Ask

The secret is that He wants me to ask. If I am too busy to pray, I’m busier than God intended me to be. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 3759-3760).

He wants me to ask.
The bit about "more will be revealed"
doesn't mean it's automatic,
the answer will pop up when needed.
He wants me to review the day
on retiring, ask his forgiveness,
and ask him how to fix things.
He tells me when I wake
to ask him to direct my thinking,
to verify again I want his relief
from self-pity, from dishonesty,
from self-seeking. He wants me
when things tense up to ask
his inspiration. I'm to ask him.
And then he'll tell me.
After I ask.

 

You Are Clean

Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”  Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” ~ John 13:9-10, NIV

You say I'm clean?
But I feel so dirty,
so worthless.
I know, though,
it's my insecurity,
my self-hatred talking.
I know that I'm pretty clean
though I could be better,
but you'll take me as I am
and the dirt is okay
as long as I'm looking to Power
to tell me when I need to work
to clean up the mess
but more than that
when I need to hear,
"You're fine, you're loved."

 

For Which I'm Thankful

For life and love, sanity and sobriety.
For husband, sons, their wives,
my grandchildren.
For extended family, homegrown
and acquired.
For a family of choice in fellowship,
recovering with strength from each other.
Enough food to eat and no need to eat too much.
A house, car, the material comforts.
A God who love me, a life worth living,
people who care, accomplishments
to make life better for others,
an understanding of how people fit together,
how resentment of others reflects my fears,
the ability to be of service to God and others...
for this I'm thankful and much, much more.

Enjoying Recovery

I don't enjoy having to do recovery but I enjoy recovery. ~ Josh C.

Early morning meeting tomorrow.
Day before Thanksgiving, I need to go.
Early morning, sleep would be good,
lots to do. The day before Thanksgiving,
before the national custom of gluttony,
a day to eat and eat and watch football
while snacking on leftovers. Easy not to go.
But I want to go through Thanksgiving
feeling recovery, experiencing sanity.
I need to be there, eight tomorrow morning,
ready to experience an abstinent Thanksgiving.

Whatever We Need

Why do I expect to figure out

just how I'm to be shown,

how to know the next right thing?

All I need to do is to show up,

ask, be willing to hear, and trust.

Saved, Sober, Sane and Safe

Still feeling sick to my stomach but going to work anyway. Thankful that I am saved, sober, sane and safe. ~ Carrie McClure

Recovered. The founders
were "more than one hundred
men and women who have recovered…"
It's not that they didn't know
it was "a daily reprieve
contingent on the maintenance
of our spiritual condition."
But they were there. For them
recovery was less than five years
in the nascent fellowship,
and some much less, but they stood,
recovered. Maybe they would fall,
perhaps they had struggles to come,
but they knew the state they had,
the condition they wanted to maintain.
That day they could rejoice and say
they had it made. A relationship
with a God of their understanding,
freedom from their addiction,
sanity and security, serenity and safety.

I Shouldn't Be Here

How did I fall back into this pattern,

sitting at the drive-through window

where the oriental woman who works it

will ask what I want but already knows,

"One apple fritter." And she tells me,

"One dollar, twenty-five cents"

as I hand it to her. I shouldn't be here,

any more that a few minutes from now

I ought not visit another window,

ask for another apple fritter

and pay that one a dollar, sans quarter.

I shouldn't lie to my sponsor,

tell her my food is good. I promised her

I wouldn't lie again. But I lied.

I know recovery, know the joy, the peace.

How did I leave it beside the highway

and drive through windows seeking comfort

and getting guilt?

My Old Saturday-Morning Movie

Thinking I was such a wretch
I'd do nothing but eat,
hiding in the car or sneaking food
when everyone else slept
or while I cleaned the kitchen.
I'd about eaten myself
into a plus-sized casket.
Hating myself, blaming others,
miserable, I let thoughts of food
eclipse all else, wallowing
in wretchedness.
It could have ended there,
a Greek tragedy acted out,
but like the cowboy riding in
to rescue a damsel in distress
hope happened, release came,
and twelve simple steps saved me.

Setting Standards

When I look back now, it’s hard to imagine I didn’t see a problem with my drinking. But instead of seeing the truth when all of the “yets” (as in, that hasn’t happened to me—yet) started happening, I just kept lowering my standards. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, page 328

When it seems I must be a failure,
I've got my defenses…
I look at those worse off,
at how others act, more decadent
than I. It's not hard, at least not at first.
Then after year after year of seeking out
more and more rotten scum
for the comparison. And finally,
I just have to admit
I am as bad as anyone else
and with that bottom reached
I can start setting standards
that actually are higher than I've met
in my own misery.

Always

Suggestions. The "steps we took"

suggested as a program of recovery.

So they don't bind me, don't order,

leave me in control. But do they?

Always lies scattered through the text,

the most beautiful, "they will always
materialize if we work for them."

And then that "bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power,
Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!”

It seems a good suggestion

always to follow the suggested program.

I take It Back

All your life I've hovered,
judged, second guessed,
taken seriously the obligation
to control your life
even now, a decade plus
since you've been grown and gone.
But now I know it's none of my business,
your side of the street, not mine.
I know I may still slip and put in
a few — or many — unwelcome words.
I'm learning, but imperfectly,
and I love you like crazy,
but I trust you, too.

Surprise??

If people’s actions continue to surprise me, it’s time to do another fourth-step inventory. ~ For Today (Kindle Location 3112)

Why would she do that to me?
What could he be thinking?
Wait a minute. WARNING, WARNING!
Am I looking through the eyes of resentment,
of fear? Am I blaming everything on others?
Maybe I never will understand why someone
chooses as they do, but it's not my business.
It's not my decision to make. What I must find
is the cause of my distress. And I can.
What upsets me? What caused it?
How am I affected? What was my part?
Where have I been selfish or dishonest?
Was I self-seeking or frightened?
Why am I worried about her conduct?
What does it matter what he was thinking?

Elementary

It's not rocket science,

not some voodoo

beyond comprehension.

The first step is to get honest,

to quit lying to the world

and to yourself.

Next comes hope,

knowing you don't have to fix things,

that something bigger, better

than just might be able to.

Third is faith, letting go

and allowing that something

to bring sanity, to go forward.

Then get honest about life,

about your fears, your faults,

your weaknesses and strengths.

Integrity is owning up to what you found

to yourself, someone else,

and to god and you understand the word.

Then find some willingness,

use it with humility, then a to-do list

and use love to get it done.

You're ready now to set a routine,

to practice daily perseverance,

spiritual awareness, then service.

It's elementary, just twelve simple steps

repeated over and over as needed.

One, Two, Three, Oops

So let us stop going over the basic teachings about Christ again and again. Let us go on instead and be­come mature in our understanding. Surely we don’t need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God. You don’t need further instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And so, God willing, we will move for­ward to further understanding. ~ Hebrews 6:1-3 (NLT)

Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and be rid of, the things in our­selves which had been blocking us. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Pages 63-64

Ah, the recovery waltz, 
one, two, three, oops,
one, two, three, oops.
Important Steps, to be sure,
but the first three
feel safer, less exposed, kinder
than the road ahead.
So we linger, cover fundamentals
again and another time.
We risk, though, 
blocking ourselves,
cutting ourselves off
from the sunlight of the spirit.
When we move on to
further understanding,
we’re closer still to 
promises
fulfilled.

God, give me the courage to face my fears,
to move to what seems treacherous ground,
knowing you hold my hand on the walk
to bliss.

My Ebenezer

EBENEZER — usu cap :  a commemoration of divine assistance <here I raise mine Ebenezer; hither by Thy help I'm come — Robert Robinson> ~ "Ebenezer." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 15 Nov. 2013. <http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ebenezer>

Thus far has the Lord helped us.I remember a time, the summer of 1969.
Two job offers, one long longed for,
another accepted. Then the longed-for offer.
But what did accepted mean? Just a phone call?
If the contract wasn't signed, was it a commitment?
I went into a tiny prayer chapel, asked God.
Was astonished when he answered.
How did I know it was his answer, not mine?
Because it wasn't the answer I wanted.
All these years later, that answer may still stand
as my Ebenezer stone. The place where God
actually spoke to me. It's happened since,
and probably before. But that one, so clear,
so forceful...
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Hither by Thy help I'm come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

The Lens of Love

...when I'm looking through the lens of love... ~ Lydia T

Once I saw through a glass darkly,
addiction and  insanity blocking my vision,
blinding my eyes. Then I found in my muck
a hope, a release, a possibility, replete with a power
above all others. A power that let me see clearly,
brightly, sometimes with psychic vision...
and my eyes looked all around me
through the lens of love, seeing the good
in all around, forgiving the transgressions,
accepting the purity. Abiding in joy
and spreading it to all around.

I Don't Know

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know. ~ Mark Twain

The year was 1965. High school debate.
I had a parade of partners through the year,
lost the first round of district.
The two boys advanced to regional,
darned close to state. We three seniors,
rebuilding a long-dormant school team.
The issue of the year was nuclear disarmament.
One of the guys — the one who became a lawyer,
of course — had a citation, a statistic, instantly
for any argument. Because he created them,
cold cloth, complete with date of issue
of the national publication... Authoritative.
And a lie. I asked him once we'd been lawyers
many years whether he still did that.
"No, it's too easy for the other side to check."
I don't know. Maybe that's the better answer.
But oh, how fun debate was...

Happiness

How do you define happy?
Gaiety, merriment, pleasure?
Exuberance, giggling, euphoria?
What does it mean to be happy?
Would you smile all the time,
display ready wit,
be the life of every party,
the focal point of any room?
Or just a general peace?
Does happiness come by the moment?
By the relationship? By the group?
Isn't happiness internal,
something others can suspect
but never pinpoint explicitly?
Isn't happiness another term
for living at peace, in serenity?

Empty

1. We admitted we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable. ~ Step 1 of Overeaters Anonymous

It once had life, had people,

but that was long ago.

Slowly and surely the inside,
the heart, rotted away,

taking with it the soul.

The shell remains,

and life could be infused.
Beauty survives,
but only if love abides.

Solitaire

Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves, but deal in our privacy with the last honesty and truth. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

No games with ourselves? No spider sol,
sudoku, shisen? Well, there is the obsession
inherent in those for me, but the games I play
with me bypass those, surpass them in perversity.
The games I play with me are make-believe...
pretending I'm doing what to the world appears true —
hide and seek... hiding what I need to use when I choose,
seeking only when the desperation makes me long
for the taste of recovery I'd found before the game —
Instead of games, I must find the courage, the faith,
the hope to deal in solitude with the last honesty
and truth.

Choices

It is when the outcome isn't earth shattering that I struggle with the choice. ~ Linda T

Hundreds of shoes that fit, hours to choose?
Two pair in your size, quick decision.
They once defined proof beyond reasonable doubtto be that level of proof we would rely on
in the most important decisions of our lives.
It's a standard we know and understand
even when we can't put it in so many words.
And we ask others' opinions, we study,
we make a decision. But the little stuff…
am I going to follow routine and take time
to gather my thoughts, to ask direction,
on a morning I'm running late?
Maybe, maybe not. But that can be the choice
that makes the difference in the day,
in the day to follow, for weeks and months,
to lead in a new direction without any decision
drawing our attention.

Nemesis

Take the person who annoys you and ask God what he sees in their heart. ~ Blake Healy

What do I see when I move past
my irritation, disdain, disgust?
Loneliness, fear, despair,
fatigue, boredom, desolation.
Hopelessness.
What can I do? Ignore my irritation
by remembering the despair,
replace the disdain with empathy,
put myself in God's love before I judge.
Live a life that might mirror hope,
that might light a path.
Love the loneliness away.

12 & 12 = 24 Hours

How can I make this day,
twenty-four whole hours,
a thousand four hundred forty minutes
looming ahead, waiting for my wrong choice
in just one of them. I'm powerless.
But there is a way. Hold on...
to twelve steps, to twelve traditions,
just twenty-four concepts, a couple dozen principles.
And with those, I can manage the  fourteen-hundred-forty
minutes looming ahead of me. I'm powerless
but the Steps and Traditions are not.

Hugging Happiness

It's a choice, happiness or bitterness.
The old half full, half empty,
you are what you think.
We can remain mired in hopelessness
or embrace recovery
hugging happiness.

Looking for God

They say I need find a Power
one greater than I,
a "God of my understanding,"
someone to whom I'm to surrender,
a personal god. I've heard others
call their power Howard,
from "Howard be thy name,"
or Gus for "guy upstairs."
Some use the group or a massive tree,
or simply a chair that can hold them up.
But why do they seek their power
in such places? Isn't it obvious?
I only looked within and found
a power there all along. After all,
where else would a personal god be?

In Charge

And they supported me and did not even demand that my companion Titus be circumcised, though he was a Gentile. ~ Galatians 2:3 NLT

---

---

He may demand that the family find God in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference to them and say he is above worldly considerations. He may tell mother, who has been religious all her life, that she doesn't know what it's all about, and that she had better get his brand of spirituality while there is yet time. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 128

---

---

Running the show,
setting the rules,
being in charge,
taking command.
This is how recovery works,
and you better do it right.
No.
They are suggestions, not commands.
It's how we did it,
how many have found recovery
but you may find a different
road to the same place.
This one works for me.
I love you and hope you find
a path as right for you
as I have found for me.

God, let me understand
I'm not in control.
Help me to do your will
and be open to it differing
from what I think it is.

What Would I Do?

When I think of what my life would be like without worry, I wonder what I would then think about?  I am so used to analyzing everything. ~ Linda T

The psychologist once said to me,
"You think faster than anyone I've known."
He hypnotized me, permitting my retaining
a lifeguard part of my mind, analyzing,
rationalizing, holding on.
My higher power knows me, too,
allows for my weakness. Still, worry
wears away the good, grating, sanding, scraping.
Thought need not be worry but can be
thinking of the next right step,
perhaps wondering on the one after that.
Or maybe, the subject of thought could be
how glorious life without worry will be.

His Name's Sake

He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake. ~ Psalm 23:3 (NIV)

I'm God's child, and like a family
what I do reflects on my raising,
on my relations, on my experience.
If I walk the right path, seek his will,
surrender and walk in his steps
then like a family, the truth reflects
in those least learned, those most simple,
on those who follow far better
than they lead. I promise to walk the right paths
so far as I can discern them by asking,
by listening, by following. And when I do
it makes the God I follow look good
to those who never see my God
without first looking at me.

A Table Prepared

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies... ~ 23^rd Psalm, KJV

My enemies need not reside in a hostile nation,
be members of a rival gang, attend school across town
or at a traditionally antagonistic university.
A table in the presence of my enemies
when it comes to Halloween, Thanksgiving,
Christmas, New Years...and Valentines,
St. Patrick, Easter, Memorial Day,
Independence Day, Labor Day, Veterans Day...
and Ground Hogs Day, Sadie Hawkins Day,
Mother Goose Day, Cinco de Mayo,
Aviation Day, Bad Poetry Day...any day,
every season. A table prepared in my enemies'
presence can seat parents, grandchildren,
Great Aunt Gertrude, the fellow in the next cubicle,
anybody at any time when they wish their choices
for me when those are not selections enhancing my peace.
On those days my shepherd can prepare me a table,
by having me ask for better choices, bring my own food,
overlook those foods not bringing me peace,
selecting those that do. Any day, every place,
my shepherd prepares a table for me
and I can choose to feast from it.

For All the Saints

The pioneers, great ideas,
great fears, creating recovery
crafted from desperation,
passing on the precious gift
to honor those who came before,
to heal the suffering newcomer,
but most of all to keep the treasure
that is recovery.