Don't Sing It!

There's still plenty of time for all of us to overcompensate. ~ Peggy Hill on King of the Hill

Everyone swings like a pendulum do
furious, jealous then brushing off you.
Fear driven tantrums then sooth it with food
stuff yourself senseless to smother the mood.

Take off the poundage near starving to death
running a marathon panting for breath
life's not worth living an ounce over goal
after I finish this luscious cheese roll.

Up a stone and one more, three sizes higher
I hate myself so much just stuck in this mire.
Look at me beat it, this diet's the one
but I forego it before three days are done.

Everyone swings like a pendulum do
I thought it forever, would swear it was true.
Normies don't swing one way then back the next
This fat brain can't do what the whole world expects.

Timeless Truths

I am loved.
I am lovable.
I make mistakes
but I am not one.
I have talents,
abilities, worth
and I don't have
to prove it, earn it,
build it. I am
my higher power's
and that power is in charge
and I can rest and stay
in his care, in his will
but I must continue
to obey, to seek it,
to accept it.
But he's in charge
of that and I only
need accept it,
accept his love,

accept his peace,
accept his making me
worthy.

Get Another Nail

Stephen King's advice on rejection: Get a bigger nail.

He started writing and being rejected at 17. He filed the letters on a nail. When the nail was full he hung another nail. ~ Facebook post by Madonna Dries Christensen

Well, I tried, but it didn't work. I'm hopeless.
Helpless. A miserable failure.
Short answer? Nope. And not "Nope, dope."Sure, maybe you failed. Chalk it up.
Learn from it. Go back to the source.
Find your strength in a Power who can.Surrender. Work the steps. Use the tools. 
Hang it on a nail and get a new nail
when you need it. But the more nails you use
if you are really trying, the closer you'll be
to never doubting you can do it
because you have.

Integrity

Integrity is living the truth you know. ~ Rinaldo S. Brutoco

"You know the answer."
Have you had a question answered
with a cast back to your knowledge?
Do you ask the question 
knowing you know, 
yet hoping for another answer?
We know the truth
whether we've heard it
from parents, teachers,
strangers, the pulpit,
friends, literature.
We may seek truth, seek miracles
but the miracles come
when those truths we know
become the way we live.

Where The Sun Shines

Finally, I realized that when the sun shines, it doesn’t shine in just one spot, and that maybe God’s love could be that big. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 658-659)

Your God Is Too Smallwas a book, half a century past,
talked of God understanding radar,
the idea we'd first tend to doubt that,
that the answer was, Of course!
Other tiny gods were the resident policeman,
meek and mild, god in a box...
we've all had our ideas, usually too small.
But sunshine. We understand sunshine,
would even tell you God created it, the first day.
But to look at the sunshine, to see it's ubiquity.
Can't we credit God with being everywhere
the sun shines and all at the same time?

Claim the Process

How often have you started to talk,
responding to someone else
and discovered a foreign entity,
an unknown wisdom, sounding
in your voice? That's what it's about,
listening to others, mentoring,
sponsoring, being a friend. 
When you don't know where
the words began the journey
but they got there through your mouth
you ought to listen because chances are
you're talking to you as much as to
the one you're responding to.
Claim the process.
The answers will come.
Let go of yesterday and tomorrow
and do your part, the next right step,
and the answer will come, the right one,
when the focus is on service,
on yielding, on surrender,
on today's path.

To Fruit

These years past
fruit lacked sweetness
for I existed on sugar,
syrup, corn syrup...
the "real" sweets
in any transmutation.
Yet cleansing myself
of these toxicants
I've learned fruit
has tastes even without
the sauces and toppings
I was wont to add.
Here's to fruit
with all it's goodness
and it's good to me
as well.

Telling the Truth without Reporting the Facts

I am a judge. I swore people in.
I had them swear
to tell the truth
the whole truth
nothing but the truth.

I am a lawyer. I prepared clients.
I told them to listen
to answer the question
they were asked
to volunteer no other facts.

I am a lawyer. I asked the questions.
I knew how to ask
for the answer I wanted
and not for those close to it
I'd rather not have raised.

I am a person.
I excel at lying
maybe because of the other.
I can answer questions the legal way
when I talk to my sponsor.
Or I can pour out my heart
reveal my secrets
and recover.

Curious Mental Phenomenon

You may think this an extreme case. To us it is not far-fetched, for this kind of thinking has been characteristic of every single one of us. We have sometimes reflected more than Jim did upon the consequences. But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 37

Reflected more than Jim did?
More than figuring even though
his alcoholism had been proven,
he's seen the light, accepted the message,
yet still he figured with his keen alcoholic mind
he could put an ounce of whiskey in milk
because his stomach was full
and besides, there was the milk,
that it couldn't hurt. Three times
in quick succession...
I can drink alcohol then leave it be,
sitting in the pantry for years on end.
But a stale doughnut? A new Blizzard flavor?
Half a piece of pie left on a plate to be washed...
Why wouldn't you eat it? Let it go to waste? Hell's bells!
There's a king of perverse satisfaction
in coming up with a new excuse, the logic ingenious,
something so innovative nobody's ever said no
and get what we wanted all along
despite the insanity of the act.

 

Too Smart Means Trouble

You can't be too dumb to recover
but it's easy to be too smart.
Dumb, insecure, convinced
you're without hope, that you're a loser
is the perfect frame of reference
to listen, to follow the suggestions
as though they were written-in-stone laws,
and to act without question, without response,
without suggesting an alternative.
But the one whose grades and test scores
declare to be above average, intelligent,
among the top? We, for I believed
I was without assets except intelligence
for that only could not be doubted...
because of grades and test scores
and the ease with which they were obtained...
We...doubt it could be that easy.
We...argue that there's a way to do it easier,
quicker, more completely, a better way.
We...can know it all, be experts,
write a book about it, speak with confidence,
be perceived as having it...
But we know we don't until we understand
we're not that bright, not so smart we can do better,
and we give up and act like we know nothing
but are willing to do whatever it takes,
to go to any lengths.

Compulsive

It's a comfortable refrain
ringing through an OA meeting,
compulsive overeater.
In recent years we've played
with the phrase, but just overeater,
changing it places to simply eater.
But we can say it so often
it loses it's punch.
Compulsive: relating to,
resulting from an irresistible urge. 

Especially one against our wishes.
Would that I would eat the way I decide
but my body rebels...oh, it complies a while
but not for long. I'm powerless.
It's an irresistible urge. I can't stop eating.
I'm a compulsive overeater, a sugar addict.
I cannot not eat sugar.
But I am. And I have. And I will
in days to come, one day at a time
when I remain in the will of a power
grater than I.

But I've proved it's compulsive
by my decades of failure,
by my frustration, by my slips and slides,
my passive yielding to those who don't understand.

I can't try just one bite, can't have it just once,
cannot be controlled by holidays or celebrations
or your sense of hospitality.
I eat compulsively. Except when I surrender
to a power greater than I.

My Blindness

I know what you need to do,
your weaknesses,
your ignored obligations,
your idiosyncrasies.
I can direct your life,
set your agenda,
guide your thoughts and actions.
But that's none of my business.
All I have the right to control
is what I need do,
my life, my thoughts,
my actions. I need only see
my side of the street
but for so long I've studied yours
I can no longer see my own.

Nakedly Selfish

As long as we cling to such resentments over old injuries, we continue to injure ourselves. ...

If we don’t break this cycle and heal from the pain of our pasts, eventually the need for relief from guilt and shame will drive us to drink or use again. That is the most nakedly selfish reason that we must forgive others for wronging us. ~ SerenityWeb.com

Selfish is bad enough, but nakedly selfish?
Lacking consideration for others,
concerned with our own profit or pleasure.
Yes, that's selfish in a nutshell.
But when you forgive others for hurting us?
How can that possibly be selfish?
Well, how can it help them
if it's postmortem or we can't find them?
We still must forgive. Because
the guard is constrained
like the prisoner he watches
and we're the guard so long as we resent.
Even if the cretin benefits by our amends
does that stop us from profiting?
Pain. Fear. Resentment. Hatred. Loathing.
We own them until we let them go
and when we do we profit. We recovery.
It's worth being nakedly selfish if that's
the prize.

 

Drawing by Jeremy Griffith. © Fedmex Pty Ltd 1996

Surrender Is So Counterintuitive

Surrender is so counterintuitive! ~ Carol from New York City

Turn it over, not my will but yours.
Not what I would have expected?
You better believe it! What seems right,
natural...real...is seeing to business,
being responsible, exercising willpower,
holding others to their commitments,
looking out for ourselves!
That's what my intuition says,
from long practice, I must watch my back,
keep from being betrayed by folks,
from being dumped on.
Turn it over, not my will but yours.Surrender. See to my side of the street.
What she thinks of me is not my business.
What she does is none of mine.
How can you run a life like that?
How?
Sanely. Safely. Serenely.

Be My Valentine

What does it mean to love?
Is it walking lockstep with the world,
candy for your sweetheart
come February 14,
the dessert they always loved
back when they were a child
at every family gathering,
sharing a tub of ice cream
for old time's sake?
Does love change?
Can something that was loving
become a cruel barb, hurtful,
a cause of pain?
Love never fails,
but we know in part
and what once was love
can turn to hurt.
The greatest is love
but doesn't that mean
meeting a person's needs
and not society's rote rules?

God Digs In

God digs in, if you're strong enough to let him. ~ Maureen Gibbons

If soldiers dig in they make trenches,
a place to wait, to anticipate attack,
a spot they intend to hold, to be.
If you dig in at the table enthusiasm,
excitement, anticipation, pleasure awaits.
If fingernails or a pick dig in they press hard,
make a place for themselves, hold on
to not let go, to stay attached, to cling.
If opponents dig in they plan to stay,
anticipate a battle, decline to retreat.
If you shovel to mix fertilizer in dirt
you're digging in to blend, to make one
of things that were separate.
To dig in is to prepare to work, to resolve.
God dug in, God digs in, God will dig in.
God's in to stay, and lo, I will be with you
always, even to the end of time.God digs in. And if we're strong enough
to know we're not god,
he'll hold us in his care forever.

Spiritual Learning Disorder

Sometimes I need slightly different phrasing. A spiritual learning disorder. ~ MG

how a person understands 
remembers 
responds to new information
a learning disorder
often hard to focus
need facts presented
differently

how a person understands
it's really a disease
an illness
not something subject to willpower
how someone responds
to a share others couldn't relate to
can't focus on surrender
but relishes acting as if
hates the god of childhood
but a spirit of the universe
sparks fire
enchants
works

how a person understands
remembers
responds to new information
is just right
the perfect way
for that person
to learn
to recover

Bureaucrats and Poor

If you see the poor oppressed in a district, and justice and rights denied, do not be surprised at such things; for one official is eyed by a higher one, and over them both are others higher still. The increase from the land is taken by all; the king himself profits from the fields. ~ Ecclesiastes 5:8-9

Bureaucrats and poor you’ll always have.
Taxes on tariffs on taxes.
Laws mandate fairness despite common sense
while the poor dig through garbage for food.
People help people
with minimal waste.
Nations waste dollars
to give poor folks dimes.
Why go through bureaus, agencies, nations?
Is person-to-person too hard?
Maybe. Up close and
personal is
just so personal.

God, grant me the courage to love your
people,
to see through the dirt and despair.

Barbara B. Rollins A Time for Verse - Poetic Ponderings on Ecclesiastes 

Falling from Grace??

Why did they fall from grace? Because they have a chronic, incurable disease that requires daily application of this program and conscious surrender to God. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 501-502).

It's falling from grace to stop working the Steps?
Eek! Isn't that blasphemy? Isn't it sacrilege?
Taking the Lord's name in vain? Well, maybe not that.
But still. How can you compare the two?
But then again, when Paul brought it up
he wasn't arguing against something failing to reach
etherial, something sacred, something divine.
The discussion was whether Christians needed circumcision,
whether the Jewish law applied. In that light
it's not so different at all. The state of grace.
What is it, and how do you fall?
I learned more in OA than in decades of churchiness,
in studying theology, doctrine, church history...
even in knowing what the Bible said.
But it's the same. If what you do in abandoning Steps
is to turn away from the decision to turn will and life
to the care of your Power, to surrender, to yield...
is there really any difference? If your God is Paul's
or that of the church or your folks or Christianity 
of any kind, then falling from the Steps
is falling from grace. No, not blasphemy.
It's a transformational event, and the fall into food
really is a fall from grace.

Enjoy Recovery

I don't enjoy having to do recovery but I enjoy recovery. ~ Josh C

Sick and tired of being sick and tired
is one thing, but then again
there's sick and tired of being good,
of following rules, of eating right,
of using the tools, making phone calls,
reporting food, being quizzed...
There's sick and tired of doing recovery
but then again, if the only way to get recovery
is to actually get recovery, then, well,
then it's worth having done all the stuff
you didn't want to do to get
where you wanted to get. 

Just Repair the Car

If your car were broken
could you repair it?
It's your car, isn't it?
Shouldn't you be responsible
for what needs to be done?
Why would you look elsewhere
for the needs of your vehicle?

If your life were broken
would you know what to do?
Would you be embarrassed
to confess you don't?
Doesn't it make as much sense
to look to people who know
about the aspects of your life
you don't know how to fix?
Why is it wrong to seek out help?
There is no shame in not knowing.
Only in pretending you know
what you don't.

Today I'm Grateful

The promises, the big ones,
or at least the most quoted ones
say we'll not regret the past
nor wish to shut the door on it.
As to the future, we're told
we have no power over it,
cannot change it today,
should not worry or fret or dread.
I understand it's one day at a time,
that we only have today,

that tomorrow's out of our reach
and yesterday's slipped out of grasp.
But I'm stuck with the dregs
of yesterday and apprehension
about what I'm doing to day
and how it can make tomorrow suck.
Do I have to be stuck in today?
No. I have to be in today,
but stuck? No. The world is open,
the possibilities endless,
and I can be glad for that.
And I can be grateful.
Today I'm grateful that I heard or read
that listing gratitudes is meditation,
and as I seek God's will for my life today
I can make today better by stopping,
by thanking, by thinking,
by accepting I'm not burdened
by yesterday or tomorrow,
and I can be glad there's just today

to be glad.

Quit Knowing

deep in our hearts we “knew” God couldn’t help us with this area of our lives. It was this negative concept about God we had to change if we were to find recovery. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 210-211).

I know God doesn't have time
to worry about where I put the keys
or how much I will weigh if I fast
for a week. He's way too busy for that.
I know God doesn't agonize when I fail,
when I do something stupid,
when I fall on my face. He's got a universe
to run, a world to spin, the big things
all over the globe. How could God care
about what bothers me when it seems
puny, pitiful, even when I think of it,
so surely I can't pray to him, can't bother him.
Except I'm wrong. If I quit knowing
everything I just knowand accept the fact he's not limited,
not distracted, not disinterested...
If I don't know the things I really don't know
and don't handicap God when he needs none,
then I can know God's love, his care, and how he knows
me.

The Nature of the Prayer

It doesn't matter how you pray, just do it.
Yeah, sure. But what about what it says
about the second step?
What we were really asking God to do 
was remove our fat
while allowing us to go on eating
whatever we wanted,
whenever we wanted.*Yeah, there's that. The old,
I want a miracle and I want it NOW!Sure, we can say anything we want to God
but like anybody we talk to
we're more likely to get somewhere
if we're conversing, not lecturing.
God always knew I was fat.
He knew I didn't want to be,
that I'd be much obliged
if he just zapped it off,
made me perfect physically
and while he was at it 
gave me a better memory for names,
made me use my time more wisely,
granted me my every whim...
He knew. And he knew better.
Even when I didn't.
But he does know,
and when I'm reasonable,
communicating which includes
beaucoup listening and lots less
jabbering, then I really can receive
what I heartily desire, who I really want to be,
and not only I but the whole wide world
is the better for my doing it right.

* The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 204-205).

Whether of Not We Believed

Coming to believe was something that happened as we began taking actions which others told us had worked for them. Whether or not we believed these actions would work for us didn’t seem to matter. Once we took the action and saw it work, we began to believe. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, pp. 16-17

Just do it. We walk into this program
(or hobble, or come in wheelchairs,
with walkers, any way we can get there)
having done it our way for years.
And having proven conclusively 
that our way consistently fails.
We enter battered down, hopeless,
disgusted with us and everyone else,
with whatever god we had nodded to
or feared or ignored or scoffed at...
at wits end. And we found folks
who told stories that sounded like us
but they weren't like us, resembled us not!
And they were functional, happy, effective,
moving toward where they wanted to be.
They told us what they did 
and maybe we scoffed, probably we doubted,
but we had nothing better to offer
and – incredibly – it began to work for us
as we got better, found a modicum of self respect,
and accepted the truth not because it was believable
but because it changed us and we could believe
that.

In the Stream of Power

Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which animates all whom it floats, and you are without effort impelled to truth, to right, and a perfect contentment. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Swimming against the current is tough, of course.
Going with the flow? I've done it all my life,
but not catching the right flow, the desired flow,
the one going where I want to go. I always figured
for that it was necessary to swim against the current.
But that was from fear. I had to be in control
so I stayed near the bank, near the eddies,
the flotsam, the whirlpools. I'm learning.
Not to be afraid. Not to believe I can only rely on me.
To look around, to figure out where I want to go
and who can take me there, to latch on
and to be carried in gentle arms to a perfect contentment.

Keep Losing

Whoever heard of wanting to lose?
Well, probably nobody, but then again
joy over losing can well be in line
when you think of it, that each time you lose
you've put it out there, given it a shot,
gone on the line...and learned a bit.
You're not the same the next time you line up,
give it a go, and try for a win. And if you don't
then again, you've put it out there...and learned.
And as long as you keep on, try again,
be willing to learn, don't give up
then maybe this time you'll lose the streak
of losses and chalk one up in the wins.

Still Evil

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. ~ Jerry Garcia

Oh, I can't eat that, but thank you.
It does look so good! What's it called?
Such a nice color, and it smells delicious!
What does it taste like? Oh! Wow!
Well tell you what, I can't eat it,
but cut me just the tiniest slice
and let me give it a try.

(Then when nobody's looking,
a larger piece, held in hands
so it doesn't count as as serving.
And the next day, if I can't get that,
then something else! The trigger
has been pulled and I've GOT to have
my trigger food. All of them.
I'll be good next week! Maybe.)