Fear of Love

People with low self-esteem fear love.... They doubt another person’s ability to appreciate them, because they don’t see the worth in themselves. ~ Kylie Scott, Deep

Fear of love. I want to shout. "Not me, love is good,
nothing to fear!" But I know I've been there, done that,
lived that awful lie! I voiced it as,"I don't have friends,
though some people believe I'm their friend."
I knew that was possible, that could be because I tried,
I helped others. But who could love me? Was it possible?
Maybe. I supposed, since the Bible orders it, and God could,
because God is love, but I knew at the same time the Bible really didn't
"tell me so." How could a person love me? Well, Mother and Daddy,
because that was their job! But it wasn't until I got to the rooms,
found people who told my story like they'd lived it
and were abundantly lovable, and I did, and I loved the other one
there in the world among those lovable people,
so I was no longer afraid of love and found the ability to appreciate
the one in whom I'd seen no worth.

Don't Act Like It

..recovery has taught me that even though I may think like a compulsive overeater, I don’t have to act like one. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 369).

The pralines at checkout at Walgreens, including
the "no sugar added" variety with only a hundred sixty calories,,
the cookie jar in my old office, the wonderful rolls
at Texas Roadhouse, the free candy in the Sonic bag,
the donut shop I drive past knowing well
the apple fritters I used to buy there, the cookies
beside the coffeepot at Sunday afternoon coffee gathering...
Yes, the call to me but that doesn't mean I must answer.
I am a compulsive overeater and always will be
but I understand those foods that try to lure me in
promise the opposite of what they give,
that instead of comfort they promise they deliver guilt,
self-loathing and larger clothes, that the easier answer reallyis, they don't meet my needs. Thank God!

Using Directions for Change

Only when I know who I am can I make use of the directions that tell me how I can change. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 1396-1397).

When I was a child, I thought as a child,
acted like a child, followed directions more or less.
I had my own ideas, schemes and plans,
but for the most part did as parents and teachers
suggested. Only as ab adult did I really choose,
and not until I surpassed the food fog that haunted me
did I understand I didn't have to do it alone but had
the ability to listen ti a power greater than grownups,
to say, "Not my will but Yours."

Acceptance

Acceptance is the simple act of going through what is presently facing me, be it pain, anger, despair, hopelessness or their opposites. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 80-81)

An old lawyer told me when I began practicing law,
"Sometimes the best way out is through."
He meant when the ideal way ti handle a case
would be by agreement to reasonable terms
but the client believed their position was absolutely right
and compromise was out of the question,
then you try the case after saying the other could be best,
but you did your best, presented the arguments,
brought out the favorable facts, and win or loose
you had done the right thing, the best way out was through.
In our own lives the same is true. You have responsibilities,
you honor them, do your best until you're gone through,
whatever is presently facing you, be it pain, anger, despair,
hopelessness...or their opposites.

Source of Happiness

If it's easy, it's easy. Before it's done,
while it's happening, after it's finished...
The thought processes involved,
even if the work were impressive to the world,
to the actor is second nature, nothing for more thought.
But what is difficult for that person
no matter how difficult for others
is a process worthy of planning, of thought,
of appreciation and recollection,
of a feeling of accomplishment,
and from that job well done comes happiness,
afterglow, satisfaction.

The First Addiction

After twenty-four years in the program, I began to see that self-hatred was my first addiction. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Third Edition (Kindle Locations 869-870).

Some of us were chubby toddlers, never healthy body weights,
some ideal weight into our twenties then encountered incest,
abusive spouses, a terrible event that destroyed our confidence,
our sanity, our will to be. Whatever the original stimulation...
religious zealotry, sexual assault, destitution, deprivation...whatever,
the original addiction was self-hatred, guilt, narcissism, jealousy,
feeling less than, inadequate. Somehow we knew this
and took other addictions that in the beginning lessened the pain.

Odd Duck In

I was alone, and I knew it. I was and am an odd duck— intelligent, yet lacking common sense and tact. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 244-245).

The odd duck, I always felt like that.
I believed several people considered me their friend,
but I had no friends. I knew I was intelligent...
you can't disbelieve that many tests,
but otherwise, surely nobody else could be so inept!
But Recovery remedied that, for I fit in, belonged!
I was accepted for what I was, not for what I could become.
free of guilt, without shame, without self-hate.
In OA I can accept and like myself exactly as I am.
An odd duck I might be, but finally the odd duck in!

Change of Residence

Today I live in the answer—the Steps and the tools. I changed residence, and the problem went away. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 314-315).

We talk in Recovery of a geographic, of an attempt
to manage an unmanageable life by going away,
abandoning the life we find miserable, ourselves powerless,
substituting another locale to which
we may have brought little of worldly goods.
all of our addictions, every single problem.
But if the move we make is to live in the answer, in the Steps,
then we have achieved perfection, making Recovery our life,
the Steps our path. At that point the past has really taken
its rightful place, the past from which we escaped,
the stories remembered for their usefulness in telling
those who still suffer of the difference between was was then
and the experiences of promises fulfilled.

Leadership

One wise person is stronger than ten leading citizens of a town! ~ Ecclesiastes 7:19 (New Living Translation)

Don’t dress that way – people will talk.
Don’t say things like that –
others won’t approve.
The rules of our parents?
The practice of our adult lives?
One cannot rule a country
based on the polls.
Leadership means standing in front and,
well,
leading.

God, help me listen to you
rather than the voices of disapproval
all around me.
Let me know the right
then give me courage
to fearlessly pursue that course.

We Have a Step

We have a Step that answers any problem we have. And people who have had the spiritual experience that results from working these Steps want to share their experience. They know what they did, and they can help others by carrying this message. Indeed, we are compelled by Step 12 to “carry this message.” ~ McQ, Joe. Carry This Message (Kindle Locations 184-186).

Recovery is a huge subject,
the total of everything said each day
in meetings around the world,
between sponsors and sponsorees,
the writing members do, countless phone calls,
text messages, emails, god box slips,
Fourth Step inventories... There's no end.
But there is a single program, twelve specific Steps,
for a single Primary Purpose of carrying
the message to the compulsive overeater who still suffers.
Recovery is a huge subject but in its purest form
a very specific program.

Surrender Means Surrender

And Jesus answered and said to him, “It is said, ‘YOU SHALL NOT PUT THE LORD YOUR GOD TO THE TEST.’ " ~  New American Standard Bible - NASB 1995  (Kindle Locations 44740-44742).

How often do we try to  manipulate HP
even if we phrase it otherwise?
Surely HP can't blame us, knowing our history as
nobody else possibly could?
After all, surely a loving God wanted healthy,
effective servants, couldn't he make our valiant efforts
help him out? Then we found Recovery
and that that phrase, Thy  will, not mine
be done.  But it felt the same. Surely
a healthy body weight was what he'd have for us...
That had to be his will for us! But it's not.
His will for us is the three-legged stool.
Spiritual, emotional, and spiritual recovery.
And if we have all three we have the right weight, right?
No, if we/re bargaining we lack recovery in one or two or three ways.
You shall not put HP to the test. Surrender means surrender.

No Room for Prejudice

When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice. ~ Donald J. Trump

What do you love? If it's food, drugs, alcohol, gambling...
anything worthy of your heart...if you love righteously,
honestly, with your whole heart, you'll find no room left
foe resentment, hatred, envy, prejudice. Recovery people
know this well from Fourth, Fifth, Eighth and Ninth Steps.
from learning what someone else thinks of you
is none of your business, that what you think of someone
is none of your business. Now these three remain:
faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

A Brick Wall

I know I cannot walk through a brick wall, and I’ve totally accepted this fact, so I don’t try. I don’t even resent the fact that I can’t do it. When I accept Step One as completely as this, I am easily abstinent. I am free. ~Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 1734-1736).

When is butting up against a brick wall a good idea?
When it's a metaphor and you know it!
When you acknowledge the impossibility,
accept it and embrace it, knowing
you're no more likely to beat your cravings down
as you are to demolish a brick wall with your head.
So use your head as a to break the addiction down
and leave your head for its best purpose.

Foolish Ideas

You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Galatians 3:1 (NIV)

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Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk! (Alcoholics Anonymous 36-37)

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Knowing better,
having experienced the glory
of doing it well,
of living recovery,
of achieving alignment
of my life with His...
Despite years of study,
repeated recommittals,
leadership roles,
extensive service...
Cognizant it's counterintuitive,
embarrassed to fall short,
to miss the mark,
to have settled for less...
God, I know I'm foolish,
that I'm a failure.
No, not a failure.
I'm yours, you made me,
and you don't make failures.
But I know better.

Help me to choose better.

God, I know I'm foolish.
Let me turn loose,
surrender,
and be the success you choose

to make me.

Freedom

..a newfound freedom, the freedom that comes as a result of practicing unconditional love and acceptance of the person I am today. ~Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 200-201).

It didn't feel like bondage, more like freedom.
At least at first. Freedom to reward myself
with sweets, treats, without limitation...
except when a clerk at a source of bliss
knew me well enough to know my order
instantly. That meant a changed routine.
Different drive-throughs. The erstwhile freedom
bared its teeth long before I recognized the chains,
understood the oppression and found the key.
Twelve simple steps, simple but not easy,
yielding the practice of love, including loving me.
That freedom is well worth giving up the food,
the sly furtiveness, replacing it with joy, love,
freedom!

The Origin of Resentment

Surely oppression maketh a wise man mad; and a gift destroyeth the heart. ~ Ecclesiastes 7.7 KJV

Mad as Hell.
Not going to take it any more.
Cruel, unjust treatment,
oppression.
You don’t have to treat me
like this, God!
I resent it.
I resent life.
I resent you.
What brought me here?
What happened?
I had everything I wanted.
I could
be
somebody!
The oughts, the shoulds, the talent —
they got in the way, destroyed me.

It’s not the gifts you gave,
it’s my insecurity
in my ability to use them.

A Time for Verse - Poetic Ponderings on Ecclesiastes (Kindle Locations 491-499).

The Proper Credentials

We don’t need certification, education, or credentials to share our program with fellow compulsive overeaters or to take service positions at our home meetings. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of OvereatersAnonymous (Kindle Locations 1831-1832).

We girls were told growing up we would be college-educated,
and they set the examples. Toddlers during the War to End Wars,
they were college graduates with a masters they both claimed.
The requirements for us included becoming prepared to teach
or nurse so we could follow husbands' jobs. With three degrees
in my name, I carried an education-arrogance, an erudite bias
making me judgmental, ready to dismiss people based on assumptions,
on grammatical ineptitude. I'd been in OA a year or two, had chosen
two sponsors and dismissed them without telling them, and asked a third.
Tradition Eight says there are no professional members of OA.
Inherent in this idea is that education, credentials, professional status
to spread the message. I learned that innately through my sponsor.
Yes, I can easily play the grammar-police and use polysyllabic words
she doesn't know, but HP chose well uniting us, repelling
a favorite character defect if mine, blessing me with wisdom
inaccessible through classrooms.

Tenacity

It's easy to resolve to lose weight,
to choose a weigh and pay program
or to come, for the first time or to return,
to Overeaters Anonymous. It's all easy...
to begin, But to keep on keeping on,
to keep coming back, to read literature,
to write down your thoughts, make phone calls,
to develop a plan of eating and an action plan,
to get to meetings and chip in to make them work,
writing, and maintaining anonymity,
while it's easy, it's not simple, but requires tenacity.
Find a place that feels right...where you're welcome home,
and put down roots with tenacity.

Rationalization

I’ve been benefited from a dictionary definition I found that reads: “Rationalization is giving a socially acceptable reason for socially unacceptable behavior, and socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity.” ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 6428-6429).

Good definition. Says the same thing as M-W,
to bring into accord with reason 
or cause something to seem reasonable.
to substitute a natural for a supernatural explanation
to create an excuse or more attractive explanation for...In other words, rationalization is insanity.
That to which we come to believe early in this Recovery journey
that a Power can lead in a different direction...
to sanity. Do you feel it these days when your "explanations"
are fiction, fairy tales?Are you ready to accept sanity as
a better trail than tall tales? than folklore?

Where Seeds Fall

“...the sower went out to sow; as he was sowing, some seed fell beside the road, and the birds came and ate it up. Other seed fell on the rocky ground where it did not have much soil; and immediately it sprang up because it had no depth of soil. And after the sun had risen, it was scorched; and because it had no root, it withered away. Other seed fell among the thorns, and the thorns came up and choked it, and it yielded no crop. Other seeds fell into the good soil, and as they grew up and increased, they yielded a crop and produced thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold.” ~ Mark 4:3-8 New American Standard Bible 

Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening 
as the result of these Steps, 
we tried to carry this message 
to compulsive overeaters 
and to practice these principles 
in all our affairs.  The wording is
tried to carry the message, and that's enough.
We share our story in meetings,
speak when requested for workshops, retreats,
conventions. We offer ourselves as sponsors,
do the best we can, but when we have offered
and surrendered to our Power, failures are not ours.
We continue to live and speak our truth,
and we've succeeded. When Bill began,and worked
for months bearing witness, he said it had not worked.
Lois, though knew the truth. She pointed out the amazing fact
that he was sober as he tried to carry the message.
Twelfth Step work is for us, and the blessing is
others benefit as well.

Last House on the Block

Many OA members describe OA as the last house on the block. I do not know if that is true since I do not know where the block begins or ends. I do know that what I found in OA can be found only in the heart and mind of another recovering compulsive overeater. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 215-217).

Where was your block?
Mine was a physician's suggestion
I have bariatric surgery
and being convinced  could not
when someone important to me
had lost hundreds with a weigh and pay
organization. I could not be weaker,
could not "cheat" in my way of thinking.
So I had to find a "fair" way to loose,
something that had actively evaded me
for half a century. It couldn't I knew,
but someone I trusted said it would,
and she was right! I now know
that what I found in OA
can be found only
in the heart and mind
of another recovering compulsive overeater.
The last house on the block!

The Problem

The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem. ~ Theodore Isaac Rubin

What use is a problem? Problems catching attention
of creative people result in inventions, discoveries...
A problem is a recurring issue that affects the quality
of a life or the absence of a feature or of needed information.
Members of Twelve-Step programs and problems
with substances or behaviors and with unmanageable lives,
as well. Of what use are these problems? They lead the people
to the benefits of  Recovery, to lives of Peace, Serenity and Joy!

It's the Process

The process of changing a life-style is more important than reaching a goal or measuring a performance. ~ Theodore Isaac Rubin

Years and years. the issue was the scale reading,
establishing a pattern, daily repetitions,
controlling the outcome with a goal set, established
on charts, that if I held true the pattern, in 18 months,
so many repetitions I would reign victorious,
having conquered the fat, established the body I would keep
the rest of my life, so life would be perfect...
except for a few rotten relationships with people
who didn't know how wonderful I was,
who insisted on treating me like I was a worthless farce.
Then ten years ago I discovered the concept of surrender,
of figuring out just how awful I had treated those folks
who disrespected me... I learned twelve simple steps
for changing a life-style and I'll keep on putting them into practice
so I can keep winning by surrendering.

Secret Things

“The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever, that we may observe all the words of this law. ~ New American Standard Bible - NASB 1995 (Without Translators' Notes) (Kindle Locations 9148-9150).

...That we may observe all the words of this law...
It's HP's business, possessions, domain.
But...the evidences, results, revelations are ours
and our progeny's forever. Why? Is it because
this is our own HP as we understand, not the God
of our parents, preachers, teachers, but evidence
HP was in the days of Moses and still remains
a Power willing to understand, accept, welcome
our earnest pursuit to understand this god
as we find him t0 be.

Not Perfect

No. I'm not perfect, I'm just okay. And that's enough. ~ IronMoe

Good enough is not good enough. At least that's the message
maturing in my head as I grew up. My perception of my childhood
is that A- was unacceptable. Why wasn't it A+? A garment stitched
had to be ripped out just because the sewing machine meandered
along the imaginary line. Slightly. I swore to it, even when the range
was occasionally five tenths of an inch, but ranged from a forth inch
to an inch and a quarter. My younger sister was allowed to pack for camp;
Mother put shorts and top pinned together in my bag
so the colors worked together, rather than my creative combos.
I got my first diet pills at thirteen because I failed at moderation.
I still don't manage moderation. It's insanity in charge
or surrender to a Higher Power. But that I can do.
"No. I'm not perfect. I'm just doing okay. And that's what I need."

Note the spelling of the image. Case in point.

Don't Think About the Problem

Attention to obstacles makes them bigger and more stubborn; attention to shortages makes them bigger and prolongs them—and attention to a problem prevents any immediate resolution or solution. ~ Abraham

When the urge to eat that treat clutches your thoughts,
when a commitment to call your sponsor weighs on your mind,
brings a tenacious dread, when the need to straighten out the thinking,
the behavior, the attitude of your spouse, your co-worker, your friend
occupies your mind, you have a problem, one known as self-will,
and your obsession cements the issue in your mind. Help hovers near,
though, in six simple words. "Your will, not mine be done."
Release the concern, surrender control, and reclaim the serenity you had...
or find it for the first time in your life!

You Just Have to Understand

We had long talks when I would still her forebodings by telling her that men of genius conceived their best projects when drunk; that the most majestic construction of philosophic thought were so deprived. ~ The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 201-202).

You just don't understand. I have responsibilities,
am known in the area. I may be heavy, but to reduce,
to change my appearance...if I were to loose enough...
if I fit the suggested weight, people would not know me.
Besides, my spouse, my siblings, my parents are heavy,
and I would not want to rock the boat, to intimidate
my family. And chocolate enhances  cognitive function,
reduces the risk of dementia, improves performance on
challenging brainteasers...really is brain food.
People of genus make a magnificent, so important
it would be a shame to eat sanely.

Rationalization holds so many people hostage.
 

True Comfort

Now true comfort for me is waking up with that clean, happy feeling, knowing I was abstinent the day before. True comfort is:

• Hearing the birds sing
• Breathing the sweet breath of life
• Thrilling to the beauty of nature
• Loving this moment
• Loving the people I’m with
• Being grateful all the time.

So deep and pure and satisfying is abstinence, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 73-80).

What is my true comfort?
Hearing the aged furnace begin
when I begin to be chilled.
Knowing we've options even if it fails.
Remembering a grandson in my lap
playing a game with mahjong tiles,
telling the five-year-0ldm, "I call this one hashtag"
and the response, "I call it hashtag, too."
The loyalty of an old dog who will sleep
on the floor beside my bed.
People who express appreciation for me,
who say they depend on me, want me near.
A husband who can be infuriating
but when I'm not well gives me his all.
Loyal kids who would do anything they can
to help me, to protect me, to love me.
Friends old and new who care about me,
want the best for me. An opportunity to serve,
yo male a difference, to add to the common welfare,
a good life, a meaningful role to fill,
a God to serve. This, not material possessions
give me true comfort.

Ready to Grow

...the best time to give up my will, my old ideas, my defects is any time I am ready to grow. ~For Today (Kindle Location 34).

Change is in the air as a new year begins,
much more than remembering the added digit
as you write the date. We have goals to meet,
a self-commitment to do better this year.
a renewed momentum, a hope for efficiency,
for productivity. But the solution is not gritted teeth,
not the old college try. The answer to achieving,
to thriving, to improving, is to give up, to surrender,
to be willing to have no self-will. To say to a Power
greater than us, "Thy will be done. What can I do
to be of assistance?"

Freedom from Fear and Pain

For Epicurus, the purpose of philosophy was to attain the happy, tranquil life, characterized by ataraxia—peace and freedom from fear—and aponia—the absence of pain—and by living a self-sufficient life surrounded by friends. ~ Wikipedia

Resolutions are experiments in absurdity
for those who cannot adhere to their commitments
but you can begin your new year with a truth
carried down at least 2300 years.
Have a happy, tranquil life — a life of serenity —
by living a self-sufficient life under the guidelines
of twelve simple (not always easy) steps.
The only way to do so, though,
is the surrender to an internalized higher power
so it's really not necessary to have all the answers,
merely to know how to find them.