Living or Dying

I couldn't go on living the way I was dying. ~ Gary

A country song talks of living
like you were dying,
of letting go and going for broke,
doing both at the same time,
emphasis on life.
But addiction makes living
the same as dying, both at a time
but dying can't come soon enough.
It's not the dying that makes living
tantalizing, challenging, a thrill...
It's a life rid of meaninglessness,
soaring on powerlessness
that makes dying bearable,
acceptable, a part of living
despite the fact we're all dying
but – please – not now!

God's Flag

God says, "It's got to be my flag, I don't salute anybody's flag." (I can't figure out where I copied this from, but probably something on the radio.)

Respect is earned, merited,
tied to the recipient —
what they've done and are.
God told Hebrews not to swear
on what they could not control
but he swore on his name
for there was no higher.
We honor flags of nations,
states, even universities
but cringe when our president
bows to other leaders
for he is us, he is not less
than any other leader
for we are not less
than their nations.
It's all a continuum,
honoring higher,
acknowledging equal.
Yet we try to make God
our servant, set his agenda.
We ask his salute
of our flag,
oblivious to our need
to salute his.

Phony Respectability

Self-righteousness, the very thing that we had contemptuously condemned in others, was our own besetting evil. This phony form of respectability was our undoing, so far as faith was concerned. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 30.

I hate people like me.
I see their weaknesses
and despise them, loathe them,
mock them. It's taken years
and at times humiliation
to figure out these defects
bug me most in others
because I try to hard
to hide them when I stare
at my reflection in their lives.

Receiving Grace

The love of God and man we understood not at all. Therefore we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 31.

Grace, the gift of God,
unasked for, undeserved,
without catches or gotchas.
So how can it not be received?
"Incapable of receiving enough grace"
seems illogical, impossible,
a puzzlement.
A gift. How does a gift happen?
Is the giving what makes it so?
Can it be a gift if refused, if disdained,
if ignored? If I do not possess the largesse
at the transaction's end
maybe a gift was given (the intent there)
but not received (choice here)
and without changing the giver's kindness
the would-be receiver stands giftless.

Haunted

We suffer primarily not from our vices or our weaknesses, but from our illusions. We are haunted, not by reality, but by those images we have put in place of reality. ~ Daniel J. Boorstin

Seeing through a glass darkly.
Darkened with my illusions,
my fears, my misplaced trust.
Yesterday's resentments,
distress, self-sufficiency,
the gloom of pride —
they cloud lenses, blind eyes.
When the clutter is clear-cut
just truth remains. Apparitions
of pride and folly fade away
as a dawning day
reveals the madness of believing
what our foolish minds most feared.

Tests and Testimony

You can't have a testimony without a test. ~ NPR interview about The Sisterhood

The Big Book says the drunk's past
becomes the whole family's asset —
the main one, a treasure.
Kneeling at the porcelain altar,
drunken driving, brawls, blackouts?
Other addictions, too. Pornography.
Eating nonstop for days, lying, cheating,
betting the house. We want to hide,
to disguise, to change.
And change we do!
But we keep the assets,
the wretched past, Addict's Exhibit A,
and show-and-tell each chance we get,
the test we failed set against the one we passed
when we gave up, surrendered control,
and lived to tell the tales.

Forget Leading

The individual never asserts himself more than when he forgets himself. ~ André Gide

Behave confidently,
speak with authority,
take a stand by stepping out.
Assert yourself,
without seeking attention...
Age-old truth, “A leader is best
when people barely know he exists,"
when those led believe
they did it themselves.
How can this be leading?
Maybe it's following Truth,
showing up,
listening,
and doing right.

A leader is best when people barely know he exists — not so good when people obey and acclaim him. Worse when they despise him. But of a good leader, who talks little, when his work is done—his aim fulfilled, they will say, "We did it ourselves.” ~ Lao Tse

Stepping Out of Myself

With the twelve steps of recovery, I have stepped out of myself. ~ For Today (Kindle Location 232).

Funny how one body
can feel so huge but so small,
so inadequate, so worthless.
But still, no matter how restrictive
it felt, it was my whole world.
Making people appreciate me,
directing others so they do things right —
my way. The body was my whole world.
But that's in the past. Little did I know
when I "walked" these Steps
the path would lead to the great beyond,
that as I realized how little I could control
the world world opened up
beyond myself.

In a Sandbox

Work right now is like playing in a sandbox. ~ Jeffrey Rollins

Remember sandboxes?
Have you played on the beach?
I've seen intricate castles,
clever creations of sand
bound only by moisture.
My sand, undisciplined,
like a toddler's drawing
beside Mona Lisa.
What's in your sandbox?
Do you find joy in shaping,
liberation in strewing?
Or is sandbox play drudgery,
another opportunity
for self-deprecation?
Do you look at a sandbox
from the inside out
or from the outside in?

On the Firing Line

...so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed. ~  Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1369-1371).

Helpful. Our main purpose
is being helpful,
maximum service to God
and the people about us.
Okay. Sure. And for this
we seek out the sordid spots,
keep on the firing line of life?
Willingness is one thing —
where does it say we find
foolhardiness? Pshaw.
We come with that,
rode it to the rooms.
We're ready to be seen
heroing, riding to the rescue,
playing the dramatic lead.
Difference here, though,
is doing it not for us,
far from seeking glory,
but simply – dramatically —
doing service!

Humility First

By their example they showed us that humility and intellect could be compatible, provided we placed humility first. When we began to do that, we received the gift of faith, a faith which works. This faith is for you, too. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 30.

I'm smart. I need you to know that.
I'll do everything I can to tell you,
to convince you, to sell you
my only claim to self-esteem.
Oh, I know you'll argue, list attributes
besides the brains, but I don't trust them,
don't believe you.
Please don't tell me the only way out
is to abandon that, to humble myself,
to give up the pretense that I'm okay.
How can you suggest I stand here,
naked, without my shield, just me.
Can't I hold on to my honors, and just add
a bit of decorum? Just act humble?
Do you mean I really can't rely on me
and call it faith?

Many Rooms

Pi: "Catholic Hindus get to feel guilty before hundreds of gods!"...
Pi: “Faith is a house with many floors.”
Writer: “But no room for doubt?”
Pi: “Oh yes! On every floor.” ~ Dialogue, The Life of Pi

God as we understand him.
Or them. Ebby told Bill,
"Why don't you choose
your own conception of God?"
But making up your own god
is blasphemous – by definition!
Guilt comes so naturally,
why elicit more? But what if
the new rings true while the old
echoes? Doesn't any god worthy
the name have the capacity
to welcome honest inquiry,
to deal with creative theology?
How can we understand
a god not of our understanding?

Under My Feet

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance. The wise grows it under his feet. ~ James Oppenheim

Somewhere over the rainbow
bluebirds sing. Things look bright.
That's where I want to be.
If only, when, someday,
¡Ojalá que sí!
Wishing my life away,
waiting for tomorrows
that never come.
With or without a rainbow,
here and now are mine,
malleable, claimable.
I will grab hold of today
and make my rainbow.

Personal Powerlessness

Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turns out to be firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built. ~ Page 21, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 21.

Bedrock, the foundation,
stability in a chaotic world.
Rock bottom. A precious start.
How can it be the same
as personal powerlessness?
It's personal powerlessness
We dig away to find the bedrock...
all my determination to fix it,
to do it myself, my stubborn streak,
my self-sufficiency —
when these are shoved aside,
dismissed as drivel,
recognized as ineffectual
then the bedrock appears
and recovery can be built.

Stubborn #%@!%^

The only reason step one was hard for me is that I'm one stubborn son.... ~ Josh C

Stubborn doesn't fit with admitting
powerlessness, unmanageability.
Stubborn presents as obstinate,
headstrong, perverse. Pigheaded.
Used to protect treasured
false personalities,
to roadblock any change.
Stubborn treasures ideas,
desires no matter how foolish,
despite knowledge, down deep,
they're stupid.
Life is change. Recovery is change.
Stubborn tosses out life
and recovery.

The Oxygen Mask Rule

I'm not doing it FOR someone else, really. But putting your own oxygen mask on first is key, as is helping someone else. ~ Maureen Gibbons

I'm spent my life rescuing,
fixing, seeing to.
I'd always see to your needs —
isn't that what a proper
Southern
woman does?
Only problem is
it doesn't work.
If I'm dying, cannot breathe,
how can I see to your needs?

Usefully Whole

A.A.'s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 15

A group. Objects forming a design,
things close together, considered jointly.
Individual pieces making a whole, united.
Principles. Fundamental truths,
the foundation, natural law —
a chain of reasoning.
Practice. What gets you
to Carnegie Hall. Or to recovery.
A way of life. Not some sideline,
some hobby, some diversion.
The root of our being, of life.
Expelling obsession to drink,
to eat, to binge or purge,
to gorge when nobody's looking
and wishing we weren't either.
Expelling all that, tossing out,
ejecting, banishing, not just hiding.
Turning the sufferer —
who maybe just learned of the pain —
but enabling that person —
allowing, equipping, empowering
a transformation from victim,
from scum, from useless
to happily, usefully whole!

Bill W., author of Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

Worthiness

We mistake busyness for worthiness, perhaps. Let’s remember we are always worthy in God’s eyes. It’s the ego that labels us unworthy. ~ Karen Casey

Like the lepers of old
banned from society,
forbidden to touch,
required to proclaim
"Unclean, unclean"
on meeting anyone...
But self-condemned,
declared without consultation,
a suspicion growing inside
the lack of any proof
immaterial...
We deny our worthiness
and in so doing
deny the deity of He
who proclaims
our worth.

Feeling Feelings

I no longer need to be anesthetized; I can stand still and feel my feelings. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 137-138).

Boredom requires no concoction
featuring sugar, flour, nuts.
Fear doesn't need apple fritters
to build up courage, seem confident.
A few extra minutes in the car
tied to dread of being early —
insecurity in small talk —
requires no convenience store spree.
Anger demanding eating at him
punishes nobody but me.
To reward myself for eating right
I should try a pause for beauty
not found in a Blizzard cup.
I can stand to feel my feelings
and the lack of guilt resounds,
a heavenly melody of feeling.

Living in Ugly

We talked of intolerance, while we were intolerant ourselves. We missed the reality and the beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some its trees. We never gave the spiritual side of life a fair hearing. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Kindle Locations 775-776

I can't see beauty when I hate,
feel love when jealousy rages,
appreciate when I denigrate.
Until I choose to explore,
not just justify, rationalize,
debate...
Until I choose to explore,
to open myself to possibles,
to set aside prejudice,
to abandon favorite platitudes
then I'll live in ugly,
surrounded by hateful.

ISM not WASM

I suffer from alcoholism. I don't suffer from alcoholwasm. ~ Patti O

Recovery is not done
when addiction's bite
is minus teeth, lies dormant.
Compulsive is mobile,
powerless spans facets,
obsession meanders then camps.
Keep coming back
not just till you get it...
Keep coming back
to keep it.

A Car that Drives Itself

A car that drives itself... I don't know if I like that, I'm not ready to give up that control. ~ Wanda

Made a decision
to turn our will and our lives

over to the care of God...

You've GOT to be kidding?
Let go, completely?
Hands up, feet in mid air,
just SIT there???
I offer myself to Thee
to build with me
and to do with me...
Okay. Not kidding.
Not a hypothetical.
Give it up.
Give it up...

A Hundred Nights

Ninety days and a hundred nights without Taco Bell ~ Gary

Nights are the hardest
while the whole world sleeps
and compulsive eaters sigh relief
and head for the secret stash,
for the sweets set aside,
for that extra sack of chips.
Nights are the time when nobody sees
when comfort waits, when cravings reign.
Until we learn that God's right there
lit by the refrigerator light
waiting for a filament of despair,
a crumb of willingness.

Whatever Turns to It

The Infinite Goodness has such wide arms that it takes whatever turns to it. ~ Dante Alighieri

I've been a whatever.
I've lived in a food fog,
loathed myself like a slug.
I have sought solace blindly,
flailing, falling, thrashing.
I have widely missed the mark,
but I'll stand forever grateful
proclaiming the implausible love
with arms stretched wide enough
to snare me, reel me in,
bring me to the warm embrace
of Infinite Goodness.

Those Who Care the Most

Those of us closest to the alcoholic suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. ~ Al-Anon.Alateen.org/more-questions-newcomers-ask

Strength of character,
comprehension, perception, empathy.
Character traits, positive all.
Yet strong points make vulnerable targets
when we find hurtful people, users, abusers
and love them, want to bring good,
to comfort the miserable, to sooth beasts.
Love hurts, can subjugate the host
to hate. But love conquers, survives,
when we understand what's beyond our reach
and what is not.

My Life, My Idea

You will never be happy in life if you live someone else's idea of what life should be. ~ Robert Stack

I have tried to live other lives,
to be who my parents wished me to be —
though it seems what I perceived
could have been other than truth.
I have sought to live as my husband chose,
believing if I got to perfection I could heal rifts,
could make a difficult relationship ideal.
I have sought to live by mores and codes
of the South, of rural life, of ages past
only to find I lost me, lived a shell, hated me.
Now I have found a program of promises
of becoming real, of finding true dreams,
of surpassing ideals. And when I stopped
looking to others to fix or be fixed,
I found happiness and fulfillment
I'd always sought — freely given,
mine for accepting.
My life has become My Ideal.

Prosper

"Live long and prosper,"
the Vulcan greeting.
"Live and be prosperous:
and farewell good fellow,"
from Romeo and Juliet...
Are they commands,
flourish, achieve success?
Or is there an implied
statement of desire, of hope?
Can we choose to live long,
to prosper? Nobody knows
the number of our days
though we can avoid addictions,
bad choices, reckless daring.
We cannot choose to thwart death,
just not be gracious hosts.
Prosper, though, rests in our purview
not in terms of wealth or fame
though that may come.
When we surrender lives,
do next right things, release
all beyond our control,
we prosper,
whether command or prayer.

But the Boat Kept Rocking

But the boat kept rocking. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Location 2955)

We have no right to believe
we're owed smooth crossings,
that waves won't rock our journey,
that winds won't blow in gales.
We have only a sure tiller
and so long as we don't grab it
a master steering through.

Real

I failed to write last night,
absorbed in The Silent Girl.
I woke, thinking of the girl —
well, the small woman —
an author who spoke of her first
million-dollar advance
recalling her interest in Texas,
her studying frontier graves,
and her kindness to me.
I've lived most my life in tiers,
above most folk, below a few.
Tess Gerritsen epitomized the peak,
but she's nice, kind,
a person I can know
and real.

Half-Afraid of the Remedy

And as I look back on the events of two months, I can clearly see that I had been circling around, half-afraid of encountering the remedy for my situation, half-wanting it, deferring fulfillment of my promise to get in touch with the doctor I had heard about. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Kindle Locations 2902-2904

I see the solution,
know it's the solution,
know I need it.
But it's like a hypodermic.
The remedy has no appeal —
give me an easier, softer way.
But there is none. I've looked.
I want it, I really do —
but enough to really surrender?
Is it really the only solution?
Okay. I know. Maybe...

I Now Resolve

I resolve not to resolve,
not to set up goals,
commitments, aims,
pledges, obligations
controlled by date
or despair.
Rather, I seek
clarity, serenity,
peace, acceptance,
recovery one day,
one moment, one act
each day, each moment,
in every action
seeking first to discern
guidance and wisdom
to do the next right thing.

Clip art from phillipmartin.info/