Don't Give Up

I might mess up but I don't have to give up. ~ Stephanie

Making a mistake
can make me feel like
a mistake, bury head,
run away, at least by setting aside,
moving on, forgetting to remember
to take it back up.
But it's no worse than the mistake
I've felt, known myself to be,
worthy of working with,
having honor and merit.

His Smile Is a Gift

His smile is a gift. ~ BBC story speaking of a hermit

Wealth, property, intelligence...
we know these have value,
can benefit those whose paths we cross.
Yet what else do we have
with which to bless? A smile,
kind words, a prayer, a hand,
a simple courtesy.
A twelfth step call,
service.

Any Given Day

Today the day given me
will be spent driving
some eight hours,
a trip that once
would have been marked
by what Dairy Queen
rightly branded "Texas Stop Signs."
Today the day given me
will find pleasure in nature,
in sights seen, in solitude,
in feeding my body
what feeds my soul —
and I'll see no blizzard.

The Leaks

If it's not leaking you don't have any oil, you better check it. ~ Steve Hood (speaking of Harleys at a low point more than thirty years ago)

Itches, glitches, twitches
all come naturally, part of life.
If something's not wrong,
are you dead? Ideal isn't natural...
We can ignore them,
pamper them, eat over them,
cover them up, distract,
deny. But when we're right,
aligned with the Power,
walking in recovery,
we just scratch or patch and smile.

Everyone...

Every one, each,
grouped together,
no room for variance,
no uniqueness,
just the group.
But each, singled out,
separate, unique?
Why am I uncomfortable
either way? But I'm an everyone
in the rooms of recovery,
more than willing to be one in many.
Outside the rooms,
nothing can make me
not be alone, isolated,
desolate in my unmanageable
life.

Good Enough

...not because I am good but because God is good. ~ Dennis Ferry

Woe is me, that which I would do
I do not. That which I would not do
I'm all into. The good girl role
my chosen path and accomplished
at least somewhat – enough to fool some
most perhaps but not me and not God.
I can't earn respect nor merit repute
but I get it undeserved unearned
unworthily. I'm nothing and yet
I'm made by God
claimed by God
blessed by God
made whole by God
who's good enough to make me right.

Lying to God

You can’t pray a lie. ~ Mark Twain

Admitting to ourselves, to God,
and to another human being...
It seems scary to tell another,
raises all kinds of fear to see yourself,
but somehow we figure God knows,
can't be fooled, maybe isn't much present
since he's tough to see. Yes, it's hard
to tell a lie to God. But there's always
the next best thing...
run away. Hide. Don't remember
that meditation bit, the prayer time,
reading things that might pull us in.
Folks have tried that for millennia...
and it's never worked. Not for Jonah,
for Adam and Eve, for the woman
who touched Jesus' robe...
God's there, even when we ignore him,
and he hears us
even when we don't mean to pray
and he's satisfied with our sitting there,
aware he's there, asking for willingness
to pray.

In Case of Slipping

You eat your food plan
a week, two, or a few days
to find for no reason
you don't. You slip, you rebel,
you say you have no idea
of why, of what could cause
the lapses, the thwarting, rebellion.
No, you don't, but you could...
Really follow the plan, work the Steps,
surrender, feel the feelings
and as you feel them, write them down
to learn the why you couldn't.

Arson

Finding recovery
building a life
repairing relationships
discovering peace
by following a few simple rules
is at best a tenuous construction
subject to sabotage,
not through acts of others
but of the recipient
when failure to hold on
rekindles the flames
of addiction, of depravity
setting the old insanity ablaze.

Beyond

Wistfulness was my natural state,
looking over the rainbow,
having caught glimpses
once in a lullaby. Someday,
somehow, happiness waited.
Looking for a path mysterious
as being zapped by a tornado
it always seemed a never-never land.
Then the path appeared
in hints, in tales of others —
real folk who made it,
who got there, who knew the way —
who told of twelve steps
to get there, to find a new normal
beyond.

Now!

Give it to me, give it to me,
I want it NOW, God.
There are promises,
affirmations, results
for working this program,
for surrendering, for obeying.
I've done what I can...
surely you who know all
know that... It's just not right
for you to hold back
on the promises
just waiting for me
to more fully do
what you expect
of me.

I Am

I am not nothing.
I am worthy,
deserving, real.
It is within my right...
No! It is my right
to be treated as worthy
even by myself.

If I Want It

All the promises of recovery can be mine if I want them. This program shows me what to do. For Today (Kindle Location 1671).

How can you want something
and simultaneously not?
How can something glorious
be just within reach, so close,
so desirable...but habit, custom,
fear stops you, makes you mutter,
"Wait a minute. When I finish
this need to rebel, this egotism,
this procrastination" —
Oh, yes, I crave it, long for it,
but not just yet. Not now.
But hold on to me and keep close
so I can want it more than I crave
what I've always trusted instead...

Up Your Standards

Good enough.
Physical recovery
without the emotional,
the spiritual. Settling.
We who felt worthless,
who could not acknowledge
a right to exist,
we who drew our being
from the judgment of others...
We who have no concept
of our potential dare not —
without intervention
from a greater power —
have no idea how high
our standards, our growth,
our achievements, our recovery
just might be.

Infestation

Swarms of them!
Everywhere I go
I'm surrounded
by sweet treats,
by advertisements,
by relatives and friends
insisting I take
"just one bite..."
"I made it just for you..."
"But it's your favorite!"
Now, though, I have pest control
and take one serving
of serenity, of sobriety,
of hope and fly
beyond my wildest dreams
to peace from any infestation.

Humble Beginnings

Anecdotal, the nascence. One man sober

a few short weeks - talks to another
of self-crafted gods, of hope, and in December -
a few weeks - change staked a claim forever.

Struggles for a while, the first returned to drink,
the second fanatically evangelizing sots

failed - but kept clean. Discouraged, stopped to think,

and sought a drunk to share his tale and thoughts.

And Bill and Dr. Bob conversed for hours

aiding their friend in grasping, in growing,

in believing. And little by slow the powers

of submission brought millions to knowing.

How much can come of a twelfth-step call

when we act with faith no matter how small.

Insides vs. Outsides

I know my insides, the trauma, doubt, fear.
I see your outsides, serene, cheerful, confident.
Now you share your insides with me,
the trauma, doubt, fear...
and how you see me as leading, perceptive, aware.
The comparison between ins and outs
is like apples and watches — not valid to match up.
From now own I'll stick with my insides,
my outsides, the only things I can change
and know you, love you, so I keep on knowing
my insides lie.

Broken Strand

A string of days
one day at a time
woven to weeks
then months
then to years.
A string of days
become the given,
no need for diligence,
for adding,
for pulling in new strands.
A string of days
shortened by forgetting
it's a daily reprieve
contingent...

Suffering

Everything is relative.
An aching tooth or a broken heart,
a serving too much of healthy food
or a few dozen days of insane satiation.
Everything is relative among us.
With God, though, it's not.
Changeless, dependable, available.
He removes our fear, holds our hand,
shows his presence as we go through,
trusting him all the way or none.
But the only trust necessary from us
is a decision to give him a chance,
to try the straight, narrow way
where the needed Relative takes our hand
or carries us.

Erstwhile Erratic Alcoholics

Our Society then entered a fearsome and exciting adolescent period. The test that it faced was this: Could these large numbers of erstwhile erratic alcoholics successfully meet and work together? Would there be quarrels over membership, leadership, and money? Would there be strivings for power and prestige? Would there be schisms which would split A.A. apart? ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Foreword to the Second Edition

Erstwhile. An archaic adverb.
Erstwhile binging purging restricting
addicted eaters, once upon a time
in lala-land.
Erratic. Not even or regular
in pattern, in movement, unpredictable.
Capable of stinking thinking, of willfulness,
of moments sublime.
Addicts. Forever and always addicted
even when freed of the clutches long years,
able to plunge back into insanity
or rise to heights beyond wildest dreams...

Excited!

Get excited about what's next. ~ Julie T

We make our own tomorrow —
anticipating trouble, it comes.
We make our own tomorrow —
knowing joy, it spreads.
Dread or eagerly await
a self-defined prophesy.
So live expecting good,
knowing even pain
confronts the power we bring...
a Power sufficient to match the pain.

Abundance

All I saw was restriction, restriction, restriction. But after being here for four years already, it hit me that I get to define with God the plan that works with me. ~ Lanaya B

I open the computer
and know a favorite site
holds a game for today,
one that soon will say
I've already played for today.
I need to play it —
disaster could strike
and I might miss a day.
That's deprivation talking,
scarcity, the need to hoard.
But the supply is not limited;
it's abundant. Each day's
serving is poured out
like manna, but just one day.
When I look at limitations
in entertainment, food,
books, relationships...
When I see the grace,
the abundance, the good
fears will cease and
peace abound.

Hold that Hope

You've walked
the twelve-step path,
grown in peace
and sanity.
You've glimpsed
possibilities,
touched your dreams...
Now, when firm ground
trembles, faith erodes,
remember serenity,
trust the process,
hold on to hope.

Over

We come together
a community, loving strangers
close friends on meeting.
We leave, agenda complete
away from the us to the me.
The decompression,
descending from the heights
returning to a normal
no longer snug.

Can we carry recovery with us
or are we destined
to fall back into shape
of a world we’d rather never?

Not Auditing the Class

Too long I've let things slide,
getting by, doing enough
but wow, man, that's not enough!
This one counts,
this one's make or break,
this can sum it all up to score big
but coasting's crashing, bombing,
instant death. If I don't make the mark
I've not a hope of life worth keeping on.
I'll stay the course, full steam ahead,
the next right step, a smart salute,
and send up thanks for the wake-up call
that this one's the whole equation.

Tentative

Hello! Are you looking for Overeaters Anonymous?
You've come to the right place.
Welcome! I'm Beth, that's Joe and Meg.
How often has the script played itself out
as one more time a brave soul
desperate and filled with fear
has taken that first tentative step
toward completion?

I Love to Tell My Story

Why would I want to remember
the bad old days, days of shame,
years of isolation, of self-loathing,
of insanity and powerlessness,
of despair? How could I describe
fear, resentment, surrendering
to my baseness, to my depravity?
Isn't it just more self-destruction?
So it would seem, but no!
Not at all. My story, not just the bad,
but adding the recovery, the victory,
the hope and peace and joy!
When the whole is told, when others hear
and find hope as they see someone kin
who found answers, a way out...
then there is joy not just in the hearing
but in the telling as well!

Hunger Satisfied

Cravings and hunger differ,
but who would have thought it?
Always, it was food I turned to
to placate my turmoil, to comfort,
to fix all the ails everywhere.
But that hunger was false,
a cruel bait and switch.
Only when I grasped the truth,
when I found the answer
merely rebuked the question,
only when I looked first
to a power greater than I...
Only then was the hunger finally sated.

On My Own Deceits

When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in front of them all, “You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?..." (Galatians 2:14 NIV)

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Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

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It is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery. Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 94)

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Hypocrite!

Pretender! Phony!

A sanctimonious sham!

Was Peter deceitful?

Are we all when we claim

to disown selfishness

but recruit for our own benefit?

Others may be – it's not my concern.
What matters is my fraud,
writing such truths when mostly
they're to tutor me,
to school me in my own deceits.
I hear myself share what I wish to be true,
what I strive to receive,
what I know awaits me
when at long last
I lay down my piety
and finally figure out
surrender.

Forgive me my hypocrisy, God.
Please give me true faith.

You Can't Unknow

But what I told her what she as a normie can't see is that he has no insight. Because once you know you cannot unknow. He slides into his oblivion and sees this as happiness. ~ Patricia Martin

Backsliding, relapse,
falling off wagons,
sliding, skipping meetings,
back to square one...
but not really,
not the square one.
No matter how we may wish
to escape, to go back,
to run away to our scourge
we can't, not totally.
We know somehow —
before we know anything else —
there's no going back
to powerless, hopeless,
unmanageable once we've glimpsed
the power that can,
the recovery waiting for us
at the meeting.