Despicable

After you have tried other ways, and run out of people to blame, you realize your inability to control yourself. Your heart becomes contrite. That means you feel deep sorrow for your actions. You find your sins detestable. ~ Jo Cox in unpublished manuscript GOD MAKES US HOLY.

When you run out of people to blame...
We have a name for that in recovery.
It's called a Fourth Step.
It's a sneaky step, sounds easy.
Just make a list of all the wrong
people have done, a list of their names,
what they did, a full recitation
followed by how that hurt us.
The names and facts and outcomes flow.
Then you get to the fourth column
and the devious part.
We turned back to the list, 
for it held the key to the future...
Putting out of our minds 
the wrongs others had done, 
we resolutely looked for our own mistakes.Our mistakes? Now wait a minute.
What's the gain in that? THEY offended,
I was hurt, why should I find my missteps?
Surely I had no selfish acts, no dishonesty,
did not seek my own and they be damned,
I was enraged, not frightened!
Well, maybe I was scared of the questions.
And I sure as heck was of the answers.
And I did figure out I wasn't always the victim.
Do I have to be honest and say never?
But it was worth the pain.
When I found the truth,
lived through telling about it,
found freedom and release...
Listing my despicable acts
was the best thing I could have done
for healing all of me.