Don'y Be Sorry, Don't Do It.

Sixty years ago?
Something like that.
I messed up,
said I was sorry.
Thought that was proper.
Daddy thought not,
it wasn't enough.
"Don't be sorry, don't do it."
I think just like that,
no exclamation point,
no raised voice.
Just, "Don't be sorry, don't do it."
Br careful. live right,
follow the rules.
Avoid remorse, apologies.
"Don't be sorry, don't do it."

Fat Albert Remade

Hey, hey, hey. My name is Albert
and I'm a compulsive overeater.
I've been in program eighteen months,
and I've surrendered two hundred pounds.
I also lost the defacto first name of "Fat."
I'm still jolly and lead the junkyard band,
and I'm still a leader, but I'm different,
inside and out and have learned
I can be the real me, so even the jolly part is truth!

The Big Book

In the 1930's the universe tilted
though only slightly at the time.
A drunk named Bill sobered up
with the help of a surprisingly sober friend
and a doctor long-familiar with Bill.
He happened to travel from New York City
to Akron, Ohio, for an ill-fated business deal
and was marooned there short on funds,
and shaky for lack of his old fix-all.

Clinging to sobriety
he sought drunks to talk to, finding one.
And then there were two sober drunks.
One by one they acquire more until at last
they neared a hundred.
Know as the Drunk Squad of the Oxford Group,
they knew thousands of drunks needed their prize
but that a hundred men could never see them all.
A book was the answer, their way of meeting with many more.
They wrote the book, called it Alcoholics Anonymous
and, naming themselves for the book,
they set out and changed not just drunks
but the whole world!

Lessons from Relationships

Some relationships trigger healing in us—healing from issues of the past or an issue we’re facing today. Sometimes we find ourselves learning the most important lessons from the people we least expect to help us. Relationships may teach us about loving ourselves or someone else. Or maybe we’ll learn to let others love us. ~ Beattie, Melody. The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series (p. 323). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Maybe in a relationship
you can teach me to let you love me.
Or to let other people love me.
Unlikely friends. A woman
whose mind no longer grasps the real.
But lessons learned assure me
if she could love me I'm worth the stretch
to let me love myself.
Unlikely friends. A woman born
eight time zones away. Similar educations
but opposite lives. A language barrier
when both speak English.
If she can love me but hate my drawl,
I can love me and deal with speech issues
newly acquired and unpleasant to acknowledge.
A woman sixteen years my senior
when I feel old, worn out, used up
but she helps me understand
that physical problems
leave plenty of assets to love.
Relationships may teach us
about loving ourselves
and I've learned to.

The People Next Door

 Those folk at the crack of dawn
are in the conference room
next to our office
come in grinning, hugging,
seeming so glad to see everyone,
even when the introduce themselves.
They circle up, start a formal meeting
exactly on the hour. They read
and talk, laugh and sometimes cry
then, an hour gone, circle up,
do some kind of chant and start the hugs
once more. A sign labels them
as Overeaters Anonymous
but they're every size and shape.
Sometimes I want to go in
if only for the love.

 

Unexamined Life

The unexamined life is not worth living.  ~ Plato

I react, follow, resent, swallow objections.
But that is holding on to old ways,
ingrained patterns. And another word (phrase)
for ingrained patterns is character defect.
In Step Six, I became entirely ready
to have God remove all these defects of character.
Then in Step Seven I humbly asked Him
to remove our shortcomings.
If they have been removed, opposites replace them.
Have I begun to acting rather than react?
Have I learned to take the lead
when to follow is not best choice?
Do I still resent when I should find happiness?
Do I state my objection or still swallow it?
Have I examined my life?
Do I believe an unexamined life is not worth living?
Or do I know that but chicken out
and hold tight to my character defects?

The Lonely Dance

Celebrate the miracle of transformation in your life—whatever you’re trying to become, do, or learn. Let it happen as quickly, or as slowly, as it needs. ~ Beattie, Melody. More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations (p. 346).

Let yourself dance, alone if need be,
with family and friends as it comes...
Let yourself dance when your life,
once unmanageable and leaving your powerless
begins to change, inches toward joy,
hints of  serenity to come.
Let yourself dance and feel the good that comes.

Not My Job

Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain. ~ Psalm 127:1a

I don't manage the world, direct the play...
Once that was my job, but no longer.
Well, really it never was. I was powerless,
my life unmanageable, much less the world.
But the world can be managed to my liking,
all my needs met, my dreams fulfilled.
I did some preparation, working on me,
cleaning my house, releasing my wrongs,
making amends. But I turned control over
to a Power far greater than I, offering the Power
myself to use in building or however I was needed.
Then daily, I report for duty, surrendering,
"Not my will but Yours," and what is best for me,
sometimes what I wished for,
sometimes far better, comes to pass.

A Solemn Oath

 Yes, the old requirement about the priesthood was set aside because it was weak and useless. For the law never made anything perfect. But now we have confidence in a better hope, through which we draw near to God.
This new system was established with a solemn oath. Aaron’s descendants became priests without such an oath, but there was an oath regarding Jesus. For God said to him,
“The Lord has taken an oath and will not break his vow:
‘You are a priest forever.’” ~ Hebrews 7:18-21 (NLT)

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 Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums – we could increase the list ad infinitum. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 31

A solemn oath
is a solemn oath
but some are useless,
others eternal.
I swore I would but I didn’t.
I swore I could but I couldn’t.
Rules and laws never made perfect,
but hope exists,
hope with a new system,
established by one
who can keep a solemn oath,
made by one
who never breaks his vow,
a hope,
a promise forever.

God, my will’s useless,
abused, maimed, denigrated.
I give it to you
gladly.

Rollins, Barbara; OAStepper,
A Cloud of Witnesses -
Two Big Books and Us
(Kindle Locations 10er-1067).

On Rising

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 1298-1300).

 

I know what I need to do "on awakening."
I get it, understand the importance.
I have gone years ignoring Step Eleven.
I won't anymore. But one thing first, HP.
may I first surrender my habits, my practices.
I want to be willing, I want to do this right.
But help me, HP. I find I can't stop yawning.

What Is a Power Greater than You?

Fear can become a power greater than myself. ~ Family Groups, Al-Anon. Courage to Change—One Day at a Time in Al‑Anon II (Kindle Locations 3916-3917). 

An old alcoholic known far and wide as "Barefoot"
called his Higher Power "Charlie, My Very Best Friend"
and once said, "I have found well over 10,000 positive names
that people around the world have used to address their Higher Power."
A name I have used is "Demiurge" defined as "a being
responsible for the creation of the universe" and associated
with Plato and gnosticism. I have heard GUS (Guy UpStairs)
and Harold (Harold be thy name.)
Step Two says we came to believe a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity, and we are free to set the job description
for our own Higher Power. 
There are no don'ts in the step but we should consider the should nots.
Food doesn't work... we've tried that. Substituting another
dangerous habit is not advisable. Fear may well be a power
that fits the description, but no better choice than sugar, drugs,
alcohol or other people. Choose and name your own Higher Power
but be sure this Power is one to whom you can surrender control.

Not My Food

I have a food plan, and when I eat it,
that's my food...but it's mine without eating it, too.
My food doesn't make me reach for the Tums®,
doesn't block my emotions, make me near-comatose,
cause mood swings like anger, sadness, distress,
trigger disappointment, betrayal, binge eating
for days, weeks, months, years to come.
My food nourishes my body and results
in my moving toward or maintaining
a healthy body weight.
My food is good for me, a gift from God,
and the other stuff is NOT my food.
We begin today months of being surrounded
by NOT MY FOOD. I thank my Higher Power
for keeping me supplied with MY FOOD
from now through February 14th
and giving me strength to avoid NOT MY FOOD.

None of My Business

I am learning to let go of my certainty about what other people should do. ~ Family Groups, Al-Anon. Courage to Change—One Day at a Time in Al‑Anon II (Kindle Location 3892).

I know the rules.
I've seen a shirt proclaiming,
"I'm Silently Correcting Your Grammar"
and would buy it if I weren't positive
others would question the "silently."
I listen to news broadcasts
and critique not merely grammar
but concepts of law, statements of "fact."
I welcome the opportunity to share
my opinion, to explain it's better than yours,
but I know something else...
what you think is none of my business,
my opinion about what you should do is mine...
I need not share it with you!
Recovery is changing me.
I am learning to let go of my certainty
about what other people should do.

Make Me a Laughing Fool

      It is better to heed a wise manʼs rebuke
than to listen to the song of fools.Like the crackling of thorns under the pot,
so is the laughter of fools.
This too is meaningless. (Ecclesiastes 7:5-6 NIV)

 

Crackling thorns under a pot.
Laughter of fools.
Who’s the fool? Isn’t it the one not
taking delight in the crackling and the
laughter?
But joy comes too in words that sting
for the sting comes from truth.
Truth, no matter how painful,
yields joy like the crackling of thorns
under the pot.

 

God, give us joy when we see
the meaningless
parts of life,
when sounds, sights, smells
give little pleasures.
Make me a laughing fool,
at least part of the time.

Barbara B. Rollins. A Time
for Verse - Poetic Ponderings
on Ecclesiastes

So We May Fear Less

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less. ~ Marie Curie

Fear is not necessary.
It has played a large role
in our lives, but the Big Book
has it right: This short word
somehow touches about every aspect of our lives.
It was an evil and corroding thread;
the fabric of our existence was shot through with it.
It set in motion trains of circumstances
which brought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve.
But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling?
Thinking about fear, We reviewed our fears thoroughly.
We put them on paper.... We asked ourselves why we had them.
Wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us?
The answer was to release fear, to surrender:
We ask Him to remove our fear
and direct our attention
to what He would have us be.
At once, we commence to outgrow fear.
It's true, "Now is the time to understand more,
so that we may fear less."

The Miracle Is Enough

Scripture foresaw that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, and announced the gospel in advance to Abraham: “All nations will be blessed through you.” So those who rely on faith are blessed along with Abraham, the man of faith. ~ Galaians 3:8-9 (Phillips New Testament)

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We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 46.

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We, the intelligent,
the educated,
the leaders don't understand,
cannot make sense
of that which we know to be true.
We want to lead, to explain,
to interpret
the mystery that happened to us.
We understand
we've been here,
you're new
and you have questions
needing answers.
We can say, "It works!
The miracle happened,
is happening in our lives."
But to say more,
to give you resolution,
you'll just have to accept...
We can tell you it works,
that it did for us,
but just accept, believe.
and feel the miracle!

God, thank you for the change
we welcome,
forgive our
impulse to demand
understanding as well. 

As It Should Be

Our past is neither an accident nor a mistake. We have been where we needed to be, with the necessary people. We can embrace our history, with its pain, its imperfections, its mistakes, even its tragedies. It is uniquely ours; it was intended just for us. ~ Melody Beattie. The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series (pp. 310-311).

My past made me what I am...
and what I was before Recovery.
I recall a teacher whose truthful words
humiliated me outside my fourth grade classroom
and an even greater humiliation
in a coach's words, my height and weight,
publicly stated before my eighth-grade peers.
I recall none of the available band uniforms
would fit me. I recall my inability to reach
the weight intended, the necessity
of Mother's enlarging my wedding dress.
I recall the scales' silent scream
of THREE HUNDRED POUNDS
in the spring of 1998.
My past is neither an accident nor a mistake.
I have been whereI needed to be,
with the necessary people.
I can embrace my history.
It's who I am and my story to share.

For Myself

For myself: I am powerless over food. No matter how much I wish to control my eating, I cannot. I am a compulsive overeater, no matter what my mind may have to say on the matter. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, For Today (Kindle Locations 2873-2874). 

I can live Recovery in public
but there's a hidden me who emerges
usually tagging along with fear,
fury, insecurity, self-doubt...
Yes, I can say the right things,
live Recovery in public.
but I know the private me,
how easy it is to act the part in public
but slip and slide in private.
So this poem is for me...
I am powerless over food.
No matter how much I wish
to control my eating, I cannot.
I am a compulsive overeater,
no matter what my mind
may have to say on the matter.

You Have a Phone Number

If you can tell me your sponsor's name
but not the last time you telephoned,
texted, emailed, met to talk,
communicated...you don't really have a sponsor.
You have a phone number!
If you agreed to sponsor
and set no expectations,
did not do what you said you would do,
did not giggle the bounds,
you don't have a sponsee,
just a name and you're not giving service
if you don't establish times for exchanges
any following through.

Anxiety Is Not Caring

I pray that I may be rid of the anxiety which I have equated in my mind with really caring about people. ~ Quoted from the app A Day at a Time, Hazelden.

Living or working with an addict "in his cups"
as the old AA folk described it
(a descriptor for heavy drinking
as old as the Apocrypha) although
the self-numbing applies to
many substances and addictions...
Living or working with an active addict
can make you cringe nearly constantly,
live trembling, fear speaking,
try to keep from irritating him,
try to calm or placate him,
but that is not really caring about him,
no matter whether love is involved.
To really aid the addict,
find your own Recovery and live in it!