Through a Glass Darkly

Little acts of kindness,
so easy, so natural.
Clean glasses light places
that didn't seem dark.
Holding onto the coffee cup
kept it still (didn't stop noise
from pulling the plastic lid)
but in a loving room, so what?
A phone call, a thanks on Facebook,
concern fron a cold-call salesman...
My day was better today because you
took a moment to care.

Unashamed

Ought to, should, what will people think?
I tried, earnestly, doggedly, determined
for years on end, and even when I caught most 
of the oughts, did lots of the shoulds,
played the role to please the crowds,
shame dogged me, hounded me, howled
my deficits though only I could hear.
Then I admitted insanity and found Power
to change me, to accept me, to stand
here before you and continue my life,
but changed, unashamed.

God's Desire

All God desires is for you to allow Him to guide you and to lead you. He knows what lies ahead and will redirect your path to save you from heartache and a life of regret. Let Him reign in your life. What are you waiting for? ~ Spiritually Single (Unevenly Yoked)

God wants to guide me.
You know what picture that evokes?
Right now I'm injured, obviously,
and when I insist on fending for myself
and see the faces of friends – and strangers —
longing, yearning to take over, to zip my purse,
unlock a door, carry things... normal stuff...
it would be so much easier, more comfortable
for them were I not obstinate. But God?
Is he in that line of folk? Not so obvious,
not so visbly distraught, but even greater longing?
It's just so hard to admit weakness, to accept aid.
But he's been there longer, stood by more patiently
when all but he believed me adequate,
when only he and I knew I was a fake,
pretending competence. He's been there,
ready seamlessly to take the helm,
control the roiling ship, to set the course
and stay the course. What am I waiting for?

OAStepper's 299th Blog Entry

OAStepper has been blogging since September, 2007 and in her blog you'll find drafts of parts of Slender Steps to Sanity, A Cloud of Witnesses, and a new work on Galatians. This is her 299th post, published Thursday. www.oastepper.blogspot.com

Galatians 2:13

As a result, other Jewish Christians followed Peter’s hypocrisy, and even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy. (NLT)

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I fancied myself a leader, for had not the men of my battery given me a special token of appreciation? My talent for leadership, I imagined, would place me at the head of vast enterprises which I would manage with the utmost assurance. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 1)

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Managing with the utmost assurance —

yep, rings true, I've been there.

Peter, simple fisherman transformed 

to key carrier, not just for a meeting

but to the kingdom all in a few short years.

How fearful he must have been,

how often. 

Do I need a report from his POV?

No. No need to take his inventory,

just mine.

When I find myself a leader

by vote of peers or default, 

my responsibility lies not

in keeping waters calm

but in being qualified to lead,

allowing that to come from 

a power far greater than I, 

and seeking daily the power's directive

and
the will and courage
to lead there.

God, I offer myself.
While I'd prefer anonymity,
I'm willing to yield
to your plan.

With Power Backing

You forget that you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself. To duplicate, with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor. (Alcoholics Anonymous, Kindle Locations 2043-2044)

Duplicating those early pioneers,
alcoholics before they were anonymous,
while still the drunk squad of the Oxford Group...
more than a hundred after starting from scratch
less than five years before, recovered from hopeless
in mind and body. Knowing, sharing precisely how!
Not "keep coming back," not ninety in ninety,
but a remedy for tens of times more, thousands
that became fifteen thousand times more
in sixteen years. And I've got that resource,
that power, that book. Then all I need is that triad:
Willingness. Patience. Labor.

Free Power

When I enter your presence
suddenly I'm drained of power,
impotent, a first grader trembling
in the principal's office.
That's not my nature!
I'm confident,
bold, can assert myself when I try,
but not with you.

It's an old pattern,
I've seen it before,
always with women...
my mother first,
then women I know he
has found attractive.
It's my power, though,
not yours. And you can't have it
unless I surrender it, give it up,
choose to yield,
 to get back into a role
I know...a role I hate.
So, the rules have changed.
It's MY power and I'm keeping it.
You go get
your own.

Life Defies Logic

Logic is all very well for the world’s business, but it has little to do with living. Life defies logic. Figuring-out has no place in growth. ~ For Today (Kindle Location 730)

But figuring out is what I do!
Logic is my nature. Analytical
is I. Analytical is me? I am Analytical,
it’s  an object complement, needs
a first person pronoun:
Analytical is I. And it doesn’t matter.
I’m not here to analyze or reason.
I’m here to seek God’s will
and the power to carry it out.
And how to avoid ending
sentences with prepositions?

Forgiving, Defined

The definition of forgiving is, “I give up my right to hurt you for hurting me.” ~ Vernetta Howell

I can make you hurt,
but why? In hurting you,
I don’t pass it on,
don’t relieve myself
of earlier hurt. In fact.
guilt kicks in, no matter
how I feel you may have
sought out conflict,
dished out more – and harsher —
than I could give. I still hurt,
and ache that I have stooped
to payback, to vendetta.
Forgiving feels right,
appropriate, with just a pinch
of better than, but right
and appropriate overcome,
and I march forward to living.

Equal Time

I became as compulsive about A.A. as I had been about drinking, which was necessary because I had been told to spend as much time at meetings as I had spent drinking. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, page 396)

Elsewhere the book says,
"What an order! I can't go through with it."
And probably I can't, at least for my worst
binging days. A position in my head, in my nerves,
in my heart – and car – as significant as food's grip...
A commitment to recovery as ironclad as determination
to ease the craving, to sate the passion for cloying goo?
God, give me that purity of purpose, that depth of passion
for recovery, for grace, for promises effectuated.

Pretty Much Perfect

When a United Methodist pastor is ordained, he or she is examined on these topics:

• Have you faith in Christ?
• Are you going on to perfection?
• Do you expect to be made perfect in love in this life?
• Are you earnestly striving after it? ~ Pastor Aaron

Perfection's not variegated, doesn't come in shades
like this or that, yes or no, black or white.
Perfection's beyond my pay grade, unattainable
with all my resources, with eons to reach it,
pouring all my soul into the chase. Yet our text says,
"We can be alone at perfect peace and ease."
How that can be has nothing to do with my work,
my striving. It's a gift of grace, unmerited, unearned...
a pretty much perfect gift.

Will You Give Up Your Power?

Willpower, finely honed through years of wear

against compulsion, against behaviors relegated
to private moments, hidden from sight, secret
obsessions. Willpower, threadbare, exhausted,
torpid, inert, deceased. These truths resonate, define
not just my life but my resolve.... Why, then, do I balk
when asked to give it up, to own this truth?
Is this not bondage, this slavery to my paltry efforts,
my habiliments of sanity? I say it, mostly mean it,
want to offer self to God. But the question resonates
through my head, over and over, louder and clearer.
But when will you give up your power? 
When can I accept?

Worse than Sticks and Stones

Not one hurtful thing about me that hit my ears has ever left my mind. (Travis Cottrell, Surprised By Worship)

You hurt me, don't you recall?
In 1982 – On Golden Pond.How can you have forgotten
what you said that day? I never will.
I play it in my mind each morning,
again when I see you or someone says your name.
I know you apologized the next day,
called early, shed tears, or so it seemed.
But I stoke the coals, keep the bitter burning,
evoke contempt at your vile words.
Others may perceive a kindly gentle man
but I know better, hold you in contempt
and know you'll never be as sweet as me.
And while resentments broil, who can blame me
should I keep a few behaviors to comfort me,
to make up for all the hurt you've caused me
through these years? It's your fault, you know,
this program doesn't work...

Pain, the Teacher

A note in explanation:  Barbara Rollins, author with OAStepper of A Cloud of Witnesses, fell three weeks ago, damaging multiple tendons plus artery and nerve, and finds herself in pain with one functional hand for the foreseeable future.  Proofreading the book for publication in large print, she found herself blessed by her own words and shares the whole section here today. God is good all the time. Amen and amen.

Hebrews 2:18 (NLT)

Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested.

Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 117

The faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the test. These work-outs should be regarded as part of your education, for thus you will be learning to live.

Pain is always the teacher,
which makes the pain
more tolerable
if I can just remember that,
if I can go past seeing some wisdom
and really buy into the notion.
Pain does make me more tolerant
of others facing their pain, their fears,
unless I take credit
for God’s grace
in creating in me
a better person.
When I forget the source of grace
I renounce the gift.
I forget
the Source.

God, the source of all that’s good
help me to trust you through the pain
of growth.

Holy Equality

A holy person is one whose body, mind, and spirit share an equality that was (and is) the intention and plan of God for all men. [Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 3067-3068)]

The three-legged stool – or is it a throne?
The simple program feels comfortable, homey
like an old stable of beloved animals,
real, basic, home before we ever get there.
But so real, so regal, so greater than splendid,
a tetrahedron worthy of gracing cathedrals,
a vessel to traverse galaxies, to explore molecules.
Grandiose yet common, the natural balance,
the harmony of body, mind and spirit attuned to God.

Doing Business

 I’m ready to do business. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 159)

Doing business is agreement,
contract, commitment.
Telling the world your new name.
Success comes from a plan,
relying on folks with knowledge
of the path. The while picture, not bits,
pieces, the fun parts alone.
Doing business is serious, whole-hearted,
all in. Are you ready to do the business
of recovery?

When You Walk Through a Storm

Nature, logic, common sense
demand a hunker down, head down,
covered up, charge-through stance.
Avoid excess storm contact —
physical, emotional or mental.
The song in your head counters,
for what contrarian reward?
"You'll never walk alone."
Doesn't never include head-down?
What else? Don't miss the lightning show?
Feel the might of gales? Avoid muscle ache
from tensed, stooped backs?
No, not the payoff, not enough...
it's the fear, faced, confronted,
acknowledged on a par. It's the act
of disdaining fear that makes true
the peace to finally, fully hear
the sweet silver song of the larks.

I Am Loved

Pain, frustration, fatigue,
unmet obligations, impediments
roadblocking forward movement.

What have I to share, to encourage?
How can I comfort when energy lags?
I know I’m cared for, cared about,
that others will bear my load,
lend a hand, walk with me.
I stand surrounded by a cloud of witnesses
who love me. And I know and can affirm
you do, too. I love you who love me
whether we’re close or never met.
I bear witness to a circle of love
in which you stand. I know. I’m there, too.
And we stand in love.

Real Peace

Great people not only do great things, but they like themselves too. That is real peace. ~ Martin Torsey

Accomplishments with self-respect,
big acts with honesty within, integrity.
Great things no matter what gets in the way,
but knowing when to pull back, mend, heal.
Balance facilitates greater greatness, real peace. 

Making Miracles

Sea of Galilee, © Kaye Schwertner

Miracles, sure, thousands of years ago.
Miracles today? Lord, I believe,
help my unbelief. Even in my great grandfather's time.
Credible witnesses I know well, so belief comes easier
than distrust in the reports. Past miracles, incredible.
Yet credible. And safely in the past.
But what of the promises?
New freedom, new happiness,
no regret about the past nor urge to shut the door.
Comprehend serenity, know peace? And more.
Miracles for sure, but happening. But fishes, loaves
abundantly? Lazarus, buried three days?
The man with the withered hand.... That's the kicker
right now, so personal, so impossible. Woe ye, me,
of diminutive faith.  Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.

Sudden and Profound

Fearful, angry, defiant.

I'll do it myself – this mess

is a mistake, I'll fix it soon.

I don't need your suggestions,

get out of my face,

you don't have a clue.

You're too stupid to understand.

Leave me alone!

I don't know why nobody likes me.

Confident, compassionate, understanding.

Let's look at this together – nothing's too tough,

we can work trough, we all make mistakes.

What do you think? I welcome your insight.

The joy in your face! Can I hug you?

It isn't that tough, this books tells the way.

Don't worry, it's simple – not easy! But simple.

I'm glad you're with me, so I'm not so alone.

Your love warms my heart.