Friday, August 19, 2011

The Greatest Creation

Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have – the key to life and happiness for others. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 124) 

Humiliation, shame, rage —
hurling dung on the hopes of family,
treacherous dealing with friends,
debauchery, self-contempt.
My pain, my agony, my hopelessness.
Talk about magic, about being born again.
How deep is God's grace to go so far
in rescuing me as to give such scum value,
but even more, to make it priceless! 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Walkers of the Path

Others walked first
before; some still walking.
Others moved on
crowned with glory,
honor.
Some walk with us,
share the pain,
speak some truth
just what we need here,
now.
Others follow where we lead
even when we feel we’re bumbling,
stumbling, needing leading,
but we lead
hopefully in the right
direction.

Thanks, God, for the folks around,
for choosing the right ones
to lead us, to walk with us,
and to teach us with our own
words when they seek our
help.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Wasted Words


The LORD was with Samuel as he grew up, and he let none of Samuel’s words fall to the ground. (1 Samuel 3:19 NIV)
Words fall to the ground,
those meant for me to hear,
left to languish, wither, die.
I sit, planning my own words
as others speak, leaving wasted
words I should have heard.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Hope from Hurt

A scar is a healing. After an injury, a scar is what makes you whole."– China Miéville
A scar makes you whole
like a life of miserable addiction
makes you a mentor to others
following the path. A scar
heals, more substantial than before,
a reminder, a memento,
like an amulet holding hope
of promised mojo,
moxie made substance.

Scars come from hurt.
If we can hold to conviction
of HP wanting good,
bringing rectitude when we trust,
injury can be welcome.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Barriers

And when the barriers don't give way with a gentle push, we should consider it a clue that we are off course. (Each Day a New Beginning, Aug. 13)
I've never much liked
the program motto,
"Easy does it." Simplistic,
not too realistic, just silly.

Aw, but barriers. Lovable.
Simple barriers, clear, defined.
What pride to conquer them,
what progress to delineate
their extent, calculate a course
to circumvent them, pass them.

Should barriers be simple
meaning flimsy, insubstantial?
Is that really the test? If easy does it
pushing past a barrier means
the path is God's, not mine,
and he's running the traps
ahead of me... How easy is
that?

Saturday, August 13, 2011

In Witness Whereof


Sign the bottom line, commit yourself.
End equivocation, dare to stand
for you, for your life, for peace and hope.
Pledge your life, your liberty, your sacred
honor. Only by daring to lose do we begin
to win a life beyond our wildest dreams.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Grounded

Bed was welcome, sleep instantaneous,
warnings the air mattress might leak irrelevant.
Offers to clear my things from the surface
dismissed with "I sleep with electronics
covering the bed." Caution they'd be on top
intrigued. Who would anticipate that/?

Refreshed, I woke wrapped in mattress,
bedding, computer nudging me to write.
The morning wrapped its arms around,
welcoming me to life, to love, to possibility.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

What Illuminates Your Soul?

Funny. I come to bed tomorrow,
ready to collapse but haven't readied
"tomorrow's" post. I scan through to find
drafts, ideas saved for rumination,
thoughts to finish.
"What Illuminates Your Soul?"
just a question, a title, no more —
some thought from some tidbit
saved here since May.
What did it mean then?
I don't know, just a phrase pulling me,
somewhere I needed to wander.
Today it takes me back
from the last few hours'
revising websites, struggling
with technology. Instead,
I relive lunch with Becky
and authors Sioux Roslawski
and Linda O'Connell,
then meeting Justo Herrera.
It reminds me of a story Linda shared,
and brings me back to truth
both that my soul is illuminated
and that working to serve
my best purpose on Earth
is what reveals the light.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Human Cravings

Your cravings as a human animal do not become a prayer just because it is God whom you must ask to attend to them. (Dag Hammarskjöld)
God's not there to do my bidding.
I'm here to do God's bidding.
I don't have to give in to cravings, to urges.
I can seek his will —
which has nothing to do with my yens —
and the power to carry that out.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Gratitude and Hope

The more we find fault with life, the more fault we are guaranteed to find. Negative attitudes attract negative experiences.... (Karen Casey, Each Day a New Beginning, August 8)
Compulsive overeating
and hope
are not compatible.
Sour thoughts
and joy
don't cohabitate.
Each day is its own
odyssey
or tribulation.
I choose 600 miles
of joy.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Odyssey

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)
I have lessons to learn,
growth to experience.
I'd rather know what lessons,
guide the growth. I cannot.
I set out, ready to learn,
ready to grow, ready to drive
thousands of miles,
not alone, just nobody else
visible. Only voices
on the radio,
in the iPod,
in my head.
And you, my friends,
my cloud of witnesses.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Honest!

I don't stay honest 'cause I am  honest... I have to just act honest. I'm not kind. I just act kind. (Peggy M.)
I have the trappings of a great life,
but I'm in it. And I can screw it up
just by doing what comes naturally.
I know I'm a fake, that I can't do
any of this stuff, but I also know
how it works, how all I need do
is get out of the way,
hand over the reins,
let God run the show,
and obey.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

At the Door


One foot in the room,
I stare at recovery,
at peace, longing for
joy lighting their faces. 
I haven't done so badly —
self-sufficient, quick, 
able to talk out of scraps.
"Half measures" they call it 
like they can read my mind.
Surrender they ask for, 
to some nebulous god.
If I slough off my old life,
what have I lost? 
Okay. I turn my back on 
crushed dreams,
step forward, 
willing for the door 
to close
me in.

Friday, August 5, 2011

A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us

This blog was begun as a way to build a following potentially for the book A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us  by Barbara B. Rollins with OAStepper. For three months virtually every day there's been the promised "tad of poetry every day, recovery on the go." The book is nearing completion. The publication date shows to be August 6, 2011, but it won't happen any more than The Harsh and The Heart made it's July 4th appearance date. (August 6 is a significant day for a major player in my own Cloud of Witnesses.) But the book will come soon. Here's a taste of what it will be like.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Keeping Up Appearances

Outward appearances are not inward reality at all. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 48)
Actors, all, we've disguised
the pain, played the role,
lied until we believed the script —
almost. Not quite, not completely.

We bought in to others' acts,
assumed only we didn't fit our skin,
didn't belong, weren't worthy.
Then we found honesty, found our fellows,
found the truth. Then we saw the beauty,
looking past facade to essence.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Prayer Is Not Logical

Logic is great stuff. We liked it. We still like it. It is not by chance we were given the power to reason, to examine the evidence of our senses, and to draw conclusions. That is one of man's magnificent attributes. We agnostically inclined would not feel satisfied with a proposal which does not lend itself to reasonable approach and interpretation. Hence we are at pains to tell why we think our present faith is reasonable, why we think it more sane and logical to believe than not to believe, why we say our former thinking was soft and mushy when we threw up our hands in doubt and said, "We don't know." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 53)
Sam Paisley Richards was a faith healer,
born as Shiloh's guns echoed, as his mother
worried then grieved for her brother
Sam Paisley Ray, and memorialized his death
with Sam. Does it make sense Sam could heal a mule —
by telephone, no less? No.

                                          Can I argue my own faith
measurable by logic? Reasonable? Nope.
Instead, I horde it, protect it, refuse to describe it
unless you'll understand. Sure, I'm analytical enough
to know I can't discern if you'll accept it, amply practical
to grasp that means it remains interred.

Common sense belies effect of influence
on omnipotence, on omniscience. Sanity says God
was busy with other issues. Even in the Great Depression
with New Deal telephones, the mule would have been
distraction. Still, Sam asked God to heal the mule,
to staunch the blood. And watches on both ends
of the line confirmed God's grace came
at the speed of that sound.

                                          Prayer is not logical,
rational, explainable. Prayer just is. So, is it reasonable
to think great-granddaddy Richards passed the gift
by blood? Did that blood staunch or flow?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Feeling the Feelings

There is evidence of a correlation between how much one can feel and how one can heal. (Rebuilding, page 54)
How long ago since I last answered the question
"How do you feel about blank" with his name,
his attitude? A while, but not long enough.
I'm feeling these days. Sometimes guilty,
sometimes lonely, sometimes bored,
sometimes filled with the anticipation
for the project, can't wait to find the hammer
so I can start, so I can create. Then the pieces
weren't there, built-in wait, readymade frustration —
do I go to the office building at bedtime,
carrying boxes from an empty building
to a waiting car, inviting people to believe
they might be valuable to somebody but me?
And I'd have felt bereft, I would have grieved
to lose the images of great-great-great-grands,
to let my history vanish. I'd have felt more feelings
than any poor snook who took my treasure
to find absolutely no value. Me? I've found
a cache of gold. I've found my feelings.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Group Conscience

I also enjoy debate more than I ever believed I would now that I am in recovery and don't have my self-worth invested in the outcome. I love a good conversation more than anything, which includes emails. So when you read my emails, no matter the topic, I am probably bouncing up and down in my seat with a goofy grin on my face because I have grown to love that as part of the process of the group conscience. (quote from an email)
A camel evolving from a committee
assembling a horse? Not here.
Why does group conscience work
in recovery and not in "real" life?
Could it be we learn to really listen?
How about a habit of truth telling,
an attitude of acceptance of our fellows?
When we've faced internal demons,
found a way to sanity,
why would we defend positions
that fade into insignificance
in the broader scheme?

Sunday, July 31, 2011

However Useless

However useless or destructive the old may be, it is given up with difficulty. (For Today, page 211)
The old can be pretty darned destructive.
Why would you cling on, chug on, hope on
when it's like sitting in the bottom of a Dumpster?
Face-saving? Other-rescuing? Refusing defeat.
The old has nothing I want, my needs demand STOP!
The old is past. I'm moving on. God help me
when I drag the old with me...

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Dependency

He who is being carried does not realize how far the town is. (Nigerian proverb) 
Dependency is soft and cushy and makes it unnecessary for me to know how far the town is. (For Today, page 209)
Little girls should be seen, not heard.
Women, obey your husbands.
A woman's place is in the house.
Born to serve.
Live to please. 
Wife for life.
Who needs to have an opinion 
when you've got your man?
Slippers, cold beer, newspaper. 
Which would you like me 
to fetch you first, dear?
Woman in her greatest perfection 
was made to serve and obey man.
She respects him, obeys his commands, 
has no wishes of her own, 
no ill-feeling, no resentment, 
and always tries to make him happy.
For she must be in subjection to man 
(of whom she has taken her origin), 
as well in habit as in service.
Choose a profession - teaching or nursing -
so you can move 
where your husband's job requires.

Sure, rules have changed. Sort of.
But I got the old edition, 
the '50s Donna-Reed-perfect-wife variety.
I can't say it was cushy, living that way.
But the art of decision-making
certainly atrophied. 

I am responsible for me. 
For accepting my despicable actions,
disdaining attitudes. For admitting
the true nature of my acts. For releasing
character defects. For righting wrongs.
For the next right step.
God help me!
God, help me?