Alone

Language... has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone. ~ Paul Tillich

I've been alone, lonely.
I've longed for companionship,
for someone who understood,
for a kind touch, a soft word,
a hug.

I've been alone, solo, in solitude.
I've had my needs met, my comfort,
my contentment. I've known the joy,
the peace, of solitude and needed nothing.

The state of being is the same.
The state of mind worlds apart.

Opportunities to Commit

A change of attitude sometimes helps: Perhaps I can look at problems as opportunities to commit more deeply to my choices. In other words, every obstacle can prompt me to assert that I really mean it - I do want to be happy. ~ Courage to Change, page 212

Don't worry. Be happy.Catchy song. Easier said than done.
Worry is my business.
I've procrastinated so long
it's all due, right now,
and I'm no more anxious to tackle it now
than I ever was. But it must be done.
I got an app. I'm doing better about tasks.
Isn't there a happy app?
Maybe it's the same  one.
When I click "done" on a task
I should pause and be thankful
rather than sighing and playing a game
before I start the next one...

The poem published earlier this day was a repeat of a poem published in May, 2013. To continue the tradition of a new poem every day, this is offered as the new poem for the day.

Over

We come together
a community, loving strangers
close friends on meeting.
We leave, agenda complete
away from the us to the me.
The decompression,
descending from the heights
returning to a normal
no longer snug.
Can we carry recovery with us
or are we destined
to fall back into shape?

The Mockingbird in my Head

The mockingbird in my head

doesn't copy what I say —

he avers it wasn't worth saying,

is the stupidest think he's ever heard.

When I manage to keep my mouth shut

he's malleable, can critique my thoughts

with equanimity, finding them ridiculous.

He dives at me, aiming for my head,

when I get close to something good,

telling me I have no right to it.

But when I back off and think about it,

when I give myself a bit of credit,

I understand the mockingbird

has nothing original to say,

lives by following, parroting, mimicking.

He has no authority. If I tune in

to listen to my higher power,

I get a better picture, more kindly said,

and I can grow instead of cowering

under the assault of the stupid mockingbird

inhabiting my head.

Automation

After a while
routine takes over,
same after same
automatically.
Regimen, habits,
practice, schedule.
Not provoking breakthrough,
seldom elating or even pleasing...
But custom maintains
the right order, sane steps
a placeholder
awaiting rekindled growth.

Weigh and Pay

We are not a “diet and calories” club. We do not endorse any particular plan of eating. We practice abstinence by staying away from eating between planned meals and from all individual binge foods. Once we become abstinent, the preoccupation with food diminishes and in many cases leaves us entirely. We then find that, to deal with our inner turmoil, we have to have a new way of thinking, of acting on life rather than reacting to it— in essence, a new way of living. ~ "Our Invitation to You" in Overeaters Anonymous

I've tried them all.

Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem,

Metabolic Research Center,

Adkins, South Beach,

a private physician who gave me

carb blockers (I used when I intended

a carb overload) and injections

I gave myself in the stomach daily,

hypnotism, diets from books,

magazines, friends...

I had a pin put in my ear,

twisting it to reduce the eating.

A friend in Oregon

and another in California and I

set out to diet together by email.

I made charts of my proposed weight,

set goal dates, promised myself goodies,

listened to motivational tapes,

paid good money for counseling,

years at a time. I set out to write a book,

Who One Couple Lost 500 Pounds,

knowing i lacked a hundred of them

to get to an idea weight.

I tried it all, spent thousands of dollars.

All to finally discover at almost 66

that the money did nothing.

That the solution was free for taking,

an association of fellow sugar addicts,

compulsive eaters, a way of overcoming fear

by walking the twelve simple steps

as the weight rolls off, a free and gratis gift

for the accepting.

In loving memory of Terrie Murray, identified as a friend in Oregon

My Top Priority

I am my top priority. By keeping the focus on myself, I let go of other people's problems and can better cope with my own. ~ Courage to Change, page 203

Isn't it selfish to think of me first?
I've always heard to put God first,
others next, and me third
and I've done a good job of that...
trying to make everybody else happy,
setting them as a priority, striving to please...
though why does it not make them happy?
Why do I feel so abused when I put myself out
and they are dumb enough to believe
I've been thinking only of myself?
Co-dependent they call it.
Excessive emotional or psychological reliance
on a partner, typically one who requires support
due to an illness or addiction.
I don't stop with one, though...
I can be codependent with everyone I meet.
Maybe, though, sometime I can learn
I make everyone miserable, including myself,
when I try my hardest. Should I actually admit
I might do better if I change my top priority
to someone who know what I feel like when I'm happy?
Should I be my own top priority?

Self-Sufficient

If we accept “free” gifts from outsiders, or too much from one member, we become less than free ourselves. We may become dependent upon the money being donated and never learn to take responsibility and pay our share. The need to maintain good relations with the donor diverts attention from our primary purpose. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1793-1795).

Self-supporting through our own contributions.
What does that say if you were born into poverty,
if your single parent mother relied on assistance,
if your lunch was free, if you received money, food,
clothes, toys, school supplies from the benevolence of others?
Is there a duty to give back as an adult, to make amends
to society? How could you? Through service? Through teaching?
As a first responder? Through generosity towards others?
What if it's offered? What if we have a parent
long after we're adults who rescues us, who gives us gifts,
who treats us  like toddlers, dependent, needing assistance...
and guidance? What does it take to be self-supporting
through our own contributions? Amends? Turning down gifts
of passing them on? The traditions are not just for OA
but for OAers who practice these principles
in all our affairs.

Invincible Summer

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. ~ Albert Camus

The winter of my life, depressed,
inert, apathetic, slothful,
in the pit of compulsion...
In the depth of my doldrums
hope appears, incongruous,
absurd. Only on being pulled
from the deepest dungeon
could I find the promise,
the hope, the possibility
of new life, of growth, of abundance...
From winter comes summer,
a gift of grace.

Among Worms

We are all worms, But I do believe that I am a glow worm. ~ Winston Churchill

How easy it is for me to believe myself a worm.
Self respect has never been strong
despite my trying to make it seem to be so.
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me
I've eaten so many worms I'm one.
But I'm not.
No matter how long I might believed it.
I have value, have a Power who watches after me,
who directs my Steps to serenity, to joy and peace.
I may be a worm, but I glow!

Less Effort

Oddly it took much less effort to recover than I thought it would. Much like smoking, it takes way less planning and execution to not smoke than to smoke.  To not smoke, you simply don't smoke. It's the absence of activity. To not binge, I simply didn't binge.  ~ Maureen Gibbons

Less planning, less effort, less conniving
to have my way but have others respect me,
admire me, believe I'm behaving as I should...
I've gone to drive-through windows,
the same order, day after day (though never,
of course, twice the same day to the same place
for what if they figure out I'm not a casual guest?)
but after the donut shop I'd move on to Dairy Queen
and sometimes across town to get a different DQ,
then before getting home I'd have the evidence —
paper bags, cups, spoons, crumbs, bottles —
to take to a recycle center and drop them in the barrel
because heaven knew I could not stop at a store
and drop the trash without making a purchase!
Less planning, less effort, less conniving
to eat sanely, to stop when I've had enough,
to be able to have extra time in the car without sugar...
It's less effort by far to eat like a sane, healthy human.

My Pimpled Mind

Minds, like bodies, will often fall into a pimpled, ill-conditioned state from mere excess of comfort. ~ Charles Dickens

A pimpled face? Sure, most often fatty foods
somehow come before. And pimpled bodies
where extra flab memorializes mounds of sweets.
And those same excesses perpetuate entropy
in the stinking thinking in my head. Too much excess,
unrestrained self-pity, resentments, shame,
fear...they are the the decadence.
My pimpled mind, their monument.

Contend for the Faith

Beloved, being very eager to write to you of our common salvation, I found it necessary to write appealing to you to contend for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints. ~ Jude 3 (RSV)

I could have been a contender.
I once tried to fight the fight,
to juggle the balls,
to pound the heads of the
Whac-a-Mole until I'd won,
until I had it all corralled.
I heard what they said in the rooms,
knew it wasn't up to me,
that Step One was admitting I cant.
But that didn't mean I'd miss out,
that I could not have the prize.
Instead I had to understand
that all I had to do to contend for the faith
was to take it. To hold out my hand,
to trade my day, to serve without question
and with that I'd be given
the faith once delivered
to all the saints. And that's me.
I'm part of the group, one of the saints
as long as I give up my will and do His.

Our Will and Our Thoughts

Our will is nothing more than our thinking apparatus... What is my life? My life is nothing more than my actions... All action is born in thought. (Charlie P)

A television show demonstrating thought
before so simple an action as catching
a dollar bill you know will be released.
All action is born in thought, for real.
It can seem I act without thought!
Surely I'd not choose to do some of what I do!
Not after thinking about it, even for a moment.
But my thoughts are what brought be to ruin,
my very best effort, year after year after year.
But what if that thinking process were to change?
What if it were not my own best efforts but smarter,
better, wiser, mightier... What if the will
pulling thought-strings were not my own
but one who got it, grasped more than the strings,
knew how to pull them...and knew when that dollar would fall...
What if the same old thoughts, thinking, actions...
were new?

Clutched Tight

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. —Jan Glidewell (Quoted by Laura Drake,The Sweet Spot)

Hurry into the grocery store,
need three things, a cart's excess.
Get to the checkout with seven,
juggling to keep them until close
to the conveyor belt.
Why do we think we can hold on?
Why do we need to keep it all with us?
Isn't it okay to have it where we can find,
to use it to remember what we were like,
what we've learned, how blessed we are?
Are't the mental blessings so much easier
to hold on to than all the things we feel
we must control, must supervise, must own?

A Thousand Times

When I first joined AA, I thought the Big Book’s program of action was saying a thousand things. I slowly began to understand that it is saying a few simple things a thousand times. ~ Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects - Steps Six and Seven

Oh, I've done that a thousand times.Have you? Can you verify the figure?
I've got a thousand tasks to do today.Really? List them! I bet you can't name
a hundred. The emotion inherent
in that thousand word ranges
from terror to cockiness.
Other words can be that way...
filling you with confidence
or terrifying you with impossibility.
Neither is true, essentially,
the innate truth. They're words
like all and never, assertions of fact
that seldom are. If you're going to count
your transgressions, your defects,
your missteps the fear-forging meaning
fulfills its own prophesy. But if you rely
on thousands of nudges, tips, coincidences,
serendipities, the number will still loom huge
but the confidence level lever
swings wildly to the favorable side.

Sweet, Sweet Spirit

There's a sweet, sweet Spirit in this place,
And I know that it's the Spirit of the Lord;
There are sweet expressions on each face,
And I know they feel the presence of the Lord. ~ Doris Akers

My family of choice, this group...
and other such groups around the world
where I know nobody, where the language
isn't mine. These people know me,
have lived my story, and living it,
surviving it, moving through recovery,
they have found compassion for themselves
and thus for me. I know the old song
speaks not of recovery groups but of church
but I can't help its ringing in my head,
echoing the love of the fellowship.

The Exertion of Restraint

Search for the words
exertion with restraint
and delve into medical mishmash.
"serotenergic" "biotechnology"
"arrhythomogenic" "anomalies"...
For normal folk talking,
for the down-to-earth
they seem not to fit,
to clash, to speak at odds,
running off different directions.
Exertion is effort – physical, mental.
Restraint means chains, control,
an action. They're opposites,
aren't they? And what I need here
is exertion. I've got to get this written,
or some other deadline is here,
something that must be done,
but to ditch it all, to start over?
Why was I drawn to this title?
Why did I write it down so long ago,
send it to me to write about,
why did I choose it for this poem?
I must abandon it. But no. I must not.
Wait. Look around. Is there a wind,
one so powerful it breaks mountains?
Wait. Is there an earthquake
shattering the whole sphere?
Is there a great fire? That's exertion!
But the answer is not in the exertion.
The answer is in the waiting,
in the restraint, in the still small voice
that comes with the answer.

¹¹ And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but theLord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:

¹² And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.

¹³ And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah? ~ 1 Kings 19, KJV

Newcomer Chip

A metal disk, a token,
the serenity prayer on one side,
"one day at a time" on the other.
Given to those who decide
to "try our way of life for 24 hours."
A silly thing, rather meaningless...
they joke when they give it out,
say "if you feel the need to eat
something you know you should not,
put this under your tongue
and when it dissolves, eat what you wish."
Funny, though, how it seems to work,
how desperate folks who couldn't stop
compulsive eating walk away with this
and come back in a week,
testifying to miracles for seven days
one day — or one moment sometimes —
at a time.

QUIETT!!!!

I cannot stand this racket!
Can you really not hear it?
I know it's inside my head
but still, it's such pandemonium
it surely must resound around.
This guilt of mine, so hideous,
so appalling, If I don't get rid of it
I'll go mad! How can you act
like there's nothing?
You mean you really have no guilt?
We were raised together,
grew up two peas in a pod,
were so close we knew
each others' thoughts.
I know you've talked about
peace, about serenity.
Do you really think it could help?
What? You once bewailed
screaming guilt of your own?

You, Too?

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.” — C. S. Lewis (Laura Drake, The Sweet Spot)

It feels so like home, the rooms of recovery,
so that we call it our family of choice.
When we've lived all our lives feeling alone,
a freak, different, deviant, mutant.
It is home, for we've found our kind,
our tribe, the people who used to do
the same things we did,
who face the same issues, challenges,
who find wisdom in the same simple sayings...
We've found our home, our friends,
our soul mates and in the process
we finally make friends with ourselves.

The Scoreboard

Sometimes, blame is just an excuse to keep busy so that I don't have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness. ~ Courage to Change, page 189

She blew that conversation,
embarrassed me with my boss.
But he hadn't intended
to acknowledge me, anyway,
I could tell.  If Hopkins in shipping
had been on the ball he could have stopped it
but he let me down, dropped the ball.
How can I impress anyone
with a cast of fools around me?
Oh, I might have made a mistake,
maybe two, but still, among these jesters
I'm pulled down, wasted, discredited.
Oh, for the days I've heard described
when some lucky people, by the time
they reach the ninth step, have stopped
with keeping score. And I'd be with them,
keeping clean my side of the street
and failing to remember the score
outside of that.

Commit

If I never commit, I never suck.
I committed!!!! So for today, I don't suck! ~ Anonymous friend

Inertia can seem a blessing,
for nobody sees you, pays attention.
If you're still enough maybe, perhaps,
they'll think you a statue, or portrait,
part of the furnishings.
And leave you alone.
Sitting in the back of the room,
avoiding eye contact, forbidding
your body to fidget
maybe they'll forget you,
ignore you, move on to others.
If I don't enter the contest
they'll not know my fear
of looking the fool,
of feeling stupid.
But where's the fun?
Why would I want to?

A Healthy Reminder

A slip in our behavior can be a healthy reminder of what we don't want in our  lives. ~ Julie T

We can debate whether it's a slip
or a break of abstinence,
whether to recommit, take a chip,
or just start counting again...
There's no clear answer
but there is a message
in the behavior whenever,
whatever it is. But only if we see.
Only if we feel, realize...
We've lived the life of rampant addiction,
of powerless life, of unmanageable behavior
and we never want to return.
Hopefully we can remind ourselves
by thinking, talking, writing about it
but no matter how it comes to mind
we know to hold on to what we have
and never return to the insanity
we left behind.

Even for a Single Meal

The Master said, "Riches and honors are what men desire. If they cannot be obtained in the proper way, they should not be held. Poverty and baseness are what men dislike. If they cannot be avoided in the proper way, they should not be avoided. . . . The superior man does not, even for the space of a single meal, act contrary to virtue. In moments of haste, he cleaves to it. In seasons of danger, he cleaves to it." ~ Confucius

Virtue. If I'm a superior man
(Is that the same as a woman in recovery?)
I do not act contrary to virtue...
not even for a single meal.
(Does that mean an out-of-program snack works?)
Virtue. Does it denigrate the characteristic
to consider virtue equivalent
to a food plan? Even to abstinence?
No. Not if the morality I'm looking for
is that called recovery.
Then how do you keep virtue?
Not by being superior, I know that.
I've tried, and as superior as I can be
I'm a glutton, a wanton, a pig.
But in recovery I can act as if,
can pretend to be a superior person,
eating what I perceive one consumes,
ignoring the rest. For a single meal.
For every meal, every interstice between them.
In moments of haste, I'll cling to the behavior.
In seasons of danger, I'll do the same.
And I'll do it the proper way,
honestly, humbly, willingly.

The Perseverance of Stubbornness

Stubbornness is ego-driven and fear-based. Perseverance is surrender to my Higher Power and is faith-based. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 1164)

The character defect of being stubborn,
of doggedly blasting on, following the path
I've chosen no matter how many times
it's ended in failure. Headstrong,
insisting on my way, willful, pigheaded...
It's an old, familiar defect.
But when it comes disguised as perseverance,
when suddenly it's clothed as tenacity,
pressing on, going the distance,
not stopping short of the goal...
That character defect suddenly stands transformed,
an asset, a tool, a virtue.

Swimming in the Pool

He made a sound of disgust. Did he believe that? Or was it just a part of the cultural pool he’d swum in since he was a kid? ~ Laura Drake, Nothing Sweeter (Sweet on a Cowboy)

Sick families.
Sharing the addiction,
sharing the angst,
the self-loathing,
the fear, the shame.
We catch the paranoia
as though transmitted
in genes or passed by virus.
Patterns of coping
seen from our youth
seem to make sense
despite the fact
they fail for the role models.
We learn to swim
not in the clear water of love
but in the murk and filth
we early learn to hate
as we hate ourselves
for living there.

While the House Sleeps

My time. Chores done,
children asleep,
husband reading in bed.
Nobody to see me
seek comfort in cabinets,
solace in sugar,
oblivion in stuffing down
all the hate, the fear,
the resentment,
the disappointments...
I'm alone with my misery
with my BFF food.

Poison

The food you eat can be either the safest and most powerful form of medicine or the slowest form of poison. ~ Ann Wigmore

If you can't eat just one…
If one is too many
and a thousand is not enough…
If you feel compelled to eat
when you hurt, when you know
you want no more, when you hate it
and despise yourself…
When it's no longer nutrition
but poison, ready to grab you
and lead to death, slowly perhaps
or with near instantaneous malice…
When it's not medicine,
not sustenance, nor nutrition
but poison
why do you continue to put it in your mouth?

Gratitude

The grief counselor told the group to be grateful for what they had left. After lots of considering, Charla Rae decided she was grateful for the bull semen. ~ Laura Drake in The Sweet Spot

Count your many blessings,
name them one by one...MANY blessings?
There are days I'd be surprised
to find one, if that many.
What do you do with a gratitude journal
empty?
Blessings, abundance…bah!!
But if you sit long enough, still enough,
or if the insanity ranging inside
makes it necessary to flee,
to take off, wildly — to nowhere,
to anywhere but here,
to somewhere, somewhen, somehow…
then there is something,
be it ever so absurd
that fits on the gratitude list
and, the list started,
becomes one of some.

I Deserve

Each one of us has the ability to love ourselves more. Each one of us deserves to be loved. We deserve to live well, to be healthy, to be loved and loving, to prosper, and the little child deserves to grow up to have a wonderful, wonderful life. ~ Louise Hay. Power Is Within You (Kindle Locations 2009-2010).

I've heard it said what I deserve
is five days…in the electric chair.
I have earned no mercy, no grace,
no reprieve. But still, I deserve to be loved.
Not by merit, by excellence, by  status…
But because I'm "part of the family"
as inane repetitive way-too-familiar
local ads for travel trailers or some such.
I deserve to be loved not because who I am
but because of whose I am. I have the choice
to accept the opportunity to have a life
that is wondrous, wonderful, welcome.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: he was repeating the alphabet. 'Why are you saying your ABCs so many times?' I asked him. ... 'Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters. God knows what I'm trying to say.' ~ Courage to Change, page 182

How do you know what to pray for
when someone asks you to pray for them?
Pray that they have everything you want...
serenity, peace, joy, love...
and that doesn't deprive you of your share.
God's got plenty, an unlimited supply
so long as you let him lead,
as soon as you yield to him, surrender,
give up your own will, ask for only that
which helps others, not for yourself
unless someone else will be helped
if you get what you pray for.
It doesn't matter what you pray for.
God knows. He fills in blanks quite well.