The Four-Way Test

Of the things we think, say or do
1. Is it the TRUTH?
2. Is it FAIR to all concerned?
3. Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS?
4. Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned? ~ The Rotary Four-Way Test, Rotary International

We constructively review our day.
Have we been dishonest?
Are our motives self-seeking?
Do we owe an apology?
Were we kind and loving to all?
What could we have done for others,
what pack into the stream of life?
We must be kind to all, including ourselves,
for to do otherwise would diminish
our usefulness to all.

Status Quo

Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again. ~ Frances Rodman

The Rotary program on Zambia —
touching, but I'd seen it.
Different hemisphere, other countries,
but a Nicaraguan dump,
a Mexican wheelchair distribution...
Kaylee came with me, sat absorbing,
touched. Two weeks later said
how wealthy she felt, having food,
not fearing high odds of childbirth death.
We sit here longing for bigger, better
but having that already. Jealousy,
envy, desire for prestige, comfort, ease...
and we don't even see what we have.

Look at Me

Look at you,
once miserable like me,
now happy, peaceful,
full of serenity.
Look at God! He's not at all
like I learned at Mother's knee,
he's real, he cares,
he knows what's best for me.
Look at those I've hated, feared,
who wrecked my life for years.
They didn't mean to tear me up,
it's how my needs
interfered with theirs.
Look at me,
pitiful wretch
afraid of being me.
I'm now becoming
what I'd longed to be.

Connected

Isolated in addiction, in fear, in resentment,
in the fog of stupor, we reach desperation,
each in our own way, but sooner or later,
with firm decision or floundering
for some string of hope, for any steady stone.finally we reach out, tentatively, timidly,
and find when we can connect with another,
no matter how precarious the communication,
and we find a kinship, no matter how odd it feels,
where connections can be spliced together
and with that tenuous tie, we stand no longer alone
but united in trust and hope...

Definition of Hope

The real definition of hope is it's an earnest expectation of good. ~ David S

Hope doesn't mean wanting a result
but demanding to continue the behavior
causing the undesired present.
Hope isn't a wish list, awaiting God's checks.
No person is your last hope.
Hope resides in the hear and now,
not in tomorrow or years to come.
Hope is not wishes that reality change,
not idle longing. Hope cannot be abandoned
when events play out other than our plans.
Hope stands in living, in being, in loving
and changes only the person in whose soul
God's goodness and our recognition of this truth
is all the hope we could ever need.

Drop the Thought

Never think of pain or danger or enemies a moment longer than is necessary to fight them. ~ Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged (from Myra Dean)

A nonsense song of my youth,
You will feel no pain
as we drive you insane
so stay on the sunny side of life.
Not meant for analysis,
a vehicle for knock-knock jokes,
but what does it say? How can it be,
insanity without pain? An oxymoron?
A lie? Sketching one driven to addiction?
Keep on the sunny side doesn't mean
to yield to insanity but to run from it,
to see good, not dwell on evil
hoarded from yesterday,
borrowed from tomorrow.
To reach the sunny side,
the path is clear, leading away
from anger, resentment, lunacy,
walking straight to the sunny side,
to peace, to joy.

Influence

I don't want to do some of the things I used to do – eat poorly, speak harshly, or have a short fuse. They have lost their appeal. As much influence as I know I will have on this little boy's life, he already has an amazing hold on mine. ~ Maurene Gibbons

Our greatest gift
to the children we raise
has nothing to do with wealth,
has little to do with education,
is simple (though often very hard)
and natural. Just love them.
Just want what's best for them,
in life, in us, in the world...
peace, joy, meaning, purpose.
And even tiny infants for their part
can give those back to us,
for they reflect what they receive.

Transformed

Damaged people, here —
stripped by life, by fear.
Hurting people gathered,
a tumultuous, broken herd.
Dangerous folk assembled,
no spark of hope to kindle,
despairing, maimed,

at wits' end, insane.

Beloved people here,

relieved of guilt and fear.

Healing people gathered,

a tumultuous, joyful herd.

Dangerous folk assembled,

for love found hope to kindle,

despair is slain,

hope and life reclaimed.

Losing Separation

Losing separation – what others call a near miss. ~ radio description of two Delta airplanes

I've lost separation many times.
They call it co-dependent these days.
I've lived to please, sought above all else
to build a life where others cared,
where they knew my value, where I mattered.
Where they said thank you. Or just noticed.
I've quit being me, knowing what I thought,
feeling my own feelings adopting his instead.
I've lost separation before and thus I know
how excellent, how great a blessing, how good
having separation can be.

I Believe

Meditation's not daunting

called conversation, what it is.

A trusted adviser, an old friend,

sharing life, frustrations,

thoughts – but listen.

Not like Aunt Molly's calls – I nod

into the phone, or wander off.

It doesn't matter.

God hears me, can you believe?

I hear God and I believe.

Fog

Fog is a scary thing...but fog is only a temporary distraction along the roadway called life...happens, never lasts. ~ Jimmy Naylor

Sometimes I can't see the way through,
can't make out the path, find the steps.
Sometimes vision fails, experience stands mute,
intuition isn't. Thought and vision fogs.
To ignore invokes failure, embarrassment,
humiliation, consequences.
To yield feels cowardly, wimpish,
inept, weak. Yet wisdom lies in patience,
in waiting for vision, in seeking sight.
Time is an ally, a teacher, a guide.
The path can be seen, and time heals.

A Time to Cry

A stiff upper lip, act like a man,
don't let them see you cry.
Chin up! Play up and play the game.
Don't be a baby. Be a man!
Men are expected
with unreadable face,
and women under glass ceilings
take up the pose.
Emotions, though, serve a purpose.
To grieve, to cry, to seek solace
is natural, healthy, wise.
Keep a stiff upper lip? Maybe,
but it's hard to sooth the soul
by stuffing your face stiff-lipped.
Better to shed a tear
than garner pounds to shed.

After

Fury, violence, distress, turbulence.
The world swirls, jerking objects,
fierce and carnal. Storms rage.
And after, calm. Damage assessment,
sorting good from among the bad,
inventory taken. And it is over
illogical as that may feel from the midst,
but everything ends. All cannot be mended,
some holes will always remain, but it ends.
Life goes on, and good appears
among the dregs. Rebuilding begins
while memories tarry.

Same Thinking

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." ~ Albert Einstein

This time I'll get it right,
have the willpower,
walk the tightrope,
exercise, just barely eat,
enough to get by but to lose,
to lose the weight, to show them...
This time I'll make them happy,
show them I have what it takes,
impress them, receive accolades,
be the star. It's never worked,
these decades past, but this time...
This time I'll give up, admit I can't,
turn it over, surrender...and win.

Post Hatred

When I examine my dislike of certain individuals, I am startled to find that the characteristics I am least tolerant of are those I hate in myself. ~ For Today (Kindle Locations 1545-1546).

I hear catty comments,
tsk-tsk in my head
though I know my mastery
of the art. Trivialize folk
who are bigoted...
and those lacking in education.
I well know the truth of despising
my own faults when seen in others,
ignoring them in me. But now,
even those folks I've hated
seem just human, trying to get by.
It appears when you taught me
I didn't have to hate myself
I lost the art of vilifying you.

Next?

Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Location 1167)

A wise woman, my college Sunday school teacher,
spoke with disdain of those repeatedly born again
when they stopped there, never "grew up."
Kind of like doing the 1-2-3-oops, 1-2-3-oops,
repeating, repeating, never moving to step 4.
There comes a time when we've been through,
worked the steps, run the course. It's then we decide:
do we sit on our laurels, play the old-timer, spew advice?
Or do we keep on going, like moving through mountains,
the next peak after the last after the one before that,
higher, better, more startling, more glorious
as we realize it's the steps but more – it's love,
it's honesty, it's keeping on growing up...always.

The Most Help

Often we can help each other most by leaving each other alone; at other times we need the hand-grasp and the word of cheer. ~ Elbert Hubbard

"Rescue the perishing,
care for the dying,
snatch them in pity
from sin and the grave..."
Rescue is us, we co-dependents,
we know-it-alls, we rescuers.
Just do as we say, and you'll thrive,
let me guide you, decide for you,
advise you, dictate your steps.
But no, not any more.
I gave up that role, for no reason...
except I miserably failed
in guiding lives of my fellows,
my spouse, my kin...
Now, I guide my life
by listening to my Power,
leaving yours to you and yours.
I can't rescue you, no matter how I try —
and boy have I tried —
I can merely live mine, love you,
and believe you can...until you know how.

Extravagance

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. ~  Alcoholics Anonymous: the "Big Book" (Kindle Locations 1163-1164).

Without restraint, extravagance.
Spreading wealth with reckless abandon...
We come to rooms or recovery hungering,
thirsting, longing for an illusive dream,
a pot of gold with no rainbow in sight,
even within imagination. We come bedeviled.
Human relationships, emotional control,
misery, depression, gainful employment,
feeling useless, fearful, unhappy, unable to help
even those we care most about... Bedeviled.
Then, moving blindly through the steps,
just doing the next act shown us,
we stumble into a magic place,
a hidden hoard of gold, that rainbow's end
drowning in the extravagance of peace, self-respect,
freedom, happiness, serenity, the value of our past...
We find a cache of God's extravagance,
and know he planned forever our finding it.

Freedom

I've worked for self control

these decades long,

achieving goals, though many slipped

from fingertips, Chimera

never there to snare.

Since as a tyke I first declared,

"I do it for me. Leave me alone!"

freedom meant self-control,

my journey closely held.

So now I meet a bunch of drunks

who years before my birth

rewrote the rules, set self aside,

and taught a simple rule.

Freedom I yearn for cannot come

from all my earnest work.

Instead, to finally reach the goal

I get get free from me.

The Chimera was, according to Greek mythology, a monstrous fire-breathing female and male creature of Lycia in Asia Minor, composed of the parts of three animals — a lion, a snake and a goat. The term chimera has come to describe any mythical or fictional animal with parts taken from various animals, or to describe concepts perceived as wildly imaginative or implausible.

God's Forgiveness

After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Locations 1188-1189).

How do you tell God you're sorry?
I guess the traditional word is "confession."
But I hear in my head fifty-plus-year-old words
"Don't be sorry, don't do it."
In the same way I didn't want Daddy miffed,
to stand chastised before God stings.
I don't want to have been a disappointment,
to have let God down, to have failed to ask for —
or to follow if I got around to requesting —
the directives of the next right step.
But like hiding truths from parents or friends
who know me well hides nothing, but instead
builds a wall – God well knows but wants my nod,
my word, my concession of the wrong
to keep the pathways clear from me to God.

Not in their Steps

Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise men of old. Seek what they sought. ~ Matsuo Munefusa

You think if you eat my food plan,
you'll recover. But I've seen you eat...
When a piece of bread rests on my plate
it means nothing to me. I may eat it,
might not...I don't need it,
it doesn't call my name. But you...
I've watched you, seen you eat bread,
then grab mine when we stand to leave.
Trigger foods differ. Our needs differ,
the character defects, resentments...
You can't find your recovery in my footsteps...
only in taking the twelve steps for yourself.

Not Cocky

We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous (Kindle Location 1175)

Cocky seems far from what I remember,
coming to realize insanity, helplessness,
an unmanageable life. But still, in retrospect
I see those days it fit. The second day
of that diet to end them all, or that grand day
when the scale rewarded efforts —
before I rewarded myself for the success
with apple fritter or such...
Yes, when fear didn't control,
I'd strut, the world under tight rein,
sure of self and willpower.
But now cocky doesn't work
for there's no self-pride.
Whatever I am, anything I can
is the work of a Power
working through me.

Tentative Tentacles

Maybe my job is to bloom,
but how? Do you know
what you're asking?
You want me to step out,
to expose myself to ridicule,
to ask people to look at me,
not avert their eyes...
I figure you're right,
but you don't understand...
But then again, maybe,
just ask for a glance, not a stare.
Perhaps I can do it little by slow,
like getting wet a centimeter at a time,
extending my tentacles, but tiny ones,
just to feel the water...

This Wall

It's Styrofoam, you know.

The wall between you and me.

I used to think it solid,

to believe it impenetrable.

Born on the wrong side,

I didn't fit in, a stranger among you.

You showed me, though, the confusion,

the optical illusion. Nobody else knew

I saw it, but you'd seen it too,

had lived with it. Who could have known?

Now I can move it, shove it aside

when I need to, but you understand,

know sometimes I need it,

sometimes comfort comes

from being alone
since it's not lonesome anymore
on my side of the wall.

Finding Humility

...a poor self-image keeps us in bondage to self and thus makes it impossible for us to find true humility. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Location 718).

Thinking myself useless, ugly, a failure
can't make me humble?
How much humble can a body be?
But humble doesn't mean humiliated,
and that state clashes right well
with humility, so if humble I'm to be
I have to come to have some respect
for who it is God made when I appeared.

Rightsized

RIGHTSIZE - transitive verb
: to reduce (as a workforce) to an optimal size
- intransitive verb
: to undergo a reduction to an optimal size (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rightsize)

I've been larger than life,
a mouse not worth noticing,
microscopic, germ-sized, nothing.
From my mountaintop
I stood ready to rule the world
then with a whoosh unnoticeable,
zilch, zero.
Then neither giant nor insect
recovery happened, and made me right,
life size.

Procrastination

“Any action, no matter how small, will help us to overcome deadly procrastination.” ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 31

Sloth in five syllables.
Chronic low-intensity fear.
Sluggardly, lazy, at a snail's pace...
Put off and put off and put off.
I hate my proctastination
but hold it close to me,
practice it, perfect it
by repetition, by diligence,
by training my responses.
I want to get things done,
to accomplish something,
to be meaningful,
do God's will for my life.
But it's so hard. I want to.
And I will.
Maybe tomorrow...

Everything

I've tried it all...well, pretty much.
Decades of gorging myself
on all the sweets I could find.
I hear these days of new products,
combinations of flavors brand new
and it can feel I've a need to see,
to experience, to taste the delicacies,
but I know, really, it's not so different.
After all, the taste doesn't matter.
Had I sat down to all the pastries,
all the confectioneries, all the frozen treats
available, then or now, I'd stuff them in
so fast I'd never really taste the difference.
So really, I've tried them all. I know the flavors.
And the one I choose is the one I have,
the luxury of no sugar, of sane choices,
of food for life with no need to live
for food.

Not Necessary

Who is it I cannot live without?
Nobody. Surely I value people,
relish time with them,
can't imagine not having them...
love them with all my heart.
But need need not linger,
has no place in health.
Only my higher power's will
and the power to carry out my role.
I clean my side of the street,
do what I can to ease others'
without control, without strings,
having no hope of self-fulfillment
through others' eyes or acts.
So long as I need no other
I stand at my proper place,
free to relish other people,
individually and collectively
standing on my higher power only.

The End of the World

What's to happen at the end of the world?
What precursors, indicators, evidence?
A bang or a whimper, man-made or natural?
Will it feel like the end of the world?
Will I worry about it, dread it, fear it,
party like an idiot for nothing else matters?
All sorts of people have notions what will be
this putative end time, this doomsday,
the great finality. But probably it's not
a public disgrace, a divorce, an embarrassment...
the only thing that's the end of the world
is the end of the world.