Celebrations of This Day

The celebrations of this day will be over at midnight, and tomorrow I will wake up glad to be alive and abstinent. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 1483-1484).

Every day is someone's birthday,
most named to honor a group or cause.
The major holidays adorn the stores
months ahead of time. Celebratory meals,
the office spread, temptation runs rampart
to tease the yens of the compulsive,
the food addicts, the cravers.
Master the one, and more await
with the flip of a calendar page.
But temptation calls only
the unprepared, those weakened,
squandering daily reprieves.
Immersed in recovery, right choices rule
and every day, right-sighted, stands grand.

Curly Fry Crumb

I walk in the door, fresh from a phone call
where I want to rescue a woman for rescuing,
want to give money when I'd said that was all.
I've not dealt with it well,
second- and third-thinking my path.
Knees hurt. Piddling little things to do,
socializing to come, anticipated, but temptation —
called birthday cake – awaits. Serenity shudders,
but holds together. On the kitchen counter
a curly fry crumb calls my name.
But I started the day right. A reading returns.
I know I cannot walk through a brick wall,
and I’ve totally accepted this fact, so I don’t try...
When I accept Step One as completely as this,
I am easily abstinent. I am free.◊
The dog ate the crumb.





◊ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 1734-1735)

My Biography

Then, horrified by what we were doing to ourselves with food, we became obsessed with diets. We spent hundreds of dollars on weight-loss schemes, we bought all sorts of appetite-control drugs, we joined diet clubs and spas, we had ourselves hypnotized and analyzed, we had major surgery on our digestive systems, we had our ears stapled or our jaws wired shut. All of this we did willingly, hoping we could someday “have our cake and eat it too.” ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 149-150).

Funny, how I felt all alone,
terminally unique, a freak,
devoid of willpower, abject failure.
Then in desperation I stumbled in,
found the rooms of recovery,
heard others tell my story, owning it...
and suddenly knew I was of a group,
not one-of-a-kind, and with my army behind
I could take on the world.

Reptiles of the Mind

The man who never alters his opinion is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind. ~ William Blake

"Rule and run" —
instruction for new judges.
Consider both sides, hear argument,
research if possible, but decide.
Given time, study, other judges,
approaching certainty worked,
but "we'll take a half-hour recess"
a few times a day, no way to run a trial.
A good rule, as rules go.
Yet, a few times wrong decisions haunt
and then my custom became
change the next time, occasionally
if pivotal — in that trial. Liveable.
Lawyers could anticipate, plan for,
my response. And I could live with me
when wrong rulings could be overruled.

Connected

The keyboard buttons jiggle,
click, seem useful. The mouse,
when not held to the ear, "Hello,"
looks like Daddy's.
But the unconnected keyboard,
the computer not turned on
do nothing but go through the motions.
Before the magic happens,
joining to Power must be made,
so idle poppy noises make words or pictures,
the magic beyond dreams of we
who punch keys, waiting for Power
to do something magical.

The Diagnosis

Applying willpower to this compulsion is like applying an antibiotic to a viral infection. It will never have any effect. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 862-863).

It's taken me a few years in recovery
to really accept the idea it's a disease,
this compulsion to eat – just as surely
as the others, alcoholism, drug addiction,
gambling, the gambit. I know, though,
the truth, deep within. Willpower,
the right diet, hypnotism, medical fixes —
they've never worked, and for me just won't.
But it's okay, this disease. It's one of few
where the cure leaves you better off
than you ever were before. It's a cure
I'm glad I didn't miss.

At Grandmom's House

Grandmom made cookies,
cakes, rich gooey treats.
Her house smelled
of "Grandmom bread."
When she knew we would be there
the kitchen filled with her edible love
I'm Grandmom now, like her so much.
God help me not to teach
that Grandmom's love comes from the oven...

Barbara and Mike Rollins, R. T. and Irma Breedlove - March 2, 1974

Haiku

expanse large as God
containing stars galaxies
and important me

True Deprivation

True deprivation is how I lived before OA—in bondage to food and fat. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 2756)

How do you hide
an excess hundred pounds?
How can you think
eating alone hides the truth
from anyone at all?
I look at a diet and feel deprived
never having tried at all
to see how well it might work.
Deprivation, though, needs no food
to crush my soul to a flattened souvenir.
But not always. When I figure out
how really to let go, how to quit obeying
exhortations to fear God, how to accept
the love and acceptance...
then it is, I know having the food is deprivation
while having faith fills any void to overflowing.

Thank You

When I say thank you it feels like my mind changes; it feels like my spirit changes. ~ Jhe T

Gratitude spreads joy forward
but backwards as well,
sprinkling pleasure all around
as seeds to germinate
sometimes slowly
often instantly
springing up full-grown
bouquets of peace.

Getting My Way

I get upset when I don't get my way and the only answer is to not have a way. ~ Miranda O'D

...praying only for knowledge of His will
and the power to carry that out.
Independence, a prized possession
from the time we can put on shoes,
know the toy we prefer, take off running.
Accountability, self-supporting, on our own,
measuring rods for maturity, for growing up.
Decisive, determined, knowing your own mind,
evidence of leadership, of maturity.
The course of our lives, long established,
is to know ourselves, our goals, our intentions.
The only problem? It doesn't work,
leads to fear, to doubt, to guilt and shame...
When our way aligns itself with the Power that is,
when our will is set aside,
only then can we really have our way.

Receiving Love

It takes courage and willingness to receive such unconditional love and support. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 1476-1477)

I'll let you love me.
But to be honest it scares me,
amazes me, stuns me,
to have such acceptance
poured out on me,
to tell the truth
to hugs and tears,
to be held straight
by your support.
But having been loved
without strings, freely...
I have to pass it on
so forgive me if my loving you
makes you uncomfortable.

Believe

Believe that you can be abstinent. You will be. Believe that you can have sanity, peace of mind, and freedom to live the life you want. You will have them. Believe that you will recover. You will. ~ For Today, p. 354

Believe. Accept as true, feel sure,
trust in the omnipotent, omniscient giver.
Simple belief – a promise awaiting close.
But belief about your own proposed action,
actions attempted countless times,
never attained. Actions you're powerless to do.
Not just simple belief...belief with surrender.
Believe the actions will come, sanity follow,
recovery happen.

Confidence of a Continent

...with the slow massive confidence of a continent. ~ The Life of Pi

Why should my confidence
be as an island, an atoll,
a grain of sand, a nothingness
in a world of totality?
I've worth, value, a place...
I may have no power, no control
yet serve one who does,
one who, when acknowledged as my liege,
makes me massive, dominating,
having the slow massive confidence
of a continent.

Adult

...freedom to become a life-managing adult. ~ Lanaya B

Peter Pan didn't want to grow up;
Wendy did. Or maybe just understood
the weariness of staying the same,
good  or bad. How sad it is, though,
to find that aged body with a juvenile bent,
sense of responsibility, moral values...
As I child, I thought so, understood so,
spoke so. Fine for its time, but time moves on.
As an adult, past was past, the present alone
available, malleable, subject to change.
The growing up is hard, long, arduous at times
but the result is to share the big table,
to be a part, to be accepted. To be free
to become a life-managing adult...

Accepting My Weaknesses

Program people share and applaud my victories, but it is their ability to accept my weaknesses that keeps me coming back. ~  Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 945-946).

Honesty of the kind
we know only in ourselves
but finally in these rooms
recognize in others – most —
and thus relax, releasing fictions
long held to keep others from knowing
as only we could of the falsity of face
we present. A community of strangers
come together, oddities who shed isolation —
finding the rest of our lost tribe
waiting in the rooms ready to accept,
to love, to welcome us
home to a family we chose
for our innate kinship.

 

I Have ARRIVED!

I've done it, worked the steps,
read the books, lost the weight.
I've arrived where I set out to go.
Why, then, does it seem
I've just begun, that more awaits,
wonders I can't afford not to seek?

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Thanks to Miranda O'D

Like a kitchen counter,
clear the clutter, store the staples,
stack the dishes, wash the tile.
Not just once, but day after day,
never finished, always work to do.

Read literature, work the steps,
write down food and call it in,
go to meetings, render service,
pray, surrender, turn it over,
never finished, always more to do.

The Power of Thank You

When I say thank you it feels like my mind changes, it feels like my spirit changes. ~ Jhe T

Magic words, they call them,
please, thank you. But not, I think,
as perceived by most who hear the sounds.
The spell points back to the one who speaks,
charming not he who hears
but she who pauses to share them
bringing joy and peace, a side effect —
no, more than that! A symptom
inevitably rising as the syllables
slip past the lips.

Mothers

To have a mother, to be one,
a bond unbreakable, despite all...
The relationships in families
so close, so often impaired...
Human beings doing best
as perceived, as learned, discerned...
The fabric of family holding fast
through strain and stain,
tatters and wear, cloth of life
worth mending through amends,
through relearning,
through understanding
remaining the foundation
and seat of life.