Hide and Seek

God seems to have hidden holiness and wholeness in a secret place where only the humble will find it. ~ Richard Rohr, Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps (p. 2).

Legends, fables, parables.
Truths are found in simple stories
complex enough their verity
remains hidden for some,
to others seems so obvious
it can't have real value,
for some takes on enchantment
for being unique, unexpected,
special. Why would a Power
go to the trouble to surprise us
with special facts, to make us look,
lead us to wonder, entice us to explore?
Is it not because that which comes easily
seems mundane, ordinary, inconsequential?
Thank you, Power, for knowing me
and how I need to find your astounding gifts.

Copyright: andreykuzmin / 123RF Stock Photo

Listen. Bow. Lean.

When criticism comes, listen. When powerful forces push you in any direction, bow rather than fight, lean rather than break, and allow yourself to be free from a rigid set of rules— in so doing, you’ll be preserved and unbroken. ~ Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao

Be still and know.
Know in the midst of criticism.
Know when the winds of life
become gales and threaten.
Know when it feels as though
you'll shatter, you'll break,
you'll falter and fall.
Learn not to argue, to challenge,
to correct. Learn from those
whose viewpoints seem lacking.
Accept the contrary, not as your own
but as what is allowed of the one
who has chosen to accept it.
Never correct. Stand in the storm,
move toward the goal,
show how it can be done,
help all to know they are acceptable,
capable, marvelous creations.
Listen. Bow. Lean.

Copyright: smuay / 123RF Stock Photo

The Ticking Clock

I've sat here, hours each week,
more than twenty-three years,
same room, same clock.

I lay on a table last Friday,
thinking, opening, praying.
I asked for greater awareness
of my surroundings,
better usage of my senses.

Maybe it's not
the still small voice of God
but the hushed tick tick tick,
my never having been noticed it,
seems to me a confirmation,
an affirmation, a piece of evidence...
of a different kind than normally here
in the courtroom.

Recovery Is Like the Birds

A friend of mine
from half a continent away
stood at my kitchen window
looking at the bird feeder
I'd put up in her honor
and named birds there,
in my yard, I'd never heard of.
I told her once
I'd seen a scissortail
but couldn't find it
in the bird book.
She said she'd never seen one
but that they were listed
under flycatchers.
I mentioned having seen
a bluejay, and she doubted it,
wondered if wasn't a green jay
or a pinyon jay. I said no,
I knew bluejays.
We had different levels
of knowledge about birds,
hers complex, mine minimal,
but things easy to me
were and outside her experience.
There is no judgment in Recovery.
We work the same steps
in different ways and reach together
that place where promises come true
beyond our wildest dreams.

The God Box

The burden of the world
bends you, breaks you,
leaves you looking at dirt...
sometimes with it in your mouth.
That burden, insurmountable,
but transferrable. Simple.
Commit the concern to writing.
Designate a container your God Box.
Insert the writing into the box
and leave the burden to a Power
that can soar while bearing it,
looking up and pulling your eyes
to the light.

The Tootsie Roll

They give them away at the gym,
say they're just five calories,
"you've earned it."
Just five calories? Just?

They don't understand.
Those Tootsie Rolls aren't an inch,
they're massive logs
in cattle troughs

on either end of the front desk.
They don't sit silently,
a quiet invitation
but bellow, "Free sugar!
Get your fix here!
Trigger your addiction now!!"

The Tootsie Roll buckets.
They can be shrunk down to size
if you're working your program,
in touch with your needs
and know that those five calories
aren't worth the misery they would
invoke.

An Empty Trunk

I look at my trunk where I used to have a lot of junk – and it's empty! ~ Renee GaskinI k

Trunks of junk, drawers of junk,
boxes of junk, piles of junk,
clutter and litter and heaps,
muddles and jumbles and messes...
I have lots of junk. It comes tiny
like pixels and massive like furniture,
mattresses, clothing, worn out stuff
but too good to toss. I have tons of junk.

I know how to declutter. The rules...
haven't used it in years, it's gone.
Couldn't find it if I wanted it, it's gone
(at least when I find it...)
Act like I'm moving, pretend I'm gone
and my kids are stuck with the job.
Just do it.

I've got habits, catch phrases, solutions...
tried and proven false, favorites for days
I'd rather never see again, resentments,
fears, phobias, sore spots. I've got junk
in the trunk of my head. How can I rid myself
of the junk in my trunk? Twelve simple steps,
willingness to go to any lengths,
surrender, and turning it over.
It's time to rid my life of the junk in my trunk
because I never want to claim it again!

The Worst Place

Truth! The worst place for me to be is stuck inside my head. ~ Christina S

Stuck inside my head. Been there, done that,A
too many times, too many hours, too many years...
I don't want to do it anymore. It's the worst place to be.
How can I get out? Maybe I can try really really hard.
But that doesn't work, it just makes it hurt.
Maybe I can decide not to be. Well, sometimes,
but not often. Maybe I can just wait. But how long
is long enough? Sometimes the hardest thing you can do
is pick up the telephone and call someone. Sometimes
the phone weighs ten thousand pounds. Sometimes
it takes all the courage you can muster. But it works.
It can even work if you have to leave a voice mail.
Because you've reached out, done something you cannot do
stuck inside your head. And it works.
Stuck inside my head. Been there, done that,
too many times, too many hours, too many years...
I don't want to do it anymore. It's the worst place to be.

My Compass, My Guide

God teaches me this, and He is my compass, my guide. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Location 978).

A compass shows my location
relative to cardinal positions,
to points, a role performed
more than two thousand years.
Can it be compared with a GPS?
Of course, they both perform
location finding, show directions.
But God as compass resonates
better than God the GPS,
for insisting I'm wrong,
interrupting, demanding,
nagging is not God's way.
No, we need to seek him out,
to know where the power lies,
the one that draws the needle,
the one that draws our lives,
and we follow. It's our choice,
our decision. We seek direction
each day, surrender our own ideas
with, "Not my will but yours."
And obediently, keeping our eyes
and thoughts on the guiding symbol
we walk the path step by step,
day by day, and find our way home.

Enough

I am enough. I will do enough today to get the job done. There may not be any extra, but I don’t need that. I am full. ~ Voices of Recovery March 21

A wise man told a woman, over and over,
that anything more than sixty-eight percent
as her Texas Bar Exam score was overkill.
She knew she'd done that well and set worry aside.
Then came the day when results were received,
and she had well past that mark.
She had less than a percentage point lower
than the highest score in the state.
At that turn, the wise man asked her
why she hadn't tried a bit harder.
Why would enough not be enough?
But we too often don't accept enough.
We want more. Since childhood
we tried to excel, to reach the top,
to deserve respect and honor.
But we don't need that.
We do our own enough
and if it really have done enough
to do this job we've attempted,
we're fine. We may want the pentacle.
But we don't need it. Today's work
is sufficient for the day,
and we measure by what we've tried,
not necessarily by the "perfection"
of those around us.
I am enough.

 

 

 

Common Welfare

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon OA unity. ~ First Tradition, Overeaters Anonymous
Our common welfare.
Common: belonging to
or shared by two –or more —
people or groups.
All of ours, an entity shared,
not that of any one of us
but of all.
Welfare: the state of doing well
especially as to good fortune,
happiness, well-being, or prosperity.
Out common welfare —
something we who isolate,
who dwell in low self-esteem,
who consider food (more of it
or less of it) our solution
to every possible problem,
seldom would have thought
of shared welfare, but we do now.
We want recovery for ourselves
but as we consider the possibilities,
as we watch those who have found
for themselves what we each want,
we find the wisdom, the comfort,
in seeking first the common welfare.



...and together we'll walk these steps.

Never Organized

9. OA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. ~ OA Tradition 9

We laughed at this last week,
the never organized thing.
We had the leader's book for the wrong day,
couldn't find literature we needed,
were running late and giggling
but it all turned up and the meeting
met needs, refreshed us, played its role.
When I began to do service
beyond group level I used to chuckle
(well, internally) every time I heard it.
It seems to so accurately describe
the normal business meetings.

So why have this as a tradition?
Because emphasis on organization leads straight into,
"That's the way we've always done it,"
"You can't change that!,"
"Be quiet, listen, we'll tell you how."
When the procedure, the process,
has more importance than the people,
meaningfulness dissolves, and
the primary purpose of carrying the message
is lost in the mire. No, we're not organized.
We may choose to use things that seem formulaic
but the real focus is on the group relying on the group
to do what our Higher Power wants done,
and to restore us all to health in body, mind, and spirit.

Copyright: iqoncept / 123RF Stock Photo

It's Not My Job

8. Overeaters Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers. ~ 8th Tradition of OA

I don't have time to move the chairs,
to pull out the books...and put them up.
Let Sara do the secretary job
and Alice take care of the money.
They've done it long enough
it's easy for them and we'd hurt their feelings
if we changed, if we ran them out.
I have a life, you know...a job, a family,
other organizations. Surely someone else
can take care of that.

Someone will take care of it,
but it's not their job — and that's GOOD!
Sure, you don't have to do anything.
The only requirement for membership
is a desire to stop compulsive eating...
but you get there by doing the jobs.
But not your job. It's not yours by right
for having done it so long. We rotate service,
share the load and the privilege,
of keeping OA vital. Doing service
is not our job, not our duty...
but it is the way to strengthen recovery,
ourselves' and others', and to change a job
into joy.

Reparenting Self

What I do for a living is to reparent people. ~ Debbie Rowland

We share the stories of our lives
and currents crisscross them, themes,
often of domineering parents,
on insecure mothers raising insecure daughters,
of perfectionist fathers demanding flawless progeny.
Our parents' admonitions echo through ages,
as do their silence about crucial topics
or their insistence on their young
building lives better than they could manage.
We come with resentment, with phobias,
with insecurities, with well-rehearsed roles
of who we "ought" to be. It's not our fault.
It's not the fault of our elders. We're human,
like they, and that's what we absolutely inherit.
But our lives need not mirror the refrain forever.
We can reparent ourselves with love and understanding,
becoming those we admire, accepting the good
of our kin and our friends and reverberating that.
We can seek a Power who know us, loves us,
and can mold us into new me's no matter
how late we wait to grow up.

A Cross Country Run for a Sprinter

Loose ten pounds in a week,
take off three inches by June,
weigh in each week with a loss,
shape up for the wedding/vacation/
reunion/party/next big event.
We're a group of sprinters
ready and willing...sometimes able...
to reach the goal and win the prize.
We reach the rooms of OA
with years of experience.
And we reach the rooms
because our old life failed us,
made us miserable,
convinced us we were powerless
with unmanageable lives.

But in OA we found a set of tools
and that we weren't in it for dashes
but for endurance events.
We found MEETINGS
where others shared our weaknesses
and newfound strengths.
We tried a PLAN OF EATING
nor for a quick fix but for a lifetime
one day at a time. Others,
those who had what we wanted,
gently led us, SPONSORING
our growth, our discoveries.
LITERATURE we read
and WRITING about it...
and everything else...
helped us understand the map.
ACTION PLANS got us up and going,
moving toward the goal
in the way that best fit us.
Picking up the TELEPHONE
to reach out to others
for many of us was a tough tool to use.
Giving SERVICE to keep OA going
and ANONYMITY to protect the program
and individual members, holding the course,
became surprisingly helpful tools.
And these nine tools make sometime sprinters
into the marathon, cross-country,
hundred-mile-pace competitors,
the long-term winners.

Same Shoes

You can get happy in the same shoes you got mad in. ~ Darci Slatton

Attitude. Arrogance. Haughtiness.
Jealousy. Conceit. Overbearing.
Anger. Embarrassment. Suspicious.
Resentful. Begrudging. Intolerant.
Possessive. Bitter. Irate. Sulky.
We can choose this way, live it, own it.
And it hurts us like heck.

Attitude. Humble. Modest. Careful.
Caring. Forgiving. Kind. Composed.
Serene. Peaceful. Content. Helpful.
Responsible. Secure. Surrendered.
Serving. Interested. Recovered.
We can choose this way, live it, own it.
And the joy we feel makes us sing
inside and out.

Wear Recovery

I used to wear my disease; now I'm willing to wear my recovery. ~ Karen C., in Lifeline

Denial works only so far.
Finding people heavier than you  
may help your ego but not your body,
not your mind, not your spirit.
We wore our disease no matter the build...
cadaverous or morbidly obese.
We wore our disease in our cars,
in our closets, in our drawers,
anywhere nobody else might look,
the stash as well as the trash.
We wore our disease in our demeanor,
angry, narcissistic, haughty, timid.
We wore our disease until we found
recovery.

Now we wear our recovery in our smile,
in the peace on our faces, in sprightly steps,
in kindness, in interest in others, in confidence,
in surrender, in willingness, in life.
We wear it when we openly talk of our lives,
of the changes, of the repaired relationships,
of the order where once disorder and chaos reigned.
And sometimes we're bold enough to wear it physically,
readable, by comparison pictures, with displays
in social media and with our friends.
We're careful not to make ourselves the face of recovery
but we can live and be open to fertile moments
to plant its seeds.

Pay to the Order of You

We enjoy getting checks
paid to our order, of course.
But we're accustomed to checks
looking pretty much alike.
But that's a wrong assumption!
We get checks all the time
from the Divine Bank of Abundance.
All we have to do is accept them,
acknowledge them, and use them
not for our own will but for the maker
of the check, the maker of us.

Pay To

Discipline

He marched it off
in bootcamp,

sweated it off
when told "drop

and gimme 50."
Made weight
each year
by desperation.
But retirement came
with no commands,
no requirements,
no impediments
to appetite.

He left the commands
but found a community
that proclaimed a path
to sanity through surrender,
to a life worth living
by changing behavior,
not forcing conformity.

The Problem with Willpower

...willpower does nothing for my disease. Applying willpower to this compulsion is like applying an antibiotic to a viral infection. It will never have any effect. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 862-864).

A leg cramp in the night, drilling through muscle.
I knew what I needed. I'd gotten it plenty of times
when Husband's sleep was interrupted.
But I remembered poorly, picked up the wrong medicine,
and taking it. Oh, it was wrong, but in the ball park!
It was a diuretic and stripped my body of potassium...
what I should have taken! It was a valid pill...
for an invalid use, and it hurt instead of helping.

A therapist who understood what I needed, the
Twelve Steps, made a common suggestion.
She was addicted to a different substance,
was a "normie" when it came to compulsive eating.
She suggested I add sugar back in rational measure.
It was like my suggesting she have a glass of wine
with supper in the evening.

Antibiotics have their place, but not for a cold.
Tamiflu can treat a virus but perhaps harm someone
with a germ-caused disease. Poor eating patterns,
habit, an out-of-control sweet tooth, a love of carbs
may be beaten by education and willpower. But addiction?
The disease that is overeating? Not one bit. Well, maybe a bit...
short term. But the compulsion remains and returns
ready for vengeance, more out of control than before,
only to be treated one way. Not but cutting the digestive system,
not by the latest fads. This one can only be beat
by Twelve simple Steps.

New

New computer. Downloading Chrome
and the Carbonite files now.
New is exciting. Familiar is comfortable.
New is fear-inducing. Familiar is getting by
even with problems growing in severity.

New food plan. More natural stuff,
goodbye to wheat, pretty much to beef,
to corn-can-you-believe-that!!,
to milk, to 12-hour energy drinks
though I didn't have the nerve even to ask
if I could have that.
New is exciting. Familiar is comfortable.
New is fear-inducing. Familiar is getting by
even with problems growing in severity.

Old car, creeping up on a hundred thousand,
damaged like you would not believe,
scrapes and dings and how-the-heck-
did-you-do that? Full trunk. Three things
in that car I'm sure, but lost.
One of them for three years.
New car. Ego builder. But oh,
expecting that first ding,
dreading a scrape. Deciding which one.
New is exciting. Familiar is comfortable.
New is fear-inducing. Familiar is getting by
even with problems growing in severity.

Nothing is permanent except change.
And no matter what my daddy used to say
occasionally there really is something
new and improved. God, let me be open,
let me accept what I have and know,
new or old, it is good.

Find Your god

You may profess your faith,
attend services, pray, meditate,
know the liturgies, sing the hymns.
But your god, not the God of church,
but the source of your comfort,
the power you seek in time of need
is easy to identify even if no churches,
no monuments, no literature proclaims
the truth. Your god is the power your turn to
when you're in trouble. Is it a person?
A parent, a spouse, a friend?
Is it the oblivion of video games
or golf or running or hiding?
Is it food or alcohol, gambling or drugs,
sex or shopping or hitting people?
Do you seek money, wealth, privilege?
Tarot cards or a crystal ball?
What do you turn to first, without thought,
when you're in trouble of afraid?
Maybe it's God, but maybe your god
is something you know won't help.
It's scary. But the great thing is
you can abandon that god
and find a mighty power,
one able to lead you to peace and serenity.

Happiness Not Necessary

During my years in OA, I’ve realized that the key to my peace, not necessarily my “happiness,” lies in turning my life over to my Higher Power one day at a time. When I do this, the burden of trying to “fix” the problem leaves me. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 3466-3468).

Seeking happiness can feel like striving for perfection,
needing every element in place, a smilie face huge,
beaming, animated, dominant. Irritations forbidden,
distractions only welcome of frivolous, flighty.
Seeking happiness leaves no room for melancholy,
for needs to be met, for responsibilities, for others,
unless the others are centered on our own happiness.
When my life has purpose, meaning, significance,
commitments, responsibilities, disappointments...
When my life is real life, but centered in good,
in goodness, in a power greater than I,
then I have peace, and peace persists, grows,
flourishes, feeds so that it grows stronger
and sweeter, day by day.

Back in Your Disease

One day as we discussed a difficult relationship problem, my sponsor said, “If you’re doing it to please him, you’re back in your disease.” ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 784-785).

Okay. Her health professional says bottled water.
Her husband says tap water. A conundrum.
The former says my co-dependence started with parents,
continues with husband, that she has the right
to have opinions, to make decisions, to drink bottled water.
And if she does? She can say it's part of her food plan
and he'll rant about her cult. She can hide it from him
and feel like a cheat. She can say she prefers it
and have no answer to why. She can pull out the facts
from the Internet to justify it and he'll rant...
about her cult, because everything has to be O.A.
She can work toward a compromise,
like filtering tap water. She can take the case of water
from the trunk of her car, put it on the floor of the pantry,
and let things be. Or she can really believe she has the right to decide
and let it be. What he thinks about her
is none of her business.

Guilt and God

Raised in the church?
A lot of us were.
Some of us are still involved
in the church of our childhood.
Others have changed...
congregations, denominations,
even to a different faith.
And those outside the rooms
of recovery share these views...
all of them. So, when we speak
of the God of our understandingsome...many...feel a stab of guilt.
That may seem a stumbling block,
an immovable obstacle,
a deal stopper. We know.
For many of us, it was...for a while.
But we've learned a big secret.The source of the grief is not God.God is love. God is accepting.
God is welcoming. God understands.
God welcomes our redefining him,
not like the god of our childhood,
not like the god imposed from without.
God welcomes your exploration,
your discovery, your understanding,
your coming to find you have a real need
for God...as you understand him!

How Long Will It Take?

When you're done suffering, you will let go. The question is how long will it take? Grow through awareness. ~ Kute Blackson

The Big Book says when talking to an addict
to leave him alone if he shows no interest.
You may know he needs it, his family is sure,
his friends bemoan his weaknesses, but for him...
it's not time yet. But he knows. He feels it.
He regrets his weakness, his failures, his addiction.
Still, knowing is not being at the bottom of the pit,
the hopelessness, the turning point, willing to admit
both an unmanageable life as to the substance
and an insane one as to everything else.

Still, sooner or later, the time comes.
The critical moment. The barrel bottom.
And then the miracle can happen. But not earlier?
Yes, earlier! When we open our minds, our hearts,
our spirit to a way out, it comes then. Maybe
we have to pull it back, to grasp the illusion of control,
to go back out, but when we've been there,
stuck our head into the miracle, seen a glimpse,
then the time is near, recovery is within reach.
When you're done suffering, you really will let go!

Ode to a Sponsor

You welcome calls at 6 o'clock

can hear the words I do not say

endure b.s. and double talk

remind me take it day by day

and gently nudge

but still not judge.

cliparts.co

I Don't Remember

They said I would lie for hours in a bassinet

with a Raggedy Ann propped in the corner,

babbling to her on and on, engrossed

in the conversation, content with the company.

They said...but they're gone now.

They told the story fondly, as a good memory.

But I've wondered, is that why I'm not good

at small talk? Why I talk to myself far more often

than I confide in someone else?

Did that cause failure to thrive? Did I fail to thrive?

Do I wonder about that from having talked to myself

from the bassinet on? Should I resent my parents

for the practice? But I guess most of all

I wonder what I did to my infant sons, my young sons,

my teenagers, my adult sons that causes them to ponder

how I affected their social and psychological development

by the less-than-wise things I did.

K. I. S. S.

For many of us, this freedom came when we took step three and turned the entire problem over to our Higher Power. Suddenly we no longer thought much about food and eating. When mealtime came, we ate moderately, felt satisfied, and stopped eating. It was as if some miracle had given us a healthy attitude about food and eating. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 242-244).

Keep it simple, Stupid!
Yes, you in the mirror,
I'm talking to you.
You once got it, just did the Step,
didn't see any reason to
stick to the basics once you'd been there,
to hold on to the lessons learned,
to build on them. You forgot
the reason for being here,
that you're a compulsive overeater,
and, having once found relief,
started on a new level.
You're beginning to see the structure.
It's not finishing one book,
starting a new one,
even part of a series.
No. It's like singing a round.
You add people, verses,
complexity, but you hold them all,
gather them to a greater whole.
You repeat the simple melody
again and again and again
because it's not new every day.
It's the same twelve steps,
the same nine tools,
the same obsession to set aside,
to surrender, to conquer
with the aide of a greater power.
It's complex and beautiful, not easy.
But it IS simple. And you must remember that
every day, one day at a time.

The Past

The regrets, shoulds, ought tos
over time accrue and aggregate,
solidify and petrify, expand...
harden.
And as they accumulate,
debris sticking, adhering,
these emotions harden hearts as well.
Minds avoid guilt, shoving it away,
hurling it toward bit players
on the scene, sighing relief
as it adheres...then etch the scene
on psyches as a resentment-replay-device
getting a daily chance to dodge responsibility
by concentrating on scapegoats.
Until the time we make a fearless moral inventory
and turn over the mechanism,
being honest with ourselves, our god
and another human being,
the travesty continues.
But once the 5th Step is truly done,
supplemented by daily 10th Steps,
honesty brings real relief and a chance to learn
we're really not nearly as awful as we always feared
we were.

The blame's not mine!

Copycat

She shares what she heard
someone else say last week.
She borrows her Sponsor's
concept of God. She spouts
program sayings, initials, banalities,
knows every truism, chimes in...
repeats what she reads in the 12 & 12
to say how she works the steps.
She doesn't have an original thought,
just does as she's told, as people say

"this worked for me," lives a cliché
of Recovery. You can fault her
for originality, but not
for Recovery.

Copyright: LuMaxArt2D / 123RF Stock Photo