Goodbye Rigidity

A friend mentioned that we spend our lives disciplined and she wants a break from the rigidity...

After all the searching, thinking the way had to be rigid and demanding, it isn't. I'd heard that no matter the question, love is the answer. It's the truth. ~ Moe

Rigid. Well, duh! Isn't that good?
Follow the rules. Dot the i's,
cross the t's. An A is not acceptable
if an A+ was possible. Don't mess up.
Do it right.
And if I don't? What then?
Then I know without a doubt
that I'm a failure.
Not that I failed to do the one thing,
not that I did above average
but failed to be the best.
Not that I could have done better.
If I failed, I'm a failure.
Period. Rigidly. By the book.
Impossible. I'm powerless over perfection.
I'm living an life I can't manage.
I've set a standard I can't meet
and I'll kill myself trying to meet it.
But no. I quit.
There is an alternative.
It's love. It's surrender.
It's recovery.

The Great Unknown

I've blamed the world,
my family, my friends,
my enemies, strangers...
anyone but me all these years.
Resentment, hatred, fear —
their fault. 
Then that fearsome column,
the key to the future, 
putting out of our mindsthe wrongs others had done,we resolutely lookedfor our own mistakes.Fearsome. Awful.
Awe-full. 

One Hundred Years

It's all a matter of perspective.
For the British a hundred miles
seems like a heck of a long way
while for Americans, a hundred years
seems like forever. For some people
avoiding alcohol is impossible, beyond their will
and for others the same is true of sugar
or crispy or bread and butter. Nobody's wrong
but if others don't understand your challenge
it doesn't mean you're wrong. But you have the right
to do what you need to do to take care of you.

You Can't Mean That!

I'm ready to start the new diet,

to get this weight off. I've done it before —

often, in fact, and I'm pretty good at it.

And this time it's going to work! 

I SWEAR I won't put the pounds back on,

with interest, as usual. Just show me

what I'm to do for a month, six months,
a year. I'll last through that — I know I can

this time — and then get to go back to

that most important of all food groups, 

sugar!

What? NEVER? No end to the new diet?

It's not a diet but a plan of eating? 

That semantics, just vocabulary.

They've always told me I can add back in

those foods I give up once I get to goal.

But you're AWFUL! You're terrible!

You think I have to do your program forever and ever?

You can't be serious. I've done this before.

I can do it again, same way, same result...

The Broken Places

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places . ~ Ernest Hemingway 

I call it my Hell Year — 1997.
But I cheat and count October before,
son J broke a hand bone five times,
had surgery and the next day
stood on the sidelines 
coaching his J-V replacement
on the plays. January, I'm 50.
Not so bad, but I'd missed my life.
Spring, Daddy was hospitalized
seven weeks, two on a respirator,
at eighty...never was the same again.
Son J graduated at 16 graduated,
angry and adrift. D-Day my stress
severed my rotator cuff.
The doctor's catty comment
about my weight, that he knew
I'd not heal in the time he said.
October, a blood clot.
November, Son D's surgery
emergency. My Hell Year.
The best year of my life
because I figured out I was killing me
and stopped.

There's a real dearth of pictures from the Hell Year. Here Son Jeffrey has the injured hand on my shoulder.

Silence the Silence

It's nobody's business but mine.
I'll go to my grave with this secret
and even with truth serum,
with torture, with pleading,
with sleep deprivation,
you can't make me tell.
That includes your silly Steps.
"Admitted to God, to ourselves,
and to another human being
the exact nature of our wrongs."
I assure you, I've sinned,
I've fucked up, I've failed miserably...
any words you want to use
to explain what a humongous mess
my life has become
because of my stupidity,
but that's enough. God knows,
I know, and NOBODY else needs to.
It's nobody's business but mind.

I can't get clean, can't break the pull.
What can be wrong with me?
I've worked the Steps, done everything.
Well, almost everything.

Two-Ton Telephone

Bench-pressing three hundred pounds
can be easier than picking up the phone —
even the one you carry in your hand
when it's for an outreach call, not a comfort one —
but calling once it's done seems so right,
so natural, so comfortable. When you've done it
a hundred times does it get easier? 
I guess I don't know. I call my sponsor
and other people, but with a reason,
not just reaching out. I'm allergic to phones.
It's not the truth, but it's an easier truth to claim
than what I fear the real one might be,
so I'll keep on avoiding the two-ton phone...
until I get desperate enough to use all the tools
to reach the goal of recovery.

With Love

...detachment...was fairly easy for me. But it was with indifference. Detachment with love was out of the question. ~ Courage to Change, page 100

They talked a while after the others had left.
Her wise old friend listened to a reprise
of endless years of dysfunctional marriage,
of stories of before and after recovery,
of descriptions of the same old attitude
still ruling the roost, but the difference.
Before the best she could have done
was to tolerate, to hold her head high,
to not let him pull her down to the depths,
at least not often, not all the time.
But after recovery he hadn't changed
and she knew he never would,
had come to understand a picture of him
that might or might not be the truth
but that explained the indifference,
the difficulties through the years.
Her friend said she'd never understood
why she hadn't left, found someone else,
looked for happiness rather than settling.
She tried to explain, but her eyes watered,
she found it difficult to hold her face still.
The wise old friend pointed out what kept her there,
what made her content, was that against all odds
she loved him still.

Fear and Faith

Faith is just getting out of fear. Faith and fear can't exist at the same time. I have faith there's a power greater than me. There's no reason to sit in fear. ~ Jhe T. James

Like toddler twins trying to be in the same place
at the same time, squirming, pushing, insisting...
Like a stone blocking the passage of fish
through the current, the fish flipping, flopping,
enlarging the passage so they can get where they want
by going close beside, not in the same place...
Like trying to stuff another set of sheets
and five large towels into a full-to-the gills linen closet...
Faith can't get where fear is. Oh, that's not true.
Faith can get where fear is...or was. Fear can't stay
faced with faith allowed. And faith comes,
ejecting fear, when we just ask, just allow,
just be willing to live free of fear.

What Have I Done?

But when I look back on the years I practiced compulsive overeating, I see how I always took the path in life that allowed me to most easily continue to practice the disease. In the meantime, the quality of my life diminished, and I gradually gave up on myself and my dreams. ~Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 2937-2949)

Senior citizen. Seasoned citizen.
Social Security recipient.
Middle aged? Who am I kidding?
I'll never be a hundred thirty-four.
Two people, blood relatives
within the third degree of consanguinity,
are older than I. Facts, they are.
But need they control me?
Grandma Moses...how hokey can I get
in finding an exception. Yet, others exist.
I plan on another thirty years,
and until then, I will refuse to allow
a diminished life, to give up on myself,
to release my dreams.

The Noun Recovery

Recovery is a wonderful word. It means getting something back. Today I will try to remember that "that something is me." ~  Courage to Change, Page 125

To recover is to get back,
whether to extract the original
in a chemical process,
to earn back the initial expenditure
before beginning to add profit, 
to get well, ridding the body of illness,
regaining possession of something stolen...
To recover is to get back.
To live in recovery is to regain (or gain first)
a life worth living, a sense of self,
a comfort in body and soul,
a freedom from obsession and addiction.
To recovery is to get back.

 

 

Not a Way to Treat a Dog

How do you treat yourself?
Does your dog know you love him?
Do you bend over backwards
for those around you, pleasing them,
accommodating them?
What do others think of you?
Do you cringe when they are nice,
when compliments come your way?
Isn't it time for you to know
your behavior reflects your negativity?
Don't you know your dog loves you
and those around you would...if you let them in!?
Isn't it time to treat yourself
at least as well as you treat yourself?

Respite

Suddenly fall, weather delightful,
some rain, weekend, company coming...
a perfect day. Why do I so seldom think
about this kind of day, dwelling on those
that make me mad, sad, resentful,
ashamed...
Why don't I make every day a respite
or at least find one inside it?

Shorted Out!

The cord looks just fine
but music comes through
only when held still,
the two severed wire pieces
able to touch, to make contact,
until they separate and all
goes silent. It reminds me
of those times when I look right,
can hold on to appearances,
can pretend all is well, but I know
deep inside, the connection is weak,
the probability I'm not listening
to others in recovery, 
to a power I've acknowledged,
to the wisdom of ages, 
to my own best intentions. 
It's then the looks don't count
and what's left belongs in the trash
with the connection reestablished,
with a strong clear signal,
and then I can hear when I need
and have the wisdom, the courage,
the willingness to do what I know
is right.

Descartes Doubts

The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. ~ The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

René Descartes needed a bedrock,
a place to start to decide what was real.
He figured out he could doubt everything,
but in that statement was the fact
that doubt was real. I think, so I am.
We can question everything, reason,
rationalize. We can work on what's right
until we can find it, define it, refine it,
analyze it, modify it, crystalize it,
polish it, petrify it...until we waste it.
Thinking about thinking was fine for Descartes
but I'm not in charge. I can't define, refine,
or anything else the truth. I must accept it
even when my doubts roil, but when I trust
my higher power, I'm there. Trusting HP
and taking the next right step 
whether I understand it...
or not.

Believe!

Now when someone leaves a will, it is necessary to prove that the person who made it is dead. The will goes into effect only after the person’s death. While the person who made it is still alive, the will cannot be put into effect. ~ Hebrews 9:16-17 (NLT)

Doctors had pronounced him incurable. Society was about to lock him up. Like myself, he had admitted complete defeat. Then he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known! ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 11 

Jesus told Nicodemus 
he had to be born again. 
He said flesh comes from flesh, 
spirit from spirit. 
God so loved he gave his son. 
Just believe – no more – and Spirit 
gives spirit where flesh condemns. 
We’ve turned away from light, 
loving darkness, doing evil. 
Fear blocks the light. 
Just believe,  
be ready to live by truth, 
walk into light, 
in the light, 
seeing miracles, 
living miracles.*

God, my fear is huge, 
but it’s not larger than your light. 
I believe.  
I believe!

*John, Chapter 3

From A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us

Envy

And I saw that all labor and all achievement spring from manʼs envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. The fool folds his hands and ruins himself. Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind. ~ Ecclesiastes 4:4-6, NIV

Envy, the incredible 
green 
hulk. 
The ultimate dearth of self esteem. 
Resentment. Fists raised. 
Eating poison to kill 
someone else. 
Tranquility, the vast 
azure 
ocean. 
The pinnacle of self esteem. 
Acceptance. Hands filled. 
Sharing five loaves 
with 5000 with 
plenty left.

God, take my resentments, my envy. 
Replace them with benevolence, with joy, 
and with a handful of tranquility.

Barbara B. Rollins A Time for Verse - Poetic Ponderings on Ecclesiastes 

The Essence of Immorality

The Essence of immorality is the tendency to make an exception of myself. ~ Jane Addams

This is what you should do,
and you must listen to me,
for I'm your sponsor.
Oh, you saw me do that yesterday?
Why were you spying on me?
You're not my sponsor,
you can't judge me.
Clean your own side of the street.
But that's not right.
Thank you for pointing it out.
I must live by the rules I'd have you follow
and if I can't then I have no business
offering guidance to you.
I'm sorry. I think maybe I have
some amends to make.

Expectations

Expectations are premeditated resentments. ~ "Well-known saying" I hadn't heard before.

Well surely he has the sense to send that back,
he knows I told him we didn't need it,
it was expensive, we could do better...
Why does he think I need to keep the check register?
We have enough money. I'm not going to overdraw.
I can do it when the statement comes in.
Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?
I know I brought your meal to your chair,
that I asked you where you wanted it,
what to drink, got your instructions.
But why should I have to? Why could you not
come to the table if I'm going to prepare it?
Are you that dependent on my waiting on you?

What do I expect of you? What do I want you to do?
Do my actions fit that? Do I let you know?
If I'm going to resent this after I do it for you
it's not worth the doing, and for you
it's not worth the receiving.

Utilitarian Love

And the only kind of love that they really have for other people is utilitarian love. You know, they just love people that they can use. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Love is not love if it's all about you,
if all your thoughts are what they can do
to make your life better, if you like it
when they look good only because
it makes you look good, and you see yourself
as deserving all the credit.
Love is not love when it's about you.
Love gives without scorecards,
cares about feelings, comfort, happiness
of the other, knowing its own
is not from perceived personal needs met
but from the appreciation and joy of others.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It does not dishonor others,
it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth. 
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.*Love is not love if it's all about you.

Photo by Surely Sweet Photography

*1 Cor. 13:4-7 (NIV)

I Retain the Right

I retain the right to have problems, to cry, to make mistakes, to not know all the answers. I still have and use a sponsor. I continue to give service to Al-Anon, but I don't have to be in charge. ~ Courage to Change, page 101

I no longer run the world.
I have surrendered responsibility
for giving everyone their script,
their walking orders, telling them
what they should think and do.
I no longer am responsible
to control the result of my best efforts,
to win every contest, to ace every task.
I have the right to fail if it happens,
but that doesn't mean I yield to fear
and avoid doing the hard stuff.
I have the duty to work to my best,
to listen to those wiser than I,
to not yield to foolish fear,
either the panic or procrastination.
I no longer rule the world
but I have the right to like me
when I do well...and when I don't.

Trust the Peace

Yes, you've grown accustomed to chaos,
expect arguments and tension
in all relationships, feel enmity.
Your resentments rage,
conversations occur in cursing yells.
Life in your dictionary is disagreement.
Then a few meetings, some reading,
following twelve simple steps...
and it's gone. It may still roil around you
but it's not in your heart, not in your mouth.
You work on keeping your own street clean
and let the rest take care of itself.
But it feels so weird, so fake, so pretend.
Shouldn't you be in on it?
No. Things have changed. You have changed.
Trust the peace.

Good and Bad

I learned the word thorough from recovery and it's turning out to be an asset and a limitation. ~ Jhe T.

The good news is fill-in-the-blank
and the bad news the same.
Our character traits can be strengths
but they're character defects as well.
Bad is not bad if it teaches.
Good can be maliciously used for evil.
Wonderful can be a downfall, a trigger.
Necessary water in torrents can destroy,
heat is essential but sunstroke kills.
There is nothing that is not good
and everything can be used for evil.
But recovery happens when I give up,
when I turn it over, when I allow a Power
to use me to make it turn out right,
a result I never could reach on my own.

Too Damn Busy for Hatred

I can plot, scheme, conspire, connive...
I can hate, loathe, envy, covet, crave.
I can wallow in hatred and jealousy,
enmity, aversion, resentment.
But that takes all the time there is,
a powerful vacuum sucking all in,
holding it tightly, enmeshed in the mire.
If I simply turn it off, ignore the emotions,
in necessary acknowledging the feeling
then walking away from it...
If I don't make he time to dwell there,
it's all there, easy to ignore, lost in the Hoover
and not available to be tripped over
as I gather bouquets of joy through my day.

Doubting Doubts

And I doubt my doubts. ~ Courage to Change, page 133.

Everybody else seems able to do this but I can't.
I never will. That's most certainly true
if I never try. If I stay in my stinking thinking
I get a stinking life, and nothing better,
for I have no hold, no hand out to accept,
the good that's offered. My doubts abound.
But not until I doubt the doubts,
not until I listen to the program,
read the literature, hear the shares,
not until I act like I might bypass the doubts
will I ever have the sense
to accept what's offered freely.

Inferiority Complex

The psychological catch phrase of the day was “inferiority complex,” and we used that frequently as the cause of our overeating. In addition, I blamed my mother for many of my problems. It was to be many years of Twelve-Step work on myself before I could see that the causes lay within me. ~ Beyond Our Wildest Dreams: A History of Overeaters Anonymous as Seen by the Founder

I know I'm not inferior to anyone.
I have less talent in some areas,
a great deal less knowledge than many,
than any one person in their best field
perhaps, but that doesn't make me inferior.
I can try less − or a great deal more −
than someone else, but I'm of value
and my efforts don't make me worthless
any more than they make me priceless.
I'm not inferior, and I can't use the belief I am
to justify not doing what I can, not progressing,
not having a life of joy and peace and promise.
I may not have knowledge or skills I need
but I have the ability to listen, to learn,
to become who I want to be.

On Paper

Finally, I can put down in words all the memories and all the pain. When I see them written in front of me, they seem almost manageable. ~ Courage to Change, page 242

Finite. Limited. Having an end.
When I feel like the whole world
rails against me, everyone's angry,
I'm alone without a friend,
without a warm body except enemies
it's good to know the demarcation line.
But in my head they roil, they seethe,
they seem a stampeding herd of buffalo
followed by seventy-two swarms of bees
with a writhing swarm of snakes
and spiders on every surface.
But when written down, the lion-tamer's whip
of simply setting them on paper
suffices to tame them, to number them,
to meld them into a manageable lump
to be addressed one at a time
and set aside, a lesson learned.

 

Rigatoni Fingers

Walking with a toddler’s fist wrapped around your finger brings comfort even when the act of bending far enough for it to happen shoots pains through your back.

Fingers the size of macaroni cling tight for a while, but a shiny bauble in cement, a slug inching along the path, or a sunray brimming with dust motes may loosen the fingers as the child, unconscious of the disconnect, wanders toward the prize. ~ Slender Steps to Sanity - Twelve-Step Notes of Hope (Kindle Locations 446-448).

Little fingers holding big ones,
trust, love, comfort shared.
How precious the little child
as I do all I can to protect,
to nurture, to lead, to teach.
Patience comes easy. 
Joy thrives with tiny weed flowers,
with a pinecone mystery,
with the joy of splashing water
and the simple things seem huge.
It's fun to be the big with the precious little.
Why can I not understand 
when I'm the immature, the learner, the child
and the adult is God or a sponsor
or a voice I need to hear
that it's just as good to the wise one
to be with me as when I'm the one
with rigatoni fingers.

Keep the Principles

As long as Overeaters Anonymous continues to keep the principles it has now, it will be our most valuable means of treatment of the disease of compulsive overeating. (William Radar, M.D.) ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2958-2959).

The principles...the steps.
As long as we hold on to them
then OA is the most valuable treatment,
the best way to address compulsive eating.
The principles...honesty in step one,
hope in two, faith as we decide
a power greater than we can restore sanity.
Courage to list our fears, resentments, our part
then integrity as we name them.
Then they flow from willingness, humility,
to self-discipline and amazingly, so closely knit,
to love. Then perseverance, spiritual awareness
and service become a way of life, the way
of the principles. And by the time we're halfway there,
we're surrounded, blessed, amazed by promises fulfilled,
the promises of the principles.

Guilt

So Christ has now become the High Priest over all the good things that have come. He has entered that greater, more perfect Tabernacle in heaven, which was not made by human hands and is not part of this created world. With his own blood – not the blood of goats and calves – he entered the Most Holy Place once for all time and secured our redemption forever. Under the old system, the blood of goats and bulls and the ashes of a young cow could cleanse people’s bodies from ceremonial impurity. ~ Hebrews 9:11-13 (NLT)  

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 69 

Guilt.
Insidious, invidious, hideous
guilt.
Like Lady Macbeth haunted by Duncan’s blood
guilt
permeates, paralyzes, persists.
How can we cleanse ourselves?
How can the guilt be relieved?
By facing what we did,
by understanding,
admitting,
amending.

Thanks be to God
for ways to move past guilt
to glory.

From A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and UsDay. 

Every Tear

Every tear you shed is sacred because it means you don't have to carry that hurt any longer. ~ Jhe T

This bottomless pit of feeling
seems the epitome of awful,
a fearsome entity to be despised,
to be avoided, to be shunned.
We've been taught all our lives
to hide the emotions, to "man up"
even if we're women, that tears
are a sign of weakness, subject to pity.
So we cry alone, medicating ourselves
with our drug of choice, sugar,
alcohol, meth, gaming, sex...
But they lie. The well-meaning folk,
the advice givers, the rescuers.
Tears are not only lubricant for eyes
and an autoimmune aid to defeat germs.
Tears are a way to shed the burdens
we've carried all these years.
Tears can wash the millstone away
and leave us washed clean, pure, at peace.

Thy

In his prayers he says, “Thy will be done"; but means his own, at least acts so. ~ William Penn

Thy. Archaic your. Thy will be done.
We constantly remind ourselves
we are no longer running the show,
humbly saying to ourselves
many times each day, "Thy will be done."We know that's how to do it.
We've heard it all our lives...
even in the archaic, always, well usually,
as though it's not really real.
Maybe, though, we say it that way
not because it's traditional,
not because that's how we grew up
but because it doesn't feel so real,
so much of a commitment,
so second person, meaning
not the one talking
but the other, the Capitalized Other,
the THY.

Seek and You Shall Find

Temptations come, as a general rule, when they are sought. ~ Margaret Oliphant

Yielding to temptation is sin,
as the song says. So don't.
Temptation...woman's weapon,
man's excuse, they say.
But it's our own weapon
against ourselves.
If we have temptation
we can nobly try resistance
but everyone knows
how easy it is to succumb.
Okay. It's a tough time.
I need to be strong.
But where is temptation
when you need it?
Exactly where you placed it.

Kind of Like Back to the Future

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Nineteen fifty-six. A momentous year,
the year we left where I'd lived all my life —
well, the first nine years of it, so all then —
and I moved to a town where everyone
knew everybody...and most were kin.
I have a self-diagnosed genetic ineptitude
for remembering names. We moved
as soon as school was out. Three months
stretched long, but fall loomed fearsome.
But it's Quanah I call home, not Lubbock
though I lived about as long in each.
How could I have known?
I chose McMurry as a small Methodist school
not too far and with a marching band.
Prof Bynum was tired of marching...
he'd started such in Texas high schools
and my only C's on the transcript were Band.
I went to Peggy to be hypnotized
but she did mind suggestions,
not the trance I wanted.
But she knew what was wrong with me
and patiently fixed it, molded me,
got me to the rooms of recovery.
We don't have to have life all planned out
but when we look back we see the tapestry
woven out on the road we traveled,
beauty stretches out in the form of a life.

 

Hey, Dumb-ass

If I was addicted to drugs, and said "hey, I got high again." What would you say? (Other than dumb-ass). I must want to be fat bc the moment I feel overwhelmed (2 of the past 3 days) here I am. ~ Text from Anonymous Overeater

Here I am, the dumb-ass.
Since I can't seem to stop eating
it would appear I want to be fat.
But I don't! When I feel overwhelmed
that's the first thought, the madness.
Paul wailed, What I want to do,
I don't then I turn around
and when the thing I loath the most
presents itself, that's precisely
the path I take!That's me. But Paul did okay
except for the sexism
and some ideas I don't like.
But who am I to criticize him
when I've got his words, know them,
can misquote them with the best...
He wasn't a dumb-ass. I'm not either.
Hey, he's a saint, isn't he?
Maybe there's hope for me.

Faith

I never saw it, touched it, smelled it, swallowed it with water or had it injected into me with a hypodermic needle. But it brought about what no pill, no shot, no book, no lecture, no prayer had ever been able to do. It broke my compulsion.
“It,” of course, is faith. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 763-765).

Faith. Substance of things hoped for.
Evidence of things not seen.
What is faith? What does that mean?
How do you grab hold of something
so amorphous, so vague. so nebulous.
Like a grain of mustard seed.
I understand a little tiny seed
with the genetic material to make a tree.
Trust, confidence. Those make some sense,
have enough of a texture I can get hold of them.
"A strong belief." I understand that,
how you can really really believe it.
Faith. Hard to define.  But worth waiting for,
looking for, preparing to receive.
You can take it on faith.

Face It

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt quoted by Laura Drake in The Sweet Spot (p. 168)

Stop to look fear in the face.
Don't run from it, don't bury your head,
don't medicate it with food, booze, drugs,
anything obsessive, anything mind-numbing.
A fearless and searching moral inventory.
That's the biggest fear, the morass inside,
the resentments we've nourished for years
before the sneaky instructions in the Big Book
make you look further, at how you feel,
where you're goaded, just what the fear is...
then how you caused it or goaded it on.
An evil and corroding thread; 
the fabric of our existence shot through with it.And when you've faced the fear, somehow,
always, it's deflated, diminished.
The fearsome lion begins to resemble
a pussycat.

Secrecy

Many of us develop clever methods of surviving in an alcoholic situation, such as denial or secrecy. But once we have the support of the Al-Anon program, we may find that our old methods do more harm than good. ~ Courage to Change,  page 230

Secrets. The story of my life.
If you don't tell, yo don't get in trouble.
Right? Wrong. You just dread it
until it comes out and then get in trouble
not only for  "it" but for hiding it.
I have a right to make decisions
not only in my work, no matter which,
or in organizations, or even
in things that affect only me.
I have a right to decide more than the menu,
more than what I'm going to do
while he's doing what I don't want to
and when I'm not doing what I'm told to.
I have the right to decide. But I have a duty
that goes with it. I should be kind,
considerate, open, honest.
I should treat him like I dearly wish
I would be treated. And in the meantime
I ought to tell him the current big secret
and remind him of the one I told him about
that will come in a couple of week.
I have the right to decide to be healthy
and right now I'm only as healthy
as the secrets I don't feel compelled to conceal.

Post washing machine iPod which is not actually the current secret

My Word

Most compulsive overeaters find it difficult to keep their word.  ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 1396).

Sure I'll do that.
Oops. I forgot to put it
on my calendar.
So sorry I missed it.
Did someone cover for me?
I promise, by the end of the month.
But I promised a lot more, too,
and I can't get everything done.
I'm such a fraud. I'm a failure.
I can't stand the humiliation.
I will have to kill the pain.
With food? With mind-numbing games?
With endless drivel?
It's tough to keep my word.
But it's not impossible.
If I learn that no is a word.