A Tenth Step

The promises, those glorious descriptions,
a life of recovery. New freedom, new happiness,
all the others...intuitively knowing it all, 
God doing for us. The promises, 
materializing if we work for them.
Okay, sign me up. What's next?
A Tenth Step every day. An inventory,
covering the day. When was I selfish,
dishonest? What have I resented today?
What's my fear doing today?
Find the answers. Enough, right? Wrong.
Set them right, now! 
Am I growing in understanding?
Do I seem more effective today in any way? How?
I look at my answers as I check the day's doings,
as I pull up the unwanted emotions and feelings.
Is it working? Have I really ceased fighting anything, anyone?
Am I drawn to my drug of choice or free from obsession,
just for today? Am I standing in the midst of neutrality?
Am I spiritually fit today? Am I maintaining spiritual condition
to relish today my daily reprieve? What vision have I?
Can I see God's will in all my activities?
Have I asked God how to serve him, sought his will?
Have I carefully followed directions today?
How have I seen God's spirit in me this day?

Sense the Flow

Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 85

If we followed the directions...
Whatever happened to the idea
the steps are merely suggestions,
to the claims of OA not to demand
this, that, the other, only one requirement...
the desire to stop eating compulsively.
Then we get nearly to the end,
just before Step Eleven and hear this,
that it depends on our following the directions.
Not that we're required to.
Not that we're not welcome if we putter,
if we don't take the steps seriously,
if we consider them suggestions.
But if we do, we're not going to get to Step Ten,
not going to have been relieved of fear,
not to have gotten the promises.
No, it only happens when we're desperate,
when we know they are suggestions
but that they work and the alternative...
well, we've lived that. And it's true.
We haven't earned it by flawless stepwork,
haven't deserved it for our willpower, our resolve.
No, we listened to others in person and in readings
and learned. And sure enough, that Spirit of Power
starts to flow, the Spirit living in us. Peace.

 

The Proper Use of Willpower

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee—Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the Will. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85

Strong in the head, as in bullheaded.
Determined to control, to be in control,
to guide all lesser beings into the right path,
to thrive, to glow, to be recognized.
Then I'm told to pray consistently,
regularly, daily but lots more, "not my will, God,
but yours." And if I listen, if I release,
my will's stuck away in the keepsakes box,
forgotten...except it's a pretty darned good
escape artist! But look at the book, at what it says!
We can exercise our will power along this line
all we wish! And that line is figuring out
how best to serve. Not my first choice,
but I still have a handle, still have a grasp,
and hanging on to that, watch me fly!

 

A Daily Reprieve

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85

We have arrived. That's what it is, what it feels like,
and that's the truth. We have become who we want to be,
have ceased fighting, have seen sanity return.
But while we're recovered we are not cured!It's a daily reprieve but it doesn't continue to "just happen."
It continues to happen if and as long as we maintain
the spiritual condition that got us here.
How can we do that? We admit we're powerless,
that our lives cannot be managed by us,
that there is some power greater than we are
who might be able to, and we turn our will and lives
to the care of that power. We look at ourselves,
we share our truths, we become willing and release our wrongs,
we become willing and make amends...
then we repeat ad infinitum, day after day,
rejoicing in the life we've found
and vigilant to hold on to it, to keep our daily reprieve.

It's Just Gone

    And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1170-1173).

The forward to the Big Book, in 1939, said
We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, 
are more than one hundred men and women 
who have recovered 
from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.It seems hard to believe, that "have recovered."
We listen to people talk about it,
hear the stories, desire it but doubt it.
Until it happens. Then we talk about it,
tell the stories, have what we desired,
never again doubt it. It has happened
and belongs to us so long as we hold on.

Love and Tolerance

Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, (Kindle Locations 1515-1516)

Resolutely turn our thoughts to others...
when what we just did was address our fears,
our resentments, our dishonesty and selfishness
we don't linger, don't search better control,
don't stay stuck in ourselves. No. The next right thing
is not me but you. Our thoughts don't dwell in us,
in me, in mine. But I set out to do service,
to help you find the path, to see what I can do
for others. Love for myself no longer dominates...
at least the unhealthy kind, the queen-for-a-day kind,
the woe-is-me kind. No, love for you and
tolerance of others. That's the important part...
once I've put my own house in order.

The Checklist

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84

A barrage of emotions can overwhelm
especially those who have spent chunks of life
avoiding having emotions...drinking or eating,
gambling, drugging...anything to keep from feeling.
But with a list...a handful of reactions,
something simple enough to remember,
to tick off quickly, to analyze. With a list
we can do it even if they still seem to meld together,
to blend into one. We can understand they are separate
and conquer them.

Selfishness. When am I selfish?
Not when I acknowledge I have my own needs,
not when I stand up for myself,
not when I ask for help. Selfish
is thinking I'm the only one whose needs exist,
that I'm the center not just of my own thoughts
but that I should be of yours and his and hers as well.
When have I been selfish today?

Dishonest. When am I dishonest?
I recognize the dishonesty in direct lies,
outright untruths, made up history
to take the place of that I dislike.
But dishonesty also means when I should speak up
and don't, when I am wrongfully silent.
And the biggest one, dishonesty to myself.
This little bite won't hurt...sure, something like that
has caused binges before, but this one won't.
I just can't do the right thing now because...
there's no good because. 
When have I been dishonest today?

Resentment. Who and what do I resent?
I remember writing inventory, listing resentments.
And I recall looking more closely, figuring out
I wouldn't have the resentment but for my part,
but for my goading, but for my making it all worse.
What have I resented today? And why?

Fear. When have I been fearful today?
Am I afraid of losing what I have, what I've gained?
Do I fear not getting what I want?
Am I afraid of what others think, of what they say, of them?
Does fear of not having enough paralyze me?
When have I been fearful today?

God, let me use what I find when I ask these
and let me rely on you to give me the courage,
the insight, the wisdom
to make it right.

The World of the Spirit

We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84

Once we have vigorously commenced
we find ourselves in a new place,
a new world, a new essence.
We have entered the world of the Spirit,
And what do we do in this new, strange world?
Our function is to grow in understanding,
in effectiveness. What a task!
How daunting, how awesome, how awe-full.
But not so much as to be impossible
for overnight growth, immediate effectiveness,
instant understanding is not expected.
Instead, it's a roadmap, a path, a goal, an ideal.
We've turned a corner, found where we are,
the road we'll travel the rest of our lives,
the road to sanity, to recovery, to peace.

Vigorously Commenced

We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Location 1209)

Methodically we work the steps
and carefully take them in order...
but that doesn't mean we wait
until we've finished the first nine
to have recovery. Understanding or not
even after the first meeting we're different
and recovery has started to happen.
We vigorously commence,
heartily continue, enthusiastically strive
to find the path, to grasp the principles
and rewards come, not only at completion
but moment by moment. 
Eventually we learn we never get there,
we've always got a way to go
but that's acceptable — to be coveted! —
for the further we go, the longer we walk,
the fuller the recovery and the greater the reward
of living. Really living.

Recovery Around Here

I've watched the fellowship grow here

from the five people 

at a Wednesday morning meeting

when I first came through the doors.

The only meeting in town, we met

around a single table, plenty of room.

The glory days of the fellowship 

rested in the past, and for years

a few brave souls hung on, held together,

hope for compulsive eaters in our town.

Now, seven years since I arrived, 

five meetings thrive, we're alive.

In the same way we, the individuals,

have gone through times of thriving

and bleak cold days when we barely held on,

but we, like the fellowship, can survive,

can prosper, if we keep coming back

and walk the steps.