Contempt

We've no need to agree...
you're free to think your thoughts
and I'll honor them, agreeing
of not.

We've no need to lie, to pretend,
to dismiss real needs, yours
or mine. We have the right
to disagree.

But we have no right to contempt.
When you brand my position
as beneath consideration,
when I scorn your reasoning,
when we call the opposition
worthless, of no account
we're dismissing people,
not positions.

Fear Not!

We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​page 64.

That inventory, Step 4.
Who do you resent,
what did they do,
my part, affects my what?
Good list, solid, worked through
completely. But there's more there.
Easy to overlook, seems less,
secondary, second thought...
if any. Fear's part of that list,
but then a list of its own. What fears?
Did I even seek them? I don't remember.
I just know now, these years past,
it's time to look again.
#1. Fear of a fear inventory.
So, what's next?

Hope before Honesty

Honesty's the Step One principal,
Admitted we were powerless,
fessed up to unmanageable.
Then Step Two's summed up in Hope.
Came to believe, maybe a Power could...
But can honesty come before the hope?
Can you really be honest without hope?
That's the wisdom of a Twelfth Step,
sharing the story of one addict with another.
Maybe it's too soon to hope for rescue,
but there's that camaraderie, that recognition.
He knows what it's like. She's been like me
but no longer. She's got something I can't imagine.
I want what he has, and it can't be impossible —
he's proof, she's evidence. Maybe, somehow,
I can find that peace.

Unsettled

People wish to be settled; only as far as they are unsettled is there any hope for them. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson Just get past this crisis and all will be well!
At lease I think it will... But when have I known
a crisis to be past? Don't I nurse them for a while,
invite protégé to take the place of the last big one,
morph from one to another?
But is that me or is it God? Is Emerson right —
when the crisis is over, hope is gone?
Like a calm sea, a life – or boat – moves little
without the turmoil, the roiling waves, the gale.
And sitting on calm water produces little but sunburn.
So, I'll accept the crisis, relax, and trust the strong, steady hand
that holds the tiller.

Practice Prayer

C-D-E-F-G-A-B
B-A-G-F-E-D-C.
Scale after scale after scale.
Who wants to play scales?
Who wants to practice?
Not this little girl. Never.
Just the minimum,
enough to get by.
Why play scales?
Because they're building blocks
because they make the rest easier.
Because when you sit down
on that bench fifty years later,
when you haven't practiced for years
the fingers know the routine.
When you need release, when times are tough
having practiced brings it back
makes it so you can play
so you can connect
when connection comes hard.

Word By Word

BE

A passive verb, but it's in the imperative position. An order to be passive?

STILL

Turn off, disconnect, cease and desist. Rest. Let it be. It will wait. Serene, at peace.

AND

But there's more. I know you can't hold on to nothingness, that your mind fills up with thoughts, conscience jabs, todo lists unwritten, life.

KNOW

Acknowledge, realize, be certain, have a conviction. Perceive, tune in, understand, be familiar. Bring into your consciousness.

THAT

A wasted word, one to be edited out, made better, tightened. Still, it's there, that that. There's a connection coming, a completion. Don't rush on, make up new rules, take this process your way. Allow the that.

I

The great I am, I who who was, is, will be, creator, sustainer, the essence of life and matter. And in person, direct, speaking to me. Telling me what to do, caring that I understand, that I play a role, that I participate!

AM

That passive verb again, but so active, so vibrant, so moving. Here it connects, defines, affirms.

GOD

Everything. The universe, the smallest sliver of an atom, all matter, all essence, all understanding. Awesome, almighty, awe full. Speaking to me, listening to me, wanting only that I turn full attention for a few moments. How could I not? Why must I return time after time to this place, this position, this mindset, willing to wait on God, ready to take his orders, accepting with grateful tears his comforting grace, his fatherly love, his time?

Wait

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. ~ Isaiah 40:31

Life gets tedious.
Even the good times,
sitting around, visiting,
enjoying...driving each other crazy.
Life gets full of business,
lists and obligations, requests and shoulds.
We burrow through, intent,
determined...or procrastinate.
Still, working or avoiding,
the focus is on the shoulds, doing right.
How do we escape? Relax,
give in, surrender. Turn it over
and let it go. Let God.
Wait on him, and suddenly
the wide world raises us, soaring.

Living Justly

It is impossible to live pleasurably without living wisely, well and justly, and impossible to live wisely, well and justly without living pleasurably. ~ Epicurus (For Today [Kindle Locations 3144-3145])
...and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? ~ Micah 6:8, KJV

Justice is treating people right.
That doesn't mean making everybody alike,
creating all equally, precisely divvying up the cheese,
creating cookie-cutter folk.
Justice is treating people right.
When I act justly, I treat people right,
give them respect, honor their needs, acknowledge concern,
but I'm not their savior, their leader, their mother, their judge.
Justice is treating people right.
I can't deny their thoughts, needs, wants,
though I have no need to meet them. Maybe guide,
maybe support, but not interfering or manipulating.
Justice is treating people right.
I'm a people, with needs, ideas, goals, plans.
I must respect myself, welcome growth,
allow success though insecurities want to disagree.
Justice is treating people right.
I will respect people, honor them, aid in change,
sympathize, encourage, support them. Including me.
I'll treat all God's people right.

Giving Thanks

A notable in medical circles from coast to coast, Dr. Earle flatly stated that despite his medical knowledge, which included psychiatry, he had nevertheless been obliged humbly to learn his A.A. from a ​butcher.​ Thus he confirmed all that Dr. Harry had told us about the necessity of reducing the alcoholic's ballooning ego, before entering A.A. and afterward. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age,​ page 4

Gratitude swells among those once hopeless
and now recovering. Futility and failure, we know —
and marvel they do not remain our lot.
On a day of gluttony among those so normal
it can be just one day and not a continuous agony,
we find no need to binge, no reason to induce food fog.
We find real fellowship among family so long estranged
by our isolation, build new bonds, and know well
in other homes, at other tables, around the world
we have another family, one of choice, holding hands today.
We praise our higher power and those who led the way,
grateful to give and receive the support we need
to remain in recovery, sanity, and peace.

When They Will Love

Peace will come when the Arabs will love their children more than they hate us. ~ Golda Meir

Resentments possess us, dominate us,
turn us to automatons focused on hatred
even when we know that aversion will kill us
well before the legatee of the loathing.
What do we do to ourselves, to our loved ones,
to peace, to good, to sanity just to cling bitterly
to indignation, animosity, jealousy, and self-destruction?

A Position to Be Hurt

Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous: the "Big Book" (Kindle Locations 911-912). 

The “Big Book” of AA speaks of self-interest that places us in a position to be hurt. I knew that our marriage could never be what I hoped for, but I feared that if I left my husband I could not support my children. So I stayed, out of fear and self-interest, and I was in a position to be hurt. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2636-2638).

Why do we settle? Why accept "good enough"
knowing it's not? Why not expect the great good things
available for us, waiting for us, searching for us?
Because of disbelief. Because of self-doubt, insecurity, shame
from some source only in our heads.
What happens when we stop accepting "good enough"
but do expect all that is great and good and waiting for us?
What happens when we accept the bounty, the abundance of recovery?
Who knows but Power that transforms? But sometimes,
this time, good enough grows, blossoms, deepens, matures
against all expectations, contrary to reason or probability,
as amazing as recovery but spreading, morphing, becoming great.

Act As If

“You’re asking me to be a hypocrite,” I said. “Oh, heaven forbid! You could be a glutton, a thief and an egomaniac—vicious in every possible way; you could smell bad, you could look bad, but by God, we don’t want you to be a hypocrite!” ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2570-2572).

Tell some higher power – the wind, a tree,
the chair holding you up – I know you're not real
but I need you to do this...
It's not so odd, though, this need to create your Power,
to act as if. Some of us came with ecclesiastical credentials
and strong pedigrees. But we come, too, with history of compulsion,
with a record of insanity. We come either agnostics or atheists
as to that Power's ability to structure our lives, to relieve the urge
to binge, to eat and eat and eat, to lead lives freed from mad insanity.

Real Enough

Quoting a small child in a learning environment including both: "Robots are real enough to take the place of the turtles." (A researcher on a NPR program before I woke up enough to site better.)

I was real enough to get by,
to function even pretty well
but inside was mechanical,
automated, fake pretending well.
I wasn't real enough to be me.

Abstinence

A compulsive overeater can’t fully grasp and develop a spiritual way of life while bingeing, any more than an alcoholic can while still drinking... Now I needed to be open and receptive to the discipline in eating and in the other areas of my life which were suggested in OA. ~ Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (Kindle Locations 2444-2445, 2450-2451).

Just a bite isn't just a bite
but a wedge  between me and my rights,
my hope, my future, my recovery,
my sanity. Maybe a tiny wedge won't hurt
but then again how many single tiny wedges
have there been, will there be if that one bite
starts to drive the wedge?

I'm powerless, not just over apple fritters, Blizzards —
but over an extra carrot, just a plain mini-bagel,
a few extra ounces of the right stuff.
I'm powerless over what I put in my mouth
but I have a Power who can overcome,
who stands constant wanting me to accept that great gift,
abstinence.

Childlike

teachable
as a child learning
recovering

The Faithfulness of Moses

He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house. ~ Hebrews 3:2 (NIV)

Besides a seeming inability to accept much on faith, we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, Pages 47-48

Say Moses died at 120,
less wandering forty years, twice,
lose maybe five more years 
after shedding sandals 
for the burning bush — 
at my age was he scared, 
maybe obstinate, touchy,
hating Egyptians? 
Did Moses learn faithfulness?
When? In an instant, picking up that rod?
In seven days of plagues?
During forty nights and days on Sinai?
I’ve got only one day,
one night, 
right now.
But I’m faithful now.

Lord, Paul talked about 
the shield of faith, 
helmet of salvation,
and sword of the spirit.
I pray for all of that 
and the grace to accept it when offered.

From A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us

Weakness or Strength?

We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. ~ ​Alcoholics Anonymous, ​page 68

Giving up, admitting I can't do this
should be humiliation, chagrin, embarrassment.
How could I do that, I who know so much,
have such talent, am such a leader?
How could I lay down all my armor
and surrender?
                             Actually, easily.
It's all about the what, the who, the why.
When I finally, at long last, give up
and ​know​ there's no way I can manage me,
my life, my day, the food I eat —
when I admit I'm without power —
then and only then can I fully find
just what it is those who've come to these rooms,
stayed, lived lives of recovery —
then can I realize what they've been saying
that a Power greater than I ​can ​manage me.

Teachable

Once we have become teachable, we can give up old thought and behavior patterns which have failed us in the past, beginning with our attempts to control our eating and our weight. ~ The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous (Kindle Locations 131-132).

Teachable. I don't want to be taught,
prefer the role of teacher. But, still.
I know where my behavior, my decisions,
my leadership got me — smack dab in miserable.
Teachable. Is it so bad to have someone else
point out the pitfalls, identify the traps,
make a few suggestions? I can take it from there.
Teachable. A few suggestions aren't what I need.
I need a copy of ​Living Recovery for Dummies.​
I don't need to be in charge, don't need the podium.
I can just sit back and be teachable.
Now if I just ​will.​

Let the Distance Heal

Resentment is like drinking poison
and waiting for the other do die.
Clinging to anger, to hurt, to victimhood
imprisons two – the one resented
and the prison guard, the one with the key.
Sure, praying for him would get it done,
but what if you can't, if you'd rather die,
prefer to stay bound to him just to hold him in?
What if you'll never forget the hurt, the agony,
the shame, the fear, the miserable years?
Are you stuck for life?
No. You don't have to do the impossible —
even if forgiveness may come from release...
Just set him in a bubble, floating, separate from you.
Wrap him in closure and watch him drift away,
far away, beyond the range of hurt. Watch the distance
as it looses the bonds and sets you free
and disentangled from him.

Effervescent Peace

All is well with the world,
in my soul, in my life.
Gratitude flows, not because
'tis the season to be thankful,
others number daily blessings,
we owe it to the Pilgrims and Indians...
Gratitude flows, for life is good,
because I have a right to good times,
to joy. Numbers come easily,
much to welcome. But joy comes from within,
from acceptance, from freedom from fear,
from acknowledging I have worth.
Peace bubbles up, spiced with joy.

From "Life Effervescent" by Camille. (http://coachcreativespace.ning.com/profiles/blogs/life-effervescent)

Slow Thaw

Sometimes ice seems hard as iron,
frigid, untouchable, numbing any who dare contact.
Iron rusts, lasts forever – or so it seems.
Ice, though, may – if ambient molecules live —
soften, weep, seep, meld harsh corners,
lose the edge. Drip by drop by trickle
ice may warm, may reveal depths not seen
so many ice ages long.
Frozen relationships seem hopeless,
but ice melts.

To Change the Status

Post a new status on Facebook,
tell the world you're grumpy, mad, bad...
life as you know it is over, what's for breakfast.
From married to single, or "It's complicated."
Status once meant social class, rank,
hierarchy, prestige. Green Card. Deployed.
Maybe the new meaning comes closer to real.
Status isn't set at birth, determined by education,
a semi-permanent state. Status comes from within.
What am I now, this moment? Sane? Crazy?
Serene, psychic, settled, so-so, soaring?
Am I drowning in doubt and discontent
or setting out to new heights of cognizance,
of accomplishment, of compassion?
Status comes from within. I can change it
for worse or for better.

No Mo' Yo-Yo

My new motto is, "No mo' yo-yo." ~ Vicki Butts

Newest diet, pounds come off
for a while... then the food calls,
a bite, two, the allergy kicks in,
King Food rules! Pounds climb up.
Pills! Foolproof, chemical relief...
but they drive up stats the doc
disdains. Stop the meds,
gain the weight. Hypnosis!
It's all in the head, but then again
so's the craving, the compulsion,
the insanity. Nothing works, it's hopeless.
I'm hopeless, unable to cope,
a miserable wreck, a failure.
Willpower? A joke. Maybe some,
in other ways, but the comfort of food?
Willpowerless. Overeaters Anonymous.
Sounds like folks like me, like my kind,
hiding in shadows eating for ten.
Rooms of Recovery. These people are me...
maybe, just maybe, I can say like them,
"No mo' yo-yo."

Like a Sherpa

sherpa: : a member of a Tibetan people living on the high southern slopes of the Himalayas in eastern Nepal and known for providing support for foreign trekkers and mountain climbers

I don't know everything,
but I've climbed this mountain.
I know where it's slick, deceptive,
where the crevices are crossable.
I don't know everything,
but I've worked this program.
I know where temptations taunt,
where the steps lead, how it fits.
I need lots of leading, of help from folk,
but I can sponsor you. I'm glad you asked.

Who Decides?

The only problem is...who decides what is the greater good? ~ "Gunny Cee"

Election day, passions roil.
Words fly. Friends fling affronts.
Who decides? We, the people.
What if we doesn't agree with me?
How could anyone support
the one I loathe? What's the plan, the aim?
The supreme quality for leadership
is unquestionably integrity,
so Eisenhower said. Integrity's battered,
trammeled. Doubts and fears swarm,
infest. Trust atrophies.
We, the people. We decide.
How to form a more perfect union,
ensure domestic tranquility,
how to be, how to take the next right step.
We, the people, are a mighty force.
But we can always be aided
by a higher power, by real wisdom.

Doing and Thinking

Harder to DO than THINK?
Can be. When it's self willing the do.
Getting the thinking out of the way
makes it much easier, totally possible.
When we work the program
if we think about it we're in self will.
If we release it, we're in God's will.

How to release you ask? Do the footwork,
eat the right stuff, but —
you're doing it for the health —
spiritual and emotional as well as physical.
Which outcome comes first
is none of your business.
You're a soldier following orders,
taking the next right step
according to your training
and the direction you receive
by being receptive to it.
You know what you need to do.
Just follow the commands
of your training, your education,
your intellect, and your Higher Power.

Love to Help Other People Be Happy

You need to love to help other people be happy, and if that's your passion, to make other people be happy, then you'll organize their world in a way that they can have these experiences. So I think I can say that's what managers need to do but there's no cookbook of how to do it. At this point it's really quite intuitive. ~ Clayton Christensen

God, get me out of the way.
My ego has no place, my pride doesn't matter,
it's your cause, your design, your grand plan
and all I need do is spread the message,
pass on the design, let the world know
there's peace and joy and serenity
there for the taking.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Amen, so be it.

Clayton Christensen

The Keys to Peace

I’ve realized that the key to my peace, not necessarily my “happiness,” lies in turning my life over to my Higher Power one day at a time. ~ Voices of Recovery (Kindle Locations 3466-3468)

Happiness versus peace.
Happiness seems to be
dependent on circumstances,
on the moment, tied to external.
Peace bubbles up from inside,
can weather tragedy, adversity,
disappointment. Peace just is.
God, I offer myself to you,
to build with me and do with me
as you will. Take away difficulties,
relieve the bondage of self
not for me but for the greater good.
And that leaves me with peace.
What more could I want?

Lives Once Wrecked and Wretched

Mistakes are made
for learning from,
for growing past,
for building on.
Lives once wrecked
and wretched
wield wondrous
hope to pilgrims
anxious to emulate
the footfalls, to follow
step by step
in the trek
to recovery.

God, take my life and let it be
redemptive in your hands
for others

A CLOUD OF WITNESSES is our gift to you this All Saints Day. Download it free by clicking this picture before midnight Friday, November 2, 2012 (PDT). Get a free Kindle reader with this link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?ie=UTF8&docId=1000493771. And we thank you, our cloud of witnesses, our hallows.

Taken from A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us responding to Hebrews 8:6-7 and Big Book passage from page 124, "% Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that experience is the thing of supreme value in life. That its true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets."

Hallows

Hallow: noun archaic
a saint or holy person. ~ Apple Dictionary, Version 2.2.3 (118.5)

All hallows eve,
the day before All Saints Day
becomes hallowe'en,
a day of costumes, candy,
metaphysical, creatures strange,
death examined.
Halloween, a day to begin bingeing
to be continued daily, vigorously
until the distress brought by gluttony
ends – a least for a day or two —
to the tune of "Auld Lang Syne."

Excessive food need not be
with the grace and blessing of the saints —
those who've passed after preparing the road
and those who walk the recovery way
each day, that day, all day.

A CLOUD OF WITNESSES is our gift to you this All Saints Day. Download it free by clicking this picture before midnight Friday, November 2, 2012 (PDT). Get a free Kindle reader with this link. And we thank you, our cloud of witnesses, our hallows.