Spirits Abound

All Hallows Eve, the day before
the day of the dead, All Saints Day.
Spirits abound, not necessarily Yoda,
Charlie Sheen, or even zombies.
The old hymn celebrates them —
"For all the saints who from their labors rest,
who thee by faith before the world confessed."
Not only St. Augustine, Martin Luther,
John Wesley, Calvin, Joan of Arc but
Jim Wilson, Bob Smith, Sister Ignatia,
Ebby, Dr. Silkwood, the first one hundred,
Jim Willis for gamblers, Roxanne
for overeaters, and countless others
with foresight and vision – and hopelessness,
addiction, lack of power, at the end of their rope.
We're grateful for the spirits who led us all
to rooms of recovery, and honored to be
the old folks who prepare the way for those to come,
saving ourselves in the process.

Desperation

Diet's didn't work,
the weight lurked,
ruled, oppressed.
Overeaters Anonymous?
You've got to be kidding.
People sitting in a circle,
reading, talking,
chanting rituals.
No diets, no reporting,
no plans to follow.
Just talk about insanity,
some higher power,
resentments, fear,
face people harmed.
What changes is life!
Weight loss is a byproduct.

Aim First

A phone call, my stranger,
his friend, a question
in my field. But my friend,
his stranger would be
rebuffed. His wrong,
not his friend's.
My reciprocation makes
my wrong. Phone call
answer given. Contrast
conveyed to him.
A wrong is a wrong
even for a wrong.
Conveying truth,
kindly and directly,
is a right.

Yesterday's Junk

You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk. ~ Louise Smith

There's comfort even in misery.
When you've done it long enough,
it's what you know, natural,
even when odious. Hope springs
and chiseling drops dig deeper, deeper,
trenching.  Insanity demands
repetition of worn-out behaviors,
expecting this time, finally,
to get it right, to convince him,
to prove your worth.

Paradise strikes fear, unworthiness,
discomfort, so new, so different,
so unknown. Seeing Elysian fields
intrigues us, yet approaching them
means agitation, unrest, angst.
Worthy, worthy, worthy.
I hear the truth, dare to trust
it's verity. Paradise distant
may be lovely, but only is mine
when I dare to drop comfort
for the anomaly of grace,
of love.

What if I Don't?

Believe in God? Then you're like lots

of us when we came into the rooms.

It says "God as you understand him."

But you could say, "God as I don't

understand him. Or her." 

What's comfortable for you? Nature?

The universe? A thousand-year-old tree?

You don't have to take anybody's god,

not your parents', the preacher's, mine.

Some people even start by using the group,

the peace, the recovery, the power here.

Heck, you can use the chair you're sitting on --

it's more formidable than you, it's holding you.

Bottom line, find something more powerful

than you and latch on. Just believe there's

some "god" and you're not it.

Pushing the Boundaries

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ T.S. Eliot

I'm here. See my work.
Read my books.
Examine me to depths
of my soul.

I've been here.
I've done good work.
Some read my books,
find them of value,
commend my deep honesty,
my soul.

I'm comfortable here
in my world. I feel tugged
outside, to the world,
to stand up, face to face,
and say, "I'm here.
See my work. Read my books.
Examine me to depths
of my soul." I'm not
comfortable there.

But there, through the fear,
through the self-deprecation,
open to answers I don't want to hear,
is where I must go now.
I'm frightened to depths
of my soul.

The Best Way Out Is Through

A conversation, long overdue,
beyond my control of topic,
breadth. Ubiquitous fear revved,
crushing me, yet I faced it, scorning
deep desires to stuff it down,
to quell emotion. I held my ground,
listening rather than planning
response. I empathized,
understood, accepted as his,
his premise without assuming
imposition of the premise on me.
Recalling my role – to say what I mean,
mean what I say, and don't say
it mean – I answered point by point,
my truth, my premise, my response
and came away enhanced.

Casual Reply

You can talk to God and listen to the casual reply ~ John Denver

What a friend we have,
a pal we talk to, rant at,
dare to dream around,
anticipate time with,
enjoy. Even when comfort
becomes the order of the day
in our chats, we'll always
stand in awe when the
genesis, the omega,
bestows a friendly hug.

Contentment

It is right to be contented with what we have, but never with what we are. ~ James Mackintosh

I really can say with Paul
I've learned to be content
where I am – now.
And things, possessions,
never mattered much
so I craved their power
to please – ever.
I bought today, but less
suited me fine, furnishing
a room for forty bucks,
and an inexpensive heater
to save money.
But contentment eluded me
those years, not from things
but the longing in my soul
for peace – inside.
Sometimes still I'm restless,
irritable, discontented,
yearning for love, for meaning
for excitement.
But when I calm my thoughts,
examine my life, find the fear,
I know the answer's right there,
waiting for me  – to accept.

Forget What They Say!

"Just this little bit – you've done so well,

this can't hurt – I made it special for you."

"It's your birthday! Don't you know?

We want you to celebrate with us, just today." 

"You deserve a treat!"

"But They don't get it. We're different.

We can't do it just this once. We're special!"

The Temple of Forgiveness

The temple of forgiveness is within your heart, if you wish to be free, you must ask God to release the hatred within you. ~ Spiritual Truths @TheGodLight

Temples are for worship,
for serenity, for peace with power.
What can forgiveness have to do
with a temple, much less be one
or have one exclusively?
Forgiveness means a wrong
happened, something that hurts.
Temples and hurt —
polar opposites, ne'er the twain
to meet. But freedom,
precious freedom, the pearl
to be sought, to get by sacrifice,
to sell all else for. First – a must??!! —
let hatred be released – even ASK
to lose the enmity? She doesn't deserve
forgiveness. He must be punished
by my scorn, my derision
forever. But freedom, precious,
the pearl... Worth any price?
Worth giving up my loathing,
my contempt, my hate?
What a price!
What a prize...

Let Us Love You

You fear us, expect rejection,

fear humiliation should you offer trust.

You shut us out to keep us

from shutting you out, to shield

your soul, to preempt pain.

Isolation's the same 

inside out or outside in.

And your premise fails --

at least in these rooms.

We love you at first sight.

Believe it. Realize acceptance.

Feel it. Let us love you

until you can love yourself.

Sending Fear

Please help!
Can you help me by sending me Fear to complete my What Big Teeth You Have quest?
Just click the link to send Fear! (Facebook game request)

Send fear? Why? Send away, oh yeah!
"God, take my fear and show me
what you would have me be,"
like the Big Book says.
But "help me by sending me Fear" —
maybe in a horror story,
maybe at Halloween.
Who could possibly want fear?
Well, maybe a little bit. Maybe to get
that message from God to break through.
Maybe for the joys that come from facing
fear.

Simple, Not Easy

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough. ~ Albert Einstein

Analysis, pretentiousness, statistics
all obfuscate, prevaricate, befog, confuse.
Erudite statements convey no knowledge
except the obnoxiousness of the peacock's
condescension.

Damaged psyches need no belittling yet hear
only the superior attitude, not the words,
no matter how intelligent, how articulate.
We've been lectured, commanded, dominated
long enough.

We come for help, for hope, for life and love.
Understanding, wordless hugs, examples
spoken in first person, shown by deeds
hold profound truth, convey the depths braggarts
only dream of.

Who Am I to Blame?

And if your hours are empty now, who am I to blame ~ lyrics "Goodbye Again" by John Denver

Why didn't I hear this song years ago?
Why didn't I know I wasn't to blame,
couldn't fill his hours, couldn't give him peace,
couldn't make it right. Why didn't I know
the brokenness could only be cobbled
by him? Why couldn't I bolt from the cage?
Countless people told me, years ago,
to leave, that I wasn't broken, to go.
I knew in my heart, years ago,
he never had been, never would be,
comforted by anything I might do.
I knew. I heard the song. But I couldn't
hear.

Let Me Be that Swallow

The Russians say that the first swallow of spring won’t make the weather for the whole season, but it can mark the turn toward a warmer climate. I tried to be that swallow. ~ John Denver

I have something the whole world needs,
or at least a major part. Yet folks
will never hear unless I set the message out
for one and all to see. A Super Bowl ad?
I'm a few million short. A quarter Houston
paper page, three thousand – each!
A single billboard, just one month, 2K.
I can't buy success, can't work hard enough —
there's just one me. All I can do is be willing,
do my best, and let God run all the show.

Amends, Amen

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou 

I shamed you, scorned you, hurled barbed words
because I felt so scorned, so worthless, so wrong.
I meant no harm. How could I? I was thinking
only of myself. You weren't a worthy being,
just someone handy to share my miseries, imposed.

I've found a way to feel loved, worthy, all right.
It feels so good, so right. Too late to take away
the hurt I've done, I shower you with acceptance,
with encouragement, with kind words. I can't change
how you feel about me, just how I treat you. With love.

Dancing Alone

Dance with the one that brung you
and you dance alone. (misheard song lyric)

I got here all by myself,
doing just fine – for the most part.
I'm respected, admired.
I keep people laughing,
the life of the party.
Just a little advice, guidance
in the addiction, but for the rest
I'll dance the dance I know.

I sit here among you, see love
but dismiss it in case it comes
with strings. I sit here lonely
longing to feel the love, to share —
if I give up control, you say,
it would be mine. I dance alone,
then, now. I don't have to?
Could I dance with you?

But I'm Not a Hammer

To a hammer, everything is a nail. ~ Ron Denham

I know how this works.
You just need to do it this way
since I've discovered the solution.
Who cares if you started
from a different place?
What difference does it make
if what you want
is not what I desire?
I know how to do this,
and I'll show you.
Here, let me do it for you.
Where are you going?
Come back!
You're welcome here,
welcome home!
Why didn't she stay!!!?

Where Was I When I Needed Me?

Feelings, fears, insecurity tormented me
constantly, paralyzing me. I craved power,
control, at least a foot in and found it,
I thought, in comfort induced, in food
like loving arms cradling me, soothing me,
assuring me. Enfolded in pastries, I gazed
dully as the world moved around me.
Sedated, drugged by surfeit, I couldn't move,
didn't care. What once comforted
turned on me, mocked me, belittled me
as it proliferated my flesh, locking me in,
denying power – out of control. As life
trekked by, kicking dirt in my face,
numbed feelings couldn't bar the pain.
I needed help, the me that used to be,
but she no longer was. Then, when I knew
I couldn't do anything, a hand reached out,
then more and more, pulling me up,
hugging me, loving me
until I could love myself.
Then I know, I couldn't be there for me,
but I could be for others, and powerlessness
allowed me to soar.

Solitude

Lonely oppresses
gripping my heart
choking my breath
pushing me back
to blank
to empty
to worthless
self-loathing
doubt.
Lonely and solitude
share nothing
nothing connecting
only the hope
that step by step
I recover from lonely —
I reach solitude.

Fog

The fog comes on little cat feet. ~ Carl Sandburg

Earth and sky meld as fog swallows
the mountain. Evening-slanted light
turns roads to haunted forest paths,
draping the next curve, the markings,
in chiffon. Cars creep through patches
like meringue as drivers scan for wildlife.
Fear cannot quail trust the road continues,
faith in pavement extending past sight.
To fail to advance means danger,
more than creeping on, for others forge ahead,
following, straining to see, discerning the course.
Life's fogs call for caution, care in choosing,
need to question where the path lies —
but faith in guidance, in Power,
means moving through, inching on,
the next right move, the next right step,
sight unseen, in trust.

Absolute Knowledge

The list of things which we absolutely know is not a long one, and we have not the luck to add a fresh one to it often, but I recognized that I had added one to mine this day. I knew, now, that it isn't safe to sit in judgment upon another person's illusion when you are not on the inside. While you are thinking it is a dream, he may be knowing it is a planet. ~ Mark Twain

"I know." My quick answer brings a grin
to the sage woman's eyes. Mostly it's true,
but it's head knowledge, cerebral, not applied.
She nudges me wisely, and I cut her off
with the right words, but she knows.
She knows my head knows, but sees through
the bravado. Knows my heart quails
at the thought, shies away from action
of the internal, transformative type. I heal,
become whole, as I risk past head knowing,
as I find utter truths, cleansing complete,
as absolute knowledge takes root.

Sponsorship

Spring, 1970, a critique from a kid,
8th grader, spoke Tex-Mex at home
and I'd tried to teach him Spanish II.
I'd aimed to start tough, in charge,
the teacher, the leader — but failed
miserably at first, then learned.
"I'd hate to have you next year."
What a compliment! A teacher
should pilot, steer, not grab the tail
yelling stop, turn, I'm in charge!
A teacher's not there as a chum.
Pleasing people isn't my job
when I've been asked to guide.
Loving, nurturing, shepherding,
but not pleasing.

Remembering

I never ever want back
in the hell at the end, the bottom
of the barrel. But you know,
there was a time, back before,
when life seemed grand,
when freedom and happiness
reigned, my actions led to
serenity washing over me, to peace.
I could fix anything for anybody,
never felt useless, never pitied myself,
feared nothing at all. Nothing baffled me.

I'd go back there if I could,
but I'm not blind. I know the hell came
from what I perceived as heaven.
I'm halfway through these steps,
and I think what I'm looking for
really might come true - and last!

Out There...

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. ~ Neale Donald Walsch

Stretching the boundary,
hoping comfort acts like
balloon rubber, loosens,
adjusts, accepts as normal
what was way past.
Walking into fear, inexplicable,
irrational, yet real, potent,
robust. Inexplicable because
irrational. I know that.
Beyond a reasonable doubt.
So I walk into life
at the end of my comfort zone.

Enemies

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something in your life. ~ Winston Churchill

I don't want enemies
but what matters most
is that nobody's mine,
that the hatred, resentment,
anger, energy's not mine.
I don't want enemies
but it's not my concern.
I'm protected from contagious
hatred, from succumbing
to your spider's web
of manipulation.
I choose not to play,
and what you think of me
is none of my business.

Our Favorite Sins

It's always your favorite sins
that do you in. ~ (Matraca Berg and Deana Carter, 
lyrics of "You and Tequila" sung by Kenny Chesney)

Oh, yes! I'm entirely ready —
take away my defects of character!
Here, this one! And that. And oh, yes,
the other. Yes, I'm fully prepared
for You to take them.

My shortcomings, I'm afraid, will make
a piddly pile. I simply don't have the bounty
of most my colleagues. And these few
are only lightly used, you'll see. But yes,
you're welcome to them all, the paltry pittance.

What do you mean, there's more?
I beg to differ, that's the lot!
What? Arrogance? Not me!
My comments, my advice are my gift,
my service to my fellows less pure.
You couldn't deprive them, could you?
Who would guide their recovery,
how would they find their own?
You want me to have what would benefit,
what would be useful to you and my fellows!
I'd give up anything that stands in the way,
but you can't want that!

Q.E.D.

Q.E.D. is an initialism of the Latin phrase quod erat demonstrandum, which translates as "which was to be demonstrated." The phrase is traditionally placed in its abbreviated form at the end of a mathematical proof or philosophical argument when what was specified in the enunciation — and in the setting-out — has been exactly restated as the conclusion of the demonstration. The abbreviation thus signals the completion of the proof. (Wikipedia)

Step 1 - "Admitted we were powerless
over alcohol – that our lives had become
unmanageable." Or food, drugs, gambling,
the list goes on. The first's a given,
most the time, or you couldn't have brought us
kicking and screaming through these doors.
The second? Our whole lives? Of course not!
Look at us. You'll find educated, intelligent,
successful folk, for the most part, and others were —
except for that one problem that eclipsed the rest.
Still, it's just the one thing, the addiction.

So we start, amid wise veterans who accept us,
nod wisely, then chip away, never criticizing,
just describing how they had such an issue,
like ours, and it went away when...
They prod us through the steps, guiding,
not telling, until we find ourselves tethered
like sheep by faith in a shepherd until we see past
the person to the Power they trail. As we slough off
baggage, even inadequate gods, like pioneers
lightening the load – as we grow, trust and faith
in our own pioneering picture of Power grants
confidence, purpose. We reach a peak
beyond any hopes or dreams of the past,
seeing more beyond, more glorious yet.
Looking back, we see shattered shreds
of unmanageable lives, replaced by a Manager,
magnificent and intimate. And we see.
Q.E.D.

Open-Hand Slap in the Face

I wonder if we either hear what we hear to meet a need (something fitting an insecurity), or (if we are clear and willing), hear what can help heal us. It's a slap in the face, then, if we will receive it, as well as an open hand, offered to help. ~ Maureen Gibbons, M.D.

Reading the same devotional books
year after year, time after time —
how do the messages seem brand new?
This morning, For Today,
yesterday's goal reached, the pinnacle —
but looking up from the top, beyond
goes on and up. More lessons await,
those for today. Let me be clear, willing,
but if You need my attention,
feel free to slap my face to lift me
beyond dreams, beyond the best.

Fish Up a Tree

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. ~ Albert Einstein

I've always known I'm smart.
Empirical evidence doesn't lie.
I've always known I was stupid.
Feelings, emotions, guilt,
inferiority complexes —
they all lie!