Now!

Give it to me, give it to me,
I want it NOW, God.
There are promises,
affirmations, results
for working this program,
for surrendering, for obeying.
I've done what I can...
surely you who know all
know that... It's just not right
for you to hold back
on the promises
just waiting for me
to more fully do
what you expect
of me.

I Am

I am not nothing.
I am worthy,
deserving, real.
It is within my right...
No! It is my right
to be treated as worthy
even by myself.

If I Want It

All the promises of recovery can be mine if I want them. This program shows me what to do. For Today (Kindle Location 1671).

How can you want something
and simultaneously not?
How can something glorious
be just within reach, so close,
so desirable...but habit, custom,
fear stops you, makes you mutter,
"Wait a minute. When I finish
this need to rebel, this egotism,
this procrastination" —
Oh, yes, I crave it, long for it,
but not just yet. Not now.
But hold on to me and keep close
so I can want it more than I crave
what I've always trusted instead...

Up Your Standards

Good enough.
Physical recovery
without the emotional,
the spiritual. Settling.
We who felt worthless,
who could not acknowledge
a right to exist,
we who drew our being
from the judgment of others...
We who have no concept
of our potential dare not —
without intervention
from a greater power —
have no idea how high
our standards, our growth,
our achievements, our recovery
just might be.

Infestation

Swarms of them!
Everywhere I go
I'm surrounded
by sweet treats,
by advertisements,
by relatives and friends
insisting I take
"just one bite..."
"I made it just for you..."
"But it's your favorite!"
Now, though, I have pest control
and take one serving
of serenity, of sobriety,
of hope and fly
beyond my wildest dreams
to peace from any infestation.

Humble Beginnings

Anecdotal, the nascence. One man sober

a few short weeks - talks to another
of self-crafted gods, of hope, and in December -
a few weeks - change staked a claim forever.

Struggles for a while, the first returned to drink,
the second fanatically evangelizing sots

failed - but kept clean. Discouraged, stopped to think,

and sought a drunk to share his tale and thoughts.

And Bill and Dr. Bob conversed for hours

aiding their friend in grasping, in growing,

in believing. And little by slow the powers

of submission brought millions to knowing.

How much can come of a twelfth-step call

when we act with faith no matter how small.

Insides vs. Outsides

I know my insides, the trauma, doubt, fear.
I see your outsides, serene, cheerful, confident.
Now you share your insides with me,
the trauma, doubt, fear...
and how you see me as leading, perceptive, aware.
The comparison between ins and outs
is like apples and watches — not valid to match up.
From now own I'll stick with my insides,
my outsides, the only things I can change
and know you, love you, so I keep on knowing
my insides lie.

Broken Strand

A string of days
one day at a time
woven to weeks
then months
then to years.
A string of days
become the given,
no need for diligence,
for adding,
for pulling in new strands.
A string of days
shortened by forgetting
it's a daily reprieve
contingent...

Suffering

Everything is relative.
An aching tooth or a broken heart,
a serving too much of healthy food
or a few dozen days of insane satiation.
Everything is relative among us.
With God, though, it's not.
Changeless, dependable, available.
He removes our fear, holds our hand,
shows his presence as we go through,
trusting him all the way or none.
But the only trust necessary from us
is a decision to give him a chance,
to try the straight, narrow way
where the needed Relative takes our hand
or carries us.

Erstwhile Erratic Alcoholics

Our Society then entered a fearsome and exciting adolescent period. The test that it faced was this: Could these large numbers of erstwhile erratic alcoholics successfully meet and work together? Would there be quarrels over membership, leadership, and money? Would there be strivings for power and prestige? Would there be schisms which would split A.A. apart? ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Foreword to the Second Edition

Erstwhile. An archaic adverb.
Erstwhile binging purging restricting
addicted eaters, once upon a time
in lala-land.
Erratic. Not even or regular
in pattern, in movement, unpredictable.
Capable of stinking thinking, of willfulness,
of moments sublime.
Addicts. Forever and always addicted
even when freed of the clutches long years,
able to plunge back into insanity
or rise to heights beyond wildest dreams...

Excited!

Get excited about what's next. ~ Julie T

We make our own tomorrow —
anticipating trouble, it comes.
We make our own tomorrow —
knowing joy, it spreads.
Dread or eagerly await
a self-defined prophesy.
So live expecting good,
knowing even pain
confronts the power we bring...
a Power sufficient to match the pain.

Abundance

All I saw was restriction, restriction, restriction. But after being here for four years already, it hit me that I get to define with God the plan that works with me. ~ Lanaya B

I open the computer
and know a favorite site
holds a game for today,
one that soon will say
I've already played for today.
I need to play it —
disaster could strike
and I might miss a day.
That's deprivation talking,
scarcity, the need to hoard.
But the supply is not limited;
it's abundant. Each day's
serving is poured out
like manna, but just one day.
When I look at limitations
in entertainment, food,
books, relationships...
When I see the grace,
the abundance, the good
fears will cease and
peace abound.

Hold that Hope

You've walked
the twelve-step path,
grown in peace
and sanity.
You've glimpsed
possibilities,
touched your dreams...
Now, when firm ground
trembles, faith erodes,
remember serenity,
trust the process,
hold on to hope.

Over

We come together
a community, loving strangers
close friends on meeting.
We leave, agenda complete
away from the us to the me.
The decompression,
descending from the heights
returning to a normal
no longer snug.

Can we carry recovery with us
or are we destined
to fall back into shape
of a world we’d rather never?

Not Auditing the Class

Too long I've let things slide,
getting by, doing enough
but wow, man, that's not enough!
This one counts,
this one's make or break,
this can sum it all up to score big
but coasting's crashing, bombing,
instant death. If I don't make the mark
I've not a hope of life worth keeping on.
I'll stay the course, full steam ahead,
the next right step, a smart salute,
and send up thanks for the wake-up call
that this one's the whole equation.

Tentative

Hello! Are you looking for Overeaters Anonymous?
You've come to the right place.
Welcome! I'm Beth, that's Joe and Meg.
How often has the script played itself out
as one more time a brave soul
desperate and filled with fear
has taken that first tentative step
toward completion?

I Love to Tell My Story

Why would I want to remember
the bad old days, days of shame,
years of isolation, of self-loathing,
of insanity and powerlessness,
of despair? How could I describe
fear, resentment, surrendering
to my baseness, to my depravity?
Isn't it just more self-destruction?
So it would seem, but no!
Not at all. My story, not just the bad,
but adding the recovery, the victory,
the hope and peace and joy!
When the whole is told, when others hear
and find hope as they see someone kin
who found answers, a way out...
then there is joy not just in the hearing
but in the telling as well!

Hunger Satisfied

Cravings and hunger differ,
but who would have thought it?
Always, it was food I turned to
to placate my turmoil, to comfort,
to fix all the ails everywhere.
But that hunger was false,
a cruel bait and switch.
Only when I grasped the truth,
when I found the answer
merely rebuked the question,
only when I looked first
to a power greater than I...
Only then was the hunger finally sated.

On My Own Deceits

When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in front of them all, “You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?..." (Galatians 2:14 NIV)

---

---

Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

---

---

It is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery. Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 94)

---

---

Hypocrite!

Pretender! Phony!

A sanctimonious sham!

Was Peter deceitful?

Are we all when we claim

to disown selfishness

but recruit for our own benefit?

Others may be – it's not my concern.
What matters is my fraud,
writing such truths when mostly
they're to tutor me,
to school me in my own deceits.
I hear myself share what I wish to be true,
what I strive to receive,
what I know awaits me
when at long last
I lay down my piety
and finally figure out
surrender.

Forgive me my hypocrisy, God.
Please give me true faith.

You Can't Unknow

But what I told her what she as a normie can't see is that he has no insight. Because once you know you cannot unknow. He slides into his oblivion and sees this as happiness. ~ Patricia Martin

Backsliding, relapse,
falling off wagons,
sliding, skipping meetings,
back to square one...
but not really,
not the square one.
No matter how we may wish
to escape, to go back,
to run away to our scourge
we can't, not totally.
We know somehow —
before we know anything else —
there's no going back
to powerless, hopeless,
unmanageable once we've glimpsed
the power that can,
the recovery waiting for us
at the meeting.

Peace Be With You!

On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jewish leaders, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” ~ John 20:19 NIV

Miracles surround us
while we huddle
behind locked doors
gripped by fear.
When we have seen
day after day
for years the power,
on a day filled with hope,
with wonder, with amazement
we huddle with fear
until we are finally able to hear
and believe, "Peace be with you!"

Lost: Egoism and Fear – Hopefully...

They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 73

To tell me to quit living in ego and fear
is like demanding I sit blindfolded
five minutes and never think of feathers.
Now any other time, that would be likely,
almost inevitable, but tell me that, and I fail.
I'll give you my egotism right now.
Just take it — see how easily I gave it up?
Am I not fine to be able to surrender it so?
Can you imagine anyone able to lay it aside
so well as I? Are you as proud of me as I?
I'll never get this right. I fear I've failed,
I'm worthless, hopeless, a disgrace.
I've tried to hard, so long, so desperately
to rid myself of ego, of fear. I'm hopeless,
powerless, unable. I give up.
I surrender...

Go Deep

Go deep, enjoy your scuba vacation,
or prepare for a Hail Mary pass.
Dare to reach the depths
of the suburban cave
or dive the submarine way down.
Empty your pockets
or get lost in the research,
deep. Complete.

Go deep inside or deep in faith,
in love, in service, in understanding.
Go deep and know the width,
the breadth, the depth
of the mercy and grace
of God.

My Feet

Ugly feet, calloused, nails ignored
I sit before him, apologetically.
Aware of hirsute legs, uneven nails
I cringe at his touch, insecure,
embarrassed, chagrined.
How can I ask for a pedicure now?
I remember the compulsion
to clean the house before the maid.
Jesus acted the servant, washing feet
as future saints cringed, demurred,
unwilling, ashamed.
I am not worthy. I deserve no such favor.
But grace takes no measure of merit,
only of love, of acceptance, of yes.

Accountant Needed

I seriously need a personal "accountant" (and it's not the tax kind) to sit on my shoulder 24/7 that I have to be "accountable" to, and I'm pretty sure we all have the same one watching over us...... if I would just listen more closely :/ ~ Julie O'Neal Campbell

An accountant? A keeper I need,
someone to tell me where to go,
what to do. But an accountant as well...
someone to set the agenda, establish goals
and guide me properly, safely, wisely.
I'd deny the need though my past maps
the life I can create, the mess I've made
again, again and another time.
I need a keeper, an accountant, a guide.
Or, perhaps, I need only stop,
seek, listen
and obey.

Warm Blanket of Denial

No comfort comes from ripping off the warm blanket of denial. ~ Julie Trudeau

I see mistakes you make
and know you need strength,
to get real. Compelled to confront,
I set out your failures, your lies.
I'd do you the favor
of granting accountability,
of showing you the truth.
Why don't you see I'm helping you?
Won't you listen to me?
Why don't you see I love you?

You Know What You Are

If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace for you know what you are. ~ Mother Theresa

Knowing what I am
has terrified me,
haunted me,
felt done, complete,
identified as odious.
But I'm not what I was,
and knowing what I am
is knowing surrender,
willingness, discipleship,
a life of peace, of joy,
of love.

Built to Be

We were built to be inefficient because efficient would be a king telling us how to do things. ~ (prompt I saved who knows from WHAT source last August!)

We could be perfect,
built that way.
How easy things would be...
but if we were, decisions?
Unnecessary. Only one way,
no freedom to make mistakes.
Like marionettes controlled
stringlessly but managed
all the same, perfectly,
efficiently. But I have options,
the right to silly moves,
the choice to do – to be — wrong.
Then when I get it right
even a bit, just brush up against it
I've done it. And I have the right
to be controlled, but only
if I choose.

Deeply Realized

Then I was seized with a thought: I am going to get drunk. Our no, maybe I won't get drunk; maybe I'll just go into that bar and drink some ginger ale and scrape up an acquaintance. Then I panicked. That was really a gift! I had never panicked before at the threat of alcohol. Maybe this meant my sanity had been restored. I remembered that in trying to help other people, I had stayed sober myself. For the first time I deeply realized it. ~ Bill Wilson, Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, page 65

Oh, I know compulsive eating —
a disease, they say, a deadly one.
Interesting concept, I see the argument.
Sure, I want to be restored to sanity,
but I'm certainly not not sane!
I work this program, consistently,
enthusiastically — most of the time.

I know the truths of Recovery.
Do I deeply realize them, though?

Only a Step

As we have seen, self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. It is a step in the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God's help. Yet it is only a step. ~  Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous

Easy answer, please.
Not just simple, not merely clear
but easy, effortless, no sweat.
Instead we get a maze
with turn after turn, room after room,
each finer and more pleasant than before
but between the rooms discomfort,
self-searching, acquisition of hard truths.
Sure, we pick up fine mementos
of vision, action, grace as tools to wield,
yet on the way to humility feeling like humiliation,
we move on, receiving God's help the whole way.
Then we find more layers of growth,
more knowledge and hope, a step
beyond the step, to greater glory
before moving on to the next.

I Got Away with It-Ism

When I nibbled at the edges,
chipped away at pieces,
ate just one, a small bite,
got away with it...or so it seemed...
a pattern emerged, and grew,
swelled, blossomed.
A disease, a malady
with symptoms others didn't see
but I knew. And shame grew.
And patterns were set
until I sought the cure
for the dreaded old disease,
I got away with it-ism.

The Fudge of Life

An early recollection is one of looking up and seeing that vast and mysterious mountain and wondering whether I would ever climb that high. But I was presently distracted by my aunt who, as a fourth birthday present, made me a plate of fudge. For the next thirty-five years I pursued the fudge of life and quite forgot about the mountain. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age, 52-53

I stand, looking at the mountain,
distracted by the computer game
or TV show or Facebook.
I know I long for the mountain,
don't really forget it, but for now
a game, a show, a status...
Can I settle for an artful print
of someone else's photo atop it?
Can I write of what it might be
should I venture out? Can I just wait
and hope someday, by some miracle,
to sprout wings and fly? Or must I act,
do the next right thing, to make that dream
come true?

The Great Not Me

God is whatever you can hang onto —
at least in the beginning.
Something greater, something needed,
ached for, dreamed of...not expected.
This power can be the group,
universal good, the power of love,
a mighty oak. Names don't matter...
Great Spirit, I Am,
GUS – grin, "Guy Upstairs."
Howard – Howard be thy name?
Rules are just we need to come to believe
some such power could make us sane
again, perhaps, or for the first time.
Then we made a decision to trust,
to release, to surrender to something —
anything — not me and more than me,
The Great Not Me.

Somebody Else

Everybody around here
used to be somebody else.
It’s just what happens.
We can't sit in these rooms
with half an ear open,
with any inclination to wish,
with despair at our lives
with hopelessness
and not catch a taste,
see a hint,
have a fertile seed of hope.
And when that wall we've set up
begins to erode, springs a tiny leak
then the flood of recovery
will follow, washing away who we were
and leaving somebody else.

Guilt Riddance

The surprising news for many of us is that every unloving encounter with someone else is an opportunity to deal with guilt. What this means is that we see ourselves in others. Always. ~ Karen Casey

"Every unloving encounter."
Cleaned up description, it is.
Temper tantrum, peevishness,
petulance, passive aggressiveness...
resentment, old hurt, jealousy.
I see it in you instantly
for I know it well,
having fought my demon
of the same vein every day
of my life.

Faith that Works

This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 31.

Sunday school faith,
sermon sanctification,
Christian piety. The creeds
of the devout.
We assign religion to its place.
But faith knows no cage,
cannot be contained,
permeates the universe.
Faith, if we surrender to it,
works under all conditions.

Saltines

Sometimes people are like broken saltines, cracked in pieces. You handle them too rough, you ain't got nothing but crumbs. ~ Twist of Faith

Handling most folk gently —
sure, I can do that, naturally.
Handling me too rough
comes easier, faster, is the default.
I don't know how to love me.
I don't know how not to break
at the cracks and make more,
how to hold together, one cracker,
worthy not to be called derisive names,
to be a saltine or even a club cracker.
I have worth. I deserve to be loved
even by me.

Stand by the Fire

Who has not made mistakes in life. Do you know Psalm 130?...Well, when you want to stay warm you stand by the fire. ~ Jacob in Twist of Faith
Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption. ~ Psalm 130:7 NIV

Stand by the fire.
Don't look for warmth, for comfort
in the icy wilderness. Don't seek heat
in a frozen wasteland. Go to the source,
the life, the hot-blooded warm-hearted,
the wellspring. When you need love
go where it grows, where it warms
heart and hand, where you're loved.
Energy awaits your melancholia,
ardor your depression, your despair,
your hopelessness. Love stands ready
to welcome you home.

Terror and Dread

I was using food so I didn't have to be different from other people. I could fit in. I could be "normal." My terror and dread of being different, of not being accepted or approved of, was being taken care of by food.  ~ A New Beginning page 20

Food as a tool, something to "fix" me,
to have a common bond, to blend in.
Oh, though, had they known how I used,
how I abused the food when they weren't there
when I could get by — or think I was —
while hiding my stash, plotting and planning,
wishing they'd go to bed, anxious to try,
to taste, to relax in decadence.
So, I used food to fit in, hoping against hope
they wouldn't see me as I hid in the open,
drove from one store to another, buying one sweet
after the same from another store, knowing the while
these people I wanted to impress would roll with amazment
if they saw what I hid from them trying to use it
just to fit in...

I Surrender All

All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

Surrender. I've known the feeling,
felt the spirit, bowed to mercy,
lived in love. I've lived in faith,
served with wonder, soared to heights
and lived in peace.
I've destroyed a life of blessings
wandered aimlessly, lost and  cold.
I'm not excluded for my folly,
am welcome back with open arms.
Grateful, humble, I stand before You.
I surrender all.

Pardon My Asking, Lord

Lord, did you hesitate, waffle or pause
before touching the crusted and unseeing eyes?
Did the odor distract from your virtuous cause,
did the man disappear amid lice and the flies?

How did you feel when the leprous came
calling “Unclean!” as the Hebrews required?
Were you repulsed by the old and the lame
reeking with filth and with feculence mired?

Probably not. I guess perfected love
overlooks filth, can set foulness aside.
Love in its essence would tower above
bias, see vile folk beautified.

Perfect I’m not. But you told me to be
and your life is my model, your spirit my goal.
Lord, hear my prayer. Give me grace, set me free
to bypass my hang-ups, to love every soul.

Let me shake any hand when a tender is made,
hold the patient with AIDS in a heartfelt embrace.
Inmates and homeless I would greet unafraid,
passing to others the strength of your grace.

We

...most of the world doesn't understand scribblers. We're loners. We're odd. Our thoughts go off on tangents and we tell bad jokes. ~ Michael T. Huyck, Jr.

Everybody hates me,
nobody likes me
I'm going out to eat worms.
I'm the only one to feel that way
except for those who know the verse,
or feel it, even the first time.
Like most folk I know.
Scribblers sit alone in their writing,
addicts come together,
laugh at awful things, devastating before,
now the fodder to guide, to bond,
to assure worm-eaters they're not alone.
Most of the world doesn't understand us.
We're loners, we're odd.
Our thoughts wander on tangents
to the tune of bad jokes...
and collegial laughter.

What We're Prepared For

The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend. ~ Robertson Davies

The solution was always here,
before me, staring at me,
waiting for me.
The solution has never changed
but when I changed,
when I accepted some truths —
of powerlessness,
of inability to manage,
that perhaps some power could —
only then did the blinders fall off
so I could at long last see
what had always been
right there in the open, waiting.

Cooperate

So cooperate; never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1220-1221)

Inanimate ideas
owned by living folk
who hear their creation crushed
and feel the force, own it.
Yet to build on that,
accepting while modifying
includes all, accepts all,
affirms. What makes the change?
Love. Acceptance. Honor
for every person, for their worth.
Even when needed change
would come in lives, love,
acceptance, honor
lead the way.

Stuck?

If we're stuck in the past
its resentment.
If were stuck on the future
its fear.
If we stay in the present,
acknowledge the past
for making us who we are,
for readying us to serve,
for examples to help others
we free ourselves from shame,
from resentment, from anger.
If we leave the future to a Power
able to handle it, surrender control,
do today's next right thing,
then we're living the serenity prayer,
stuck in peace and love.

Recycling

Recycling...it's not relapse but recycling, feels like the same place but it's on a higher plane. ~ Anne B

Paul said, "What I would do,
I don't; what I don't want to do,
I do." Don't I know the feeling!
Like a game of Mother May I,
I follow the rules, move forward,
then get cocky and don't...
just once, just when I have the chance
to take several long steps. But it's back
to the beginning, starting over.
But not quite. I'm better at the rules,
listen, know the tricks. It may feel
the same as all the way to the beginning,
but it's not. I still need to move ahead,
to learn to do it, to quit presuming I can
if I just behave, just have the willpower.
I've learned about who I am, what I can do
and even when I have to learn again
the path is familiar, I know the way.

Not So!

How much does she know that isn't so? ~ Rugh Limbaugh

How much did I know
that wasn't so?
That I was superior,
smart, able to do
what others failed.
That with willpower —
just a bit more —
I could conquer anything.

I didn't know willpower
served no purpose against this —
this disease, this addiction,
this insanity.  I saw no worth
in those around me, lacking IQ,
short on vocabulary, uneducated.
I couldn't believe them my equals,
my peers, people from whom
I might learn.

I didn't know the God I professed
cared enough to help with my food,
to stanch the sugary river ending
in the ocean of my neediness.
That he would and could when I hinted
ever so slightly, as timidly as could be,
my willingness.

I didn't know the ocean of love,
the acres of care, the universe of help
waiting for me to know
what I didn't know.

Various Haiku

major project...chaos afoot
real pressure
call of comfort food
refrigerator seducing
food addict
a magnet
rooms of recovery
loving people
living room
make a meeting
recovery in concert
welcome home
decades of gluttony overcome
a flavorful bite endows joy

It Has to Happen

Once we truly make the leap to believe, no matter what, that a power greater than ourselves will restore us to sanity and will take care of every other issue in our lives as well, we cannot ever fail to recover, and the compulsion to binge disappears. It has to happen! ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 758-760).

It has to happen.
Cause and effect,
the laws of physics,
the basic truths
of the universe,
it has to happen.
Inevitable, sure,
certain, assured,
unavoidable.
It has to happen.
IF I truly make
the leap to believe.

God Is a River

God is a river, watering my life,
nourishing the dormant seeds
of creativity and confidence,
of love.
God is the bubbling spring
and the endless ocean,
the beginning and the end.
When I open myself
to know what is within,
when I allow the power
and majesty of God
to not merely pass through me
but to be integrated,
when I become one with the flow,
then all I could ever need is mine,
and I am wealthy
beyond any possibility of hope,
the true wealth of peace.

Too Much in My Head

Inside my head, insane, unable to cope,
unwilling to admit a lack of power,
an incapacity, a self-proclaimed failure —
but only in my mind, proclaimed to shame,
declared to reinforce. To the world,
I must appear perfect, indefatigable,
invincible.
When the charade draws to a close,
when I find people who tell my story
so convincingly, so completely,
so spookily on the mark...
when I escape from the cage of my head
it's then I find that mind I lost...