Preconceived Notions

From now on, we let go of our preconceived notions about what is right for us. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 248-249)

God, this bit about surrendering my life
to a power greater than I...
Okay. I can do that,
take on a consulting companion.
What? Won't cut it? Ouch.
So how much do you want?
Oh, I get it. You want to have me
consult with you then.
That's certainly more than I envisioned.
WHAT? Not enough? Geesh!!
Okay, I'll let you make the choices
so long as I can accept them.
You drive a steep bargain, though.
You're kidding!!! That won't do??
You're talking like Daddy did,
dictatorially: "When I say jump,
you jump. And you can ask how high...
on the way up."

Just Believe

Now when someone leaves a will, it is necessary to prove that the person who made it is dead. The will goes into effect only after the person’s death. While the person who made it is still alive, the will cannot be put into effect. ~ Hebrews 9:16-17 (NLT)

Doctors had pronounced him incurable. Society was about to lock him up. Like myself, he had admitted complete defeat. Then he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known! ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 11

Jesus told Nicodemus
he had to be born again.
He said flesh comes from flesh,
spirit from spirit.
God so loved he gave his son.
Just believe – no more – and Spirit
gives spirit where flesh condemns.
We’ve turned away from light,
loving darkness, doing evil.
Fear blocks the light.
Just believe,
be ready to live by truth,
walk into light,
in the light,
seeing miracles,
living miracles.

Create in me a clean heart,
O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.*

*Psalm 51:10-22 (NASB)

From A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us

Conditions of the Day

Then, in Step Seven, we humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings such as He could or would under the conditions of the day we asked. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 108

When could God not remove shortcomings?
Omniscient, competent without limit,
the source. But faithful to rules —
his own. I am not a puppet,
not manipulated, free to choose.
Even if I say, "I am now willing"
but take it back or deceive
he cannot, remaining faithful.
Would God decline to do what he could?
Perhaps. I may be willing, for real,
but lacking resources, inadequate to cope
without the crutch. An answer of yes,
not now. Another day.

True Ambition

True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 124-125

Walk humbly with your God —
that's one of the things God requires
along with doing justice, loving kindness.
Living usefully can be doing justice.
Does true ambition mean loving kindness?
It does, when ambition's definition
derives from seeking recovery,
not from craving power, glory.
So true ambition equals
achieving a life well lived.

Ultimately Worthwhile

Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile initially scared me to death. ~ Betty Bender

Fear, that short word
touching every aspect of life...
evil, corroding... causing trouble.
But fear need not gain the upper hand...
at least not retain it.

We need not bow down to fear.
Our Higher Power stands ready to zap it
and show us who we are to be,
and then our lives
can be ultimately worthwhile.

Dare to step through the door to promises fulfilled.

Notice that the word “fear” is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn’t go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn’t fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse. Perhaps there is a better way, we think so. For we are now on a different basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity. We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 978-991)

Good Luck

Why is everyone's luck
better than mine?
Why does the worst thing happen
every time? Don't I ever get a break?
I try and try but it's not enough,
or so it seems.
So what is luck? Winning jackpots?
An unknown rich relative leaving billions?
Getting what I don't deserve?
The luck I need is doing the next right thing
day after day, one day at a time,
and being rewarded day after day
with blessings galore
beyond my wildest dreams.

Peace on Earth

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. ~ Luke 2:14, American King James Version

War and rumors or war,
terrorism, agitation, dissension.
Where's this promised peace on earth?
And who's to get it? Is it really
"on earth peace, good will toward men"
or like other translations, peace —
but to those God's pleased with.
Why do they need peace? Aren't they set,
aligned with the forces that be, at peace?
Or is it that God's pleased when folks get it,
have that peace, accept it? Which is egg,
which chicken – which comes first?
Isn't peace-capacity woven into our being
waiting for recognition, acceptance?
Isn't God pleased when we get it, accept it?
He's pleased with us then,
sorrowing for the rest, longing for all
to have peace – around the globe,
acceptance of the great gift of Christmas,
peace on earth in each life.

Emmanuel

Immanuel (or Emmanuel or Imanu'el, Hebrew עִמָּנוּאֵל meaning "God is with us") is a symbolic name which appears in chapters 7 and 8 of the Book of Isaiah as part of a prophecy assuring king Ahaz of Judah of God's protection against enemy kings; it is quoted in the Gospel of Matthew as a sign verifying the divine status of Jesus. ~ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immanuel

God with us. A god who know us,
cares about us, nurtures us, leads us,
a power beyond our comprehension
until we finally realize only the god among us,
within us from the beginning, can restore us
to meaning, to serenity, to sanity. If not restore,
this god gets us there for the very first time.
All we need do is decide it's worth a try
and he comes all the rest of the way.
God with us, emmanuel!

The Angel's Message

Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace,
good will toward men.
An ethereal proclamation
a couple thousand years ago...
A statement of fact? A prophecy?
A prayer reverberating though ages?
Yes, yes, yes. A fact that night --
the angels as well as fact glorified God
as did shepherds and the sky itself,
the heavens and all creation.
A prophecy, defining a historic swivel,
a cosmic gyration, a dividing line
with past and future severed.
A prayer and proclamation
of God, to God, for God,
resounding for eternity.

Artwork by Sandy Lewis Carter in THE INNKEEPER'S CHRISTMAS EVE

Futility

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 961-962).

Just what kind of squandering hours
does resentment bring?
And is that the only road to get there,
to futility and unhappiness?
Does the fact I squander hours
equal resentment run amok?
Maybe, if I'm the object of the feelings
while feeling them, disdain for squandering hours,
for stupid computer games, for a life frittered away.
An endless circle, playing games, resenting weakness,
hiding by playing more to try to salve my soul
for playing the games...
I powerless over resentment,
and life's unmanageable — by me, at least.

The End of the World

Facts woven together,
laced with assumptions,
braided into veracity —
we accept them, rely on them,
consider dissent heresy.
The end of the world comes!
Since this happened, that followed,
reasoning decrees the truth
and we build our lives on it.
Then we finally realize we're not in charge
and wait and see if our conviction
relates in any manner to reality.

Listening for Guidance

I can consciously and daily listen for guidance. ~ Julia Cameron

"More will be revealed."
A Big Book truth not in the Big Book,
but repeated, passed on, recalled
for the truth of the matter stated.
How does the Power reveal more?
By what people say, what they live.
Through children with no idea what they say
and people we disdain, dismiss —
until they speak a truth we cannot.
We offer ourselves to God.
Why don't we then listen
for our instructions?

Deception

The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves. ~ Bill W.

I lie, often, easily, convincingly.
Does it start by self-deception?
I delve into the mystery, find pride
as my justification for lies outward.
How could that cause inward fiction?
Scratch deeper, find that old nemesis,
impaired self-esteem, whispering,
mumbling, insisting I stand unworthy,
don't deserve the joy, the peace, the bliss
of recovery. I sabotage my serenity,
my sanity, my life
when I know, if I'll just think,
grace is never deserved, God's love
flows freely. I deceive only me.

Unrecover?

Once you have seen recovery I think it's harder to unrecover. ~ Maureen G

Backsliding can carry you down
the trail you've climbed,
back to the bottom, the pit —
but even if you seem to be as deep
as ever it's not the same.
Once you've tasted recovery,
once you've seen promises come true,
you're never again as totally devoid
of hope.
So come back home.
It works when you work it
and you're worth it.
And your life depends on it.

God of Consolation

"May the God of consolation touch their hearts and ease their pain." ~ Pope Benedict XVI on shooting at Newtown, Connecticut

The God of consolation.
Like who wants the consolation prize?
"Comfort received after loss
or disappointment..."
But comfort! How we crave comfort,
how we try all our lives to find
a source of comfort. In good times
and in bad. How we look
in wrong places, in addiction,
in blame, in self-pity, in anger,
in rage...
The God of consolation.
A source greater than each of us,
a power actually able to touch hearts,
to ease pain. The God of consolation
is with us always, in good times and bad,
in joy as in sorrow. Consolation is good.

 

Never Exclusive

To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 46

I sit in a sanctuary as a praise band practices,
playing familiar Christmas tunes
but with harmonies and cadences
heretical in my youth. They touch my spirit,
pulling me in, igniting my soul, preparing,
cleansing my heart for worship and for Christmas
as nothing has for years...
In a society where a "religious holiday"
can be the stated justification for shallow crowds
on holy days, we need our hearts strangely warmed.
May we learn to learn and to worship and hear guidance
in fresh ways, from unexpected grace.
May we understand our god is inclusive,
welcoming, never prohibiting, embracing seekers,
never ever excluding.

Pretty Drastic

But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic. It meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out of the window. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 692-693)

Pretty drastic, this recovery.
Innocuous to begin with,
though kind of lame,
seems silly at first.
But something pulls,
draws you back,
intrigues. Something they have,
you'd love to find...
And then you find it,
but it claims your life.
You're no longer in charge,
surrendering,
throwing all you value out.
Yes, it's pretty drastic.
And quite wondrous!

The Purpose of the Big Book

...that’s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. That means we have written a book which we believe to be spiritual as well as moral. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 720-722)

The Big Book is about
a Power greater than I and.
And —
that Power will solve my problems.
The promise isn't abstract.
That Power plays a role, and what a role.
WILL solve my problem.
Could say all my problems,
could be specific, but words have meaning
and here it's singular, one problem.
But one's enough. Take care of the eating
and the rest will follow —
as long as it's the Power taking care,
not me, the surrogate, the substitute,
the inept. God is the Power that can
and doing it is the main purpose of the book —
and the millions who are proof of what happens
when God solves that problem.

Flying Proof

What about people who proved that man could never fly? ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Location 833)

Reasonable doubt. Where does it fit?
Incontrovertible proof —
except that it's been shown erroneous.
Actual Innocence projects find case after case,
people found guilty beyond a reasonable doubt —
proven not culpable. So what about those folk
in the waning years of the eighteen hundreds
offering definitive proof of the impossibility
of human flight?
You say you know these twelve steps,
so simple, so inane, could never work?
How sure are you? Enough to bet your life?

On the Path

I may stumble and fall but I'm still on the path. ~ David S

The path of recovery,
a path we share with others,
but one we must walk ourselves
though not alone, always with friends
either with us or supporting,
a constant presence.
But we walk alone for spells,
and sometimes it's rough,
cluttered with fears and shame,
with cravings and longings,
hopes and necessity.
We stumble, sometimes fall,
but as long as we refuse to wander,
as long as we're wanting recovery,
then we're still on that path
with grit ground into knees
and trail dust fogging around us
but we're on that path,
the path to recovery.

She Eats

I called her and she asked, 'What did I do?' but I stopped. I thought I'm not going there, because the asshole eats. ~ One of us!

It's a choice. Anger. Fury. The blame game.
It's a habit, make someone hurt
to share it, to bear it, to disown it.
It's a choice, to roil up emotions,
to suffer, to play the martyr, to gain pity.
Then it's a disease to fall back to comfort —
even miserable comfort – numbing the pain,
forgetting the blaming, the hurting, the rage...
regressing to actions long-since devoid
of soothing properties, those misnamed
comfort foods.

Beyond Our WIldest Dreams

You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as you dominant aspiration. — James Allen

Want a little, get a little.
Dream big, and watch what happens.
Don't tell God what you want.
Tell him you're ready for his plans,
ask what you can do to help
and see what he's got planned
way past your wildest dreams.

Mirror Image

I've spent so many years
hiding from me, not looking
at pictures, mirrors —
certainly not at what's inside!
I've hidden out in the open,
disguising myself so others can't see —
or so I thought, but if I don't see
they won't either, right? Maybe...
Then I gave up, turned running me over
to a Power who can, and suddenly,
I can look without fear, at lease much...
and you know what? I kind of like
that woman in the mirror.

Love Trumps Hate

Love trumps hate. ~ Penny to Sheldon (The Big Bang Theory)

Sometimes we're smart and know it.
Sometimes we're lacking in credentials
and hide from it, dismissing ourselves,
embarrassed to be less by society's standards.
But smart and angry, filled with hatred causes
caustic burning corrosion from inside.
How smart is that? Honest concern,
genuine affection, brotherly love builds up,
boosts giver and recipient. And without degrees,
lacking education and status, we thrive.
Can that be dumb?

The Holy Traditions

Every culture – each family – has them,
the holy traditions, the ​rules​, the right way.
Learned at mother's knee, not subject to doubt,
the mandate is clear; to question, heresy.
The God of your understanding? Like parents',
years after they're dead and gone —
the ​family ​God, the one you were raised to trust.
We find new paths as easily as we can change
the dressing recipe, the menu, the routine.
But what ​is ​tradition but ossified habit?
Patterns can be hard to break but can be —
even routines long-since morphed to addiction.
Holy traditions hold us from respect,
from habit, from inevitability.
They hold us because we cling to them...
until we don't.

Wisdom Yields Patience

Wisdom yields patience. It is to one's glory to overlook an offence. ~ Proverbs 19:10-12  (Note of reminder in workplace)

Wisdom and patience.
A connection exists,
but which comes first?
What is patience?
Accepting or tolerating
delay, trouble, suffering
without anger or distress?
And wisdom? Just being wise?
I thought patience grew wisdom...
but that's like wanting willpower to bud,
then bloom, then grow
from sterile soil, from diseased roots,
from death itself in a desperate soul.
Wisdom comes easier, more naturally,
not needing absent assets. Wise,
transplanted, grafted from a power
external, more able. Gifted with wisdom,
patience finds nourishment, sustenance.
Patience creeps, setting down roots,
grabbing hold, freeing diseased people
to look up, not down, to see good granted
sufficient to stroll past foolishness, hurtfulness,
able to look up to the good, the affirming —
not down at slights.

A Matter of Faith

I was telling my Higher Power that I had more faith in food than in Him. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 2739)

Saying grace comes natural,
Thanks for the food, bless it...
oh, and God, make me lose weight,
help me be thin.
Now pass the platters!
I'm so mad at her, I could eat a horse.
This is so good! I can't let it go to waste.
Just wish it wouldn't go to waist, sigh.
Now, I made this for you, you better eat it —
come on, take more! Don't you like it?

A good home-cooked meal can fix it all?
Why do they call it comfort food?
Why do we pray to a god, if what we really worship
is the food?

Washing Machine Head

My head was like a washing machine, this way, that way, this way, that way. ~ Esti

Indecision, oscillation,
should I this, what of that,
he'll get mad, that's not right,
I don't want to but I should.
Head rocks one way, back again,
try to please, keep the peace,
don't let on I'm full of fear,
keep the wolves outside the door,
make them happy, looking good,
fix the world, hold it on track.
Enough. Stop the fuss.
When I reach out, release control,
admit I can't run the world
then the turmoil settles, and I rest,
doing the next right thing,
at peace with life.

I Who Love Myself

Loving myself, I can love you.
When I don't love me, I can't love you.
I can serve you, worship you, disdain you,
analyze you, lionize you, celebrate you,
envy you, fear you, resent you, covet you,
depend on you, adhere to you, swear by you,
swear at you, loathe you, recoil from you,
avoid you, disdain you, live for you...
But to love you, I must love me first.





With credit for the picture to Adam Christensen who posted it and Terri Elders whose shared version I saw (months ago).

Knowing What I Don't Know

He has the ability to know what he doesn't know, which is a good quality for a politician. ~ Paraphrase of comment on NPR about new president of Mexico

All those years I had to save face,
to act like I knew what I was doing,
what was going on – I had to be right
and in control. I knew it was a lie,
of course, since doubts frothed within,
stuffed down deep so nobody would know
what I knew I didn't know.
How freeing it is, those little words
when spoken earnestly, humbly, freely:
"I don't know." It can be followed with more,
"I'll find out" or "Why don't you ask..." or just "Sorry."
But just the three little gigantic words
suffice.

Other Shoes

I know her. Fine person,
hard worker, honest, sincere,
good folk – observed for years.

I don't know her. Learned things,
these years later. Surprised, confused,
befuddled. How could I not have seen
the sum of what I knew was assumptions,
believing public fronts.

Judge not. Either pro or con
you don't know what you've surmised.
My job is not to evaluate her.
I keep my side of the street clean,
work my program. Leave the pedestals
and barrel bottoms to others.
Who she is is no business of mine.
 Who I am is my business
one day at a time.

Contempt

We've no need to agree...
you're free to think your thoughts
and I'll honor them, agreeing
of not.

We've no need to lie, to pretend,
to dismiss real needs, yours
or mine. We have the right
to disagree.

But we have no right to contempt.
When you brand my position
as beneath consideration,
when I scorn your reasoning,
when we call the opposition
worthless, of no account
we're dismissing people,
not positions.

Fear Not!

We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​page 64.

That inventory, Step 4.
Who do you resent,
what did they do,
my part, affects my what?
Good list, solid, worked through
completely. But there's more there.
Easy to overlook, seems less,
secondary, second thought...
if any. Fear's part of that list,
but then a list of its own. What fears?
Did I even seek them? I don't remember.
I just know now, these years past,
it's time to look again.
#1. Fear of a fear inventory.
So, what's next?

Hope before Honesty

Honesty's the Step One principal,
Admitted we were powerless,
fessed up to unmanageable.
Then Step Two's summed up in Hope.
Came to believe, maybe a Power could...
But can honesty come before the hope?
Can you really be honest without hope?
That's the wisdom of a Twelfth Step,
sharing the story of one addict with another.
Maybe it's too soon to hope for rescue,
but there's that camaraderie, that recognition.
He knows what it's like. She's been like me
but no longer. She's got something I can't imagine.
I want what he has, and it can't be impossible —
he's proof, she's evidence. Maybe, somehow,
I can find that peace.

Unsettled

People wish to be settled; only as far as they are unsettled is there any hope for them. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson Just get past this crisis and all will be well!
At lease I think it will... But when have I known
a crisis to be past? Don't I nurse them for a while,
invite protégé to take the place of the last big one,
morph from one to another?
But is that me or is it God? Is Emerson right —
when the crisis is over, hope is gone?
Like a calm sea, a life – or boat – moves little
without the turmoil, the roiling waves, the gale.
And sitting on calm water produces little but sunburn.
So, I'll accept the crisis, relax, and trust the strong, steady hand
that holds the tiller.

Practice Prayer

C-D-E-F-G-A-B
B-A-G-F-E-D-C.
Scale after scale after scale.
Who wants to play scales?
Who wants to practice?
Not this little girl. Never.
Just the minimum,
enough to get by.
Why play scales?
Because they're building blocks
because they make the rest easier.
Because when you sit down
on that bench fifty years later,
when you haven't practiced for years
the fingers know the routine.
When you need release, when times are tough
having practiced brings it back
makes it so you can play
so you can connect
when connection comes hard.

Word By Word

BE

A passive verb, but it's in the imperative position. An order to be passive?

STILL

Turn off, disconnect, cease and desist. Rest. Let it be. It will wait. Serene, at peace.

AND

But there's more. I know you can't hold on to nothingness, that your mind fills up with thoughts, conscience jabs, todo lists unwritten, life.

KNOW

Acknowledge, realize, be certain, have a conviction. Perceive, tune in, understand, be familiar. Bring into your consciousness.

THAT

A wasted word, one to be edited out, made better, tightened. Still, it's there, that that. There's a connection coming, a completion. Don't rush on, make up new rules, take this process your way. Allow the that.

I

The great I am, I who who was, is, will be, creator, sustainer, the essence of life and matter. And in person, direct, speaking to me. Telling me what to do, caring that I understand, that I play a role, that I participate!

AM

That passive verb again, but so active, so vibrant, so moving. Here it connects, defines, affirms.

GOD

Everything. The universe, the smallest sliver of an atom, all matter, all essence, all understanding. Awesome, almighty, awe full. Speaking to me, listening to me, wanting only that I turn full attention for a few moments. How could I not? Why must I return time after time to this place, this position, this mindset, willing to wait on God, ready to take his orders, accepting with grateful tears his comforting grace, his fatherly love, his time?

Wait

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. ~ Isaiah 40:31

Life gets tedious.
Even the good times,
sitting around, visiting,
enjoying...driving each other crazy.
Life gets full of business,
lists and obligations, requests and shoulds.
We burrow through, intent,
determined...or procrastinate.
Still, working or avoiding,
the focus is on the shoulds, doing right.
How do we escape? Relax,
give in, surrender. Turn it over
and let it go. Let God.
Wait on him, and suddenly
the wide world raises us, soaring.

Living Justly

It is impossible to live pleasurably without living wisely, well and justly, and impossible to live wisely, well and justly without living pleasurably. ~ Epicurus (For Today [Kindle Locations 3144-3145])
...and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? ~ Micah 6:8, KJV

Justice is treating people right.
That doesn't mean making everybody alike,
creating all equally, precisely divvying up the cheese,
creating cookie-cutter folk.
Justice is treating people right.
When I act justly, I treat people right,
give them respect, honor their needs, acknowledge concern,
but I'm not their savior, their leader, their mother, their judge.
Justice is treating people right.
I can't deny their thoughts, needs, wants,
though I have no need to meet them. Maybe guide,
maybe support, but not interfering or manipulating.
Justice is treating people right.
I'm a people, with needs, ideas, goals, plans.
I must respect myself, welcome growth,
allow success though insecurities want to disagree.
Justice is treating people right.
I will respect people, honor them, aid in change,
sympathize, encourage, support them. Including me.
I'll treat all God's people right.

Giving Thanks

A notable in medical circles from coast to coast, Dr. Earle flatly stated that despite his medical knowledge, which included psychiatry, he had nevertheless been obliged humbly to learn his A.A. from a ​butcher.​ Thus he confirmed all that Dr. Harry had told us about the necessity of reducing the alcoholic's ballooning ego, before entering A.A. and afterward. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age,​ page 4

Gratitude swells among those once hopeless
and now recovering. Futility and failure, we know —
and marvel they do not remain our lot.
On a day of gluttony among those so normal
it can be just one day and not a continuous agony,
we find no need to binge, no reason to induce food fog.
We find real fellowship among family so long estranged
by our isolation, build new bonds, and know well
in other homes, at other tables, around the world
we have another family, one of choice, holding hands today.
We praise our higher power and those who led the way,
grateful to give and receive the support we need
to remain in recovery, sanity, and peace.

When They Will Love

Peace will come when the Arabs will love their children more than they hate us. ~ Golda Meir

Resentments possess us, dominate us,
turn us to automatons focused on hatred
even when we know that aversion will kill us
well before the legatee of the loathing.
What do we do to ourselves, to our loved ones,
to peace, to good, to sanity just to cling bitterly
to indignation, animosity, jealousy, and self-destruction?

A Position to Be Hurt

Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous: the "Big Book" (Kindle Locations 911-912). 

The “Big Book” of AA speaks of self-interest that places us in a position to be hurt. I knew that our marriage could never be what I hoped for, but I feared that if I left my husband I could not support my children. So I stayed, out of fear and self-interest, and I was in a position to be hurt. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2636-2638).

Why do we settle? Why accept "good enough"
knowing it's not? Why not expect the great good things
available for us, waiting for us, searching for us?
Because of disbelief. Because of self-doubt, insecurity, shame
from some source only in our heads.
What happens when we stop accepting "good enough"
but do expect all that is great and good and waiting for us?
What happens when we accept the bounty, the abundance of recovery?
Who knows but Power that transforms? But sometimes,
this time, good enough grows, blossoms, deepens, matures
against all expectations, contrary to reason or probability,
as amazing as recovery but spreading, morphing, becoming great.

Act As If

“You’re asking me to be a hypocrite,” I said. “Oh, heaven forbid! You could be a glutton, a thief and an egomaniac—vicious in every possible way; you could smell bad, you could look bad, but by God, we don’t want you to be a hypocrite!” ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2570-2572).

Tell some higher power – the wind, a tree,
the chair holding you up – I know you're not real
but I need you to do this...
It's not so odd, though, this need to create your Power,
to act as if. Some of us came with ecclesiastical credentials
and strong pedigrees. But we come, too, with history of compulsion,
with a record of insanity. We come either agnostics or atheists
as to that Power's ability to structure our lives, to relieve the urge
to binge, to eat and eat and eat, to lead lives freed from mad insanity.

Real Enough

Quoting a small child in a learning environment including both: "Robots are real enough to take the place of the turtles." (A researcher on a NPR program before I woke up enough to site better.)

I was real enough to get by,
to function even pretty well
but inside was mechanical,
automated, fake pretending well.
I wasn't real enough to be me.

Abstinence

A compulsive overeater can’t fully grasp and develop a spiritual way of life while bingeing, any more than an alcoholic can while still drinking... Now I needed to be open and receptive to the discipline in eating and in the other areas of my life which were suggested in OA. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2444-2445, 2450-2451).

Just a bite isn't just a bite
but a wedge  between me and my rights,
my hope, my future, my recovery,
my sanity. Maybe a tiny wedge won't hurt
but then again how many single tiny wedges
have there been, will there be if that one bite
starts to drive the wedge?

I'm powerless, not just over apple fritters, Blizzards —
but over an extra carrot, just a plain mini-bagel,
a few extra ounces of the right stuff.
I'm powerless over what I put in my mouth
but I have a Power who can overcome,
who stands constant wanting me to accept that great gift,
abstinence.

Childlike

teachable
as a child learning
recovering

The Faithfulness of Moses

He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house. ~ Hebrews 3:2 (NIV)

Besides a seeming inability to accept much on faith, we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Pages 47-48

Say Moses died at 120,
less wandering forty years, twice,
lose maybe five more years 
after shedding sandals 
for the burning bush — 
at my age was he scared, 
maybe obstinate, touchy,
hating Egyptians? 
Did Moses learn faithfulness?
When? In an instant, picking up that rod?
In seven days of plagues?
During forty nights and days on Sinai?
I’ve got only one day,
one night, 
right now.
But I’m faithful now.

Lord, Paul talked about 
the shield of faith, 
helmet of salvation,
and sword of the spirit.
I pray for all of that 
and the grace to accept it when offered.

From A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us

Weakness or Strength?

We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​page 68

Giving up, admitting I can't do this
should be humiliation, chagrin, embarrassment.
How could I do that, I who know so much,
have such talent, am such a leader?
How could I lay down all my armor
and surrender?
                             Actually, easily.
It's all about the what, the who, the why.
When I finally, at long last, give up
and ​know​ there's no way I can manage me,
my life, my day, the food I eat —
when I admit I'm without power —
then and only then can I fully find
just what it is those who've come to these rooms,
stayed, lived lives of recovery —
then can I realize what they've been saying
that a Power greater than I ​can ​manage me.

Teachable

Once we have become teachable, we can give up old thought and behavior patterns which have failed us in the past, beginning with our attempts to control our eating and our weight. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 131-132).

Teachable. I don't want to be taught,
prefer the role of teacher. But, still.
I know where my behavior, my decisions,
my leadership got me — smack dab in miserable.
Teachable. Is it so bad to have someone else
point out the pitfalls, identify the traps,
make a few suggestions? I can take it from there.
Teachable. A few suggestions aren't what I need.
I need a copy of ​Living Recovery for Dummies.​
I don't need to be in charge, don't need the podium.
I can just sit back and be teachable.
Now if I just ​will.​