Meditate Anywhere

God, I'll get with you
as soon as the noise dies down,
as soon as I can be alone
so I can kneel, bow my head,
so I can pray. But you can't
want my prayers now,
not when I don't have time
to talk to you, to listen to you,
to pray. I don't want to offend,
don't want to sully the moment,
to denigrate you. So I'll pray.
If not today, then tomorrow
for sure...

Powerless

We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable. ~ Step One, Overeaters Anonymous

As far as I can get, out of gas,
unable to refill, dead stuck.
Powerless. I give up.
I surrender. I can't.
Less than a percent of power,
dead zero. I've tried and tried,
had success then failure piled on
so that the success was further off
than before I started. I've yo-yoed
as long as I can and I can't hold on,
I'm through. But at this point
I've able — ready — to discover
there really is a power greater than I,
one that never has, never will,
run out of power or even have it diminished...
a power greater than I. And ready
to admit that power just might
restore me to sanity.

 

Like Counterfeiting Pennies

Honesty is the best policy
but when our self esteem
demands a facade, craves a mask,
we make fake faces to display,
creative veneers to wear,
and counterfeit characters
as a public persona
keeping our creation inept, inane,
since our perceived low self-worth
makes us placated with that tiny me
foregoing to claim if not ourselves
the greatest actor in the repertoire.

http://dustincomics.com/comics/april-27-2015/

Monday Morning

Every single Monday
Mrs. Kennon started a diet.
She’d ended it by Tuesday,
maybe Monday evening,
but the next Monday...again.

Every Monday morning
I call my sponsor, we talk.
She asks about my food
then asks about prayer,
meditation. The food report
more often than not
is good. The meditation...
I'm going to start.
but the next Monday...again.

Run for Our Very Lives to God

We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God... ~ Hebrews 6:18-19, The Message 

It's different when it's play.
When the floatation device
is for tubing, for lounging,
for recreation, there seems
no stigma, no shame.
And there really isn't
when by accident, by no fault,
you fall into water and need it...
but when it feels like you're stupid,
like you should have been able
to take care of yourself,
to keep it light, to be playing
like all's fine... When we quit
believing we can rescue ourselves
whether from addiction or from water...
when we surrender and accept the help
we find nobody was thinking we were to blame
but us.

cliparts.co

What God Erases

We make mistakes, but sin requires deliberate trespass against a law set by an authority and held by community.  God asks us to repent.  Do not intensify what God simply erases. ~ Jo Helen Cox

What God erases. Like a father
taking away a toy causing friction
but just for a while, and not in anger,
but to stop the friction. Just that.
God doesn't rant and rave when we blow it
but examines the situation, chooses
to comfort, to challenge, to just smile,
but doesn't have to choose to keep loving us.
Because that's a given. Not only when he chooses
to erase our mistakes, but certainly then.

cliparts.co

I'll Show You!

You string together jargon
and pithy sayings,
mumbling through readings
nobody can decipher
and chanting parts of them
to prove you're not asleep.
You speak of grandiosity,
of things I know darned well
could never happen,
would not, could not.
I know, because I've tried for years
and I've more intellect than the twelve
of you combined! Besides, that one lady,
waddling in, falling into the chair,
sprawled through the meeting,
panting for the effort of getting
from car to chair...how can you say
if she's been here eight  years
your program works?
But you're too dumb to understand
my arguments, my logic,
just let me demonstrate. I will sit here
for two months and do everything you say
and prove that nobody could get results
you talk about in this stupid cult
of a program that promises
recovery.

 

Where the Dinosaurs Are

We walked in the park today,
Grandmom, Daddy, and three-year-old twins.
We saw a black bird and wanted to pet it
but it flew away. We saw ducks
but we couldn't throw the rocks in
for them to eat. A rollypolly bug
hurried across our path.
We walked along a trail
and it seemed like a tunnel,
covered over with leafy branches
and we thought that must be
where the dinosaurs were
but we found none.

 

We walked through life today,
each of us alone but with others
at least part of the time. 
We wanted a pat on the back
but others were busy
and not thinking about us. 
We got none though we saw beauty,
picked up a tiny flower 
we would have missed
had we not been so near the dirt.
We faced a fearsome path
but didn't find the dragons
we thought might be around the bend.
We faced the day with fear
but didn't need it. We found peace.

Egomaniacs

We are egomaniacs with an inferiority complex. ~ Jhe T quoting Alcoholics Anonymous

I would have told you everybody was created equal but I didn’t believe it in my heart. ~ Joan

We may not believe we're the brightest crayon in the box
but you darned sure better! When I came  into recovery rooms
I heard folks talking about higher on the ladder than they were,
lower on the ladder...it rang true but I was quite sure my vision
had been right, that it wasn't ladders but a series of pillars.
I, of course, occupied a rather highly raised pillar. A few...
darned few...were innately superior to me, and I looked up to them
without having a clear enough view to know they were really
just people, too. I remember one, from high school then college.
Leta Ruth Allen. The preacher's kid from Childress.
We were too young to be counselors but they needed one
so we two were the one. It was an interesting week.
I think that's the week my Bible was baptized (dropped in the creek)
and I know it's when I took the lead
and what should have been a ten-minute hike took more than an hour. I was lost. Leta Ruth knew exactly how to get to the cross
on the top of the bluff. (You would have thought such a focal-point
even I could have found.) But she was smart, a science major.
And I was in awe. Not many others anywhere near my age...
not really any others I can recall...stood on a higher pedestal than I.
Yet I had no self-esteem.

We're not on pedestals nor on a ladder. We're equal. Not duplicates,
but equals. And when we finally learn that, life's so much better.
We can really see the bright colors and not compete to be the best.

cliparts.co

Heart Hardening or Heart Heartening

His devotion to religion distorted his understanding of God and hardened his heart. ~ Jo Helen Cox

Religion. A system of faith.
A set of connected things
or parts forming a complex whole,
that whole being doctrine, discipline,
theology, practices, customs, tradition.
Spirit. The nonphysical part of a person,
the seat of emotions and character.
The soul. Not the faith of my father
nor of my mother although I may have
received it through their guidance,
a gift of great value passed on,
a living breathing bequest,
the greatest inheritance.
A god of my understanding.
Something, someone, some being,
some unfathomable entity
that makes sense to me,
that relates to me,that I can surrender to
each day, every day,
one day at a time.

Living the Spiritual Life

The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1193-1194)

What do I know about prayer?
Just do it. You can say anything.
Define your own god,
one who makes sense...to you.
If liturgy feels like worship,
then use liturgy. If it feels binding,
abandon it, talk in jive, in single words,
in rambling sentences, anything
that feels right. The Big Book says
we don't pray for our benefit alone,
our own selfish ends. Is that the same?
Can we pray for our benefit if not selfish?
If it feels right, if it comes naturally,
if it's from a good solid place,
sane emotions, right intent.
If others are to be helped, and that's true
when it's to make us a better person,
more able to serve our god and our fellows.
Pray any way you want to but don't be silenced
by not knowing how to do it.

Who I Thought I Was

The older I get, the farther away I get from who I thought I was. ~ Buster Niblet

"They" say when a person is old,
memory gone, helpless, dependent
that's when the dominant characteristic
of their life comes out. Generous,
content, bitter, greedy, mean.
So, how do you change that?
By changing the younger version.
By making amends, setting aside fears,
surrendering to a power greater than I...
By being who you choose to be now,
not who your parents or teachers
or the church or others directed.
Not holding to what we're supposed to be
but becoming who we choose to be,
understanding it's our side of the street
and their side of the street
is none of our business.

Together We Can

I am powerless,
my life unmanageable.
I cannot do it, have not
the willpower,
have failed and failed
and still fail whenever
I try it alone.
But I'm not alone.
I've found a fellowship
of people like me,
people who are powerless,
whose lives are unmanageable,
who will haver have the willpower
to stop the insanity.
And together we can find
the path, can hold it together,
not really us, but working together
we can reach the point
of actually surrendering,
giving up on willpower,
and, together, having it all,
whatever we need
to lead lives manageable
and serene and full of joy.

Cliparts.co

The Trouble with Being Gracious

The show doesn’t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn’t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, (Kindle Locations 1009-1010)

...still more demanding or gracious,
as the case may be. So, obviously
demanding can be a drag. But the disdain,
the derision, is equal for the graciousness
as for being demanding. It already said
He may be kind, considerate, patient,
generous; even modest and self-sacrificing.
On the other hand, he may be mean,
egotistical, selfish and dishonest.
And both are bad? It is, if the purpose
is manipulation. After all, he's trying
to get his way. And gracious sounds a lot
like people pleasing.
Ouch.
We know that's bad, we've been told.
We try to get our own way by being
thoughtful, considerate, putting the needs
of the other ahead of it...so we can show
how kind, considerate, thoughtful we are.
So we can get our way by being...
gracious. Still more demanding
or gracious, as the case may be...

Image from Cliparts.co

A Jealous God

Our God is a jealous God who will not accept arrogance in place of obedience. ~ Jo Helen Cox

God is jealous?
The Bible tells me so
but that it's not over things,
over affection, over talents...
why would he be jealous
over his creation?
No, God is jealous
when his creations
give loyalty, love, allegiance
to some other being, someone
something made greater than God.
I'm not going to adopt an idol,
another competitive (in my mind) being,
but jealous when we believe
we've got it covered, don't need him.
God is or is not supreme in our lives.

Procrastinate Later

Procrastination.
Chronic low-intensity fear.
I know how to do it.
Well. Procrastination.
The dread of my life.
April 15th.
Procrastination day.
I need to remember
to send in the tax form.
I would procrastinate,
but I think I must
procrastinate later.

How You Look at It

glass half empty, half full,
laying on the floor, cracked
wet or dry depending on where
you look but we know best
even when we're not sure
we're brightest crayons in the box
we egomaniacs with inferiority complexes   
an opthamologist today told me
the old glasses just seemed to work better
because my vision was fuzzy with them
and double-vision not so noticeable
wise man once said to remove the plank
in owned eye before trying to get specks
from unowned

if you have eyes to see do you have willingness
to know what you see

Willing to Be Willing

It was by faith that Noah built a large boat to save his family from the flood. He obeyed God, who warned him about things that had never happened before. By his faith Noah condemned the rest of the world, and he received the righteousness that comes by faith.

It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him as his inheritance. He went without knowing where he was going. And even when he reached the land God promised him, he lived there by faith – for he was like a foreigner, living in tents. And so did Isaac and Jacob, who inherited the same promise. Abraham was confidently looking forward to a city with eternal foundations, a city designed and built by God. ~ Hebrews 11:7-10 (NLT)

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This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62

I don’t want to do that.
I really don’t want to do that. 
Would you believe REALLY?? 
I asked her to sponsor me, 
not to boss my life. 
Isn’t there an easier, 
softer way? 
No? Tried before? 
I know. They call it faith. 
They call it act as if. 
I want faith, I want recovery, I want serenity, 
I want what they have. 
I’ll do what they say to do 
but I don’t have to want to, 
do I?

God, I’m willing to be willing 
to walk these Steps.

From A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and UsDay.

Emerson's Tenth Step

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson 

After the steps, one through nine,
come the daily ones, ten, eleven, twelve.
Step Ten, deal with things as they come up,
look at the day, find what needs to be fixed,
set it straight. We vigorously commenced 
this way of living as we cleaned up the past.It's common sense. It's a way of letting the day
take care of that day's mess, not borrowing
from the future nor digging up the past.
It's sanity in bite-size portions, easily grasped,
within reach, easy. And, at least in this step,
it's simple, for how much can even I build up
in a single day that needs addressing?
It works, it makes sense, and when we've done Ten
then starting the next day with Eleven,
with Good Orderly Direction, comes easily.

Throw In the Towel

Throw in the towel, I'm done.
It's okay, though.
I'm not the star, just the understudy.
I'm here, ready to be of service
but when I stand back and watch,
when I just take orders
and do my best,
excellence happens
and I bask in it,
a part of it,
the beneficiary,
but blown away
by the results.

God, I can't believe what a work or art
you can craft
from the raw material
that is me.

The poem is taken from the book being drafted at OAStepper.Blogspot.com

Welcome Home!

Home wasn’t a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go. ~ Sarah Dessen

They call the folks in the rooms
their "family of choice."
It's not an either/or,
not a rejection of the family of origin,
but a definition of the safety,
the love, the unity that should be home.
It's what they say about comfort,
about places to stay. 
And places not to stay are not home...
This world is not my home,
they sing. And recovery people know
the feel of a world that is not home
and welcome the truth 
that in the rooms of recovery
we're not alone anymore...
we're home.

Surrender Is a Process

From darkness eclipsing my hope, my dreams

leaving me wretched, unable to cope,

I found hints of a power, as strange as it seems,

who perhaps might stoop to grant me hope. 

Powerless, mired in loathsome gunk

I acted "I'm fine, I don't need a thing..."

but hated myself, saw life and ducked

yet acting a lie I'd bravely sing.

 

But false is false and others knew

I lacked the guts, hated my life.

Yet through it all somehow I knew

that still there was hope, escape from strife. 

 

Desperate, I vowed to try any trail

that promised discovery

and find Twelve Steps that seldom fail

to lead to hope and recovery.

Time takes Time

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.  ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (Kindle Locations 1302-1304). 

God, give me patience,
and I want it now!
God, give me inspiration
but don't expect me to wait,
to listen, to participate
in the conversation.
Just zap me, give me brilliance
and let it shine through.
But this prayer and meditation.
Don't you know I'm busy?
I talk to you. Mutter as I walk
from one place to the next.
Cross myself when I'm alone,
a sign for you (or is it for me?)
that I'm seeking your help.
I've been here long enough, God.
They say don't leave 
until the miracle happens.
I've stuck around. 
I've given you years.
But setting aside a few minutes
every single day, well, God,
I don't have time!

Do It Again

All my life I've been serially obsessive.
Video games, a recurring theme
since the original Mario Brothers
in the early eighties. Knitting...
but so tightly none of the sweaters fit,
counted cross stitch, oil painting,
genealogy, medieval history,
the history of Texas women judges,
and I could go on and on. Serially obsessive.
I came to OA almost eight years ago.
I've been as obsessed as in most things,
have done most of it, in seven states
and worldwide events. Not many
of the obsessions I've serially tackled
have lasted longer. But this one will.
I've done it all, beginning to end,
end to beginning, in several ways
but it's not time to set it aside
for another passion. It's time
to do this one again, better, deeper.
It's time to hold on and pass it on.

 

Education Without Graduation

Completion is the goal,
is it not? You identify a need,
educate yourself, change,
grow, evolve until the goal
has become accomplished,
a thing of the past. 
That's how I've done everything
all my life, it seems. Passions come,
passions go, and along the way
I've learned, changed, grown,
evolved, accomplished,
moved on. Yet, there's a problem
when recovery is the goal.
What is it that happens 
when you can say,
"My name is such,
and I used to eat compulsively"
or "I'm this, a recovered addict."
You've done the drill. Learned,
changed, grown, evolved,
and accomplished. But what happens
when you move on? It's then you learn
about that line that says, 
"What we really have 
is a daily reprieve contingent 
on the maintenance 
of our spiritual condition."
And we come back to learn...

Laughter and Weeping

Both laughter and weeping cleanse us. They bring closure to an experience. They make possible our letting go. And we must let go of pain, as well as joy, to ready ourselves for the next blessing life offers us. ~ Karen Casey, Each Day a New Beginning

They say in recovery
we feel better. Certainly,
after a while, that's true
in every aspect of our lives.
But at first we really feel better.
We feel anger better,
we feel sorrow better,
we feel guilt better,
we feel depressed better,
despair better, loneliness better,
fear better, panic better, grief,
anguish, weary, rejection,
suspicious, guilty, stupid,
tender, unsure, rebellious...
we feel everything better.
But it's a path necessary
because we've avoided feeling
by using substances...alcohol,
sugar, drugs, tobacco...
and by using compulsions...
shopping, gambling, gaming,
exercise, gossip, service,
people-pleasing, self-improvement...
We've avoided feeling
and feelings scare us.
Until they don't and they become
what they were made to be,
a rich and necessary part of life.

Still Seated

standing ovation
I focus on the one
still seated ~ Carlos Colón aka Haiku Elvis

The song says, "You raise me up
so I can stand on mountains...
you raise me up to more than I can be"
and while that's true, my remorseful eyes
see what could have been before...
before I found relief, before I surrendered,
before I was raised to heights beyond my dreams...
and my focus remains on those things,
on wasted years, on my damaged body,
on the negative. I cannot change the past
nor the future.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the differenceand to rejoice in being raised up today.

Visible

A woman who never laughs becomes invisible. ~ Neva Schuelke

To be visible or not to be visible,
that is the question. 
Often I didn't want you to see me,
hated the fact you mentioned I giggled
for I never intended to, would have chosen
to have faded away, to have been forgotten
for I didn't want to be seen, the fat,
the insecurity, the fingernails, the hair,
the clothes I always expected were mismatched
even when you'd said they became me.
Yet I was a good girl and smiled for the camera,
put on a show in case you were watching,
tried to put my best foot forward.
And you loved me.

I know that now, but not then,
for then I thought I had no friends,
that you thought badly of me for my ineptitude,
for my clumsiness, for my weight, for...me.
But you loved me still. And some of you,
when I finally gave up and came to your rooms,
you took me in, gave me the confidence,
the acceptance, the serenity, the joy
to giggle and let you mention I do
and relax. I'm with friends.

Calamity

Calamity is the touchstone of a brave mind. ~ Fortune cookie

Who would welcome calamity?
Nobody but a thrill seeker
and they wouldn't unless they thought
they'd turn it around.
But who would look back,
grateful to have passed through.
Many folks if they are honest,
seeing how much they grew
through the confrontation.
What is a touchstone?
A real stone for testing alloys,
for finding one containing gold.
But more than that a standard,
a measuring rod by which,
if of the mind, the mind is judged.
Calamity, then, can forge us,
discover backbone we'd never found,
and prove our self esteem
can stand a reexamination.
Besides, how better can we allow
a power greater than we could be
to show up, to prove what we long to know?

A Good Book

What makes a good book?
Certainly the classics
have earned the label
but I can lay most aside
with ease.

What makes a good book?
The best seller lists?
The Pulitzer Prize?
A five-star review?
Well, okay. Maybe.

What makes a good book?
Is it my buying more and more,
getting each title in the series,
enmeshing myself in them?
But what if society labels them trash?

If I'm ashamed for others to see
the list of audio books I have,
the ones I listen to through the night,
can they really be good books?
Well, never mind. I won't answer
what makes a good book.

Can guilt be wrapped in a good book?