but as our fingers join in the closing prayer, each of us is part of a circle of hope that is greater than any of our individual differences. ~ Courage to Change, Page 278

Odd man out, 
I believed as I said,
"I have no friends
but some believe
I'm theirs." Alone.
Looking back, I know,
by my own choice.
Who could understand me?
Who could know me?
Who could love me?
Then I learned
the answer is you all
as I put my hand in yours
and found
forever.

Compassion

Clearly I didn't know what compassion was, but I knew what it was not. Compassion was not seeking revenge, holding a grudge, calling names, or screaming and throwing things in anger. Yet that was how I frequently behaved toward this person I claimed to love. For me, the beginning of learning compassion was to eliminate such behavior. ~ Courage to Change, page 277

Compassion is not seeking revenge, holding grudges,
calling names, screaming, tossing objects.
A definition by elimination. The chicken's way out.
But definition loses importance when behavior's the issue.
If I can't do the right thing, can't think good thoughts,
can't be positive, affirmative, practical, right-thinking...
then the absence of wrong action moves toward the goal.
Acting as if, being willing to be willing, making believe
and playing the role. It's breaking the mold,
revising the habits, melding the metal,
recreating. It's stopping the behavior I've held to
for decades, for life, for sure. And stopping my behavior
allows substitution, makes room for surrender, 
removes me from the driver's seat
and remakes my world.

The only time I performed in a play was as Mama Noah. This just felt like the right illustration.

But When I Do

Kerboom. Pulling the trigger...
trigger foods, that is.
Eating and eating and eating
way past discomfort,
miles beyond full,
an astonishing amount
I'd rather not put words to,
I'd prefer you not see...
my comfort foods
that only long ago
really delivered comfort
but that now bring the opposite.
They vary. Chips and salsa?
Actually I can eat recklessly
but I can also decide to stop at three
and I do. But now sugar...
any kind of sugar...
although I dislike ginger,
prefer to avoid cinnamon,
those would never stop me
if the only sweets around 
abound therein.
Trigger foods.
Foods that try to kill me
every time I try a bite or two
and follow with days of gluttony.

 

Living Amends to the Universe

I know who I was, what I was, 
how low lay the bottom.
I know I constituted a blob,
a pile of poop on the world's rug.
And then I changed
and learned of the need
to make amends.
How do I fix shitty-rug-syndrom?
By living recovery
as well as then
I lived addiction
and hopelessness.

The Crowd

The crowd can be an unruly mass or
worshippers attending mass,
a mob intent on destruction
or a multitude open to receive...
to receive incongruous loaves and fishes,
words of wisdom, food bank commodities,
tickets to a rock festival, free candy.
A bad crowd, a congealed coterie,
a gang, a clique, a queue, a crew.
A crowd can be mean or filled with love,
can make you feel a part or apart,
included or isolated, loved or loathed.
A crowd is people, and if you are a part
you make the crowd what you are
or become what it is
or leave.

Photograph by Michael Gold