Making Decisions

In Step Three we “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” This is a big decision for those of us who have a tough time making even small decisions. ~ Family Groups, Al-Anon. Courage to Change—One Day at a Time in Al‑Anon II (Kindle Locations 327-329). Al-Anon Family Groups. Kindle Edition.

The size of the decision.
How do you know how big it is...
deciding to go to a meeting
because Peggy believed it would help...
choosing to try one more time
when surgery seemed the answer,
and you had...or had not...
tried the surgery, but had decided
it wasn't the miracle we'd seen in the ads?
How do we make big, bold decisions
when it has been our custom
to waiver, to vacillate, to stumble
over minor ones? The answer is simple.
We make a decision
to turn our will and our lives
over to the care of God
as we understood Him,
and we surround ourselves
with Recovery people until we know
without a doubt we have made
this big decision then lean
on that Power greater than ourselves
for all the problems, no matter the size,
for the remainder of our lives.

Excuse Us?

In the past, excusing ourselves of all responsibility prevented us from being blamed. We have learned that it also prevented us from feeling worthy, from fulfilling our potential, from feeling the excitement that comes with achievement. ~ Casey, Karen. Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women (Kindle Locations 325-327). Hazelden Publishing. 

It's not my fault. He made me do it.
She made me feel this way.
I did the best I could.
If you had just listened to me...
All my life I've avoided being blamed.
Maybe I did that on purpose.
Surely I did it so my heart and head
would stop hurting, so I could feel
worthy...at least not unworthy...
but it didn't work. Instead I felt nothing,
stumbled through life in a muddle,
inert, static, uncomfortable,
stagnant, inert.
But I was not blameless,
not innocent, sometimes
I was at fault. But stopping the lies.
the ones I told you, him, her, me...
I learned how to feel, how to enjoy,
how to fly, how to be worthy,
to have no need to be excused.

Eventually

The "diet" began at age thirteen with diet pills,
I meandered through "chubby" clothes
the 1/2 tag, slacks wearing out first
at the inner thighs, chiding comments
from Mother and others, called in Red Rover
by the description, "Let Fat Domino come over,"
band uniforms having to be altered,
the embarrassment of hight and weight
being announced before eighth-grade peers,
most weigh-and-pay organizations you could name,
some you never heard of, carb blockers, amphetamines,
a metal pin at an acupuncture point on my ear,
graphs and charts projecting how much I’d lose by what date
counseling (3 times, years at a time),
hypnotism, and anything else marginally relative,
fasting one day each week,
beginning to write a book about how with a partner
I attained a total weight loss of 500 pounds,
knowing I lacked well over a hundred of those
before publication, and giving myself shots in the stomach
twice daily with a medication approved for diabetics,
which I was not, but not approved for weight control....
The "diet" lasted until 36 days before age 60...
Unlucky? Certainly.
Stubborn? It would seem so,
but no, neither luck nor mulishness
had anything to do. Fortune stepped in,
led me to understand it's a disease,
and led me eventually to Recovery
in the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous.

Age-Old Wisdom

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5–6 NIV

God, I offer myself to Thee - To build with me
and to do with me as Thou wilt. The book of Proverbs
predate the Third Step Prayer by more than
twenty-two hundred years, but the message
rings true in either context. Turn your life over...
surrender by trusting your God with all your heart...
and if it's truly done your Recovery is bound to happen,
God will make your paths straight!

Reaching Forward

The past is past
but I look at it,
study it, glean tidbits.
A wise woman tells me
pneumonia often implies
extreme guilt, and we ponder
the meaning when I was a child.
And what have I sought
my whole life long?
Why did I turn to food
as my source of solace?
How have I chained my spirit?
How do I learn to loosen the fetters now?
I look at the past, examine the present,
and ponder how best to change
for the future as I better the future.

To Tell The Truth

I'm what has come to be known
as codependent.
I offer to help all the time,
act willing when you control me,
aim to please.
Inside, though, I'm yelling,
"So, do it yourself, Lazy!
And when you come back
could you bring me..."
But I don't have to act
in a codependent way
any more than this compulsive overeater
has to eat compulsively.
The two issues yield
to the same Twelve Steps
and considering the issues I have
the same ones led me to both
compulsions and surrendering
to my Higher Power
leads to Recovery from both.

Step Three

Settling on the need
To surrender our will and our
Egos to a
Power greater than we...

Then doing that
Has marvelous
Results,
Ensuring
Everlasting tranquility.

I Have Rights

The call the behavior
codependent...
excessive emotional
or psychological reliance
on a partner,
typically a partner
who requires support
due to an illness or addiction.
I try my best to avoid
rocking the boat,
causing the wrath
to target me.
I have opinions,
ideas, solutions,
but maintain my silence.
I'm determined
to change my ways,
to state my mind,
to let the world know.
I really do have rights of my own.

Changing Me

 No one can make me change. No one can stop me from changing. No one really knows how I must change, not even I. Not until I start. I will remember that it only takes a slight shift in direction to begin to change my life. ~ Family Groups, Al-Anon. Courage to Change—One Day at a Time in Al‑Anon II (Kindle Locations 82-84). Al-Anon Family Groups. Kindle Edition.
My daddy often said,
"There's nothing new and improved."
We have three old dogs
and two senior citizens living here.
None of the five of us adapt well
to changes of procedures.
But I need to change
from the inside out.
I believe my tension, my fear,
my trying to change me and others
is affecting my body, causing physical pain.
So how do I make this old dog newly improved?
I'm reading the wisdom of other people
who found such a path in Recovery.
I'm internalizing it.
I'm reading the Bible cover to cover this year,
absorbing the text. I'm learning to pray,
asking for help and considering trying suggestions.
No one can make me change.
No one can stop me from changing.
No one really knows how I must change,
not even I. Not until I start.
I will remember that it only takes
a slight shift in direction
to begin to change my life.

Inevitable if You Take Step Three

Once we compulsive overeaters truly take the third step, we cannot fail to recover. ~ Anonymous, Overeaters. The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Location 317). Overeaters Anonymous, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

How do you "take" a step that says,
"Came to believe a power
greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity?"
What is involved in taking a step?
What does that have to do
with coming to believe?
Most of our lives
we don't think about
physically taking a step.
For a beginner, someone
overcoming an injury
and the aged, thought
is mandatory.
Put your weight on one leg
then move the other,
preferably involving
knee flexing.
Is there a correlation?
Shifting the weight
can be, "don't think so hard."
Flexing the knee
is an upward shift... (or kneeling?)
looking toward a Higher Power?
Moving forward is almost
a controlled fall,
certainly one relying
on being caught, a proper landing.
Coming to believe
a higher power
could set you straight
Involves diverting your mind,
reaching up, knowing
Daddy's up there,
you're going to be fine,
then repeating until
it becomes obvious, a given,
everything's going to be fine.

The Things I Don't Say

I swallow my words when I want to yell them,
stuff them down like for so many years
I ate comfort food. The problem is,
the words and the anger that caused them
too often trigger the stuffing food again.
I choke on the words I don't say
and my life and the one I'm touching
both suffer for the deceit.

Acceptance

View everything that comes your way—the good as well as the challenging—with acceptance of whatever you are given. ~ Dean, Amy E. Morning Light: A Book of Meditations to Begin Your Day (Kindle Locations 268-269). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

"Thank you." Have you ever said that
when you would prefer to spit in their face?
I certainly have. When the comment is an insult,
when the act is a token in the right direction
but you feel it's so minimal as to be an affront...
Harvey Mindess says, no hypocrisy, injustice
or foolishness (only) but life but "to accept ourselves,
not blindly and not with conceit,
but with a shrug and a smile."
Maybe that's what I'm doing with "Thank you."
If I'm being ridiculed, insulted, belittled
I can accept it, knowing it's not my due,
but understanding not "rising"to the insult
actually places me on an elevated plain,
and I can be comfortable in knowing
who I am, what I'm worth, that words
aren't sticks and stones and I need not
acknowledge their impact. What a person thinks of me
is none of my business so long as I behave
as I know I have a right to acceptance.

Haunted

The pain, the constant search for acceptance and love in the eyes and behavior of others, still haunts us. But those days are past. We are daring to be ourselves, one day at a time. ~  Karen Casey. Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women (Kindle Locations 207-209). Hazelden Publishing.

When our self-esteem yields
the right to analyze, to assess ourself
to those around us...and, in doing so
choose to spend our lives with those
whose analysis falls nearest to the baseness
we self-assign, we end up haunted,
believing ourselves morally bankrupt.
But all things can change...even self-appraisal.
That happens sometimes quickly,
sometimes after a while,
as we learn to be ourselves
one day at a time.

To Whole

From wholly His to whole. ~ Anonymous. A Day at a Time: Daily Reflections for Recovering People (Hazelden Meditations)

The story of Recovery:
We came.
We came to.
We came to believe.
But for some of us, it begins to get tough
with "We came to believe."
Have I truly come to believe
that only through utter defeat
am I able to take the first step
toward liberation and strength?
Do I instead harbor reservations
about the principle of
letting go and letting God …?
If so, I truly have moved
From wholly His to whole.

Sleep

Sleep is a sandwich,
coming after a nightly inventory,
after amends have been made,
and recitation of gratitudes.

On awakening we think about
the twenty-four hours ahead.
We consider our plans for the day.
We ask God to direct our thinking,
especially asking that it be divorced
from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
Sleep is a sandwich, wrapped between
such goodness, we sleep well
recovery percolating into joy.

Recovery Day

Monday, Monday
So good for me,
a week begun grounded
in Recovery.
After breakfast
I call my sponsor,
soak up wisdom,
her words, her guidance.
Then shortly after
five of us gather
in three countries,
two states, three time zones.
A meeting, then coffee
We share our lives,
mold our recovery
and bear up our fellows.
We disconnect,
to live our lives
in Ireland, Mexico,
California and Texas.
Until again we have
Monday, Monday
So good for me!

The Days of the Weak

I missed my meeting on Monday,
considered getting to Tuesday's
to touch base, be encouraged.
Wednesday's was so early,
and I forgot to set the alarm.
I could have gone online
or called in on a phone meeting but didn't.
Saturdays are to be at home, not to get a meeting,
and Monday was just around the corner
so I skipped Saturday.
By Monday I'd missed a week.
It didn't seem crucial
and that was it, my days of the weak.

Pay Attention to My Obvious Misery

It is likely someone will
pay attention if I wear misery like a badge,
if I wallow in it and wail of it,
spreading the misery.
I know I do when someone's obvious misery
be-smudges my world.
We don't have to search for misery.
It's all around you. But if you find support,
join a group where Recovery abounds,
you can find positive addiction
and with it, peace.

A Living Faith

 If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm. ~ Mohandas Gandhi

When we come to believe
a Power greater than we
could restore our sanity
then decide to surrender
our will and lives to the Power,
then that commitment must last,
good times and bad without end.
But the special part is the good times
and what would have been could-be-called-bad
aren't so bad...can be even meaningful,
important for growth, because of the choice
to release the reins and keep the Power
at our side
every day that comes.

How to Welcome Change

I have learned that when the pain of where I am is worse than the fear of where I’m going, I welcome change. ~Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 2483-2484). Overeaters Anonymous.

Step Six declares we “Were entirely ready
to have God remove
all these defects of character.”
Our traits we once identified as our nature
once served a purpose, made us who we were.
They are as comfortable to us
as the foods and eating behaviors
that pulled us yo Recovery.
But we got uncomfortable enough with the food,
we can do the same with other traits, and like the food,
we'll learn the comfort comes when we change those as well
and for comfort, less fear, we'll be entirely ready!

My Real Task

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~ Rumi

I'm lovable...or so I've been told.
I'm respected, so I'm respectable.
Why is that easier to accept than lovable?
I know there's an issue with using the song
"Jesus loves me" with children
because it's so tough to proof text it
with inquisitive and literal children
but God loves me. "So we have come to know
and to believe the love that God has for us.
God is love, and whoever abides in love
abides in God, and God abides in him."
and "In this is love, not that we have loved God
but that he loved us..." I know I'm loved
by people, by Jesus, by God, but
that's not the point. My task
is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find
all the barriers within myself
that I have built against it.
Thank God!

Fear of Fear

Fear can become a power greater than myself. I may not be able to fix it or make it go away. ~ Al-Anon Family Groups. Courage to Change—One Day at a Time in Al‑Anon II (Kindle Locations 3916-3917).

Step Three doesn't look  toward finding
only a Power greater than I, but one
capable of restoring me to sanity.
What other powers can be greater than I?
Certainly food, my curmudgeon of an addiction.
For me, a more omnipresent great power
is the overwhelming need to keep another
from spewing my way confidence-eroding verbiage
I allow to do just that. What other powers dwarf me?
Procrastination: chronic low-intensity fear.
Guilt. My prized possession in the past,
a niggling presence of my present.
Whatever the other powers greater than me may be,
there is another I call God or Spirit or Demiurge,
and that Power is not only greater than me,
but greater than any would-be competing higher power,
and that Power claims me when I turn to Him
and reigns supreme over all the rest
so I have no need ti fear fear or any other power.
I choose to honor and surrender to the Power
that is well able to confront any other power
and fix it or make it go away!

Declare Me Righteous

⁸  ...Declare me righteous, O Lord,
          for I am innocent, O Most High! ~ Psalm 7:8 New Living Translation (NLT)

God, teach me the lesson here.
It feels wrong, arrogant, presumptuous.
What is the effect of declaring me righteous?
It doesn't change Your mind.
Is the purpose to assure me,
to remove my doubts, my self-loathing?
¡Ojalá que sí! Let it be so!!

Real Power

Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings. ~ MelodyBeattie. The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series (p. 8). Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Blame. My Blame, your blame, his blame, her blame.
Surely society is to blame. Who's to blame?
Blame: responsibility for a fault or wrong.
Responsibility, guilt, accountability, liability, culpability, fault.
Responsibility. Perhaps a synonym but stronger,
responsible, even. Vulnerable, human,
having real power BECAUSE we allow  ourselves vulnerability.
We know that because we feel hurt. Perhaps once
we did not feel the hurt, blocked the feelings with addiction,
feeling no pain...or other feelings.
Powerless. Powerless over addiction,
unable to manage our own lives.
Until we found by surrendering to Power
instead of to addiction we began to accept responsibility...
not blame...for the feelings we discovered
and began to feel, to understanding by surrendering,
giving up, and...SURPRISE...found we had REAL power...
besides having Power!

Hooray for Abstinence!

Years and years of eating
for comfort, in rebellion,
as a reward, for no reason
other than the trigger tripped
so eating goes on, inertia-driven.
Then a simple plan, people who know you
on first introduction, your doppelgängers.
Eating gains sanity,
with a fellowship's backing,
and abstinence happens
bringing what seemed impossible
but now just happens,
one day at a time
with friends and a Power
greater than you.

I Trust You, HP!

I WANT YOU TO LEARN A NEW HABIT. Try saying, “I trust You, Jesus,” in response to whatever happens to you. ~ Sarah Young. Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence. Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

"God, I offer myself to Thee
to build with me & to do with me
as Thou wilt."
"My Creator, I am now willing
that You should have all of me,
good and bad."
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
"Not my will but Yours be done."
"I trust you, Higher Power."
A prayer that comes readily
to mind among people,
spoken when alone
whatever comes to happen
solidifies the surrender,
puts all things in perspective,
brings true Recovery.

Be Beautiful!

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

We once may have taken on the world to manage,
trying hard but doing a miserable job. We could control nothing,
especially not ourselves. Miserable in the failure,
we turned to substances, behaviors, people, habits...crutches.
For a while they dulled the pain until they caused more pain
than we'd ever known before. Angry with every person in our lives,
we still tried to control them, needing their good will
so we could soak it up, so we could approach respect for ourselves.
We felt betrayed by everyone, that they had no worth
and we had less. We needed their respect,
their admiration so from that we could kindle
our own regard for ourselves.
Sometimes from the depths we are led to help,
begin to understand how wrong we've been,
surrender our role as director of the world,
find the truth we never could control anyone else,
nor even ourselves, but if we released the reins,
if we turned the whole mess over to a Power
capable of handling it all, if we did only the part we could
and gave up control of the rest, if we accepted who we were,
what we could do...if we accepted ourselves,
leave the rest to others, we find all we had tried to fix is fixed,
and we are okay...more than okay. We're beautiful!

Torn Down and Remade

She gave me a book, asked me to read it.
I did, the collection of people's stories,
tales of finding new life in Overeaters Anonymous.
I decided to try it...but after the new year,
not to ruin Christmas and a European trip.
So much for my plans, though.
I was zapped December 17th,
knew I could not wait. I became committed,
eating sanely despite the plethora of food,
hurt myself badly yet declined treating pain with food.
The flight to London was miserable but safe.
Internet cafes were my friend as I reported
to a worldwide circle what I ate.
Flying home hurt less, and the reward
was a report by the scales I'd gained no weight.
in three weeks of holiday abundance.
A schedule rearranged and a snowy day
when I alone got to the OA meeting place,
then two days after I turned sixty
I passed up the offer of a newcomer's chip
but accepted one for thirty days of a brand new life.
Eleven years ago I chose Recovery
over comfort food, leaving behind the life I knew
for one a million times better.

A New Way in the Wilderness

This is what the Lord says — he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. ~ Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 (NIV) 

What is more a wasteland than a person
relying on substances, behaviors, control
of chaotic circumstances...on self...
to muddle through? How can we traverse the swamp?
How can we overcome ourselves and find a path?
Must we rely on tales of Adam and Eve,
of Noah, Abraham, Jacob, Moses and David?
Sure, there are tales of miracles, but how and why
should we perceive them as other than those of Hercules,
Thor, Poseidon, Odin, Mercury, Adonis, Loki?
The tales seem to read the same. The past,
before real history has no pull on my soul.
But what of real history? Of people alive now?
If real people tell me, show me from their own path
of  a new thing springing up; of changed lives
that once were hopeless like mine?
Can it really be true there is a Power
making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland, transforming lives
as hopeless as mine? Surely it's worth my time
to talk to such people, to try their path,
to take their steps, to allow myself the thrill
of passing through the wasteland
to find what they swear to be real!

A Better Person

Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Be at war with your vices.
Hating yourself is not being at war
with your vices; not even
hating your life, your addictions,
your habits is being at war
with your vices.
Only reaching the point you know
you're powerless over your addiction,
that your life is unmanageable
approaches being at war with the vices.
Add coming to believe a Higher Power
could lead you to sanity
and deciding to jump off the bridge,
deciding to let the Higher Power manage
constitutes being at war with your vices.
Being at peace with your beighbors
comes from working the other nine steps,
admitting your part, making amends,
daily being at war with your vices.
And that opens the door to your really, truly
having a happy new year and being
progressively, day-by-day
a better person!