Empty

1. We admitted we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable. ~ Step 1 of Overeaters Anonymous

It once had life, had people,

but that was long ago.

Slowly and surely the inside,
the heart, rotted away,

taking with it the soul.

The shell remains,

and life could be infused.
Beauty survives,
but only if love abides.

Solitaire

Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves, but deal in our privacy with the last honesty and truth. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

No games with ourselves? No spider sol,
sudoku, shisen? Well, there is the obsession
inherent in those for me, but the games I play
with me bypass those, surpass them in perversity.
The games I play with me are make-believe...
pretending I'm doing what to the world appears true —
hide and seek... hiding what I need to use when I choose,
seeking only when the desperation makes me long
for the taste of recovery I'd found before the game —
Instead of games, I must find the courage, the faith,
the hope to deal in solitude with the last honesty
and truth.

Choices

It is when the outcome isn't earth shattering that I struggle with the choice. ~ Linda T

Hundreds of shoes that fit, hours to choose?
Two pair in your size, quick decision.
They once defined proof beyond reasonable doubtto be that level of proof we would rely on
in the most important decisions of our lives.
It's a standard we know and understand
even when we can't put it in so many words.
And we ask others' opinions, we study,
we make a decision. But the little stuff…
am I going to follow routine and take time
to gather my thoughts, to ask direction,
on a morning I'm running late?
Maybe, maybe not. But that can be the choice
that makes the difference in the day,
in the day to follow, for weeks and months,
to lead in a new direction without any decision
drawing our attention.

Nemesis

Take the person who annoys you and ask God what he sees in their heart. ~ Blake Healy

What do I see when I move past
my irritation, disdain, disgust?
Loneliness, fear, despair,
fatigue, boredom, desolation.
Hopelessness.
What can I do? Ignore my irritation
by remembering the despair,
replace the disdain with empathy,
put myself in God's love before I judge.
Live a life that might mirror hope,
that might light a path.
Love the loneliness away.

12 & 12 = 24 Hours

How can I make this day,
twenty-four whole hours,
a thousand four hundred forty minutes
looming ahead, waiting for my wrong choice
in just one of them. I'm powerless.
But there is a way. Hold on...
to twelve steps, to twelve traditions,
just twenty-four concepts, a couple dozen principles.
And with those, I can manage the  fourteen-hundred-forty
minutes looming ahead of me. I'm powerless
but the Steps and Traditions are not.

Hugging Happiness

It's a choice, happiness or bitterness.
The old half full, half empty,
you are what you think.
We can remain mired in hopelessness
or embrace recovery
hugging happiness.

Looking for God

They say I need find a Power
one greater than I,
a "God of my understanding,"
someone to whom I'm to surrender,
a personal god. I've heard others
call their power Howard,
from "Howard be thy name,"
or Gus for "guy upstairs."
Some use the group or a massive tree,
or simply a chair that can hold them up.
But why do they seek their power
in such places? Isn't it obvious?
I only looked within and found
a power there all along. After all,
where else would a personal god be?

In Charge

And they supported me and did not even demand that my companion Titus be circumcised, though he was a Gentile. ~ Galatians 2:3 NLT

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He may demand that the family find God in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference to them and say he is above worldly considerations. He may tell mother, who has been religious all her life, that she doesn't know what it's all about, and that she had better get his brand of spirituality while there is yet time. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 128

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Running the show,
setting the rules,
being in charge,
taking command.
This is how recovery works,
and you better do it right.
No.
They are suggestions, not commands.
It's how we did it,
how many have found recovery
but you may find a different
road to the same place.
This one works for me.
I love you and hope you find
a path as right for you
as I have found for me.

God, let me understand
I'm not in control.
Help me to do your will
and be open to it differing
from what I think it is.

What Would I Do?

When I think of what my life would be like without worry, I wonder what I would then think about?  I am so used to analyzing everything. ~ Linda T

The psychologist once said to me,
"You think faster than anyone I've known."
He hypnotized me, permitting my retaining
a lifeguard part of my mind, analyzing,
rationalizing, holding on.
My higher power knows me, too,
allows for my weakness. Still, worry
wears away the good, grating, sanding, scraping.
Thought need not be worry but can be
thinking of the next right step,
perhaps wondering on the one after that.
Or maybe, the subject of thought could be
how glorious life without worry will be.

His Name's Sake

He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake. ~ Psalm 23:3 (NIV)

I'm God's child, and like a family
what I do reflects on my raising,
on my relations, on my experience.
If I walk the right path, seek his will,
surrender and walk in his steps
then like a family, the truth reflects
in those least learned, those most simple,
on those who follow far better
than they lead. I promise to walk the right paths
so far as I can discern them by asking,
by listening, by following. And when I do
it makes the God I follow look good
to those who never see my God
without first looking at me.

A Table Prepared

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies... ~ 23^rd Psalm, KJV

My enemies need not reside in a hostile nation,
be members of a rival gang, attend school across town
or at a traditionally antagonistic university.
A table in the presence of my enemies
when it comes to Halloween, Thanksgiving,
Christmas, New Years...and Valentines,
St. Patrick, Easter, Memorial Day,
Independence Day, Labor Day, Veterans Day...
and Ground Hogs Day, Sadie Hawkins Day,
Mother Goose Day, Cinco de Mayo,
Aviation Day, Bad Poetry Day...any day,
every season. A table prepared in my enemies'
presence can seat parents, grandchildren,
Great Aunt Gertrude, the fellow in the next cubicle,
anybody at any time when they wish their choices
for me when those are not selections enhancing my peace.
On those days my shepherd can prepare me a table,
by having me ask for better choices, bring my own food,
overlook those foods not bringing me peace,
selecting those that do. Any day, every place,
my shepherd prepares a table for me
and I can choose to feast from it.

For All the Saints

The pioneers, great ideas,
great fears, creating recovery
crafted from desperation,
passing on the precious gift
to honor those who came before,
to heal the suffering newcomer,
but most of all to keep the treasure
that is recovery.

Truly Equal

In my journey of recovery, I am called to be the best person I can be and to respect others for who they are. As I work toward those goals, I become truly equal and in harmony with life. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 2494-2495)

I can't aspire to rival you
or match my triumphs to his.
I am me, have my gifts,
which don't match your strengths.
If I set out to best you,
to set the standard,
watching you over my shoulder,
I stumble, wander, fail
to reach my mark.
When I am me, accepting that,
and strive to best my past...
when I ignore jealousy,
envy, my discontent not being you,
I leave you to your pursuit
and cleave to mine,
as each becomes our best,
as — alone — we make a team.

Unleashed

Freed from restraints, unleashed.
We strain against the tether,
aching for freedom, for release.
But the leash protects us, connects us,
holds us to the one who knows the way.
By honoring the connection,
we find that reined in, held in check,
we actually are, in essence, unleashed.

Can Do Tonight

What bothered me so today need not bother me so much tomorrow, because I looked honestly at myself about it, with my Higher Power, tonight. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 3418-3419).

Easy abstinence,
a day in tune with Power,
comfort with the world
doesn't happen automatically.
Like any event worth attending,
a bit of preparation before
will smooth the way.
Arrangements don't take the form
of planning, of structuring the future
but of surrender, of tuning in,
of listening for instructions,
doing what you can do tonight.

Service

Carry the key, make coffee,
lead a meeting, take minutes,
count the money, speak.
Make the meeting, the fellowship,
the relationships work,
spread the message.
Mundane work, housekeeping,
the backbone of the movement.
A boon for the organization,
the lifeblood. Not only for the group
but for the person giving service.

Public Goals

Make your goals public. The more people who are aware of your goals, the more people who will be there to support you and hold you accountable along the way. ~ Sports Psychology For Dummies

Maintenance of a healthy weight
is a very private fight with public evidence.
As long as we hold on to the fight,
attack it alone, secretly succeed,
quietly fail, we who suffer the disease
of compulsive eating and cannot
manage our lives, our eating...
we will fail. We don't need public scales,
group humiliation — we excel at self hatred.
We need a public forum of like-minded folks
who don't find it crazy to eat a package
rather than a piece, to eat off plates
as we clean the kitchen, to hide food
for comfort, because it's our "right"...
We need a public for support, for love,
so we can do what the world believes
just takes a bit of willpower.

The Sleep-In Will Come

The sleep-in will come with the popcorn smell,
and crowds pack the mall for the super sale,

cookies and cakes for the 5^th grade class
and washing the car and cutting the grass

bills to be paid, groceries to buy –
all things get done, by and by.

No one will know in a month or so
if I fell short of perfection or should slow.

And no one would mind, neither husband nor child,
a dust-bunny, cobweb, or junk mail piled.

If I am at peace, serene and calm,
I'm a better me, better wife, better mom.

Protection

He will protect me, even from myself... ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 300)

Be not dismayed whate’er betide,
  God will take care of you!
Beneath His wings of love abide,
  God will take care of you!
If anybody else treated me
like I treat myself, I'd sue.
Well, no, I'd analyze the suit,
envision the petition,
but not sue. I don't deserve
to be rewarded for the abuse
I endure. From me.
But I'm learning to love me,
learning to accept that God loves me
so others can as well. Even me.

Today

Yesterday is past,
promises broken,
promises kept,
achievements,
failures...
yesterday is past.
Tomorrow is fiction,
an unknown,
to be or not to be,
a sketchpad for ideas
but only with abundant erasers...
tomorrow is fiction.
Today is mine,
my responsibility,
a day I can choose to do right
or to fail, to toss away the good,
a day I cannot control
but can seek one who can,
can listen and learn and grow
with mind set toward peace,
or one I can squander waiting
for tomorrow, lamenting for yesterday,
today is mine.