Do to Others

The Angel of St. Marye's Heights,
a youth wearing grey surveyed
a field of blue injured after the battle,
after a day lying injured, December,
thousands of men. Armed armies
faced each other, listening to misery,
fearful, avoiding adding theirs
to the bodies. Except one man.
Richard Kirkland, nineteen, scared,
stood facing the Northern Army
who faced the Confederates,
guns at the ready on both sides.
With them he listened to the cries
for a night and a day and wanted to help.
Unlike others, he did not yield to fear
but ventured into the carnage
bearing canteens of water, warm clothing,
blankets. The Yanks didn't fire;
the South had no need to return fire.
They watched as he ministered,
colorblind to uniforms,
helping each wounded soldier.
He had the fear, knew the danger.
He differed only in actions, in taking the step.
We can do that, not usually so obviously,
but we can confront our fear
and offer service. And doing so
we have our reward, knowing we did
the best, the most, we could do.

On the Day

On the day I called, you answered me,
you increased my strength of soul. ~ Psalms 138:3 (NRSV)

She was your mother, of course,

but did that make a difference?

I mean, of course it did, but still

you love us all, called us your family,

claim me these centuries later.

She asked you to fix the problem,

to do a favor for someone else,

not even for her but surely she knew

it was the first. Wine for a wedding.

Frivolous? Just a social nicety?

Why did she ask? But she did ask.

And I can ask, too. I'm shy,

nervous, feel undeserving.

But that's just me, not you.

You answer me, too.

On the day I get the nerve to ask.

In the Valley

Blessed. It feels like I'm blessed
when I've gone through a challenge,
emerging safely. Like a bounteous meal
with foods I know set off triggers in me,
that set me on a binge at least until Valentines.
I know how the comfort feels,
right choices made.

But what about those banquets
I may yield to? How can i face myself
after I have yielded to the trigger foods,
to the tradition, to the temptation, to the food?
I can feel blessed then as well. For I am.
I have a program that works, one day at a time
and Black Friday can be my red letter day,
my first day of refusing to yield, of surrender
to the Higher Power who can hold my course
when I'm a wreck. I am blessed by the day after
the day I made myself miserable
if I accept the fact I'm powerless, 
my life unmanageable, and turn it over.
I am blessed in the valley and on the mountain!

Gratitude

I'm thankful this Thanksgiving day,
but not just today...every day.
I'm grateful for family who care for me,
love me, support me, bring me joy.
I'm grateful for friends who build me up,
who encourage me, who give me hope,
who allow me to grow by guiding them.
I'm grateful for a family in recovery,
those homefolk I never knew before
but who often feel more like family
than blood kin, who have walked my path.
I'm grateful for a power greater than I
who guides me, loves me, gives me meaning.
I'm grateful for the world, for plants,
animals, minerals, weather, for beauty
and inspiration and contemplation.
I'm grateful for technology, for face to face,
for solitude and crowds, for company and
isolation. I'm thankful for history,
for heroes, for role models, for sages,
for needy people who put into perspective
the importance of love and place of things.
I'm grateful for infants and aged, 
for health and illness, for sacred and profane.
I'm grateful for a chance to sit back and watch
and to interact with others, to experience life
and to give forward what blessings I've received.

In Case of Recovery

Do you call it an estate sale
when you've left the life you've lived
for decade after decade, forever?
When you no longer need the baggage,
life has been rewritten, the old script,
the old props don't fit, never will
god willing.
What do you do with the trash
from a life in the rubbish heap?
Does it have any use?
Only in the telling, the recalling,
the sharing to let others know
there's hope for a future for them
with lots of defects of character,
of resentments, of fear left over
to be recycled into stories
for more to come to recovery.

"Try It; You'll Like It!"

Often I tally the number of obsessive food thoughts I overcome during the day with my Higher Power’s help. It’s amazing how many times I’ve received the miracle of recovery in just one day! Try it; you’ll like it. ~ Voices of Recovery

Try it, you'll like it.How many times 
will you hear that 
this week?
Conspiracies
to sabotage your food
abound, evolve,
as gluttony reigns
and careful eating
is for later...New Years,
a resolution. Why start now?
You know what it will be like
the rest of the year.
But there are other courses.
You can ignore the triggers,
eat with pride your chosen plan
and at the end of the day
as other groan in pain,
you can remember what you've done
and tell them, "Try it,
you're really like this!"

Step by Step

My plans may involve many actions and many risks, but I don't have to tackle them all today. I can take my time and move step by step at my own pace. By focusing on one thing at a time, the impossible can become likely if I 'Keep it simple.'

Humongous, monstrous,
gigantic. That describes most
of the things I need to do
and have postponed time 
and time and time again.
But I've plodded through 
several today, bit by bit,
letting the computer labor
while I work on the next
rather than playing games
while doing the waiting.
I've waited all day
and still wait...but LOTS
has gotten done, and
I've moved forward
on many fronts.
Step by step
by step.

Gratitude

Little things, tiny blessings.
Major events, gigantic triumphs.
Daily events, lifetime mileposts
the list of things I'm grateful for
grows, diverse, random, repetitious,
minutia and gargantuan...
Why is it important to list
what we're thankful for?
Because we race through life
aware only of those things that peeve,
of the annoyances, of the fears.
Because we look at our focus
and that's what we want to change
we fail to see the good until we take time
to examine the good, to find the gratitude
each day, a few at a time, a day full
of peace.

Tenacity

The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. ~ Amelia Earhart

Walking through the doors
of the rooms of recovery
takes courage, desperation,
hopelessness, despair.
Staying there feels wrong
but seems right all the same,
for people there have what you want
or if they don't there's a hint
of what it could be like.
Staying there, enduring,
persevering, plodding on
can have moments of ecstasy,
weeks of doldrum. But stay there.
Keep on going. Even when it seems
a waste of time, that hint of hope
holds you there. And if you remain,
if you stay the course, if you stick it out
the hint becomes promises fulfilled,
what you wanted is what you have,
and tenacity is rewarded 
in abundance and profusion.

It's Simple

We can make recovery complicated

and oh, how natural that feels,

we controllers, we perfectionists,

we worriers.
But if we diversify, upsize, augment

or elaborate on it, we don't add...

we eviscerate it.

It's simple. Not easy, mind you, but simple.

Admit we're powerless, come to believe,

decide to surrender, examine our lives,

admit our secrets, become ready

and allow removal, make amends...

and keep on doing  it. Simply.

 

Touch a Giraffe

Dream big! When we release our lives,
turn them over to a Power greater than we
those lives take on, well, a life of their own...
or more precisely, that of the Power.
What we've tried and failed, dreamed and surrendered,
never dared...these are part of all things
and all things are possible. So reach out,
trust, and find your serendipity.

Game Over

Yo-yo dieting.
Corseting undergarments

to get pants to fasten.

Pretending to be fat AND happy.
Trying every new gadget,
each new diet, mind control,
magic fixes by the dozen.
I've played all my life,
got good at the games
but never ever managed
a string of wins,
any kind of worthy record.
A lifetime of fooling myself —
but nobody else. Until now.
Game over. Solution found.
Life without hope abandoned
at the door of recovery.

Wrong Way Home

A first grader, I was to walk home from school.

Mother went over the route with me many times,
and I know the turns, the way to go. I could!

Then, when I walked out of the door 
on the opposite end of Roscoe Wilson Elementary

the route didn't work. After a while I reversed the plan,
went back to the school, and a teacher working late

called Mother and got me home.

My sense of direction has not improved these five decades 

but the home I had trouble finding wasn't a physical one.

I knew the way to weight loss, had studied it, gained knowledge

those five decades. But I was walking out the wrong door...

I was in charge, relying on me. When I finally found 

my willpower won't, I started turning it over in a family of friends

and found my way home to a home I intend to keep for life

no matter what house I live in.

Cruising with Compulsive Eaters

What does a glutton's heaven look like?

A ship full of never-ending food, free for the taking,
a chocolate fountain, people to bring it all to you,

time to eat and eat and eat and eat.

What of a recovering compulsive eater's heaven?

That same ship with a hundred or so of your fellows,

reveling in recovery, sharing in growth, finding a way

to live the journey, to actually experience the stops,

to take risks in a community of your fellows 

like climbing up a waterfall, like kissing a stingray,

like finding out who you are, who you can be.

Cruising with the right compulsive eaters

makes all the difference in the world.

Hard and Fast Rules

Well, maybe a few hard and fast rules. Use them if they they make sense to you. ~ Writing Dialogue by Tom Chiarella

The only requirement is a desire to stop eating compulsively.
Steps? We've got them. Traditions? Yes...a dozen of each.
Suggestions galore, and advice? You'll get it though we try
to share our story, to say what worked for us, to let you free
to decide what you'll do, how fast you'll go, what tools to use —
even whether to work the steps, to stop the compulsions,
to choose a god of your choice, no matter whether the god
is yours alone. We don't push (we hope, though remember,
we're imperfect, human, and have no hard and fast rules ourselves
because we, like you, have these rights. And we know
even as we tell you there are no hard and fast rules
that there are those that work, and we've found none better.
But if you discover we're pushing, persuading, enticing you,
causing you to work the program as it's laid out in literature,
in our lives, in the lives of those others we know in recovery,
then know you have the right to choose, to use the rules
if they make sense to you even knowing for us — not necessarily for you —
these truths we've found are hard and fast rules by which we can live.

 

Joy and Fear

Joy always had an expansive effect, just as fear has a contracting effect. ~ Emmet Fox

Fear we know well, having lived it,
having personally verified
the Big Book assertion
This short word 
somehow touches 
about every aspect 
of our lives. It was an evil
and corroding thread; 
the fabric of our existence 
was shot through with it.We recognize, have experienced,
the contracting effect.
But that concept
every action has an equal
and opposite reaction...
Could that really even happen with fear?
Can joy be the opposite of fear?
It feels like it. We act in reverse
to the two. Yes, Joy is the opposite of fear
and when we welcome job
it shoves fear out the back door...
at rocketlike speed!

Queen of Samsonite

Some days I can't see my baggage. Some days I'm the queen of Samsonite. ~ Maureen G

I come bearing baggage.
The idea a cookie fixes scraped elbows,
that one bite won't hurt,
that somehow cleaning my plate
will magically feed starving children
halfway around the world.
That the way to show I love
is to eat the food they make,
as much as they want to feed me,
as many times as they do.
I come bearing baggage
but it coms with love handles
and the lies I've been told,
and those I've told myself,
have no hold on the truth.
And it's freeing to travel light,
freed from the baggage
that weighs me down
or that raises my weight.

Old baggage, out of sight, out of mind.

Don't Sell HP Short

You're selling your higher power short until you start saying WHEN instead of IF. ~ James Caton

I stand convicted, convinced, certain
of things my God wants me to have,
to grow to, to learn. I can pray and pray
to receive them, to learn them, to so grow
but when I know it's what God wants
that's redundant, it's a denial, it's a cop-out.
It means I know it's available and avoiding,
that I choose to hold to something else,
something less, something tied to my fears.
My expectations of God are too low
if I don't think he has time for me,
if I don't believe he'll give me what I really need,
if I shy away from his gifts.
God, give me the grace to accept your gifts.

Warning: New Body Here!

She's the loving aunt who demonstrates it

by cooking your special treat, by insisting you eat,

by hurt feelings if anything remains of a feast

that would have served three times the crowd.

She's the friend who shared your clothes,

who ate brownies smothered in ice cream

topped off with nuts, whipping cream, cherries,

the friend who wants you back with your faults,

eating again with a co-conspirator.

He's the grandfather who sees extra pounds
as healthy, as needed, as insurance against

that coming or long past Great Depression,

who can't stand looking at you without love handles,

without an ample girth. 

They may not find your new-found healthy weight

to be comfortable. But it's a disease. Contagious.

Believe the nutritionist, the doctor, the truth.

It's okay to have a new body even if it seems strange.

Service

The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve. ~ Albert Schweitzer

Having had a spiritual awakening
as the result of these steps,
we tried to carry this message 
to compulsive overeaters...It's the goal, the end result,
serenity defined, reaching the point
to carry the message,
to share the blessings,
to live the program
to the extent our lives
show how, our experience
draws others who still suffer,
and when we get it,
that service is the result,
the climax, then we understand
just how we walked the part,
what we have received,
and why we must give service
to those who still suffer.

A Day in a Life

A boy in Goldthwaite, Texas,
a girl in Cincinnati, older than their years.
Born without an aorta Jae Head
knows his mind, his dream.
His film career can wait --
he has high school football to play
and his ninety-five pound body
and mighty heart are pursuing that life.
Lauren Hill won't hold to life long
for a brain tumor will claim her soon
but she's at the gym before dawn
playing college basketball
through her final weeks.
Two kids who know how to exist
as though each day were the last,
to do ordinary tasks in extraordinary ways,
thriving, seeking, holding the ideal
one day at a time as many days
as they're given.

Comparing Insides to Outsides

I look at you and see excellence,
confidence, accomplishment,
polish, perfection.
I look at me and see cowardice,
timidity, uncertainty, irresolution,
weakness, a perfectionist who settles
for being perfectly awful.
But then I find someone
who has what I want...not things, but insides.
I study how she does it, ask questions,
listen...really listen and more than that hear.
And learn.
I've been looking at other people's outside
and comparing my own insides. But I don't have to.
I can find the good stuff in me even if I must start
by believing what she says about me
before I can actually find it there myself.

 

Self-portrait in Madrid

Outright Mental Defectives

It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, "The Doctor's Opinion"

Call me what you want to! I can take it.
Maladjusted to life? I told you my life
was unmanageable, powerless over food.
In full flight from reality? You mean convinced
I could control everyone else's life
though my own was unmanageable?
Guilty. That the very next diet would fix it
when a few hundred before hadn't...
for fifty years of trying. Guilty.
Outright mental defectives? Well, duh!What was that about fifty years of dieting,
about weighing three hundred pounds?
About not being able to stay on a plan
or get there through hypnosis, pins in ears,
promised rewards...anything???But you want me to say my body's not normal?
That if I just developed the willpower, the guts,
the determination I could still not do it?
You want me to think I have an incurable disease
of compulsive overeating? Are you really that crazy?
Or am I an outright mental defective not to believe it?

But Do It.

Do it badly; do it slowly; do it fearfully; do it any way you have to, but do it. ~ Steve Chandler

A friend of mine identifies as a defiant perfectionist.
I'm not that. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying
not for perfection but to reach the heights
of mediocrity, to be the best at procrastination,
at making excuses, at doing the lowest acceptable job.
I know it's not true, but it so feels like it!
What would I tell someone who looks to me for help?
Do the next right thing. Love yourself.
Be honest with yourself. Set priorities
then do things that need to be done,
don't hide in the comfortable,
bask in the mindless. You have worth.
You have talent. You have abilities.
Use them. Do what you need to do.
One step at a time, but step.

Just Do It.

Do it badly; do it slowly; do it fearfully; do it any way you have to, but do it. ~ Steve Chandler

A friend of mine identifies as a defiant perfectionist.
I'm not that. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying
not for perfection but to reach the heights
of mediocrity, to be the best at procrastination,
at making excuses, at doing the lowest acceptable job.
I know it's not true, but it so feels like it!
What would I tell someone who looks to be for help?
Do the next right thing. Love yourself.
Be honest with yourself. Set priorities
then do things that need to be done,
don't hide in the comfortable,
bask in the mindless. You have worth.
You have talent. You have abilities.
Use them. Do what you need to do.
One step at a time, but step.

As We Ought to Pray

Some of us have been taught that there are things we shouldn’t say to God or feelings we shouldn’t express. ~  The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1040-1041).

Good little girls don't say that.
You should respect your elders,
those in authority. Don't bother them
with little things, with ideas and subjects
not important enough for significant people.
And who can be more momentous than God?
Doesn't God deserve respect? Reverence?
Proper language...church-appropriate words?
Even the word profane--or profanity--
means outside the temple! So surely
we can't talk to God that way!
Didn't Paul say not to let unwholesome speech
come from our mouths? Surely we can't pray with it!
But we can. God wants honesty, the truth,
real feelings. And no matter how poorly we express ourselves
my father God is delighted to have a chance for me to talk
and to listen. And he loves us still.

My Heroine

You don’t become a heroine
by staying there a long time.
It’s not a title for longevity.
But long enduring can be heroic…
if you’re the glue that binds it,
watching others turn away,
fall off, quit for a while that lasts
and lasts and lasts, and still
the one holds on. And as she does
eventually others come
and she’s there, the wisdom of ages,
the quiet voice holding the course.
And it grows and grows and thrives
until the strength doesn’t depend on one
but she goes on, giving service,
providing inspiration, showing the path,
the heroine.



Shifting Sands

Ahhhhh. Ok. Makes sense. So there's this thread of sanity you're committing to keep regardless of shifting sands. ~ Maureen G

Shifting seasonal sands
from ghosts and ghouls 
to football playoffs
to turkey, pumpkin pie,
pink salad, date nut cake.
Parties through December
daily interspersed with gifts of food.
Families gathered to compete
who can make the richest treats,
who persuades you to eat more of theirs.
New Years brings old habits
that haunt the table of goodies
to scare away reused resolutions.
New year brings commitments
to weigh and pay, to walk, to move.
Valentines shatter any leftover strength.
But the path can be transversed with grace
when you commit to sanity, to abstinence,
to wise eating one day at a time
remembering that Thanksgiving
is...a Thursday.

All It Took

And I realized that the willingness make the phone call art two the morning was all it took. ~ Vicki W

The big books says we must go to any lengths
to hold on to our sobriety, our abstinence.
If you have decided you want what we have
and are willing to go to any length to get it...Sure, I'll do anything! Lead a meeting,
read a book, write a book, work the steps,
use the tools...well, except that pesky one
called the telephone. Oh, and surely you can't ask me
to put my needs before someone else's.
I'm a codependent, don't you know?
I please people, I don't ask anything of them for me!
My mother would roll over in her grave
if I called at two in the morning unless it was to 911.
My husband's ire is raised after nine if it rings,
so I couldn't do that to someone else...and make him mad
at the same time. But other than those, I'll go
to any lengths. Unless I forget. Unless I get busy
and let it slip my mind. Unless other things nudge
all the recovery things out of my mind.
Unless it's embarrassing or makes me look stupid.
Other than that, I'll go to any lengths, and that, of course,
is all it takes. Going to any lengths because I must act
as if I have a terminal illness. Which I have.

Self Love

Today I love myself and will eat like it! - Myra McN

I love myself.
Not a way of saying
I think the world of me,
that I think I'm the center,
that I want my own way,
intend to be as beautiful,
as witty, as popular as a star.
Not in an egotistical
narcissistic way.
I love myself.
I don't have to be worthy,
don't need to deserve it,
don't even need to believe it.
I will say it until I believe it
and I will treat myself
as though I'm worthy of love
not only from my higher power,
my friends, my family, anybody...
I love me and will treat me
as I would treat anyone else
who was as worthy as the most important 
of all the people in the world.

Really Wanted

He didn't really want the superman cape, he wanted to fly. And I didn't really want the food, I wanted the feelings. ~ Vicki W

I’d drive past the doughnut shop and my head demand fritters.
If I yielded I’d consider asking one be cut in pieces,
say I’ll pay full price for less pastry since I knew so well
it was more than I should eat…like at least a hundred percent.
I never did, though. And never tossed the other half
without the request. I always thought I needed, wanted fritters.
But fritters didn’t fix things, didn’t remove the fear, the ire,
the boredom, the feelings of self-loathing. They only made them worse.
Like a child asking for a Superman cape believing it could make him fly
I longed for sweets to sooth a troubled soul they only made morose.