Food in the Back Seat

I'm grateful that food's in the back seat in my life right now. ~ Lanaya B

Food in the car I know well…
driving from one fast food window
to another, eating it while driving,
driving long enough to eat it,
getting food any time I needed
to kill s few minutes before a meeting…
then discarding the traces in public cans
for they couldn't go in my dumpster.
There are times now I have food in the car,
returning from the grocery store,
taking a dish to a gathering,
transporting goodies from place to place.
Food I have a "need" to eat
before reaching a destination yields insanity.
But food out of the driver's seat
means recovery stands strong.

The Gift of Abstinence

Abstinence, a gift?
Would it feel like getting
a mop and a bucket?
Would it look like a diet book
or a membership to the latest,
the greatest – purportedly —
new program? Is abstinence
willpower? A diet?
A list of dos and don'ts?
Abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous
is the action of refraining
from compulsive eating
and compulsive food behaviors
while working towards
or maintaining a healthy body weight.
"The action of refraining."
How is refraining an action?
Action: the fact or process
of doing something,
typically to achieve an aim.Sounds like "just doing it."
Wouldn't that be a gift?
Eating right, a fact, a process?
Not an agony, a choice, a decision,
an excruciating source of failure?
That kind of abstinence...
yep, that's a gift, and more like
your heart's desire
than a mop and a bucket.

I Said I Would

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.~ Robert Frost

May fourth, coming up four years ago.
Nine hundred seventy-one times.
A poem a day. Some days it was a challenge,
travelling, poor connections, hospitalized,
head-over-heels in life. Some days easy,
something gripped me, told me it was right
for "tomorrow." It's been right for my recovery,
the thing I most needed to do, to hear, to know.
Then there are these days, since the kids left,
just hubby and me, and he's sick, so just me.
And I've gotten later and later, three days straight.
The poem, not written the night before,
later and later. Today? No inspiration, no desire…
But there's value, even without impulse.
What's worth doing is worth doing,
want to or not.

God Loves Us

We failed to understand that God loves us in our totality and is willing and able to help us in everything we do, that God will help us with every decision, even food choices and amounts. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 214-215)

Jesus loves me, this I know…
but do I? I expect God's guidance,
when I get around to asking for it,
but who am I to bother him
with less than life-threatening,
momentous things? Do I treat him
like I did those folks I used to describe
"They think I'm their friend."
Do I doubt my ability
to merit human friendship
much less divine? It's a stupid attitude,
a self-centered position.
It's easy enough a child can understand,
"Jesus loves me, this I know."

Walking Through

We spend January 1^st walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives...not looking for flaws, but for potential. ~ Ellen Goodman

Inventory. Dreaded,
tedious, embarrassing,
fear-full. But when searching,
those positive character traits
may come to life, may shine.
Inventory need not show only bad,
but how many things have changed,
what has gone right, what progress
we've made without conscious thought.

Boxing Day

The day for giving gifts
to people who serve,
to the less fortunate.
A day for appreciation,
for folks who make life better.
A day for thank yous,
for phone calls, for love...
a day for gratitude
for good things past,
for a loving Power who can,
for life that grows better
and fuller and richer.

Christmas on a Food Plan

Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store. ~ Dr. Seuss

How can we have Christmas
without candy and pie,
without hot rolls and biscuits,
a bounteous feast in ample supply?
What do you do as you sit to a feast
and it's not on your food plan,
all the treats made from yeast?
How do you eat different from all of the clan?
Your friends all drop by with a cake or a pie,
with a box full of chocolate or a wonderful flan.
The parties are watered with beer, wine, mai tai...
just how do you keep from discarding your plan?
Hey, it's  Christmas, so give me a break.
Won't it be best if I ditch it one day?
But it's Christmas, it's real, not a fake.
It's for worship, for family, the abstinent way.

Different Realities

The overweight individual looks at the model-thin person
and longs for the svelte body never seeing anorexia,
unable to imagine addiction to laxatives, purging
to maintain the illusion. The class clown, robust and rotund,
seems the life of the party but cowers inside, afraid to reveal
the pain, the shame of the extra weight. The healthy body weight
Pete maintains may seem effortless, a gift...but he obsesses
over food, thinks only of what he just ate, what he's eating,
what he will eat, when, whether he can afford to, what it will be...
We with compulsive food behaviors live lives of quiet desperation
believing virtually everyone better adjusted, possessing greater willpower
than we have. Then we have the chance, by chance, the courage,
the luck to meet others. And when we hear our stories from their mouths
we can finally understand what we saw as reality was less than real.
Then with comfort from knowing we're not alone, we find out
how alike we are.

What Next Step?

 We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1243-1244).

Doesn't the Big Book skip something?

Even if we're "shown" – what we? ME!

Even if I'm "shown" how the heck do I know?

Oh. Maybe it's the start of that sentence,

those words "meditation" and "prayer."

If I skip that part, does it make it tougher

to hear about that next right step?

Believe

If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I'm powerless.
A necessary admission,
an acknowledgement
of my inherent power.
I am powerless.
My life has proved it,
my lists of things to do
shredded by time and innuendo.
I am powerless. But we don't stop
with the admission.
We step ahead, to begin to believe
a greater power can restore sanity,
can make me as real as the velveteen rabbit.
We make a decision to claim the power,
to accept that, powerless still,
we can access real power
if we only believe.

Puzzled

Like a crossword puzzle
with study and slow, steady work
the way it all interacts,
fits together, makes an intricate whole...
gradually reveals itself.
One answer balances another,
supplies clues, narrows it down...
Reading a passage in the Big Book,
talking about a step around a table,
hearing your story from other mouths,
discovering that missing letter,
that nuance that had evaded...
When the community works
the same puzzle, some know idioms, slang,
some bring life experiences that illuminate,
some have religious experiences,
others holy doubt, blatant suspicion.
But together the community makes it work,
novices helping oldtimers, those with decades
walking hand in hand with newcomers,
all solving the puzzle to find answers,
a treasure greater because it's shared.

Guilty Here.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” (Galatians 2:21-NIV)

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But there is One who has all power—that One is God. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 906-908).

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 Who would choose to set grace aside?
God's unmerited love...
would you decline just because
you had not earned it,
it felt like charity?
(Insert graphic,
hand raised, guilty.)
A being possessing all power?
Who would not seek out and find
this greatest of great,
this source of, well, all power?
But how intimidating, how humiliating...
who would decline to search for the source?
(Insert graphic,
hand raised, guilty.)
The law I understand,
the give and take,
punishment for failure,
judgment for those who prove
they deserve it...
beyond a reasonable doubt.
Who expects justice through the law?
(Insert graphic,
hand raised, guilty.)

God, I'm drawn to wrong answers
but they don't give me peace, happiness.
Teach me to accept grace, to seek
the source of all power,
and to know the law gains me nothing.

Which Way to Run

Don't run from a challenge. Instead run toward it because the only way to escape fear is to trample it beneath your feet. ~ Nadia Comaneci

When fear tells you to run
that's fine, but the direction
is open to choice. Standing
to fight may be best sometimes,
and occasionally wisdom directs
flight, escape. But is it wisdom always
to turn and run? If the bugaboo
will be there when we return,
and returning is required,
might it not be best to face the beast,
to charge on our terms, to launch attack?
If we've got the face it finally
to dismiss procrastination,
to grip the offense, rids us of the fear
we must confront leaving grace
and peace instead of dread to come.

The Newcomer

She came in today, first meeting,
December 17^th. Tough time,
a week before Christmas Eve.
Who starts Overeaters Anonymous then??
Well, I did. Seven years ago.
The best decision I ever made.
The whole world starts a diet
fifteen days later, the reasonable day.
But those fifteen days, twenty-one thousand
six hundred minutes...
That much recovery can be the very best gift
of the Christmas season.
I know. For I came into the rooms
December 17, 2006.
Recovery happens the day it happens
not when we decide to will it to.

"No" Is a Complete Sentence

I make my own decisions,
and explanations,
justifications, apologies
are seldom needed.
I have the right to choose,
and when I do, a simple yes or no
meets all criteria.
I have nothing to explain,
no softening the blow,
to make you feel good about it.
When I say no, I’m looking out for myself,
refusing to gossip, independently able to think.
I may do what I choose so long as not cheating,
not breaking rules, not the decision made
for years of crises to come.
I have the right to decide
no matter what my education, my prestige.
I have the right to say no without explanation,
all on my own, without feelings of inadequacy
and refusal to practice my own disease.
I have the right to get in the car
and drive away with a simple “No”
as all the explanation needed.

Happy, Joyous and Free

We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery... ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 133

Life's not designed to be drudgery,
not a series of tasks to get through.
Life is for giggling, for skipping,
for dancing, for happiness.
Thanksgiving is for giving thanks,
for gratitude, for serenity if not giddiness.
When we use special days to revert
to the ways we left behind
we find not freedom, not joy,
but the vale of tears we've left.
Thanksgiving should be a day
when our actions point forward
to the joy we desire,
not to what we left behind.
Live happy, joyous and free each day.

sending love your way

No Peace on Earth

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
"For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)

Peace belongs to us.
Lack of peace we own.
When I individually
stand aligned with good,
with good will, with peace,
I live in a spirit of calm —
I have peace.
But when I squat in misery,
when I blame and pout and hate
while the tranquility around me
resides permanently
it's lost to me. But when I pause,
when I dare to ask,
when I'm willing to find peace
the angels trumpet in the sky
the message of peace on earth.

To as Opposed to With

When you talk to people you get to know them more than when you're just with them. ~ Manny Carneir0

Real talk — vocal, sure,
but email, texting, postal mail...
The earnest exchange of ideas,
one speaks, then the other,
without spending time thinking
and waiting for them to stop...
Communication between individuals
lets us understand who they are
and in doing that, we learn who we are...

Measured by My Friends

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. ~ John F. Kennedy

When I was in the food

my friends were as well…

or they weren't my friends.

I didn't want to eat with those

who took two bites of dessert

and were too full to finish

(well, unless they were close enough

they shoved it to me then.)

When I saw others who sat buffets

as dares, or family packs

as single portions, I felt normal.

But when I found out what normal

really is, I left those who wanted me

to eat to break the chair.

I found out how to look at me

and not at those around me

who made my bad look good.

 

Loving Them Back

At the same time my sponsor and other old-timers who had taken us under their wings loved us back to rejoin society. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 5^th edition, page 443

Broken people, unable to love,
refusing to accept the idea
anyone might actually feel such warmth,
might receive them, might care.
But hope remains, embodied in those
walking the path ahead, but still in step
with newcomers, side by side,
sharing the love. And it's that force
embodied in those who've been loved,
who can love because of their receipt,
who have the power, the honor,
to love those hurting souls
back into the world of dreams come true.

Supreme Sacrifice

There are many situations which arise out of the phenomenon of craving which cause men to make the supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 187-188)

To give up your life,
to make the supreme sacrifice.
Usually we use the term
in situations of nobility,
of heroism. But the ultimate
sacrifice can be tragic, futile,
wasted, letting go, tossing away.
Ultimate just means last.
Sacrifice when describing life
means death. And the mortality
can come from excess, from depravity,
from addiction to alcohol, to drugs,
or to food... When we reach the point
on no longer wanting to fight
it's the supreme sacrifice
even if asinine...

All You Need to Begin

Thus we grow. And so can you, though you be but one man with this book in your hand. We believe and hope it contains all you will need to begin. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 2041-2042)

We can want more meetings,
situated convenient to us.
We can chafe at the times,
how they could better fit schedules.
We can resent those around us,
not having the recovery we wish,
giving us a role model,
effectively sponsoring us,
working a strong program.
We can yearn for a better recovery
all around us, or we can take
the wisdom of the steps
and make them our trail.

Bandidos and Cossacks

Broad daylight,
rival gangs,
outside families dining.
Knives and motorcycles,
blood and bandages.
Does anyone remember the hurt,
the resentment,
being addressed this afternoon?

Dependence on God

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job—wife or no wife—we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1319-1321)

When I get my life straightened out
I'll turn to God. He couldn't like me now…
I don't even like myself. But when I get a job,
get my marriage straightened out,
get out of my addiction, then I'll be fine,
then I'll be worthy of having God bother.
And if I do it that way, I'll keep on keeping on
the way I've been going. If I have to clean it up
before I can give it to God, it will hold the filth,
smell to high heavens. But when I give up,
when I ditch the false pride, when I find bottom,
then a God willing to embrace me just the way I am
shows up to do for me what I could not do alone.

Mind if I slog along with you?

Never Forbidding

To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men. ~Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 738-739)

God doesn't wear disguises,
but his biographers miss the point,
paint a picture not recognizable
by any who know his true nature.
God doesn't wear disguises,
but his servants understand him
in different ways, diverse roles,
meeting various needs.
God doesn't wear disguises,
but he has assorted names,
is served in numerous ways
in sundry cultures.
God doesn't wear disguises,
but he's available to be seen
by each person in the way that one
can understand him.

Each Other

Perhaps it didn't matter if they faced in different directions as long as they faced each other. ~ Diana Gabaldon

Your program is not my program,
your food plan differs from mine.
My higher power would be vilified
in the church of your choice,
and your congregation pray for my soul.
You and I would never meet
in the social circles we know,
but we're family here — family of choice.
With you I can walk the steps,
can find strength and hope in what you say,
can understand you on a level so deep
it rocks my foundation of all I know.
You and I are in this together,
and it doesn't matter that in many areas
we face in different directions.
Here, we face each other
with hugs and understanding.

Abstinence Is an Action

Abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous is the action of refraining from compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight.  ~ Overeaters Anonymous Statement on Abstinence and Recovery

Abstinence is an action.
Abstinence is not wishing,
not planning to,
not the answer for prayers
dropped in our lap,
not talking about,
not exerting willpower
and gritting our way through,
not merely deciding to surrender.
Abstinence happens when surrender does,
when willingness happens,
when a plan of eating is followed
relying on a greater power.
Abstinence is doing.
Abstinence is an action.

When, Then

When I have the willingness to admit I don't have the willingness, that's when my program works. ~ Jim H

Tenuous hold on recovery,
one step further removed
from willingness to be willing,
but the willingness to admit
not to having it.
But it's that honesty,
saying where you are no matter where,
admitting the lack of being there
and the inability to give up not...
Then acknowledging that you might
have the will to give up your will
to taste recovery.

 

 

 

 

The Firing Line

Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1369-1371)

The firing line,
where temptation awaits,
where old fears and demons
dominate.
We don't want to dare
to venture into iniquity's dens
like all-you-can-eat buffets
for a compulsive eater,
beer busts for an alcoholic,
a major casino for a gambling addict…
But if we're called to go
to do service, to carry the message,
to move the fellowship forward,
then it's easy, no problem.
So long as the reason is real
we can actually walk through
the valley of fire.

The Triumphant Arch

Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 917-919).

The keystone of the new and triumphant arch.
The central stone, the key meaning
the one without which it falls apart.
The keystone is the primacy of God,
the submission to the Power as understood.
This is the concept that makes
the triumphant arch work.
The bedrock on which it's built
is the realization of being powerless,
giving up on doing it ourselves.
The foundation is willingness,
accepting the idea of turning all over
to a god of our understanding
with a cornerstone of believing
in such a god.
The stones are held together by that spirit
like shared by shipwrecked victims
after a common peril.
Through this arch, the stones the steps,
we walk triumphantly to freedom
and life worth living.

Against the Wind

It's quite windy. Last night on my run I thought I was just well fueled and rested. Then I turned to come back. Oh. The killer tail wind out made me speedy. The way back made me stronger though. ~ Maureen Gibbons

Smooth sailing, easy running,
on a roll. Good feel, happy times.
But the times of growth,
the progression to the next level,
comes against the wind, fighting,
struggling, overcoming.
And in the end life is better
if some of it goes against the wind.