Real Enough

Quoting a small child in a learning environment including both: "Robots are real enough to take the place of the turtles." (A researcher on a NPR program before I woke up enough to site better.)

I was real enough to get by,
to function even pretty well
but inside was mechanical,
automated, fake pretending well.
I wasn't real enough to be me.

Abstinence

A compulsive overeater can’t fully grasp and develop a spiritual way of life while bingeing, any more than an alcoholic can while still drinking... Now I needed to be open and receptive to the discipline in eating and in the other areas of my life which were suggested in OA. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2444-2445, 2450-2451).

Just a bite isn't just a bite
but a wedge  between me and my rights,
my hope, my future, my recovery,
my sanity. Maybe a tiny wedge won't hurt
but then again how many single tiny wedges
have there been, will there be if that one bite
starts to drive the wedge?

I'm powerless, not just over apple fritters, Blizzards —
but over an extra carrot, just a plain mini-bagel,
a few extra ounces of the right stuff.
I'm powerless over what I put in my mouth
but I have a Power who can overcome,
who stands constant wanting me to accept that great gift,
abstinence.

Childlike

teachable
as a child learning
recovering

The Faithfulness of Moses

He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house. ~ Hebrews 3:2 (NIV)

Besides a seeming inability to accept much on faith, we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Pages 47-48

Say Moses died at 120,
less wandering forty years, twice,
lose maybe five more years 
after shedding sandals 
for the burning bush — 
at my age was he scared, 
maybe obstinate, touchy,
hating Egyptians? 
Did Moses learn faithfulness?
When? In an instant, picking up that rod?
In seven days of plagues?
During forty nights and days on Sinai?
I’ve got only one day,
one night, 
right now.
But I’m faithful now.

Lord, Paul talked about 
the shield of faith, 
helmet of salvation,
and sword of the spirit.
I pray for all of that 
and the grace to accept it when offered.

From A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us

Weakness or Strength?

We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​page 68

Giving up, admitting I can't do this
should be humiliation, chagrin, embarrassment.
How could I do that, I who know so much,
have such talent, am such a leader?
How could I lay down all my armor
and surrender?
                             Actually, easily.
It's all about the what, the who, the why.
When I finally, at long last, give up
and ​know​ there's no way I can manage me,
my life, my day, the food I eat —
when I admit I'm without power —
then and only then can I fully find
just what it is those who've come to these rooms,
stayed, lived lives of recovery —
then can I realize what they've been saying
that a Power greater than I ​can ​manage me.

Teachable

Once we have become teachable, we can give up old thought and behavior patterns which have failed us in the past, beginning with our attempts to control our eating and our weight. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 131-132).

Teachable. I don't want to be taught,
prefer the role of teacher. But, still.
I know where my behavior, my decisions,
my leadership got me — smack dab in miserable.
Teachable. Is it so bad to have someone else
point out the pitfalls, identify the traps,
make a few suggestions? I can take it from there.
Teachable. A few suggestions aren't what I need.
I need a copy of ​Living Recovery for Dummies.​
I don't need to be in charge, don't need the podium.
I can just sit back and be teachable.
Now if I just ​will.​

Let the Distance Heal

Resentment is like drinking poison
and waiting for the other do die.
Clinging to anger, to hurt, to victimhood
imprisons two – the one resented
and the prison guard, the one with the key.
Sure, praying for him would get it done,
but what if you can't, if you'd rather die,
prefer to stay bound to him just to hold him in?
What if you'll never forget the hurt, the agony,
the shame, the fear, the miserable years?
Are you stuck for life?
No. You don't have to do the impossible —
even if forgiveness may come from release...
Just set him in a bubble, floating, separate from you.
Wrap him in closure and watch him drift away,
far away, beyond the range of hurt. Watch the distance
as it looses the bonds and sets you free
and disentangled from him.

Effervescent Peace

All is well with the world,
in my soul, in my life.
Gratitude flows, not because
'tis the season to be thankful,
others number daily blessings,
we owe it to the Pilgrims and Indians...
Gratitude flows, for life is good,
because I have a right to good times,
to joy. Numbers come easily,
much to welcome. But joy comes from within,
from acceptance, from freedom from fear,
from acknowledging I have worth.
Peace bubbles up, spiced with joy.

From "Life Effervescent" by Camille. (http://coachcreativespace.ning.com/profiles/blogs/life-effervescent)

Slow Thaw

Sometimes ice seems hard as iron,
frigid, untouchable, numbing any who dare contact.
Iron rusts, lasts forever – or so it seems.
Ice, though, may – if ambient molecules live —
soften, weep, seep, meld harsh corners,
lose the edge. Drip by drop by trickle
ice may warm, may reveal depths not seen
so many ice ages long.
Frozen relationships seem hopeless,
but ice melts.

To Change the Status

Post a new status on Facebook,
tell the world you're grumpy, mad, bad...
life as you know it is over, what's for breakfast.
From married to single, or "It's complicated."
Status once meant social class, rank,
hierarchy, prestige. Green Card. Deployed.
Maybe the new meaning comes closer to real.
Status isn't set at birth, determined by education,
a semi-permanent state. Status comes from within.
What am I now, this moment? Sane? Crazy?
Serene, psychic, settled, so-so, soaring?
Am I drowning in doubt and discontent
or setting out to new heights of cognizance,
of accomplishment, of compassion?
Status comes from within. I can change it
for worse or for better.

No Mo' Yo-Yo

My new motto is, "No mo' yo-yo." ~ Vicki Butts

Newest diet, pounds come off
for a while... then the food calls,
a bite, two, the allergy kicks in,
King Food rules! Pounds climb up.
Pills! Foolproof, chemical relief...
but they drive up stats the doc
disdains. Stop the meds,
gain the weight. Hypnosis!
It's all in the head, but then again
so's the craving, the compulsion,
the insanity. Nothing works, it's hopeless.
I'm hopeless, unable to cope,
a miserable wreck, a failure.
Willpower? A joke. Maybe some,
in other ways, but the comfort of food?
Willpowerless. Overeaters Anonymous.
Sounds like folks like me, like my kind,
hiding in shadows eating for ten.
Rooms of Recovery. These people are me...
maybe, just maybe, I can say like them,
"No mo' yo-yo."

Like a Sherpa

sherpa: : a member of a Tibetan people living on the high southern slopes of the Himalayas in eastern Nepal and known for providing support for foreign trekkers and mountain climbers

I don't know everything,
but I've climbed this mountain.
I know where it's slick, deceptive,
where the crevices are crossable.
I don't know everything,
but I've worked this program.
I know where temptations taunt,
where the steps lead, how it fits.
I need lots of leading, of help from folk,
but I can sponsor you. I'm glad you asked.

Who Decides?

The only problem is...who decides what is the greater good? ~ "Gunny Cee"

Election day, passions roil.
Words fly. Friends fling affronts.
Who decides? We, the people.
What if we doesn't agree with me?
How could anyone support
the one I loathe? What's the plan, the aim?
The supreme quality for leadership
is unquestionably integrity,
so Eisenhower said. Integrity's battered,
trammeled. Doubts and fears swarm,
infest. Trust atrophies.
We, the people. We decide.
How to form a more perfect union,
ensure domestic tranquility,
how to be, how to take the next right step.
We, the people, are a mighty force.
But we can always be aided
by a higher power, by real wisdom.

Doing and Thinking

Harder to DO than THINK?
Can be. When it's self willing the do.
Getting the thinking out of the way
makes it much easier, totally possible.
When we work the program
if we think about it we're in self will.
If we release it, we're in God's will.

How to release you ask? Do the footwork,
eat the right stuff, but —
you're doing it for the health —
spiritual and emotional as well as physical.
Which outcome comes first
is none of your business.
You're a soldier following orders,
taking the next right step
according to your training
and the direction you receive
by being receptive to it.
You know what you need to do.
Just follow the commands
of your training, your education,
your intellect, and your Higher Power.

Love to Help Other People Be Happy

You need to love to help other people be happy, and if that's your passion, to make other people be happy, then you'll organize their world in a way that they can have these experiences. So I think I can say that's what managers need to do but there's no cookbook of how to do it. At this point it's really quite intuitive. ~ Clayton Christensen

God, get me out of the way.
My ego has no place, my pride doesn't matter,
it's your cause, your design, your grand plan
and all I need do is spread the message,
pass on the design, let the world know
there's peace and joy and serenity
there for the taking.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Amen, so be it.

Clayton Christensen

The Keys to Peace

I’ve realized that the key to my peace, not necessarily my “happiness,” lies in turning my life over to my Higher Power one day at a time. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 3466-3468)

Happiness versus peace.
Happiness seems to be
dependent on circumstances,
on the moment, tied to external.
Peace bubbles up from inside,
can weather tragedy, adversity,
disappointment. Peace just is.
God, I offer myself to you,
to build with me and do with me
as you will. Take away difficulties,
relieve the bondage of self
not for me but for the greater good.
And that leaves me with peace.
What more could I want?

Lives Once Wrecked and Wretched

Mistakes are made
for learning from,
for growing past,
for building on.
Lives once wrecked
and wretched
wield wondrous
hope to pilgrims
anxious to emulate
the footfalls, to follow
step by step
in the trek
to recovery.

God, take my life and let it be
redemptive in your hands
for others

A CLOUD OF WITNESSES is our gift to you this All Saints Day. Download it free by clicking this picture before midnight Friday, November 2, 2012 (PDT). Get a free Kindle reader with this link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?ie=UTF8&docId=1000493771. And we thank you, our cloud of witnesses, our hallows.

Taken from A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us responding to Hebrews 8:6-7 and Big Book passage from page 124, "% Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that experience is the thing of supreme value in life. That its true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets."

Hallows

Hallow: noun archaic
a saint or holy person. ~ Apple Dictionary, Version 2.2.3 (118.5)

All hallows eve,
the day before All Saints Day
becomes hallowe'en,
a day of costumes, candy,
metaphysical, creatures strange,
death examined.
Halloween, a day to begin bingeing
to be continued daily, vigorously
until the distress brought by gluttony
ends – a least for a day or two —
to the tune of "Auld Lang Syne."

Excessive food need not be
with the grace and blessing of the saints —
those who've passed after preparing the road
and those who walk the recovery way
each day, that day, all day.

A CLOUD OF WITNESSES is our gift to you this All Saints Day. Download it free by clicking this picture before midnight Friday, November 2, 2012 (PDT). Get a free Kindle reader with this link. And we thank you, our cloud of witnesses, our hallows.

From Prayer to Prayer

I was there tonight
for the opening prayer,
stayed past the closing one,
but was I present? No.
My mind had moved on,
planning the drive home,
how to expedite it.
Fingers fiddled with phone,
not taking notes,
not recording jewels of thought —
for my mind didn't grasp them
for fingers to trace.

Beyond the Zone

“Do not resist events that move you out of your comfort zone, especially when your comfort zone was not all that comfortable.” ~ Alan Cohen

Beyond comfort
life waits.

Dratted uncomfortable
here in a misnamed zone.

Comfort – overrated
until its astounding
discovery

Odd haikus
lacking rules
sans straightjacket

How miserable
this myth called comfort

Not Too Good

God's not too good
to answer prayer for simplest things,
for sleep, for driving past temptation,
for remembering a name
or finding something lost.
God's not too good
for little things, for quirks
like crossing yourself
when you're not Catholic
or yelling at him in frustration.
God's not too good
to be my friend, to see humor
in trivia, get joy from snapshot details,
to care about me and my fears,
my concerns, my feelings, about me.

Astounding

Mediocre, run-of-the-mill
gets us anonymity, obscurity,
safety. Safe, obscure, unknown
suits me just fine. But am I ready
to waste the gifts I've been given?
Am I willing to step out,
take center stage, to dare to allow
what could happen if truly
I surrender and turn the making of me
over to He who I agreed should have it?
Am I ready to chance being astounding?

Up and Down

Over the long haul, our weight went up and our self-esteem went down. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Location 161)

Mother told me she could glance
and know the status of my life —
the heavier, the more miserable,
the more lacking in pride,
in confidence, in peace.
We broadcast our recovery
like our defeat, in shapely skin
but more in ease, in joy, in serenity,
in confidence beaming through
lives at long last lived with dignity.

Tired and Sick

Normal doesn't dictate
the order of clichés.
Trim and fit, mean and lean,
mighty and high —
some work as well,
though all feel askew.
Truth can dwell in dissonance.
How often has fatigue come first,
as old, sick patterns tag along?

Love Like Crazy

People loved me when I was crazy. I want to be like that and love other people who are crazy. ~ Kaitlin

You loved me like crazy
when insanity clutched me,
pulled my strings —
when I channeled Lady Macbeth,
guilt and self-flagellation reigning.
You modeled sanity, serenity
when such foreign notions
belonged in fairy tales,
slapstick parodies, fantasy.
You led me, suggested simplest steps —
acting like, just doing, not thinking.
You heard me out, without accusing,
never laughing at my pathos, my plight.
You repeated, restated, found similes.
You told your tale, illuminating my path.
Bit by bit, little by slow, we lived the plan
until I find myself sitting here,
greeting newcomers, ready, anxious,
loving the chance
to love them like crazy.

From www.funnyanimalpictures.net

Recycling Roadmarks

Like a trail winding up a mountain,
as the twirling blade of an auger,
circling from one up escalator
to the next and next and next —
the path seems an endless loop
without perspective to detect the climb.
We work the steps, one to two, three
then four and five. Six, seven, eight and nine
with the last three ever cycling.
One climb reaches height, but the "there"
consistently recedes, ever out of reach.
It's not a maze, not an endless loop,
but ever pressing further, fuller,
moving into recovery, into joy,
into fulfillment without ever ending
the joy of the journey.

Photo by Pierre Metivier

I Could Begin

It wasn't A.A. that had the closed mind, it was me. The minute I stopped arguing, I could begin to see and feel. Right there, Step Two gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. ~ ​Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (Alcoholics Anonymous), page 27

I could begin to see.
I could begin to feel.
I could begin to live.
I could begin to believe.
When I quit arguing,
justifying, stretching truth,
wallowing in guilt,
preening with pride,
believing myself above...
When I got real
I could begin!

As Willing as the Dying

Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to A.A., and there discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become open-minded to conviction and as willing as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us. ~ ​Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions ​(Alcoholics Anonymous)

How willing can the dying be —
and what's the definition of dying?
It can't be the philosophical one,
we're born and begin dying then
for willfulness seems a mandatory stage
in the maturity process.
Can it be dying as a doctor saying
what you're doing is going to kill you?
Maybe for some – it depends
on the persuasiveness of the doctor,
the receptiveness of the patient.
And what about when there's no question —
eminence can't be challenged —
but medical or metaphysical miracle
rewrites the script? Are you still dying
when you didn't?
How miserable do we have to be in addiction
before the message comes through?
Is it harder after we've found it,
the lifting of the merciless obsession,
and let it ebb away because finally
we aren't – weren't – dying anymore?

Consequences

When I lose that battle with my will, my will gets stronger. I haven't lost it over an apple. Yet. ~ Joy C

I'm tired. It's just a smidgen.
I deserve it. It's really not breaking rules,
not even bending -- much.
Nobody cares. And if they did
99% of the world
would see this doubt as absurd.
Perfectionism is a defect, an imperfection.
But I know better. The fact I'm rationalizing
means I'm fighting my willfulness.
And if I yield this time the game board changes,
advantage will. Chalk ones more up for
setting me up for relapse. The apple's not worth it.

Feet in the Water

 Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water’s edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam in the vicinity of Zarethan, while the water flowing down to the Sea of the Arabah (that is, the Dead Sea) was completely cut off. So the people crossed over opposite Jericho. ~ Joshua 3:15-16 (NIV)

A heavy box, flood-stage waters,
men in long, heavy robes
walking – with trepidation perhaps,
but walking nonetheless.
Steps into the scary, footfalls into faith.
Whether into the Jordan or into cutting words
one foot, next step, forward once more
our footfalls, too, move without knowledge,
confidence precarious, but move as told
with a prayer that we be shown
all through the day
what our next step is to be.*

* ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​page 87

Sing with My Understanding

I will sing with my spirit, but I will also sing with my understanding. ~ 1 Corinthians 14:15b (NIV)

They say you can't be too dumb
to recover — you can be too smart.
Certainly there's reason for so saying
yet it's not necessarily true.
Analysis plays the boogie-bear.
Sorting out pieces, working the puzzle,
arguing logic disagrees, debunks glibness.
Simple feels flippant, absurd,
like it dishonors the Power, denigrates truth.
Simple, not easy – but obvious, inevitable,
the one logical exegesis,
what remains when all else is tried.
And when intelligence melds
transformative with obvious,
yields to the irony,
embraces the preposterous —
then acuity sheds its handicap
and gleefully explores possibilities,
providing vocabulary, metaphor, clarity
to the melody of Recovery.

What It's Like Now

In the Twelve-Step format of Overeaters Anonymous we tell what it was like, what happened, and what's happening now. Short answers: Whoa! Wow! Whee!!!!! ~ OAStepper, Slender Steps to Sanity

The past. Almost six years ago, and so distant!
Yet again, fair is fair, the worst was fifteen years ago.
Back when I had no idea what I thought or wanted,
but could parrot others' opinions, desires.
When I knew I was successful but felt a miserable failure,
when food was my solace, my friend, my...demon.
Then I read a book, found friends on printed page,
others who suffered the torment, whose cravings ruled,
who had willpower in all else but were powerless over food.
I found I need not be apart but could really become a part.
And today! I'm sufficient. I'm real. I'm whole. I'm proud of me.
I matter. I make a difference. I can do all things
through Christ who strengthens me!

As the Feeling for a Friend

We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 838-839).

God, our friend. Some kind of God,
but a friend. God as we understand him.
All the years I analyzed God, understood
about God, worshiped him, acknowledged him.
But the friendship? Not really. Knowledge of
doesn't equal acquaintance with.
Theology isn't relationship. I'm less sure now
what God is like, but that makes sense, too.
I can have a firm grasp on a public figure,
but my friends? They're tough to figure out!

Tarry

Things to do, jobs unfinished,
people depending on me.
Why does it always seem I'm behind,
tardy, when nobody's pushing but me?
Theres value in pausing, in being still,
in knowing the awesomeness
of my constant companion. Today
I'll spell the word as "tarry," not "tardy."

Creative Braincells

Your creative braincells are always there. You're just using them to worry. ~ Ginny Greene as quoted by Jo Cox

Writers' block? No, not really.
Could be procrastination,
less well known but precisely
chronic low-intensity fear.
Could be lack of commitment,
the idea of being a novelist,
just wanting it to happen,
waiting for a ​Today Show debut.
Could be food fog, drug mania,
a drunken stupor,
hiding from potential,
seeking a feeling long-since gone
from psychic crutches.
Could be anxiety, concern,
guilt, angst, trepidation,
failure to realize we've no need
to succeed, to prove, to produce.
We need only do the next right thing
and trust Power from outside
to show our insides.

The Truth

Witnesses swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, nothing but it
then lie and hedge and spin their truth.
Paul said to think on things true, noble, right,
and more, but truth came first.
Knowing the truth will set us free.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
Truth evolves. I can tell the truth,
the real truth, and in the telling
grow, evolve, move toward perfection
another millimeter, and in my growth
the truth progresses, illuminates,
refines so the truth told, still true,
can be stated further, clarified,
and as long as I tell the truth,
as long as I hear and digest the truth,
the principle, the depth, the excellence
expands, perfects.

Not Here

Meeting Leader:  What you hear here, whom you see here, when you leave here, let it stay here.
Group Response:  Hear! Hear!

We bare our souls, say to strangers
what we would hesitate to confess
to priest or counselor.
We show our face, tell our fears,
confess our defects to competitors,
to our children's teachers, to police —
and fear no repercussions, no blame.
Close friends meet in public, greet,
talk of normal things,
find difficult the query,
"How do you know each other?"
Two connect in the rooms, bond —
ask last names for wedding invitations.
We nod across a crowded room,
go about the activity with folks
we barely know, avoid gravitating
to our friend to maintain the curtain,
to protect the secrets of our insanity
and the hope of what we've found.

An Addict's Mind

I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Location 685)

I don't want to be a normal eater.
I don't want to wander through a buffet,
get three things, try a bite of each,
and declare myself full. No,
I want to live up to the dare, ​All you can eat!
I have other issues than food, being compulsive,
period. Fears, resentments, defects
run rampant, bopping up like rodents,
a constant game of Whack-a-mole.
It really is a disease, a dis-ease
an ailment and affliction,
making life unmanageable.
Yes, I'm an addict with an addict's mind.
Thank goodness!
I wouldn't want to miss out
on Recovery.

Haiku Bill W

With a nod to Carlos Colón aka Haiku Elvis.

Hopeless...
Silkwood. Ebby.
Jigsaw thoughts.

Why recall sot's
odd epitaph
decades later?

Drunks discard
stunning news
that's changing me

you guys didn't
nor did I write it
but God did 

An Akron drunk
to keep me sober
but so much more 

Continued

The tenth step begins with the word “continued,” our first clue that perseverance is about to become a key aspect of our recovery program. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 963-964).

Daddy always said,
"There's nothing new
and improved,"
but don't we keep trying?
Enough of this meal plan.
It's boring – I deserve a change.
I'm tired of reporting my food,
of weighing and measuring.
If I don't know four ounces by sight
by now, there's something wrong.
I've read all the "approved"
books – this one's surely as good,
and it speaks to me.
They say, "More will be revealed"
so how will I know it if I don't try
more ways of doing this?

Sigh. I know better. Boring is better
than bingeing. "What we really have 
is a daily reprieve contingent
on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."

 

Willing. Not Wanting To.

We need to remember, however, that we can be willing to do something we don’t want to do. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 872-873).

Willing to make amends,
to admit my fault, to make it right.
Willing. Prepared...can be eager,
inclined, amenable to, a volunteer
but can be dreading, hating the idea,
anxious, even terrified. But willing.
Knowing full well sometimes
the best way out is through.
And trusting our sponsor's guidance,
ready to face the consequences,
knowing sometimes the piper
must be paid. But we made a decision.
A big one. We turned our will and our lives
over to the God of our understanding,
every day, one at a time, trusting.
And he is trustworthy,
he won't lead us into a place
where he's not there with us.

The Lord's Prayer Incarnate

We're the Lord's Prayer incarnate. We have certainly trespassed against each other. ~  Pete Townshend about Roger Daltrey

Offensive. Blasphemous. Sacrilege.
Won't God be offended?
Don't we wear our offenses,
our trespasses, around our necks,
a fetter to our past, to our sins?
How can we presume to find kinship
with the almighty, the creator,
the everlasting, omnipotent, the one?
Like the woman caught in adultery,
when other sinners would stone her
the Power does not condemn
but loves. Like the thief on the cross
pardoned for asking, whether he understood
or not, welcomed. Like Paul said
that nothing – not death, not life,
not angels, principalities, powers —
not our inadequacies and failures
can separate us. Truly we are
The Lord's Prayer in the flesh.

The Joy of Jumping In

I have experienced the joy of jumping in without self-consciousness and rising to my own and others’ expectations. ~ For Today (Kindle Location 2703)

Standing on the sidelines is safe,
protected, unobtrusive... disappointing.
Jumping in is fearsome, intimidating,
terrifying, unnerving... exhilarating.
Memoirs don't exalt wallflowering,
a toe in the water makes no memories.
I have talents I never dreamed of
and a Power directing my life
fully aware I'd sell myself short
given the chance, not propelled
to real life.
 

Easy!

 Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach. It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, “Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?” Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, “Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?” No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it. ~ Deuteronomy 30:11-14 (NIV)

God told Moses, "It's easy,
quit making it so hard."
God says we need no miracles,
have no call to visit faraway lands,
to figure out logistics,
to move heaven and earth
to do what he tells us.
Like for Moses, the answer for me
is, "It's easy. Quit making it hard."
But when I try with all my might,
when I white-knuckle it through,
when I resolve to do it and well...
that's when it's hard, for I can't get there
of my own volition, even if there
is right here inside me. 

Persevere to Recovery

My stubbornness is becoming perseverance. ~ Chris

A fundamental flaw they call it,
stubbornness – one of seven chief flaws,
a feature dominating a personality.
Always negative, by nature.
Not like most traits, those going either way,
stubbornness is to be stifled, overcome,
shunned as an Achille's heel.
Resistance to change, good, bad, just different,
No, no no! You can't make me, I won't!What do they know? Stubbornness comes from fear,
homesteads in a heart. But persistent, permanent,
irrevocable, it's not. Not when Recovery
can find positive stubbornness
and call it perseverance.

 

Explain vs. Experience

I can't explain it the way you can experience it. ~ Vernetta Howell

I can tell my story,
what it was like, what happened,
the miracle that is now.
I can describe the meetings,
the people, the sense of finally
coming home – at last —
to the place you've never been.
I can relate the sense of peace,
the difference in not being eaten up
with fear, with resentment, with hatred.
I can lionize recovery, the phenomenon
of finally living, of victory,
of  love and understanding
beyond my wildest dreams – and yours!
But none of it will change you, will rescue you
like the experience of living it yourself.

What Did I Say?

You asked several times what I said
and words came out, flowed from my mouth,
bypassing the brain. Hurtful words, I guess.
You took offense... or did you pretend?
Did you hear just fine and feign offense
so I'd be wrong or at least believe you thought
me wrong? How much is an act, a farce,
your not wanting to be involved and hanging it
on me? I didn't feel hateful, spoke innocently,
felt no malice. But maybe it's time for amends.
What did I do? How can I make amends
beyond a generalized mea culpa? 
I guess the time has come for living amends
when I can't even remember what I said.
Anyway, tomorrow will be better.

The Voice of God

Get out of my way and I'll tell you how to breathe miracles. ~ Dexter (quoting God)

The voice of God
speaks in our heads,
from the mouths of folk
we had no intention
to hear say anything,
in the passage next
when it's our turn to read...
The voice of God
could be coincidence,
karma, an ironic joke.
But when we're open,
when we really mean
Your will, not mine
then we know – no doubt —
that's what it is,
the voice of God.

Little Boons

On this hand a thumbs up
for safe travel, for technology.
Disappointments could intrude,
could rob the day of glad —
bumps in the road, hiccups.
Computer froze, missed good stuff,
might be there to ferret out, maybe.
But good stuff was heard, shared.
Planes were late, but they did fly,
arriving safely late.
Hey, free night in pleasant place,
folks to share the ride.
A touch of freshly odd.
Sane life, not knocked ajar
by a different path to take.

Came to Believe

When you wish upon a star,
when you tire of who you are,
when the things you had to keep
make you want to take a leap...

When trite phrases fail to hide
the pain, the agony of insane lives
and hearts cry out to Power unknown —
when strangers offer words of hope,
changing striving for to open heart —
when one person living truth,
mirrors hope, what life could be —
when a mind is forced to face
a world that's larger than the rules —

When we finally face stark truth:
our futile tries can't stop the pain,
we have no power to manage food

then truth appears, perhaps sudden,
a spectacular upheaval,
maybe slowly, awareness growing —
still, indisputable change,
a coming to believe.